sgbabydoll
Active Member
For my part, I was telling her not to expect "protection". It's not about who assumes what.
Shld I postpone ROM?
- Thread starter missyyee
- Start date
milo,
I am talking about "bullying" the potential DIL and how the bf is "not protecting her".
I mean did he physically or verbally abuse the DILs and the son is keeping quiet.
Yes, he made unreasonable demands. But it is still not amounting to anything concrete.. those demands can be ignored. Of course the son can stand up to him but he could also just be tolerating (and ignoring him) so that the issue did not blow up.
I guess all of you are just surmising that since the son said nothing and did not stand-up to the unreasonable demands, he will also be quiet if the father gets over the top. This may not be the case.
As TS said, normally FILs is ok to her.
I am talking about "bullying" the potential DIL and how the bf is "not protecting her".
I mean did he physically or verbally abuse the DILs and the son is keeping quiet.
Yes, he made unreasonable demands. But it is still not amounting to anything concrete.. those demands can be ignored. Of course the son can stand up to him but he could also just be tolerating (and ignoring him) so that the issue did not blow up.
I guess all of you are just surmising that since the son said nothing and did not stand-up to the unreasonable demands, he will also be quiet if the father gets over the top. This may not be the case.
As TS said, normally FILs is ok to her.
miloice
Well-Known Member
sm, not quite. I'm not talking so much of the physical abuse. That would be unlikely unless they go into major fights.
I'm referring to the bullying experienced to continue beyond the marriage and her husband is probably going to remain submissively abiding to it. This is something that is already happening and almost certainly going to continue.
I'm referring to the bullying experienced to continue beyond the marriage and her husband is probably going to remain submissively abiding to it. This is something that is already happening and almost certainly going to continue.
The way I see the FIL - he is sort of beyond reasoning.. so one of the way is ignore him. He can't do much.
Don't have to listen to his threats..
I don't understand what sort of stand you want the son to make? Will it help or more abusive and unreasonable demands will be put on the table?
When a mad dog is barking.. it does not make sense to bark back. Just back away.. It does not mean not standing up.
Confrontation is not only the solution.
Don't have to listen to his threats..
I don't understand what sort of stand you want the son to make? Will it help or more abusive and unreasonable demands will be put on the table?
When a mad dog is barking.. it does not make sense to bark back. Just back away.. It does not mean not standing up.
Confrontation is not only the solution.
miloice
Well-Known Member
sm, I do not advocate confrontation either. But, one needs to know where to draw that line. When its beyond just barking. When it become unreasonable aggressive demands and blocking and harrassing, one needs to take the necessary steps to keep the barking dog from getting more aggressive. It needs to know its limits.
The idea that an unreasonable person can never be reasoned with will never improve. The only way they can improve it is to learn how to relate with him. You think you can just ignore him. After sometime, he will realize he is being ignored and he will do even more drastic stuffs. The relationship between the family needs to be handled carefully. They cannot wait for things to get bad before they try to 'fix' it. There will be no quick fix.
The idea that an unreasonable person can never be reasoned with will never improve. The only way they can improve it is to learn how to relate with him. You think you can just ignore him. After sometime, he will realize he is being ignored and he will do even more drastic stuffs. The relationship between the family needs to be handled carefully. They cannot wait for things to get bad before they try to 'fix' it. There will be no quick fix.
milo,
that is what I am saying. Just because the son did not do anything right now does not mean he WILL NOT do anything when the father goes over the board.
Then what do you propose in this instance? The father's behaviour is definitely not something new.. the mother and son probably have endured for many years. How do you propose this to be changed? Other than someone giving the father a good beating (will it help?) or some reasoning to help?
that is what I am saying. Just because the son did not do anything right now does not mean he WILL NOT do anything when the father goes over the board.
Then what do you propose in this instance? The father's behaviour is definitely not something new.. the mother and son probably have endured for many years. How do you propose this to be changed? Other than someone giving the father a good beating (will it help?) or some reasoning to help?
i'm the advocate...
i'm more of the "dad, u've lived your life and u've gone as far as being an assistant manager at 48? living it up in boon lay... but i would like more, i'm thinking more of manager at 35 and living it up in river valley"
ya believe u me, i have no qualms telling pple that they are frog-kings in a well, trying to impose their well-rules in the sea.
i'm more of the "dad, u've lived your life and u've gone as far as being an assistant manager at 48? living it up in boon lay... but i would like more, i'm thinking more of manager at 35 and living it up in river valley"
ya believe u me, i have no qualms telling pple that they are frog-kings in a well, trying to impose their well-rules in the sea.
miloice
Well-Known Member
sm, for a start a firm, but respectful no. Its tough but after sometime, its possible for the son to let the father know he just cannot have things his ways all the time.
He can help his father realize and change. The idea that the folks can never change is not quite right. We just need to give them a lot of time to progressive let them understand us.
He can help his father realize and change. The idea that the folks can never change is not quite right. We just need to give them a lot of time to progressive let them understand us.
It is definitely a complex and delicate issue. And not something the TS will one to get involved. So how do you propose we as forumers can contribute? I mean, condemning the son for not standing up.. and then what? What is next?
After sometime, he will realize he is being ignored and he will do even more drastic stuffs
Not necessarily true. It is not a given. It can happen either way.
As I said, it is a complex and delicate issues. Really difficult for us to say anything that is constructive unless we are in it directly and intervening in it directly.
I would suggest to get someone the father respect to try to mediate. Otherwise, what we are saying is amounting to nothing..
After sometime, he will realize he is being ignored and he will do even more drastic stuffs
Not necessarily true. It is not a given. It can happen either way.
As I said, it is a complex and delicate issues. Really difficult for us to say anything that is constructive unless we are in it directly and intervening in it directly.
I would suggest to get someone the father respect to try to mediate. Otherwise, what we are saying is amounting to nothing..
miloice
Well-Known Member
sm, for the son. He needs to start thinking and relating more with his old man. Forming that bridge. The most preferred course of action amongst asians... Ignoring him... in the long run, it will snowball the problem.
For TS, she needs to realize what she is getting into. It is going be like this for a long time if not till his death.
For TS, she needs to realize what she is getting into. It is going be like this for a long time if not till his death.
He can help his father realize and change. The idea that the folks can never change is not quite right. We just need to give them a lot of time to progressive let them understand us.
Yes. I can understand and agree with this. But it is something the son has to realize and want to do it.
And yes, people can change. Age is one factor. People mellow with age.
But there is no short-cut solution here. In the mean-time, what is best for TS? I would say, get out of the way. Ignore him but smile.
sgbabydoll
Active Member
I only think she should not move in to the FIL's house, knowing what kind of person he is.
wat_are_dreamz
New Member
Actually, my view is quite simple. Each shd take care of their own side - meaning tat missy yee shd take care of her family's issues n viewpt, while her bf take care of his family's issue n viewpt.
I feel tat tis is a fair n smooth way of resolving issues. So if Missy yee's FIL makes a mean comment, then her HTB shd speak up to protect her interests. If ever Missy yee's parents were to say smthg bad or insensitive towards her HTB or his family, then it is on her to speak up.
Missy Yee: In-laws can nva be avoided, cos marriage involves both families. It will be gd for u to postpone ur ROM. Not cos of ur FIL, but the real issue being tat u n ur HTB have issues tat need to be discussed n resolved. Both of u need to deal w issues better cos there will be more problems after marriage. Trust me on tat.
My mum is mentally unstable n tat brings me alot of emotional scars n mental anguish. But i have nva n wld nva allow her to be unkind or hurt my bf n his family. Similarly, though my bf's parents are normal pple, they have the tendency to slip smthg insensitive out of their mouths n it is up to my bf to speak up. I hope u get my point. =>
I feel tat tis is a fair n smooth way of resolving issues. So if Missy yee's FIL makes a mean comment, then her HTB shd speak up to protect her interests. If ever Missy yee's parents were to say smthg bad or insensitive towards her HTB or his family, then it is on her to speak up.
Missy Yee: In-laws can nva be avoided, cos marriage involves both families. It will be gd for u to postpone ur ROM. Not cos of ur FIL, but the real issue being tat u n ur HTB have issues tat need to be discussed n resolved. Both of u need to deal w issues better cos there will be more problems after marriage. Trust me on tat.
My mum is mentally unstable n tat brings me alot of emotional scars n mental anguish. But i have nva n wld nva allow her to be unkind or hurt my bf n his family. Similarly, though my bf's parents are normal pple, they have the tendency to slip smthg insensitive out of their mouths n it is up to my bf to speak up. I hope u get my point. =>
MissyYee,
For myself, I think I'll not rom first and stay apart cause I found it meaningless to rom. And further to it, if rom first means got to stay with such in-laws, I definitely choose not to rom first.
I don't know about the others, but I think its going to be a tough fight to 'change your future-FIL' or to 'put up with all those nonsense comments'. I rather stay away from them and let my bf/hb handle them himself. And also, if your bf is currently not speaking up against such comments from his own father, please do not expect him to speak up after he sign on the rom certificate.
As for standing up for yourself / speaking up against the future FIL because he's rude/unreasonable/shallow/pushy, it may seems so 'right'. But do bear in mind that, this will definitely cause a wedge between you and the in-laws since your in-laws' family have been so 'used-to giving in' to him.
For myself, I think I'll not rom first and stay apart cause I found it meaningless to rom. And further to it, if rom first means got to stay with such in-laws, I definitely choose not to rom first.
I don't know about the others, but I think its going to be a tough fight to 'change your future-FIL' or to 'put up with all those nonsense comments'. I rather stay away from them and let my bf/hb handle them himself. And also, if your bf is currently not speaking up against such comments from his own father, please do not expect him to speak up after he sign on the rom certificate.
As for standing up for yourself / speaking up against the future FIL because he's rude/unreasonable/shallow/pushy, it may seems so 'right'. But do bear in mind that, this will definitely cause a wedge between you and the in-laws since your in-laws' family have been so 'used-to giving in' to him.
The thing is that the bf is not doing what his father is telling him to do. He is doing the best for themselves, not the father. I wouldn't want to question the way he handles his father unless he starts to obey his instructions.
And also, just imagine his father is the LOL in SB forum. I don't think talking sense helps in bringing his father down.
And also, just imagine his father is the LOL in SB forum. I don't think talking sense helps in bringing his father down.
fuchsialover
New Member
I would postpone it.