Settling for second best or not?

Just a question and not related to my current situation (for those who might remember me and my situation, update is that annulment is currently put on hold, but I am keeping minimal contact with HB. We have started leading our own separate lives mostly, though immediate family members are still in the dark.)

Have been exposed to two 'school of thoughts' recently, one teaching women 'not to settle for anything less than what you believe you deserve', and another that says we 'should learn to be content with what we have'. So - just for the sake of self-enrichment and maybe future reference - of the two, which should be the more apt way of thinking?

Thoughts and further input appreciated. Thanks for reading =)


New Member
i reckon it's pretty much a state of mind, contentment to some is simply happiness without pursuit, to others, a lack of ambition to pursue..


New Member
the ultimate aim of both is to lead one to happiness and fullfilment, thus choose the one u believe would lead to your happiness


Active Member
u're content Only when u're Genuinely happy with what u hv.

now ask urself this qtn -

do u deserve to be happy?


Active Member
Both will likely lead to happiness, TS, because they'll be contented ppl with the first type getting what they want and the second type accepting and embracing what they have. My personal belief is to date more before marriage to make a more informed decision. Then again, whether they end up well still depends on their commitment later on.


Active Member
the first school can be misleading becos it doesn't often mention that u're required to be pretty much defined as "best" too... thus u have this group of ladies who want the best, but remain very lacking in character and depth.. if u fall into this category, u dun actually 'deserve' the best. but i do believe everyone should aim for the best they deserve, provided they know they deserve based on themselves First.

the 2nd thought unfortunately, is also reflective of a lack of belief, and the definition of 2nd best might be lost in translation where a lady picks the best of the worst... in other words, she meets 4-5 guys but becos of who she is and the place she hangs at... all the guys she dates happen to be equally bad. but becos she has low esteem, or feel less deserving.. she settles for "2nd best", but amongst the worst.

there's no right or wrong, but i would say u can be happy in marriage only when u can be yourself... and u can only be yourself when u know yourself and remain honest to your feelings and weaknesses.
Thanks for the comments. So to sum it up, both types can coexist, with happiness as the goal in sight?

denise...just for the sake of further exploration...I should say of the two, the first type would be less content.

With this thought in mind: 'not to settle for anything less than what you believe you deserve', what if the 'belief' they have takes on a more material form instead of something spiritually/emotionally fulfilling.

They 'believe' they deserve someone for example (a bit far fetched but just to illustrate my point)- 1.good looking 3.romantic 4.faithful 5.good tempered 6.a millionaire..and the list might go on. It becomes a question of 'belief' vs. 'being realistic'? Where should those women draw the line? Should they still stick to the opinion that they should go for what they think they deserve? It would be much more difficult to insert happiness into the equation if happiness was never their main focus in the first place.

Personally...I would say the second type of thinking (to learn to appreciate what you have) would be more realistic and logical...


Active Member
"Where should those women draw the line?"

most of them would stop wanting what they think they deserve when they always can't get what they think they deserve...

and some dun... think michelle reis - everyone in hk knows that she's so happy with what she finally gets...

she's a pro :p


New Member

One needs to know what we deserved and then be content when we received.

We can never be content with not knowing what we deserved and can never be deserving of what we have if we are not content.

The trick lies in an reasonable understanding what we deserves not one with a rose tainted Specs


Active Member
Hi lullabye,

I wouldn't say the first type would be less content. It isn't possible to quantify satisfaction derived from any type of human relationship in the first place. In my opinion, the woman who knows what she wants in life is anytime better than the woman who doesn't know what she wants in life. Again, it's about expectations and when someone decides he/she has met the right and 'final' one. It's not about what we believe we deserve but about mutuality from both parties. When you use the word 'deserve', I believe you are referring more to the more superficial things in life like income level, education, family background and one's physical appearance and I would think compatibility in personality and goals in life would be more important. Anyway, the second type who accepts what he/she has may not have known what is most suitable for him/her and as a result regrets later in a marriage. As many TS have pointed out in many other threads, a relationship takes time, effort and commitment even after marriage. And in this world of constant changes, the partner you know 'then' may change overtime to become someone you consider to be a stranger.

Then again, to minimise such heartaches and stuff, I would still think couples who know what they want in each other and who could accept one another for who they are are likely to last longer.


Active Member
Just food for thought for the following:

'not to settle for anything less than what you believe you deserve',

How you know what you deserve in the first place? Before you decide what you deserve, have you look at yourself in the mirror and know exactly "how much" you can give.

No. We don't deserve what we think we deserve. We will receive what we give..

There is a lot of Singaporean mentality in this. Not only women but men as well. People think they deserve better lives, better salaries, better spouses, better everything.. but they forgot that they give very little, they work very little for what they think they deserve.


Well-Known Member
Relationships is not about who deserving who.

Just simply are the 2 happy together?
Do they see a future together that they want so badly together?