help! my husband wants to sell our flat but i don't want. he's now angry and cold to me. i feel terrible but if i give in, i know i will pick on him on & off. that won't make both of us happy. i feel our relationship start to turn sour becos of this matter.
i see current place as our home; a place where we built from scratch - from nothing to something. somehow we don't share the same view.
he thinks now it's good time to sell to cash in profits. he can quit his job, settle his debts and the rest of the money can keep the money for future use. i ask him what if we couldn't find another place in time. he suggest his mom's place which i'm not comfortable with cos very high chance we won't move out once we move in. his mom stay really far where i work.
also, if we move in with her, most likely i would need to give up my job and i'm not sure if i can get a similar pay job. husband has a company vehicle and flexi work time, so it doesn't bother him. if you think he can send me to work everyday, not possible. he's not a morning person, it's hard to get him to wake up early to send me to work. tried a few times liao.
somemore his mom place very small, if we shift in, may have to give up my pets too. the thought of losing my home, job & pets, i got depressed.
husband thinks i'm childish, not seeing the big picture. last night we had an arguement on this matter. he said without this money he has no future. i'm very upset by his comment.
seems like everything is about him. few years back, he got a car cos he felt that a guy at 30 no car = no achievement and it's his dream. told him no need to waste money cos he already had a co vehicle but he very persistent. in the end to finance his car and most of the household bills, i took up an evening job and also left my ex co which i worked comfortably for 8 years to get a higher pay. when asked him to get a second job, he told me he feel stressed?
i don't like it when he does things at his convenience!
You probably should know him enough before you married him?? Think again, was it the right choice?
Cashing in from an investment isn't a bad thing. Just have to be sure the decision is well validated. I see some concerns here... he is in debt, he wants to quit his job?? buys car as form of achievement when he can ill afford it!
Seems like someone that doesn't make the right investment call.
Evian, I can understand your concerns. Males & females see things very differently. To you, it's a home and to him, it's just another house. He's not entirely wrong in being opportunistic but if he does not have a good plan, the profits will soon be gone and you'll end up without a home of your own. What kind of debts is he repaying? Do you notice a recurring pattern or is a one-time kind of debt?
Living temporarily with parents is not a bad thing. Both your motivations are very different. He's motivated by the monetary gains so living in a smaller house or some inconveniences are not a big problem to him. But you're motivated by having your own space, your pets, your comfort, a job you're used to, so if these are to be removed from you, it will be a big issue. Of course, it all boils down to communication. You need to talk & discuss things calmly. Staying with his mom is only one option. Explore other alternatives too. Let him see your concerns. If he refuses to discuss or acknowledge your concerns but insists in his own ways, you should be careful about selling the house. He'll probably have his own ideas on using the profits with little regard to you later.
i told him if he insists on selling the flat, i should be getting 5% more. afterall, i'm the one paying the most of the household bills all these years though earning lesser than him. he's not happy. he thinks i'm being calculative and husband & wife shouldn't be in that way.
i do agree that husband & wife should be calculative but i can't help feeling unjust that he always work things in his way, to his comfort.
he always ask for my share when buying groceries/household stuff and these amounts often are no more than $50. i buy those stuff too but i seldom ask for his share. he says he no money so gotta claim. he wants to buy car cos it's his dream and he think it's ok for wife to help in financing it.
so if i ask for money, i'm claculative. if he ask for money, he's just poor?
autumn, you totally point out my concerns. i'm very afraid that this debts of his will come back again and all the profits maybe gone within a few years. how i wish he can minus 50% of his egoism and that one bad habit.
i hate it when we quarrel - it's hurting & tiring. ä¼¤å¿ƒåˆä¼¤ç¥ž
I think...you better be careful...since he doesn't seem to see he has some issues of concern here. Where money is concerned, no doubt husband and wife would co-share and co-pay, but this is entirely based on mutual agreement. Given the fact that your husband doesn't like to lose out to people in the form of car, purchased a car while he has quite a substantial amount of debt to pay...I don't know what other type of hidden agenda he might have upon selling the flat....because, it's obviously he told you that you are being calculative when you voiced out your stand...after sale of flat, you have no share of anything together...get what I mean?
your marriage is headed for divorce, for better or worse i wouldn't know...
selling an extra house is ok, selling your home when it is the only asset u have is not wise unless u have another place. staying with mum is opportunistic but i doubt he'll actually conserve the money for the next house.
i have little faith in pple pushing to sell their only home for money... it is pure desperation.
That's right. Selling the family home should be the absolute last resort, the kamikaze decision. And it will be pointless if you went ahead without addressing the issues that got your husband into money trouble to begin in. And whats the long term plan? Surely your husband doesn't expect the family to live with his mum forever?
Only sell if your husband has a good investment plan to grow the profits while waiting out for the property prices to drop. By good investment plan, I don't mean paying off his debts and buying a bigger car. Sure enough, if he has poor money management skills, you'll end up without a home for good, not temporarily.
If he is paying hefty interests for his debts and you really want to help as a wife, you can consider downgrading. At least then, the debts (depending how big are the debts) are taken care of and he stops losing money to interests. Most of all, you still have your own roof although smaller.
he is likely to have a good investment plan that doesn't work.
have seen enough folks like these who, instead of using their heads to increase the finances, simply do it the 'fast and easy way' via the sale of their hdb's, thinking that they are smart... when a large percentage can be as financially well-off doing the same thing. there's a reason why our gov encourage us to keep our hdb's and come up with schemes for us to unlock the value and monetise it in our Old Age... not when we're young. we're Not Supposed to need this now.
downgrading is not an option for folks like them, it is an option for pple who got are marginalised and are struggling for a living despite trying. not for folks who fancy gaining an extra 30-70k from downgrading. 20k goes to agents and u're pretty much doing it for less than 50k, which is stupid by any means becos u can earn that same amount putting in part-time work faithfully over 2-3yrs. it's pretty much due to being lazy.
Absolutely! - "if he has poor money management skills, you'll end up without a home for good, not temporarily. "
i don't deny that we argue over money issues sometimes. he says after selling the house, settle the debts, he will treat me better. he don't understand why i always scare this, scare that. i dunno how to make him see my point. everytime we talk about it, it lead to arguement.
erm, sorry... but treating u nice is conditional to selling the flat and settling his debts...
this is the most common lie of pple who often get into debts. they lie to even themselves and are convinced it'll really be better after selling the flat... a quickfix solution, but doesn't offer longterm progress.
hi powder, like what you said earlier, he's trying desperatly to get out of debts. i empathize him, in fact, i thought of helping him, maybe i should just sell the house but if i do that he will never learn.
sometimes i feel like i'm being a bad wife, leaving my husband in lurch. but i want him to know that things don't come so easy without effort.
it's tough... sadly, it's tough. u're caught in a difficult position...
when i hit such predicaments... i normally embrace Life and think of Life in its entirety... relationship and marriage will hold less precedence for me IF i dun have kids. i will always choose to live life freely, over all things else.
given the current prices...house not that easy to buy back...to buy another hdb with hdb loans would also require you to use the cash proceeds first.....which is something you'll not have once he uses it...
But I know he may not want to talk about relationship without settling the money issues.
But If I am you, I will insist to settle the relationship issue first.. then consider selling - if that is the only option to get him out of debts.
Yes, I think the 5% is petty. I mean as husband and wife. By the way, how do you justify the 5%? ON what basis.. unless you can prove that you are paying 5% more? Paying household bills? Those are expenses and does not contribute to the "value" of the house.
I am not saying you don't deserve more. But you got to use facts to justify why you deserve more.
i ask for that 5% mainly is to make him feel the pinch and i don't deny also as a show of my dismay for he always looking for an easy way out.
i mean..come on, i work day & night to help him finance his car & our house but he actually want to claim groceries from me?? if he had not been in that way, i wouldn't have want that extra 5%.
Who asked you to finance his car? If you are paying for his car.. OK provided you did not sit in his car at all.. otherwise, paying a part of it is your contribution. Otherwise up front when you are contributing to the car finances you should make it clear - what portion is your contribution towards it.. and what portion is you subsidizing it.. then now you can calculate how much you subsidizing it. Isn't too late now to get emotional because you were helping to finance his car purchases?
Same for groceries. Sharing of groceries expenses should be clear if husband / wife are petty - in this case he is petty so up front have to be clear. Everything 50-50 or whatever.. no point crying over spilled milk now. Can you quantify how much you "over-contributed" to the grocery?
Can you quantify your contribution and show that it is 5% of the selling price of the house?
that is why I say you can't link expenses to the value of the house. If you can quantify the expenses - claim it back from him.. but housing value rightly should be 50-50 - unless you are contributing more to the actual financing of the housing loan - then you do the calculation and apportion the proceeds to the % of contribution.. but not an arbitrary figure of 5% (it could be more than 5).
Of course I know where you are coming from. If he is desperate to sell the house - he may agree to your 5%.. so good luck.. But using it as a form to show your dismay?