Seeking outsiders' advice

[Jane_wine]

I want to know when it's the time to call it quit in a relationship? can anyone tell me a simple way to tell when it's the end ...or a sign that help me to see?

My husband just walked out on me and scolded me harshly for snapping at him. I was having a hard time dealing with the news that brother who live in overseas just attempted suicide. I barely can breathe with the shocking news and was in a confused state. When I told my husband the news, he just kept quiet and then asked me what do I want for lunch. I snapped at him for his insensitivity telling him not to bother me with food because I have no appetite. I admitted it's my fault for snapping at him to express my stress. But does that warrant for him to explode with harsh criticism and walked on me during my weakest moment when I needed family support?

He came back 2 days later, and I swallowed my bitterness and forgive him. He said let's work hard for our relationship.

And last week, I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. So I started making financial planning for our bb and how to settle his biz failure outstanding debts 60k quickly so we can start saving. I started the conversation with plan 1 - watch out our spending, if not important value, just buy home brand or cheaper value, don't buy branded...

I was unable to proceed to talk plan 2 before he shouted and asking me "stop accusing me that I spent money buying ex stuff!" my reaction to this - I was not shocked. He usually have outburst or raises his voices whenever he's not happy with something. I'm only disappointed beyond words that he didn't want to communicate calmly and discuss important matters for our bb.

There was no communication after that and I questioned myself continuously - how am I going to live happily with this man when we cannot communicate? Do I want my baby grow up in this kind disharmony environment? I tried in the past to communicate with him in different ways but he always ended up in defensive and aggressive mode. I suggested to see a marriage counsellor but he said he don't believe he got prob.

Is this the end? please tell me what should I do. I'm feeling miserable now and stress by the arrival of the child in this kind of unstable relationship.

 

[buddhabar]

I think you should give him an ultimatum, if he still doesn't change you can be quite sure he never will.
There and then you have to decide whether you want to leave with this for the rest of your 30 to 40 years or
you want to end your marriage with him.

 

[shavaine]

Has this always been the type of communication that the both of you had, even before marriage or living together? Could he be under some sort of stress that he is not sharing with you, but has made him touchy and reactive? Have you tried asking him what he thinks your plans together for the future would be, with the baby on the way?

 

[Jane_wine]

Yesterday I had a miscarriage symptom, I was bleeding badly. My friend freaked out and called the ambulance n sent me A&E room. I was traumatised that I might lose bb and keep blaming myself for getting so emotional n didn't rest well the past few days. Throughout the whole night, he didn't call or text me even though I was missing 1 full day.

Now I have no hope for him. He didn't care for me eventhough I'm pregnant with his child. I need to plan for myself n my child. I must be blind to pick this kind of person as my husband.

Friends asked me to stay with him for the sake of child needs a father and financial support. But I hate him to the core now, I don't know I can do it for my child.

 

[JoannaT]

Hi Jane_wine

Sounds like your hubby still getting over his business failure and feeling the blunt of it. The dust haven't settled it seems. And most guys who are entrepreneurs are usually egoistic and alpha males. So, when you came up with plan 1 bababa...it strike his core that he is incompetent & unable to provide for you and baby.

Try looking things from his perspective and be sensitive instead of calling it quits so fast. Unless you want to abort the child. For a fact, it usually takes 2-3 years or more for a man to get over his business failure. And fact is starting and running your own business is 24x7 and a lot of sweat and pains. So, when your hubby business fails, what he needs is support and peace and let him try to climb back up. Surely, you don't want your baby to have a fatherless home right.

Be wise and though your are right in your planning, only share with him when he is talking mood .otherwise, you have to execute the plan by yourself first. He needs you to support him and not reminder of his failure.

Be bless...

 

[Jane_wine]

I have been playing the supporting n understanding wife roles for so long and I'm simply sick of it. Why is that women must be the one "be understanding" and give in because men are alpha males and egoistic. It should be mutual respect and supportive of each other. Why is that when he made the wrong biz investment, I have to continuously play the supportive role and when I experienced family suicidal issue, he can simply walk out on me for days and no apology whatsoever. How far must I support this man and neglect my own happiness and pride?

 

[shavaine]

I don't think that if Jane_wine calls it quits = aborting the child. There are also definitely situations when having a fatherless home is better than having an abusive father type of a home.

Jane_wine, I agree with you that a marriage should be mutual respect and support for each other. While you should support him through his difficulties, like the wrong business investment, he should also be there for you, for example the miscarriage scare (I hope that you are feeling okay now) and family issues. If you decide to go through with the pregnancy, it is likely that you will require even more support from him, both emotionally, due to the hormones, and even physically, like when you get too big to move around easily.

However, because you are expecting, I will suggest that you try to work things out first. Ideally, you are able find a chance to sit down and have a conversation with him to understand where each of you stand on things and where you see yourselves standing in 1 -5 years' time. It could be possible that he is not ready for a baby yet and need time to come to terms with it, or that he has other things on his plate that he is so preoccupied with. So, I hope that you are able to find out what his plan is. Make it clear to him that there isn't a right or wrong, so there is no need to get defensive. But you need to know if you plans are or can be aligned for a life together. However, if you are unable to have a conversation without a meltdown, and subsequently become constantly stressed and unhappy over the situation, then you may want to consider other options for yourself and your baby, as being chronically stressed does affect foetal development. In addition, if you decide to stay in an unhappy marriage, where there is no possibility of happiness, the family environment may not be ideal for bringing up a child either.

I suggest that you take a few days to recover from your miscarriage scare and broach the subject when things are calmer. Get him to share in what he is thinking about.

Good luck.

 

[buddhabar]

I have been playing the supporting n understanding wife roles for so long and I'm simply sick of it. Why is that women must be the one "be understanding" and give in because men are alpha males and egoistic. It should be mutual respect and supportive of each other. Why is that when he made the wrong biz investment, I have to continuously play the supportive role and when I experienced family suicidal issue, he can simply walk out on me for days and no apology whatsoever. How far must I support this man and neglect my own happiness and pride?

I always believe you need to take care of yourselves first before you can take care of others,
in this case your BB. You cant possibly imagine what it would be like being a first time mother
having to have to take care of your new born baby and at the same time to handle a husband like yours.
"May your choices reflects your hopes and not your fears"

 

[Jane_wine]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I have decided to leave him for good. Life ahead will be tough for me as a single parent but at least I don't have put up with him anymore. I will learn how to smile again and not cry.

 

[verysadguy]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I have decided to leave him for good. Life ahead will be tough for me as a single parent but at least I don't have put up with him anymore. I will learn how to smile again and not cry.

Hope that you have made the right choice. Have you thought about your accommodation? Are you ok with delivering a child without a Father?

 

[miloice]

I have been playing the supporting n understanding wife roles for so long and I'm simply sick of it. Why is that women must be the one "be understanding" and give in because men are alpha males and egoistic. It should be mutual respect and supportive of each other. Why is that when he made the wrong biz investment, I have to continuously play the supportive role and when I experienced family suicidal issue, he can simply walk out on me for days and no apology whatsoever. How far must I support this man and neglect my own happiness and pride?

To some guys, this is their basic expectation, to me, its rubbish. If we treat our spouse as an equal, then, we should never have such expectations. Women are affected by the hormones much more than men, their emotions are affected, even if the mask it with a smile, deep inside, they are unhappy. It is normal, as their husbands, why can't we be understanding as well? It takes 2 to tango, both parties must be motivated to continue giving in the relationship. Some women loves the 'macho' man and being the little woman, till a point of enduring all these. I hear all these complains when I tell you straight in the face, they always come back with another excuse to defend them. So, deal with it if the macho guy is making you so happy. If you are not one of those small woman, don't find a PIG.

 

[buddhabar]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I have decided to leave him for good. Life ahead will be tough for me as a single parent but at least I don't have put up with him anymore. I will learn how to smile again and not cry.

it will be tough.... but it's better than to live unhappily for the rest of your life. You can rebuild from here and I believe you will have a good life ahead, for sure a happier and much more rewarding future with your child.

 

[life_is]

Thanks everyone for your advices. I have decided to leave him for good. Life ahead will be tough for me as a single parent but at least I don't have put up with him anymore. I will learn how to smile again and not cry.

Maybe it is just a bad time for both of you. Have you considered counselling? Divorce is a last resort, and should only be used when either party can no longer see a way to salvage the situation. If the hard approach does not work on him, use the soft approach. For the child's welfare, perhaps you should sit down with him and discuss how both of you want to move forward together. If you want him to stick around and care for you, just tell him that you understand that it is a difficult time for him, and am willing to be around for him. A good man would appreciate that effort and will care for the wife. Don't give up just because the times are hard.