Second Thoughts?


buddhabar

Active Member
If you have doubts, please don't go ahead.
Before marriage it's a mistake, after marriage it's a sin
 

traciee

Active Member
the fact that you can post this up here means you are actually feeling that way...

want to share? :)
 

buddhabar

Active Member
I was unsure and tried to be positive and convinced myselves it was my nerves getting the better of me.
Then came along both side parents pressure (asking me to stop being childish) and friends assuring me it was normal to be nervy
as I was going thru a life altering stage. Marriage was edgy right from the beginning and religious counseling led me to
assumed the missing link is children of our own, a common love and responsibility. Two beautiful kids only to be brought up by a single parent.
As the end of the day, you can convinced the entire world but yourselves. You live for yourselves and your choices will determine how you live
for the rest of your life.
 

Jehvy

Member
I do have second thoughts especially when we get into arguments very frequent, at least once or twice a week because of the differences in expectations of a flat, wedding plans and living arrangement etc. There are time when I feel really pessimistic about the thoughts of living with his parents till we get our own flat because my SO's mom has a rather peculiar character that will leave us very stressed and exasperated - our tolerance for each other is drained after dealing with her. I can't picture a joyous and peaceful life with him after marriage. I do wonder if I will be happier if I remained single. I told my SO about my second thoughts about our marriage and it hurt him a lot because he felt that he could satisfied anyone (his family, my family and me) despite how he try to accommodate to us.

I feel his pain and struggles and it make me reflected that I shouldn't only dwell on my struggles and unhappiness. We are in this together if we want a life together thus I try to stay positive and be less frustrated all the time when things don't work well for me. We are going through a life altering stage in our life like what buddhabar mentioned thus there is alot of adaptation and accommodation to make to try to reach a win win situation that we are able to live with.

Perhaps the situation isn't as bad as you think too, you should do some reflection and ask yourself if your SO is really someone you see a future with after you try to work out all the insecurities and problems you two have.
 

Jehvy

Member
Dear,

First of all, do not let religious extremist bind you in bondage. Before and after marriage, whatever you do can be considered a sin. So let me set you free a little from this bondage by sharing with you some insights of married life

- Quarrels are inevitable. Sometimes it will last for days, worst case for a week or so (in which case, that's because both a stubborn and doesn't want to back down). If this happen, please seriously consider counselling to enhance your marriage life in a good way

- There are bound to be disagreement, but you don't have to be always right or on the winning front. Sometimes, we sacrifice our ego for sake of peace. But then don't give in until you get walk all over. There is a difference between submission and cowing to please someone.

- fights do happen sometimes, but since we are on the losing end due to our build and strength, it is better to avoid. If it happens, I would suggest you and your htb to consider serious counselling

- Marriage is about sharing. You share responsibilities, you share each other's burden. You look out for each other and aim to bless the other.

- If you are in it because the of the 'feel good' factor. Or that you are in love with the picture of marriage (actually alot of us fall into this trap). We have to wake up and face the reality of life. It is not a surprised for 2 individual with 2 different upbringing to come together and have a peaceful relationship, it takes work and effort to make it work. Even between siblings there are squabbles, what else between spouses when all the 'romance' has dwindle? It takes real effort to keep the romance going, not taking things for granter.

- Finally, if it is really unbearable, as in your current situation. Then leave the relationship and build yourself up first. Otherwise, relationship IS a responsibility. Having children is a blessing and gift, not some by-product of your sexual activities, nor is it a step 2 in your marriage life.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself, neither be flippant. Take things easy and if it rains in your life, just get the buckets ready and use the water to water the plants :)

So true, thanks for sharing.
 

Tan Xiao Ming

New Member
I feel that nowaday lot of people are rush into marriage due to the flat. If you are having second thought make sure you have a heart to heart chat with your partner before commit yourself into marriage. Cos marriage is for life. Nowaday lot of youngster don't realise that. Look at the increasing rate of divorcing.
 
don't go ahead if you have second thoughts lest you add into the divorce statistics. Give both of you a cool down period of 2 months and rethink again. During the cool down period, no one should meet each other.
 

alinafatima

New Member
many things in life are so much complicated and in fact it is a dead serious issue, it is better to source advise from professionals instead in forum.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
You cannot outsource your decision and responsibility that comes with it. Be it in forum or professional counselors, their role is to be facilitators to help open communication and search for your answers within. Ask yourself why did you guys want to marry in the first place? Has that change? The wedding preparation is just the beginning. Differences in priorities and opinions are very normal. Are you guys learning to understand each other better through all these? Without conflicts, you will not know how both of you will cope with pressure.

Relationship is a dance, both parties need to work together. This is done when you learn to have fun through difficult challenges, not just during honeymoon. Life is complicated because we hold onto all the minor issues. You cannot fight every battle. Understand both your priorities and align them. These are things that are important for you and cannot be compromised. The other stuffs, let it go, don't be too insistent to have it your way. If you reflect and you find yourself getting overwhelm over every little thing, you guys have lost your focus on what matters to you.
 

ohsammy

Member
Hahaha... some people also break up after staying together for 7 years, for no good reason. Who is to say if having second thoughts is normal. If it won't happen now, it may happen 5 years into the marriage. Best to ask yourself why you are feeling this way and try to address the issues at hand
 
I feel that nowaday lot of people are rush into marriage due to the flat. If you are having second thought make sure you have a heart to heart chat with your partner before commit yourself into marriage. Cos marriage is for life. Nowaday lot of youngster don't realise that. Look at the increasing rate of divorcing.
Unfortunately, such marriages over the flat is more like a marriage of convenience. :|
 
Hi guys , just wondering if any of you all have had a second thoughts of getting married during the engagement period?
I had been a victim of this same syndrome.

Kind of regret over the decision to proceed with the marriage. A few issues persisted from back then:
1. Differences in personal beliefs. She has strong views and would not easily admit her mistakes. I have my own views, which I gave up explaining to her. Its tiring to keep reconciling the variances in beliefs.
2. Finances. We do not discuss much about finances, like who pays what. Very often, all these end up with a very big argument cos of assumptions over who should pay what. Even if its some hundreds of bucks, it still can spiral into quarrels. Another good example (from what I heard from friends) is wedding dinner cost and how the cost should be shared. Never leave it to doubt.
3. Caring for parents. It wasn't well discussed. For a very long time, we swept this under the carpet. My folks are quite ill and requires quite a sum of money to take care of, every month. All the money came from myself. Her parents are getting old and have various ailments, which it wasn't made clear if this cost would be shared. Some may think its calculative, but these are expectations which should be clarified and not assumed. Many issues in a relationship arise from seemingly harmless assumptions. You cannot see how big the dent is, until it happens.
4. Peer pressures. I am not a fan of peer pressure, like "must own this place and have whatever branded car" by x years old. But, she is apparently under a lot of these pressures and these often erupt and become an issue, even though these are nonsensical issues. Once we attended a wedding and her peers asked about when the kid coming, then it was obvious she bowing to pressure.

Like many other people, these issues are common and managing them is not difficult, but requires lots of guts to face. And, sweeping stuff under carpet is just deferring the issues. Problems will come back some day, so long as they are not resolved. Be warned.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
I had been a victim of this same syndrome.

Kind of regret over the decision to proceed with the marriage. A few issues persisted from back then:
1. Differences in personal beliefs. She has strong views and would not easily admit her mistakes. I have my own views, which I gave up explaining to her. Its tiring to keep reconciling the variances in beliefs.
2. Finances. We do not discuss much about finances, like who pays what. Very often, all these end up with a very big argument cos of assumptions over who should pay what. Even if its some hundreds of bucks, it still can spiral into quarrels. Another good example (from what I heard from friends) is wedding dinner cost and how the cost should be shared. Never leave it to doubt.
3. Caring for parents. It wasn't well discussed. For a very long time, we swept this under the carpet. My folks are quite ill and requires quite a sum of money to take care of, every month. All the money came from myself. Her parents are getting old and have various ailments, which it wasn't made clear if this cost would be shared. Some may think its calculative, but these are expectations which should be clarified and not assumed. Many issues in a relationship arise from seemingly harmless assumptions. You cannot see how big the dent is, until it happens.
4. Peer pressures. I am not a fan of peer pressure, like "must own this place and have whatever branded car" by x years old. But, she is apparently under a lot of these pressures and these often erupt and become an issue, even though these are nonsensical issues. Once we attended a wedding and her peers asked about when the kid coming, then it was obvious she bowing to pressure.

Like many other people, these issues are common and managing them is not difficult, but requires lots of guts to face. And, sweeping stuff under carpet is just deferring the issues. Problems will come back some day, so long as they are not resolved. Be warned.

it's really sad when marriage is not longer about 2 person in love , isn't it? sometimes it seems the external factors attribute a heavier weightage than love itself.
 
it's really sad when marriage is not longer about 2 person in love , isn't it? sometimes it seems the external factors attribute a heavier weightage than love itself.
Love is only at that moment. Reality is as long as it is permanent. Sounds familiar.... isn't it? Better to be ignorant than to know and know too well.
 

ohsammy

Member
If only marriage is simply about two people being in love. But there's always the context in which the love takes place. The environment is important too. I suppose that's why it's important to recognise that we don't have full control of our love lives, and to understand how to live and let live..
 
If only marriage is simply about two people being in love. But there's always the context in which the love takes place. The environment is important too. I suppose that's why it's important to recognise that we don't have full control of our love lives, and to understand how to live and let live..
You know I really wish it is about two persons. The world we live in.... is a strange one.

Years ago, one girl posted this comment "Fate brings two together, but the heart decides who gets to stay." Today I believe that this statement is only complete with one more statement "How the relationship blossoms depends on the garden that it is growing in."
 

ohsammy

Member
You know I really wish it is about two persons. The world we live in.... is a strange one.

Years ago, one girl posted this comment "Fate brings two together, but the heart decides who gets to stay." Today I believe that this statement is only complete with one more statement "How the relationship blossoms depends on the garden that it is growing in."

That is such an apt quote. Thank you for sharing - I learned something today :)
 
The passage of time and the falls we have makes all these lessons just even more understandable. I finally understood what a friend used to say. He said that we all knew what we are doing, except that few of us have the courage to do what seems "right" at whichever point in time.

Thinking back doesn't help. Somehow, the more appropriate (not right) thing to do is to live life now and not live life in retrospect. Yet, we wouldn't know we should until the day when all those surrounding events which happen make it hard to live life in ignorance and that we have to do somehow or life will be just lived without meaning. Would it be the red or blue pill?

Knowing what I have to face and that the realities are that i have not much time left. Do we live by memory of the good old times or pick ourselves up and live knowing that the days we have now will not be here forever? Whats there to regret or worry over when this moment is passing and soon history? Have a good weekend.

PS: As I told my pal, everyday may be my last. But, there is something worth looking forward to. Those who matter, rather than those who used to matter.
 

buddhabar

Active Member
Love is only at that moment. Reality is as long as it is permanent. Sounds familiar.... isn't it? Better to be ignorant than to know and know too well.

That's why I always believe
"what you dont know can't hurt you "
unfortunately there are too many people who insist in finding out more than they can handle resulting in a lifetime trauma
 
That's why I always believe
"what you dont know can't hurt you "
unfortunately there are too many people who insist in finding out more than they can handle resulting in a lifetime trauma
So, taking the wrong pill is irreversible after all
 

Princessillness

New Member
I don't mind the house and marriage.I feels that I am not ready to marry but married cox of the flat. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the process of getting a flat and the marriage. I wanted to have my own space, away from my troubled family. But somehow felt that my SO is not as enthu as me, and is half-hearted even though he loves me alot. He didn't show effort in saving for our wedding. Acting like a big cannon*. This make me angry. When we quarrel, I really feel like leaving him but I can't due to flat and marriage. So I will stay on, as I believe no man is perfect. There will definitely be flaws...Life is just like that.
I guess I can never understand true love, what is it like, how does it feel...
 
To be honest, I had that feeling too. It felt like I wasn't ready to be part of the village. The expectations from my SO's village were great. Eg, must have a kid within one year after marriage, must attend etc-etc-etc gathering and show-show face, CNY gatherings are a must and so on. It may sound normal and usual for many people. But, the family I'm from is a quiet one and with very little fanfare.

And, SO and I also had various brushes which brought up the fundamental issues between us. Its ironic because the closer we knew each other, the more we couldn't accept the other. She was strong headed and I didn't believe in just saying yes. Its a life long thing.... so we have to have a comfortable consensus. Well, its tough anyway.

My obligations were still towards my folks because they were the ones who did everything for me to bring me up to where I am today.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
the earlier you discover what you don't want, the clearer you get to what you really want and need. When you found that someone, don't let go easily, you need to prioritize and build on it. Once the good foundation is formed, the couple have the right tools for them to manage their relationship and marriage for a lifetime, those the are in love till old and end of their lives are those that got it right. Everyone will go through hardships in life, few are lucky enough to have a blissful smooth life, and fewer that go through such lives understand and cherish it. Most will get bored and restless, screw it up and regret after it is lost.
 
"Bored and restless" like children. So apt and so true. Once a friend told me that he found the love of his life, I stared at him blankly and knocked hard at his head. Truth is, we (mere mortals) never really understand what we want or what the heart so yearns and desires.

Not to forget, many of us are victims of "we just wanna hear what we wanna hear and live however we wanna live". The issue of the self being first can also be a powerful hurdle to overcome, before meeting the real problems in a marriage.
 

kumara

New Member
The question you should drill down to yourself is .. Why are you feeling this way?
Ask yourself "why" five times. For example:

Why do I feel this way? He doesn't seem to care.
Why doesn't he seem to care? He is always busy and have no time for me.
Why is he always busy? He has to travel for work a lot.
Why does he have to travel for work a lot? His job requires it.
Why his job requires it? He is in senior sales position.

From each "why", you can drill down on more reasoning. See in this example, if he travels a lot and no time for you, does he do little things to show that he loves you? Does he call you all the time from overseas? Can you tolerate this situation if it continues? How can he compensate? How can you deal with it? How do you keep yourself busy? Do you have trust issue?

When you ask yourself more and more questions, you will get to the root of why you are having second thoughts. And then you can reevaluate your feelings or find a way to solve it. As long the two of you are committed in this relationship, you can solve these things together.
 

runez

New Member
my current situation is we intend to settle next year i did save up on my side, to my surprise my SO saves $0
i understand she got her responsibilities towards her parents she is holding the fort, she only concern abt them but not us.
apparently she's not committed
 
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ivy93

Member
my current situation is we intend to settle next year i did save up on my side, to my surprise my SO saves $0
i understand she got her responsibilities towards her parents she is holding the fort, she only concern abt them but not us.
apparently she's not committed
Hi maybe you can have a joint account together with your SO?
 

life_is

Active Member
we did tried in the end she'll withdraw $ from there also
so we close it in the end

Depends on circumstances. Can she ask her siblings to help? Her parents can also try to be more understanding for her happiness, right? Can't possibly keep her with them forever. Also, she has to think carefully about whether she wants a future with you. If so, savings are important.
 

runez

New Member
Depends on circumstances. Can she ask her siblings to help? Her parents can also try to be more understanding for her happiness, right? Can't possibly keep her with them forever. Also, she has to think carefully about whether she wants a future with you. If so, savings are important.

her parents i can say only think about themselves sucking her daughter dry
 

life_is

Active Member
her parents i can say only think about themselves sucking her daughter dry

This sounds familiar. You won't know their family's finances, but it is apparent that she wants to milk your money. Maybe it's the three of them trying to milk you dry. Keep all financial records, and stop paying for their expenses indirectly by subsidising her living costs. It's equality of gender, and she should get her act together.
 

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