Salvage? Annulment? Divorce?


New Member
Hi all..

I am seeking help from all of you. I really need some form of advice. Really at a loss. Not sure what should i do right now.

We ROM-ed a year plus. Everything seems to be wonderful. I always tot that i can ignore whatever thing his mother say but only to realise that, marriage is about 2 families and not just me n him. I realized that i can no longer tolerate his mother's attitude.

Other than that, we aint having any sex. I am the one who is not interested in it. He is unable to give me what i want. I tried going for holiday with him, but somehow it doesnt seems to be any better. We dont stay together, not even staying at his house for a few days. His mother do not allow us to do so.

He treat me very nice except at times, he want me to listen to what he expect of me. (Eg. He want me to further studies and get a master no mater what etc..) He plans for our future but i am still wondering.. can i stay with him just because of that.. a love w/o any feeling?

I met someone. We are rather close. I have to admit that i do have feeling for him. We been tgt for abt close to a yr. We behave just like a couple. I do stay at his house.

What should i do now?
Salvage my relationship with my hubby?

* Me and my hubby did apply for BTO and the flat will be completed on 2012.


New Member
umm more details?

1) "He is unable to give me what i want. "
What is it that you want?

2) "We dont stay together, not even staying at his house for a few days. His mother do not allow us to do so."

Er.. Why? you two married but cannot stay together? is it because you haven't gone through AD? Although I don't personally know any families THAT traditional..but still hear of it before..

3) Everything seems to be wonderful. I always tot that i can ignore whatever thing his mother say but only to realise that, marriage is about 2 families and not just me n him. I realized that i can no longer tolerate his mother's attitude. "

What she do that is so intolerable?

4) We behave just like a couple. I do stay at his house.
Oh man.. I hope you don't mean an affair..

Do you love your husband before marriage or is more lke a marriage of convenience?

BTW , you divorce now, have to take a hit cos you cannot sell back the house to anyone beside HDB


New Member
K, u already committed adultery?

Since u had already fell out of love for yr husband and fell in love with another, might as well go for annulment.

the last sentence is.....funny


New Member
1) I expect him to be who he used to when we haven gt married. And not like now. He want me to listen to everything he want and expect of me.

2) You are right. His mother dont allow me to stay at his house because we haven yet go thru our customary. He cant stay at my house because i share the same room as my sister. Besides this, when i go to visit his relative during cny.. I am just addressed as his girlfriend and not wife.

3) There is a need to give his family gift during festive season like cny, lantern festival, mother's day etc. I bought the gift and there was once i went up to the house but she was not around so i told my hubby that i will put the gift here for her and ask him to let her know as we are rushing for time. When she knew that, she was angry that, why i cant pass it to her in person. I really dont knw what she want. i means she is not around, must i really wait till she come home then i gv it to her?

This yr cny i am unable to go for house visiting (my grandpa passed away last yr), his mum was asking why i didnt go her house during cny when my husband alr told her that i cant. she still asking that.

There is still other but i dont think i am able to write them all down here.

4) I do love him befoe the marriage. We did somehow quarrel when we are preparing for our ROM then but in the end, everything seems fine and we got engaged.

If i file for divorce, I am unable to sell the house in the open market only to HDB? Is it possible to wait till the house has been completed then we sell it in the open market?


For my case, is it possible to file for annulment instead of divorce?


New Member
Actually quite funny.. Thought is always girl's parents dun allow the husband to stay.. First time hear the other way round..

Hazarding a guess, are u non-chinese or those ang month chinese?

Btw,in case u never noticed, e mother is extremely traditional.. A bit like my house upbringing, cos if u got present, must hand deliver then sincere..

I don't know, so far what ur husband say seems to be enriching u? G is there any harm?

One thing to consider, if u divorce him, how certain u are that the other party will stay? Maybe he doesn't want a FT gf?

If can resolve no need every thing also divorce..


New Member
Hi Karen, does your HB knows that you are drifting away from him at all or that you are staying at your bf's place?

Also, have you discussed with your bf yet on this topic? Is he willing to commit to this relationship together with you?


New Member
Indeed, i told my friend about this and they are rather surprise that his family does not allow me to stay over even though we are consider married in law. I am a Chinese and i grew up in Singapore. Same for my hubby. Yup, his mother is really traditional. 2 families did met up before and even my parent do feel that they extremely traditional.

I know my hubby still love me alot. He want me to work and study master so that i can earn more next time but to me, tt is not what i want. I just want to have my own biz, kids and a hubby who go to work.

Actually the other party have been asking me what i wanna do about this r/s. He wanted me to be together with him. He is feeling rather down because he wanted to bring me to his friend's wedding but unable to, coz we have mutual friends.

I see but what will happen to our HDB flat if we file for annulment? Sold to HDB? Is there any ways that we can sell to the open market? Perhaps wait till the completion date?

Reddy Lee
He doesnt seem to know but i did told him that i feel that our r/s is drifting apart and we ended with an arguement. He mentioned the "D" word which i dont expect him to say that. This is the 2nd time he say that. First was when we are preparing for our ROM. He doesnt know that another party exist yet.


New Member
Karen, your hubby has no idea that you are seeing someone else? Do you both actually communicate at all? Either you hide it very well or he is really insensitive to the changes in you.

I've known a number of friends who don't stay together after ROM, they will only do so after AD. I thought this is pretty common too.

For the MIL, I think it's just difference of expectations between you both. I don't think she is demanding to want you to pass the gift to her personally. To some people, they deem it as sincerity. This type of MIL, you just need to understand her pattern and work around it.

But the real issue here is, do you still love your hubby? If no more love, there's no point in holding on.


New Member
Karen: I think u are quite irresponsible towards ur marriage. Doesnt sound like u respect or cherish ur hubby.

From the start, u knew tat his family is v traditional. At tat time, u shd have asked urself if u can accept their family culture. Since u know they are v traditional, its a gd time to learn about ur chinese roots n u shd not be surprised tat its improper for u n ur hubby to stay tgr since u have not had ur customary. To many parents, ROM is not recognized. Only wedding dinner is recognized.

Although ur grandfather passed away n u shdnt be celebrating CNY, but its only respectful n sincere tat u visit ur in-laws since they are considered half ur family or soon to be family. Or u could have called n asked ur MIL if she will be ok for u to bai nian to her despite ur 'mourning period'. Or join them for reunion dinner n buy some foodstuff over. Its an act of filial piety n love.

U say tat ur hubby loves u alot but u have so easily broken his trust n insulted his love for u. U have alr been seeing the other guy for 1yr. Isnt tat a painful betrayal of ur marriage n commitment to ur hubby alr? How wld he feel if he were to find out? Have u tot about his feelings n the need to respect ur marriage. If u want to be w someone new, then u shd stop ur marriage 1st. U shdnt be enjoying the best of both worlds.

Its v sad to step into marriage w/out thinking clearly. In the end, u hurt those who really love u. Think about it. If u really feel tat ur goals are different from ur hubby n tat u cant see urself spending a lifetime happily w him, then its time to let go n make sure u dun make another mistake in future.


Active Member
"can i stay with him just because of that.. a love w/o any feeling?"

u can't salvage something that doesn't exist cos a love without any feeling = no love.

by all means, LEAVE...

u hv to do both of u this favour.


Active Member
funny... why stay or even bother to stay.... u're only tied down by a paper and some money for the hdb...

freedom and choice is a whole lot more impt in life...


New Member
Actually Karen, no point asking in a forum when you so clearly knew the answer...

From start of thread till now, you have written absolutely nothing in favor of marriage and started to want to push the blame to ur HTB. Don't think there is anything wrong with your husband and the "problems" u say is "bothering" you is not very strong.. infact, it remind me of this woman in divorce court.. who accuse the husband of "being too nice" when in fact, she just want to find an excuse to leave.

Annulled loh. Don't make your HTB suffer for your indiscretion. One can only hope that the guy you are giving up for is worth the trouble..

have you actually seriously seat down with your External BF and tell him about you want to leave? Funny enough, guys can be two different creatures, when you are not saying anything, he will whisper sweetnothings to you and say he wished he is the one by your side.. When you tell him you are getting an annulment for him , he will distance himself from you. Some guys might like having an affair with a married woman, but not all of them want to take the "responsibility" of being the homewrecker..


Active Member
aiyah, that BF not impt lah...

cos dun think ts is that into him loh...

she's just not ready for anything serious :x


Karen, I hope that you will be honest enough to tell your husband the truth.

Salvage your marriage only if you want to. I guess you're only here to make an affirmation on what you've already decided.


New Member
karen: if you are sure that your BF is whom you want to spend your life with and that your BF thinks the same way too, pls go and do the necessary arrangements. just be doubly and triply sure that everything is worth it.

otherwise, i do agree with opal on his/her statement: Some guys might like having an affair with a married woman, but not all of them want to take the "responsibility" of being the homewrecker.


New Member

doubt u can have the best of both worlds: gain from flat + able to annul your dead marriage.

u might want to check with hdb regarding your flat's matter.

most annulment cases have to be file within 3yrs from rom date


Active Member
You want your divorce or annulment to drag (2012 + minimum occupancy period of 5 years) to 2017. Don't you think the opportunity cost is too high?


New Member
No need to think so much abt the sale back to HDB or whatever. At this point in time, if your heart is not in this marriage, what's the point of thinking about profit-making or losses? Don't tell me you die die will stay in this marriage if there's a ruling that says flats can only be sold after 5years back to hdb? Please, your life and love should not be revolving around profits and losses.

Btw, I find that ur hb and in-laws hv strict but good traditions. Most prob ur bf and u hv the same mentality, that's why both of u sleeping together now while one still remains married.


Active Member
"Btw, I find that ur hb and in-laws hv strict but good traditions. Most prob ur bf and u hv the same mentality, that's why both of u sleeping together now while one still remains married."

i think u're so absorbed in ur own story that u're talking sense no more...

dun lose it.


New Member
"Btw, I find that ur hb and in-laws hv strict but good traditions."
Wah.. I don't know of many families with THAT strict a traditional. and usually is the girl's side which insist..

When the guy's side insist, sometime,could be a little problem..Don't know what is the reason but could be an indication that the guy's side still having hesistation (cos they perceived as no AD = not married)

Anyway.. how long exactly have you been ROM? seeing that you are gettign your BTO next year?

I guess, you interact very little with your HTB's parents? Must have technique de..if they are traditional, need to act traditional, if they are open, then act modern..

But actually all these are Moot points le.. you already having an affair AND your heart is not with him.. so don't use his family as an excuse.. you don't want to hurt him and end up he blaming his family for your change of heart..

hurt him once can le,, no need double whammy de
i also rom on jan.we did quarrel regards his family until that time want to divorce...we sit dwn n talk to change...i dont think is excuse to hve another bf...find someone to share what you are not happy with is normal instead of finding all sort of excuse tat is rubbish...just sit dwn n think...if u are his shoes...hw would u feel..faint
u scare tat u dont have plenty time to sleep with him for another 30yr to hve sex...aiyoh,i n my hubby also meet on friday to sunday.we treasure the time on wkend..everyone upbring different.must accept n time u hve daughter u want them to go headwire eye see...if you love him watever nonsense u will find way to talk to him n solution to to ur gfs or friend married..they will tell you wat wan to go ur way.unless u brought super are not...u ok ma....
seriously,u are wasting ur time to post such issue here.just waiting for people to slap only ...ur problem will be desolved when one day ur current bf abandon for another woman which totally siCk of u hve mre choice..u wake up..end of the day,u will wake n crawl back to ur current husband...watever shit of his family tradition or watever ur husband problem u are not happy u will just swallow back ...u are just like my gf which scared a lone n attention seeker n demand of nd in bed wat husband cant fulfil so go ard outside to flirt n sleep ard...finally loss call bf love her like hell...husband came hid no word to say abt u selfish....u wan people to treat u n listen as wat u wan..pls grow up.prehaps i believe u must be very 20s....pls sit dwn n think....
if u are too free.can hve mre creative ideas to teach us hw to earn mre is rather hard is share n learn to contribute....everything is going up n salary nver rather hard for find someone to love you.can be more appreciated.seriously,to married is rather headache.i believe tat you should be young n pleasant looking normally those look decent always start to felt they hve market value out there still all tes nonsense...i suggest u rather mke the thing clean n be fair with ur dont felt the shame to sleep with 2 man hve sex..hello been pro still got money tke...wait can...hw you expect ur friend colleague n ur family to find out u so loss...even we are sporean n open minded to extreme to sleep someone is normal but to sleep with 2 diff man...dun u feel you dirty ma...if u dont hve any love with ur husband...turn ard,ur husband or bf going out sleep ard 2 diff person cme back still sleep with u....omg...pls dun drink ur closed thank...
so dont waste everyone time n ur hubby time go head to separete way or divorce...which man want a wife like sleep ard n so dirty n can be shared among man....if Not really,pls dont married ...give those people chance tat realli nd the flat whom realli appreciated n love each other n a small family a chance.....u are not really to be people wife...


New Member
I'm sure that ample comments have been made with various points of view so I won't belabour them.

Just wanted to respond to your HDB qns. Frm what I heard from a friend who got her BTO with then bf and subsequently broke up (not legally married yet), you lose whatever money has been paid to HDB and they take back the flat. As the flat is not yours yet, they have a right to do so. Think it shld all be stated in the forms you had signed at your first appointment when you paid your 5%.

Even if you are to wait till after you get the keys, HDB ruling is that you can't sell until 5 yrs later anyway. Though I don't think they check so carefully, and I have heard of some who just rent out to make the payments, if your neighbours complain (cos your tenants are problematic, etc) then that would be a huge problem.

Agree with what some others have said about love being the cornerstone of a marriage. If you have had an affair, you have to decide what you want to do and go ahead with it. Divorce isn't a word to sling ard carelessly so you shld think abt it very carefully first. Even then, you will have to come clean to your husband who can very well contest on grounds of infidelity (I think). There's the cost of the deposits you have placed for your AD to think abt too, esp if the amt for banquet is very much.

Hope you get what and who you are looking for in the end.


Active Member
"which man want a wife like sleep ard n so dirty n can be shared among man...."

donna, dun anyhow hantum can anot?
then dun hve affair la ..nver even desolve one issue then jump into another...all tat subcon not mature enough to solve the issue....all nd to go consulting n there is communication.

is truth tat is dirty...impossible is clean...hw can sleep with 2 person n u felt u are not she is the victim...everything tke 2 hand to clap ..


Active Member

sounds like u should resolve your personal issues before dumping the baggage of that on karen... i hope u know what i mean... cos if u dun, u'll be one of those uptight aunties going thru life totally clueless and never knowing why u have no true frens hor...

sounds like u're also those trapped to do what society thinks is rite, and never what u really want and should. Life is wasted if lived this way...


New Member
yep, this "Donna" has no substance (what kind of era is she/he in??) and cannot spell correctly or write cohesively...
A waste of time and space.


Active Member

those issues you had with your me...are actually quite trivial. If you've read other posts here before, your problems are really minor and could have been easily circumvented just by being more sensitive to your in-laws' needs. I do agree that your hubby should not have tried to persuade you to take your masters or what but I'm sure if you insist, there's nothing he could do too right? All these reasons you mentioned, indeed, should not have led to infidelity on your part. If a marriage, if anything, is important and sacred to you, you wouldn't have slept with another one just because you don't get to sleep with your hubby and just because of some other issues with your mother-in-law? I also can't help but to wonder if your mother-in-law, the traditional one, didn't like you that much because of how you've projected yourself perhaps? Maybe you've come across to her as too open-minded. Anyway there are valid reasons why traditional families can't have the couples to stay together till AD because they are afraid to be laughed at if the daughter-in-law is pregnant with a huge bump at the wedding banquet. It really just takes a bit of understanding from both sides to make things better.

Anyway you have made your choice it seems. Indeed, try to end this marriage asap and this is only to be fair to your hubby. In future, whether you end up with this current bf of yours or others, remember to learn to accept their families before and after marriage or you'll be back to square one again.


New Member
Hi all, new member here. Browsed through some threads and seems like the trend is changing. More woman are cheating on their spouses nowadays. Makes me have lesser confidence in love and marriage.


Well-Known Member
We only need to have confidence in the one we choose to be marry and grow old with. All the other usecases of others affairs and divorces is pretty irrelevant. It will be a worrying sign if a spouse is affected by external than the marriage itself.


New Member
Need advise too.

I just ROMed this july. My wife (foreigner) started staying with me over the months. My parents and my spouse couldn't get along. She over heard some stuff and highlighted to me. I tries to console her and One fine day she decided to go back her hometown to get some stuff done. After one week when she was back , she decided to stay at my bros in law house ( brother is a PR) . From then on , she kept bugging me to register our marriage in her country , get a PR , get a class 3 , and buy a HDB.I was shocked why all out of a sudden.

As planned before our marriage , we will apply a long term pass which i did , we will proceed with PR after 6 mths of her stay here and we were working towards it. And now she wants to move it , i offered to rent a flat ( she declined) , Buy a resale flat ( bro in law refused and question me about what if something happen to me , what will happen to the house) I felt that there is too many agendas to this marriage.

During the first few mths , i felt uneasy. whenever she was using the internet , when i got closer she would close the window . Until one fine day , when i was about to use the cpu , i come to see this conversation with a guy . talking about their previous issues and stuff ( flirting here and there). I was shocked and i tried to highlight to her when i went over to my Bro in laws. There was also once so happen her mobile phone (foreign number) rang . It was an sms and a message displayed ( we are a perfect match la) . When i saw it , i do not know what to do. I still love her but i felt like my trust for her or rather we are drifting apart. During our last meet ups , she keep telling me to get a lawyer and she wants demands compensation.

Is it too early to talk about annulment or divorce ?