New Member
I am stressed up with a talk with my bf tonight, which I guess will likely lead to a breakup.. Hope to sought a listening ear here...

I started with my bf 2yrs back when he is still married. actually it was 3yrs back. we were colleagues & I intentionally publicise our outing to our colleagues to hint him that i m not into married man. it worked. he didnt come after me. Somehow along the year, we hit it off & we came together. Being really pissed w myself, I gave him 4mths deadline to settle his divorce(both papers & prperty). I just dont wanna be w a married man. I always wanted my own family. He did it within 3mths & he moved in to my place.

Our 1st year was fantastic. We went to 4-5 holiday trips. He splurged on me & was all over me. My parents were divourced & were staying overseas for years. So, I have only myself to fall back on.

Things were rosy in 1st yr, except for a few instances when he threw tantrums that I did not give him enough attention. In our 2nd yr, he started complaining that I travel too often for work & that he didnt want his kids mum to be always away. We had very bad fights & he later said he doesnt even bother to remember whr i am when i go on trips. We nearly broke up when I was away for 2wks. I requested for job change & my boss agreed but the transfer is not executed as later my boss resigned.

My big boss told me that I can go ahead with the transfer but I stayed in my dpmt as manpower is heavily in shortage. Now my big boss travels on my behalf. Somehow, he still did not talk abt our future, saying my job scope still remain. After going thru numerous quarrels, he finally disclosed the truth that his property with his ex wife is still not sold. That is why he is very stressed whenever I asked abt marriage & getting a hse. My biz trip is 1 part but I guess this is the biggest reason why we quarrel whenever i pushed abt future plan.. Money..He says that he had paid her a big sum of money to get the papers signed asap but yet she always refuse to sell the property at market price.

Basically, he has no $ to marry me. I felt very guilty.. as it seems like my timeline had unintentionally caused him to lose all his savings.. I offered some financial help, which he refused. I asked him to bring the property case to court. He said the other party's lawyer wanted the papers to be re-done due to typo error of lawyer firm's address.. so gotta another 3mths before the case can go court again.. I wait.. Knowing he likes his car, which I like too, I volunteer to sell mine & to buy over his, when wanted to sell his car to relieve some burden.

I was calculating the loan & was suggesting to have a black & white stating how much share is his, since I told him to pay for the maintainance. There is once when he jokingly promote how good his car is. I played along & said it's not a good deal for me since I dont drive it everyday.

Along the way, we had a fight when he commented that we are to break up. He apologised later but the incident has left me quite worried abt my own transport problem if I am to sell my car..

meanwile, when I check out my car resale value, I realise his attitude becomes very discerning over this thing. Having the habit of probing when I felt smthg is not right, I pushed him abt his plan for our future again. He then told me that I ridiculed him when I said his car is not a good deal for me. He says I am not sincere in wanting to help him, as I should have just said I will support & not ridiculed him instead. He is very dissappointed that he is being insulted that way, as he did not ask for my help in the 1st place. He commented that I am very calculative with him, as I want to come up with a document to be official on the car ownership. He misunderstood that I want part of the car ownership, when the car is under his name. But I am talking abt documenting his share when the car is transferred under my name, which is more to protect him.. But he refuse to acknowledge that he misunderstand...

Due to this, he insisted that I am not sincere in rendering my help & that I am not the one he felt will live & die with him & that my love is conditional. He comments that I spent $ on our place coz those are hardware that belongs to me. When it comes to coming up with $ to help him, I ridiculed him & hurt his ego & dat he is very dissappointed.. that i hv decreased my initial verbal commitement of contribution amount to his car..

he has forgotten that I have spent close to twenty thousand in last 3mths for the rental & a minor surgery. And our future nest depends mainly on my savings..

He kept on saying that instead of supporting him thru this dark period with him, I hv hurt his ego more by insulting him & he felt all alone now..

I was shocked by all these remarks thrown at me & I was very sad how things evolved to this extent. I know he is a goner now. I can't change how he felt as he insisted it's spilt milk & he thks my explanation is ridiculous. worst still.. he felt that i brght this all upon myself.. he never ask me for help.. i shouldnt talk to him & hurt his ego that way..

After I came to hear this, I begin to be able to piece up the reason why i felt he is not into talking abt our future. Right now, it's only his job, his property case & his mum (whom he claim is the only who gives him "unconditinal" love).

I spent the whole night thking if i m as selfish, calculative & irritating as he claimed.. I realise it doesn't matter what I thk.. the hedging point is that he thinks i am... I dont have the energy to convince him of the uncertainties i m facing or i m doing the math for us or how much i ned to save for our future..

He is convinced that I have hurt his feelings/ego & nothing can mend it bad.

I hv read a few threads about relationship turning sour, divorce, etc.. I guess the right thg to do is to move on & set him free to find his true unconditional love.. I reckon that since he claim i m not the one who makes him feel will live & die with him, nothing will change in the future.. I am just not the right one for him.


Active Member
i guess being too eager to help financially, and to linkup up the financials BEFORE he gets a clean break, has caused some dependency issues and allowed for him to also take for granted your goodwill.

giving timelines for pple to divorce is not exactly achieveable unless both parties are pretty sure their focus is to divorce... u can Never control parties who are out of your control. your financial help has unwittingly allowed him to offer more generosity to his wife and thus taken the financial control out of his own hand.

i understand u're eager, but u should understand that this is One instance of a relationship whereby u CANNOT have a hand in pushing for the divorce. u will be the baddie whether or not u really are... everything u do can be taken in a negative light, and it will.

buy over his car? that's Charity nomatter how it helps... tat strips him of dignity and EVEN though u're helping him at his lowest point, u're also depleting him of any dignity to stand up in the future, especially to u. even if u guys end up together, he loses his voice in front of u... he is the Damsel, he is in Distress and u are the Hero. BUT - u are also the advocate of him jumping into the hot soup...

honestly, is your deadline ever gonna work? and was it given with any thought to his situation, or for your own sake?

it's gone past wat's right or wrong or what should have been done/not done... i guess wat's left is Whether u want to carry on but on his timeline, without your terms and financial help.

personally, i feel even if it can be sustained, the damages incurred might be a constant pain in the future... the likely beneficiary of all these pain and trouble are likely to be him and his next gfren.


New Member
Ya..the divorce timeline is smthg i's what i told him right in the 1st mth, as I felt very guilty to be involved w a married man &.. being colleagues, we are under pressure to minimise rumours that will ruin both our careers..

I didnt know abt the money issue only till 1mth back when he disclose to me that his ex-wife is making it diff for him to sell the property... For past 1yr, he hid it frm me & been pushing the reason for not moving on w me to my frequent biz trips instd...

Abt buying over his car, he welcomes the idea initially.. just that he snaps when he perceive my comments that it's not a good deal for me as ridiculing him... what started as a joke ends up as the tipping point.

He now says he doent wanna talk tonight... I guess he has nothg to say to me at all..


Active Member
thing is... there's little he can say. he no longer holds any pride in front of u rite? and u can't give it back to him in any way, at least not now. i'd like to say he's overly sensitive given that he should have known full well that it's gonna come to this, but he probably doesn't and it's also too late to realise the loss now. Money is an issue nomatter how much pple try to dispel it with Love...

he is likely to keep u a secret and out of his life at one point becos he's unlikely to ever feel good in your presence. i may be wrong abt this, it does depend on his character... there's 2 things he can do now, give himself to u... or leave u. both ways, he'll lose half of wat he used to be...

dun be mistaken, i can appreciate wat u were trying to do and also going out of your way... it's just tat sometimes, method n approach is Very crucial. in such matters, u should never help as a gfren Unless it's really crucial... so far, the issues are not very crucial and unresolveable, but u have already stepped in. for guys, such financial help should actually come from Self, before touching on Family, wife, frens, then LAST - gfren.

his car is his pride, u should not rescue his car even if u can afford it. buying it shifts his pride to your 'ownership'... he can no longer drive the car in the same way as being the sole-owner. wat's gonna happen next? u buy his house and let him stay... u expect him to feel like an owner? fact is... with every help u give, u deplete his every sense of pride and take away his every achievement. (provided he not the shameless type)

and in hastening his divorce process with timelines, u make him shift the main factor for the cause of the divorce from himself, to u. u empower him to eventually blame u for EVERYTHING...

all these human intricacies need to be figured and sorted out. thought processing is Very impt... for every action Well-intentioned or Evil, for every word Sweet or harsh... there's Implications.

and to be Very truthful... dun take his words tat ex-wife is that difficult and causing the problems... if i were him, this is the point where i'd have Second thoughts on marriage and jumping out of 1 marriage straight into another... particularly if i will not have a voice from the word Go.

the ex-wife will make for a good reason to just wear u out and make u leave, particularly if he's weak to make decisions.

thing is, it is likely that on some days he wants to be with u, and on other days - he'll fear a future with u. Love might be there, but pride is just as impt...

hope i have untied some knots for u...


New Member
Hi powder, just my personal opinion, i agreed that it's grey's mistake to offer help in buying over his boyf's car to relieve him financially.

But if a guy thinks that his car is his pride, he wouldnt have to oblige to her girlfriend's offer in the first place???

Now what i see is, he had happliy accepted his girlf help, clinging on to his whatever pride/ego and been ultra-sensitive to her words. Then suddenly got so furious over the whole espiode and blame everything on this girlf.

From a girl point of view, i feel that he is not fair to her leh, she just wanted to help him lessen his financial burden not aware that she had hurt his pride or humiliated....


Active Member
yup, u're not wrong... but what would your focus be now? - to judge Fair/Not Fair?

do note i'm not here to point fingers, i'm just running my thoughts on the matter and hoping tat she sees an angle there which may be helpful to the whole affair of whether to stay on or not.

alot of pple can tell if something is fair or not fair, right or wrong. but Seeing that helps nothing, does it? end of the day it's what u do After knowing that.

u can say 100 times "he's not being fair". and u are not wrong to say that, not at all. but if that's how far u can go in terms of moving forward, then it leaves much to be desired and u'll be Ultra-dependent on the other person to Say Sorry, Make it up to u, Realise his mistake...

what if he doesn't? back to square one rite? so move on from the right and wrong. assess what u could have done better, pick up the lessons, and learn something for yourself.


New Member
Thanks for your views..

We had a talk last night, but we just kept going round in circles.. his words against mine... we even remembered different thgs.. He insisted I wanted a document to claim my share of the car when car is under his name.. I insisted I wanted a document to state his share when under my name... He said there were at least 2 instances when I threw remarks that are undermining him..& he justified his accusation of my mock/sympathy of his situation with all instances he can recollect where he deemed my remarks as sacarstic..

It's really silly & sad... I was agitated & explain myself aggressively, as I never was maligned like this before..

At one point, he claimed that perhaps the problem lies with his unrealistic expectation of an ideal gf who will only give kind remarks.. He acknowledge he may be too sensitive as he always is.. **fyi, when we first got together, he will jump up & want to leave my place suddenly, coz he felt that I neglect him when I read magazone..** BUT the next moment, he said that since I know that he is so sensitive I shd take extra care with my words.... he said this is even worse, as it means that I do not understand him after so long...

I was utterly dissappointed.. & my heart sank.. In my heart, I am asking myself how come he doesn't understand me after so long then...that I blurted words w/o thkg much..

Eventually, I asked him to let me knw what a person he thougt of me now, since he meant what he said... calculative, selfish, insincere, "not the one who will live & die" with him... he couldn't answer & ask if he can go thk abt it...
... I can't help laughing in my heart in that instance... I felt so silly & worthless.. and stupid that I got myself into such a situation..

Anyway, I agreed dat he can take his time to think... and I know there will never be an answer.. he may just never return..

After giving it some thots, it's clear he is not here to communicate or salvage our rel.. he is here to tell me he is right... to convince me dat I triger the ill-feelings in him & i am to blame if he is to walk out... in spite of my apology for saying hurtful thgs to him... I realise he is back to wear me out emotionally..

However much I try to dismiss, to ignore, to deny... I can't help thinking that he is playing mind game to leave the relationship behind, without being the bad person who initiates it... Since we are colleagues and he is one who is highly concerned of reputation... he knws he will be in bad light if he is to initiate a split..

I am still sad... My heart still ache... I still can't help tearing ... I felt vengeful... I felt like I am being taken for a ride... I felt he is the worst man on earth.. I felt I am such a failure being a women.. I felt I am such a shame to have behaved so deperately... And I hate myself for still missing him... i wish this painful period will pass asap...

Thanks alot powder... you have really opened up another perspective of my thoughts... Appreciate your listening ear & opinions..


Active Member
hi greyhound,

am always glad to share... it's quiet tonite and i can almost sense the mixed emotions at your end of the pc... the words repeating in the head, the frustrations n wishing tat he could actually see where u're coming from... it's not easy. i guess u'll need some time to yourself to recollect the events...

if u do find yourself getting angry, dun be angry with him nor yourself... be angry with the fact tat maybe at this point, just this point - your views towards your current issues can't see eye-to-eye. be it a different level of maturity or understanding, it's not a person's fault, but rather the timings dun matchup at this point.

perhaps one day u'd have your thoughts aligned, perhaps one day he'd see the motivation behind your help and the blindness he possessed at this point... perhaps he'll still have a chance to make things rite. til then, the only sure-thing which isn't 'perhaps' is that u just stepped up another level in Life's Understanding.

like all those Maths sums... when u can't solve it, skip it first and come back to it again later... only difference is - u get to read-up abit before attempting again. and he gets to reflect in the meantime...

u're definitely not a failure nor should u feel ashamed... u did what your heart told u to... and i'll let u in on a secret... nomatter how angry we all get, we'll still miss the person. the nicer moments creep in from time to time becos they're Real... they were sincere n they happened. we're human, we'll miss...


New Member
Hi powder, the reason why i posted is because when i read through your second post, i feel that you are putting too much emphasize on the consequences that she will be getting for her unknowing mistake ; that is buying over his car hoping that that it will relief a bit of his financial burden.

i just want to voice out that this guy is also being weak and grapping whatever reasons he had to blamed for his plight now.

okay, sorry for being emotional, now the most important thing here is Grey able to take some time to reflect, learn from the relationship, through a guy's perspectives and find her way out.


Active Member
hey u're not wrong...

i just skipped all the right/wrong fair/unfair part. i normally dun like to dwell on this part becos this part is commonly the place where pple lose their youth and go round in circles.

can't do much abt her bfren since he's not here... so just sharing some perspective before the 1st step...


New Member
Hi Greyhound,

Just take it as a painful lesson learnt.
Even if you get back together again, you will never be truely happy as there is a scar in the relationship.

Just make sure you don't repeat the same mistake again with the next man.

That is "Never be involved in a married man, no matter how good or attractive he is."

Be confident in yourself. Tell yourself everyday, I don't have to settle for a married man, when there are so many single, eligible men.

When I was single, if I meet any married men, my red flag signal will go up.
I tried not to be too close to them, no idle chat, only work talk.

I don't about you but for me I discovered that if I chat or joke too much with a man.
He will try to date me.
So give more chances for single men to date you and ZERO chance to married men.

Trust me. You will definitely be happier.
Wedding bells will be ringing soon.