greyhound7174
New Member
I am stressed up with a talk with my bf tonight, which I guess will likely lead to a breakup.. Hope to sought a listening ear here...
I started with my bf 2yrs back when he is still married. actually it was 3yrs back. we were colleagues & I intentionally publicise our outing to our colleagues to hint him that i m not into married man. it worked. he didnt come after me. Somehow along the year, we hit it off & we came together. Being really pissed w myself, I gave him 4mths deadline to settle his divorce(both papers & prperty). I just dont wanna be w a married man. I always wanted my own family. He did it within 3mths & he moved in to my place.
Our 1st year was fantastic. We went to 4-5 holiday trips. He splurged on me & was all over me. My parents were divourced & were staying overseas for years. So, I have only myself to fall back on.
Things were rosy in 1st yr, except for a few instances when he threw tantrums that I did not give him enough attention. In our 2nd yr, he started complaining that I travel too often for work & that he didnt want his kids mum to be always away. We had very bad fights & he later said he doesnt even bother to remember whr i am when i go on trips. We nearly broke up when I was away for 2wks. I requested for job change & my boss agreed but the transfer is not executed as later my boss resigned.
My big boss told me that I can go ahead with the transfer but I stayed in my dpmt as manpower is heavily in shortage. Now my big boss travels on my behalf. Somehow, he still did not talk abt our future, saying my job scope still remain. After going thru numerous quarrels, he finally disclosed the truth that his property with his ex wife is still not sold. That is why he is very stressed whenever I asked abt marriage & getting a hse. My biz trip is 1 part but I guess this is the biggest reason why we quarrel whenever i pushed abt future plan.. Money..He says that he had paid her a big sum of money to get the papers signed asap but yet she always refuse to sell the property at market price.
Basically, he has no $ to marry me. I felt very guilty.. as it seems like my timeline had unintentionally caused him to lose all his savings.. I offered some financial help, which he refused. I asked him to bring the property case to court. He said the other party's lawyer wanted the papers to be re-done due to typo error of lawyer firm's address.. so gotta another 3mths before the case can go court again.. I wait.. Knowing he likes his car, which I like too, I volunteer to sell mine & to buy over his, when wanted to sell his car to relieve some burden.
I was calculating the loan & was suggesting to have a black & white stating how much share is his, since I told him to pay for the maintainance. There is once when he jokingly promote how good his car is. I played along & said it's not a good deal for me since I dont drive it everyday.
Along the way, we had a fight when he commented that we are to break up. He apologised later but the incident has left me quite worried abt my own transport problem if I am to sell my car..
meanwile, when I check out my car resale value, I realise his attitude becomes very discerning over this thing. Having the habit of probing when I felt smthg is not right, I pushed him abt his plan for our future again. He then told me that I ridiculed him when I said his car is not a good deal for me. He says I am not sincere in wanting to help him, as I should have just said I will support & not ridiculed him instead. He is very dissappointed that he is being insulted that way, as he did not ask for my help in the 1st place. He commented that I am very calculative with him, as I want to come up with a document to be official on the car ownership. He misunderstood that I want part of the car ownership, when the car is under his name. But I am talking abt documenting his share when the car is transferred under my name, which is more to protect him.. But he refuse to acknowledge that he misunderstand...
Due to this, he insisted that I am not sincere in rendering my help & that I am not the one he felt will live & die with him & that my love is conditional. He comments that I spent $ on our place coz those are hardware that belongs to me. When it comes to coming up with $ to help him, I ridiculed him & hurt his ego & dat he is very dissappointed.. that i hv decreased my initial verbal commitement of contribution amount to his car..
he has forgotten that I have spent close to twenty thousand in last 3mths for the rental & a minor surgery. And our future nest depends mainly on my savings..
He kept on saying that instead of supporting him thru this dark period with him, I hv hurt his ego more by insulting him & he felt all alone now..
I was shocked by all these remarks thrown at me & I was very sad how things evolved to this extent. I know he is a goner now. I can't change how he felt as he insisted it's spilt milk & he thks my explanation is ridiculous. worst still.. he felt that i brght this all upon myself.. he never ask me for help.. i shouldnt talk to him & hurt his ego that way..
After I came to hear this, I begin to be able to piece up the reason why i felt he is not into talking abt our future. Right now, it's only his job, his property case & his mum (whom he claim is the only who gives him "unconditinal" love).
I spent the whole night thking if i m as selfish, calculative & irritating as he claimed.. I realise it doesn't matter what I thk.. the hedging point is that he thinks i am... I dont have the energy to convince him of the uncertainties i m facing or i m doing the math for us or how much i ned to save for our future..
He is convinced that I have hurt his feelings/ego & nothing can mend it bad.
I hv read a few threads about relationship turning sour, divorce, etc.. I guess the right thg to do is to move on & set him free to find his true unconditional love.. I reckon that since he claim i m not the one who makes him feel will live & die with him, nothing will change in the future.. I am just not the right one for him.
I started with my bf 2yrs back when he is still married. actually it was 3yrs back. we were colleagues & I intentionally publicise our outing to our colleagues to hint him that i m not into married man. it worked. he didnt come after me. Somehow along the year, we hit it off & we came together. Being really pissed w myself, I gave him 4mths deadline to settle his divorce(both papers & prperty). I just dont wanna be w a married man. I always wanted my own family. He did it within 3mths & he moved in to my place.
Our 1st year was fantastic. We went to 4-5 holiday trips. He splurged on me & was all over me. My parents were divourced & were staying overseas for years. So, I have only myself to fall back on.
Things were rosy in 1st yr, except for a few instances when he threw tantrums that I did not give him enough attention. In our 2nd yr, he started complaining that I travel too often for work & that he didnt want his kids mum to be always away. We had very bad fights & he later said he doesnt even bother to remember whr i am when i go on trips. We nearly broke up when I was away for 2wks. I requested for job change & my boss agreed but the transfer is not executed as later my boss resigned.
My big boss told me that I can go ahead with the transfer but I stayed in my dpmt as manpower is heavily in shortage. Now my big boss travels on my behalf. Somehow, he still did not talk abt our future, saying my job scope still remain. After going thru numerous quarrels, he finally disclosed the truth that his property with his ex wife is still not sold. That is why he is very stressed whenever I asked abt marriage & getting a hse. My biz trip is 1 part but I guess this is the biggest reason why we quarrel whenever i pushed abt future plan.. Money..He says that he had paid her a big sum of money to get the papers signed asap but yet she always refuse to sell the property at market price.
Basically, he has no $ to marry me. I felt very guilty.. as it seems like my timeline had unintentionally caused him to lose all his savings.. I offered some financial help, which he refused. I asked him to bring the property case to court. He said the other party's lawyer wanted the papers to be re-done due to typo error of lawyer firm's address.. so gotta another 3mths before the case can go court again.. I wait.. Knowing he likes his car, which I like too, I volunteer to sell mine & to buy over his, when wanted to sell his car to relieve some burden.
I was calculating the loan & was suggesting to have a black & white stating how much share is his, since I told him to pay for the maintainance. There is once when he jokingly promote how good his car is. I played along & said it's not a good deal for me since I dont drive it everyday.
Along the way, we had a fight when he commented that we are to break up. He apologised later but the incident has left me quite worried abt my own transport problem if I am to sell my car..
meanwile, when I check out my car resale value, I realise his attitude becomes very discerning over this thing. Having the habit of probing when I felt smthg is not right, I pushed him abt his plan for our future again. He then told me that I ridiculed him when I said his car is not a good deal for me. He says I am not sincere in wanting to help him, as I should have just said I will support & not ridiculed him instead. He is very dissappointed that he is being insulted that way, as he did not ask for my help in the 1st place. He commented that I am very calculative with him, as I want to come up with a document to be official on the car ownership. He misunderstood that I want part of the car ownership, when the car is under his name. But I am talking abt documenting his share when the car is transferred under my name, which is more to protect him.. But he refuse to acknowledge that he misunderstand...
Due to this, he insisted that I am not sincere in rendering my help & that I am not the one he felt will live & die with him & that my love is conditional. He comments that I spent $ on our place coz those are hardware that belongs to me. When it comes to coming up with $ to help him, I ridiculed him & hurt his ego & dat he is very dissappointed.. that i hv decreased my initial verbal commitement of contribution amount to his car..
he has forgotten that I have spent close to twenty thousand in last 3mths for the rental & a minor surgery. And our future nest depends mainly on my savings..
He kept on saying that instead of supporting him thru this dark period with him, I hv hurt his ego more by insulting him & he felt all alone now..
I was shocked by all these remarks thrown at me & I was very sad how things evolved to this extent. I know he is a goner now. I can't change how he felt as he insisted it's spilt milk & he thks my explanation is ridiculous. worst still.. he felt that i brght this all upon myself.. he never ask me for help.. i shouldnt talk to him & hurt his ego that way..
After I came to hear this, I begin to be able to piece up the reason why i felt he is not into talking abt our future. Right now, it's only his job, his property case & his mum (whom he claim is the only who gives him "unconditinal" love).
I spent the whole night thking if i m as selfish, calculative & irritating as he claimed.. I realise it doesn't matter what I thk.. the hedging point is that he thinks i am... I dont have the energy to convince him of the uncertainties i m facing or i m doing the math for us or how much i ned to save for our future..
He is convinced that I have hurt his feelings/ego & nothing can mend it bad.
I hv read a few threads about relationship turning sour, divorce, etc.. I guess the right thg to do is to move on & set him free to find his true unconditional love.. I reckon that since he claim i m not the one who makes him feel will live & die with him, nothing will change in the future.. I am just not the right one for him.