Sad and looking for help about annulment..

[Samantha187]

Hi everyone, I am new here.. My fiance disclosed to me few week back he was married before and the marriage ended. He said they annulled it. It breaks my heart that he told me after so many years together and we plan ROM. We are supposed to get married in June this year. Even so I forgive him but he does not want to tell me honestly when his previous marriage happen and end. I tried asking him and ppl close to him, no straight ans. Everytime same reply, to move forward, dont talk about past, I really love you, he never cheat on you etc. I dont know if I can commit my life to him when he cant be honest with this one thing.. It is already a big news for me to digest.. I also dont know if he cheated on me with his then wife.. I feel very sad... I need help to find answers.. I need help to know if there is any way I can find out when the marriage ended. Any advice on how to get this info and which org to approach (is it court?),. Anyone who has went through annulment before or has knowledge, will be thankful to hear your advice. I thought of seeing lawyer but like very ex.. we already spent lots on wedding cost..

 

[Chocogal]

Hi dear I went through annulment. TBH, so u think it's even good or healthy that u have to go through such means as to find out when he was married or when he annul his marriage. Will it Change anything as it's just dates...Or rather numbers...The dates you can't change as it's a fact that yes he's really married n annulled a Marriage before.. he's not as what or who you thought before..All along...

Isit abt the dates that's so important or that he is not coming clean w u that u r Not able to get a str n direct answers from him that's making u anxious. Is he playing hard to get and why did he say part A n leave the part B out.. its like a title without any content to it. Why is it soo difficult for him to come clean w u right fr the start. At least u have a choice right fr e beginning..Maybe perhaps he is worried that u might not even start any rs w him yrs ago if u noe he has annulled marriage. Sorry to say I think it's abit selfish and unfair to only bring up e topic now when u r almost signing e paper and like you said you all spent a lot on e wedding cost so he's take is very selfish.. (his thinking maybe= ya, I confess to u, n u have a choice, with so much spent n u already Loved him sooo Much..)His thinking is, surely 80% u will be fine n proceed w e wedding without much argument. He left u with no choice.. n struggling.. he's conscience will be clear on his part.. but he left u to be OK n dangling without any answers to your simple qns. U have every right to ask why not...Why does he have to hide? He's even not sorry that he kept it from you over so many years?

U r gg to spent your life w this guy.. r u sure? I think u r already having the thought of hesistant.. to proceed.. it's already April.. n ur wedding is in June...In a marriage there's more bigger things to discuss etc...

 

[Chocogal]

Babe don't Ned to find lawyer to find out what you want. No one will tell you that.. under the law, he is single.. everything will be void...I will have to tell you frankly ignore the dates.. but think abt why u feel sad...I think ur heart knows it well enough why it's sad... settle e mini issues before u both r ready to move forward together...

Sorry to be harsh, but marriage is forever commitment..In a rs breakup yes it's painful..After u signed the paper to reverse it's not easy n not child's play. We have to be responsible for all our decisions.

 

[beaverjuice]

There is a high chance that he cheated on his wife to be with you. And that you will be the xiao-san in the eyes of his wife and her family.

Can you move past that? If you can't, then going into this marriage won't work and he needs to know that. So unless he can come up with straight answers i think it is best to call off the wedding. I don't see how this is tenable.

Lastly, why should the burden be on your shoulders to find out when he annulled his previous marriage? As my ah-beng runner used to say - you owe him one arrrrhhhhh?

 

[joysl82]

Dates are not important. I guess the hurt comes from he is not being frank with you right at the start. To some man, annulment is a shameful thing. Do have HTH talk with him, not abt doubting if he loves you. It's abt integrity and honesty. Like what Chocogal has said, marriage is commitment. He has done once mistake, does he wants the marriage with you to last this time? Its a question both needs to work togather.

If he is willing to come clean with his annulment, how well you can accept and continue to ROM with him. This question you need to think hard. Finding out history may needs to leads to more unwanted things. Are you ready for it?

If you die die need some date, perhaps finding marriage record may help.

https://www.rom.gov.sg/emrs/rom_emrs_cpmty_start.asp

 

[newproject]

There is a high chance that he cheated on his wife to be with you. And that you will be the xiao-san in the eyes of his wife and her family.

Can you move past that? If you can't, then going into this marriage won't work and he needs to know that. So unless he can come up with straight answers i think it is best to call off the wedding. I don't see how this is tenable.

Lastly, why should the burden be on your shoulders to find out when he annulled his previous marriage? As my ah-beng runner used to say - you owe him one arrrrhhhhh?

There is a high chance that he cheated on his wife to be with you. And that you will be the xiao-san in the eyes of his wife and her family.

Can you move past that?

What?? talk about jumping to conclusions.

How I interpreted OP story was that her financee only told her a few weeks ago he had an anullment in the past

Not that he anulled the marriage a few weeks ago.

How does that lead to a "high chance" he cheated with his wife (technically anullment you can't say wife) to be with OP?

As a guy who had an anullment and now happily married I can empathize with guys feeling hesitant of disclosing they had an anullment before.

For some conservative people (few to no other r/s) there are feelings of shame, worry that the other party might feel they are unworthy of them (particularly if both parties are conservative).

I suspect he wanted to tell you but we time went by he found it easier to not say until now he realized during preregisteration of ROM you need to disclose that you had an anullment and show proof.

For me, I disclosed my anullment extremely early even though it was difficult for me.

For OP , I can't really advice since I don't know how your financee is like. I can only share how as a guy I felt

 

[newproject]

Hi everyone, I am new here.. My fiance disclosed to me few week back he was married before and the marriage ended. He said they annulled it. It breaks my heart that he told me after so many years together and we plan ROM. We are supposed to get married in June this year. Even so I forgive him but he does not want to tell me honestly when his previous marriage happen and end. I tried asking him and ppl close to him, no straight ans. Everytime same reply, to move forward, dont talk about past, I really love you, he never cheat on you etc. I dont know if I can commit my life to him when he cant be honest with this one thing.. It is already a big news for me to digest.. I also dont know if he cheated on me with his then wife.. I feel very sad... I need help to find answers.. I need help to know if there is any way I can find out when the marriage ended. Any advice on how to get this info and which org to approach (is it court?),. Anyone who has went through annulment before or has knowledge, will be thankful to hear your advice. I thought of seeing lawyer but like very ex.. we already spent lots on wedding cost..

Dear Samantha you can go ROM website use his IC number to check when he registered his marriage. It's free for up to 3 times a year I think.

That date plus 3 years is the last date he could have anulled. Eg if he register Jan 2017, last he could anulled is Jan 2020

But I don't know how to check for exact date of anullment. I don't think it's on that system.

I have a question, so if you managed to get the date of anullment then what? Are you thinking if that date is before he started with you it's not cheating and you will be okay?

I know for a fact when registering the wedding he will need to show a cert certifying his anullment. ask him for that.

Let's say you saw that date and it's after you started with him ,do you consider that cheating?

I think such things you need to consider the legal process takes months (anullment is faster than divorce if no contest but still take time), so emotionally it wouldn't even be cheating in that sense.

I guess the main red flag is he refuse to tell you the dates. Ask for the Judgment of Nullity

If he refuse to show Ask him why he refuse to show the dates.

Refusal to say why the r/s broke up I can understand because it can still hurt emotionally maybe the girl refused to consumate due to emotional issues etc

But refusal to show something so straight forward as the cert? He don't even need say anything just show you.

One more q. Before you knew about this anullment did he mentiion about past r/s ?

For yourself is this your first real r/s?

How old are you both?

 

[beaverjuice]

There is no shame in disclosing the truth (ie you're a divorcee) from the onset. Especially since you never know if the relationship could lead to something more serious eg marriage down the road.

If you can't be honest from the onset, it could lead to the same predicament that TS is now under.

Don't get me wrong, divorcees can still find happiness in a second marriage but i think as far as relationship status goes, it is best to be honest from the onset or at least when the r/s is starting to get serious. Wither single, attached, divorced, widowed, confused etc.

Of course there is no need to "confess" on the first date larrrrr....


PS: i think i misread the part of him still finalizing his divorce before getting together with you. My bad. But still it is best to know when he annulled his marrage just to be sure so that you have full disclosure from him and closure on your part.

 

[newproject]

There is no shame in disclosing the truth (ie you're a divorcee) from the onset. part.

Actually if you anulled you cannot call yourself a divorcee.

If you can't be honest from the onset, it could lead to the same predicament that TS is now under.

Easy to say of course.

Don't get me wrong, divorcees can still find happiness in a second marriage but i think as far as relationship status goes, it is best to be honest from the onset or at least when the r/s is starting to get serious.

Methinks you have no clue about the difference between an anullament and divorce.

 

[beaverjuice]

Regardless, annulment does not change the fact that the fiance was married before and worse still fiance chose to conceal this from TS.

Makes one wonder if there are other worms in the can if one digs further into the past ....

Since TS wondered if her fiance cheated on his wife with her - it begs the question as to when the marriage was annulled? Before or after they got together.... how far down the rabbit hole one needs to go to understand one's lifelong partner?

Hiding, dishonesty, deception etc does not edify a relationship.....

 

[MyENV]

Every healthy relationship is built on love, trust and respect. Both also need to be able to speak their mind and truly listen to each other. If there is no trust, respect and communication in a relationship, what’s there to be in a relationship full of falsehood.

His previous marriage and annulment was pretty serious matter to keep from you for years. Deliberate deception is almost always unacceptable. He doesn’t care how that affects you by not come clean about his past.

Trust once broken, you’d be constantly worrying about what else he has lied about or is lying about right now. Is that the way you want to live?

Your boyfriend has got to earn the trust back, the onus is on him. He has to come clean about his past to build trust. He needs to get serious about being open and honest. I would strongly advise you to talk to him about it. You both also seriously need premarital counselling to work on trust and communication.