I have been married for 7 months and stayed with my husband for a year where he works; Korea. We never had issues of cleanliness/toilet seats/little pet peeves.
I take it as my full responsibilities to cook, clean, wash, household stuff.
Whenever we come back to sgp for vacation, it's mixed feelings coz I miss my family, but when I go back to his house to stay, his mum constantly picks on me.
About 2 months back we were making our customary dinner plans and paid the deposit after consulting our parents if they were agreeable to the plans.
Then 2 weeks later, his mum called to say she wants the dinner plans changed or else none of his relatives will go, and he immediately agreed and ordered me to e-mail the hotel to change the plans which would eventually cause us to lose out because the contract was for a western and not chinese dinner.
I got upset that he didn't consult me, and he saw nothing wrong in his decision making. I got so upset that I needed a breather I told him I have nobody in Korea but I would shift to a nearby inn for awhile because it felt uncomfortable to be in the same house acting like strangers.
He told everyone I walked out on him. But anyway I went back 4 days later after coming to terms that I just have to give in. He also acted as though nothing happened. But he also resigned his job saying he felt too devastated to work because he had no mood, he thought he had lost me.
Ever since, he was jobless for a month and we saw each other everyday. From the time of all those planning, I was beginning to get panic attacks and suffered from panic disorder. The doctors there could hardly understand me, but gave me sleeping pills instead.
So when we were seeing each other everyday the sleeping pills caused me to sleep longer, especially if we were out the night before till late and I could only take the pills then it takes a longer time to take effect especially I needed to let the alcohol loose it's effect first. Because of this, our issues started that I didn't go to bed same time as him I disturb him when I go into the room (I use my mobile phone as my source of light to find my way to the bed), and I wake up late and there is no breakfast...etc.
So sometimes I prepare all the stuff for breakfast and all he needs to do is pop the bread in the toaster, butter/spreader/plate/fork everything layed out, even coffee powder already in the cup, just add hot water.
For me, life was back to normal because I would do my usual cleaning, grocery shopping, packing, cooking. For him he's sit in front of the TV the whole day to play computer games. Sometimes he would go out and take his bike for a ride, and both are happy because he has something to do at least.
Few times he offered to take me to the mall since the last time we went shopping together was pre-marriage. He says he needs to do his part and sometimes do what I like, or help me with the grocery. Knowing very well he hates shopping, I'd either say no, or just go with him but make it a quick one.
SOmetimes I follow him on bike trips just to enjoy the rural scenery. One occasion we went riding and I requested that on the way back to stop somewhere to buy some late lunch since I have not eaten anything since late morning. But he already had breakfast. He then took me to a cafe and had some food. Next door was a knick-knack store. My favourite type of store that sells cheap stuff. So after our food, I said I wanted to go in just to look around.
About 5 mins later, he yelled from the entrance of the shop to tell me to finish now, his bike is beginning to heat up. I put everything I wanted to buy back. And we headed home. First thing after taking off the helmet was the telling me off session. He yelled at me saying I just couldn't respect his riding day, making end up as my shopping and leisure day, which of course I retorted that that was really unreasonable.
We didn't talk much after that. ALso, during the time I was staying in the Inn, I went to perm my hair on impulse. It turned out a disaster and trying to straighten it made it worse, so the salon sold me some treatment thing to use everyday. It was troublesome because the treatment had to be left in my hair for 1/2 hour before washing off.
So sometimes I'll do it first thing after waking up, if we had no afternoon plans or do it after we come back. But there were few occasions when in the midst of doing the hair treatment he needs to go out and collect stuff, and we needed to go by car (he doesn't drive) So I quickly washed everything off and we rushed out, and he would mumble that I am slow in everything I do which irritates him.
We were supposed to come back for vacation mid december, but his company offered him a temporary post in Abu Dhabi for 2 weeks. So I went back to SGP, he went to UAE, we arranged for the same day to leave. From the island he worked in, we had to take a 5 hour bus ride to Seoul and 1 hour taxi ride to ICN airport. We left the house at 10, to the bus station only to realise the last bus was at 9.30pm, so we ended up taking a taxi which cost him USD$500 but it was claimable.
In the taxi we chatted a little and when we came to the topic of wedding plans, he either didn't answer me, pretend to sleep or tell me to get over the changes. During that time we both knew we had some tension but agreed to try work it out.
We reached the airport at 4am, and he was very grumpy because there was no where comfortable to lie down and it would be another few hours before we could check in. I could go in first because my flight was 9am while his was 10.30am.
After a few days in UAE, he called to say the job would last 2 1/2 months meaning christmas and new year could not be spent with me the second time.. and what was worse, where he was there was internet connection, but skype, msn, yahoo messenger were all banned so we could only call each other, e-mail or chat on facebook. I would e-mail sweet nothings to him, or about my day, or call him or sms him.Sometimes he replies, mostly he doesn't.
I then received an e-mail from someone who only stated "you'd hate this"In the attachment was a facebook inbox conversation between my husband and a girl he used to go after. She said she broke up with her boyfriend, while he bitched about me being difficult to live with, the marriage is failing, and he wants his singlehood so he can get his freedom to do anything he wants. And they couldn't wait to meet up after he gets back. And this was dated 2 weeks after we left Korea and the times stated were his lunch and evening times.
I got very hurt because we didn't argue from the time we left korea, because we agreed to try to make it work, and he said he couldn't call or e-mail me because everyday was busy and he would be very tired.
Then on last monday, a public holiday, he called me, I was shopping in carrefour for some clay thing to clean his bike. He sounded nonchalant even though he was the one who called. It was then that I asked him casually, so how is it being 'single' in UAE, he said he missed me. I started to break down when I told him I knew about the conversation. Then he got angry and said he had all the right to bitch to his friends. I agreed, but this didn't seem like bitching to me, more like insinuating something to happen between him and that girl. He got all defensive and started telling me how hard his work is and I'm still finding fault with him and that I'm ruining his off-day.
In the middle of carrefour I was crying, and the whole wide world looked at me even though I wasn't making any noise except a shakey conversation. He told me he's sick and tired of all this BS, and owes me no explanation and that I'm difficult and he wants to get out of this.
About 3 hours later, he called me back to apologise and say he didn't mean what he said and wanted to work things out. That he loves me and doesn't want the marriage to fail. I just kept quiet, and told him not to yell like that at me again.
Few days later he e-mailed me telling me everything about me that pisses him off, and asked me to tell him what about him pisses me off.. I only replied "How you magnify and exaggerate every little thing you think I do wrong".
These e-mails continued for the next few days, but I would always make it a point to sms him good nite, since I could say it to him face to face. He never replied to any of them. The e-mails were eccentric. One would say how he wants it to work, the other would say i should fault him on things he doesn't think he's done wrong. And how I like to argue over little things, and he will just walk away when I do so because he thinks it's the same kind of arguments. I felt very insecure.
Last night he called and we were talking like acquaintances. Then I told him I couldn't differentiate when he means what he says and when he doesn't. As it was we left Korea with a heavy heart but determined to work it out. Then all he replied was he wants to sleep. I told him he cannot keep doing this, it's escapism. I wanted to trash it all out and really finally let everything go and start working it out without all that past issues. We ended up quarrelling and he insisted we just weren't compatible in character, and it was a mistake. I just couldn't agree because throughout the time we lived together my character never changed and we were ok.So when I finally asked him how can we work it out. His reply, maybe I'm not meant to be married at all. I find you a pain and you pick fights with me. I asked so what's the solution while crying. He only said 'separate'. I couldn't talk anymore and he said he just wants to sleep, so we hung up. Last night was the worst night I ever had even though for the past few days I was already affected by his mails and haven;t been eating/sleeping well.
Since the wedding is 6 mths away, the compensation to the hotel would be $7K, lawyer fees about $5k or more, and from the beginning his mum told him not to add my name to his house. So basically at the end of the day I have a loan to pay, and not working and dumped. He had already planned to go back to Korea after UAE to work meaning he just wants to escape.
I'm at this horrible situation and crossroads, no idea what I've done wrong to him, no idea if he had it all planned. I can't even find a proper word to describe my feelings, except I haven't eaten for a week, I only drink and take my medication and cry.
I'm so lost. I really have no idea what to do, I'm legally bound to him while doesn't seem to take it seriously at all...
I take it as my full responsibilities to cook, clean, wash, household stuff.
Whenever we come back to sgp for vacation, it's mixed feelings coz I miss my family, but when I go back to his house to stay, his mum constantly picks on me.
About 2 months back we were making our customary dinner plans and paid the deposit after consulting our parents if they were agreeable to the plans.
Then 2 weeks later, his mum called to say she wants the dinner plans changed or else none of his relatives will go, and he immediately agreed and ordered me to e-mail the hotel to change the plans which would eventually cause us to lose out because the contract was for a western and not chinese dinner.
I got upset that he didn't consult me, and he saw nothing wrong in his decision making. I got so upset that I needed a breather I told him I have nobody in Korea but I would shift to a nearby inn for awhile because it felt uncomfortable to be in the same house acting like strangers.
He told everyone I walked out on him. But anyway I went back 4 days later after coming to terms that I just have to give in. He also acted as though nothing happened. But he also resigned his job saying he felt too devastated to work because he had no mood, he thought he had lost me.
Ever since, he was jobless for a month and we saw each other everyday. From the time of all those planning, I was beginning to get panic attacks and suffered from panic disorder. The doctors there could hardly understand me, but gave me sleeping pills instead.
So when we were seeing each other everyday the sleeping pills caused me to sleep longer, especially if we were out the night before till late and I could only take the pills then it takes a longer time to take effect especially I needed to let the alcohol loose it's effect first. Because of this, our issues started that I didn't go to bed same time as him I disturb him when I go into the room (I use my mobile phone as my source of light to find my way to the bed), and I wake up late and there is no breakfast...etc.
So sometimes I prepare all the stuff for breakfast and all he needs to do is pop the bread in the toaster, butter/spreader/plate/fork everything layed out, even coffee powder already in the cup, just add hot water.
For me, life was back to normal because I would do my usual cleaning, grocery shopping, packing, cooking. For him he's sit in front of the TV the whole day to play computer games. Sometimes he would go out and take his bike for a ride, and both are happy because he has something to do at least.
Few times he offered to take me to the mall since the last time we went shopping together was pre-marriage. He says he needs to do his part and sometimes do what I like, or help me with the grocery. Knowing very well he hates shopping, I'd either say no, or just go with him but make it a quick one.
SOmetimes I follow him on bike trips just to enjoy the rural scenery. One occasion we went riding and I requested that on the way back to stop somewhere to buy some late lunch since I have not eaten anything since late morning. But he already had breakfast. He then took me to a cafe and had some food. Next door was a knick-knack store. My favourite type of store that sells cheap stuff. So after our food, I said I wanted to go in just to look around.
About 5 mins later, he yelled from the entrance of the shop to tell me to finish now, his bike is beginning to heat up. I put everything I wanted to buy back. And we headed home. First thing after taking off the helmet was the telling me off session. He yelled at me saying I just couldn't respect his riding day, making end up as my shopping and leisure day, which of course I retorted that that was really unreasonable.
We didn't talk much after that. ALso, during the time I was staying in the Inn, I went to perm my hair on impulse. It turned out a disaster and trying to straighten it made it worse, so the salon sold me some treatment thing to use everyday. It was troublesome because the treatment had to be left in my hair for 1/2 hour before washing off.
So sometimes I'll do it first thing after waking up, if we had no afternoon plans or do it after we come back. But there were few occasions when in the midst of doing the hair treatment he needs to go out and collect stuff, and we needed to go by car (he doesn't drive) So I quickly washed everything off and we rushed out, and he would mumble that I am slow in everything I do which irritates him.
We were supposed to come back for vacation mid december, but his company offered him a temporary post in Abu Dhabi for 2 weeks. So I went back to SGP, he went to UAE, we arranged for the same day to leave. From the island he worked in, we had to take a 5 hour bus ride to Seoul and 1 hour taxi ride to ICN airport. We left the house at 10, to the bus station only to realise the last bus was at 9.30pm, so we ended up taking a taxi which cost him USD$500 but it was claimable.
In the taxi we chatted a little and when we came to the topic of wedding plans, he either didn't answer me, pretend to sleep or tell me to get over the changes. During that time we both knew we had some tension but agreed to try work it out.
We reached the airport at 4am, and he was very grumpy because there was no where comfortable to lie down and it would be another few hours before we could check in. I could go in first because my flight was 9am while his was 10.30am.
After a few days in UAE, he called to say the job would last 2 1/2 months meaning christmas and new year could not be spent with me the second time.. and what was worse, where he was there was internet connection, but skype, msn, yahoo messenger were all banned so we could only call each other, e-mail or chat on facebook. I would e-mail sweet nothings to him, or about my day, or call him or sms him.Sometimes he replies, mostly he doesn't.
I then received an e-mail from someone who only stated "you'd hate this"In the attachment was a facebook inbox conversation between my husband and a girl he used to go after. She said she broke up with her boyfriend, while he bitched about me being difficult to live with, the marriage is failing, and he wants his singlehood so he can get his freedom to do anything he wants. And they couldn't wait to meet up after he gets back. And this was dated 2 weeks after we left Korea and the times stated were his lunch and evening times.
I got very hurt because we didn't argue from the time we left korea, because we agreed to try to make it work, and he said he couldn't call or e-mail me because everyday was busy and he would be very tired.
Then on last monday, a public holiday, he called me, I was shopping in carrefour for some clay thing to clean his bike. He sounded nonchalant even though he was the one who called. It was then that I asked him casually, so how is it being 'single' in UAE, he said he missed me. I started to break down when I told him I knew about the conversation. Then he got angry and said he had all the right to bitch to his friends. I agreed, but this didn't seem like bitching to me, more like insinuating something to happen between him and that girl. He got all defensive and started telling me how hard his work is and I'm still finding fault with him and that I'm ruining his off-day.
In the middle of carrefour I was crying, and the whole wide world looked at me even though I wasn't making any noise except a shakey conversation. He told me he's sick and tired of all this BS, and owes me no explanation and that I'm difficult and he wants to get out of this.
About 3 hours later, he called me back to apologise and say he didn't mean what he said and wanted to work things out. That he loves me and doesn't want the marriage to fail. I just kept quiet, and told him not to yell like that at me again.
Few days later he e-mailed me telling me everything about me that pisses him off, and asked me to tell him what about him pisses me off.. I only replied "How you magnify and exaggerate every little thing you think I do wrong".
These e-mails continued for the next few days, but I would always make it a point to sms him good nite, since I could say it to him face to face. He never replied to any of them. The e-mails were eccentric. One would say how he wants it to work, the other would say i should fault him on things he doesn't think he's done wrong. And how I like to argue over little things, and he will just walk away when I do so because he thinks it's the same kind of arguments. I felt very insecure.
Last night he called and we were talking like acquaintances. Then I told him I couldn't differentiate when he means what he says and when he doesn't. As it was we left Korea with a heavy heart but determined to work it out. Then all he replied was he wants to sleep. I told him he cannot keep doing this, it's escapism. I wanted to trash it all out and really finally let everything go and start working it out without all that past issues. We ended up quarrelling and he insisted we just weren't compatible in character, and it was a mistake. I just couldn't agree because throughout the time we lived together my character never changed and we were ok.So when I finally asked him how can we work it out. His reply, maybe I'm not meant to be married at all. I find you a pain and you pick fights with me. I asked so what's the solution while crying. He only said 'separate'. I couldn't talk anymore and he said he just wants to sleep, so we hung up. Last night was the worst night I ever had even though for the past few days I was already affected by his mails and haven;t been eating/sleeping well.
Since the wedding is 6 mths away, the compensation to the hotel would be $7K, lawyer fees about $5k or more, and from the beginning his mum told him not to add my name to his house. So basically at the end of the day I have a loan to pay, and not working and dumped. He had already planned to go back to Korea after UAE to work meaning he just wants to escape.
I'm at this horrible situation and crossroads, no idea what I've done wrong to him, no idea if he had it all planned. I can't even find a proper word to describe my feelings, except I haven't eaten for a week, I only drink and take my medication and cry.
I'm so lost. I really have no idea what to do, I'm legally bound to him while doesn't seem to take it seriously at all...