ROM vs Traditional Wedding..

blingbride

New Member
Hey guys,

I need some advice, ideas, validation here.. Me and HTB are in the mode of getting married. Initially we had planned to do our customary wedding in Feb 2010, but due to the delay at the HDB side in buying a house, we had to cancel the arrangements and put things on hold till we got our own house. Now, things seem to be dragging on the housing issue as we have some issues pending with HDB. That is gonna take awhile to settle.

Now, we are kinda jammed up, unable to move with the wedding plans as we did not want to marry before we secure a home. It feels so stressful, painful to want each other so much yet unable to move ahead.

I was thinking of doing a ROM first(Initial plan was do ROM together with traditional wedding), at least it's part of the step towards getting married, I become Mrs.X, we are legally husband and wife, considered married to family and friends, etc.. Even if I were to become preggy, it will be kinda legal then an illegitimate pregnancy.. More then anything, would give the both of us the satisfaction of being man and wife..

And I thought we can slowly move with the plans of getting the house settled and the traditional wedding and hope it comes true soon. Both of us come from very traditional, orthodox families and ultimately they are gonna expect us to marry traditionally before being considered man and wife..

I was wondering how the society looks at this, I know it's a modern era, generation differences, etc but how do you guys see it? Anyone here who only did an ROM and living as husband and wife? More importantly had a child together just after ROM?

Cause both of us really want a child together, we are so excited and awaiting. Our concern and worry is that my HTB is not getting younger, he's 36 and me, 24, he's afraid that I may not be able to conceive cos he's old, etc etc and also that he will be much older as our child grows up, thus want a baby asap..

I know I will not have a problem conceiving as he's very strong(*ahem) and I actually had conceived twice before in our 5yrs together.. I do empathise with his feeling of turning old as our kids grow and all, I really wanna start a family with him soon.. Am wondering if it would be ok to conceive after we ROM and before our traditional wedding. I personally wanted to start our family when we had our own home as I wanted to enjoy his company and seeing him day and night, living together, going through the process together.

Even if we ROM now, we would still be and have to stay seperately as my parents' place is very small, I dont even have my own room.. His family on the other hand never accepted me from day 1 and we never get along, thus no chance of moving in with him. I am seriously going nuts. Anyone in similar shoes as me or has any good advice or opinion on what we could do? Thank you soo much people..
 


thommy

New Member
"Both of us come from very traditional, orthodox families and ultimately they are gonna expect us to marry traditionally before being considered man and wife.."

Based on this sentence of yours Lya, you sure you can get pregnant after you just ROMed and before your customary wedding? I doubt so cos those older generations still believe very much that as long as your customary is not over, you are still not married even though you have already gone thru ROM.

I have friends who just ROMed only without throwing banquet or going thru customary and they are perfectly fine with that. Have to check with your parents first though if you intend to do that, cos not every parent will agree.

One option wld be to rent a place temporarily if you two really must stay together after ROM and before getting your house. If you ROM now, are your parents and his open to the idea of staying apart till you get your own house? That's another point to consider. For me, it was a NO so I had no choice but to get my house asap so that after my customary, I can move in immediately.
 

cuclainne

New Member
Lya, I did my ROM first with my AD a few months later. At the time of my AD, i was a few weeks' pregnant but legally husband and wife already so nothing much people can say.
 

blingbride

New Member
Thomas,

That is our intention too, to move in right after our customary wedding.. That just seems like the right thing to do you know.. and you are right bout the parents accepting part. But the both of us are more like, what we do with our lives is more important then what others think.. but the thing Im most uneasy about is that we do not have a house to be in yet and getting pregnant and living seperately would suck. Renting a place is gonna be an expensive option as we are merely paying for a place that's not ours and there's no commitment upon that place.. not like cpf contribution or something where our money goes into our own house you know what I mean? Haiz..

Cuc,

Yea nobody would have much to say, it's your personal life.. that is what we would have to do as well, ROM then AD few months later when things have settled.. In fact both of us are prepared to hold the customary anytime.. most of the preparations and deposits are done, it's only the house that is such a big obstacle.. Hopefully HDB gives us some benefits and all goes well...
 

thommy

New Member
yes, I can understand that part. What you do is one thing, but can you accept your relatives and others if they gossip abt this behind your back? If you really wish to get pregnant asap, you need all the support from your hubby that you can get. Being pregnant alone w/o him by your side can be a scary thought...

Renting is not cheap I know, it shld be a last resort if you really can't work things out. We did toy with the idea initially too before we bought our house but gave up in the end cos not worth it like what you said.

Have you tried getting his parents to accept you? Its really damn sad if on your AD, they still do not accept you as part of their family. One of my lady friends was in a similar situation like yours too, her hubby's parents nvr liked her from day 1 cos they feel she's not good enough for their son. Even told her they will not be present on their wedding day. Imagine how hurt she must have felt when she heard that. However, the surprising part was, I went to her wedding that day and both his parents were there. I guess they finally changed their minds about her so you can say every cloud has a silver lining, just try harder to get them to accept you
happy.gif
 

blingbride

New Member
Well, from the start I have been trying.. They cant accept me cos Im a divorcee and I have a son from my first marriage. My HTB is extremely supportive.. He had been rebelling against them and stayed with me all this years.. They are slowly starting to realise that he will not budge, wont leave me so have started asking what's our wedding plans and such but that is just in the context that they want to be around for their son, not accepting me. HTB is trying his best to get them to be around for our wedding, he knows how sentimental and sensitive I am about it.. It's because he's such a wonderful supportive Hubby that I want him around all the time with me if I were to get pregnant. Perhaps I should refrain from getting pregnant and go ahead with an ROM for both our satisfaction.. Jus in the meantime of waiting and settling our pending issues.
 

powder

Active Member
Lya,

i would have actually tried to secure a 6-12mth lease of a simple studio and continued with the wedding...
 

blingbride

New Member
That was super sweet of you Thomas, to go to the trouble of finding me a thread.. I really appreciate your concern.. You made my day! Haha!
 

blingbride

New Member
Powder,

That's similar to renting a house rite.. Any idea how much cost for rental it would incur? Do you happen to have any contacts in hand?
 

powder

Active Member
if it's just the 2 of u, then a stuido or 1-bedroom is enough... anything from 1k-3k depending on your requirements... u can rent a HDB MBR if u want too... there's just too many variety for me to give anything specific.

just take rental as an option... if it's fine with both of u, then u can explore this with a real estate agent.
 

flyingstar

New Member
i would think that you should just get customary married and then rent. meanwhile sort out the house issue.

but how long do you think you need to settle the house? if you are looking at resale you probably take like 6 months? if you are looking at BTO, then no need to say already...

renting will solve a lot of problems on being apart, getting married, etc. and it also gives you both a chance to live like husband and wife and your husband can be around when you are pregnant.

don't let getting hdb be the main obstacle to getting married. nowadays it is getting more and more difficult to acheive the "have a house before married" goal with the high resale prices and the wait for BTO. i hope you can look beyond the hdb and then anticipate the kind of life you wish on your marriage with your husband. if you want to wait, then you must decide, do you want your husband to be even older before you give birth?

as for parents' blessing, i think in the end they will come round to it and accept you. especially when the both of you marry and you give them a grandson/grand-daughter of their own. but you must be prepared that they may not want to accept your son from the previous marriage. it is a bit complicated but take things 1 step at a time.

in other words, i think you should just get married, both ROM and customary. Since you have already made all preps so there's no point in delaying.
 

thommy

New Member
yeah perhaps u shld just try and find a cheap place to rent and stay for the time being first, dun buy resale now cos the COV now is madness. Once u start a family, u need every cent that u can save.
 

blingbride

New Member
Thank you for your advices guys.. I always felt that being in a rental unit is not as satisfying as living in a home of your own.. Especially when you've got memories to keep like pregnancy, kids and stuff.. I just started working so I dont have a fantastic paycheck. Our combined income would make it kinda difficult to afford a family and a rental unit. It's not as if we can use our CPF to pay and top up with cash or anything but cold card cash and that is really unaffordable. I still believe and feel in a rather traditional way of starting a new family in a home of our own..
 

blingbride

New Member
Anyone that of you or people that you know ROMed and stayed in a rented unit, started a family in the meanwhile of applying for a BTO flat? That long 3-4 years wait?
 

powder

Active Member
ok, if it's finances then we shall put a fullstop to this option without exploring further. let's assume we cannot afford to rent, before we explore the possibility of renting... it's a very sporean way anyway - self-defeating before trying...

may all be in the mind then...

i would like to address this in a generic way, not just to u but to many many sporeans out there...

i think Most of the time - we Screw ourselves. and we continually screw ourselves becos we want something in only 1 way, 1 package, and no other way...

our pre-conceived notions, wants, preferences are held too tightly without compromise sometimes... and we inconvenience ourselves, close frens, loved ones etc etc - just to achieve this 'ideal' which isn't very ideal in the first place.

i'm seeing more complaints nowadays... abt how pple cannot start family before they have their own HDB... this is really weird and all in the mind... thousands of pple rent and can still make babies and raise kids... why some can't? isit the HDB's fault? isit Gov fault?

there's options in life which we should at least explore...
 

cuclainne

New Member
Lya, my husband arrived in Sg about three weeks prior to our ROM - by then I had already rented an apartment for us to stay in. We ROM first, also on suggestion by my mom, since she didn't want my husband to stay at the rented apartment by himself until the AD.

Four years on, i'm on my third rental and have two children .. to me, home is where my family is so i'm content with where i am right now
happy.gif
 

blingbride

New Member
Powder,

As much as there's frustration in your words, it's TRUE. I feel the pinch myself. I am like that, one way or no way. Perhaps the beautiful picture painted in our minds is so important for us to realise that we do not want alternative methods.

In my case, the options are either, explore the renting alternative or simply hold on to things and wait while things get moving... Oh......


But I will definitely explore this option though. I always do some research, weigh pros and cons before taking or dropping the idea. Should it happen to possibly fit into our budget, I could consider taking it to the next level or if it's seriously out of the talk, then no choice...
 

blingbride

New Member
Cuc,

Thank you so much for your contribution. Im beginning to see different perspectives in here.. But I think the biggest difference and hindering cause would be finances.. How could one go into rental without having suitable finances.. It's wiser to hold on and wait till things settle properly before stepping in right, rather then making a brave move that might not be practical on a case by case basis...
 

powder

Active Member
YES pls... at least explore... i didn't know someone suggested rental liao, it was my 1st thought too... if u Never thought abt it, u should think abt Why u dun think abt it.

Life offers options and will always do... yet in spore we often tell pple we have "no choice"... - do u get wat i'm trying to say?

Once u figure this out, u would be able to solve more and more obstacles in life and keep solving them, giving focus Only to the important things...

local pple are farrrr too stuck on trivial stuff. let me share with u 2 simple solutions for the 2 most common issues...

need money - earn more money
need a job - apply for a job

easy rite? u'll be surprised how many thousands of pple choose NOT TO, and instead... wait for their ideals...
 

powder

Active Member
well Lya, when i was poorer... i rented a semi-d with 5rooms at 3k... i relet out the other 4 rooms at $600 each and stayed in the biggest master bedroom (size of a 3rm HDB). - cost me $600 a month.

if i had rented them out at $700 (x4 = 2.8k), i would only need to pay $200. if i rent out at $800 (x4 = 3.2k), i would earned $200.

i bet u there are Far-Smarter pple out there who dun even think of simple solutions like that. and they spend far more money chasing ideals... then they are the same ones who complain they not enough money to do this do that...

sometimes simple solutions save u time, money, and headaches... dun have to be complicated in life.

oh oh, i get to have sex before the sex-craved couples who are holding their sex until their house comes... (just kiddin)
 

powder

Active Member
haha just comparing with those who need to wait for their own home to do anything... obviously pple dun wait anymore.... haha
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
"I know I will not have a problem conceiving as he's very strong(*ahem) and I actually had conceived twice before in our 5yrs together."

Lya, what's happened to your two pregnancies?
 

its_fate

Active Member
Lya - Pardon me for being kpo.. It does show that there may be problem to have recurrent miscarriage.. Do consult a gynaecologist.

On the other hand, IF you undergo abortion for these two pregancies, Do take care. The phyical and emotional pain you have gone through..

On top of these, do take "precautions" IF you have no intention to start a family yet before you solve your issues..
 

blingbride

New Member
Yea thanks for the concern Iris,

Actually it was not exactly a natural miscarriage but self-induced one as I knew for sure we cant keep the baby now.. And it happened in a gap of 2 years.. Since the second time we have seriously been taking precautions cause we realised we were too compatible biologically as the only 2 times that we didnt take precautions were the times that I got preggy, thats why I dont doubt my conceiving chances due to his age,etc..
 

susanna_low

New Member
"exactly a natural miscarriage but self-induced one as I knew for sure we cant keep the baby now"

Abortion and miscarriage are 2 totally different issues.
 
Lya,

"Anyone that of you or people that you know ROMed and stayed in a rented unit, started a family in the meanwhile of applying for a BTO flat? That long 3-4 years wait?"

Me! *Put up hand*

I've renting a big master bedroom of a maisonnette house for a year now after my ROM+Customary. It isn't as expensive as you thought. The owner wanted $750 per month but I managed to negotiate it down to $600 per month hehe. Other common rooms are asking for $550.

Even if you have your own house now, please take note that you still have to fork out few hundreds dollars monthly to pay for electricity bill, gas bill, conservation fee, phone bill etc. And you have to pay for property tax, fire insurance, home protection scheme, aircon servicing etc on a yearly basis.

After renting, I save $170 on my cab fares and hubby save $200 on petrol. Rent already factors in utility bills. So it's as if we are only incurring expense of $80 for renting, it's cheap!
happy.gif
My belief is "no matter what situation happens to us in life, we have to make the best out of it'.

Now my hb & I are waiting to get the keys of my resale house. We didn't take a single cent from our parents for our wedding and house. We feel happy overcoming the obstacles step by step on our own credits.
 
Our 2nd house (BTO) will be completed in 2.5 years time.

Of course, my hb & I face our share of stress sometimes but the important thing is not to give up!

Instead of wanting everything (wedding, honeymoon, house, baby) to happen immediately, why not achieve them step by step with a plan?
 

rachel83

New Member
Agree with Green.

You have to plan your finance properly. Here's what I did.

I ROM in 2007 Feb.
Plan for a house, bought a house in 2007 Aug. Renovate, move in Feb 2008.

Traditionally wedding Jan 2010, which just happen a few weeks ago. Cos I wanted something grand and nice. I hate depending on others, which is why I took time to save and plan for everything slowly.

But I do not have worries about having babies, as I still do not want to have 1. We went for a short holidays after wedding. I have yet to plan for honeymoon.

But to do 1 time at a time, you are in better control of your finance.

Anyway, its 2010, and since your bf is 36, I don't see anything wrong with having a baby before you hold your traditional wedding. I have a friend who ROM due to shot-gun have a baby. Plan and save and hold their traditional wedding 2years later after the baby was born.
 

blingbride

New Member
Thank you Green and Code,

Well, we are looking at the option to rent a unit seriously. Studio apartments are kinda tricky to find and my next choice would be an entire 3room unit but it's gonna be quite hefty.. Im contemplating the thought of renting an entire 3room unit and sub-letting one room to a single professional who rarely stays in.. so as to divide the rental cost and for more privacy.

As I said we intend to stay under rent for at least 2-3yrs should we go for BTO and we cant live off in a single room under the same roof with a bunch of strangers. I need privacy!! Now we are frantically in search of a reasonable unit and trying to get this sorted out so that once we have secured a unit, next step is to go ahead with the wedding plans! Wish us good luck and if any of you peeps here have any contacts on such units kindly intro.. Thank you soo much!
 

powder

Active Member
Lya,

u should also consider Landed... it's just as cheap to rent and allows more privacy becos the rooms are generally MUCH bigger with attached toilets... so u can have a fridge, tv, pantry n basically a hotel-like setup in a room, then lease out the other rooms. u can also pick out those properties which has 1 room per level etc... u never really need to go downstairs to common area but if u pple are frens, it's nice to gather. i lived this way for awhile and it was actually quite good... i guess it's similar to how those of us live overseas during our study years...
 

blingbride

New Member
Powder,

But landed property room rental.. how much are these generally? I dont seem to find much like that.. Could I trouble you to give me some ideas or tip-offs?
 

thommy

New Member
from what I last asked last yr, generally 3-room rental units were going for ard 1.7k to 1.8k per month. Can use this as a rough gauge when u go hunting for ur unit.
 

blingbride

New Member
We went to view a unit at a private apartment. Master room at $900, place looks terrible. I was kinda lured by the agent to view, he said different things on the ph and in person. Got so fed up!! Anyway both of us agreed we will NEVER take up something like that and waste our money on ruins!
 

powder

Active Member
Lya,

not asking u to rent rooms of landed. am suggesting Landed as an alternative... u have to see my post above... which i copy n past below for your reference.

-"well Lya, when i was poorer... i rented a semi-d with 5rooms at 3k... i relet out the other 4 rooms at $600 each and stayed in the biggest master bedroom (size of a 3rm HDB). - cost me $600 a month.

if i had rented them out at $700 (x4 = 2.8k), i would only need to pay $200. if i rent out at $800 (x4 = 3.2k), i would earned $200."
 

blingbride

New Member
Oh yea, saw that part... but how do you go about it? Initially itself you got tenants in or at a later stage cos to be on the safe side financially, I wanna get myself sorted with the extra tenants, dont wanna end up paying so much just for ourselves.. sorry Im going on and on.. am alien on this whole thing, would do good with guidance...
 

powder

Active Member
i found couples who wanted to move out and co-habit like me... i think it's kinda similar to searching accomodation uni...
 

blingbride

New Member
Hmm... interesting.. I shall source out.. Hopefully I manage to achieve what you did. Takes time I guess. Any good ways to find the right kinda ppl to rent out? Im seriously afraid of living in with total strangers. There's the pros and cons...right? From your experience, what was the things you faced and the good and bad Powder? It would be useful to me..
 
Lya,

We are only at home at night, and all of us (tenants) will be staying inside our own rooms. After a few hours of watching TV, we will be sleeping liao.

Don't scare yourself ;)
 

blingbride

New Member
But you know, the nights and the weekends are important right.. especially when you are getting close and intimate.. maybe I think too far and deep into things but these are times where you need privacy and seclusion.. cos we can be kinda loud, me especially! lol.. and at times when we can argue, be noisy and stuff.. these are to be considered too right.. that's why Im afraid of being with strangers, and that too with ones that are living in the same house with you, gotta see their face every other day, paise right...
 

powder

Active Member
well for me i just network around and found acquiantances/frens with similar thoughts... they dun all have to be couples, can be single also mah... i have frens who did the same. end of the day it's your resourcefulness from trying to fulfill your need.

Or if that's too heavy for u, then just find a 2-3br and share with another couple... for rentals - the bigger the place and rooms, the lesser your outlay...
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Actually little layout is good. The lesser you have, the easier to maintain. Just the essentials can liao. Bed, washer, cabinet etc. Afterall you just need the shelter to sleep, bath and wash.
 

blingbride

New Member
I shall update you guys as I progress on this.. Thank you all for your assistance and ideas.. Meanwhile, do keep pouring in experiences, ideas or contacts so that it may aid others too.. Have a great day!
 



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