Repeated infidelity - needs help, divorce

[bbchic]

Hi Peeps...
I juz felt to vent my frustration..married for 8.5 yrs..with 3 lovely kids between us..

my hubby cheated on me repeatedly..with most of the time girls working in pubs..i lost count...one local, 1 filipina, 1 thai, a couple of china pros..and the recent one..1 china prostitute whom he moved out to stay with for the past 3 months...he haf given me the excuse that he was working as a runner to clear his debts..

everytime got caught...we went through cryin, screaming chasing him out of the house...he will make me beautiful promises..and ask me to think of the kids...as they adore him..

this time round is severe...kids are sick..he dun even care...we haf no money to eat..ah long coming up the house..he didn't care..

he shaved his pubic hair...total clean...and say he did it as it was hot&itchy...but how i it possible dat he can shave soooo clean..

when confront..as i secretly saw the sms...between him & the china pros...they were romantically linked...and address each other as husband & wife...

besides ah long..he haf police coming up the house to look for him..for unpaid summons..and also likely another commercial offence which he dun seem to care..

i spoke to him the past 3 days during the short hours he's home about divorce...he efused to...despite telling him i know the girl exist..he insisted not...till this morning...she sms him...he still deny...

i am not financially sound..neither is he...the family juz found out about all his wrong doings...and they think dat he need a psychiatrist...and he seem to not be remorseful...but is willing to go..while we compiled his debts into a spreadsheet.

he came from a broken family where his dad brought him to KTV when young..and also to see all his mistresses...

this posting is without malice...i already found the strength to move on...despite the 8 yrs of misery..the tears i shed for him every few months...he begged his mum..as in kneel down...to beg for 2k..saying its for me & kids..while staying wif the mistress...and nothing goes to me...

i am a working professional he's a society scumbag...

advice needed & to hear from you guys..

1) How can a man behave this way? Is he escaping to another haven..
2) do you think he is sick in the brain
3) should i file for divorce..how strong is the case knowing that I dun have evidence of adultry...only sms from the girl..(put a fake guys name)
4) I dun wan to see him go jail...but half his family felt that i should be with him throughout his "psychiatric treatments"...but that's coz they were not there when i suffered alone miserably...
5) why is he still defending the girl...he rented a place to stay wif her...but she is a prostitue...

 

[infojunkie]

1) that's his problem...
2) that's his problem...
3) divorce him without citing adultery.
4) that's his problem...
5) that's his problem...

pls stay strong for ur kids.

 

[margret]

simply put it, he loves that women more than your family. U are just a walking atm for him.

 

[cuclainne]

i don't understand why people always use the same old excuse of coming from a broken family as if that will excuse their bad/poor behaviour ..

 

[wildcarde]

Some short answers to your immediate questions.

1. Likely it is an avenue of escape in the form of substitution.

2. Quite frankly, you need not be concerned with this, in order to move on.

3. Divorce is always a last option to be used but in your case, it would appear for the interest of the children and your last vestiges of sanity. You can probably cite irreconcilable differences.

4. Truthfully, there are always consequences to our actions. He needs to learn that.

5. She provides him with a form of escape and probably strokes his ego at the same time.

After the above, I think it would probably be prudent to "manage your end game". You need to consider the following in a realistic fashion :

1. Ability to support a family as a single parent.

a. Are you able to "tap" on help from your immediate family e.g. Mom, Dad, siblings?

b. Do you have the necessary funds to do so? Divorce, Housing, Food, Basic Necessities.

If not, if separation an option? It would help to ensure the safety of your kids and yourself.

2. What do you expect out of the Divorce? It sounds like he cannot really provide in any shape or form.

3. How do you handle the emotional aspect for your kids? You would need to ensure that they understand that this is not their fault and why this is happening from an objective point of view.

I would suggest that you make an appointment with the nearest Family Service Centre to see what options are available for you.

This is a link for you to locate the closest one :

http://www.google.com.sg/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=8&ved=0CGwQFjAH&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ncss.org.sg%2Fdocuments%2FList%2520of%2520FSCs.doc&rct=j&q=Family%20Service%20Centre&ei=6TKVTbixAYbWvQOE__2ADA&usg=AFQjCNELmtzNDx9q22S88I_N17KfXhGvAg&sig2=KQaFKeqFlhRN-azF7-5xJQ&cad=rja

 

[miloice]

"advice needed & to hear from you guys..

1) How can a man behave this way? Is he escaping to another haven..
2) do you think he is sick in the brain
3) should i file for divorce..how strong is the case knowing that I dun have evidence of adultry...only sms from the girl..(put a fake guys name)
4) I dun wan to see him go jail...but half his family felt that i should be with him throughout his "psychiatric treatments"...but that's coz they were not there when i suffered alone miserably...
5) why is he still defending the girl...he rented a place to stay wif her...but she is a prostitue..."

Ask yourself, do you REALLY need answers to these questions? Your focus should be ahead not behind. This guy totally self destruct. All kinds of folks exists. You do not value add spending all your time coming up with an in-depth on his screw-up life and mentality.

You can divorce him under grounds of unreasonable behavior. If u need evidence of adultery, get a PI to gather them.

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Yeap. Agreed with milo. No further answers needed for his behavior. Just move on for your own sake. Seeking answers will not be the solution for your future isn't it?

Best of luck to you my dear.

 

[bbchic]

Hi Peeps,

thanks for all the replies...I know I already know what to do moving forward..

juz dat women always look for a closure...does it make me feel better if I know...? I also dunno...but then its easier to explain..why to my kids..and my frens..

I am only afraid that he dun wan to give me 100% of the property...which also mean whateva CPF he haf contributed...

wildcarde,
no...there's no way he can support me anymore...with the amount of debts that he chalked up...and if he wans to repay and stand up himself...he wun be able to contribute...


do i have help....hmm..I think i haf v supportive frens & relatives...emotionally...financially...will be as tough with or without him

 

[miloice]

Don't seek closure from external. It is within u that matters. People change. Spending all the time till cow comes home isn't going give you all the answers. In life, everything is dramatic and not in a controlled environment where you can measure and quantify and find answers within that lab condition.

 

[eddie77]

I would say leave him. Since he is unfaithful and is unrepentant, there's no point continuing with him. Why continue to suffer? Go for divorce.

 

[bbchic]

Hi all,

he sent me a long long message...asking me to take him back...we had dinner at my mums place...came home..as usual..i want my closure....he changed his phone today...and after dat...i still see the prostitue smsing him lovey dovey sms....

he refused to let me see...we got into a huge fight...and he say...ok...this is how it should end...you wan a divorce right...i agree...

i finally escape from the claws...at that moment..there was no more sadness...only to calm my dotter down...as she was freaked out by our fights..

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Hi Fallen, its good tat u finally had enough n decided to move on more positively with ur life. I believe tat u have the ability to guide ur chldn to be good pple n have stronger happier marriages in future.

Since u said it has been countless times tat he has had affairs outside, then it is clear tat he doesnt respect u, ur marriage or care about the family. So there is no need to feel sad over a man likdat. Wish u the best of strength n a smooth divorce settlement.

 

[powder]

when u buy an umbrella to walk in a rainstorm, u dun have to ask why u are wet.

if my gfren is a prostitute, i dun think i need to count everytime she sleeps, and decide it is repeated infidelity....

have u ever thought that u guys were married not becos of love? and if that is so, then u have your obvious answer and closure.... fathering children with a woman doesn't mean u love the woman not the kids... it means u had sex without condom, amd 3 times the egg was fertilised.

 

[bbchic]

Hi Evon, thanks...

Hi Powder,
I think your words are very true....we did haf 2 good years together...with lotsa love dats why I was willing to marry him. I was not short of suitors back then...

I can't help but to think that he is trying to villianised me now...to make it seemed that I am the one ditching him at his lowest, when he is jobless, no money and insane!!...his family is worried sick...and think that he requires proffessional help..which i also agreed..but they also kinda think that the responsibility should be on my shoulder to keep him in the "check"...

he is driving me nuts!!....



the latest drama...
he OD on panadol and brought himself in to SGH..while waiting for the bloodtest and speaking to a psychiatrist, he absconded from the hospital.

the recent episode also include:

1) running away from responsibility like debts & bills
2) not taking up solutions given.
3) blatantly showing the photo of himself & mistress to my maid when he was having dinner wif her in my mum's place
4) bringing "her" clothes back home to wash
5) bringing cutlery in pairs out of the house
6) buying a pool table while he already haf no money
7) borrowed 4k from my fren and gambled 2k away the next day at tampines SAFRA machine slot..

 

[bbchic]

powder,
i read up alot on Bipolar disorder and narcisstic personality disorder..they cannot love because they haf no capcity to...feel for the other person..however they are master manupilator..who wans people to love them..and thus the reason is to charm the person with all their means till victims are "addicted" to them...

so what you haf analysed may be true about..its is not LOVE...it could only be him charming me..and i LOVED him...

I seriously dunno whats the legal implications...i juz noe that if this continues...I will die earlier than him...and now that he has nothing to lose...he wun mind risking his life to bring me down..

 

[leibit]

Hi fallen, my ex-spouse was just like ur hb. Drove me nuts back then with his numerous suicide and pretended overdose attempts. Together w his repeated infidelity, I told myself, enough is enough, if I dun care about my own well-being, who will? Now I'm happily settled w my child, he still has his access to our child. But at least, I get my sanity back, dun need to tend to such a big oppressive kid with narcisstic personality disorder. Drama papa, I would say him. I prefer serenity and harmony

You'll get urs too

Cheerios!

 

[eagerbride01]

men are sick sometimes!!=[