Regret choosing him, but too late

[ariebeth]

cowcow: regarding adopting his hobby...

at the start of the r/s I would get angry all the time. why does he continually sit in front of the computer playing his stupid game non-stop? i'd keep nagging and nagging him to get off the computer and that would cause a lot of unpleasantness.

change strategy. i decided that if ya can't beat them, join them. so i asked him to teach me how to play the game. wahhh so fun, now i know why he's glued to the computer haha!

fast-forward to now, 5 yrs later, 2 computers set up in our room side-by-side, playing world of warcraft together lol

 

[tomasulu]

cow n AB your situations are irrelevant at best and potentially misleading. sarah's boy has deeper issues than his love for computer games.

 

[vios]

Ok Sarah... he might be the most faithful guy in the world... well of course, since there is a freaking high likelihood that he goes back home after work and just play games? that is, if he uses the brain to this minimum.

honestly, i could foresee that you would be one of those women who spread all the bills across the table and having a hard time to decide the ones to pay off first. i could also foresee that you would have to nag at him to find a job after work, and witness the huge mess left in the kitchen sink.
At least, there would be some communication, but only in the fiery form.

gals like Sarah are simply blinded by love... fair enough, they tried to communicate nicely with the fiance.. nothing works.
subconciously, they reassure themselves that all turn out better after marriage. worst still, they declare themselves "too old to be left on the shelves", "too old to date again", "too paiseh to cancel the wedding" etc...

to me - if the guy still don't want to get it after some serious talks (re. his attitude and life in general), therein lies the alarm bells liao.

 

[simpleman]

I don't think that playing games all day cannot be changed.

When I was younger, I play computer games all day - sometimes 72 hours in a row.. do nothing.. and can play for weeks and weeks.. without doing anything else..

But I was still single then.. so it is OK. When you decide to get married.. you will need to re-prioritize your life.. playing game should slide down on the list of priority.. still can play but must be discipline..

 

[ariebeth]

@ tomasulu: paiseh, reading cowcow's reply brought up some memories and i digressed

but yes, you are right to advice her to remove those external factors out of the equation.

@ sarah:
You might notice from reading other threads that there is a running theme amongst most of them.. people are most affected by how they are viewed by others, followed by $ - for the flat, for the wedding dinner... deposits that have already been made. Don't be caught up by your age (28 is not old, come on), or the 3 yr relationship. What is 3 years, compared to the rest of your life?

The things he does before marraige will be what he continues to do after marraige. Don't expect him to change, or that things will improve.

 

[green_tranquility]

AB,
"You might notice from reading other threads that there is a running theme amongst most of them.. people are most affected by how they are viewed by others, followed by $ - for the flat, for the wedding dinner... deposits that have already been made. "

Good summary

 

[mark78]

There are ppl who divorce even at age 50s. well 28.. sure is very old. and i guess u wasted 3 years liao and you will not have any guys want you liao

Is it better for be unwanted by guys then to suffer in the hands of the wrong guys.

 

[mypellia]

According to recent survey. The age group for ladies to get married has shifted upwards. Also, more men are willing to accept women older than men.

3 years of relationship is just a span of time. How much quality time spent is another question. How much both of you share, communicate. How strong is your relationship built up? 3 yrs minus off the weekdays, sleep time, etc etc. The amount of time both of your shared may be 1.5 - 2 yrs or lesser?

Give yourself time, try not to rush into marriage if you are not comfortable. Think about it Sarah.

 

[rubbishcow]

Hmm... some how i feel that TS won't be affected by what we had said and will proceed as planned.. She only need a space to let out her frustration.

Just put it this way, that his hot temper, MCP and laziness are what you had fallen in love with 3 years ago, will you be able to live with it for the rest of your life? There are lotsa reminders needed to alter the character traits. I am hot tempered as well.. and my fiance will remind me whne my face turn color. I ever face black throughout the whole dinner with his friend because we quarrel.

Meiling, if your fiance is as hot tempered as me, you will have to be patient and rationale to tell him his fault. Be prepared to repeat time and again in order to make him realise that.

As for MCP and laziness, MCP can be good it shows that his pride will not let you go hungry. His laziness showed that he is more relax and is able to relax himself. If he is not lazy or relax enough, wont he flare up even easier?

There is no ideal life in this world. If you paint a very good picture of what you will be getting, you will be even more disappointed when it did not happen. Probably you wana give yourself a break to reward your hard work?

 

[lovingyou]

I guess, 3 yrs as compared to a lifetime of happiness, the risk seems smaller in that sense. One of the good ways to make a gd decision might be that you have to calm yourself down and ask your inner self if he is really the right person whom you want to live with... if the person is the one who you are looking for. Sarah, time is always needed to understand a person well and of course I can understand what u mean by it is tiring to start all over again, but again, the right person might jus be around the corner. Think about it, give yourself more time to assess the situation, at times, one event/one kind word might makes us think otherwise/reveal a person's character.

 

[rubbishcow]

sarah (sorry think i typed teh wrong name just now), men will never grow up even when they are an old man.

My dad is hot tempered, MCP and lazy (to do housework). Mum was married to him for near 30 years and they are still together as she had accepted him for who he is.

My fiance is also a BIG BIG procrestinator. He never do anything when we plan for trips or even now, wedding. Even the news have to be said by me to his mum. *fainted* If he is a procrestinator, i will use my kiasuism to cover his short fall. I am sure there are traits which you do not have and your fiance have and that can cover you as well.

@AB, side track abit arh... I also learnt how to build gundams and transform transformers due to fiance influence!! Funniest thing now is..... if he make me angry or bore me at home, I will threaten to play with the toys and he will give in. Reason being... I am too rough to handle the delicate parts in the toys and will spoil them..

 

[miloice]

its not correct to say people do not change. We can change. But, it has to come from within. No one else can change us if we don't want and believe that its needed.

Just hoping to change is no better than hoping to strike 4D. i.e. u r only waiting for fate to unfold like a punter hoping for a underdog win. If u want change, u must be proactive and involved in the change. Give him the wake up call. We cannot predict the outcome but we can work towards our goals. Its hopeless to just hope.

 

[powder]

cow cow,

MCP = Male Chauvinist(ic) Pig... it has Nothing to do with generic Pride or Ego, but rather an attitude towards the female as being inferior and less competent by virtue of Gender. - means u will go hungry cos men need to eat first, women get the leftovers... THAT'S MCP. not "his pride will not let you go hungry."

i also have to rebutt that Laziness and Relaxed are different. laidback perhaps... lazy means u're not bothered, it means u're not driven, not motivated... what's the point of being lazy & relaxed when nothing is happening? i dun see how that is anything to compliment... if someone is Too lazy to flare up at u, it's a good thing?

i guess if one is in denial, they'd like to sweeten the bitter stuff.

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, the MCPs wana have the final say in every decision. Their pride or ego are probably too huge to lose to a female. I believe MCPs, will definately not want their female to be more successful then them?

TS was saying that her fiance never apologise whenever they quarrel. This is one example of his huge ego and pride that he will not bow to a female and accept defeat.

There are differnt ways to look at things. My previous illustration was the optimistic version of how things can be different for the TS. You can say that I like to sweeten the bitter stuff. They had been together for 3 years and these character traits had been with her fiance for 30 years. For that 3 years, she should have known understand him for who he is. Why only regret when you are about to get married?

 

[miloice]

MCP could mean different things. e.g. difficulty to accept the fact they wife is earning more. How each respond would make a diff.

If he becomes more motivated to catch up, its not really a bad thing. But, if he becomes sour and resentful and start trying to bring her down, then this guy is a childish loser. Not just MCP. I see MCP as a need to feel dominant and superior in the relationship.

"TS was saying that her fiance never apologise whenever they quarrel"

That has something to do with his failure to cope with his own insecurity and pride. And total lack of EQ to see anything beyond his little sensitive ego.

 

[nayuqi]

Hi Sarah, I can see the traits of my HB in ur BF. We had ROMed already, and waiting for our customary wedding next year, so not staying together yet.

He is MCP, Hot-temper, Lazy to do housework, Lazy to pay fines, not a husband material, bad habits & many more.. In fact when my girlfriends asked me.. y did i choose him. How did i know he is the one. I could tell them many bad traits of him. I even told him, i dont think got other girls can tahan his rubbish. Hee

In fact, He will say he wana do something, but dilly dally until maybe few months down the road, the thing is not done yet also. Hee. Super procrastinator lor! So far, all our overseas trip, wedding items, house research are all done by me. Even though I often nag about it, but i do feel good doing them too. Coz i trust myself to do a better job than him. I always tell him, "haiz, in future my life sure v cham, have to clean this clean that" hee. He will get the hint, and help me for a while, then back to normal. Actually im already grateful that he is willing to help (a bit, and i really mean a bit) when i request (or rather nags) hee.

At times, I have also felt that his parents didnt brought him up well, but who are we to comment on that. We are not even parents yet. And there might be so many possibilities that have resulted in his upbringing.

In the past he was also addicted to online gamings too. And we spend almost all our weekends leveling up. In fact, I gave up my character to shared a character with him, so that we can take turns to play and level up faster. Ive also nagged at him often for playing too much and never bring me out. Now, we have both stopped the game already. So it is not impossible for a guy to stop gaming entirely.

All in all, I learn to accept him for who he is. I can also see that he is slowly improving. Even though I am the one doing all the planning, and arranging, but he will follow with me to meet all the Photographers, Bridal Studios, Wedding Venues when i request. He is willing to spend all his free time with me. He is willing to spend time with my family. He can mingle well with my family (which i see it as an important trait). He treats me well, and i believe he will take good care of me.

Theres no perfect guy, even though he is MCP, im i am willing to be the little (yet clever) woman behind him.
Even though he is hot-temper, I dont mind waiting for him to cease his temper before telling him what went wrong. Im glad his temper is hot but blows off quickly too, and im mild temper mostly.
Even though he is lazy to do housework, pay fines, organize things etc, I dont mind doing it, its my arena of control, which allows me to show off my capability.

It really depends on whether you can accept such a guy or not. What he lacks in, I am willing to accommodate, or i feel that i can make up the pieces. It may be more tiring, but every couple have their own issues, and it is endless if one keeps comparing why cant i have a bf/hb who is willing to do this this this and this for me.

 

[powder]

(milo / cow cow)

i think u guys should get a proper definition of MCP FIRST, before using your own ideas of what the definition means... can try encarta or wikipedia.

it's more on sexism/discrimination/stereotyping... but your ideas are more rooted towards egoism/pride.

it's good to look at the bright side of things and i encourage that. But not when u change the meaning of something totally to lie to yourself and deny the truth behind things.

sori, arguments kinda no-go with me. very weak.

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, not arguing with you. Because we are looking at things differently. Yes, you are right. MCP = sexism/discrimination/stereotyping and you can find this kinda MCP in middle east. I believe there are tons of them there.

Maybe we need Sarah to share what is the MCP portion of her fiance?

 

[miloice]

hi powder, MCP got proper definition somemore. LOL. I'm truly amazed

 

[powder]

cow cow, it's not "look at things differently". there's nothing to argue. it's either she knows the definition, or her definition is wrong along with both of u. it's really lame for u to think the term is different in the middle-east. is yours a spore term? give me a link pls...

yes Milo, MCP has a definition, it did not originate from spore schools.

As the definitions have been there for Years and linked more to Sexism/Stereotyping/Marginising rather than Ego/Pride, i dun even see any reason to be stating based on both your definitions which have been misconstrued and confused with Ego/Pride.

this is something that isn't abt Your definitions versus My definitions. there IS already an existing definition. there's nothing to be amazed... google or wikipedia it...

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, i think you got me wrong about arguing. Also, I DID NOT say that the term is different for middle east and SG.

male chauvinist 
Use male chauvinist in a Sentence
–noun a male who patronizes, disparages, or otherwise denigrates females in the belief that they are inferior to males and thus deserving of less than equal treatment or benefit.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Origin:
1965–70

It is linked to ego and pride is because MCPs are usually egoistic which allow them to belittle women. Maybe i had placed my words wrongly which gave you the wrong idea. i should probably say, chauvinist, egoistic man instead of saying that "MCP can be good it shows that his pride will not let you go hungry".

For "chauvinist", they are usually link to the word "egoistic" in most description as "chauvinist" have high ego. It comes in a package for most. You may wana google the 2 words together?

Like i said we are looking at things differently because firstly, we are born in different era which i may not understand things the way you do. secondly, everyone have their perceptions. Even when you read story books or history books, the same things may be written or understood in different ways due to different human thinking.

Seriously.. this is no offence and i am not trying to argue with you. Its just that this is my stand point and hope you respect it.

 

[tomasulu]

kelly fair enough. most people are, to an extend, lazy, uninterested with things beyond their immediate concerns (bochup?) and/or have vices they indulge in. mcp or not is often just a view on how domestic duties should be divided. just as long as you know what you are getting into and are prepared to live with the decision. what concerns me with sarah's situation is that she seems to have regretted but decided to stay for reasons not fundamental to the success of a marriage.

 

[powder]

cow cow,

my argument is to what u said, when u depict it as "MCP can be good it shows that his pride will not let you go hungry"... i found that depiction misleading and harmful.

as for the definitions, i think your copy/paste definition above is good enough. it backs my explanation abt the proper definition in the first place.

as for the follow-up explanations, i think u're trying too hard to slot in the word "ego" in there. out of sincere respect, i Googled the word 'chauvinist', and also 'male chauvinist' (which is the more proper), the few definitions i browsed were on it being a belief in superiority, a discrimination, a prejudice etc etc... 'ego' has yet to appear.

personally i dun buy the "born in different era" reasoning. and whilst i agree with the different perceptions of Humans, i dun agree with it being brought in as an explanation to your misconstrued perception. your copy/paste definition defies your own logic/perception.

semantics can be fun, but when it comes down to True Meanings, i think it's important to admit if we've got things wrong.

no worries, i'm not offended, but i think u are... cos despite getting the definition wrong, u're trying to defend your initial by using 'perceptions' and 'the right to opinions' and the 'differences' in human thinking... when all u need to say is that u've misunderstood the essence of the term.

respectfully, i do find it hard to accept your definition. i know u're trying to soften things and mitigate abit, but seriously, u're trying to convince the wrong person.

let's put it this way... let's insert your copy/paste definition and see how it sounds...

- "a male who patronizes, disparages, or otherwise denigrates females in the belief that they are inferior to males and thus deserving of less than equal treatment or benefit. - can be good it shows that his pride will not let you go hungry"

does that sound the least bit logical to u? it's Misleading to me. u've got a lady abt to spend the rest of her life in marriage to someone like that, and u're more concerned with telling me how UN-Wrong u are with your definition.

sorry, when it comes to the Life and Happiness in the advice to others... i dun settle for half-truths and mitigations.

 

[shirleypoise]

Sarah,

Just like the rest of them, I am also truly amazed that you are planning to go ahead with the wedding despite all the complains that you've listed above. And the reason why you are complaining is because you are not happy with the events that are taking place in front of your very eyes. You've said it yourself, you are depressed to think about the rest of your life with him!

"call me useless, but what am i to do? At my age, it's so hard to meet new man, and how many more must i go through before i find someone good? I am not ready to stay single eventually if i can't find someone suitable."

Is he that good then? Doesn't sound like it, if not you will not be venting. Why even bother about getting marry when he can't even make you happy now? And what makes you think that you will NOT stay single eventually? Ever heard about the word "divorce"?


"I have many dates when im younger ok!"

Have you become an unattractive and superbly undesirable gal after getting attached to him? If not, why the scare that you can't meet someone else?

Be strong and make THE decision for your own sake. Otherwise I think you can start planning your divorce.

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, its ok... we both have different understanding. By the way i asked you to search chavinist and egoistic.

Truth is i was indeed offended at first by what you had said but this is a free world where there's speech freedom. I respect your point of view even if you do not agree with me or maybe you do not respct my beliefs.

Sarah, I was brought up by parents who told me not to encourage people to split. Therefore, my point of view maybe very different from others. I believe you come to this forum to seek opinions and views from different people. You had spent the last 3 years understanding him. Since you can list his cons, what about his pros?

 

[green_tranquility]

-

 

[mypellia]

I got this MCP definition from
http://womenshistory.about.com/cs/60s70s/g/gl_mcp.htm

Male Chauvinist Pig

By Jone Johnson Lewis, About.com

Definition: A male chauvinist pig was a term used in the 1960s among feminists for men, usually with some power (such as an employer or professor), who believed that men were superior and expressed that opinion freely in word and action.

"Chauvinist" means someone who assertively maintains that his or her kind -- usually people of the same nationality -- are superior; "chauvinism" refers to an extreme and bigoted form of patriotism.

"Pig" was a word of derision used by some student activists in the 1960s and 70s to refer to police officers and, by extension, others with power.

Pronunciation: show'-veh-nist

Also Known As: mcp, m.c.p.
Examples: If that male chauvinist pig had lived twenty-five years later, he'd have been sued for sexual harassment!

Something to share and learn together.

 

[powder]

well cow cow,

i just googled. when i go into chauvinism, the word egoistic doesn't come up... when i go into egoistic, the word chauvinistic doesn't come up either. u'd like to point me in the right direction so that i can correct myself if i'm wrong? not being sarcastic here but i would like to address my mistakes if there's any.

else 'chauvinism' seems to stem in the belief of a Kind, Gender or Uniform whereas 'egoistic' more concentrated on Self, Self Belief and perhaps almost narcissistic to an extent.

i do not agree with u becos your understanding doesn't conform to the definitions of the term, not simply becos we have different understanding. i'm inclined to think that u prefer to stick to your version even if it's inaccurate, but that's fine. u can term your handphone as a 'groundline' and stand by that term despite it not being universally understood. as long as u explain to pple that when u say 'groundline', u really mean handphone or mobile phone. at least bring pple to the same level of understanding and recognise that yours doesn't conform to the universally used definition...

 

[powder]

i was brought up on Christian doctrines, But i dun let it influence my Objectivity, which is rather important, else we're gonna have another AWARE saga... i'm not sure if u're aware of it, but that's precisely the point. i'd like to believe that mum and dad and all those relatives are happy, but then it's obvious some of them died Unhappy, with Regrets, and perhaps a whole lot of mistakes that went uncorrected thru'out their lives simply becos they lack Courage.

it's like when we read the papers of pple who recently passed away... most times the pple interviewed ALWAYS have something good to say. "he's an obedient student", "she's a cheerful person", "he was a responsible officer who always took care of his men" etc etc.

it's politically-correct, it's 'right'. and pple feel compelled to say good things... but isit Objective? maybe for the dead it's better to say good things, but for Pple who are living and with 30-50yrs of their lives to Live, why encourage only the good things? if u seriously believe in it, fine. just make sure u believe and u're convinced of your own advice, else there's some unnecessary hypocrisy.

yeah it takes strength to stay, but it takes courage to leave as well... so which is more important? i wouldn't know, i Never make decisions for pple, i simply arm them with the courage to make decisions for themselves - without influence from my religion, preference, parents nor any. i give different advice to different pple based on Objectivity and the merits of each case, not just by my religious beliefs... cos that would be trying to influence pple to do what we want, and not what's best for themselves.

just becos my parents are good parents does not make their marriage a good marriage, it just made them good parents.

anyway it's good we had this discussion/debate.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"Sarah, I was brought up by parents who told me not to encourage people to split....."

Did you know why? Most probably they believe that if you encourage people to spilt no matter how valid the reason, you will suffer retribution and end up with a divorce too. Don't just follow teachings blindly, please lah.

"Since you can list his cons, what about his pros?"

Three rights do not make a wrong OK.

 

[miloice]

powder,

yes, I did google it after your highlight. I really though MCP are like many other terms we used like SPG. And I was truly pleasantly amazed by that.

 

[powder]

milo, makes us wonder how far we've come as a society with the help of internet and the knowledge available to us... i'd think that internet and aircon are the inventions of the century...

ps: oh ya, Sarah might be thinking in a similar definition as u n cow cow...

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, yeah.. thats sacarstic. You can try to search chauvinist+egoistic. Hey.. give some credit to electricity as well lei.. without the generation of electricity how all these work?

doll, i am not following blindly on what my parents had taught me. Sometimes, people are blinded by the cons and tend to overlook the pros.

 

[simpleman]

There is definitely a difference between Chauvinistic and egotistic.

Chauvinism refers to MEN as a whole as a belief that MEN are superior to WOMEN.

Egotism refers to the preoccupation with oneself or ego.

Of course MCP can be egotistic but not necessary so.

 

[laundry_woes]

Being only human, the cons will start to magnify over years of marriage and the pros fade into oblivion. There is no perfect spouse. But u can find as close a fit to yourself as possible. Why settle for less? I'm better off being single.

 

[alcifertoh]

Actually though closely knit together the 2 words, SM had concluded it very simply liao.

MCP - Superiority feel. Have the I am of the higher class standing. Like racism like that lah. But you do not need to be egoistic to be a racist.

Egoistic - Pride. Cannot lose. The world center around yourself. Be it facing whoever.

A person can be MCP and Egoistic at the same time but also not. Just that people always associate them together when actually they are independent.

I was thinking that MCP is a "proactive" behaviour extending out while Ego is a "passive" behaviour that surface when challenged or threaten.

 

[powder]

cow cow,

wat's sarcastic? the one abt internet and aircon? cos that one wasn't... was thinking of wat MM Lee said abt aircon being one of the greatest inventions at that point of time so i made that comment. anyway Electricity can be replaced.

one thing, i dun get why u google "chauvinist+egoistic" together? isn't that trying to push them into 1 singular cell just to prove your point? anyway out of respect, i did as u suggest and they are expressed as TWO separate words in the same sentence. so i dun really get your point. i have always maintained that they are not the same, so i am wondering what u're trying to lead me to believe. if they are expressed in 1 sentence to describe a person, then wouldn't they have TWO different meanings? else u would just use ONE of them in the first place??

 

[rubbishcow]

powder, i googled it together to see how this 2 words can go together and what kinda possible answer i can come out with.

This is a method which my poly lecturer had taught me to venture possible searching methods.

I conceat defeat and admit that i am wrong to put the 2 words together. Not trying to lead you to believe.

I do agree with what SM had said. Anyway, i am just offering my perception on how things can be looked at a different angle...... haiz...

 

[mypellia]

Hey there!

It's not so much about winning or defeat.
Take it positively, we learn together as we go along.

Just a form of discussion and sharing of knowledge.

Cheers!

 

[powder]

cow cow,

my whole idea of pursuing this with u, is strictly for the purpose of overruling your statement about mcp not letting one go hungry. i didn't want that thought in Sarah's head at all. i have no other agenda except to negate that statement u made.

i'm sorry to have gone one big circle to negate it, and perhaps created some discomfort along the way... i'm especially sensitive of things being inculcated when a person isn't stable cos anything said can affect an Entire change in one's chosen path, and subsequently - Life.

i see your angle. trust me, i have ample depth to see wat u're saying. i also have ample depth to know when these 'positive outlook' are part of an innate need to appeal to our own experiences, or to keep ourselves embedded in denial.

 

[rubbishcow]

aiyo.. i am not taking it so hard...
Don't make me sound so petty lei...

 

[sgbabydoll]

"doll, i am not following blindly on what my parents had taught me. Sometimes, people are blinded by the cons and tend to overlook the pros."

Cow, what pros and cons are you referring to. I wasn't referring to personality or character strengths (pros) and weaknesses (cons) because we all have such pros and cons since no human is perfect. I was referring to behaviourial pros and cons. For example, a man who is bad-tempered and beats his wife up but provides for his family financially, is filial to his parents, does voluntary work. See, one con versus several pros, OK meh?

 

[miloice]

powder,

many people will perceive and interpret things differently. Most MCP chaps probably don't even realize nor admit their discrimination. Its good that we bring up definitions but for every lady to come into the forum saying how MCP their husband is, there probably could be more sides to the story.

We will probably be more useful to dwell deeper into the details than on the definition of a term. Agree?

Sarah's 'acceptance of fate' as TOO LATE is the real concern here. Also, how she valued the amount of money spend on the wedding day over her entire happiness. MCP is merely of the many flaws she has brought up. To me, the one that is really unacceptable are his violence and non repentent attitude. There is no way it can improve unless he is serious about tackling his issues. Else, it will always be others fault for 'making' him lose control.

 

[sarah_81]

Wow.. i didn't expect so much response. Firstly, thank you everyone for your concern and advice.

Powder: Thanks for taking the time to give me some honest opinions.. though a tat sarcastic ;P, i really appreciate it. Your wife is a lucky lady =)

Kelly: What you mentioned is 99% similar to my situation lor! Haha.. actually most of the time i feel the same way as you... like i really dun mind doing everything so that i know everything is done properly. When i nag him when he is in a good mood, he will move his lazy butt 'a bit' and i do appreciate that.
It's only during certain times when i feel too stressed up and start thinking negative thoughts that i feel resentful. And that is when i come here to post that message. But i shall learn more from you to think on the bright side =)

Everybody else, thanks for your advice too! I feel much better now already. Just felt very stressed up that day when i came here to rant. I do have moments like that, but overall, i really dun mind doing everything cos i love him and i think i am capable enough to handle it. Some of you may not agree with my decision, i understand where you came from. Just to assure all of you, i'm not staying in just because of the reasons i mentioned (ie dun want to be single, spent a lot of money). I'm staying also because 90% of the time, i do bask in the happiness of this relationship. It's the 10% of the time where i need to learn to manage my negative emotions.

All in all, thank you all!

 

[powder]

well milo,

i have already stated my intentions which is to negate a particular statement alot of pple say alot of things in this world but whether or not they put realistic thought and foresight into the statement is another matter... i saw something very unlikely and untrue, i dispelled it.

i can tell u straight that a large number of forummers tend to say convenient things, give convenient advice, and the involvement remains very politically-correct and convenient. some are even popularity-driven. pple dun think nor put effort into thinking...

yes u say there are more sides to the story, But are u really convinced that alot of pple here actually give serious thought to these sides, or are they just inputting cos they happen to have read the post and just have something to say - whether or not it is gonna be helpful to a LIFE?

"We will probably be more useful to dwell deeper into the details than on the definition of a term. Agree?"
- Not in this instance, sorry. if a term was given, and everyone started commenting without understanding what the term means then doesn't that totally make the advice dismissable on basis of not understanding the term in the first place? u try answering an exam question with a misunderstood term and u see if u're gonna score...

as it is, i dun really understand the basis of marriage anymore... the ideas are all there, but unfortunately pple seem to be forcing Square pegs into circles in order to be married. i meet alot of women who are strong and have solid careers, but for some reason they always fall prey to useless half-baked common guys...

just too bad if marriage seems more a destination.

 

[powder]

hi Sarah,

tks, i'm the luckier one. my wife is a rare breed amongst local girls... Yes i'm very honest and sarcastic so u can imagine being my wife, let alone my fren.

anyway i'll leave u with this... Remember that at every step of your life, u will always have a Choice. never succumb to that local defeatist attitude with that phrase "no choice". as long as u're living, u will Always have a choice... Happiness, Financials, Marriage, Career - are all choices. unhappy pple use the word "luck" alot becos they tend to be lazy and defeatist.. which is why they are always looking for something better but will never recognise anything better. and becos they dun recognise, they tend to miss out on opportunities. this goes on in a vicious cycle til they're finally too old and have a permanent excuse - too old.

do your best in your marriage and always find time to have intimate conversations with yourself.. u will need this honesty when u decide that u deserve better and wanna walk out. dun be pressured to stay at any place simply becos u're expected to... and especially when u're still without children. Of cos with kids, it's get a hundred times more difficult to walk out.

think thoroughly before u decide to have kids... remember that your kids cannot pick their father so they are dependent on u to pick a daddy for them... i'm not sure how impt this aspect is to u, but i hope it has been explored.

all said, take care.

 

[miloice]

powder,

i would say in this instance, it went beyond the need to clarify on the definition. As mention, it was good to highlight but beyond that it went on the exchanges with cow cow focusing on more about 'words' which is distant from sarah's issues actually. For me, the definition clarification is done and no point continuing and drifting away from really advising Sarah.

 

[powder]

when a pebble drops into the sea, many assume a ripple... nobody would think anything of a ripple... most assume a ripple will die off...

 

[vios]

well sarah, actually i kinda disappointed that u've regarded all ur talks as a rant.... means, u might not have analysed all these raised issues carefully. cos it would be as good as sweeping it under the carpet for now. maybe for the next 3, 5 or 10 years?

and of course it's your decision... only u'll know if this is the guy whom you want to marry and spend your life, despite "the rants".
just like it was your decision (and a form of courage) to create this particular topic, last week or something.

 

[fairyprincess]

Powder:

I like your statement:

"...remember that your kids cannot pick their father so they are dependent on u to pick a daddy for them..."

Powerful indeed...

Vios:
What to do...anybody can write anything here...too bad if they reduce it to a rant...