Regret choosing him, but too late

[sarah_81]

It's funny how we really start to think about whether the man is right only when we start planning the marriage, by which time, it's too late.

I have always known that my htb is hot tempered, MCP and lazy to use his brains. Whether it's our finances, buying house, planning for wedding, he couldn't be bothered to do anything. He always claim that he is tired from work, but he work shorter hours than me and he spend hours every night playing computer games.

He wants to get married but never bothered to do any research or planning of finances. I am doing EVERYTHING. But there are things i can't do for him, like coming up with the guest list, this he also lazy and keep procrastinating. He keep delay delay until one day I black face then he no choice sit down and do. Then do halfway he say very tiring promise me he'll do soon. Then another couple of weeks still haven do. When i nagged him he give a lot of excuses and get angry. We had a big quarrel then afterthat he 'gan yuan'to do it. I feel like i am dealing with an immature little boy lor. So tiring.

Whenever we have disagreement, he will flare up and expect me to be the one to give in. Even when he is the one who upset me, he won't bother to call me, not even sms. He is too prideful to apologize and expect that after a few days i'll be ok.. then a lot of times he even turn around and be angry with me for being angry. Like, wth!

Of cos, there are things i like about him, which is why i have been with him for almost 3 yrs. He can make me laugh and i know he's the kind who will not fool around cos he is quite traditional in his thinking.

But now that i am going to confirm the rest of my life to be with him, i feel depressed. Because i have known him so long and i know he will always be so immature and selfish. He will not be the kind of man i know i can depend on to take care of household matters cos he is super bo chup and lazy, he will not be the kind of man who will put my feelings before his own. He will not be a good husband, much less a father for our future kids.

I feel so stupid to not have thought abt all this at the beginning of our relationship. Now, we have already paid a big sum of money for our flat, and everybody knows we are getting married, i feel like i am going to settle for a not-so-ideal life ahead.

Depressing...

 

[zephon]

i know its easy for me to say, but if you feel this way then you MUST reconsider your decision.

Don't regret later.

 

[sarah_81]

i know venting here, many will give me that advice: reconsider the marriage.

call me useless, but what am i to do? At my age, it's so hard to meet new man, and how many more must i go through before i find someone good? I am not ready to stay single eventually if i can't find someone suitable.

but thanks for the advice still, zephon, Appreciate it =) I guess i know that's what i shld do, but it requires too much courage which i don't have.

 

[green_tranquility]

Sarah,
How old are u?

Dun marry for the sake of getting the married status and abiding to the social pressure. You should live for yourself and not for others.

It is not too late! You have the choice in your hand right now. You are not being pointed by a gun to marry him. ;-)

 

[mypellia]

Sarah,

Fret not. You are not alone. Read through the forums. It's another typical scenario. There are worst cases where one has to handle after marriage.

Money is always there to earn back. Marriage is just a legal endorsement and so called contract or partnership which suppose to signed for life. (subject to conditions).

Now everybody may know that you are getting married. If things do not work out fine. Everybody may also know that you are getting divorce.

Like many said. You do not live by other's expectation. Decision is yours. It's never too late to realize mistakes made.

Balance your expectations Sarah Haven't married, you start to pick on him and couldn't withstand his character. You sure you can cope after the marriage?

If you seriously do not see future with your partner, why do you still wana go ahead with the wedding?

Be sensible and ponder over it.

BTW, what's your notion to start this threat?

 

[green_tranquility]

Mypellia,
She may just want to vent her resentments out to feel better hehe.

Yeah agree with your point. Now they're dating and only meet each other a few times every week, she already cannot stand his habits. After married, she has to face him everyday, so how can she be a happy woman?

 

[green_tranquility]

"He can make me laugh and i know he's the kind who will not fool around cos he is quite traditional in his thinking. "

zzzZZZ... These two so-called reasons for marrying him can be filfulled by 90% of the male species on the street. Sorry to be blunt.

And traditional-thinking doesn't mean he will not fool around with other women! Didn't the men in the ancient times have multiple wives and affairs outside although they had traditional thinkings too LOL?

 

[infojunkie]

sarah,

getting married is a life-changing decision. so, it is very impt that u be very honest abt ur feelings, ur fears before taking the plunge...
ur HTB's numerous character traits not withstanding... does he compliment ur personality? it is a crucial factor that determines the success or failure of ur marriage, hence it is best to find out before it is too late...

there r 2 things u need to bear in mind...

1) there is no certainty that ur HTB will always be immature and selfish. ppl do change for the better after marriage as they assume more responsibilities...

2) although u hv come this far and everybody knows u guys r getting hitched, the decision to carry it out should not be a result of other people's feelings...

so, do sit down and think carefully...

 

[sarah_81]

Hi Green and Mypellia, thanks for the concern and advice.

Green is right, large part of it is to vent some of my frustrations, cos i dun want to share this with friends or family cos i know there will be repercussions if we stay on as a couple.

I post here also partly because i dunno whether i am the problem here. Am i wrong to 'pick' on him like that? Are women out there more tolerant and willing to happily accept someone like that? Dun mind having to work, take care of all the impt household matters like a man? On the other hand, having to do so much, i still have to be the "xiao nu ren", cannot be angry, cannot nag at him, must listen to him.

I wonder if it is me sometimes..

and to answer your question, mypellia, im 28. Not very old in know.. but i am very simple. I want to settle down, have a family, have kids.. but i want to be happy too..

 

[green_tranquility]

Sarah,

Hey you are still young lah.

At your age, you still can afford some years to slowly date around and choose. Why are you rushing to get married? Why are you so worried that you can't find a better man than your HTB out there? Somehow you sound like a gal with very low self-esteem.

If you want to be happy, then all the more you should reconsider your decision to get married to an immature, irresponsible MCP. You cannot be expecting him to quit his bad traits after the wedding. Are you willing to let him control your words and movements everyday?

I won't take a man who makes me laugh 10% of the time and makes me cry 90% of the time. It's not worth suffering the 90% pain to enjoy the 10%. I think I will be happier being single than attached to such a man. Wah, how can you stand his character for 3 years?

You are lucky in the sense that your HTB already gave you the chance to see his real character now. Once the ROM cert is signed, it is much tougher to dissolve the relationship. Note that you have to bear the consequences of your choice made.

 

[mypellia]

Hi Sarah, 28 for age these days is not old in my opinion. For lady, it's a good age to settle down. However marriage is not a game or trend or lifestyle thing. It's an important matter for both you and your HTB. Both party should be ready (in terms of mindset and responsibilty) and willing to go through thick and thin together. I

Have you both actually sit down together and talk nicely about it. I mean serious talk.

Somehow your mindset is not right. You have so much unhappiness with him and justifying yourself.
I'm quite doubtful things will turn out well even after marriage. If you wana give in and take him as your future husband, sure you can do so. But dun blame others later on as you have already know your spouse is this way before marriage. Of cos, on the positive side, he may change for good but no guarantee. To me, men always has their mischievious side (even pass age 70, base on my observations)

You may consider taking a pre-wed course to let both of you understand what are the undertakings that both of you gonna expect after marriage. If both of you can't handle those commitments. You may have to reconsider your marriage.

Again, do remember. Whatever we type here are just views or the moments of thoughts from our mind that would like to share with you.

What matters most still lies between you and your partner. You both should know better than us.

Good luck sarah

 

[sarah_81]

junkie,
1. I may be wrong, but i doubt he will change. I know ot's very bad for me to say this, but i think his parents did not bring him up well. They allow him to have things his way, if not he will just flare up. He's already 30, don't think he will change.

2. I know i shouldn't care so much abt how others see me, but right now they all think that im happily attached and planning for my wedding. And my colleagues are 90% married, 60% have children, very stable kind. I also dun want to come across as some stupid and impulsive girl, go so far then decide to break up with fiance. Moreover it might affect my career.

Green,
Haha, cannot like that say la, a lot of guys stray nowadays, have affairs after marriage. I know him quite well i am quite sure of his character regarding these matters.

And no la, i dun have low self esteem, just very practical. I have many dates when im younger ok! Hee... But i really feel very drained, have to start all over again.. and dun even know if it's going to be the right one. my last relationship lasted 4 yrs, ended also because the guy too immature.
Actually since some time ago i dun really hurt so much already.. like, i have come to terms with his flaws and everytime he upsets me, i ll tell myself, aiya i already know he's like that why still want to cry.

It's just that when major events like that time buy house and now plan wedding, i find myself doing all the work and then his bo chup-ness and laziness is magnified again and i start questioning myself why i want to marry such a man who can't take care of me.

Am i too complainy? hahaha..

 

[green_tranquility]

Sarah,
You understand him best and it's your life, you have to make the final decison yourself.

How will your personal thing like wedding affect your career? Are you worrying too much of how other people think about you? Life will quite miserable if we always have to consistently worry about how other people think about us.

Sit down and have a serious talk with your HTB about your worries because only him has the answer to your "heart sickness".

 

[infojunkie]

why bother abt how others feel if u hv already anticipated failure? it's ur life u'll hv to ans to!

 

[sarah_81]

Mypellia,

We do talk about this. When he is in a good mood i will tell him sweetly that i feel i am doing so much and i feel tired abt it. He will listen and coax me and say thanks, appreciate me all that.

But when something else comes up, i end up doing everything again cos he will bo chup again. His bro also told me in front of him before that his biggest flaw is that he is super bo chup and hot headed and yet he always think he's very smart so got a lot of pride. He told me to guide him and told him to learn from me. But after some time, i feel like i want a man capable of taking care of me, not a boy i have to take care of.

Maybe a marriage prep course is a good idea, but im not sure whether he's receptive. He is quite self righteous. When me or his bro or sis in law try to talk to him, advise him abt some issues, he will not listen and say things like "Aiyah, you are not in my shoes you dunno one la".

I sound like i have a lot of complaints abt him and dun like him, but the fact that im so troubled is because i do love him and cherish our relationship.. That's why it's been 3 yrs. i just hope that that love can continue to carry us through the frustrations to come...

Arrggh.. the more i say the more confused i get. haha

 

[mypellia]

Yes! Indeed you complain a lot to be frank.

There's no best of both world. Either you change your attitude towards your hubby or you hope your hubby will change for you after marriage. There's always risk.

But I feel, shouldn't because of house, peer pressures and surrounding to affect your decision making. You will regret later, cos end of the day you will be the one taking the rap.

Just like ahead on the floor lies lots of broken glasses, you are barefooted. You know that walking through will cut yourself. You can choose not to walk or you may tell yourself to be extra careful for each step you make while crossing.

The risk of cutting yourself will be high since you are bare footed.

Perhaps you are strong to endure the pain.....

Anyway.....

 

[sarah_81]

anyhow, thanks for all the inputs and advice =) really need to sleep liao still got to work tmr.

Appreciate your patience listening to my grouses and offering opinions.

Will check back here again another day~

 

[mypellia]

Perhaps love is blind and human nature tends to take up challenges.

Perhaps inside your heart, you feel so much hatred, unhappiness and grievances, but you just wana get it over and done. Please your ego and please everyone.

Is it love or attachment? What's love to you?
Life what the class95 said, it takes 3 sec to say "I love you" but a lifetime to show. If you can love unconditionally, that's love. Love is without judging others and having expectations of others.

Just like all parents will love their children regardless what fault or how naughty they are.

Love is not passive. It's the action to show it.

think...these days, i'm getting longwinded.

 

[infojunkie]

another goner...
well, i'm turning in too...

 

[powder]

hi Sarah,

Congrats on your coming marriage! i'm always excited when i see ladies getting married (even though u dun often see it from my posts). i feels it's an important phase for Ladies learn how to be mothers to their kids in the later years, and there's no better way than to Adopt a 30yr-old kid via a legal process known as marriage.

ok ok, tat wasn't what u're lookng for but u must appreciate the sarcasm tat was put together for u... i know u're sorta venting, but then i also wanna sorta kaypo and send a frenly warning... ok?

"hot tempered, MCP and lazy to use his brains"... it already sounds to be promising becos your life won't be monotonous. u'll have endless nites of Wishing, Hoping, Wondering... basically the full works where u get Dreamy and all... just that your happiness is likely confined to the realm of your dreams.

IN Reality, it'll be another world... maybe he'll wake up and change, maybe he won't. But might as well start gambling now to prepare for the IR, and given that u stake your Lifetime's happiness - u'll no doubt be amongst the high-rollers to be invited for a VVIP membership.

so how funny is your future hubby? as funny as my brand of sarcasm? as witty as my post thus far? as good as my foresight? with as much depth as me even though i wrote in a seemingly shallow manner?

end part 1

 

[powder]

....

look - he's Common. the computer games and bochup-ness is like a local male staple-character. his uniqueness is perhaps the ability to keep and even have a girl like u agree to marriage (whilst fighting the baddies on computer) with hot-tempered and MCP given just a mere mention.

he couldn't be bothered to do anything... always claim that he is tired from work yet can spend hours every night playing computer games...
- doesn't this sound like a boy living on allowance and still in school? doesn't this sound like a bad husband? doesn't this sound like A SON? doesn't this seem rather un-Fatherish?

actually i'm not too bothered if u marry into regret, cos i know u'll know how to come back for divorce advice... perhaps some advice after guy B at the office woos u and u're thinking of leaving your Hubby (who isn't yet). then u'll also regret marrying becos u couldn't forego the deposit and financials...

tell u honestly, even if i refund u for your losses, i doubt u'd not want the marriage. u represent the bulk of the new generation of ladies i'm seeing nowadays... those capable of being individuals BUT for some reason Crave for a guy to take care of them YET pick the guy who is Leeast Likely to be able to take care of themselves even, let alone their wives.

as a parent, i wouldn't even be very confident if i had such a son, but i'll be glad that he's Married Off to a lady who is willing to be his next mother, so that me and my wife can retire from those worries and go back to life without such a son. i may even sponsor 10-20k to Make Sure u marry him with ease... PLEASE - take him away!

end part 2

 

[powder]

....

if i just made u feel shitty for 10mins or even for a day, think of how it's like for Him to make u feel shitty for the length of your marriage. and then u'll feel shitty when u meet a better guy and start a relationship whilst he continues his relationship with his darling computer... and u'll feel even more shitty when u leave him...

but that's ok lah, it's better than letting the money go to waste and losing face... hmm maybe not, cos all these takes at most a year to recover?

but of cos to be fair, your gamble might pay off... u might just be the 1 out of 100 pple where things actually work out. tat's a 1% chance, which is not bad. but having 99% chance it's gonna be unhappy is abit of a dampener.

it's another Adoption disguised as marriage, the way i see it. i could be wrong of cos... anyway before u sleep, u might like to pray extra hard since the writing's on the wall and u're hoping/wishing for change which is unlikely to happen But u're ok since u're already resigned to the fact that it won't change... hmm, then in this case no need to pray since already know what to expect, which means u also dun need to hope and wish liao... hmm, which means u're Knowingly marrying a life which u dun particularly feel great abt.

funny, makes me wonder who forced u...

end part 3

 

[mypellia]

haha....i was expecting you to surface. Good 3 part series powder.

 

[powder]

....

hey Sarah,

dun u think i put in more effort in talking to u than him?

Food For Thought...

u take care.

disclaimer: although much sarcasm was utilised, pls note that the effort, thoughts, vision, was sincerely for u and u only. it's meant to show u what Effort is... i'm not venting by the way.

 

[mypellia]

Like the old saying in chinese : Yuan Zhe Shang Gou

People these days just go through motion....

Is this the way new gen behaves?

 

[green_tranquility]

"But might as well start gambling now to prepare for the IR, and given that u stake your Lifetime's happiness - u'll no doubt be amongst the high-rollers to be invited for a VVIP membership. "

sarcastic but also a good example to illustrate her risk taking. LOL

 

[powder]

well mypellia,

i'm actually sad as i was writing... it's one of those things that pple dun get to see in my posts cos my posts isn't abt me, it's entirely abt the pple i post to. so i am very unbothered by wat pple think of me.

actually i'm still sad, but these aren't my choices to make and it's hard for me to tell pple how important their lives are, and how important they are... unless they are ready to believe it themselves...

ps: amended this post a few times cos my kid keeps waking up intermittenly... and hey, i'm not playing computer hor... my time spent on pc quite meaningful one... going for a smoke. as u can see it's 0307am and my wife can sleep peacefully whilst i look after the kid... good father hor?

ok just making a point. that i'm already married so stop eyeing me, there's other guys out there who fits the bill, u just need to find one who isn't hot tempered, isn't mcp and doesn't get addicted to pc games... (if i mcp i'll be the one sleeping instead of my wife, tio bo?)

 

[mypellia]

Precisely! Many pple here are sort of blinded or living in dreams. Perhaps it's part of process of human growth.

It's kinda scary to read daily, more and more pple having problems and going through the same kind of problems or shit that many has gone through. Yet pple still love to stick to their way of thoughts.

Can't be help. Perhaps what we experience or understand or wana share, the ideas or geez...just couldn't get through them.

sigh....sad

 

[green_tranquility]

I doubt she will take our advices. See the way she is defending her htb at the later posts and coaxing herself that she can accept those flaws and she will be fine living with him.

She is short-sighted. She seems to care MORE about how other people will view her than her own lifelong happiness. Isn't this one form of low self-esteem although she denied about it?

 

[green_tranquility]

Mypellia,
Hehe people usually come forums when they are troubled mah, so we will read about more problem relationships than happy ones.

 

[mypellia]

Can't be help. Human are born not to be flawless.

It's quite common. Not just for marriage or relationship. Even for small issues or work related. Human has the hardcore mindset or instinct to resist or counter. I guess it's inherent.

Like common saying...Bu Jian Guan Cai Bu Liu Lei

haiz....gek sim

 

[powder]

Green,

it takes time... i attribute alot of it to our local education system, really! its very obedient, very herd-mentality, very kiasu, very be-part-of-the-crowd based... it's like that cliche - "be there or be square!" so pple follow and embrace the popular...

in spore, it's the popular Concepts without the understanding of the Root behind the concept. pple studying becos most adults said so, so they get results without true interest in subjects but have interest in good results. likewise pple marrying without deeper understanding of what marriage encompasses, but it's the material unimportant stuffs that gets the priority - ie hdb, dream wedding, rings, honeymoons etc etc...

then slowly the important things become a revelation (like they never knew abt it)... ie MIL issues, Personality Clashes, jobs, finances etc....

 

[mypellia]

I do agree with what MiLo mentioned in other thread, choosing the right person to marry is important and you really have to know what you want in a relationship.

 

[mypellia]

Exactly Powder! That's the mindset that many pple or singaporean has been drilled.

In fact, I getting more and more annoyed with singaporean. Good oso complain,no good oso complain. Sigh.

Any freebies or giveaway...pple just rush to it. Like i remember the news interview, why pple Queue outside for 2hrs before PC Show event starts.....OMG! The answer is to follow the crowd or hope to get some early bargains.

I get kinda disgusted....but that's for me. Some pple just enjoy doing all these....

anyway...

 

[powder]

yes it's quite irritating, but i guess bettter to educate than be part of the complainants, hehe. so better *zip*

 

[green_tranquility]

Powder,
Then have to let LIFE experiences educate them liao.

Mypellia,
That PC show queuing is still nothing compared to the Hello Kitty queuing haha!

 

[mypellia]

Pardon us Sarah to have digress! We are too engross over human attitude and "unbearable behavior". Is venting contagious? .... whahaha
Shall zip up!

 

[powder]

ya the stupid macdonald's hello kitty/pooh bear... i bet u 99 out of every 100 is in the storeroom or in salvation army's warehouse.

 

[mypellia]

Wahaha....that's a classic one.

In fact i was kinda sad that pple throw away the meals. The mentality is kinda unbearable.

These days...even newly launch residential or properties also another form of fever.

Econ no good, the way singaporean spend like no business.

 

[green_tranquility]

We must thank those people who are still splurging their $$ for contributing to the economy. We need more people like them! Without them, more retailers have to close shop this year.

Good nite. I go koon.

 

[powder]

will be a meltdown soon... too much greed in local property market.

 

[miloice]

In any investments, no one can guarantee rewards. But, its plain foolish to hold on to the lost investment with everything, i.e. time, youth, resource. Guys gamble their savings on a 90 min match. Whatever the outcome, its over at FullTime. You gamble your life. You live once only.

Time to re-evaluate, cut the loses and focus on what you really need. If he isn't, do u think spending more time and money on him will CHANGE ANYTHING? Time to wake up. Its not too late. Its never too late. u r going to waste a lifetime over money you could have earned alot more together with someone that shares goals.

 

[sinplyme]

powder >> just saw this thread and i like the way u say abt the newer generation of ladies.. "u represent the bulk of the new generation of ladies i'm seeing nowadays... those capable of being individuals BUT for some reason Crave for a guy to take care of them YET pick the guy who is Leeast Likely to be able to take care of themselves even, let alone their wives."

sarah >> hi girl, so eventually u went ahead with the wedding? is everything still fine?

 

[alcifertoh]

25 years of happiness before you met him.

3 years of trial period which you know him.

You take this 3 years multiply by another 15 times which is highly likely what you might get for the rest of your lifetime.

Many had said, he needs a mother than a wife. And no. I bet my balls that character traits as such are unlikely to wake up overnight.

The only way to make them see and grow is to strip everything off them and let them go through suffering to appreciate all the goodness that had been around them to appreciate what's there for them.

Is the money that's gonna be forfeited and other's comments much important than the happiness for the rest of your life?

I mean look. You are just 1/3 through your life span. You want the remaining 2/3 to be feeling this way every night like how you post? It might not be easy for you to endure people's comments if you call off the wedding but I think it would definitely be easier than the kind of lifestyle you might likely have after marriage.

It's like swiming out in the open sea when you could not see any coast lines to reach. While you could just turn back and hit the shores, you feel like carrying on thinking that you might reach somewhere even though you are already struggling just because there are people cheering on and you worried that they might boo if you turn back.

Say put the getting married aside, would you be leaving him? Or rather, is someone with such traits a citeria of your choice when you were single?

 

[mypellia]

It's emotional attachment. Pple gotten used to the way of life and continue to cling on and unwilling to let go. There's always fear and uncertainty which hinder them to make the bold step to detach from these attachment.

Sarah, step back and seriously ask yourself. Do it when you are really calm, quiet and without anger.

Many times, when situation gets uptight, human emotions starts to complicate matter to your mind.

Give yourself some space and time to ponder through.

 

[lovingyou]

Sarah: it is true that we are suppose to look beyond the flaws of our partners in a marriage / relationship etc but that is provided you are happy and you want a life like this for the next at least 40 years. Consider carefully as only you have the ans to everything. All the best.

 

[edmund2275]

@Sarah Chua (sarah_81)

Hi, Couples do change after their marriage, bcos of the stages they are going through. From single to husband to father. They will be unaware that they actually is changing bcos of the role they nd to be play as a part of the family. He may not b helping out with the household when still single, but subconsience they will start to when they think that they are nw a husband, they shd help out their wife, or when you have kids, they will tend to help you out by doing household. This is the nature of human being. Bcos of the stages they nd to go through. When you walk down the road, you will slowly realise this.

 

[starrynite78]

Agreed with Green...dont get married just for the sake of getting married. Marriage is a forever commitment, if you think you are hesitating now, think over properly again...You regret now, do you think you want to have a 2nd regret again? Live for yourself, not others All the best

 

[rubbishcow]

Certain traits like lazy, MCP will definately not change. You can also expect sitting infront of computer playing games also not change.

So if you want to live with these, adopt his hobby lor. Sometimes my fiance and I will play computer games at the same time to keep both of us entertained. Best if playing the same game at the same time to try to beat his scores. My fiance is the kinda man who wana win in all situation so he cannot take it when my scores are so much ahead of his.

Give him some space if you really wana go ahead. He is who you think he is. If you make him as a better man, he will be.

 

[tomasulu]

sarah, quite often we find it hard to decide because we complicate our thought process. we list down the pros and cons, do swot, fishbone, cost-benefit analysis, etc. when we should have been clear minded about the crux of our consideration. paralysis by analysis or missing the tree for the forest if you will. consequently we can get so tired from over thinking that we do nothing or go with the path of least resistance.

let me simplify things for ya. come up with 3 fundamental reasons for wanting to get married and consider honestly if he will be a good fit in that scheme of things. say if you want kids, consider if he would be a good father. very importantly, do not let peripheral considerations -- hdb deposit, your friends' opinions, not wanting to start all over again -- influence your decision.

there are few decisions in life that are more important than deciding who to marry. because few decisions impact our lives more than this. choose carefully, this is not like buying a bag or a pair of shoes. if you are unsure, you want to err on the side of caution.