Regarding finances

[cocoeizing]

Recently, my bf decide to ring the bell and get married. Me being excited asking regarding his budget for this and that and anxious for being a wife to him.

House we had one as his mum wanted us to have one before ROM so we found and it's a resale flat as his parents need us to be near them, so i had to give up my dream to have a brand new flat. I admit the interior is nice but cov is high(37k)and total sum is 415k. his mothere willing to help us to loan us a lum sum of money and ask us to pay her back monthly about $500 per month. It had been a stress for us so my HTB holding on 7 insurance policy and coz those policy he bought it before i knew him as he chasing one girl in selling insurances and he being navie bought the insurance coz can see that girl often. In the end, the girl left the company and no contact made after that. He left with nothing but years to pay off the insurances.
I am so angry that he dun know how to finance his money and everyday giving my stressed face when dealing with our ROM dinner which is going to hold it at swiss merchant court hotel de buffet style. Not even the poolside ROm, just go sign in the ROM den move over to eat. So i ask for a short getaway to bali or phuket or evn lomok but he find it difficult to finance the money even though he have the finances. He thinks that i am asking so much from him. Am i?
I dont understand why he need to be so stress about finances. I know house is costing us a bomb but since deposit is put , he do not wish to withdrawn. He think that he should not borrow money from his parents to buy a house, but his mum insisted to save us the cost of year paying the interest. I just hope he understand i actually know how u really feel. Vey down recently yet he giving me all the shit as breakfast daily. >.<

 

[mewmoon]

Planning a wedding is a BIG financial drain, coco. Savings can quite literally disappear if you're not prudent with your spending. Plus you guys just bought a house, I can imagine how stressed your fiance is feeling right now. Are you helping with the expenses? If not, perhaps it's time for the two of you to assess your financial status first. You want a short getaway trip? Help your fiance out by paying half or part of the expenses. As his wife, you should try to lighten his burden, not add to it. =x

As for borrowing money from his parents, I guess it's coz he doesn't want to be indebted to his parents. When you borrow money from someone, you hand control over to them. Your SO's parents may not be nasty people but there are situations where the in-laws capitalise on the fact that they lent money to you and become unreasonable in their requests. You might want to consider if you want them to have more say in your house than you like.

Whatever it is, negotiate strategically with him and try to see things from his point of view once in a while. Try not to get overly emotional about this. You upset, he upset, everything just goes haywire.

 

[denise80]

coco, I'm surprised that you even needed advice here.

I thought you knew clearly that he doesn't have much $ for wedding? He already told you about the 7 insurance policies right? So now the thing is...do you really love him? Is a lavish wedding more important than your love for him?

I suggest you discuss the current financial state with him. By right, if you are working, you should also chip in some $, especially if you want a more expensive wedding.

 

[the_giving_tree]

What's done cannot be undone. Terminating the policies now will mean a huge loss and you guys have already paid the deposit for the house and I believe there are also monetary penalties for the withdrawal of the sale.

So, on your part, it's no use fretting over what has taken place. In future, both of you may want to make joint decisions regarding big ticket items. If you are working, I suggest you help pay for the holiday and other expenses within your capabilities.

Personally, I won't commit myself to a huge housing loan right at the start of my marriage life and I also don't like the idea of borrowing from parents or in-laws to finance the loan because that puts me at their mercy!

 

[miamivice]

Oh please, it doesn't cost a bomb to get married la. Whoever say it is, is a moron.

ROM fee = S$26.

Wedding dress rent from JB = RM500

Photos = I take for you, cheap cheap S$300.

Wedding car = I lend you, FOC. (Pink ribbon oso provided)

Ta pao food to do buffet at your flat = S$300.

Kao Tim.

What's the freaking problem?

You love each other right?

Screw the in laws.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Coco: I agree w Faith in tat it is uncomfortable for most pple to think about borrowing $ from parents or in-laws cos $ is a v sensitive thing. It feels safer n more stable to get a bank loan, despite the interest cos there wont be any sudden situation whereby the bank needs the $ urgently, bank fall sick or make demands on u since they loan u $.

If ur r/ship w ur bf is strong enough to take on marriage, then u shdnt be writing here abt it. House is an asset n a shelter for both of u. While it is costly now, at least the bulk is payable thro ur CPF. Be mindful to pay his mum back on time each mth. Its gd manners. Since u have paid the deposit for the house, then be hapi abt it. Take it as a long term investment. =>

I suggest tat u sit down w ur bf to openly talk abt ur finances, ur idea of the wedding, ur future plans like when to have chldn, how often to visit the parents, yearly hol trips, anniversary dinner or prez etc. Every couple has a different viewpt of the above topics. U shd pre-empt him tat u wish to have an open n honest talk, since the both of u are going to share ur lives. It may be gd for both of u to 'declare' ur savings n finances, so tat u can re-examine ur wedding expenditure n debt obligations (loans, parents allowance, insurance, hp bill etc). He purchased 7 insurance plans in the past cos he was naive n he liked the agent. Now, he has grown up, so he shd review his plans to c if he truly needs them. If not, he can check w the insurance co to get a surrender value n c if its worthwhile to surrender the plan now n get back his capital, rather than continue the payments.

Abt the black face part, let it go. Both of u have ur emotions n ur troubles. He may be stressed over $ n wedding preparations. Its stressful for u as well, i understand. Sit down n have an open talk w him, lend him support n c thro things tgr w him. For the insurance plans, u shd get a fren whom u trust to help look thro it. U mite want to take things slower b4 ur ROM to give the both of u more time to strengthen ur r/ship.

 

[ajumma]

johnnyutah is right. a simple wedding doesn't cost much. it's only if u hanker after things like honeymoon, hotel setting, wedding photographers, etc, that makes u upset when ur htb's budget doesn't allow for those things.

it's all to do with the expectations in ur mind. both u and ur htb have different expectations. he wants to save, u want to have a moderately decent wedding.

both of u need to sit down and talk about it openly. remember that having a nice wedding celebration doesn't equal to having a lasting marriage.

 

[cocoeizing]

we are doing onli ROM not chinese wedding.
Short getaway, i will be helping him
Housing i insisted to use our cpf to pay off 30 years but his mu insisted to lend us money...
Wad make me so angry is that, when i told him he should do something to his insurance policy, he hesitate to do sth... he told me that he would cancel one but the total yearly bill for his policy add up to near 7-8k.

Even chinese wedding, i dun mind to wait for another 2 yr to do so when we save up more money by renting out our rooms.

I dun ask for a lavish wedding put somehow tradition and simple. I even decided to throw away my dream wedding and do it in the peony jade rather than a lavish, exqusive ballroom.

 

[sm00thie]

Hi Coco, Im also having the same probs as you. except that this time round, i am the one who doesnt know how to plan my finances. I m even thinking of getting a part time job to get extra income to afford the wedding. as we calculate, alot of things really need money. we dont even have the cash for COV. so really needa apply for BTO , which takes FOREVER. sigh.

 

[miloice]

Actually you need to look beyond that wedding day. Your guy obviously doesn't plan financially. Getting into policies he cannot afford. What an idiot. What happens when the family commitments or events stretch the budget? And these are not nice to have things that you can do without like in the wedding. What then? U getting mad over his helpless stressed state all the time?

Take steps back. See if you are heading the right direction.

 

[lovingyou]

coco: "Housing i insisted to use our cpf to pay off 30 years but his mu insisted to lend us money... " = does it means that you are paying off for the house at one shot? If not, you will still be making mthly payments via CPF?

Are you contributing anything for the ceremony? If not, why don't you pay for the short trip to ease his burden?

I agree with Milo's post on your fiance's policies. Instead of procrastinating, why not u look through them with him to decide the pros and cons and slash the unnecessary "liabilities"?

 

[cocoeizing]

we still can make mthly payment by cpf but his mum insisted to have it done this way.

Milo:he bought his policies like few year ago and have no ideas that he might get into marriage. I cant stop him from buying at that time though.

Daphy: i got the new flat bidding but his parents wanna us to stay near to take care of them so i have no choice but to give up the flat.

I dun mind payin for the short trip but i am looking at the finance that he is going thru with him daily usage . and we are going to stay under one roof , i have to do sth to his finace and his insurance. The chinese wedding we decided to save up and then have it later on. We cant have it one shot everything as it cost more than a bomb.

 

[mewmoon]

Instead of expecting him to do something, why not sit him down with an insurance agent from the company from which he bought his policies from and explore the options? You get stressed over his helpless state also no use what. Frustration won't solve the issue de.

If his mom insists on lending the money, you also have the right to decline. You can say things like, "it's ok, we can manage on our own, why don't you keep the money for your retirement?" Something like that. Once you tackle the problem of his insurance, then you can move on to other issues. Don't try to solve everything at one go. One step at a time.

 

[lovingyou]

coco: How old are the both of you btw? "we still can make mthly payment by cpf but his mum insisted to have it done this way. " and " i got the new flat bidding but his parents wanna us to stay near to take care of them so i have no choice but to give up the flat". From these 2 statements: it seems to imply that you guys didn't/can't make your own decisions?

I am not saying that it is wrong to compromise the new flat so that you guys can live near your future in-laws but more like if you think the new flat is not applicable due to a tighter cash flow, why follow through just coz his mother says so?

Marriage goes beyond a day and alot of small factors determines if a marriage works out well. Discussons and actions are necessary to resolving the issues.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Coco: I think Milo is raising concerns abt ur HTB, whether he will be able to take care of the family adequately after marriage. I kinda have a feeling tat u guys may be rushing into the marriage w/out a stable n strong mutual understanding n maturity. It may pose more problems in the future.

Ur post seems to have alot of frustration, unhappiness n resentment. I think u shd really sort out those issues by urself cos it is -ve for the r/ship. U sound like u have to give up ur dream wedding, compromise, lower ur expectations etc cos of ur HTB's lack of finances. At the end of the day, it really boils down to wat is impt to u. Will u be contended n comfortable w just a simple ROM? Or will u bring tis up in future when u quarrel w ur HTB? Many times, life is abt give n take, mutual understanding n support. Its not abt resentment n frustration.

U mentioned a short getaway. Tat to u probably sounds fair, since u guys are not going for a honeymoon. 1 thing to note, dun compare urself w others to say tat they have a honeymoon n u dun. Just focus on u n ur HTB. Every couple is different. If a short getaway is reasonable n both of u can afford to share the cost, then find a time to speak w him n give him an estimation of the budget required. Its not abt u 'helping him' for the short getaway. Sharing costs is not an issue. It shdnt be a 'help' situation or mentality. As husband n wife, dun need to 'help'. Its time to learn to share gd n bad times.

For the house, if u had discussed w him n came to a firm conclusion, then he shd have turned down his mum's offer. Its nva gd to get a loan from pple u know. Chances are u didnt have a gd discussion w him to come to a common understanding n direction. It does show tat ur r/ship is not strong enough. U really shd slow down the pace of ur wedding preparations n take time to seriously sit down n talk abt ur future plans w ur HTB. Have u discussed w ur HTB abt renting out the rooms in ur flat? Tat will affect ur privacy. Are u really ok w it?

My dear, u really have to talk thro things w ur HTB, to prevent more problems in future. Sit w him to look at his insurance policies. For those tat are not necc, check w the insurance co cust service on the current surrender value n c if its worthwhile. Sometimes its better to cut loses. My bf previously received bad advice n bought a whole life plan 25yrs payment n insane breakeven at age 85. He surrendered the plan after 5yrs of premium payment n lost ard 15% of his premiums n took up a whole life plan 20yrs payment n breakeven at age 50. It makes better financial sense. Ur HTB is probably hesitant abt it cos he doesnt understand his policies n is not sure if he shd cancel them.

If ur HTB is financially tight, u may think abt sharing the ceremony costs w him. Or like wat littlewoman says, maybe u can pay for the short trip as a 'present' for him?

If u need help w the policies, u can PM me. I'm not an agent. But maybe i can help abit cos i understand insurance needs n terms.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Newmoon is right. Take things 1 step at a time. Solve the issues bit by bit.

Both of u are adults n are planning to pledge ur lifetime to each other. U have the right to decline his mum's kind offer n let ur HTB explain to her tat u appreciate the offer but both of u are more comfortable taking a loan n paying the interest cos u want to stand on ur own feet. Nothing wrong or offensive w tat.

The way u speak is quite -ve n as though u are pushing the blame to others - 'his mum insisted' n 'i have no choice'. We shd learn to speak fairly n responsibly, so tat it is clearer n we dun have any misunderstandings. Its gd tat u are understanding n filial to stay near ur in-laws. Tat is to be commended. But do learn to manage ur in-laws expectations n live w them harmoniously while not letting them intrude into ur space.

Tell ur HTB tat a short getaway will mean alot to u, to relax n celebrate the both of u becoming husband n wife. Find a destination budget ard $1k for 1pax n show it to him. Ask him for his opinion n let him know u are comfortable to pay for the trip. Tell him tat u feel discomforted w his insurance policies n ask if he minds to discuss it w u n let u c the policies. Ask for his understanding tat u hope he can plan his finances better n tat both of u can work tgr to forge a strong r/ship.

 

[cocoeizing]

thankz for ur advice, i appreciate the effort, will talk to my bf re this. Maybe we should have a firm talks into our future planning... and see thrut he policies with him...

 

[pinktweet]

regarding the insurance policies, may need to sit down and study each policy. If you foresee you will have difficultie forking out $7-$8k each year for the premiums, cut lost now and choose some policies to cancel. Cancel until you are comfortable with continue paying the premiums for the remaining policies. Lost now never mind, better than next time when u have kids then can't afford to continue the policies then decide to cancel. At that time, lost will be higher.

 

[powder]

i'm wondering how much the 7 insurance policies cost in monthly premiums... cos if u cannot afford it, it is better to cut half of it. who cares about losses when u end up living poorly just to have insurance to tide over pple who may not even need your money (in death). of cos those accident/hospitalisation ones still ok.

not to mention some stranger agent who took over the policies will be the beneficiary of the renewals due to his relationship with his ex-gfren... 7 policies... now this is where i'm stuck. anyway Insurance policies are not like loans rite? u can just give them up without incurring huge penalties? (correct me if i'm wrong, cos i only buy term policies).

as for the house... i dun think u should have a dream revolving around a "brand new" house. it's quite a moot point... much like idiots who are not exactly rich, but buy new cars, new this and new that... when 2nd hand makes sense.

No doubt, new in HDB terms would actually be a better a better choice, but the proximity issues, the waiting issues - will just as much be tiresome. i think Proximity is Very Impt... it is something u dun really realise early on, but only later... cos when it comes to support like kids, meals, caretaking, etc etc - proximity makes things more Do-able.

 

[miloice]

"Milo:he bought his policies like few year ago and have no ideas that he might get into marriage. I cant stop him from buying at that time though."

So what if its a few yrs ago? He made a long term commitment with all these policies... Its a reflection on how stupid he is in his finances and planning. So what if he is wooing the insurance agent. That's no excuse for being a total screw up. From then till now, what has he done to improve the situation? Does he expect to have no life no future no marriage all the way? If yes, then don't propose, don't marry.

This guy has major problem being responsible. He isn't ready for marriage or to start a family. He will only be stressed and blame it on you for giving him burdens.

 

[trique]

Indeed, the HTB is definitely not financial savvy. Unless he used to earn more and could well afford the premiums, else its all poorly managed. If you have better financial sense, you may want to appoint yourself as the "CFO" in the relationship. Take control of the budgeting and planning for the family.

As advised by many, do relook into the insurance plans. After paying for a few years, there should be some value in the policies. I know of some that can go into a lapsed state but still in force with an option to reinstate, and you can do that when things are more stabilised. Sit down with an agent and study the options.

 

[miloice]

Take control? It has to be a decision that he willingly agree to and he needs to be clear minded and mature enough to understand what it means. Else, its another can of worms.

Often, the guy will grow to resent the lack of freedom and pride being micro-managed. The idea that if our partners are weak in certain areas, we just take over and manage it for them. Does it work that way? Ask yourself, would you like that? Or do you want to be trusted enough to handle it yourself? We are talking about adults here. There is no way to control our partners beyond their willingness. You are encouraging his dependency on this. He is likely to take it for granted and soon accumulate resentments for the restrictions and lose of pride and face.

My advise, if you want the relationship, give him time to develop his sense of responsibility. Motivate and encourage him... be supportive than micro manage him. Take smaller steps in growing. If he fails, don't waste more time with this idiot. Move on. Will you be happy mothering him? And he happy being mothered by you? Is this the idea of a marriage for the both of you?? WAKE UP.

 

[pantieileen]

Take money from parents don't use the word borrow use give instead of lend then minus backbone = debt free!

Something like taking an advance from your inheritance

 

[cocoeizing]

motivate him? how to? i dun know the way. Mind to share?
I dun wish to mother him and i dun think he like to be mortheres too. just hope thing goes right.

 

[miloice]

Hope is hopeless. Do you need to be taught how to motivate someone? Plan with him, give it time and flexibility for it to happen. Not demand and expect. Work out something that both of you can work together towards and get his commitment. If he proves that he has no will power and determination, then he obviously fails. Instead of taking charge, empower him to take charge and to be fully aware of the consequences and responsibilities behind it.

If he is unwilling to let go of his policies, then he should be looking at how to earn more. This is a no brainer.

 

[ajumma]

instead of straightaway asking him to cancel some of the policies, maybe u can tell him that now that both of u r getting married, there is a need to review the policies to see if they fit into ur financial goals after ur wedding.

for example, if both of u have children, i don't think he can sustain paying for his seven policies, plus the policies of ur children. there can be consequences if he doesn't plan for such things now. for example, if suddenly in future he doesn't have money to pay and is forced to default, his policies may be terminated and he may not get anything back. like that lagi worse right?

it's better for him check now and see which one can cut down or surrender, rather than be forced to terminate at a bad time and lose all that he has invested. it's the same principle for shares or business, if u cannot hold on to it, u have to let go of it, or u risk losing more.

if his advisor is now MIA, u can make an appt with ur advisor instead. or based on fren's recommendation. getting married is no joke. lots of couples quarrel and divorce when they face financial probs. better settle things now before u get married.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Coco: If u dun wish to mother him n he doesnt wish to be mothered, then both of u have to sit down n let the idea tat u are going to share ur lifetime tgr sink in. Both of u are adults alr n are planning to take on a big step in life. It is time to review your past policy purchases n financial status to make way for ur life tgr. If certain purchases done in the past are of no +ve value now, then it takes sensibility to let go or make changes. No point to continue being ignorant or stubborn. Also, if in the past ur spending habits have been too generous, it is also time to examine tat n rethink abt how to plan ur funds.

Cos we are no longer talking abt 2 dating individuals here. We are talking abt 2pple who want to pledge to be responsible to each other n the marriage for a lifetime. I do think u shd take things a step at a time. Maybe delay the ROM abit till both of u are more stable. Dun regret ur marriage in future.