Question for all husband

Who will you choose. the 3rd party that u find true love in each other, or a 10 year-marriage with 2 lovable kids & a wife who is nice n capable but you have no more feelings
 


mark78

Active Member
Nice and Capable? hmm. maybe your nice is terrible to ppl? your capable is nothing but egoistic by ppl standard?
 

seckpin

New Member
Hmm, i just wonder how can the husband be sure that the 3rd party is indeed his "true love"? Didn't he think that he had found true love too 10 years ago when he decided to get married? Or his definition of true love comes with an expiry date of 10 years?

Men like this only truly love themselves.
 
Capable all along for the past 9 years. but Not nice at all for the past 9 years too. Now still as capable, financially independent to support whole family. But started to be nice cos of 3rd party. realise her mistakes trying to make amendments, tyring to rekindle marriage, trying to salvage the complete family.
hubby claim no more to affair but caught re-handed 3x throughout the 1yr. finally said 3rd pty is wat he wants. said happy n very touched by the "changed" wife but no more feelings.
 

alcifertoh

New Member
That, shall leave to the husband himself to reply accordingly to what kind of things he had been facing, how the relationship turns sour and the affected parties threshold level.

Not for us to comment on what they should do as we are all individual by our standard and goals. In the first place, why would the relation come to such a stand? Both has responsibilities.
 
Yes HBH,both hav wrongs which pointless to say now. told hubby will let the 3rd party co-exist so family will not be broken. Is been a month. Have told him is totally unbearable n ask him to choose as i hav no courage to end it.he says give him time surprisingly. Having cheated 3x, every day pass wif imgaination running wild. is destructive. at times he looks genuine, at times no. At a loss wat to do. dun want to break the family due to my suspicion. Dun want to be cheated the 4th time
 

seckpin

New Member
Side-track a bit here...

On HBH's comment about "both have responsibilities" when there is an extramarital affair... even though this may be true in some cases, to generalise it is actually a misconception. It's on a presumption that if everything goes perfectly in a marriage, then no parties will go off track. This is assuming that if we live in a perfect world and then everyone will behave perfectly.

This kind of misconception has actually somewhat given a justification to people having affair, thinking that "hey, it is not me but the problems in our relationship!".

Our changing society and value systems (deteriorating moral values) have a lot to contribute to the high rate of infidelity and failure in marriages nowadays.

"Most people want to believe that extramarital affairs happen when a relationship has a problem. However, that is not entirely true. While it is true that some people get drawn to people other than their partner when their marriage is on the rocks, there are times when people indulge in extramarital affairs because they do not seem to see any harm in it. Therefore, lack of commitment or character can make a person indulge in extramarital affair."

"Let us not forget the individualistic pleasures that the society of today encourages us to indulge in. The society that we live in lays a huge emphasis on personal happiness and self-gratification. This thought has got so ingrained in people¡¯s mind that they do not want to deal with any kind of unhappiness in a marriage. Therefore, people tend to run away to the first person that helps them take their mind off this unhappiness. In order to gain momentary happiness, people tend to sacrifice a lifetime of smiles and bliss."

Quoted from http://www.isnare.com/?aid=225166&ca=Relationships

Just something to share.
 

seckpin

New Member
chili padi, sorry if i appear to be judgemental... (or perhaps i am)...

The family is ALREADY broken. A marriage simply cannot accommodate a 3rd party (of course unless you are talking about the Muslim law or the 19th century). I am surprised that you actually agreed to have the 3rd party "co-exist". This is exactly what those selfish men would hope -- to have a "happy family" while having a mistress outside at the same time, with the approval from the wife!

If he really claims that he TRULY loves that woman, then he will give up everything for her, including the family. Yet when you asked him to choose, he hesitated. So some may say that this is because he loves the family too... well, if he truly loves his family, he would not do anything that would even remotely damage it. Isn't that very contradicting?

So, who does he really truly love? Only himself, wanna have the best of both worlds.

And lastly, i know that a lot of people will stay in a broken marriage for the sake of the children. But i always wonder what makes everyone think that the children will not feel something is wrong growing up in a family where the parents do not love each other at all? Is that a healthy education for the kids?
 

infojunkie

Active Member
TS,

tell me... is it gd to stick with someone who can no longer bring happiness to u and waste ur life managing a dysfunctional marriage?

dun u think everyone has the right to pursue happiness... even the one left behind?
 

its_fate

Active Member
What is "True Love"???

Din't the husband has "true love" on TS b4 getting married??

It's juz going to be a repeat cycle as long as the husband is on the track finding so called "True Love".... Face it....
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
My answer : we think of the interest of both parties in a marriage. Not simply because we have feeling for each other.

Whether to divorce or not, we also have to think of both interest. Is the marriage working? Are they happy? If its a failed marriage, why waste time of both parties? There is no expiry date. You don't need to wait for a date for a relationship to fail. It can fail anytime.

So, folks, don't be complacent. Appreciate the time u r with your spouse. Any relationship needs commitment and effort to rekindle the sparks. Sometimes, pple just grow apart and develop new goals that can no longer function together.
 

powderful07

New Member
iris, how old are you?

Do you not realise that a lot of people in Singapore gets married not becos of true love?

In your world, does it mean that things happens in perfect union every single time?
It's not a perfect world that we live in...
People fcuked it up on certain issues...

Does that mean that such people don't deserve a second chance to be happy?

Your last statement is more aimed towards people who are using "True Love" as an EXCUSE to fcuk around...
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Well CSP,

As of current case, it has already been expressed and acknowledged from parties that the weightage of responsibility is there.

I still maintain that for marriage to succeed, there is responsibility in both party. Responsibility to exist and grow together, identify the common goal, and assist each other towards it.

True on cases where character traits stray a person. However, I would not consider the other party as a so called "victim". The party is responsible for his/her life and future and the role he/she has in this marriage other than crying victim and just pointing the gun and feed themselves with the purpose to go on. End of the day, he/she agreed to married the other party?

However the choice the TS has made, she carries the responsibility to it. To herself, and to the family. She has to know that this is her responsibility to the marriage. I rather not the TS crying fault at what but work on her end to at least secure the future that she wants.

"Let us not forget the individualistic pleasures that the society of today encourages us to indulge in"

I would brand this mentality being stem more from the school of this thought, "it's not mine but other's fault"

In much scenarios apart from marriage, we have too many individuals seek reddress rather than reflecting on themselves, their approach and actions. When problem brews, first thought would be caused by all factors before looking at self.

If I have a straying spouse, first thoughts to me would be, had I fulfill my role? If I did, I still have the responsibility of choosing to marry the person. I take it in stride and carry on my responsibility to myself. That, is the responsibility I am speaking about. Rather than "YOU SCREWED MY LIFE!" and rot on it. Because it's my life, I have to answer to myself.


Chilli padi,

Before you make decision on such, I would advise you to relook into your reccomendation to your husband. Is the suggestion healthy? Isn;t there better alternative or solution? This is what you want in salvaging the marriage? You are actually giving him the approval to go ahead with the ordeal which you can't bear by accomodating the third party in your initial suggestion.

You need to communicate with him and come down with a resolution on the situation of you both.

Ask yourself are you willing to take him back with a fresh new chance to start everything all over again and if you would wish to make the effort to rebuild this family. You have to be true to yourself. If not wise, like I mentioned earlier you do have your responsibility towards yourself, and your children. The happiness that you deserves.
 

its_fate

Active Member
†PoWd3rFuL☆ - That's why I'm replying to what U said : If "it's true love... 3rd party..."

I don't believe in True Love... Coz there is no such thing.. Face the reality.. If there is really true love, there won't be so many cases of divorce..

Guess most when come to the point "divorce", they have forgotten the Vow.. Be it husband or wife.. They bound to say I want to find my "True Love"... isn't it one of the excuse to break away present relationship????

Yes, everyone deserve a 2nd chance.. It may be me in a divorce stage in 1, 5, 10 yrs time.. However, this person I've spent my time with during this is a person I once LOVE...
 

seckpin

New Member
HBH, oh, the "side-track" post was just something to share and not directed at this case. I do know that chilli padi has admitted her side of responsibilities too. My apologies if i should have put it in another post.

And i was only quoting it to highlight that it is not ALWAYS two parties are at fault, even though the majority of marriages do fail because of that. And "not having the responsibility" does not equate to being a "victim", or at least not in my definition.
happy.gif


Yes, agree totally about when something goes wrong in a relationship, the party being betrayed should definitely do some introspection. And often that not, we will find a lot of things to improve on ourselves to make the relationship better.

Yet, the other side of the coin will be taking it to the extreme and the betrayed party sometimes ends up engaging in self-blame that can be self-destructive.

Yes, what you maintained is correct, that both parties have responsibility to make a marriage successful. That was exactly what i was referring to -- "BOTH PARTIES". If only one party is doing it and the other is not, yet you still maintain that it fails because of BOTH parties?

Of course, there can be 101 reasons of why marriage can fail. Even if a wife is near perfect but the man simply finds the life lack of excitement after many years of marriage and decides to look for fun outside instead of talking to or creating excitement with the wife, so the wife also has to be responsible for letting the marriage become "dull"?

Probably many will say "yes" to this question, then i'd say all marriage will fail in the end. And if throwing in the stand that "who ask you to marry such man? It's your own choice so it's your responsibility what", then really, there's nothing much to say about it anymore.
 
all the folks, hubby has surprisingly said give him time cos he 1 2 be wif me. but he is still reserved n secretive eg hide car keys n hp when reach home. As he has mention going separate ways thrice before, i m really grateful when he changed his mind now. but having been cheated 3x before throghout 1 year, i live in fear for history to repeat. tats y i would like to ask husbands who ever strayed...3rd pty or family but very little or no feeling towards the wife.
 
Or rather to all 3rd parties, would u 1 2 to be a married man that promised to leave the wife but has not for a year.......i have spoken to the 3rd pty since the affair exposed. she said y am i hanging on to my marriage as communication has broken down long time ago. she said time will tell that hubby wil leave me for her. the last time i caught them together, i slapped her in front of hubby.....which hubby did not come home the same night n raised the divorce the next day. So to all 3rd parties, if the married man you love kept delaying his promise to leave the wife, what will you do?
 
"I don't believe in True Love... Coz there is no such thing.. Face the reality.. If there is really true love, there won't be so many cases of divorce.. "

Besides divorces, there are also blissful marriages around us. Why open your eyes big big on the negative cases and shut your eyes on the positive ones?
 
so is there any 3 pty who care to share? Do u really dun mind being wif a married man? the 3rd pty is 39yrs, decent looking. If my sources is correct, in the process of divorce or already separated. they have been together for more than 2 years.
 
Chilli,
The main focus should be on your hubby instead of the 3rd party. So what if this current 3rd party gal leaves your hubby? There're still thousands of other women out there! If he's keen to continue his affairs, he will hook up with a new gal very soon. Are u sure that he's really serious to repent this time round?
 
Green, u r very right. Hubby said wat u mentioned before when he rasied the separation issue that the problem now is him. not me. he said i am probably nicest to him now than he can remember.but it has come too late cos he only felt sorry & guilty when i m nice to him. He said even when he felt moved by my actions, the feeling will go away every quickly.he is also afraid that he wil regret cos he can feel i have matured and learnt from my past mistakes.having said that, he claimed if there is no feelings, even if the 3 pty dun exist, there may be another one cos THE FEELING between us is gone...but 1 month ago, when i tell him i cannot go thru this anymore cos is unbearable to know the 3 pty still exist, he suddenly told me to give him time as he wants to be wif me. but having cheated 3x, i am doubtful & fearful of history repeating itself. when he is nice, i think he is guilty. when he is away, i think he is wif her. i am at a loss.......i wanted so badly for him to come back, but now i m afraid i may destroy it wif my own hands due to my uncontrolled insecurity, doubts, suspicions....so can any husbands or 3 pty shared their experience?
 

alcifertoh

New Member
Hi CSP,

"Of course, there can be 101 reasons of why marriage can fail. Even if a wife is near perfect but the man simply finds the life lack of excitement after many years of marriage and decides to look for fun outside instead of talking to or creating excitement with the wife, so the wife also has to be responsible for letting the marriage become "dull"?

Probably many will say "yes" to this question, then i'd say all marriage will fail in the end. And if throwing in the stand that "who ask you to marry such man? It's your own choice so it's your responsibility what", then really, there's nothing much to say about it anymore."

Addressing to above that you had mentioned which I stated earlier, if such situation shall occurs of a "perfect" partner fulfilling the responsibilities in the marriage and family but yet the marriage fails, the focus of the responsibility shall be shifted back to themselves. What they wanted out of it and how they are able to carry on from there.

If a party had been doing it all along and receive non positive feedback/results, the party should evaluate it than just carry on blindly. It's always good to evaluate on the journey together and the method to that is communication.

I ain't so pro on the who is right or wrong game as like the 2 sides of coins you mentioned, self destructive. Because by feeding with hatred, it hinders the progress of happiness. True, cheating might occur. I am more concern on "So now there is this cheating problem. How do we solve it? Are we going to carry on or just gonna end it here. If so whats next?"

Blaming the husband to cheat due to the reason which the wife being dull or vice versa? I do not see that as a reason at all, but an excuse to justify. A marriage takes the nuturing and feedback from both parties. We keep in check with each others to show our concern and progress.

I do ask my wife this question and vice versa. "Are you happy with our current lifestyle? Is there anything that we can improve on?"

From start she knows that I am not looking for a "yes" girl. And during such sessions we seek for ways to improve and grow and I do see this as a way of responsibility of us both to grow together. But if one day either one of us not gonna say anything anymore and the other one just let it slide, then it would likely go down the drain.

Take the family and commitment off the equation of marriage, it's BGR. A party that leave the relation with a much more positive stride picks up happiness faster than one that digress on it. I pro positive mindset and planning ahead.

"And if throwing in the stand that "who ask you to marry such man? It's your own choice so it's your responsibility what" <-- Actually my stand does not mean it this way. but "Since you have done your role and all you can do, it's time to move on for your happiness."

Basically our stand are almost the same is just that I don't seek to find who is right and who is wrong. It just din't work out that way although both parties tried till certain point of time I believe.



Chilli padi,

Don't you think your hubby is buying time? An additional day of giving him some time = an additional day of torture for you. No point asking from any third parties. But yourself if the outcome you hope for is something which you really want.
 
Chilli,
Many times, we may get so busy juggling work and mother etc roles in life until we neglect our wife role to our partner.

This must be a very emotional period for you. Since your husband has shared about the loss of feeling with you and you hope to save the marriage, why not plan some things to rekindle the feelings between the two of you? Plan dinners to the places that have sweet memories for both of you, eg. where u first met each other? where u both host your wedding dinner? Plan a tour for your family to relax and spend quality time.

Your efforts may not pay off in the end but at least you can tell yourself that you have tried your part. Set yourself a timeline (e.g. 3 months). If the relationship doesn't improve after (e.g. 3 months), it means that it's time to let go of your hubby and focus on your own life instead. You can't be forever pardoning his affairs. Take care.
 

seckpin

New Member
HBH, i applaud you for being a good husband who knows how to keep a good marriage. Perhaps more men should learn it from you.
happy.gif


I do not agree in hating anyone either when there's betrayal for the failuer of a marriage. However, i do not agree with the part about who's right and wrong is unimportant. Finding the wrong does not equate to hatred. It's just that if the party at fault (or in your opinion, both are always at fault) does not see the wrong, then there is no remorse and he/she will not change and become a better person.

Anyway, i get your points and you get mine. We can agree to disagree.
happy.gif
 

alcifertoh

New Member
I am glad that we can come to that consensus. I would not consider myself as a role model though. I just try to apply what works for me and my wife in our case. We are still a growing couple and we hope to grow as well as maintained our happiness as an individual.

Funny it might seems for some but we had also talked about how things are to be arrange if either one of us is not around as life is unpredictable. That is the surviving party to seek for his/her future. Do not be bound down by traditional thoughts of obligation.

We encourage each to seek for our happiness as we do not believe that one should sacrify for another. There is a life to live. I would say it is more of contribution and each other's effort to keep things going.

I subscribe to the thoughts that it's because we are happier together, hence we are together. Not otherwise. This is the thought which I shared with my friends if they started to lament about their other halves and picking flaws.
 

powderful07

New Member
Green, thanks for helping to clear things up with that iris...

Was about to reply to that "glass-half-empty" remark when I saw yours...

Must be a wonderful life she's living...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I don't believe in wisdom... Coz there is no such thing.. Face the reality.. If there is really wisdom, there won't be so many idiotic posts in here.

Iris, sorry for the sarcasm but your earlier statement is really lame. The point that there are failures doesn't prove success is not possible. Also, as powderful pointed out that not everyone married for the right reasons in the 1st place. Divorce can sometimes be a right decision to correct a wrong in the 1st place.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Hi Chili Padi, happen to browse through this post, perhaps jus would like to share my personal opinion as well. Frankly, I think it takes 2 hands to clap and it is never easy to end a r/s, more to say if emotions are involved. First of all, think of what you really want... Give a timeline for your husband to settle the issue, once the timeline passes and he is still with the lady, I think he just can't let go of her. Secondly, his sudden change of behaviour is not surprising as like some of the people here might advise ya, your acceptance of the co-existing of the 3rd party is the best of his worlds, little did he expect that you will change your mind and thus this makes him panicky. Also, if he really does love the 3rd party as what the lady claimed, why is he hanging on to the family? He is just dragging his feet in this matter.. Stay calm and have a good talk with your husband. All the best.
 

skylar

New Member
agree with HBH that the hb is now buying time.. really, no point at all..

guess u have to pass your own barrier.. try to think out of your box, live w/o ur hb, u can manage once given the time..

based on what you had said.. it does seems like your hb is not that all out to work things out with you. rather sadly he might only be staying for the sake of the kids..
 

its_fate

Active Member
†PoWd3rFuL☆ - What makes U think that I'm leaving in wonderful life??? Dun jump into conclusion... I don't come in here "seek for advice" doesn't mean I know "nuts" about love.....

It's different Perception in life.... To me, there is Love but not so-call True Love.. it's a strong/factitious words to use..

If A were to leave B so as to seek for another partner, please don't say he/she is looking for True Love.. he/she is only looking for another one to love.. If again this relationship don't work out, he/she will AGAIN look for another one... so isn't a cycle??? Till death oso duno can find this True Love not....... But if U were to tell me he/she is looking for Love, I'll agree....

Please don't use True Love as an excuse to exit yourself to another relationship.. Juz tell your partner U don't Love he/her anymore.. Straight forward.... Why make up so many excuse for urself leh?????

Again I say, different ppl different view.. U cannot "fault" me wrong from my personal view,, neither will I say U are wrong since U stand to your point.....
 

skylar

New Member
Something to share with you all.....

Interesting quote from the movie 'Why did I get married?'

In most cases, especially in relationships, you will only get 80% of what you NEED and you will hardly get the other 20% that you WANT in your relationship. There is always another person (man or women) that you will meet and that will offer you the other 20% which is lacking in your relationship that you WANT And believe me, 20% looks really good when you are not getting it at all in your current relationship.
But the problem is that you will always be tempted to leave that good 80% that you know you have, thinking that you will get something better with the other 20% that you WANT
But as reality has proven, in most cases, you will always end up with having the 20% that you WANT and loosing the 80% that you really NEED and that you already had.
Be careful in deciding between what you WANT and NEED in your life.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have. 'Wow, this girl in my office is a real looker. But it's not her Wynona Rider features that got me. I'm crazy about her because she's also understanding, intelligent, tender - so many things that my spouse is not'

Somewhere along the way, you'll find a woman or a man who will be more charming or sensitive. More alluring. More thoughtful. Richer. Have greater sex appeal. And you will find a woman or man who will need you and pursue you and go loco over you more than your spouse ever did.

Because no wife or husband is perfect. Because a spouse will only have 80% of what you're looking for. So adultery takes place when a husband or wife looks for the missing 20%. Let's say your wife is melancholic by nature.

You may find yourself drawn to the pretty clerk who has a cherry laugh no matter what she says: 'I broke my arm yesterday, Hahahaha . . ..'

Or because your wife is a homebody in slippers and pajamas, smelling of garlic and fish oil, you may fall for a fresh-smelling young sales representative that visits your office in a sharp black blazer, high heels, and a red pencil-cut skirt Or because your husband is the quiet
type, your heart may skip a beat when you meet an old college flame who has the makings of a talk show host.

But wait! That's only 20% of what you don't have.

Don't throw away the 80% that you already have!

That's not all. Add to your spouse's 80% the 100% that represents all the years that you have been with each other. The storms you have weathered together. The unforgettable moments of sadness and joy as a couple. The many adjustments you have made to love the other. The wealth of memories that you've accumulated as lovers.

Adultery happens when you start looking for what you don't have.

But faithfulness happens when you start thanking God for what you already have.

But I'm not just talking about marriage.

I'm talking about life!

About your jobs.
About your friends.
About your children.
About your lifestyles.

Are you like the economy airline passenger that perennially peeks through the door of the first class cabin, obsessed with what he's missing? 'They have got more leg room! Oh my, their food is served in porcelain! Wow, their seats recline at an 80% angle and they've got personal videos!'

I guarantee you'll be miserable for the entire trip! Don't live your life like that. Forget about what the world says is first class. Do you know that there are many first class passengers who are miserable in first class -- because they are not riding in a private Lear Jet?

The main message???

If you start appreciating what you have right now, wherever you are, you are first class!
 

its_fate

Active Member
MiLo - Thanks for your sarcasm. I din't say Divorce is wrong.. I'm surronded by "it"... Agreed that "that not everyone married for the right reasons in the 1st place. Divorce can sometimes be a right decision to correct a wrong in the 1st place".....

In my post: Posted on Wednesday, June 17, 2009 - 6:04 pm: I've mentioned that "Yes, everyone deserve a 2nd chance.. It may be me in a divorce stage in 1, 5, 10 yrs time.. However, this person I've spent my time with during this is a person I once LOVE..."

What I'm pointing out is the word "True" "Love"...... So does it mean A is telling B: Hey, all this years of our marriage is "False Love"...

U have already hurt or release someone when U choose to leave. Must U say such words which no one really know the "True" meaning/feeling of it???
 

powderful07

New Member
Some people don't get sarcasm even if it hit's them in the face like a charging rhino...

I was being sarcastic when I said you are leading wonderful life...It's meant to be sarcastic given your "glass-half-empty" remarks...and not meant to be taken literally...

Iris, what I realise is that you're just playing with words just for the sake of playing with words to prove your point.
I can already foresee that it's going to be a very frustrating attempt from me to make you see my point...

The main subject that we are talking about here is the existence of this component called "Love" in a relationship.

The question posted by the TS is whether if you will choose to be in a relationship with someone you love or to be responsible and stay in a love-less relationship with a wife (who you no longer love) and your kids...

I'm not going to engage with you in a endless and meaningless argument on how "True" must "True" be before it can be counted as True Love...

Love is a grey area at best, but you seen to like to categorise this tricky component in black and white.
Things change, people change and yes, even Love changes...
It can dim with time, it can change with events...and the meaning differs from person to person...

Your choice to say that True Love does not exists is pretty much the same way that an idiot says that Air does not exists because he can't see it...

Maybe it's just because you didnt have the experience of being in a relationship with love...
And also maybe it's because you are recounting your bitter experience from being in a love-less relationship...

You told me you have made your comments based on your experience of seeing people who have divorced...but here I am making my comments based on my experience of seeing people who have choosen divorce from a love-less marriage and finding their happiness later with another person who they love and be loved in return...

You do need to understand that sometimes, in order to be on the path of happiness, we might need to start on a walk of sadness...Two people who continues to deceive themselves in a love-less relationship is depriving the possibility of 4 persons who are happily in love from happening...

Which then leads me to my original sarcastic remark...

Must be a wonderful life that you have lived...
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"What I'm pointing out is the word "True" "Love"...... So does it mean A is telling B: Hey, all this years of our marriage is "False Love"..."

possible u know... and luckier ppl spend their entire life thinking that they'd found true love :p

what i'm trying to say is that this is not an either-or proposition... love can be risky business... if dun wanna get hurt then avoid falling in love altogether... but what the heck, what is life without challenges?
 
Hi Green, hubby is very "clam" up. Refuse to be intimate, go holidays &amp; much more. Claimed i have left him alone for 9yrs that he is so used to his own life. claim i am a stranger that he need to reknow me again. as i ve said, i m a lousy wife for 9 yrs. after our 2nd kid, we r intimate for 3 or 4 times throught 7 years!!! i was involved in work n kids n totally neglected him n regret to say, vent all my frustrations on him.....fast forward after discovering the affair, i really realised my mistakes n have changed. its been a year!! unlike initially where he is sceptical, he believes now i really realised my mistakes. thats y he said how he wish i was like that years years ago but its too late cos he has lost his feelings for me long time ago. he stayed on cos he wants to see the kids n 2 years ago found the 3rd pty.

throughout this 1 yr, we both tried but i found out he lied again n again n again. now the status is i have told him i cannot allow 3rd pty to co-exist anymore cos life is hell with fear &amp; hearteche &amp; rejections from him to be open &amp; intimate. Suddenly he say give him time n now said no longer with her anymore. But the trust is gone though the love for him is still there. can i trust him again?? he is 39 this year n the 3rd pty is 38yrs. To 3rd pty ladies, if u have been promised by the married man he will leave the wife but never n never n never....esp you have been slapped n hit by the wife in front of the married man....will u still stayed on???? to husbands who r not serial affair seekers, can lost love be rekindled under such circumstances??? who will u choose?? 3rd pty that u have feelings n clicks, or wife who is now changed n capable n a complete family??? do you think he really left the 3rd pty ???
 
hubby claim he cannot bring himself to be intimate cos feelings not there.also because we have not been intimate for too long!!!! also he still have all the negative images of me shouting crazily at him..... To man who r not rule by their pen**, (pardon me) is it true?
 

jinnous

Member
Well, kinda difficult to salvage a relationship when you have mentioned what happened throughout your relationship.

I would think it for the best to seperate. Its so painful for everyone.

Men will not change unless there's some big event in his life which might change his character for life. My uncle has a wife and a mistress. But the damage done to the family cannot be wiped off.

Would you wanna waste your life away locked in this kind of marriage?
 

mark78

Active Member
"Well, kinda difficult to salvage a relationship when you have mentioned what happened throughout your relationship.

I would think it for the best to seperate. Its so painful for everyone.

Men will not change unless there's some big event in his life which might change his character for life. My uncle has a wife and a mistress. But the damage done to the family cannot be wiped off. "

i beg to differ the above statement. MEN will not change.. then will woman change? pls don speak for entire MEN leh....

if he will not change unless some big event happen then why in the first place did he change his heart? or due to some major big event such as a bad marriage again? then is a bad marriage / arguments consider a big event?

too many factors or situation will change a guy yet you just simply use the word MEN will not change unless got big event. cant it be self realization or maybe you find that Men have a hidden flaw that will lead to his unfaithfulness and only a major change will alter his mental constitution
 

meagain1

New Member
I do not know what happened in the past 9 years (how bad was your behavior towards your hubby)but I think he is full of craps and bulls*ts now for the reasons he gave.

Pardon me for my remark.
 

seckpin

New Member
I am not a 3rd party... but i had heard of too many such stories.

Not ALL 3rd parties are looking at marrying the men. In fact, some really love the men, or have some other needs (such as financial), and are willing to stay in the relationships even without the piece of paper. Moreover when the wives already know and the husbands still openly stay in the relationship with them, the more they will feel that the men love them and only stay in the family for responsibility only.

So it's really no point in waiting/hoping for the 3rd party to let go first. It may or may not happen.
 

jinnous

Member
Hi sleepy bear,

did I mention anywhere that ONLY women will change?

Change of character happens to everyone, u and me, men and female.

We are talking about the TS's case, based on her words.

Probably I shd have used the word, her husband instead of the general term, men.

If this offended you, I didn't mean it. Dun insult ppl.
 

seckpin

New Member
Just a thought, if you have not already done so. It may not necessarily help to rekindle his love for you, but it will definitely help you to feel better about yourself.

Did you try to make yourself look different, whether through a different hairstyle, clothings, keep fit, makeup, etc?

Bear in mind that you are not doing this for him but for yourself too.
 

skylar

New Member
hhhmmmm.... did i see it rite????

Quote from you
To 3rd pty ladies, if u have been promised by the married man he will leave the wife but never n never n never....esp you have been slapped n hit by the wife in front of the married man....will u still stayed on????

did u really did that???
 

alcifertoh

New Member
I don't sense any insulting intention from mark78 post as above.

"i beg to differ the above statement. MEN will not change.. then will woman change? pls don speak for entire MEN leh...."

From my interpretation, this statement of his is addressing on the point that generalizing has occurred. Easily igniting gender bashing.

Just clarifications on his part and no pun intended.
 


alcifertoh

New Member
chili padi,

I don't know why you are asking for 3rd or straying parties comments as if an answer provided by them gona bring light to you. Reading on your post so far asking all the people in the world, there's someone else whom you should really ask.

That is asking YOURSELF. What do you really want. You have an answer in you but you are not truthful enough to face it. Then you try to pluck justifications from here and there to last you. Seriously. Ask yourself what you want and what can you to to move on from this spot.
 

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