Problems with In-Laws


New Member
Thinking of starting this thread to discuss about the problems we face with our in-laws and how to overcome the problems.
Anyone with any problem with your in-laws?
Usually what kind of problems will arise?

hi shines,

r u also staying with in-laws ?
i am staying with my MIL...FIL not around what problems did u face with ur in-laws ? care to share ?


New Member
i am not staying wif my in-laws... but even so, there are also disagreements... of coz i didn't tell them straight in the face... and i also dun wan my hubby to be sandwiched in between. but i cannot control, will still complain to my hubby.


New Member
shines: i m staying wif mil n young bil. fil no longer ard also.

u need to give eg. of probs so we can share our experience n solutions...
I've stayed wif my mil for 4yrs liao. so far so good. no major quarrels. small ones surely have de.
me staying with MIL even since we ROM 4 years ago. now we have our own lovenest, but my MIL also follow far so good lah. she will help us do some of the housework and cook dinner for us loh. like petrina goh say, no major quarrels but minor agruements are unavoidable loh


New Member
my in laws are generally nice people but the problem is they are overly protective over their children.
his son who is my hubby...they still treat him like a kid.

i find that they are too when I am "playing" with him by beating him gently, my FIL will not be happy and say "if u wan to beat my son, dun do it in front of me, i will be heart ache!...
then my mother in law will trim the edges of the bread for him...and then will cook breakfast for him because bread is too hard for my hubby to swallow.

then my father in law always think i am bullying him etc..and occassionally remind me not to do so..these make me feel uncomfortable.


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My mil oso dotes on her son so much. always 'remind' me not to give cold drinks, or sweet things to his son. I am thinking, your son cannot buy on his own n drink meh? how can I control what he should drink?


New Member
jan jan

my hubby automatically buy cold drink himself cos he is afraid of cold. i also wan to stop him but can't.

the worst thing is, what my in laws doing to his son is making him very dependant... actually they are doing more harm than good by doing so..

why can't they understand that his son is a grown up not a bany anymore..i told my hubby dun expect me to be your new mummy cos i am brought up in a independant way..and i dun expect him to be my new daddy too.
hi cynthia, my MIL also super protective on my hubby. his dad left him at a young age. so he is very close to my MIL too...even we go for honeymoon, my MIL also want to follow us. but in the end she did not cos i told my hubby that honeymoon is once in a life time, must really spent it together only. now we stay together, my MIL will wash my hubby's clothes cos she worried that i wash not clean and cause her son to have skin problem loh...but i wash my own clothes (actually is good too, so i will have less clothes to wash, haha)


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sometimes my in laws will say that I will have to do housework in future..blar blar blar..but why they never remind their precious son to do housework?

i told him upfront that his son is not marrying a mother and I am not marrying a father. they like it or not, he is expected to do housework in future. actually my fh is ok with his new roles but his over protective parents will cause him to feel dependant..they spoil market lor


New Member
hi, i stayed with my MIL too and my FIL is not around. We have been staying together for about 4 years and she is a great lady.

Before she moved in to stay, we have an agreement that whenever we need to discipline my kids aka her grandchildren, none of us should step in to 'defend' them. Think this is very important so that my kids will not manipulate us in some way.

Of course we still have some disagreement but i think it is inevitable since we are under the same roof. Most importantly is to give and take lor and sometimes close both eyes when it comes to 'sayang-ing' my husband, since afterall he is still her son and i find her still spoiling him although he is already a grown up.


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I stay with FIL, his sister and brother too. Hard to handle them. FIL always smoke and make everywhere dirty which irritate me. His sister is emotional and always treat me as invisible gal. She even order me to do something during the 1st day of lunar new year...very rude.

For me, I always stay at my bedroom after coming back from work because I don't want to see them or affected by the cigarette smoke around, just like staying at a hotel room. I haven't been watching TV for long, which is located at the living room.

Do you think that I am poorer than you all ?


New Member

dun any of you ever feel that you're taken for granted by your in-laws?

currently we're staying on our own but i'm worried what if one day they want to move in with us? how to turn them down without hurting their feelings?


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for my case my hubby has a younger which is single currently stay when them. Me n my hubby is stay near them afew block away from them... currently no problem..Dun turn them down use ur hubby as a shield.. must make hubby stand on ur side.


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I'm getting married this year and I'm now staying with my FH already. He is staying with his parents and newphews. The house is under his name with his mum as occupant. After our wedding, I'll continue to stay with them and that means with my PIL and his newphews.

I do not like the idea of staying with PIL knowing the fact that alot of conflicts will happen in the future. With this thought in mind, I've spoken to my FH many times and he had tried to solve it and even mentioned to his parents to sell the current house. After done so, the parents can get another 3 room flat and we can get another flat on our own. But the mother refused. Giving all sorts of reasons and excuses. After the dispute, she came and ask me why his son suddenly wants to sell house!

Anywayz, after that incident, my FH and I spoke on this issue a few times. The most recent one, almost got us seperated. I was firm on staying on our own and my FH insisted to stay with his parents since my MIL refused to move. With these in mind, he told me to reconsider our marriage and sent me home immediately that night...

I was weeping hard in the car on our way back my place.. Can you imagine how hurt I was? He was like forsaking me for his mother. It is like given the stupid scenario when me and his mum are drowning in the sea, who would he save? He had chosen his mother!!!

Throughout the whole session in the car, i was crying, trying to rationalise with him. But he did not in anyway, console me or make me feel that I'm important to him. I asked him then you are willing to let me go and everything just bcos of this? And he said yes.

Anyway, I didn't know y, I just gave in and said nvm, its ok, just take it as I nvr say b4 and will just stay together...


New Member
Hi Patricia,

Before you both plan get married, the housing issue did not surfaced?

For me, from the day we got together, we sort of very openly laid down our cards. Very honest with each other on marriage life, in-laws issue etc.

So i am resigned to the fate that I will be staying with my MIL. Now we are going thru the marriage prep course and we talk about this in-laws topic.

I am happy to know that he accepts that after our wedding, i'm his immediate family while his mum is an extended family member. Also, we will buy our own place and his mum will shift in with us after his sis get married.

It will be better for you to sort out this in-laws issue before you really get married.


New Member
i agree with can't be that the housing issue was never mentioned rite? or it was never taken seriously when it was mentioned previously?

you shouldn't have given the situation to let your FH to choose between you and his mother. if he chooses you over his mother, would you still love him that much knowing that he is doing things against his parents wishes?

but i'm glad you are considerate eventually and is willing to 'sacrifice' yourself to salvage the whole situation.

i know saying is easy and in my case, i also have to stay with my in-laws first later this year after my customary. my new flat will only arrive in another 3 years time.

i know staying with them is not easy cos i stayed over on weekends now but what to do? imagine on weekends i also can't sleep late cos my MIL has the traditional mentality that a woman should always get up early to prepare for things..haiz!

anyway, hopefully, your MIL will change her mind in the future..good luck


New Member
dear all,

Yes, we have spoken abt it b4 and he said that he can't promise me anything but will try. Which he did. The moment he mentioned abt selling the current house, the mother blew up and even left the house for a few hours. Then a day after, quesiton me instead on y her son suddenly wanted to sell the house. My MIL isn't even open for discussion.

tulip, at least, u guys are getting ur own house. We aren't. I'm gonna b staying at their house. I'm like second citizen in the house you know. And the best thing of all is he has a elder brother who's married and has 2 sons. Both staying with us instead of with them. They are weekend parents. When I'm at his place, I'm like confined in my bedroom. Its not my house...

supergal, glad tat you'll be having ur new flat soon. Lucky for you. I have to 'sacrifice' cos I have no choice. I can deconflict as much as possible at this moment or even near future. But when there's my own kids involved, I forsee alot of problems when it comes to discipline. At this moment, I already can't tolerate how my FH's newphews are being discipline by my PIL... I'll b having alot of hard time when I have my own kids..

I hope things will get better too.. Infact there are many other issues with my PIL in regards to our wedding and also after that. My FH is to b posted to states for work for 2 years and I was supposed to go with him. We intend to rend out the whole house and my PIL and the 2 nephews should b shifted back to my BroIL place during the 2 years. However, my SisIL says they can shift up but not the rest of the 'rubbish' belonging to my PIL. After hearing so, my PIL was unhappy and now deciding to stay put at our current house.. If thats the case, we can't rent out the whole house and renting out rooms is out of the question knowing my PIL's character. If thats the case, its gonna play short our passive income which we intend to use it to reno the house when we come back after 2 years. Can you imagine how much we can get out of the rental? $2000/mth can come up to almost $50K after 2 years and plus interest?

I dunno wat to do. Talk to FH, he listen but can't do anything. Talk to much, he feels pressured and then is he going to call off everything again?

Thank you all for giving me a listening ear.. infact after this big issue, my r/s with my FH seems to have faded abit.. guess after hearing all this from him, do I still love him that much, knowing tat i'm not his top priority..


New Member
i dun like my in-law side too...... and i never never wanna live with them..... they are the type of people who keep asking for money.... esp my FH's sister.......

my FH is very kind hearted person..... and very xiao soon..... so when the sister mention she wanna go oversea study.... my FH gave her all our saving for our house..... that account to more than 200k and we had to postpone our wedding from 2 years ago to next year..... one day before we need to pay deposit for the house, the sister threaten(in a very nice way) that she will take money from her parents retirement fund if we dun help her. (my in-law is veryvery old.....) Because of this, i still have to go for ABORTION because our savingS for house, wedding and baby is ALL GIVEN TO HER.

therefore.... you should know my haterad in me...... but now i still haven legally married into the family..... so......patricia....... my advise...... bear with it!!!!...... till you get married...........

by then u'll have the power...... esp if you pregnant.......=P

just wait....... the time will come..... =)


New Member
so what we woman is not their priority....... most importantly is to GET WHAT YOU WANT

just remember, once married...... everything regarding the law is in our side =)

i really love my husband..... and i know he loves me...... but he did something hurtful to me becos of his family..... IM A HUMAN ALSO..... LIKE HER SISTER... I ALSO HUMAN..... =)

so... what to do?...... bear with it..... till the time comes where ITS MY TIME TO GET WHAT I WAN =)


New Member
patricia, be strong..though i understand it's hard to stay in a house like what you described. sometimes really have to resign to fate that we fall in love with this man who has such a choice! you love him, you must love his family. sigh...

i guess when i officially move in after october this year, i will work late and come home late every day and weekend, just get up early, do the housework and out the house i go..haiz..saying is always so easy..


New Member
Hi Patricia,

If you can buy your own house, will you mind if your PIL move in and stay with you?

As supergal said, the saying is always so easy. Best can avoid staying with in-laws and maintain a healthy relationship. Even staying with our parents can cause conflicts, what more with people we are not familiar with in their lifestyle.

But since you are going to the States with your hubby, i suggest you let go of the rental issue. Close 2 eyes if you can.

Sometimes, is not just LOVE to sustain a relationship. LOVE is afterall a feeling that is affected by external environment. So if your bottomline is you just cannot live with your in-laws, then i really suggest you reconsider your options.

For me, my bottomline is he must buy our own place and let us settle ourselves to newly married life before his mum comes over. And at all times, no matter what circumstances, he cannot chide me in front of his family members. Whatever wrong i did, is behind the closed door then talk.

If you keep thinking you are sacrificing, it is quite dangerous. You may build up resentment unknowingly and can be a bomb trigger anytime.


New Member
Hi all

I'm having a little proble wit future MIL. getting married jan 2010 and as now me n HTB is looking ard for flat and plan to stay at in laws place for mayb a year or a few months while we get our lovenest. my future FIL is ok with me staying with them as he doesn't wan his son to so call marry into my family if he stays at my mum's place. but my future MIL is against it she say she dun feel comfortable with a stranger staying with her n is worried about in laws probelms where she heard alot from her friends.

we r not even staying together now n she reject me already how to even get along in future?


New Member
mrs wen lim

i dun think she is rejecting you. But her concern is valid. Stay together definitely will have some conflicts from the day-to-day living.

can try rental. dun read too much into ur MIL's action. i think she's harmless


New Member
did FIL & MIL discuss..?? both of them want differ thing.. which make things very difficult for both ur HTB & you!


New Member
Hi. Sorry to intrude.

We have been ROMed for some time liao and also not staying with parents... All along I have been staying outside myself till after ROMed my hubby stay with me and now we are waiting for out flat.

Our parents did not say anything in staying with them or what but its like they know what we want.. so they also did not comment on anything.


New Member
Hi tulips, elsie & cynthia

my MIL want us to buy a flat of our own and stay by ourselfs. but looking at the HDB market now the flats are so expensive and we have yet seen anything that we like.

my FH have a last discussion with PIL and MIL seem to feel that i'm lazier den her (cos she is a full time hsewife n she is a clean freak) so she does not wan to have any conflict with me.

my FH just decided that since MIL can't accept me staying with her, we shall stay with my mum for the time being until we get our own house in mayb 1-2 years time. infact my mum want us to stay with her and doesn't mind & doesn't worry about in laws problems.

Christy: it's good that parents leave to u to decide. good for you


New Member
its ture that staying with in laws will have a set of problems. as long as your MIL is OK that your FH stay with your parents after AD will be fine.

now, looking for flats is hard so your MIL should understand that.


New Member
the main problem is that we have to go ahead with staying at my mum's place even if she dun agree. she also dun understand that it's diff to find a flat now. due to that she din work for the past 30 years since she is married to my FIL so she is not aware of wad is really happening in the society now.


New Member
mrs wen lim,

the resale price for HDB is coming down, so don't despair. we are also looking at resale and we getting married in nov this year.


New Member
tulips,congrates to u.

we hope so can find a love nest of our own soon. last friday just viewed one of the unit and it's calling at 220k for 67sqm but the condition is so bad that we may end up having to spend alot of renos so din take up the unit. hopefully more units will be coming up soon.


New Member
sometimes we live in the same world having different fate and wanting each other's fate. Just like me and Mrs Wen Lim.

I want to stay out and start my own family with my hubby, having our own house. But yet Mrs Wen Lim wants to stay with In Laws..

Wish we could exchange our fate ya?


New Member
well, not really wan to change fate. To me i feel that since at this moment we are planning to get our own flat in 2years time den staying with in laws is only a temp measure since in law doesn't wan my bf to stay with my mum to prevent gossips.

anyway my FIL have come to accept that my bf is still going to move to my mum's place before we get a flat of our own.


New Member
Hi Patricia,

I can understand your feeling coz i am facing the same situation as u.

All along his parents have been really nice to me but the only thing that puts me off is their hygience. Talk to MIL nicely, she either argue or just simply smile back at me. Long story, got chance then share with you.

Same like you, on and off his niece and nephew like to stay over in our house instead of their own house. Nowadays when I am back home, it seems like going to chalet.

I just realized that I have become like you, would head in to my bedroom to do my laundry or watch TV Programmes whenever I am back home.

Our customary wedding is late this year but I am so scare that I would become a runaway bride.

Hope this would not happen to me as it did happened to one of my guy friend. At the wedding banquet, the bride just went missing. The best part is she even went thru the tea ceremony.

Luckily, later he met another woman and they got married.


New Member
Hi Patricia,

Me too went thru exactly as you. After ROM, I stayed at the house that owned by my FH and his MUM. I am exactly like 2nd class citizen worst than renting a room. She has 2 daughters and my FH is the only son(youngest). One of the married off daughter will come back EVERYDAY for dinner and the one at home treat me like transparent. They are just continuing their previous lifestyle without any change for her son's marriage.

Me and FH almost call off the customary due to the fact my FH didnt understand the need of having our own house and he put more priority of giving a warm house for his mum. I felt exactly the same as you, my FH saved his mum instead of me in the sea! My heart is broken! But I told myself to be strong, I know my FH needs more time!

However, these are past history because I had endured all the way (3yrs) till I get pregnant and finally my FH can see the needs and important of having our own house.

What I want to tell you is, some men are just needed more time for them to acccept you as their part of his life instead of his "previous home". And eventually he will understand your feeling and understand the situation of his responsibility of giving you a home. Your role is to constantly communicate with your FH to let him know your feeling and share with him your thought.

Eventually we sold off the flat and now we are staying in a new flat under me & my FH's name and we stay together with my MIL. Of coz on & off still have argument with my MIL but this is MUCH BETTER than staying in her house. No more cooking by her, no more daily dinner affair for her daughters. We have a lovely girl now and my MIL is taking care of her. This is our real new home setup by us.

Good luck to you Patricia!


New Member
I told my FH that I will treat his parents like my parents - must be equal.

My FH totally doesn't want me to move in and stay with his parents because he told me that his parents will vomit blood if I stay with them just like how I treat my parents since I said equal treatment.

It's not that I treat my parents badly (instead I love my parents) but I do nag at my parents if they did something wrong. So he said that if I started nagging to his parents, his parents sooner or later will vomit blood since I can nag (explain why they are in the wrong because it's very difficult to make elderly admit their mistakes, the problem it will lead to if they always think they are correct, how problem occurs with their wrong mindset, how to counter this when this problem arises again, etc) from morning to night repeating the reasonings to them till they admit they are in the wrong.

But no, I didn't shout at them. I told them nicely.


New Member
I suppose I'm facing the same probs as many of u...I'm going to ROM in dec this year, wedding dinner will most likely be next year.

After marriage, I'll have to stay with PIL, that wasn't even an option that I could choose in the first FH insisted that we stay with them.

I just wanna ask, will things going to be better if we get our flat but with my PIL still staying with us? Actually I don't see any difference, conflicts will still arise, and worse still, if they make my house dirty, I'll be even more pissed...isn't that so?


New Member
hey Violet, im also going to ROM in Dec :D

well, initially, i have TONs of problem with my future inlaw.. there is TONs of thing tat i don like abt her interfering.. i have a feeling tat she is trying to make thing difficult for me.. even tat things when wrong but not my problem, she will some how link it to me and say is my fault..

Worst thing... my bf not siding me.. not even comfort me down..

I guess a lot of thing is not really who is right or wrong but is just a diffidence option and the generation gaps with in-laws.. Husband plays a BIG part here..

just wanna share my story :p
one day, i cant tolerate the nonsense anymore and declare a 'war' out.. :p (is bad, don try) i pour out all my hard feeling to my bf, dig out all the past incidents.. don know why/how, he went to tell his mother (he didnt handle it well)
and my relationship with her mother turns VERY sour..

After a few days, when she is more cool down, his 2 sisters and grandma step-in and talk to her.. telling her what she done wrong.. like parents must learn to let go their child, let us do our own things, plan our own future and respect us... etc etc..

T/a one of his sis talked to me too, ya got lectured.. i don agreed on some points but for the sake of my bf, im willing to try to get along.. They hinted me tat their mother is quite ok now, so i initial a lunch.

During the lunch, we didnt talk much, cos its very weird for the two of us.. i bought her a bracelet, trying to treat her nicely.. it turns out well.. T/a there are also a few attempt of me asking her out for dinner.. well its hard for me :p

now, i wont say tat our relationship is prefect, but i guess so much tat we have to learn to respect each other.. esp me.. it kind of unavoidable tat i sure to have disagreement with her, but i learn tat to tell her nicely on the spots, if she become unreasonable, i just stop..

initially, my bf really VERY bad abt handling the both of us. After a few mths of learning, he is better.. we took up courses, listen to pple advise on how to handle situations..

it is really abt communications.. opps.. too long-winder.. :p


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My gf and i are currently planning wedding in a year or 2. it has been postponed since a yr ago due to paying for lots of misc stuff, doc for her and using up all my savings. ard 4k

now i've been feeling very stressed cos she doesnt seem to help with the planning, she only tells me what she wants i have to deal with everything.

She gives all her salary to her mum, so apparently. So im expected to pay for the whole wedding.

she doesn't even try to save up abit. even tho i told her, even abit helps.

tell me save money, next moment spend hundreds on skin care products shoes clothes accessories.

been compromising everything for he wedding and following her mums every f**king instruction.

her mum insists she wants banquet, i hate those wayang banquets, but f**k i just follow suit.

fine, she say no need to exp. and im really not well to do, and having spent so much on her doc fees etc, found a lists of acceptable restaurants/hotels after alot of hard work and her unreasonable comments. filtered out a few. ALL HER MUM SAID IS FOOD NOT GOOD ETC=EVERYTHING I FIND GONE DOWN THE DRAIN(AND HER MUM HAVENT EVEN DINNED AT THOSE PLACES BEFORE)

Tell me how this is not trying to make things difficult for me. funny thing is she tells me no need to exp ones. Funny i found u good and not so exp ones u just brushed me off my saying food not good when u didn even dine there before. even funnier shit happens, her relative held a wedding at one of those that she commented food not good and she suddenly changes her mind. (SHE DIDNT EVEN ATTEND THE WEDDING)

guess wats the sad part
all this while my gf just gangs up with her mum to make things difficult for me, never for once agreeing with me or supporting me.

she can agree with me one moment and next moment her mum says something she wants me to do it her way.

not like im not accomodating enough. i already followed all her mums wishes.

might as well she get married with her mum
and we agreed she will move in my parents place cos theres really no ideal flats right now.

and guess WHAT, one day she told me after marriage she wants to stay with her mum 4 F**KING DAYS A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tell me what the f**k marriage is this???!!!


New Member
kiat.. which country she is from? Din she know that in SG .. it needs 2 person to work out a marriage.. especially in housing and financial..

i can feel the toughness u going thru.. alot of things to pay off..

When come to banquet. also expensive.. perhap u can try restaurant. instead of hotels..


New Member
Shes local. K for the finance no choice I just tell myself to work harder. But seriously she wants to stay over at her mums place 4 days a wk after marriage. Which is damn ridiculous. I will understand if her mum is I'll and needs care but that's not the case. And her mums not even staying alone she still has her dad and elder bro.

Isn't this like a empty shell marriage. I even agreed if she wants to stay like 2 days a wk at her mums it's fine. But 4 days is to extreme at first he even said weekdays she stay at her mums then weekends stay at mine. What kind of marriage is this???!!!

She doesnt even spare a thought for my feelings and won't budge on this.


@kiat: If I were you, I will seriously reconsider if I want to be married to such a woman. If before marriage, things are this bad...what will happen to you after the wedding dinner?

Planning weddings is already a very stressful affair so both parties have to contribute, perhaps not equally but any form of help is highly appreciated. From what I understand of your posts, ur gf sounds like a leech. No offence but yeah. No point draining your savings for someone who can't pay for her own medical bills and who bullies her bf with her mom.


New Member
Hi Patricia and Rainbow,
..i am in the same situation..or maybe worse. I have cohabited with my HTB for 4years+ cos we love each other alot and I wanna be with him everyday. But these 4 years, his family all treat me like transparent..when the mother or father buy food, is only for their precious children. They would give the best part to their elder son and daughter, and the leftovers to my bf and i cos we never give them money. They are super money minded, everytime tell my bf to give money, my bf dun wanna give so they treat him like inferior son. His air-con spoil, they refuse to fix and ask us to sleep with fan while they ownself on air con every night.

And I am like a transparent 2nd class citizen...always hiding in my bf's room.
I am treated like a princess in my own family cos I am the youngest daughter and we stay in a 5 room flat. My brother even hired a maid so I never ever had to do chores. But here his father keep finding fault with me. Instead of treasuring me as his future DIL, he scolds me for not refilling the ice, for cooking egg in the kitchen and etc...a few times i cried and went back to my home. I hate his family so much...

And talking about hygiene there is ZERO hygiene here. Crockroaches everywhere at night in the lying on the table, on the sink or on the floor. And the best thing is the mother only mop the floor once a YEAR. Imagine how gross it is to live here...But i survived.

And I am determined to exclude his family out of my life for good once we get married. I may not even want to do tea ceremony cos I have no respect for them. Especially his father and sister who are the most loud and uncouth bunch of assholes. They made my life hell. I remember there was once I tried to make things better between me and his dad. I bought a box of kueh for his dad and his dad said "ALl these things u all youngsters dun eat so give to us" instead of saying "THank You". Since that day onward I stopped doing stupid things like tt cos tt asshole wun appreciate it. I rather flush my money down the toilet bowl!

Plus, I will not have reunion dinner with them in future..nor will i let my kids be taken care by them because their house is so filthy. I don't care what they say behind my back becos these 4 years i bet they alr said alot. So let it be. I am not the traditional kind of person so to me, if u show me respect, i will show u respect. If u treat me like shit, even if u r an elder I will not give u face.

Anyway, maybe this is their retribution. Their precious elder son and daughter are unlikely to marry cos the sister is one cranky bitch and the brother plays computer games all day..both are alr 30ish. I will not acknowledge them as my family. To me, I only have my family..those tt love and dote on me. Not them.


New Member
I don't understand why MILs always treat their sons like 10 year old boys, and if there's anything wrong with their previous little boy, they will say that it's our fault.

We make them tired cos we keep them awake and never let their sons rest enough. We never feed them good food, we never feed them on time. Like seriously.