Problematic Situations

[er0swoes]

Hi all,

Being pondering about these few problems these few weeks. Hope that i could get a listening ear or advice over here.

First and foremost, i in the late thirties working in a company where my SIL is my direct boss and working in the same room as my wife. Married for almost 10 years

Issue 1, arguments with my wife had been increasing lately. It could be on minor bad habits that we bicker on and it rolled on to bigger arguments. Habits could be not keeping the house tidy or slamming the room door when frustrations occurr

Issue 2, working methods differ greatly with my SIL and i. Being a career and traditional women, most decisions are made based on emotional feelings. Got used to it, however there are times when disagreements occur, i got fed up and verge my frustrations on my stuffs and i got a ear full from my wife.

Issue 3, since the day we got together we have being with each other almost 24/7 except when we were working separately in the early days. Now it seems that more issues cropped up due to working too closely together. Work and life got all mixed up.

i wanted to leave 2 years ago but when i brought it up i was given a mind full from my SIL. Now even if i wanted to leave, society is merciless especially with employees with older age.

Lastly, we have contrasting personality. Wife coming from a more career minded family normally uses working style and theories (sometimes theories only with no action) to handle family issues. Myself i am more emotional hence i engage problems head on most of the time, talking it out (whether there is a solution or not)

I'm at my wits, hope peers here can share some light.

Thank you

 

[kumara]

Look for ways out of the company. Clearly SIL doesn't appreciate you at work and so is wife now. It's better for you to leave the workplace now and save whatever good is left in the r'ship with wife.

Or, do only the basic minimum at work and snake off often. Offer to deal with out of office errands etc. Get out of the office as much as you can.

 

[jkwedding308]

Hi all,

Being pondering about these few problems these few weeks. Hope that i could get a listening ear or advice over here.

First and foremost, i in the late thirties working in a company where my SIL is my direct boss and working in the same room as my wife. Married for almost 10 years

Issue 1, arguments with my wife had been increasing lately. It could be on minor bad habits that we bicker on and it rolled on to bigger arguments. Habits could be not keeping the house tidy or slamming the room door when frustrations occurr

Issue 2, working methods differ greatly with my SIL and i. Being a career and traditional women, most decisions are made based on emotional feelings. Got used to it, however there are times when disagreements occur, i got fed up and verge my frustrations on my stuffs and i got a ear full from my wife.

Issue 3, since the day we got together we have being with each other almost 24/7 except when we were working separately in the early days. Now it seems that more issues cropped up due to working too closely together. Work and life got all mixed up.

i wanted to leave 2 years ago but when i brought it up i was given a mind full from my SIL. Now even if i wanted to leave, society is merciless especially with employees with older age.

Lastly, we have contrasting personality. Wife coming from a more career minded family normally uses working style and theories (sometimes theories only with no action) to handle family issues. Myself i am more emotional hence i engage problems head on most of the time, talking it out (whether there is a solution or not)

I'm at my wits, hope peers here can share some light.

Thank you

You mentioned verging out your frustrations to your wife when disagreements occur.. Such vents can be counterproductive especially when both of you are already emotionally tensed and each of you would naturally feel that you're right respectively. Rather than penting it up all inside and only "releasing" it out during arguments, have a healthy habit to openly discuss issues during normal times when both of you are more likely to be more rational and accepting to hear each other out as opposed to when you're both arguing.. Don't bicker about bad habits - talk about them nicely and take the initiative to change any bad habits that you may have and your wife may likely reciprocate in the same manner. Yes, it can be a very gray zone when life and work get mixed up together. Discuss with your wife regarding what you've observed and set together some boundaries to safeguard your personal marriage relationship from that of a professional work relationship. Come up with a list of personal things that you can both agree not to discuss or talk about while you're at work and similarly a list of work-related matters that you're both happy to leave in the office and not bring home to talk further.

Sorry but I do not agree with @kumara 's suggestion of just doing the bare minimum of work and snaking off often. This is clearly an avoidance form of response and will not solve the issue at hand. You need to get to the root of the problem. Avoidance may help superficially initially but there's the potential that it may actually worsen the situation when your wife and SIL notice your avoidance pattern. You will then likely be accused or blamed for not being more responsible or taking more initiative. More arguments will ensue and you will now have another new issue to add on to your already growing list of problems.

If all attempts and efforts should fail, try seeking marriage counselling. It will be a third party who can see both your views from his/her neutral lenses and can hopefully then offer some unbiased insight and perspective, which will hopefully restore the relationship between you and your wife...

 

[kumara]

I agree that basic minimum and snaking off is avoidance - I'd suggest that only if TS has no way out of the work position. Sooner or later, wifey and SIL will notice it and make lots of noise. Well, let them 'fire' him loh! I personally would do this if I have no way out but want out.

It feels like TS is really stuck in a rut. Get out of it or suck it up. I just can't see a way to persuade SIL to lose her attitude. Wife maybe, but probably not SIL.

 

[jkwedding308]

I agree that basic minimum and snaking off is avoidance - I'd suggest that only if TS has no way out of the work position. Sooner or later, wifey and SIL will notice it and make lots of noise. Well, let them 'fire' him loh! I personally would do this if I have no way out but want out.

It feels like TS is really stuck in a rut. Get out of it or suck it up. I just can't see a way to persuade SIL to lose her attitude. Wife maybe, but probably not SIL.

Yes, that is potentially a way out - but only from the job aspect.. If that approach is taken, I can only foresee the marriage relationship getting even more strained than before with more problems.. That method can "solve" one problem but it will only worsen the other...

 

[er0swoes]

Thanks for the reply.

Week in and out has not been smooth sailing especially when both parties have different school of thoughts and more indifferent when one is more emotionally and the other theoretically.

However i do take of inputs. I have been trying to surpass my anger and trying to talk it out however sometimes i would face a load of theories back at my face or one ear in the other ear out. Take for example i was always worried her being knocked down or fell through the train gap as her habit of engaging the phone almost anywhere. However, i have repeatedly voice out but still fall on deaf ear.

Ultimately, all the frictions are really testing the limits. Marriage counselling may not be an option as she is not someone who would pour her true feelings. Because somethings she feel that she should not behave in which society is not acceptable.

There are generally a few types of people, 1) one who behave and act which society perceives and accepts 2) one who behave and act more emotionally. i guess my wife acts like option one and me myself as option 2. Hence, mode of running is always a government vs a activists

 

[er0swoes]

Smooth sailing only last 2 months

Again its work issue which cause the friction. Made a mistake in work and was telling her on the problem. Went abit too long winded going into details and was told to stop as the talk is going nowhere and should think of a solution to resolve instead of talking. was abit taken back as I'm just bothered by the mistake and wanted a listening ear.

Am I too sensitive that there is a big communication breakdown? Or simply its the start of the end of the road

 

[buddhabar]

I always think it's not a good thing to work with spouse , especially in family business. You can't draw the line. Talking about work from office to lunch to dinning table and worst in bed.....
TS, you should seriously consider leaving your job else ..... you may end up leaving your marriage.

 

[jkwedding308]

Smooth sailing only last 2 months

Again its work issue which cause the friction. Made a mistake in work and was telling her on the problem. Went abit too long winded going into details and was told to stop as the talk is going nowhere and should think of a solution to resolve instead of talking. was abit taken back as I'm just bothered by the mistake and wanted a listening ear.

Am I too sensitive that there is a big communication breakdown? Or simply its the start of the end of the road

Your wife isn't aware of your need to be listened to. She probably assumed the "practical" side of things and thought that the reason you were discussing the problem at work was to get to a solution hence why she told you not to beat around the bush (you yourself acknowledged that is was a bit too long-winded) but to think of how to resolve the issue. As you mentioned that it was smooth-sailing for past 2 months, this single isolated incident should not be viewed as a communication breakdown per se but just that both you and your wife need to work on your emotional and practical needs being made aware to and met by the other party. When you were stopped by your wife as you discussed the problem at work, did you explain to your wife that the primary reason you're telling her is not because you want a solution but because you merely wanted a listening ear? If you didn't, you cannot expect her to read your mind and on the other hand, she probably thought that she was doing you a favour by helping you refocus at the problem at hand to derive at a solution faster...

 

[er0swoes]

I always think it's not a good thing to work with spouse , especially in family business. You can't draw the line. Talking about work from office to lunch to dinning table and worst in bed.....
TS, you should seriously consider leaving your job else ..... you may end up leaving your marriage.

Yup i do agree. i'm working on it. There are alot of factors involved too not only career or $ alone. i'm starting a short course of my interest and hopefully there could be a career change if not at least some time away from constantly with each other.

Ultimately, its a fact you have mentioned, its a matter of how to leave the job and having the courage to plunge into the corporate world again at my age.

 

[er0swoes]

Your wife isn't aware of your need to be listened to. She probably assumed the "practical" side of things and thought that the reason you were discussing the problem at work was to get to a solution hence why she told you not to beat around the bush (you yourself acknowledged that is was a bit too long-winded) but to think of how to resolve the issue. As you mentioned that it was smooth-sailing for past 2 months, this single isolated incident should not be viewed as a communication breakdown per se but just that both you and your wife need to work on your emotional and practical needs being made aware to and met by the other party. When you were stopped by your wife as you discussed the problem at work, did you explain to your wife that the primary reason you're telling her is not because you want a solution but because you merely wanted a listening ear? If you didn't, you cannot expect her to read your mind and on the other hand, she probably thought that she was doing you a favour by helping you refocus at the problem at hand to derive at a solution faster...

jk,
i guess that stems with her personality. previously i wanted solutions now its just a rant. I guess in certain ways i did make an effort to make the change. And i did mention later i just needed a rant. Technically, in most cases, i'm normally a person who is more forefront and readily to give suggestions which my wife is the opposite. Thats why after the post was up since Mar, quite abit of reflections are done. Anger management control is done. But seems all was rosy for 2 months till yesterday episode,

actually deep down i know that the root of the issue was to not work together which can work miracles but as mentioned its easier said than done. But i did try baby steps.

 

[jkwedding308]

jk,
i guess that stems with her personality. previously i wanted solutions now its just a rant. I guess in certain ways i did make an effort to make the change. And i did mention later i just needed a rant. Technically, in most cases, i'm normally a person who is more forefront and readily to give suggestions which my wife is the opposite. Thats why after the post was up since Mar, quite abit of reflections are done. Anger management control is done. But seems all was rosy for 2 months till yesterday episode,

actually deep down i know that the root of the issue was to not work together which can work miracles but as mentioned its easier said than done. But i did try baby steps.

Yes, you did take baby steps... But as they say, desperate times call for desperate measures... It's time to bump up the talk with your wife with the possibility of changing job. Yes, it's easier said than done but it won't be completely impossible... All the best!