Post marital affair - How much trying is enough?

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by MoveOn, Nov 5, 2018.

  1. MoveOn

    MoveOn New Member

    I can’t decide what’s right. I tried looking for couples with similar scenario but I can’t. Can you help me?

    I have been married for 10 years (2008-2018) and dated 3 years (2005-2008). In 2016, my husband chose to relocate to China for a work promotion and the intention was for me to join him with our kids after a year. I literally gave birth to our second child one month before he left and so we thought it makes more sense for me to stay in SG for better support first.

    When we visited him in China for a month during my maternity leave, I found out that he was cheating on me. I gradually found out even more over the next 1.5 years that he has actually been cheating on me since 2006, one year after we dated. He basically started from porn to HJ/BJ massages to full service prostitutes which eventually led to 2 affairs with prostitutes (2014, 2015-2016). Prior to that, he has no history of cheating or such practices.

    How I found out all these were through my own investigation which I verified with him. He has never been upfront on these informations as he claims he doesn’t want to hurt me further *bullshit*. I am pretty sure he and the last affair prostitute are no longer together and he has been free from cheating the past 1.5 years. He claims he won’t cheat again and the difference is because he has been discovered. He was in sin previously as no one knew and he got bolder and it became a downward spiral. In terms of what broke down between us, mainly it was because I was fat and he finds fat ppl a turn off.

    Friends have commented he seems to have become nicer. He spends time with family, nice to ppl ard us and more respectful to my parents. However, I can’t seem to move on. I am not able to convince myself that he has done enough to save the marriage especially when he has never been upfront and honest about whatever that have happened and just wants to move on and he has not shown consistent signs of placing family/me in first place. He said a lot of mean things to me as well which I find it hard to forget.

    What would u do? How do I know if he has done enough to save the marriage but it is only me who is not willing to forgive and move on?

  2. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Hi there, men can seperate sex and love & marriage. Note that you can no longer us adultery as reason for divorce beyond 6 months, based on Section 95 (5)(b), of the Women’s Charter.

    The real alarm bells is how little respect he gives you. Does this man even respect you as his partner? Its not true that porn will lead to affairs, and HJ, paid services that he had went to. Its him and probably also the group of 'friends' he is with.

    Porn isn't evil, in fact, its a much needed avenue for some men that wants to remain faithful to a woman that doesn't reciprocate his needs for sex. It where most of us learn sex as teens from. Sexual incompatibility is a real concern for many couples. Especially after a miscarry or child birth, some women might even avoid it altogether.

    Moving ahead, what is stopping him from cheating again? It seems, the marriage, the family, the trust and relationship is not worth more than his thrust. A leopard doesn't change his spots. You need to sort out your thoughts and evaluate carefully. IF you need to be convince, think why. Is it really you or because he isn't assuring you. There isn't a simple solution, you guys need to work it out if both are committed towards it. It always take 2 to tango.
  3. MoveOn

    MoveOn New Member

    Thank you @miloice. What is a realistic expectation I should have from him? Many websites says that he should go all out to save the marriage. What is going all out?
  4. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    well i was damn surprised to hear that porn can lead to affairs or cheating, rightfully if the guy can jerk off to porn, he should have no more bullets to carry out any physical act.

    sexual incompatibility is a serious problem nowadays.
    however most couples just brush it off as "love will conquer everything", well sometimes life is not that simple after all.
  5. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    if you are unsure of his efforts then you probably need to throw him some ultimatum such as he leaves china for you.
    a capable man can always rebuild his career again.

    and should he agree, frankly speaking perhaps you should also do your part in keeping him interested in you.

    a marriage works both ways, the moment one party gets lazy, chances are unhappiness just builds up.
    well if the words hurts too much then perhaps is time to cut your losses.
  6. MoveOn

    MoveOn New Member

    Thanks @arsenal_84. He is actually back now as his 2 years expat contract has ended. But before that, I did ask him to leave China and come back to save the marriage. He said he can’t break his contract but willing to compromise by coming back every alternate weekend. If I insist that that is not enough, then I can leave.

    Actually, even saying this out now to you, it feels like the joke is on me...
  7. arsenal_84

    arsenal_84 Member

    since he is back, you probably need to learn how to move on.

    if possible, a man should have all the fun before he decides to commit to a relationship.
    however life is not so straight forward in cases such as yours, cause some men do stray into the dark side once they settle down or experienced a sudden increase of disposable income.
  8. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    What is realistic for one couple might not for another. Put it bluntly, he cheated and wanted to rebuild. It is on his court to regain the confidence and trust. Ask yourself, how can you trust him again. What does it take? If something is impt, there is no question what is all out. Whatever it takes, if its so important. no? Often, people drag their feet because its advantageous for them to keep status quo.
  9. Sillywomen

    Sillywomen New Member

    Actually, now he is back. Are u all having sex regularly?

    Before u think whether is he doing enough, u sure is is clean? He doesn't have any affair or women outside Now?

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