Hi
I have been following this forum for a while and some of the advice given by fellow forummers are really helpful. I have finally decided to post my story here as I need help to move on.
I am not sure how to start and how to relate my story.
I have been in a relationship for about 8 years now and it has been a rocky one. The last few years have been really bad and perhaps it is cumulative but any small trivial trigger point is enough to set my husband and I into a quarelling mode and sometimes, fighting mode.
He would use the word - divorce - to spite me everytime but never actually do it. Deep inside me, I still love him enough to forgive everytime but after confiding to a buddy who used to be very close to me, she told me that I should not allow someone close to me to hurt me deeply in this manner.
We are staying apart for a few months now (unintentionally as he needs to work in another country and I want to be home to attend to visit my family).
Many friends that I met up during this period of time asked me about kids. Deep inside, I know we can't have kids if our relationship remains so rocky. Happened to speak to a friend whom I used to confide in and she asked me to consider carefully about my marriage and whether the man is worth it.
We have always argued about money matters and I suppose this is the key reason why he brought up divorce. We have different views on money management among many other things.
I gave him a huge loan a few years back as his family needed the money to tide things through. His own savings were already depleted as he bought an apartment for his parents (fully paid in cash) and paid for most of the renovation. He had also naively encouraged his parents to invest their pension in equities.
If managed properly, it would be a good move but they invested all (pension + proceeds of sale of old apartment) of it into equities. They had bad luck as market dipped and crashed a few months later and coincidentally, his dad became very ill and required a huge sum of money for his medical bills.
My family and close friends learnt about this and they were not too happy with my decision about the loan, especially my family.
My family argued that they could have mortgaged/sold their new apartment or their few properties to get the cash but MIL didn't want to do it. My family said if MIL wasn't willing to do this for her own husband, they would not do anything for me if I need the money back urgently next time.
There were other small incidents in-between and my close friends felt that he was selfish and my actions weren't appreciated by his family and more importantly, himself. I guess he took it for granted.
Somehow, I had found out that he dabbled in margin trading and lost heavily. After he lost heavily, he told me he would quit but I found out that he continued secretly (as I opposed to it) all along and he had lost even more. His reason for continuing was that he needed money for the escalating medical bills and if there could be rags-to-riches cases, he could be one of them if he had more practice/experience. I told him that if one doesn't know how or cannot bear to cut loss, it is not easy to generate money from such avenues but of course, he couldn't understand this. His parents supported him as they felt that he is doing everything for their sake.
Recently, I needed cash due to some matters at home and when I talked to him about it, he told me to mind my own business and not get involved if I do not have insufficient savings. As it involves my own family, I wanted to help out in any way that I can but we would always end up quarrelling about it. He told me that he doesn't have money to pay me back and if my family matters doesn't involve life and death, I shouldn't get involved if I don't have the means.
He has recently gotten a new job that pays well and I knew he is still regularly dabbling in margin trading (pumping in money and probably still losing) and recently, he is considering new investments so I think he has some extra spare cash but he is not making extra efforts to pay me back. I am not expecting him to pay me back everything but I certainly did not expect his callous response.
I have also found out that he has been lying to me about his financial status and hiding many things from me.
For eg, he told me that his new job did not pay well. I helped him to check around and I thought he was indeed lowly paid until I stumbled across some information in the home during spring-cleaning that showed otherwise. I asked him about it and he became so furious which surprised me. He accused me of infringing his privacy (?) and looking up on his stuff without his permission (??). I should be the one who is angry about him lying and not helping me out with my family matters.
We will quarrel about the same issues everytime and he will always mention divorce without fail. I told him not to mention it if he does not intend to do it but he will always say it to spite me. Like someone in the forum who aptly puts it, it is like a broken recorder that goes over and over again.
I skipped many incidents and details as I think my story is getting a bit long.
The time apart has made me think about our relationship. We have extremely different views on things now and it seems that we are unable to compromise and give in to each other anymore. He kept saying he couldn't trust me anymore but looking back, I don't think I have did anything to betray that trust. On the contrary, he was the one who had time and again betrayed my trust in him by his lies and untruthfulness. I have always believed in communication and not hiding things from each other but he couldn't do it. Now, he blames me for everything even though his bad temper is at fault most of the times. I admit I have a strong temper as well but I do not want to give in when I am not in the wrong.
I feel that our marriage is turning out like his parents'. Not trusting each other, quarrelling until the whole neighbourhod is aware, hiding things from each other, threatening divorce until old age, etc. I can't possibly put up with this until old age because it is so draining emotionally and making me very sick, tired and mentally-exhausted.
I also felt that his inability to manage his parents' expectations is suffocating us. I knew MIL has never liked me. She is domineering. He is the only child and she is overly-protective of him even until now. He does not speak up for me in front of her as she will do emotional blackmail if she feels that she is losing her son. In the past before we got married, she will hang up the telephone in their home and switch off the power in his mobile after 11pm so that I am not able to reach him. I knew he wasn't asleep as he used to call me late at night but it annoyed MIL and she told him our chats disturbed her sleep so he ended up surfing the internet to pass time. There was another time, husband and I were holding hands and talking about silly jokes and walking with MIL from point A to B. (We were already married for a few years at that time) She suddenly grabbed him aside and she held his hands instead. I remembered this incident vividly coz he asked her in surprise what she was doing - holding his hands in that manner. She said very loudly (possibly for me to hear) - "What's wrong with a mother holding her son's hand?" - And the both of them walked in front of me holding hands throughout the journey. I brushed it off as a funny incident and told it as a joke to my mum and close friends about this. They said that his mum must be jealous but all felt that he could have handled everything in a better way so that MIL will not see me in such a negative light but he is not making any attempts to do so. Perhaps he is somehow flattered by the attention from his mum.
From the many incidents, I knew our marriage has broken down irrevocably. It takes 2 hands to clap and for our marriage to end up in this manner, I am responsible for it as well. I have already told my family about everything and they are protective of me and supported the divorce. Deep inside, I still harbour hopes of reconciling but I know it is impossible looking at the way things have turned out now. Both parties need to forgive and forget the past. He is not even willing to give it a try and I know it will be difficult for me to forgive and forget.
My rational self is telling me that I should just leave him and move on so that I will be happier in life. My emotional self is asking myself if I can do more to salvage the relationship even though it is very clear that he wants out. Today, he has insisted that we file for divorce asap so that everything is over soon in a few months.
My family is concerned that I would not be able to get my money back and want me to get a top lawyer to fight for my best interest. If anyone has any good divorce lawyers to recommend, please drop me a mail. It would be greatly appreciated.
Would also appreciate if anyone can give me a jolt and wake me up. I think it is time to move on after so many unhappy years but I do not know how nor have the courage to.
I have been following this forum for a while and some of the advice given by fellow forummers are really helpful. I have finally decided to post my story here as I need help to move on.
I am not sure how to start and how to relate my story.
I have been in a relationship for about 8 years now and it has been a rocky one. The last few years have been really bad and perhaps it is cumulative but any small trivial trigger point is enough to set my husband and I into a quarelling mode and sometimes, fighting mode.
He would use the word - divorce - to spite me everytime but never actually do it. Deep inside me, I still love him enough to forgive everytime but after confiding to a buddy who used to be very close to me, she told me that I should not allow someone close to me to hurt me deeply in this manner.
We are staying apart for a few months now (unintentionally as he needs to work in another country and I want to be home to attend to visit my family).
Many friends that I met up during this period of time asked me about kids. Deep inside, I know we can't have kids if our relationship remains so rocky. Happened to speak to a friend whom I used to confide in and she asked me to consider carefully about my marriage and whether the man is worth it.
We have always argued about money matters and I suppose this is the key reason why he brought up divorce. We have different views on money management among many other things.
I gave him a huge loan a few years back as his family needed the money to tide things through. His own savings were already depleted as he bought an apartment for his parents (fully paid in cash) and paid for most of the renovation. He had also naively encouraged his parents to invest their pension in equities.
If managed properly, it would be a good move but they invested all (pension + proceeds of sale of old apartment) of it into equities. They had bad luck as market dipped and crashed a few months later and coincidentally, his dad became very ill and required a huge sum of money for his medical bills.
My family and close friends learnt about this and they were not too happy with my decision about the loan, especially my family.
My family argued that they could have mortgaged/sold their new apartment or their few properties to get the cash but MIL didn't want to do it. My family said if MIL wasn't willing to do this for her own husband, they would not do anything for me if I need the money back urgently next time.
There were other small incidents in-between and my close friends felt that he was selfish and my actions weren't appreciated by his family and more importantly, himself. I guess he took it for granted.
Somehow, I had found out that he dabbled in margin trading and lost heavily. After he lost heavily, he told me he would quit but I found out that he continued secretly (as I opposed to it) all along and he had lost even more. His reason for continuing was that he needed money for the escalating medical bills and if there could be rags-to-riches cases, he could be one of them if he had more practice/experience. I told him that if one doesn't know how or cannot bear to cut loss, it is not easy to generate money from such avenues but of course, he couldn't understand this. His parents supported him as they felt that he is doing everything for their sake.
Recently, I needed cash due to some matters at home and when I talked to him about it, he told me to mind my own business and not get involved if I do not have insufficient savings. As it involves my own family, I wanted to help out in any way that I can but we would always end up quarrelling about it. He told me that he doesn't have money to pay me back and if my family matters doesn't involve life and death, I shouldn't get involved if I don't have the means.
He has recently gotten a new job that pays well and I knew he is still regularly dabbling in margin trading (pumping in money and probably still losing) and recently, he is considering new investments so I think he has some extra spare cash but he is not making extra efforts to pay me back. I am not expecting him to pay me back everything but I certainly did not expect his callous response.
I have also found out that he has been lying to me about his financial status and hiding many things from me.
For eg, he told me that his new job did not pay well. I helped him to check around and I thought he was indeed lowly paid until I stumbled across some information in the home during spring-cleaning that showed otherwise. I asked him about it and he became so furious which surprised me. He accused me of infringing his privacy (?) and looking up on his stuff without his permission (??). I should be the one who is angry about him lying and not helping me out with my family matters.
We will quarrel about the same issues everytime and he will always mention divorce without fail. I told him not to mention it if he does not intend to do it but he will always say it to spite me. Like someone in the forum who aptly puts it, it is like a broken recorder that goes over and over again.
I skipped many incidents and details as I think my story is getting a bit long.
The time apart has made me think about our relationship. We have extremely different views on things now and it seems that we are unable to compromise and give in to each other anymore. He kept saying he couldn't trust me anymore but looking back, I don't think I have did anything to betray that trust. On the contrary, he was the one who had time and again betrayed my trust in him by his lies and untruthfulness. I have always believed in communication and not hiding things from each other but he couldn't do it. Now, he blames me for everything even though his bad temper is at fault most of the times. I admit I have a strong temper as well but I do not want to give in when I am not in the wrong.
I feel that our marriage is turning out like his parents'. Not trusting each other, quarrelling until the whole neighbourhod is aware, hiding things from each other, threatening divorce until old age, etc. I can't possibly put up with this until old age because it is so draining emotionally and making me very sick, tired and mentally-exhausted.
I also felt that his inability to manage his parents' expectations is suffocating us. I knew MIL has never liked me. She is domineering. He is the only child and she is overly-protective of him even until now. He does not speak up for me in front of her as she will do emotional blackmail if she feels that she is losing her son. In the past before we got married, she will hang up the telephone in their home and switch off the power in his mobile after 11pm so that I am not able to reach him. I knew he wasn't asleep as he used to call me late at night but it annoyed MIL and she told him our chats disturbed her sleep so he ended up surfing the internet to pass time. There was another time, husband and I were holding hands and talking about silly jokes and walking with MIL from point A to B. (We were already married for a few years at that time) She suddenly grabbed him aside and she held his hands instead. I remembered this incident vividly coz he asked her in surprise what she was doing - holding his hands in that manner. She said very loudly (possibly for me to hear) - "What's wrong with a mother holding her son's hand?" - And the both of them walked in front of me holding hands throughout the journey. I brushed it off as a funny incident and told it as a joke to my mum and close friends about this. They said that his mum must be jealous but all felt that he could have handled everything in a better way so that MIL will not see me in such a negative light but he is not making any attempts to do so. Perhaps he is somehow flattered by the attention from his mum.
From the many incidents, I knew our marriage has broken down irrevocably. It takes 2 hands to clap and for our marriage to end up in this manner, I am responsible for it as well. I have already told my family about everything and they are protective of me and supported the divorce. Deep inside, I still harbour hopes of reconciling but I know it is impossible looking at the way things have turned out now. Both parties need to forgive and forget the past. He is not even willing to give it a try and I know it will be difficult for me to forgive and forget.
My rational self is telling me that I should just leave him and move on so that I will be happier in life. My emotional self is asking myself if I can do more to salvage the relationship even though it is very clear that he wants out. Today, he has insisted that we file for divorce asap so that everything is over soon in a few months.
My family is concerned that I would not be able to get my money back and want me to get a top lawyer to fight for my best interest. If anyone has any good divorce lawyers to recommend, please drop me a mail. It would be greatly appreciated.
Would also appreciate if anyone can give me a jolt and wake me up. I think it is time to move on after so many unhappy years but I do not know how nor have the courage to.
