Planned divorce...

[poitto]

Hubby's behaviour is a little strange eg. waiting for me to slp then go study room to make phone calls in the middle of the night, washing clothes when i cleared the whole basket of them in the morning...
i questioned and got reply as simple as "i feel like washing them" (not very logical to me and this isn't something he usually volunteer to do)... there's so many other housework for him to do if he ever desire to do eg. washing plates, cleaning the aircon filter n etc but why put 2 shirts into the washing machine... Without giving a proper answer, he start to say i'm suspicious of him having an affair.

i got angry and ran out of the house... instead of chasing or calling me... he pack his luggage and left (i only knew abt it when i came home much later)

he sent me an sms and told me he see no future and wanted to divorce...

3 days later, he came to collect the rest of his stuff and told me that he has filed for separation and he will be signing the deed the very next day. He asked me to be mature and end this nicely and request me to be present to sign it as well. That night he sms me to tell me he will request the lawyer to backdate the deed so we can get a divorce earlier. That night i slept with a knife wanted to die so freaking bad... i got angry thinking if i die now everything will be his... the house, my insurance, everything and started to think about my parents and how worried and upset they would be...

i didn't turn up. he left the deed on my desk for me then sms me to tell me if there's any issue, contact his lawyer.

His mother called and asked me what happen. According to his mom, he cried and told his mom that he really can't come back to me anymore and he felt that it's a torture to go on.

i have alot of questions... i wanted to have a talk with him and know wat's wrong and why didn't he mentioned them. And i wanted to let him know how i feel about his strange behaviour triggering my thoughts of his infidelity... However, knowing his mindset after being together for 7 years, i know he will just ask me to put the blame on him and wont continue the talk. Part of me don't want anything to do with him anymore yet part of me wants him back badly.... i tried very hard to pretend and convince myself that if i really love him, i should let him go. No use clinging to him knowing he no longer love me and no desire to stay with me... why cheapen myself... on the other hand, i'm thinking, i can change... i can make this work again... i can find out wat's he's not happy about and discuss our difference calmly even thought of looking for a good marriage counsellor...

Anyone has any good suggestions on how can i get him to talk? Even if he desire to leave, i have come to terms with it. I'm just curious on his actions and his reaction to my anger. With regards to the question on 3rd party, his mom confirmed that there isn't any. So the problem lies in the 2 of us.

I am also thinking of asking him to go with me to see some marriage counselor but he is so bend on leaving me out of his future life that he sms me every other day to ask me if i can sign or contact his lawyer.

I found out he planned for the divorce since Jan... Funny thing is he can still initiate sex every week even though he has it all planned out... Are all men born like tat?!

I manage to coax him into going to a marriage counseling... i call it recovery session... i felt that if i dun go thru this, this may scar my future relationship with anyone... i want to find out if my reactions/actions/feelings towards his actions/reactions/feelings are normal... or am i abnormal and can't live with a sensible guy whom plans his future well...

i also ask him to meet up and talk before we go along with the marriage counseling... Wonder if the sequence is correct.... should counsel then private talk or private talk then counsel... any suggestions?

 

[kittenpie]

poito,

your depiction of your husband is very two-dimensional. when i read your account, almost everything is about what you did, thought and felt. there is very little description about what you think may be going on in your husband's mind except the part "Are all men born like tat?! " i wonder, does this reflect a pervasive lack of understanding of your husband, or perhaps an inability to connect with his inner world? have you and your husband been neglecting each other for a long time? it is definite that he has difficulties expressing himself to you. does this point to a fundamental incompatibility?

given your description, the reader is as equally baffled as you with regards as to his possible motivations and the inner workings of his mind.

you have to tell us more about your relationship with him .... people dont throw in divorce papers at a moment's fancy. something like this cannot happen out of the blue and troubles should have been brewing for some time ...

and tell us more about his character too.

 

[kittenpie]

he wants to leave you because you do not fulfil his needs, wants, desires, aspirations or happiness.

the crux of the question is - what are his needs, wants, desires, aspirations? do you know the answer to this very well? or have you been taking them for granted, have you lost touch with them?

i have been to marriage counselling before. i think it is better to talk during the counselling rather than before, as moods can flare without a mediator.

a thought crept into my mind with all the references to "weird" "strange" and "not having an affair" ...and especially the part about crying to his mother ... has he recently walked out of the gay closet ... just a wild speculation ...

 

[susanna_low]

poitto, the 1st thing that came to my mind was what have you done to him?

He's behaving weirdly and can't wait to get you out of his life. This doesn't seen normal.

 

[karvna]

Poitto,

Your husband's reaction is perfectly normal. He is just treating you as a physical object when having sex with you - totally no feelings involved.

 

[hweebs]

my opinion: counselling then talk if both of u want to. The 3rd party can likely break the impasse

 

[miloice]

Not all men are like that, I assure you that. Every single person is unique, why would you even think that all men would behave like this. As May pointed out, what's alarming is how in 7 yrs of marriage, you seem to be completely clueless about him. Seems, the connection wasn't even there to begin. What was your marriage based on in the 1st place? How did you love a man that you totally don't even seem to know?

 

[leibit]

Yes, true, not all men are like that. I personally know many others who aren't. However, in my decade of being manipulated by a man who happens to be as unique an individual as TS's spouse, I realised that if a man wants to pretend and put up a fantastic false front to people around them, including their own spouse, they CAN. And this is the scariest part.

Back to TS's situation, I think, it's better for TS to reassess her self, her love for her spouse. It's true, if u love him, u'll set him free. But equally true is, if u love urself, u'll set urself free from him too. So it depends on the situation and the turmoil that TS has been experiencing. Divorce is not a child's act. It's something to be thought through very carefully, considering all stuffs and issues involved.

Btw, TS's spouse is just someone who will deny all the way about having a third party. Crying to his mum, my goodness, for what? Quite a clear thing, that he's just a mummy's boy in a hidden closet perhaps. Deny all the way? Poitto, ur spouse is just a player. Cry wolf, and point all arrows on u as usual. Maybe in so doing, he's just hoping that he doesn't bear as great a responsibility as u, in the breakdown of the marriage. My ex said the same, but I got all evidence of his affairs way in advanced, down to the details. And he still said, he didn't have a 'someone'. I can't be bothered to even listen to him out, made up my mind and get him out of my life, esp since he's a perpetual liar. Unfortunately, I only get to realise that when my feelings for him ended. Love can indeed be blind.

 

[simpleman]

Based on the little information.. it is weird if he is not having an affair.. How else would a hb suddenly decides to pack and leave? Just my guess.. and why you think he is not having an affair, just because his mother said so?

Talk about counselling is pre-mature.. I am sure he won't even agree. And don't ever counselling can solve any problem here..

 

[lovingyou]

TS: I find it confusing; on one hand, you mentioned that he kept persuading you to sign the deed, on the other hand, he is coaxed and agreed to attend counselloring sessions with you??

 

[hweebs]

sm,

"I manage to coax him into going to a marriage counseling"

"i also ask him to meet up and talk before we go along with the marriage counseling... Wonder if the sequence is correct.... should counsel then private talk or private talk then counsel... any suggestions?"

what do you mean by you are sure that he won't agree, when it has been done?

 

[simpleman]

hweebs,

You don't find it weird.. that it can be blown so big that he has to pack off?

Ok. I did not read all the fine details. but gathering from the gist of it.. he may go counseling with her.. but whether he is going to be counseled is another question..

 

[hweebs]

that is their problem liao, if they get there, the counsellor will deal with it

 

[youngmother]

Wah... I only heard of women planned divorce ahead, pack and leave without giving reason to the husband when the day is up.

Sms you on the lawyers stuffs instead of calling you or telling you in face,
Cry to own mum and said its a torture,
Wash clothes in the middle of night.

Eh.. sorry.. But I guess women will do that mostly.

How are things now?

If I were you. My HB reconciles with me after a while. I dun think I will live in peace... Its scary to get panic attacks like tat..

 

[simpleman]

hweebs,

Yes, their problem.. But we have to be realistic about the counseling....

 

[hweebs]

let her get back and tell us, now whatever we say all pointless bcoz we dunno what has progressed

 

[simpleman]

I tot you like to analyze, regardless.

 

[leibit]

Missy Missy, u r so right, that's really kinda too wishy-washy girly acts right? Maybe there's something wrong w the chromosomes. I agree fully on the part on panic attacks, will go crazy if keeps happening...

Anyway, TS, please take time to think it through

Btw, do u have any idea that apart from emotional issues, does ur spouse have any other issues in life? Eg...financial ones? Coz there are some men who might actually rely on women for money...and such women could be TOW...who have various esteem issues and see money as a means to get men....

 

[hweebs]

sm,

tsk tsk (shake head). As a CBT homework, I want you to go and read every single message that I have wrote on every thread, to see if any analyses I have made is to help the TS think after he/she has asked for help, and is still reading the thread, or if I had analysed just to show off to you and the world what I know. When can you complete the homework?

 

[poitto]

Hi,

May's reply set me thinking for several days and was pretty upset when i think i know it but dun really want to assume things and would rather hear it from him...

He used to tell me his dreams/plans and the latest i heard is that we are saving to get a condo(we are living in hdb now) and all along i tot we are working towards that direction...

According to him, he has been treating me coldly for the past few weeks (i really didn't sense it) he was still sending me to work and pick me up even if i went out with friends... he was singing love songs aloud from his room (he has a room and i have my own room) always respect his privacy as i want him to respect mine too...

i suspected something cause everytime i need to go to the loo, i will need to pass by his room and he will quickly alt tab... perhaps communication broke down long time back...

maybe i'm too insensitive to actually feel the indifferences... i needed some time to chill as well and think of the relationship...

What was your marriage based on in the 1st place? How did you love a man that you totally don't even seem to know?

To ans this... love, desire, affection at the beginning... then companionship, responsibility, attachments... my tots are love will evolve into something else... love wont die, it just changes form perhaps into hate, friendship, etc... To me, i feel that most couples remain as couples cause they are used to each other (maybe best roommates - not much of the true love tat was experience during the 'honeymoon' period)

And true, i too feel that he's a mummy's boy...

Yes, true, not all men are like that. I personally know many others who aren't. However, in my decade of being manipulated by a man who happens to be as unique an individual as TS's spouse, I realised that if a man wants to pretend and put up a fantastic false front to people around them, including their own spouse, they CAN. And this is the scariest part.

i agree with this... i actually sort of let go when my tots keep running thru and wondered how he actually suffered all these months... For me, i am not able to handle it even for another one day... i even wondered if he has some terminal illness or turn gay or have some other reasons that he can't say it out...

Back to TS's situation, I think, it's better for TS to reassess her self, her love for her spouse. It's true, if u love him, u'll set him free. But equally true is, if u love urself, u'll set urself free from him too. So it depends on the situation and the turmoil that TS has been experiencing. Divorce is not a child's act. It's something to be thought through very carefully, considering all stuffs and issues involved.

i believe he has tot of all aspects so that i would agree to it as he's always a good planner...

With regards to the affair, i was wondering, if he tell me frankly he's having an affair, i most likely agree to sign everything he ask me to sign immediately (he wanted to settle things asap)... If it's affair, he would want to tell me because he knows i will fulfil his desires to be with the gal... And my friends came to my house and start to flip all bills and letters attention to him (i never bothered to even glance at those as it's his - privacy!) my friend found a house phone bill with 1100mins outgoing and i'm pretty sure i wasn't the recipient... anyone can enlighten me, if he's got a 3rd party, why wont he want to admit it when it will hasten all procedures?

my friends made me file the credit card bills and asked me if i was here at this time with him in this restaurant and etc... driving me crazy! i can't even remember wat i eat yesterday let alone something months back...

abt the counselling, i wanted to have a talk to find out wat's my problem and see if i have a logical ans for it... and if my reactions/feelings/actions are normal... To meet up alone with him, i know (here i am assuming again) that his reply will be... "aiya.. just blame me... put all the blames on me la... take it as i "change heart" le..." then he will close up and no matter wat i said or asked, i wont get any reply... But if we go counselling, he has a higher chance of opening up... Cause he made me feel like as if i'm some kind of monster...

Actually i fear if the blame's on me, eg. i didn't fulfil wife's duties of giving TLC to him... how can i didn't even feel tat he's been treating me coldly...

Anyway, i truly believe in freedom... if he want to leave me so be it as long as he's happy...

hey guys/gals... i love this site cause of the open ended questions u all asked and not much judgement biase to one party... Tell me abt ur views, as i felt that i can gather more from here then from him... haha... however, when i'm ready, i will close this case with him... friends advise me to talk to him soon and close this chapter so i can start anew... however, i wanna let myself get used to not having him ard me then meet up... wonder if i should do it when all the memories are vivid or wait till i can let go...

 

[xiao_nu_ren]

Why do you need to know the truth on whether he is having an affair or not in order to divorce? His heart is no longer with you. And even if you got him back, he's already 50% of what he used to be when he was yours totally. As someone mentioned somewhere, you'll suffer panic attack on and off. Is this the sort of life you are looking for?

I just hope, think for yourself. Love yourself more. Live life for yourself without him in the picture. Take care.

 

[kittenpie]

poitto,

this reminds me of something i went through but not having any direct relation to your case.

some years back, i was a supervisor of this girl who suddenly went missing from work from time to time. but when she does come to work, she will be extremely diligent and work all the way from the morning to midnight.

it did not seem that she detest the work here, since whenever she did show up, she is extremely diligent and conscientious. so we were genuinely baffled at what was going on.

we had several counselling sessions. she was very adamant not to say anything.

for me, i went crazy with curiosity. we could not put a finger on her bizarre behaviour.

after the disappearance from work occurred a few times and it became clear that she was to be fired whether or not she defended herself, we had a last sit-down session.

actually, it was not very professional of us to probe again. after all, she was to be fired anyway and does not owe us any explanation. but we could not control our curiosity and we pushed her again for an explanation.

an intense moment of tension, then she broke down in tears.

"my boyfriend locked me up, confiscated my cell phone and prevented me from going to work!"


"if i went to work, he threatens to come burn down the building!"


"look at the bruise on my face!"

i was shocked and dumbfounded.

till this day, i do not understand how someone could bottle up and keep silent on something so dramatic happening in her life.

we offered help and advice but she was unresponsive. then she vanished like thin air and we never heard from her again.

why do people choose to keep quiet, when help, understanding and even solution is a confiding session away?

why?

poitto, your husband's refusal to talk just reminds me of this case. some people just DO NOT want to talk.

and if we pry it from them, where do we draw the line? where is the line between people owing us an explanation, and the respect of privacy?

would counselling do any help? and to help whom? help you by 'opening' him up so that he could 'confess' what is really going on, so that finally you could be in the know?

where does the problem actually lie, his secret or his unwillingness to communicate with you?

i would think that the secret is not a problem but a symptom of the communication breakdown. And for a person to lock another one out of his life in this way, the problem should be long-standing and deeply rooted.

anyway, my anecdote is really long-winded and loh soh. i have digressed.

 

[hweebs]

"friends advise me to talk to him soon and close this chapter so i can start anew... however, i wanna let myself get used to not having him ard me then meet up... wonder if i should do it when all the memories are vivid or wait till i can let go..."

so you give up on the marriage already lah?

 

[rebeana]

My take on why he refuse to admit the affair (to you and to his mum) could be because he wants to "remain loyal and perfect". Imagine if his mum or you or whoever got to know about it, how will people see him in future? Everyone will be cursing and swearing and him..

Girl, based on my past experience (pretty similar to yours except that its a ex bf, not husband), have a good talk with him. Like you, I walked out of the r/s when things don't go well, because I wanted my pride.. To me I always feel that I can lose everything, but not my pride. But now that I think back, i wonder why I let go of our r/s so easily. That shows how fragile our r/s is..

If like my ex, he still refuse to talk about it, it will probably show he is realy not that into you. He prefer everything else than to try to solve the issue with you. Or probably some times are really meant to be kept a secret.. Something that you probably would not want to know?

 

[dracano]

poitto,

Since you managed your hb is a person who puts emphasis on 'who to blame', the reason why he doesn't want to admit to his adultery is to avoid being blamed for the divorce, if any.

You mentioned he's a good planner too so most probably he has been waiting a long time for the perfect moment to stage the 'pack bag and leave while pretending to be the victim' so that he can honourably file for a divorce with the culprit being you. The acting part in front of his mum was probably pre-planned too to make him look even more convincing as the victim.

Reasons for his plan: Minimise amount of alimony he has to pay, and prevent any 'face' issues since it is so-called not his fault for the failed marriage.

He might also been getting help from TOW (I believe she definitely exists, based on his suspicious behaviour), providing him with ideas through their conversations via face-to-face, phone and internet chats.

Just sharing my analysis on the case.

 

[poitto]

hweebs, i dun think i have any choice, doubt he will ever wanna hear or see me anymore... and now i dun even think i will want to meet up with him to talk abt the past probs...

Even if we really have a talk, my bets are he will still be keeping quiet... assumption again... haha...

Rebeana/Dragon,
i talked to one guy friend whom i think his char resembles that of my ex hb and he told me the only reason tat my ex hb wan to speed the divorce procedures might be because TOW is pregnant... i hav to admit that this could be the reason cause tis is by far the only reason that could make sense to me... and he only stop bothering me to sign the deed when i threaten to tell the lawyer abt the 'mistake' in date of seperation...

perhaps dragon is rite abt the 'face' issue since his mother is really into 'face'...

 

[sundownprince]

poitto time to get a PI to follow him. esp before u sign anything. dun short change urself.

 

[sundownprince]

poitto time to get a PI to follow him. esp before u sign anything. dun short change urself.

 

[poitto]

eh... friends told me that too... one friend even volunteer to send someone to follow him...

i dun wan to waste $$ leh... since now i have to perserve watever i have for the household and i believe 'water drop stone appear'

even if he really have TOW, i also dun wish to tear his 'face'... since he can find his happiness without me, i'll let him be happy... =D

i'm lucky that my parents are encouraging and didn't say i throw their 'face' lor.. abit regret that i didn't put more effort in the r/s but since it's over, life goes on...

i sort of hate the part where i have to wait another 3 years... machiam like no clean break... true freedom comes only 3 years later...

i haven't sign anything yet... i figured out that i still have 3 years to slowly sign... hehe

 

[sundownprince]

haha. thought he want to back date. all the best!

 

[simpleman]

potitto,

Divorce is just a legal procedure. True freedom comes from within. You can start a new life immediately.. no need to wait for the divorce.

If you want to waste your 3 years still pondering it is fine as well. Otherwise you can start a new life tomorrow.

 

[poitto]

it's tomorrow already! =D

 

[kittenpie]

poitto,

i find that for me, it is the amazing variety of choice out there that can be bewildering and overwhelming.

it is possible for the recently separated to feel ill-adjusted. suddenly no obligations? no responsibilities to a spouse? no common plan for the future with someone else? abrupt life changes can be very disorientating.

but once i got the hang of it, it is time to enjoy. nobody knows what tomorrow brings, it is true regardless married or not. so being married could just be a false veneer of security that never was.

so enjoy!

 

[soonahsoh]

read yr whole story, i agreed with SM, Freedom comes from within, I hope U will find happiness soon

 

[youngmother]

Hey,

how are things? Papers signed?

For the 1100 minutes thing, it could proved to be an affair. Oh well, since he "planned" this long ago, it could just be a friend whom he pour his plannings to. Why not call this 1100 mins number and see if you can understand it from there?

 

[simpleman]

Papers signed? It should be the least important thing.

 

[youngmother]

Hmmm... if paper signed then too late to do anything le right?

 

[leibit]

Why in the world must we think of finding out evidence and presenting it to lawyer and court so as not to shortchange yourself?

An end to this marriage, should be seen as a great relief, and a start to having your own life. Your real life. You'll only be shortchanging yourself if one thinks of ways to expose the other. What's the point of exposing the spouse? As if he/she will be repentant enough, or set on a guilt-trap. Live your life, and I'm sure your life will be so much happier without this bullshit piece in your life.

I know all the things my ex did. All his mistresses and call-girls and all. But then, so what? I didn't expose his darkest secrets about why he chose to be with his most recent gal. I'm just very happy that I got out of this whole cycle of trying to expose and setting each other on guilt traps and all. My life goes on, and I realise one thing, I have beautiful parents, siblings and friends. Life is beautiful, don't waste it on unnecessary items

 

[poitto]

i haven't sign anything yet... No idea wat i am waiting for or dragging on for... Normally i'm very logical somehow i can't find a reason not to sign it... maybe still thinking abt the date thing ba...

With regards to whether he has a TOW, i really can't be bothered... Wonder if tat is a sign that i'm over this r/s... if i'm still lingering for him then it should be my top priority but it wasn't...

i dun wan this to become some hate thingy... cause i wan him to be happy too.. to be happy for the choices in life that he had made... i sort of think i adapt easily... and perhaps gave up easily too...

=D

Hey! can someone tell me wat does TS and TOW means? haha... TOW = the other woman? or ? TS leh? this stupid?

 

[serene_yam]

u r right abt the TOW. TS = ThreadStarter

Wah lau eh, what 'this stupid'? U r funny!

Maybe u still need some time to think it over...?

 

[jefferson_edison]

poitto. my suggestion is you should just sign to separation and divorce him.

The date can be BACK DATED to an earlier date. like today is 30-07-2010, just tell the lawyer to back date the date to 30-07-2007, 3 years back, and then you can proceed with the divorce base on 3 years separation.

better do it real fast. dragging it will not do u any good.

 

[simpleman]

There is no hurry to divorce unless you want to re-marry.

But having it done may be a good thing for those people who will need "external objects" to help in closure. Getting done means you can close the last door and open another one.

But if you don't have any "mental baggage", then divorce is really just a legal procedure.

I suspect TS is still lingering.. so that says much about her "mental preparation".

 

[jefferson_edison]

Look at her case, there's no point in waiting or clingling to the hubby any more. he's not a kid. he mustta know what he want. if he want divorce now. jolly well suit him and kick him out of your life. u still got road down to walk.

divorce is short pain. drag another few years, still come back to the same thing, divorce. he don't love u anymore.

 

[simpleman]

jefferson,

yes that is the decision of a rational being.

TS is still lingering.. she is still hopeful.. so unless you give her few tight slaps to wake up.. she is still probably lingering.

It is easy for others to tell her to divorce but first, she has to accept it first. It may take some time.. She has to see it.. not us telling her.

 

[poitto]

Lol @ the backdate... Hey i was thinking why didn't he backdate till then too... then i realise tis $ minded guy is thinking backdate till then ar the flat has to be sold back to hbd as a loss... told u he planner liao! i bet he has tot of all ways and see this is the best way liao!

was wondering how come he didnt wan to annul (read abt this from another thread)... maybe got flat cannot annul ba...

no la.. dun think i'm still lingering le... just thinking abt the dates and if i have enough savings to get a condo by the time i get kick out of this flat...

 

[jefferson_edison]

annual = 1 year

if can annual my case annual liao. cheap, short, easy.

meaning u 1 year time found that not capatible. warranty not over can reject the spouse return to the factory (his/her parents)

but u so many years liao how can annual?

 

[poitto]

lol... i also got the feeling i am a rejected stock and have to return to my daddy and mummy...

haiz.... wonder why i keep dreaming of him... i tot i let go liao... happy le... why will still dream and then wake up crying... spoil my life...

 

[jefferson_edison]

BECAUSE HUMAN IS LIKE THAT.

UNLESS YOU GOT A NEW ONE. YOU WILL DREAM AND REMEMBER THE OLD ONE. BECAUSE HE'S THE LAST ONE WITH YOU.

Just like I can expect her to forget about him. I know her when she's with him. Now I have her,what can I ask for?

poitto, regrets is always there. there's sure happiness when you are with him, just that the happiness doesn't last forever. and when the sadness come, it too won't last forever. but during the sadness, you made a decision to divorce him, for him to get out of your life.......

 

[dreamybebe]

I think he is most likely having an affair. I am also suspecting my husband is having an affair. my gfs keep asking me to go through his credit card bills. He is such a smartass. THough we are married for 2years, his credit card bills still goes back to his parents house and he will ritually goes back there to tear up the bills so there is absolutely no way I can find it out. Anyway finding out is also another heartbreak. Ever since he dun even bother coming home or giving me reasons why he is out everynight I have given up hope on this marriage which is going nowhere. We have not talked for the longest time since I hardly see him. He only comes back when I am asleep and goes out before I wake up. After having two kids with this man who do not even appreciate me. My friends urged me to hire a PI but maybe I just do not want to face up to it. I prefer an amicable arrangement for the sake of our two kids. Didnt want him to bitch about me when he is granted access to the kids. But the only problem is our hdb completion is coming up in three weeks time. I had bought over the place for my auntie who is suffering from terminal illness. I had agreed for her to carry on staying in the flat. If we divorce and we are forced to sell the place, she will be left with no place to stay. But I am still wondering if we file for separation, can we still legally own a HDB?