"PINJIN (聘金)" and tables anyone?

snowy76

New Member
Hi, does anyone of you parents did not take and Pinjin or Tables when marrying off daughters??? Cos my mum took nothing..
 


annabelle

New Member
snowy, u should be happy ur mum took nothing. cause she's helping u in ur finances
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joxue

New Member
Hi snowy i agree with annabelle.. anyway most mothers even if they were to take, they will only take a small amt as a token..

Not as if they are selling their daughter.. keke.. if they are, u r worth alot more than what ur hubby is giving to ur mum.. U r priceless to ur mum
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snowy76

New Member
huh?? if take nothing not good? you mean not good to my mum or me or both?? So it is abnormal to not take anything? Cos my mum say she dun need anything so may as well dun take...In fact we gave $3888 to her but all return..So wad should I do now???
 

annabelle

New Member
snowy, seems like ur mum is one in a million.
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so good. maybe after ur AD give her an angpow lor as token of appreciation.
 

joxue

New Member
are u going to give a speech on stage snowy? u can thank her for her understanding and help and of cos her unconditional love.. This will mean more to her than anything i guess.

On top of that u n FH can also buy her a small gift, a watch or somethinng that she can wear.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Usually bride's family will take a bit.. if not, it may appear that the bride's family is unwilling to let their daughter marry to the guy.

To get around this and to avoid pple from thinking this, it's good to make a speech to acknowledge that your parents have handed you over to a guy whom they trust.
 

web510

New Member
hi ladies can i check normally when the parents meeting session..what do the brides side ask for Pin Jin....we don intend to ask for tables so what should we ask for?
 

janicachan

New Member
my parents met his 2 months before the ROM. my parents told them we will not give u the amout of pinjin. it is up to them to decide. if they cherish me, they will know wat to do.

for tables, my parents roughly tell them the number. (in fact no need, coz the whole wedding they didnt pay a single cent, all paid by me n hubby)

besides, my mum told mil that the guo da li is a must. we didnt specify what items to give. jz follow the normal tradition.

hope that helps
 

jessi

New Member
hi all, i just had my guo da li yesterday and my mum return the wrong amt for the ping jin, supposed to return more. any idea if we still give back that amount to my FPIL?
 

monkie

New Member
hello jessi
i think you can give another "ang pow" to your parents in law.
or buy them some tonic like birds nest, chicken essence...wine etc... to make up the figure.

how much difference? i assume a few hundreds difference only right?
 

jessi

New Member
hi cynthia, thanks for the reply. it's more than a few hundreds, that's why my mum felt bad to had missed putting in the bigger notes. yesterday she's too gan jiong already. so I guess we'll give the balance in ang pow back. :p
 

yatsutaka

New Member
Desperate for Info
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Hi everyone, i come from a culturally ignorant family and my wife to be (WTB) and in laws are the traditional sort.

They have asked for 10 tables for wedding at Shangri-La and we havent agreed on a dowry yet.

I'm desperate to know how much is the `market rate' for SDJ my mum should spend on. is it true that modern wives are given Si Dian Zhuan (4 pc diamonds) instead of gold now?

Would really appreciate your response. If the information is a lil private, i would appreciate pte msgs too.

Thanks alot!
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yatsutaka

New Member
Desperate for Info - Part 2

Other than being culturally ignorant, i realise i am also a bit careless. Left out one more question.

If in laws are asking for 10 tables, (out of min of 35) what would be a fair sum for dowry?

Once again - Thank you.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Patrick,

I don't know what's market rate for tables and pinjing. ACtually, I feel it's best not to compare, cos tables and pinjing is the "value" of the bride, and dates back to historic practice where women were seen as chattel and property - and can be exchanged/barter trade.

Further, the amount of pinjing and tables also depends on the ability of the groom's family.

Usually, the groom's parents will give the gal's parents sufficient tables to sit all their relatives. As long as gal's parents sit all their relatives, it is reasonable to request for 10. By the way, although they request for 10, they may only take 8.

There is also really no market rate for SDJ. Jewelry shops like to sell expensive white gold and diamond pieces cos more profit. Brides's parents sometimes show off their daughter's worth by telling pple the ILs gave white gold and diamond pieces.

I'm not a teochew and I believe only teochew gals are entitled to ask for SDJ. And even then, they can't demand for diamond or white gold or whatever. SDJ just means 4 pieces of jewelry. ANd teochew peopl elike yellow gold. It's a fact.

Of course, some ladies out there are given Si Dian Zhuan these days. Very true. But some ladies are also given yellow gold too.

I'm a hokkien. My teochew MIL insisted on buying me SDJ when I insisted that a piece of jewelry is sufficient. Even my husband told his mom that. In the end, my MIL bought me yellow gold jewelry amounting to $4.5k. 2 necklaces, 1 pendant, 1 ring and 1 bracelet. I dun have ear holes. My MIL brought me shopping and asked me what material I preferred. I told her yellow gold - cos traditionally SDJ IS yellow gold and white gold sounds inauspicious. I didn't want my ILs to feel "compelled" to buy me inauspicious material. Didn't want gossip. I preferred to follow tradition as much as possible.
 

monkie

New Member
hi patrick

there is no absolute answer to your answer. the rule of thumb is do within your means. trust that your in-laws are reasonable people who will ask for what they need and not anything extra.

for SDJ or SDZhuan, depend on indidual prespective. if you wan something u can wear it, then probably you choose SDZhuan. but diamonds wun looks good on gold and if choose white gold means not auspicious.
for SDJ, is all time favourite and have value as time goes by. probably can pass to next generation also no problem.
i still prefer SDJ because this is wat tradition is suppose to be.
 

monkie

New Member
hi patrick
i realised you r going to have ur dinner at Shangri-La and I know this is going to cost you a bomb.

some people only collect the 10 tables of ang pow and do not have dowry. but normally groom will still give a small taken of dowry like $188.

if you think 10 tables is too much for you to bear the cost -- Be Honest, then let your wife to be know. then have a meal together and negotiate this matter together.

not all morden wives go for dimonds, at least for myself and friends around me still prefer gold.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Patrick, just something to add to Cynthia's post.

My AD is also at Shangri-la. My ILs offered my parents 10 tables, but they will only be taking 8 tables. My parents told me they will return me and my hb the APs from these 8 tables cos they know it will be $ from my hb and I. My ILs offered to give pinjing but the amount was never discussed. My parents didn't demand any table or pinjing, although they expect to be given tables sufficient for their relatives ( 8 tables is just sufficient) and some pinjing. We had no headache from tables and pinjing. Neither did we try to find out what is market practice. No point. How to determine my worth in my parents' eyes? How to determine my IL's financial ability? My hb's financial ability? After all, the more $ my hb spends on the wedding, the longer I'd need to slog in my job as hb and I finance all debts together and only have 1 joint account where we put all our $ into. Absolute transparency. At the end of the day, what matters is both side's parents are happy with wedding arrangements. Wedding is meant to be a happy affair.

Whilst it's true that Shang is not cheap, there has to be a reason for you to hold the AD at Shang. Instead of holding the view that Shang is ex, therefore using that as a reason to give less pinjing, try to give what ILs want and what parents are happy with giving. Try to reach a compromise.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Let me side track a little from this thread -

I feel the most headache free way to a wedding is not to convince guy's parents to give more, or to convince gal's parents to take less.

Rather, it is to understand what is the minimum expectation to take and ability to give from both sets of parents.

If there is a huge divide, then the couple can close up the gap by digging into savings to make up the difference.

If this fails, then choose a cheaper wedding dinner place? Or a shorter honeymoon.

Just to share, our starting point was to go to an old chinese restaurant for our wedding dinner. Then, we realised we couldn't get the wedding date which we wanted and chose to wait 1 year. 1 year passed, and we realised we had enough savings for Shang. So we went for Shang. When we signed the contract with Shang, we did our sums and had absoultely no plans for a honeymoon cos we wanted spare cash to "top up" whatever my parents may want and my ILs didn't want to give. THankfully, my ILs were generous and my parents weren't greedy, so we had no headache. All this resulted in "spare cash" for hb and I and in fact, we underestimated our spare cash and we recently realised we can have a nice honeymoon in Paris from this amount we've saved. It's a bonus to us.

What I'm saying is proper planning and very prudent budgeting and working within our means can result in a very pain free headache free wedding, even when parents disagree...
 

monkie

New Member
like wat catus has mention, not about if groom's side give more = bride more valuable. if bride's side takes more = they are greedy, inconsiderate.

in the first place, how can you determine what is more what is less? its just a figure, a custom.

i still think that, give within your means.

my parents intially ask for 6 tables but after calculating, we realised we need extra 2 more tables. having underdstand my fiance's finance situation, we are prepared to come up with the 2 tables cost ourselves but my fiance is willing to give 8 tables instead of the original 6.

its the comfort level, the bride's side must be sensitive to the groom's financal status. if they are asking for the sky and the poor groom have to take loan, eventually is the bride who will suffer as well.

everything can be talk things out, if really cannot, then bo bian and bite the bullet to please the folks then. eventually proper planning and budgeting is important.

for our wedding, its kind of lack of proper planning because we only decided to get married (AD) in march. Everything was in a rush. we make mistakes, get lousy deals...but to us, this is part of ups and downs of our marriage. both of us make decision together and make sure we are happy not win-lose situation.

giving pin jin is just a small part of wedding. follow your heart and dun get confuse with other's way of doing.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Add on to Cynthia's post.

A marriage is about 2 individuals forming a union. Make all decisions as a joint couple. Don't take sides with parents. Don't bad mouth each other's parents. Instead, recognise there is a problem and a compromise must be made. If a compromise cannot be struck, then either let parents settle it, fight over it, or we top up the difference or work out something more affordable... ie. parents want 10 tables, instead of holding dinner at Shang, choose a cheaper place. Bride's parents are not obliged to cut down on their requested number of tables. It is tradition that bride's parents will sit their relatives AND NOT FRIENDS at those tables given by the groom's parents. Can further cut down on financial expenses if necessary by going to a nearby place for honeymoon or postpone honeymoon, don't buy a house yet or buy a cheap house. Proper planning and budgeting is important.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Whilst money doesn't fall from the sky, and singaporean chinese still love to compare and like to "show off", a marriage is more than that. Don't let wedding preps dampen a marriage. Marriage is for life.
 

monkie

New Member
wedding is just a one day affair but marriage is a lifetime affair.

there is endless chain if you wan to compare.
like my aunty of mine...
when i was a kid, she compare results with my cousin. she compare the schools we attend, the salary we earn..
now she wan to compare who marry a richer man, who live a bigger house, drive a bigger car...

FXXX it off lar! so long i am happy, who is she to comment.

work our your $ well, plan well. let me know if you need a budget spread sheet or you can visit weddingchannel website for more info.
 

yatsutaka

New Member
Hi Cynthia, Cactus,

Thanks so much for the enlightenment.

I guess there is no clear right or wrong answer here. i guess i am just a lil worried money will ruin the relationship between the 2 families.

My parents will be helping out with the dinner financially and the ILs will be keeping the APs for their tables. As such i needed some idea how to position the sums so that i wouldnt be putting more strain on my parents, without making them look bad.

From the responses, i guess there shouldnt be too much problems if both parties can come to a compromise.

I think i'll have to talk to my other half on this.

Once again. Thank you for the information.
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inge

New Member
All these traditional dowry can be a headache and I know of cases where it has caused unhappiness between both famililes. Totally uncalled for.

While this is tradition, it should not be taken too seriously and followed too religiously.

REMEMBER! A WEDDING IS A DAY BUT A MARRIAGE IS FOR LIFE !

Focus on your marriage and not your wedding!
 

leejeslyn

New Member
My parents told me they will return us all the red packets to us after our banquet so that we will hv monety to pay for it...and i asked my parents how much pinjin they want...they told me if the pingjin is from me & my FH, then they dun not wan to take any from us...but if my ILs offer to give pignjin, then they would accept any amt frm them as a token...

but till now, my ILs never mention anything about our wedding stuffs leh...
 

monkie

New Member
i fully agree with Lnge that wedding is a day and marriage is a lifetime.
sometimes, brides can be overly excited about their wedding and neglet preparing themselves for marriage.
 

tssr

New Member
Hi,

I will be having my guo da li soon. Just to check on pin jing. my bride's family is having 5 tables for banquet, so how much would be appropriate for pinjing. i understand different people have different amount etc.. but just like to have a rough gauge, do not want to appear to give too little... hee... thanks.
 

cactus_79

New Member
I would say the intention of pinjing adn tables is to make the gal's parents happy. Best is to give as much as would make them happy, then add a premium to it. They would return the premium if it is "too much" in their eyes. They won't take so much from you either cos they dun want to be seen as selling their daughter.
 

xuer

New Member
Hihi

For my case, my mum requested for 8 tables (at Conrad), 50 boxes of cakes & jin zhu. Wanted to ask for more tables and cakes as we've alot of relatives but was too pai seh to ask. So in the end, we left out alot of relatives. =(

As for the pinjing, my mum returned all. She don't want to be 'labelled' as 'mai nu er' instead of 'jia nu er'.

As my HB and I got married quite young & we've just started to work, my parents in laws paid quite alot for the whole wedding. They paid for my wedding album (for the extra fotos we developed), wedding banquet, bought SDZhuan for me, paid the downpayment for our house, paid for our honeymoon at NZ, etc etc. My HB told her that we'll pay them back, but she said never mind, take our time. Till today, 2 yrs after our wedding, we still haven't pay them back. ;p
 

cactus_79

New Member
Same for me. my parents didn't touch the pinjing at all. we don't know how much my ILs gave us. We just returned all.
 

samanlyt

Member
Hi cactus

Nice to see u in here again.
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I'm the one who had the pin jin & tables problem wif my dad remember?
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Wedding jus over last mth, am glad its over. After so much arguments over the $$ issue. Settled on a agreed sum of pin jin, and dad agree to return all ang baos, but there are some relatives who passed the ang baos to him, so me & hubby told him to keep them. Like u said b4, give n take a bit to each other, make everyone hapi.
 

cactus_79

New Member
Hi Vanilla,

Nice to see you here! It's good to know everything's settled. Wedding is supposed to be a happy affair but sometimes, our parents dun understand our difficulty and we dun understand why they must behave in a certain way. But after the wedding is over, there's so much in life to look forward to! Living together with husband. Having an extra set of parents, and maybe even a child coming along soon!!
 

samanlyt

Member
Hi cactus

Reali can 'sigh with relieve'! Haha, I think i gotta count myself lucky, my family and in laws managed to resolve the issues few weeks before the AD.
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Hey, btw congrats on ur preggie! Happen to c in on the Sept2007 brides thread!
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loveweather

New Member
hmmm..... we will have about 20 tables for our customary. my mother said only need my pil pay for the groom & bride table(1 table), my hubby's relative table(1 table), my relative table(2 to 3 tables), the rest my mother will pay. if like this how much pin jin should my pil give my parents?
 

gracelourdes

New Member
totally agree with Cynthia and cactus also...

for me, my mum was just saying to give pin jin just in case relatives ask...then it would seem bad on the couple esp my hb cos he can't "afford" to marry me or sth...

anyhow, i just told her that he would be giving pin jin and some tables...but also did mention to her that we not that rich...so since we giving her pin jin and some tables, if she finds that the angbaos from the tables she take enough liao, then just put those that she doesn't want into the angbao box loh...

at least both sides also dun feel so terrible...u know wat i mean?

for me, it's just hinting to my parents that u r not selling me...but gaining another son since my parents dun have son...

for them, it's like us giving them respect when we give them the pin jin...for bringing me up also lah...may not be much but at least, it's the thoughts that count
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sweetheavens

New Member
my parents are very very traditional chinese, but they are very clueless with regards to wedding customs cos everything was settled by my grandparents back when they wedded and i'm the eldest! while his parents are very particular about chinese traditions too and are more well versed as his 2 elder siblings have wedded.

during the parents' meeting, there's no mention of pin jin at all! only discussion on guo da li, and my dad requested for 10 tables. so when i came to read i was kinda shocked that our parents actually missed out such an important step in the chinese customary wedding! but i guess the 10 tables sort of made up for it.

initially my in-laws told my FH that 10 tables a lot (i think they were quite shocked and even asked him to hold cheaper banquet cos they were saying 10 tables is 10k is too expensive) but i asked my parents then they said they just asked for the tables for our relatives, but not say want to take the angpows or wat...

actually the 10 tables are all for our relatives cos our extended family is very big. even with the 10 tables can't invite all of my dad's cousins' families also lor.

but my in-laws insist that we have to follow the tradition and give all the angpows from the 10 tables back to my parents, otherwise not nice. so my parents will secretly pass the $$ back into my account to help us tide over in this financially difficult period. keke~

anyway... i wasn't keen to have big wedding banquet one. wanted something small and cosy just for our personal close friends and relatives, then is his parents want to invite their own friends as well and asked for 12 tables, so have to settle all these BIG banquet stuff. now only our relatives, his relatives and his parents' friends already add up to 22 tables wor! haven't even added in our own friends...

in a sense, my clueless parents actually didn't ask for pinjin etc too. they asked for the tables but will probably take nothing. i was thinking let them take all the angpows back then just return me part of the money to pay the banquet... at least i know my parents deserve it for bringing me up so well despite limited finances.
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royal

New Member
If parents no longer around as in passed on.. should we still collect pin jin? if so, then who should keep the pin jin? bride or the siblings?
 


happinessbliss

New Member
Hi Royal,

My auntie will neg and collect the pin jin, after which, she will pass all to me...hehehe...BUt I specifically told my husband i want the Si Dian Jin as I am a teochew. On top of that, my husband will give me 5 tables (i do not have alot of relatives) of whch i will keep all the ang pows.... I know we are not really that "follow the book"... hehe ... but hope that helps.
 

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