Perspective Required..

[italianosportivo]

Just need some perspective although I kind of know what is the outcome or comments I’ll get. So here goes..

Met someone about 10 months ago. At that time she was attached but kind of unhappy with her then relationship as she is not getting the attention she needs. During that time, she was always neglected or taking for granted and this was happening almost a year or so.

That being said, they broke off shortly after and not long later, we got together. Over the first 3 months, because of the house issues she has with her ex (bought a BTO). Don’t want to go too much into details, just know she ended up having a very stressful time and her ex got her parents involved over money. It turned out ugly for her ex asking from “Profit” money over the house. Traumatized were her parents that her mum had nights of silent tears..

All these while I had been with her going through the very turbulence stage of her life. Being a punching bag and receiving end of all unhappiness, agitation and stress she carries. That didn’t really matter as personally I went through it and I know she needed my support. However, during this 9 months in the relationship, I realized something, I realized that she never really paid attention to me and kind of took me for granted and neglect me. Because of this, we ended up having rows every other day over the question about understanding each other and neglect towards me. Yes, you guess it, I never once got the answer. The constant comparison about me and her ex has also taken a toll in me. Many a times, I had to tell her that everyone is different but I believe this is happening constantly in her mind. I was running out of solutions. Until I found the answer I was looking for… the “why”..


Long and short of this is, couple of weeks ago, after one big fight she left. Initially she said, she needed time and space. Then shortly after I found out (through herself and her good friends) she couldn’t forget her ex all along. She texted her ex and realized he is attached. She said she is messed up and all and the lost finally caught up with her. In the midst of past couple of weeks, she still messaged him even though he doesn’t reply. For now she just want me to be a best friend and to be there for her. Her friends all tells me to move on.

Instead of telling you guys how I feel now, I just want to hear from the views and perspective here. Naturally soft hearted and forgiving, many times I told her I’m going to leave but eventually next day she text me “Good Morning” and it kinds of continues, as a friend. She kinds of puts me away now and the messages has become a need to basis. She also doesn’t want to see me as she keeps saying she needs to sort herself (yes, noting she still messages her ex but her ex don’t respond. Even to the point of telling him where she is, who she meets etc..). besides this, daily she’ll just meet her good friends. She is ok according to what I know, but towards me, it turns completely cold and friend is what I am now.

The dilemma is between either to continue to being a best friend unconditionally or to move on completely. Like I said, I know the answers, just need some inputs as I may be wrong and keeping a check and balance on my emotions vs logical mind.

P/s: My hurt is an understatement

Thanks.

 

[miloice]

The fact is, you cannot be only a friend to her... you are already to emotionally attach to only be a friend. You need cold turkey from her. Only when you are ready to accept and be just a friend, can you make that decision. For now, you are just bullshitting yourself while she keeps you as her buffer.

 

[Dar dar]

My ex 's best friend stood by me from day 1 till now. Always there when I needed a listening ear or someone to chill out. He has hinted countless time abt his liking towards me. But I just want to treat him as a friend n nothing more. Cos I m comfortable confiding to him and hanging out with him too...but there is no sparks or chemistry....we will never cross 'the line'....guess when I will probably spend less time with him...when someone comes along bah....

 

[fifiq]

Since she obviously doesn't feel the same way as you do and want to keep you as a friend only so that she can run to you whenever she needs help.
The qns is are you willing to be there for her just as a friend n not expecting anything back?
At this state of mind when you still loves her, I don't think it's a good time to be friends at all. It's not possible as ur emotions for her is not of a friend but a lover.
Better for you to stop contacting her and try to let time heals.

 

[italianosportivo]

I agree with each and everyone of you here. Like I said I know the answer, just can't lift myself and make the first step to move on.

Anyway, just this afternoon we had a chat on the phone. Noting she still can't get over ex, there isn't much to talk about except platonic conversations etc. Did touch on stuff like us a little but generally, she'll just brush it off by telling me she doesn't want to talk about it. She did mentioned I didn't ask you to hold on etc, just move on. And, don't expect anything or have any hopes. I just want to be alone but then, I found her in some online dating sites and she said she needed distraction. She asked me to go dating instead.

Well, quite speechless but I didn't pursue much on this phone call and kept things simple. To sum up, the 2 words is.. move on. Lol, doing it is another altogether. Perhaps time will tell..

 

[lemonzil]

cut it off quick and move on. all the best. dont look back.

 

[italianosportivo]

Lemonzil, yes. Everything is like a roller coaster particularly for me. I guess, it's just part and parcel of it.

We did had a chat yesterday. She kind of said I don't get it but eventually she realized I do. Well, it's a matter of her feeling frustrated and agitated because she knows she hurts me a lot, yet I'm staying around to give her support unconditionally, and perhaps forgiven her in some ways. Because she felt very sorry and appreciative at the same time, but unable to control her emotions, she ended up chunking me aside, ignore me or scold me as her form of reaction. And with that, she also admitted that because of this, she is unable to face me even till today (although she has yet to get past her ex). She has that constant I want you to be around, but out came please go away or shy away from anything to do with "us". Okay, I know you guys get it.

All being said, I know I am opening a can of worms here and doing the opposite of what I logically know and should do. But, I can also say I don't know. The Good Morning, have a great day at work and other platonic chat's still goes on...

Very... Disconcerting and feeling jaded.

 

[lemonzil]

i can totally understand.
imo, she can't get what she wants and with you, she can fulfill the emptiness. no doubt it's not exactly what she wants but the emptiness is filled somehow.
being there not only do you no good, in fact, i feel that it's also not helping her get her mind clear enough to what she wants out of this.

i hope you can walk out of this soon. emotional roller coasters are painful and unhealthy for the mind.

 

[miloice]

Bro, humans are emotional. This is why I'm suggest to cold turkey yourself. Of course you cannot bear to. If you sincerely want to be friends with her, then all the more you need to sort yourself out.

Like what dar dar shared, many gals don't mind having such good guy friends at all. As long as they make it clear that they can only be friends. Pardon me for being frank here, in reality, both are bluffing themselves. The gals jolly well know of their affection for them. If they are sincerely caring for them as friends, they would do what's in the best interest of their friends.

Keeping them as friends basically makes it harder for them to overcome their emotional attachments. I'm saying this as a guy, most of us gone through this phase and at that moment, we just want to hold on to that attachment, that hope, that connection while completely aware that its hopeless. Gals are enjoying all the time and attention from these 'platonic' guy friends thanks to their affection for them.

 

[penguinavalanche]

She is feeling conflicted. She doesn't want u as a bf but wants you as a backup/support.

Suggestion-- ignore her completely not as a tactic to get her back but as a relief for yourself. Block her on whatsapp/fb/etc. Completely cut off everything.

Out of sight, out of mind. U will find u will get better.

 

[italianosportivo]

Thanks all for sharing your thoughts and suggestions. I guess I know all, just the moving part. I guess procrastination on moving on is as bad as not moving at all. Perhaps it is habitual, hopes, expectations and sudden lost causes the first step forward difficult. Well, at some point I have to get going, eventually..

 

[Hanjin]

Just let go, cut off all ties and get a life of your own. Indulge in a new sports or hobby, take up an overseas posting or volunteer your time with the needy; who knows, you may find someone more worthy of your affection.

 

[italianosportivo]

Again thanks for sharing your thoughts and comments.

Last Friday was rather epic as the conversation via messages ended with her telling me I'm emotionally blackmailing her and stuff. Well, it all started because we (both of us and her group of friends) booked a trip this coming weekend. She asked me if I still going and I replied: "You put me in an awkward situation and now I am forced to choose to go or not? Even though I had been looking forward to this trip, and now I'm made to choose.." Her reply was kind of expected as she said: "Then don't go.." One thing led to another trying to be nice, it ended badly with me telling her in the first place, you left me first then blah blah blah..

The conversation carried on with her telling me she already know she hurt me and asked me and I quote: "don't rub it in..". Well, just feel I'm expecting too much therefore the conversation ended a dead end. I guess I push it far enough. I mean, I'm emotional as well and two wrong doesn't make one right so the inevitable happened. Then as usual (almost everyday), she just said "I'm very tried already and good night". After that I decided to stop all contacts and the weekend went quiet.

This morning, she messaged me "good morning" and also "are you still going for the trip this weekend. Took me awhile to reply as I was also busy with some work stuff. I then said good morning and asked her: "why?". She replied: "just asking..". As her passport was with me, I then said I'll leave her passport at her reception as I'm within the vicinity of her office. She then replied: "it's ok, I'll see you tonight for dinner then you pass to me. I said: "ok"

I guess let's see how it comes out after this. I'll take it easy this time and not go with expectations. Meant to be, then meant to be. I'm not heartless kind that would start a "behind enermy lines" engagement but I know well enough we both are already at our edge. Still love her, but I think I got to manage myself at some stage..

Thoughts?

 

[lemonzil]

it's like a guessing game.

imo, you're still feeding her needs and not her wants. i dont know, i'm just guessing, she probably dont even know if she wants you to be there.
save urself the agony. let her be, that should be good enough for you period?

 

[Dar dar]

When someone comes into her life n she starts to slowly drift away....u will not only feel used...but sore too!

 

[doreamonn2013]

I have been in similar situaion previously. But was in her position. I must admit that during that time I do not know what I want and how should I deal with the situation. It is like I want the best of both world. Having a "friend" that would always be there for me but at the same time telling him that we are not possible.

In the end, my "friend" left me and I accepted it as well cos I know it is selfish of me to keep him and I cannot give him anything.

 

[italianosportivo]

Looking at this in a hollistic perspective, I doubt no one here can deny or argue the very fact that there is a right way or a wrong way. Isn't ironic, either party is going to get hurt, either party is going to be selfish one way or another, either party is going to look back and reminisce the what if and what could. Not regret per se nor am I saying anyone here is wrong, but the only way is just take it as it comes and just keep going. Take away being too analytical or statistical, life goes on and the only thing one needs is? Time.

Dinner arrangment yesterday supposed to be outside, but ended up at my place instead. Though nothing happened, she ended up packing her stuff she has at my place. She did shed some tears asking me how is she going to move on from her ex. Can't offer much but only tell her to ride through it. No amount of words or advise can make her change her mind so only way is to take a step at a time. "Eventually you'll figure your way out", I said. Well, she did mentioned drinking before sleeping is her poison to get to sleep, tears are part of it as well. My reply? The same, instead of you shouldn't and mustn't, just have to tell her slowly does it. That was all for the night and she left. After she went back, she said: "why I feel sad over you and my ex..." I just left it there..

Picture was very clear last night. Do I know what's next? It doesn't matter, because the more I go think about the right and wrong, I'll just have my emotions back to the abyss and that's a place I wouldn't want to do back to. So, figured I'll do what I have to. A day at a time until I can see beyond tomorrow. Because the future seems bleak without things that I had planned for previously, that's why it hurts. And not about the past but always the future. Truth be told, when I can one day see far enough, look deep into the future and start planning again, then I know I've moved on.

 

[lemonzil]

stay strong. hope you'll move out of this soon. take care.

 

[italianosportivo]

Thanks Lemonzil, I'll be fine and thanks for kind words.

There comes a point in time, where two people come together and make each other happy just by sharing the same thoughts, their time, lives and supporting each other with their individualistic ways. Relationship can go through a lot of things ranging from the serious to the stupid, sadness to bliss, fun to crazy. The roles a couple plays in each other's lives, priceless. Well, to a point it seems both can weather any storms. I am pretty sure it happened to each of you here sometime in the past or the blissful couples now and the many years to come.

Can anyone meet the right other half? Some say yes, some say no. And many? Skeptical about it happening and spend the whole life searching for the right one or just succumb to the fact, there isn't going to be. These are the pessimist and the optimist. Sometimes, two incompatible people can actually be real friends, true friends and lovers. For me? I've always been an Idealist and with that, I also see it as the gratification comes in the doing, not in the results (actions speaks louder than words if you set your principles right).

Many a times, no one is to be blamed or either both are. On the contrary, maybe it is just either party being a victim of circumstance. And since circumstances surround each other have changed, doesn't mean it is bad. We just don't see that as a something we can learn from, but mistakes we can't recover. Circumstance CAN change, just like time changes people. Although not completely but I'll prefer to use the word adapt than change. Again, because I am an idealist and sometimes realist, I think that it is incumbent upon those of us in opposition to try to work within what are always arduous circumstances to stretch the limits of the possible. I'm sure you get what I mean. Faith that silver lining exist.

I guess that's what I called: "That's what love is all about.."

Cheers!

 

[lemonzil]

You're most welcome.

Love is a simple but big word. Expectations is one main issue that all relationships face - not just the typical BGR.
That's where the 'right' one is often of non-existence. I once read, that finding the right one is never about being with the one you can live with but the one whom you can't live without.

Keep believing, Your time will come.

 

[LILPIXIE]

Can anyone meet the right other half? Some say yes, some say no. And many? Skeptical about it happening and spend the whole life searching for the right one or just succumb to the fact, there isn't going to be. These are the pessimist and the optimist. Sometimes, two incompatible people can actually be real friends, true friends and lovers. For me? I've always been an Idealist and with that, I also see it as the gratification comes in the doing, not in the results (actions speaks louder than words if you set your principles right).

Personally I find that people should not be too focus whether his/her other half is the right one..Gone thru a divorced and currently with my bf and things is getting pretty serious (we meet each other family, discuss about future and stuffs like tat).. My mum & sis also worried for me whether this r/ship will work out because just short 6months, my bf decided I am the one for him and he going to make things work no matter what happen. Over lunch, my sis asked whether is my bf the right one for me? I just throw the question back to her how you know whether your bf is the right one for u? She shrugged. When I direct the question to my mum, she sighz and told us actually there is a period when she thinking of divorce. Everyday the conversation between my dad n her is very very minimum. But they just work things out. Then again, I always feel my parents very lovely dovey, so also not sure whether is it my mum being paranoid -_-

I think rather than finding the right one, is much logical to find the one who willing to work things out with you. 2 person being together (regardless is right one or wrong one) will always have conflicts. But as long as the person willing to work things out with you, hold your hand regarding what happen, both of you definitely is the right one for each other.

 

[curiohubby]

Personally I find that people should not be too focus whether his/her other half is the right one..Gone thru a divorced and currently with my bf and things is getting pretty serious (we meet each other family, discuss about future and stuffs like tat).. My mum & sis also worried for me whether this r/ship will work out because just short 6months, my bf decided I am the one for him and he going to make things work no matter what happen. Over lunch, my sis asked whether is my bf the right one for me? I just throw the question back to her how you know whether your bf is the right one for u? She shrugged. When I direct the question to my mum, she sighz and told us actually there is a period when she thinking of divorce. Everyday the conversation between my dad n her is very very minimum. But they just work things out. Then again, I always feel my parents very lovely dovey, so also not sure whether is it my mum being paranoid -_-

I think rather than finding the right one, is much logical to find the one who willing to work things out with you. 2 person being together (regardless is right one or wrong one) will always have conflicts. But as long as the person willing to work things out with you, hold your hand regarding what happen, both of you definitely is the right one for each other.

This makes a lot of sense to me.

We are too focussed on finding the 'right' one or the 'perfect' one. The first notion to debunk is that there is no RIGHT or PERFECT and there never will be.

Rather, it takes two hands to clap. You need to find somebody who is willing to go through the ups and downs with you, to give and take, to love and to be loved.

 

[miloice]

it is not in perfection that we find happiness. We marry someone not because of perfect but because the relationship has become an inseparable part of us. Someone despite all the imperfections, we cannot and don't want to live without.

 

[LILPIXIE]

there is no such thing as perfection.. only perspective..

 

[italianosportivo]

Well.. it has been a very drama week. Last Saturday, I made up my mind to go for the trip knowing it will be an obligation, and I know I asked for it. Some ways I'm glad I was there, but in many I wasn't. Just say I know I deserve the beating knowingly walking into the bottomless pit.

It was a great place no doubt, but things went down south when the night of drinking. A couple of her friends were there. I drank quite a lot and when it comes to the wee hours of the night, I was the only one sober and everyone else was pissed drunk. Anyway, 3/4 through the night, she suddenly cried in front of all her friends (really cry and loud kind). Couldn't feel anymore awful, I went up to the top floor (villa). About couple of mins later, she came up look for me (drunk state for her). Shortly after, she cried and said: "Why do I miss my ex and miss you at the same time, tell me how and what to do..." Was neutral with my reply and from there, we all called it a night.

Came Monday, I ignored her usual messages like good morning and stuff till like Wednesday when she went out drinking. She texted me and said she vomited. Was worried so I broke the cold turkey. But, after awhile, she said chat tomorrow.

Situation now? I was frustrated yesterday, I just simply told her it's over and why do this to continue to hurt me and stuff and then she become somewhat agitated.. things like don't you think I'm hurt too etc came from her. Took a step back and left it there.. then this morning, her only message was: "You ok?".. a few message exchanges later, she said: "sigh".

I kind of texted her good friends and mostly, the reply I get is I did my part and best, just let her go. Even she wants to date, get another guy for emotional support then so be it. Again, the consensus is to get a grip of myself and move on. Oddly, I wasn't pushing her to come back per se (although it is a distant hope and expectation) but just want her, well don't go back into the cycle. Mostly said, she tried and tried but can't find the love with you and still can't let go of her ex. Well, not that I don't know that but.. Anyway, summary is, she just needs emotional support and if you can stay to be with her, great, if not then let go.

So, I know I ought to get shot for what I did the past week.. The dilemma between worried for her, hope, giving up and etc just too overwelming. Decided it is time, I guess I can only take that much of the beating. Just got to accept and go. No right or wrong.

Feeling frustrated, tired and hurt. Struggling to keep myself composed now.

 

[LILPIXIE]

there are people who love drama and hence create drama in their lives...your ex is one of them...
if i were you, i would delete her off...
even is my friend, and she loves to create drama, i would delete her off...

 

[lemonzil]

continue to keep compose. keep it up. it will be over soon.

 

[gerbera_gal]

dude u are sweet guy, someone who has lots of love to offer and give to your partner in a relationship.
BUT please do yourself a big favour and STOP dishing out your love and affection to the wrong person and in the process get yourself cynical and jaded. c'mon u jolly well know in your heart that you definitely deserve a girl who loves you back. NOT someone who is half hearted and taking you for a ride. Stop torturing yourself already! You deserve better. Take care.

 

[italianosportivo]

Thanks to everyone here on sharing your thoughts and comments.

Moving on or letting go has been something preached to me by many, ironically including my logical self. That will be easy if one is heartless. However, emotions can be overwhelming and the internal conflicts can be a tad disconcerting and concludes with more, well for the lack of a better word, sadness.

I guess just takes time to grieve and then pick up the pieces and move forward in time to come. At this juncture, overcoming the acceptance and missing her at the same time.

A step at a time, life goes on

Thanks again guys/gals!

 

[lemonzil]

keep it going!!!!

 

[meimei1601]

Its not easy for someone to forget another when it is emotionally attached to it. However, when a breakup happen, its always easier for the person who bring up the breakup and not easy for the person who hear it and trying to accept it. As it might be a good reason or good excuses for letting go. I have face this issue on my own.

Somehow, its not the person we miss, its the memories we had together that make it difficult to move on. For some, its just blinded by hate and sadness that often than not we missed the person who is trying to bring in the sunshine. And keep having thoughts and hope that we can reconcile with the past person who call "ex"

For the story I see... Its not easy for both. And its the question on whether or not are you willing to support till the end no matter what u gain in the end? Some just give and never ask for return. Meaning... support her emotionally, support her nonsense but in the end if she had any chance to reconcile with her ex, do u bless her and be happy for her? If so, there isnt any issue, because what you want is to see her happy, support her when she needed, care for her when she needed care. But if that is not the case. than its not going to be easy for you to carry on. As its not easy for a person to just let go the past and move on.

This is what my story tells me to recognize. And hope "she" read this. We have to accept the fact that its over, There is always a reason why a person become ex. And we need to see the person who make us smile NOW, not before. We need to stop staying in the denied stage and wanting or hoping that "if only I..." "if". Than it will only allow us to move on.

As for your case. like your mentioned, you already know the answer, and you only need our perspective in this situation. But u can never step into her heart no matter what u did at this very moment. But it might or may happen to touch her in one of these days and she can realises you are the person she should treasure and look at it. But when is this day going to come? maybe tmr, maybe a year later, maybe 4yrs later... no one knows... not even her...

Jia you ba... Its not being heartless if you decide to let go..

 

[italianosportivo]

Thanks meimei101 for the insights and kind words.

I've made up my mind to let go and past few days or perhaps weeks were not easy, but only gets better. The constant struggle over messages has inevitably stopped. At that juncture, just need to start thinking for myself and move forward, whether I like it or not. Distractions or plan activities, events and other priorities, at the end of the day, we can't lie to ourselves. Emotional no doubt, but would just let it out rather than build it inside. Tears, will definitely flow. After which, continue to do what is necessary. For now, don't want to think too much into it or at the very least, keep my mind off as much as I can.

For her, I just wish her well and hope she'll straighten out her thoughts one day. At the end of the day, everyone should stay safe and continue to look forward. Take it as it comes.