Personal Space between Couples

silverash

Member
When your SO need personal space to sort out issues (not pertaining to your relationship), how do you give it to him and show him your support?

Guys - How would you like your gf/wife to show her support or behave when you need personal space to clear your thoughts?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
is this even a question?

The answer is obvious no? Who doesn't appreciate a supportive and understanding mate and prefer a woman the throw tantrums and give u hell everytime u needed time out.
 

vios

New Member
If I ask for personal space/time to do some stuffs.....


i would like her to kiss me gently, and proceed to massage me. ***

or perhaps, i prefer her to refill my coffee when it's empty and feed me patiently with snacks. **

well...maybe, she just need to shut up and leave the room. *
 

vios

New Member
Well... well.... after pondering again, her six-star reply is, "Sure, dear. Talk to me later if you need someone." with a
happy.gif


Beats the ***, ** and * anytime.
 

silverash

Member
Milo, i think you are missing the question here... It's HOW rather than will you prefer.

It will provide an insight to us females, on how not to step on landmines or even help you feel better in those times
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi silverash, yes, I did miss the question. My bad.

Back to the question then, I don't think there is fixed rule. One has to look at the situation. Gotta learn to understand your guy better. e.g. a egoistic guy will probably reject any help or suggestion unless he specifically ask for it. Sometimes, giving the guy trust that he would manage it instead of worrying for him like child. Everyone's personal spaces are different. So, landmines could differ too.

As the individual matures, I think he also needs to learn how to cope with his mate. e.g. He should be tactfully request for the need to be alone. Most of the time, people assume. They expect their mates to understand and be supportive but leave it to them to guess. Work on the communication whenever appropriate. During crisis and pressure time, is clearly not the time to try to talk about it.
 

silverash

Member
Milo: I think you said it right..

Cause that's what happen to my guy. For the 1st three days he said he was grumpy..

But then, nothing like that happened before. And being grumpy does not change an affectionate somebody to I love you no mores. He got me guessing what was wrong and my mind running in all directions. It was very torturous to us in this way

I would appreciate it that he told me right from the start that he have something on his mind and that he needs time but he will get over it.

Like what you said, I won't be telling him at this point of time. Maybe when it's all over... haiz... think he need quite some time to get this over in fact
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi silverash,

learning to speak our minds and sound off "do not distub" message to spouse isn't something natural. It is something I learnt from books and applied with some success on my own marriage.

Going into the cave is almost intuitive for guys. We just zoom straight in without realizing it.

On Midlife crisis. Its something everyone goes thr. Don't worry too much, trust him to handle it. He would come re-energized with more to offer than if you would to bother and distract him during this period.
 

silverash

Member
So being distant is common? I feel that he is emotionally disconnected from me. He appears exhausted and distracted while we are alone, but chatty and bubbly when friends are around. A common trait, wearing a mask?
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
for me, these are low periods in life when one becomes disillusioned and question where their life is heading. It could be due to career issues, family pressure, religion, a sudden realization or any drastic episode in their lives that trig it.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
So, its not just about personal space? The 'moody' emotions are afterall pertaining to the trouble relationship?
 

ahrainrain

New Member
I hope you can move on..

Can anybody share with me what is the meaning of SO? I have been trying to figure this out for a long time..
 

silverash

Member
I'm a sacrifice of his lost identity.

Everyone has a light and dark side. Apparently i did not know the existence of his dark side, falling in love with his lighter side. Devoted, caring and giving. He desperately tried to be someone who is not the real him, trying to suppress who he really was. When i met him, he was already in the "good man" role.

Found a girl online, who could push the right buttons to his inner side and had an online affair. The distance between us was just due to his guilt eating on him.

The girl is staying in Australia and in an abusive marriage. Platonic comforting to a friend leads to more and he said he did not know how it happens. It just did...

Our relationship probably was never strong as it stumbles at the slightest temptation. He said he lost faith in himself. He made promises to me because he had faith in himself before. But obviously he still had a long way to go and now he is not sure anymore.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
The fear of disappointment on standards set by ourselves. The fundamental of any relationship, we need to be comfortable to be ourselves with our mates. If we are always trying to be the perfect partner, this add an unnecessary pressure. Its a matter of time, the pressure will wear down the determination and endurance we once had.
 

silverash

Member
I'm not trying to look a perfect partner.

The thing is i don't have expectations. He acted according to his own expectations, but failed miserably.

I guessed he already portrayed one side of him to me, it makes it hard for him to portray the other side
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
hi shirurinu,

its not about you looking for a perfect partner. But instead its about him trying so hard to live up to his perfect image. I think this is a stage many guys go through. We do alot of things to impress and then found it hard to sustain. As we matures, we realized this aren't what we really want and need afterall. In a way, its imposed pressure. And the expectation that his partner has because how he constantly conceal the true him is completely natural and understandable.

At the end of the day, he might find it so suffocating and knowing someone as a friend rather than lover, its so much more natural and comfortable. At the initial stage of breakup, the instinctive thing to do is search for answers... reasons to make peace with our inner hearts. Are you experiencing that right now?

Relationships fail or succeed not because of how many right or wrong decisions we make. Finding how wrong either party was doesn't change history. The constructive part of reflection is to build the future. We discover something new about ourselves and our needs.

Take time to heal. When the initial 'shock' period is over, then u would look forward to moving on. Channeling your attention to other aspects of your life.
 

silverash

Member
Thanks Milo for your advice...

I have been grieving much the past few days. Tend to burst into tears at the slightest.

But i'm much better now and i can say, my mind is cleared. I do not harbour the hopes of getting back this relationship anymore as i know clearly, that unless he isn't confused, the vicious cycle will just remain and will i be able to take another blow again?

I just want to love myself more now, and i do not want to think about what lies ahead for me in the future... I'll just go with the flow..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"I just want to love myself more now"

that's a good start. the 1st step to recovery is to stop punishing yourself but start loving and caring for yourself more.
 

miko2006

New Member
HI Miloice,

You said:-

It's not about looking for the perfect partner.................
We discover something new abour ourselves and our needs!

This is " WHAT " exactly my ex hubby said TO ME when he initated a seperation and he call it a mid life crisis...

I do not understand EVEN till now

WHAT is a mid life crisis IN men???

WE have to take it and accept that any changes is possible in a marriage - NOT everyone is hounouring the vows we took

in BETTER OF FOR WORSE, from this day onwards, forsaking others, we will STAY together FOR EACH OTHER till death do ur part...

DON"T worry i m not walking back to that miserable denialling stage...I just hope coulpes who choose to marry to and take their marriage seriously.
 

smileyclara

New Member
Hi miko,

im not a guy and im not sure what is mid life crisis in men.

But what i want to say is, we have heard of too much breaking up in BGR and divorce cases. i believe for any couple, even if they had been together for 10 yrs or 20 loving yrs and decide to get married, noone in this world can guarantee that the man will not change his heart one day, same for the lady.

You mention " WE have to take it and accept that any changes is possible in a marriage ....". (my personal view) You are absolutely RIGHT!
 

tizaneh

New Member
communal support is important and that's y this forum exists. dont feel low for too long and the pain will go away if you learn to heal the wound.

go for a haircut and change your look for CNY. would represent that u r all ready for a change.

all the best!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
miko,

most people really meant the vows when they exchanged them. But situation and people changes. The context becomes completely different. Cannot speak for the rest but I never believe in promises. If someone is committed, they don't need vows, promised or some legal paper to stay commited. If someone isn't or cannot remain commited, then what use is the piece of paper? Rather, I appreciate what we have and cherish every moment. Working hard to remain committed together regardless what vows were or were not made.

Frankly vows are nothing. So are promises. Everthing is situational. Its just that we like to hear and believe the beautiful picture. Promises are static, the environment we are in isn't. These words only hold true within the context only.
 

sylar

New Member
If vows are not kept sacred, the constitution of marriage not upheld, I fear for the society we are bringing our children into.

Marriage forms the structure with which to build a family. It is this cohesion that provides stability for the children to grow and nurture.

Unfortunately, I agree with you miloice, situations and people change. However, it goes to show how our own values have degenerated over the years. People take vows lightly. Rather than working towards common goals, men and women have become individualistic and selfish. Love is overrated; Commitment is merely a nasal growl that sounds like a word. People look for instant gratification, the here the now. Barriers are broken where once they were considered taboo.

It's sad how our society has degenerated. When I was first shocked into my current predicament, I thought I was the exception rather than the society's norm. Recent statistics proved otherwise. Browsing this forum and other similar forums reaffirms what statistics have proved.

I don't know how long I can shield my children from this ugly world, they're so innocent, bright and cheery. I shudder when the time comes.
 

tizaneh

New Member
yup, agree with Milo, promises are meant to be broken. which of us really stayed true to all the promises and resolutions that we make from time to time?

the world has indeed changed for the worse and it can get very disgusting.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Sylar, on the contrary, one shouldn't be shielding from reality. Instead, recognize its evil. In everything there are more than one perspective of things. Yes, there isn't a value in promises. This realization teaches us not to be naive and place blind faith on some vows or paper.

That may not be a bad thing. Instead, we should be placing value on PEOPLE. Relationships and marriage is all about people no? Not some promises or vows. No matter how in love 2 are when they marry but makes no effort to continue the courtship, communication and commiment beyond taking that oath, what is the point of the made belief vow? The world isn't ugly, its such a big and dramatic environment, i.e. all kind of things, relationship and people exist. if we make the difference to our friends and family lives. We ourselves, make the diff.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
I believe whatever things we say, be sincere about it. Promises are nothing more than a form of assurance needed by the other party. It has no value to me because only myself will know how much or little the words spoken weigh to me. If I mean what I want to commit, there is no need for some formal declaration to prove or add value. I only do so to reassure those around because its matters to them. The Wedding and marriage vows are commitment needed by the practical reasons, society, family and partner for the false sense of assurance and commitment. I focus on my relationship with my wife. I would very much want to walk this walk with her for life. But, this only holds true while it still make sense for the both of us. If eventually, it becomes a torture for her, why would I even bear to drag it on?
 

silverash

Member
Milo: If eventually, it becomes a torture for her, why would I even bear to drag it on?

I second this and this is the reason why i did not even try to salvage when he told me "I love you but i am in love with her"

Although I still love him as much as before, never lesser, I know i have to let him go already.

I just finished sobbing again, after 9 days of the breakup. Told myself have to be strong and carry on the journey forward alone. But the tears doesn't seems to stop.

Whatever it is, I appreciate all your comments here. Those who were in a similar position like me before, or after, I really wish you all the luck.

Miko: DON"T worry i m not walking back to that miserable denialling stage...I just hope coulpes who choose to marry to and take their marriage seriously.

I wish I will have the strength like you..
 

miko2006

New Member
Hi Silverash,

Thanks for your compliments BUT please
go and look though all my previous postings...

HOW MUCH adivse and "wake up" calls I got from all the friends here...

I was in that denialling stage for "2 YEARS" after seperation with hubby...I went back to please, to beg, to ask for a reconiliation!!!

TIMES do play a part and up to some points...U will tell urself IT IS enough...I can't tell U when IS urs ...AS you might still have to knock the doors many many many times to WAKE UP

FOR ME, i gotto look & move forward ...

AS that road which i wanted to return to HAS LONG been cut off!!!
 

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