Overly possessive boyfriend

How would you handle a overly posessive boyfriend??

Let me explain:

My younger sister just entered into a r/s with this guy who have been after her for quite some time. More than 3 years i think.

They began dating early this year, & is very very much in love.

So much so that the guy can stand right outside my sister's workplace to wait for her to go lunch/off work!

By the way, he is a undergrad, & on days when he has no lessons, he will come to my parents house, pick her up for work, wait for her outside the bank, (my sis works in a bank) & this has been going on for many months now!!

Every night, (Mondays to Sundays) he comes to our place, sit around until 10.30pm, before heading home...

We (my patents/elder sis/bro-in-law/Hb & myself) find that he lies alot, (becoz he lied to my dad before & my dad exposed him) is insincere & very good @ acting!

On 2 occasions, he came to the house in the wee hours of the morning to bang on our door, & on one occasion, broke the door knob...

We advised my sister upteen times that he is a jerk, & yet she still chooses to be with him...

Last week, HB & i had planned to bring the folks to the night safari.

So i sms-ed my sister to ask if they wanted to go too...

There was no reply... (Hb also called my sister & asked her. She said she will call him back, which she never did..)

So, i sms him. After about 2 hours, he replied & asked if my sister was going..

I replied that i'm not sure, becoz she has not replied my sms, & asked him if he was interested, & again, i got no reply..

At about 4pm, my sister called my mum & informed that she didn't feel like going, becoz she was very tired & she wanted to head home to rest..

Then my Mum asked her if her bf was coming becoz my parents forbids them to be home alone.. (This applies to all of us while we were dating)

She told my mum that he will be heading home to study, & she will be home alone..

So, we happily went & prepared for our night safari trip..

6pm, my sister came home, with her bf!!!!

I was shocked, & asked her didn't she tell mum that she'll be home alone??? She kept quiet..

In the end, we had to cancel the night safari trip & stayed home..

I was hopping mad with her bf! (not becoz we didn't make it to the NS, but becoz i didn't understand why the need to lie)

Until now, we're still not on talking terms...

A few days ago, while my sis was in the showers, the bf called... When my sister came out of the showers, the bf accused me of rejecting his call, which i did not, & my sister & i ended up in a shouting match!

I got even angrier!!!!

Then, yesterday, we saw him again, & he tried to act friendly, which i ignored!!!

Later, he sms-ed hb to ask him to apologise on his behalf, & that he 'didn't mean' to hurt me!

Another incident happened 2 weeks ago during my cousin's ROM.

My 9 yr old cousin was playing ballons with my sister..

Suddenly, we heard the bf scream @ the top of his voice @ the little boy! We were all shocked & asked the boy what happened..

My cousin said that he had accidently pushed the ballon into my sister face!!

Is there a need to shout @ a 9 yr old just becoz of that??!!!

The boy's mum gave a i-dunno-how-to-explain kind of look...

My bro in law told us that he once saw the bf squeezing my 9 month old baby newphew very hard on the cheeks, becoz the baby pulled my sister's hair...

I seriously dunno how to tell my sis that this is seriously not the guy for her..

All our advises fell on deaf ears..

My parents are getting very worried that should one day my sister finally wakes up from her dream & breaks up with that guy, the guy might just kill her...

We're all very very worried!!!!
 


powder

Active Member
"overly possessive" isn't the term to use here...

u guys prob just have to treat the fella like a pariah... why be frenly?
 

powder

Active Member
treat him like an outcast n reject... instead of giving your sister false hope by acting like u'd sort of accept him.
 

cuclainne

New Member
he sounds like a nasty piece of work but your sister is probably taken with him and sees it as being lovingly protective of her ...
 
powder,

even before they got together, my dad already made his stand very clear that he will not approve of the r/s..

if my sis insist to go into a r/s with him, they will not have my dad's blessings..

My dad ignored my sis for almost 2 weeks when we found out about the r/s..

My sis started spending a whole lot of time outside with the bf, & comes home only very very late @ night..

So, my mum, elder sis & myself started getting very worried, & we spent quite sometime talking my dad out of the disapproval..

Although we very much hate to talk my dad out of the disapproval, (coz we did not approve of this r/s very much ourselves) but seeing my sister often keeping late nights, we decided that this cannot go on, thus the relenting & talking dad out of the disapproval..

We told dad to give him a chance, give them a chance.. who knows the r/s might just work out??

But, we were terribly wrong..

Eversince the 'acceptance', our lives became like sitting on a roller coaster...

Whenever they quarrelled, we'll have the hell of time.. The banging of doors, breaking of door knobs, in the wee hours of the mornings..

Or when they quarrelled outside, the guy can jus walk off, leaving us with a mind full of ?????..

Does anyone here knows how to handle this??? We're @ our wits ends...

My parents are freaking worried!!!
 

powder

Active Member
very much on your sister actually... she's keeping the door open.

i'm not sure why u guys are inviting them to zoo and all that and disapproving at the same time... i dun think it makes sense. it's sending out mixed signals rite?

honestly, i would not know how to handle it except to speak to sis... to know why this guy.
 

faith23

New Member
I felt that your sis is an adult now to face whatever outcome she caused. The more your family wanted to stop her will only lead her to wanting this relationship more. Let her go and learn an lesson. You and family got to learn to let go. There is nothing much you all can do for her now except to be there for her when things really turn out badly at her end.
 
powder,

like i've mentioned in the previous post, we're taking the risk & want to give him a chance to prove us wrong about our impression of him..

what else could we have done if we do not try accepting him??

We tot that, if we tried accepting him, he will change for the better, (stop lying, his temper etc) but we were proven wrong, with the series of events that has been happening..
 
faith,

we want to let go, but we can't..

Becoz this guy is really capable of doing anything!!!

If he can break/bang our door in the middle of the noght, scream @ a little boy, & ill treat an infant, what else can he not do??

We are very vexed...

Hoping for a miracle....
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
its not up to you all to let go or not. The tighter you want to control, the more it destroys the bond.

Even if she makes a terrible mistake with him, your sis needs to learn that lesson herself. You cannot decide for me. She will only resent you.
 

powder

Active Member
the chances of that happening is as high as YOU & Family, changing for him... would u?

sadly, it's always the ladies who give the chances against all odds to get themselves hurt... this is a family nucleus, it isn't the yellow ribbon project, which has a higher rate of success as there's reform.

but put all that aside, i think only thing u can do now is to disallow him to come into your household n household activities... u can love your sister to the best of your ability, but u cann control her nor her life. there are bad pple in this world, and there will always be inmates in prisons... sometimes they can be closer to home than just reading abt them in the papers.
 

matka

Member
I think he isn't just possessive. He's obsessed with your sister.

When does he graduate? Things may change when he finds work and busies himself. But I'm not hopeful because this is just inherent in his nature.

Does your sister recognise that he has a problem?
 

faith23

New Member
Naughty,
Other than been worrying for your sis what can you do? Since nothing can be done why not try your best to relax for now and be ready for the outbreak? No matter what you all got to let your sis to go through this stage of her life. All of us got to be responsible toward our own life. You might not know after this lesson she will be more careful and selective toward what a man he wanted in the future. If a person refuse to take advice you got to let her fall hard hard. I know is painful to see her fall but this is her life she control it not you all. See it from a positive side. Do have a final talk with your sis tell her that you all dont wish to see her fall but if she really want to choose this path no matter what happened you and family will be there for her, after this do not nag about it anymore. Time will slowly unfold her blinded in love eyes...
 

fugitlah

New Member
HI Ms Naughty,

Let go and just be there when she needs a shoulder to cry on.

I used to be in a r/s long time ago and my family did not like my bf/hubby then. In the end, they were proven right when he cheated on me. That was when I realised family is the best.
No pt talking to her when she is madly in love. When she "wakes" up one day, she will realise how stupid she was.
Good luck..
 
matka,

i believe my sis knows about his problem, but chooses to wallow in denial, no matter how we point out the series of events thats been happening, she will simply brush it off...

She's the smartest amongst the 3 sisters, thats why we didn't understand why can she be so silly this time round...

Thing is, she still thinks that she can change him into a better person..

FYI, the bf is very short & obese, while my sister is pretty & carries herself very very well..

Even all my relatives couldn't believe this match!
 

erniesurn

New Member
Little Miss,

Maybe it's good to talk to him and win him over as a friend.

Sometimes treating him like enemy just prolongs the problem.

Hopefully, if he becomes friendlier, his attitude might change. Good Luck!
 

powder

Active Member
there's an inclination amongst ladies to be the one to tame wild horses... tat's where the bad boys and the lousy ones come in... this nurturing tendency that makes them think they can change a person.

it is pretty easy to hook girls like that... just be a bad boy.
 
ern,

We tried opening him up, but his door remained closed, in the sense that if we see him & he sees us @ the bus stop near our place, he is always quick to turn his backs on us.

He does that to my parents too!

But when my sister is around, he is usually very 'friendly' & greets my parents with a happy voice...

Once my sister is away from him, he is a total different man!

Sigh!
 

erniesurn

New Member
Little miss,

I understand this reaction from him, i think he still feels shutout and doesnlt want any interaction.

Maybe it would be liberating on your part to be patient, reach out and be friendly with him, in time, he may opened himself up for conversation. Just be patient.
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
As parents or sister I don't think we can control your sister.

The best is to reach out to your sister. Hear what she has to say. Don't have to say anything bad about the bf. Is your sister ok with him, coming to wait for her at her work place, etc etc..

If you are unable to reach out to your sister, how about your sister's friends. Any close friends that she will talk to?

I am only hearing your parents and your opinion and his behaviour.. But what is your sister thinking? Do you know? Or how your sister view the relationship. In what way is the guy attractive to your sister? If you don't understand your sister, I don't think you can resolve this.
 
sm,

we're baffled @ why she ended up with this guy in the very first place!

She seemed to be very much in love with this guy, (& vise versa) so much that we think that she might be blinded by love, & not recognise the problem with that guy..

As for the waiting for her to off work part, my parents really think he's going overboard, by standing right outside the bank to wait for her..

I mean, he can go to the nearby shopping centre opposite the bank to wait, wait @ the library (@ the same time he can study for his upcoming exams) but he doesn't!

Let's just say they're forever together every waking moment, everyday...

The only times they're not together is when the guy has classes to attend thats it.

We've always tot we know my sis very well (coz we shared the same room before our wedding) & we used to talk, laugh, joke, cry together in the room...

We don't know if she is the same person anymore coz we dun seem to know her anymore...
 

simpleman

Active Member
Exactly.. Connect to your sister again. Don't judge her bf. Don't judge her. Just connect and listen to her first. Without hearing her and just saying things - it won't come to anything.

Yes, the waiting bit is too much but why you care so much? Why your family care so much. It should be your sister.. as long as he is not interfering with her work.. and is not a nuisance at her work place - he can wait. I think you people has to open up first.. don't judge and try to connect with her.
 
sm,

we're not judging him.

As the saying goes, æ—观者清..

Sigh.. Looks like we really have to let go.. that seems to be the only way out..
 

faith23

New Member
Naughty,

Your sis need time to wake up from the blind spot. Dont be discourage she will come back to you all one day...Blood is thicker than water!!
 

simpleman

Active Member
littlenaughty,

The things you said about him.. yes, it is judging.. I mean, why should you care if he got all the time to wait for your sister as her workplace?

don't talk in that kind of mode. You cannot engage your sister if there is no connection.
 

amulet

New Member
no good advice to offer..

just wans to say, he(sis's bf) sounds abit psychotic from TS's description.. gives me the creeps.. *eeks*
 

simpleman

Active Member
littlemsnaughty,

Sigh.. Looks like we really have to let go.. that seems to be the only way out..


Yes. Let go so that you can grasp more. You hold on to something too tightly only suffocate it. You grasp something too tight you only clenching your fists. Open up your hands can grasp more things. Retreat a step, you can see more.

When your sister is stubborn you have to use the soft approach. The most important is for you as sister to connect with her.. and hear her out.
 
sm,

thanks...

Will do just that..

Hope she'll come to her senses one day soon, before anything drastic happens!!!

her safety is our outmost concern..
 

Top