May I know that if once you are married( especially for women), is it true that you are "supposed" to give up your dreams? If both husband and wife don't have a common goal in life, then is the wife "supposed" to align her goal towards the husband's one?
Sometime, the problem is since its a dream, people don't treat it seriously or they don't understand the implication or impact to their marriage life. What if our dream changed or have new dreams after marriage?
When is the best time to talk about such thing? My bf's dream is to work hard for a few years then go for volunteer works in those underdeveloped countries for 1 or 2 years then start the cycle again...I guess is the bad influence from his church...he asked me to join him...ok...I don't mind travelling and meeting new people but volunteer work...never done it before...he likes to live the life of a nomad...I love roaming around different places too but people need to settle down at a point...we help people but we also need to think for ourselves too...well...I hope his dream is just a dream..I can't discuss such thing seriously with him as I am not sure we will get married eventually...
why shouldn't you discuss such matters with him, outcast? after all, if it does lead to marriage between you eventually, wouldn't it be better to have talked about this beforehand especially since you have issues with his dream?
My bf's dream is to work hard for a few years then go for volunteer works in those underdeveloped countries for 1 or 2 years then start the cycle again...I guess is the bad influence from his church...he asked me to join him...ok..
Bad influence? I mean bad influence from his church that he wants to do volunteer work?
TS: I don't think so, not so much on giving up or sacrificing your dreams but more on to see if a compromise can be reached? Readjustments might be involved but not so much on one part sacrificing to match the other party.
The crux is discussion, to communicate and to be serious about it. A lot of people do not realise how important that is. Things will change, but you need to be with someone whose values are aligned, and you can adjust from there.
Many times, I believe, people either don't talk about it. Or they just go along and in a lovey-dovey state say, "yes, yes, yes... I will do this with you and I will do that with you. I will travel the ends of the earth...". But they realise that their lies catch up with them when struck with the reality of the situation.
When is the best time? NOW is the best time. Way before he proposes, especially.
Ok, SM, may be I didn't make myself clear, what I meant was the way he is doing it and not the volunteer work itself. There are 2 guys in his church doing such things that my bf wanted to do and they are quite close buddy. His church did organise volunteer works to other countries.
Matka and cuclainne
I actually have no problem with him doing volunteering works or taking a few years of his time to do that, I would also love to follow him(and I will this year end) as I can felt his enthusiasm and passion and the happiness he derive from helping others. What I concern about is his longterm plan and felt weird asking him when he didn't even propose to me, I mean who am I? I am only his gf not his wife/fiance...we should not be presumptious...moreover I am a gal so abit paisei lah...but I think both of you are right..will find a more subtle way of probing him...
So, sometime people say we need to communicate our dreams or goals with our partner but it really boils down to timing and how serious is the other party about their dreams.
Outcast, gf also can chit-chat about future plans. Instead of asking about his plans about "us", you can ask him to share his own long-term plan with you. If you two are still new to each other, refrain from asking how he plans to integrate your two individual plans. Listen with an open mind and heart.
have your own passions and interests and let them be your guiding principle in whatever you do.
dont become one of those tag-along women. you see them everywhere. sitting like a stupid stuffed toy by the golf course, on the bench during soccer tournaments, etc. if you simply tag along without any passion for the activity, it would be simply a waste of your time and youth.
We have been together for about 2 year plus and may be both of us are still young so we rarely talk about marriage or family..we only talk about own plan, goals and dream...although I met his parents last year when he invited me to their Christmas day gathering. I would like to check with you gals under what circumstances when your bf and you start talking about marriage, family or life together etc...after he pop the question? Does he started talking such things first...anyway..normally when he will pop the question huh...may be I think too much liao..keke..but he did invite me to join some of his buddies or family activities....
May be I am very practical and singaporean in thinking, I tend to think about the material aspect like house, career, financial security, car, children's eduction etc...
Yes, I understand. I love travelling(especially to remote area or villages as I love nature) and meeting new people or trying out new activities and he has been telling me a lot about his trips or volunteering works which I fouund it quite interesting and inspiring...yes...I have never done it before but I would like to give it a try...through the process it will also strengthen our bond and relationship...his face brigthen up whenever he talk about it and I am curious to find out his source of happiness...keke...roaming the world is my childhood dream too...of course if I don't like I will not agree...just like asking me to join his church or faith...I told him I am not very keen...he understood and let me be...
Outcast: I don't think there is a standard or good time for such stuffs. It depends on the indvidual's comfort level. As for me, my HB and I dated for 6 yrs before we ROM. We met each other families before reaching our first yr anniversary and we talked about our future when we were in our 2nd or 3rd yr together.. Wun say it is good but it might be helpful to know what your partner has in mind or where he or she might be moving towards for his or her future at times?
Outcast, do you foresee yourself marrying your bf?
I don't really have an answer for your question because I am in a different phase in life. Marriage is totally optional for me, having been divorced a few years ago. I am just feeling very happy that with my bf, it is not a must to get married to each other. He has expressed the desire to grow old together and I can imagine it coming true because I feel very comfortable with him in my life.
Outcast, even though you have answered a "yes", you feel uncertainty to some degree about the relationship due to his long-term plan. You are somewhat worried that he may go into full-time voluntary work funded by others.
Outcast, did you realise the contradiction in your thoughts? On one hand you said you will agree to marry him if he were to ask for your hand now. But at the same time, you have doubts over his ability to ensure that his wife and children can have a reasonable living standard.
I know but with the time I have with him, my view of him gradually changed. I see a determined, kind, loving and perseverant guy who know what he want in life...I admire his passion and enthausiasm about his goal...he told me his plans and asked me to join him but he forgot to tell me how I will fit into his life...I wanted to ask but never...so now I will have probe to get the answer and not appear like..you know...some how, he also change my view about life too...may be its not everything about us or I...I don't know...may be I will not be so materialistic 5 years down the road...and my concern now is not a concern anymore...you know, I have only one person to worry in this world which is my mom...at some point of my life in the future... I will able to put down everything here and follow him to where ever he want to go...
Yalor but lucky still not too late...thanks for all the advise here...
Good thoughts, Niche, but what if things go the other way of the spectrum? Like you will become more materialistic five years down the road, and your concern now becomes an even bigger and more urgent concern later. Of course it may or may not happen like that, but I hope you will always choose to be honest with yourself and your needs.
Outcast: I think being practical doesn't realli equates to being materialistic. It is important to know what you want instead of brushing it off and hoping that things might work out somewhere, somehow.
Keke...you see, if we think too much things get complicated...sometime I felt that beside my mom there is really nothing here to root me...I am ready to move to anywhere which is also my dream to see the world and experience other cultures..yes...financial security is always on my mind due to my past experience but at time I have this impetus to just put down everything here and go to different places...I mean what the hack...I have no kids and only myself...how worst can it be...I will able to support myself somehow...actually like him I have plan to save up enough money and probably take half or a year to travel to places like tibet, nepal, sikkim, western china etc, I don't like the usual tour but like to stay at a place for sometime to experience the local culture and daily life...I am planning to go alone...pathetic right..but strangely I like to travel alone...until he came along...hmm...I know its quite conflicting thoughts...probably I don't really know what I want in life now...may be I should learn to let go more...to follow what you love and desire...keke...abit sentimental this morning...too lorso liao...ok...back to work and reality...
Outcast: Like your bf, my HB and I used to harbour thots of travelling for overseas voluntary work, but to a certain extent, due to my health, family concerns etc it is not practicable and time is not on our side etc.
Not being sentimental though, jus what Doll has suggested, you have to be honest with yourself and needs.
Nichie, we can't do all things at the same time especially if and when we do not have all the resources needed. That's where priority comes in. So you decide whether to travel the world or build your career first. But of course taking half a year off work to travel shouldn't be a big problem for a young person like yourself. So, why not?
Yes..I understand..that's why I am trying to save whatever I can now and hopefully by another 2-3 years time I will able to do it. Coincidentally, he has similar plan for his volunteer work...so may be can combine both together...doll/LW...what is your dream in life?
I understand but when I am old I might not have the strength, spirit or endurance to go those places I want to go as it may encompasses lots of hard labour or primitive accomodation....so might not be suitable for old age travel...may be by the time I am old, my mood is different or physically weak and just want to stay at home....we are only young once so I would like to do sometime that you will not do when you are older or have a family...something that even you will regret later but still have time to work yourself up again..I don't know whether you understand what I am saying but what are your dream in life?...become a millionaire?
Nichie, I thought you can pack and travel anytime, that is, you have the funds now. That was why I had said why not do it when you are young.
But you still need to save up for a few more years and by the time you come back from your travel, what would it be for you? If you can just pick up from where you have left off, good. But if you have to start all over again from scratch it only means you fail to plan well to begin with.
The title draws me to share my current dilemma. My fiance and I work in the same place and now I am facing a problem in which the company wants to promote me but if I accept, my fiance has to leave. Though I have rejected the offer because we both want to stay in the same company, I was rather disappointed with him lately and wondered at times if I have been giving in too much and giving up my dreams at work for him when he just take things for granted. He does not demand very much from his work except to just do what he should. He does not want to put in extra and does not plan to level up to something else. There is no long-term plan in work and of course, he will only meet expectations...
And here I am doing what I enjoy doing and putting in my best, our work attitudes contradict and I always thought we could still work things out with different expectations.
Then, with no promotion or recognition, how to save money to buy house and for marriage?
Even before marriage, I take very good care of him despite the work that I have but I can't help but feel upset with his attitude because he is not proactive in learning to think for two. Starting to get tired, and I wonder, if we are married, how much more is demanded of me to give things up for us?