Not sure what to do

yinchu

New Member
I and my Husband know each other for 8 years and married for 3 years plus. His temper is bad. Even during dating, he ever raised voice at me and pinch me whenever we had argument and can’t control his temper. I have been asking him to go for anger management course or stress management. And he quit the job where we know each other just before our wedding, he claimed the job gave him a lot of stress and other physical discomfort. Things got better after he quit. At that time, we still quarrelled but not to that extent that result in physical or emotional abuse. During our marriage, he remained jobless. We started having arguments over multiple things. He was staying at my mom place at that time. One of the things we always quarrel is about bathing. He always don’t shower after a Long day at work, and only shower after his bowel or before going to work. So I won’t allow him to sleep on bed if he don’t shower, so he end up sleeping on floor most of the time and that makes the floor super oily and slippery which I hated. So we quarrelled over and over again. At that time he also struggling to find a permanent job. After argument, we often ended up in cold war for days and even weeks. He also had a hard time living with my mom due to his habit such as not brushing teeth, not showering, laundry at late night, keep the light switched on overnight. Due to this, we also had argument over and over again. I would ask him to move back to his mom place as he was having hard time living together with my mom. But his mom don’t allow him to move back, if he does, they would take it as divorce. Besides, there were few times that he pulled me out from the room and caused a big bruises on my thigh, or hit my hand with his fist. During this time, I have been thinking of getting divorce. But due to the bto we have purchased, I urge for counselling and he also moved out from my mom place after 2 yrs of marriage. Many of my friends and relatives have warned me before and after the wedding. But I was hesitating and he was remorseful and claimed he would not be violent again.

However even after he moved out, he screamed at me in the public few times due to argument over renovation, safety and something other issues which I can’t recall. Each time he also mentioned he was sorry and claimed he was too stressed up over work issue or renovation issues. As we continued our counselling with care corner, things slowly improved.

Finally, our renovation is over. We have moved in to our new flat. There was soooo much things to do, so much things to get at that time. We had a lot of different opinions on what appliances to get. On that night, he fetched me from work. While on the way back home, we had some minor conflicts over which vacuum cleaner to get. Yes, vacuum cleaner. Then progress to the key holder, to our schedule. Then he literally lost his mind. He bite me over my chin and my ear just because I refused to listen to him and standby my will. So I cried and wanted to go back to my mom place. But he subsequently pulled my hairs and hold me down to the bed, not allowing me to walk out of the room. I was so frightened and tried to struggle out of his arms and hide under the bed. While I was still crying and hiding under the bed, he claimed that he disagreed with my point and just wanted to clarify and have a talk with me. He claimed that if I move out, he won’t get a chance to talk to me. He even asked me to call police on that night which I didn’t. But I still make a police report subsequently. And again, he was remorseful and claimed he was very stressed up over work. he even had signs of fainting spells and chest tightness every often due to stress to prove that he really stressed up. On the same night, he arranged an appointment with psychologist for his anger and stress issue. Meantime, we also have an appointment with the counsellor at care corner next week.

Sorry for such a Long story.

Anyway I was so lost after this incident. Considered that we just moved in, all the efforts we have made (renovation, appliances, furniture shopping, decision mostly done by me), the money we have invested in (all paid by me as he do not have savings, he will pay me back in installments). Some said i should give him one last chance, since I have made police report and he has made effort to seek help. Some said I should divorce as he has been verbally and physically abusive over the years, and it’s not the first time. I’m really lost. Over the years, I have been thinking about divorce, but was tied by the flat, and hoped things will get better. But it doesn’t. On the other hand, the efforts I have put in, the money I have invested in (apart from the furniture, lightings, appliances, the renovation loan was also taken under my name), and the flat is less than 5 yrs. I really don’t know whether I should file for divorce.

Note: we have been sexless since marriage as he claimed he had some skin issue which have been addressed by now.
 

scarletpixie

New Member
Marriage counselling is a mandatory. They may have a better solution or advices to save your marriage.

It seems your husband is under a lot of mental stress, it's good to visit a psychologist and seek for help. Maybe getting him to relax, meditate or some other stress-relief activities.

Can i know how long this have been happening?
 

rip_curl

Member
From my reading, this has been on-going for a couple of years perhaps.

I am not sure if marriage counselling is suitable in your case at this point in time. It has more to do with his habits and mental health rather than the marriage itself. No? If he is unable to be thinking straight, I doubt marriage counselling works. He has to be able to think properly as a man and a husband first because marriage counselling take both to make it a success.

Worry abt the D later if you are keen to make this marriage work still. Focus on your husband's recovery in his mental well being. If you think its not worth it (you know best if you can still pin your hope on him to be a better person: 8years + 4 years of marriage=12 years) for your own sanity, go for the D. Imagine one day you have kids, it will be worst and why waste your youth with him.

What was your purpose of the police report? For record purposes? If he does not change and keeps abusing you, go lodge a police report again and get a medical screening form so that your injury can be examined. It will be useful for you in future for your D proceedings if contested. You can also file for a Personal Protection Order (PPO) against your hb if he keeps abusing you so that he cannot come near you within a certain range else the Police has the right to arrest him.

Good Luck
 

newproject

Active Member
To be honest, I almost giggled when I read you guys got into blows over a key holder??

and I'm also very aware that this is just one side of the story.....

But one thing is clear , both of you are a horrible fit.

If you really want this marriage to work you will need to also try to change yourself , learn how to "fight/argue" without triggering each other.

Someone ask why you married him despite all the warning signs, wild guess you are early to mid 30s already... think you running out of time?

Edit That said I agree , if he is really as bad as you say and it's all him not you then divorce.
 

jckoh

New Member
The fact that you’re on this forum and written the above shows you’re also self rationalising. You’ve seen clearly what he is like before and during marriage. Not having savings, relying entirely on you for the renovation and housing, not able to get his own life together with even basic things like being prim and proper is very alarming. Being sexless during the entire duration of marriage is also alarming. Are you sure, because for the house, you like to spend the rest of your life with him? Don’t wait till you both bring kids into the picture, you would still most likely be questioning yourself time and time again all the above. If finances and the flat is a concern, then take a clean break, lead your own lives, and divorce once your flat MOP. Otherwise, if time (your youth) is a bigger concern, then forget abt the house and divorce right away. If you both have not consummated your marriage, should be e
 

yinchu

New Member
Marriage counselling is a mandatory. They may have a better solution or advices to save your marriage.

It seems your husband is under a lot of mental stress, it's good to visit a psychologist and seek for help. Maybe getting him to relax, meditate or some other stress-relief activities.

Can i know how long this have been happening?
He quit his previous job due to stress. I would say his stress management skills is very poor and it’s been there since I know him. But things got worse after he quit his permanent job 3 yrs ago and remained jobless for nearly a year.
 

yinchu

New Member
Thanks for all the replies.
I would say I very reluctant to change? And Super soft hearted and tend to forget and forgive if he apologise or show signs of improvement.
I have proposed to him to end this marriage few times because our character differs a lot. But he always ask for another chance, or tell me how sorry, how sincere he is. And that’s how I forgive and forget and believe his words again and again. I recognised his efforts to change for sure. But raising voice at me, screaming at me is just getting more and more scary. As it can always progress to aggression and violence. I can’t be sure if the psychologist can help him to think logically. I just can’t stop forgiving him just because he is remorseful and his initiative to engage a psychologist to help himself. He did mention he don’t afraid of police, but he more afraid to see me shivering and in fear and see himself out of control.
The reason I file for police report is to prepare for divorce should this happened again. It also serves as a last draw to myself that this marriage can’t be salvaged anymore if this happens again.
 

ing1

Active Member
Thanks for all the replies.
I would say I very reluctant to change? And Super soft hearted and tend to forget and forgive if he apologise or show signs of improvement.
I have proposed to him to end this marriage few times because our character differs a lot. But he always ask for another chance, or tell me how sorry, how sincere he is. And that’s how I forgive and forget and believe his words again and again. I recognised his efforts to change for sure. But raising voice at me, screaming at me is just getting more and more scary. As it can always progress to aggression and violence. I can’t be sure if the psychologist can help him to think logically. I just can’t stop forgiving him just because he is remorseful and his initiative to engage a psychologist to help himself. He did mention he don’t afraid of police, but he more afraid to see me shivering and in fear and see himself out of control.
The reason I file for police report is to prepare for divorce should this happened again. It also serves as a last draw to myself that this marriage can’t be salvaged anymore if this happens again.
When was the last time he abused you? What was the worst abuse he did to you? What if the next time is the fatal one? *touch wood*

Gal, you have to protect yourself. Learn some self defense. Money can be earned. Physical wounds can be healed. Do not let him abuse you anymore. Respect yourself.
 

HeadTurner

New Member
Frankly speaking, I feel so stressed up reading your story because it brought me back to my past.

Having been through almost similar situation as yours, and having dragged on matters like you do, I am finally free from the crux today, and is so much happier. I guess you know my answer to you.
 

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