Not sure if BF wants to REALLY marry me.

[lovepearls]

comparing football with wedding is totally wrong. for a woman whereby wedding is a once a lifetime thing and the football is like what .. a weekly sit in front of the tv.. unless you are a footballer and have one in a lifetime shot at the world cup.

 

[infojunkie]

"it's the biggest day of my life! it's the biggest day! and everyone should stop doing everything and just look at me!"

now that's the spirit

 

[lovepearls]

Every bride deserves her day... But in real life, it usually does not happen. That's life.

I wish all BTB understanding from their HTB and get the sayang and attention they yearn. Of cos BTB has to sayang their HTB too.

 

[infojunkie]

rite, every bride has her day.

makes me think of princess di. lavish wedding, wasn't it? and the whole world tuned in to watch. what more can a bride ask for? yah, it's unforgettable... her married life sucked though

 

[miloice]

I sayang my wife very much. So much that it's damn obvious amongst friends, colleagues and family. But no, I dun appreciate demands such as yours. Work things out sensibly than demand. Pamperings is never an entitlement. No woman will get it by demanding.

If u don't work things well on your relationship and marriage, then touch wood u would have another hopefully at most once A lifetime experience ... Divorce

 

[lovepearls]

Of cos, if marriage doesn't work out well for whatever reason (whether look good to others on the surface or otherwise) it will have high chance of divorce.

There are many reasons to a divorce. Sometimes one may think he/she put in a lot of sayang but maybe it is not what the other party really values. If one takes feedback as demands, the other party will also grow frustrated, this is also a possible factor for divorce. Communication is the key.

It's true that the wedding does not have to be lavish and expensive. But surely meaningful with a participative HTB.

I wish all BTBs a understanding and participative HTB. May issues be worked out and feedback be valued. And may you love and be loved...

 

[miloice]

Have you wondered why it is perceived as demands? Don't need to wish all BTB. Focus on your relationship. You talked as if its all your husband's fault. Such communication is one way... your way.

 

[lovepearls]

When I posted the message, I was feeling darned angry. Anyway, HTB will not be looking at this forum coz he is a busy man and no time to tell other women what to do.

Still wishing all BTBs a understanding and participative husband.

 

[infojunkie]

yeah, understanding is the key word here.

an understanding man needs an understanding wife.

"It takes two to make a marriage a success and only one to make it a failure"

 

[thommy]

"their bo chap attitude is usually due to their egos and the need to appear manly"

actually not true, a lot of guys I know have this bo chup attitude over wedding stuff simply bcos they have no interest in it, not that they have a big ego or need to appear manly.

sometimes when they tell u they are not interested, they really aren't. however that doesn't make them love u less. so dun keep using this as a yardstick to gauge how much ur partner loves u...it is not accurate.

bren: u wanna come out with a checklist also can but make sure its not too long hor...dun scare him away hahaha

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi JT,

Although your fiance is not as involved in the wedding prep as you hope, he is in charge of the reno isn't it?

Actually, I rather the Man be in charge of the Reno. Because imagine having to deal with the contractors from "Hell".

My Hubby was in charge of the reno for both our 1st and 2nd house. It really isn't easy, because the contractors were rough Ah Beng types who sometimes didn't follow your instructions or were late for their work or drag your reno or try to "extort" more money for the reno.

Imagine asking these Ah Bengs to redo the incorrect reno, just cross your finger your fiance don't get bash by them.

So usually after end of the day when my hubby got back from inspecting the reno, I would "sayang" him and really appreciate that he didn't put me in charge of reno, I surely would get bullied by the contractors.

 

[miloice]

No one is born understanding and fully sensitive to their partners. This is because we are all uniquely different in character coming from different background, context and experiences.

Not saying that its unreasonable to want a wonderful wedding. The very reason once in a timelife might mean so much to you. But its also the same reason why it has no value to others. They focus on things that really matters... the marriage and relationship. Bonding with the parents, and setting up happy family.

So, who is right? What right do you have to devalue your partners pov? Its always about respecting and bringing the best out of both parties. If the union brings the worst of you both, then you seriously need to reconsider. There is no synergy just endless fights of pride and personal beliefs.

Communication is indeed key. But, communication isn't one way. Neither is it a non stop blabbering and seeing the other partner as the problem. That's no communication. The 1st part of the communication is learning to listen. Ask the right questions and then listening to what your spouse has to say.

 

[miloice]

Albee, u r right. Its better to have a man handle the contractors.

The guy has to be firm and strong minded to push for things to be done well and completely. Of cos, if u guys are well-to-do and without budget constraints, u can employ an ID or coordinator to see through that. It also depends on how hands-on and involved u guys want to be with the reno. But, the lower the budget, the more one should expect to be involved to ensure quality and right job is done.

When the margin is small, naturally contractors will cut corners. Its the same with any biz.

 

[brendancer]

Hi Guys!

THanks for all your replies and advice.

Guess what? Yesterday my bf sat me down to talk about our wedding planning! Although it wasn't like a full planning or what, but he asked for the calculator and we started counting what we need to spend on, prioritize and stuff.

Yes he F-I-N-A-L-L-Y initiated to do something, AT LEAST!


Now I'm happy! =)

And I did not show him any checklist or wad leh. Hope he keeps it up! Keep my fingers crossed. Haha. =)

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Brendancer,

Congrats! Looks like your fiance knows what to do, so really the solution is as simple as that.

You don't have to do anything, just sweetly smile, accept and appreciate the stuff he do for you.

Really, being a lady is actually quite simple.
Don't complicate your little head with things and be a happy bride.

 

[thommy]

"You don't have to do anything"

disagree with the above...

Bren, u ought to chip in and share some of the preparations as its one-in-a-lifetime experience. I relished every moment of those days when I was preparing for mine with my wife even though it was very tiring to juggle btw work, reno and wedding preps. Now that its over, I'm beginning to look back at those days with fondness hahaha...

 

[miloice]

"Really, being a lady is actually quite simple." to me, that's being a bimbo not a lady.

 

[queenie82]

Hi Albee,

I beg to differ. Marriage concerns both the husband and wife, and wedding concerns both the bride and groom. To not "do anything, just sweetly smile, accept and appreciate the stuff he do for you." is not being considerate.

yes your husband or then boyfriend maybe one of those who shelters you like a precious gem and do everything for you, but he is not TS boyfriend/HTB. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but your theory don't apply to everybody.

In fact, most men would prefer the woman to do all the nitty gritty and spare them of the details. In short, they just "nod head and shake head" plus alil comments here and there. That's all~

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Only at home, I let my hubby be the "Man" while I'll be the "little woman" and his sweet little wife.

At the work place, I'm his equal and we discuss business matters professionally.

I am in charge of lots of work-related matters and handle them myself.
In fact, he doesn't do anything for me at work.
I feel I'm able to gain some respect from him when I'm able to accomplish things without his help.

Being "little woman" doesn't mean you don't do anything at all and be a "door mat".

 

[elizann]

Hi Bren,

congrats!! glad to see some improvement!! =)

 

[brendancer]

Hi all,

Yes, me glad to see some improvements too! Happy Happy.

Don't worry, I'll definitely chip in my ideas for the planning as well because there will be things that he doesn't have much knowledge on so we will definitely split the load.

I'm just glad that he's AT LEAST participating.

Albee-I don't quite really agree with your line of theory, but thanks for your advice anyway!

 

[queenie82]

Hi bren,

Good to hear that. A lil step for me also~ going to see a hotel venue next mth~ though i still dun quite like the idea of a wedding dinner, he promised nothing above 35 tables

 

[etleen]

Hi brend..

it goes the same for me.. bf intending to hold wedding on 2011 or 2012.. however no proposal yet..
he feels that my mum has yet to approve.. so he shall not propose..

however, personally, i rather he propose first then we both go seek blessings from my parents..
so far, we've booked our bridal package.. and i am the one who is looking around for venues..

once in a while, i would update him on some new venues i've found and we would engage in some serious discussions.. then he would say: "when we're nearer to the date.. we shall make a trip down to the venue, take a look and pay deposit"

well, i was hoping that he would propose so that we can go seek blessings from my parents.. instead of waiting for my mother's approval..

 

[thommy]

dun hope. drop him some hints if u die die must have a proposal. some guys are actually quite dense so they wun know till u drop them hints.

 

[flyingstar]

et.leen, why must wait for approval? hmm...my bf proposed to me already then he arranged a lunch with my family and told my family that we are getting married. similarly he did that for his family. i assume parents are happy that their children are getting married ba...

instead of waiting, the proactive way is to find a suitable time and for him to speak to your mom and dad. could be over a meal or when he's at your place.

have you both settled on a date? if settled already then it's time to book the venue. a lot of venues get snapped up fast.

according to my BS, 2012 is dragon year, so a lot of couples will get married in 2011 so that they can plan to have a dragon baby. their business has been good so far, so i think the same goes for all the hotels/restaurants for holding wedding in 2011.

not making you kan cheong but do take note...

 

[etleen]

@flyingstar: that's my intention too! im a dragon.. so i hope that i can have a dragon baby in 2012..

as for the approval.. maybe becuz parents feel that im still young or my r/s with bf is too short..

however, personally, i feel that getting married is when both feel that they are ready. not to seek approval from whosoever. but of cuz, if parents are able to give blessings, it would be better..

whenever i asked my bf when are we getting married, he would ans me: "see your mother lor"..
which sometimes make me quite disheartened..

 

[flyingstar]

et.leen, oh, that means you are 22 this year?

how long you have been with your bf?

have you ever asked him if your mom's not in the picture, will he still marry you?

it's true that marriage is not only between the 2 of you, it's between 2 families, so i guess your bf is still worried what are your parents' reactions if he married you so early.

you need to properly communicate with your bf, strategise how you can make your parents accept your relationship, and marriage with him. no point just say "wait", coz you don't know how long is long enough...

plus you want to have dragon baby...so you need to have some plans first ba...

 

[etleen]

@flyingstar: we're together for almost 8 mths now.. but we got together with the intention of getting married..

if my mother is not in the pic, yup, he would still marry me. but of cuz, like i said, it would be better to marry with blessings from my parents. and of cuz, marriage involves 2 families which is why im quite troubled by this issue..

we did communicated before how are we gonna make my parents (esp mother) accept our idea to get married. parents have no probs with him.. they accepted him and are okie with me hanging out with him..

however, the marriage part is juz "wait".. i did hinted to my parents and even told my father that we intend to get married maybe after dating for 1 to 1.5 yrs.. but he feels that we need to date longer (like 5 yrs)... i understand his concern in this situation..

but i thought getting married is where both party feels that they are ready.. and not when others feel that we're ready?

currently, the solution my bf and i can come up with is to "wait".. as in to wait for time to prove everything.. to prove that our idea to get married is not kid's play..

p.s. by the way, my bf is 30 this year.

 

[thommy]

prob u 2 shld give each other somemore time before u decide to take the plunge. 8mths is rather short to me, u are still so young.

guy 30 is no big deal...many guys marry late also, I'm one of them too.

 

[miloice]

Most pple do get together with intention of marriage. What's more important is how is the relationship? How much u guys understand and comfortable with each other?

It could be 6 months, 2 yrs or more. Depends how ready and stable the relationship is.

 

[flyingstar]

etleen, from another perspective, are both of you financially sound? do you both have the means to fully pay for the wedding yourselves with no help for parents?

your parents does have geniune concern since you have dated only 8 months. moreover you are still young. naturally they will tend to be more protective of you.

enjoy your dating period - don't get swept away by the thinking you want to get married. wedding planning is busy and full of ups and downs.

if your bf really wants to marry you soon, he will initiate something to put your parents' minds at ease.

 

[brendancer]

Hi all,

May I know which bridal studios you guys are using and what does it include?

Thanks.

 

[thommy]

bren, ur settings dun accept PMs.

 

[moistfaucet]

hei ladies,

the last thing that man wanna do, is to get married.

 

[brendancer]

Oh people!
Guess what, we went to the wedding bonanza on Sunday at Suntec and he is starting to plan the wedding and also ask questions etc! Happy Happy! =)

thomas-how to change the settings?

 

[thommy]

go to ur profile, see the option on the allowing pms and uncheck the box.

 

[brendancer]

ok Thomas-got it done. Please PM me the details of your bridal. I should receive some notification in email isit?
Thanks!

 

[thommy]

yes...see ur email.

 

[brendancer]

Hi et.leen,

I'm also abit worried about managing-the-parents-expectations part. Cos I really don't know the sequence of how things should be moving.

He hasn't officially proposed to me as well, but at least we're starting to get things moving with vendor selection for bridal and going to choose date in May...etc.

So...I updated my parents on what's going on and they know that we have plans etc etc. My parents do ask about the bridal stuff and also give comments/advice etc. On the whole, they never forbid.

I know the asking parents' permission part is required, but should it be after he propose to me then ask them for permission or prior to that?

I seriously not very sure too.

 

[thommy]

bren, it doesn't matter which sequence, there's no hard and fast rule abt this.

for me, I proposed first then asked my in-laws for their permission.

like I said earlier, if u die die must have a proposal, drop him some hints otherwise he may think its not important at all.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Brendancer,

Did your FH ask about your ring size during casual chatting with you?

If he did, you can be sure he is planning a surprise proposal for you.

I knew my hubby was going to propose soon when I notice he was feeling my ring finger and asking me about my size.

 

[brendancer]

Hi Thomas, he knws a proposal is required. But then again, the proposal will probably happen in July or after that, cos we are only going to get the rings in July (waiting for GSS).

Oh, I haven't gotten your email leh.

 

[brendancer]

Oh Thomas-Gotten the Email. Thanks!

 

[thommy]

no prob. let me know if u need help.

 

[judyeng]

hi brendancer.. let me share with u a story..

i have a friend.. actually my cousin in law's gf.. they actually have already set the date for ROM, AD everything..

the only 'prob' is that the guy has nt proposed yet. and i can see she is not very happy. just 3 days ago someone asked the girl if wedding bells are ringing soon.. she lifted her left hand and pointed to her ring finger and gave a mock pout. but deep down she is disappointed.

what she doesnt knw is my cousin in law is actually planning something big. a big proposal in front of family and friends. i dont knw the details because hubby doesnt wanna tell me(he said its only shared among the guys.. lol) so everyone will be in for a surprise.

so dont be dejected. what u dont see doesnt mean it wont come..

cheers!

 

[bingqiling]

Brendancer, I think we are sharing same problem.

Haih... my bf's dad is planning to 'ti qin' when my parents is in town, which is Jun 2010. But up until now, my bf hasn't open his mouth yet.

If our parents start to talk abt marriage without proposal. Isn't it very weird?

=)

 

[brendancer]

Hi strawberry,

It is not weird. The earlier the parents talk, the better it is. You'd rather have that than a proposal but parents never got involved right. At the end of the day, parents still got the greatest say. (to me lah.)

My situation has turned for the better-slightly. hehe.

We are sitting down doing the planning and stuff. We even bought our wedding bands and the diamond ring of my choice. BF has also spoken to my parents and his parents of our intention to get married and even got auspicious dates liao.

What is short, is only the "proposal process" but I'm patiently waiting for it. Haha. He knows he has to do it so I will just wait lor. =)

Don't worry, it's only the beginning of June. Monitor awhile longer. Maybe he'll open his mouth soon. =) Good Luck!

 

[pinktweet]

but it's like the proprosal has become meaningless if it were to happen after all the preparation (eg. buying rings, talk to parents, chobbing flat, etc)

for me, after we paid for the flat deposit and signed the flat papers, it then came upon me that he din proposed to me .. i was a bit disappointed when i realised that, so i jokingly tell him hey, u forgot to propose to me! Though i mind, but i din insist cos it will be meaningless liao since everything is signed.

 

[brendancer]

For my scenario, my bf has some commitments that keeps him busy but yet we want to hold our wedding nxt year, so which means we have to start planning now.

And then, he did mention that he'll definitely propose, but he wants to do it properly and not just for the sake of it, so that's why we came to a conclusion that since he's so busy now, we do the bigger items first, like setting dates and venues etc.

Once this commitment ends in July, he has more time to plan the proposal for me, and I am comfortable with this arrangement.

So eventually, it boils down to how comfortable you are with the arrangements.

So Strawberry, if you really want the proposal before anything else, maybe you can drop some hints or tell him honestly lo. =)

 

[bingqiling]

Gals,

I agree with PinkTweet. As everything is set. And is meaningless to propose at that point of time.

Brendancer, I did drop some hints. But he seems like too slow to catch it. Haih... My bf like a wooden man.

Our parents met up already. And guess, now our parents have started to rush us. By asking questions like has both of you start the preparation? Check the BS? Photography? When is the AD? And soon. I am kinda fed up with all this.

Arrggh... Like only my own business. ='(