Not sure if BF wants to REALLY marry me.

[brendancer]

Hi everyone, I am new here and have a problem.

My bf and I have plans to get married next year. He told me the plan was to ROM in January and then AD probably sometime mid 2011 when we talked about our settling down plans.

However, till now, he hasn't proposed to me and we haven't even done anything with regards to the planning. Haven't chosen date, location, BS etc etc. Simply put, NOTHING AT ALL.

I was very happy and excited when he told me the plan early this year and have started to research, get quotations frm hotels and flip wedding magazines since. However, when I try to share with him on my reserach findings, he doesn't seem interested or concerned.

He'll just answer me with a "mmm", "orh" or "ok". NOthing else. He doesn't ask further or follow-up.

My excitement is becoming a disappointment with each sharing and I'm beginning to feel that he does not REALLY want to marry me after all.

I tried talking to him on his response style to this whole wedding thing but he'll always deny being uninterested.

I am so confused now.

 

[thommy]

your 'problem' is not a problem actually.

if u think u have a 'problem' now, in future u will have even bigger problems to contend with.

guys are usually like that..very seldom u will meet those super 'on' types when it comes to wedding stuff.

I'm probably one of the endangered species ahahahahhaaha....

 

[brendancer]

Hi Thomas,

Thanks for your reply. I guess I feel more consoled hearing that from you now. Actually a few of my friends also told me the same thing....that this is typical guys' behaviour...

 

[thommy]

no prob bren...I can say 9 out of 10 guys will give u the same response as ur bf haha. can't do much to change them really.

as for the proposal part, if it bothers u that much, try to drop him some hints...some ladies are fine w/o a proposal, some die die also must have...

if u are talking abt mid 2011 for AD, better start looking ard for venues now...from what I heard, popular venues are filling up fast for 2011. Get a date first cos its the most important, w/o that u can't do anything else.

prob drag him along to see a geomancer first? hahahahahaa...

 

[miloice]

To a man, when he wants to marry a woman, he wants to spend a lifetime with her.
To a woman, she wants him to fulfill her princess fantasy dream day.

Something the man naturally is not very interested in. For those that engaged actively in it, he is only doing so because he understands how important it is for the gal. But, MANY would not even agree with it.

The wedding day is really for the bride than the groom. All of us have came across many incidents of relationships and marriages ruin while fighting over the wedding day. Its ironically STUPID. The marriage is NEVER about fulfilling some one day big bang dream.

Just like how guys cannot expect their mates to be geniuely interested in football simply because they of the fact they married us. Then, why do you expect he to be so interested in your fantasy?

 

[brendancer]

Hi Thomas,

YAH LAH!!!!! Precisely.

The venues are like booked way in advanced and he knows that! Yeah get the date is most important to move on in the planning. Hopefully something happens soon lor! Hehe.

Don't know why got bo-chap attitude...grrrr

 

[brendancer]

Hi Milo,

So are you saying that from your analysis, he doesn't really seem interested at all?

 

[miloice]

HE is interested in marriage with you and not the wedding day.

 

[brendancer]

Hi Milo,

Haha. Alright I get it now. =) Thanks!

 

[flyingstar]

lol. but still need to hold a wedding (even a small one) in order to get married ma.

anyway brendancer, you can start by setting a date first. after that set the venue. after set this 2 already, you will have a timeline to work backwards with.

 

[queenie82]

brendancer,

guys are like tt~ my bf does the same also... tell me wanna get married next year but haven propose~ and not interested in the preps.

i quizzed him about it too, his answer was exactly wat milo had said~~ "wedding, main lead is u, so i let u have ur way~ u do the research, shortlist n i go down and make payment. easy... I'm thinking more on the after wedding part, expenses, budget, housing and baby~ "

true to say, we gals have more thinking abt these things la, like theme, gowns, favours, dinner etc etc.. the guys onli think more abt the money~

maybe u could do wat i did... say no use, bring him down to see~ I've been telling him abt the bridal shoot part, like where to take, which one to take... trying to get his ideas.. he everytime just say "up to u loh~ i like can liao~ so many choices i also dunno" etc etc.... (in my mind, already got plan to go taiwan for photoshoot liao).. So when i knew NATAS fair brought in some bridal shops from Taiwan, I dragged him down to the fair, made him sit down and see the samples and voila! He signed the package on the spot!

Up till now, that's our 1st and onli step~ and I come to realise, guys~~ u say no use de, action more useful~~

good luck with the wedding preps~~

 

[brendancer]

Hi Queenie,

THanks for sharing man! Have you guys gotten a date?

 

[brendancer]

Thanks flyingstar...When are you getting married?

 

[queenie82]

Nope! he hasn't even proposed! he juz say wanna 'surprise' me~

just say next year~ now still dingdonging on wanna hold dinner onot~

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Brendancer,

If you don't do anything, I'm sure your fiance will do it.

Let him be the one who is more gan cheong to marry you. You will definitely feel more cherished by him.

I let my hubby do everything regarding the wedding prep. He is the one who is more desperate to marry me.

I really felt like a cherished princess to him when he asked me to model the wedding dress for him.

Ladies, please maintain your composure.
Even if you are desperate to marry your hubby, don't appear so.

Don't try to do everything yourself, in fact you are depriving him the challenge to have you as his bride.

 

[thommy]

bren: has it ever occurred to u that he may be stressed out over his work?

sometimes when I am, I will give one-liner replies to my wife also and she will get the hint...

 

[lovingyou]

I suppose most guys look towards the life after the day itself... whereas gals are the opp. The day means a lot to us and we hope to make everything perfect for us. I am sure this has nothing to do with no interest walking the aisle... talk to your partner, try to get him involved in those middle to big decisions...

 

[miloice]

Albee,

I don't quite agree with you. What's with all the mind games? A marriage is a decision by 2 mature adults. Not some high up and sell fish market deal. Its good that your husband cherishes you. BUT, I wouldn't credit it to your decision to maintain composure.

Some (in fact many) guys don't appreciate this kind of princess mentality. It has nothing to do with them not appreciating their partners.

 

[flyingstar]

getting married this year nov.

if u drop by other forums u will realise what you face is exactly the same as what a lot of btbs face - an uninterested htb / bf.

that's why there are forums for ladies to discuss so that they don't have to overload their bf/htbs with all the planning info.

it's true all guys think about is money when it comes to the wedding. they don't think about ceremony, they don't think about the gowns, decor...blah blah. money comes 1st. the rest talk later.

my bf last time was reluctant to get married although he proclaimed to his friends "we will get married next year". that time was 2006 ok! so imagine i'm so confused whether he really wants to get married...why he told his friends when he didn't have intention...blah blah.

anyway everything sorted itself out la. we also managed to ballot for a flat and then now 2 yrs before flat due to complete we decided to just marry.

so, give him some space and some time to think things through. if he realises you are important to him he's not going to let you go just like that.

 

[lovingyou]

"Even if you are desperate to marry your hubby, don't appear so." - I thought we will only play such games during the initial stage of courtship?

(kidding)... I would say that once the couple decide on this big step, both have to be frank with each other to a certain extent... Communication of what we want, expectations is important to maintaining a marriage... Not to say that one will have a happy marriage with all these fulfillled but at least we did try to maintain and treasured what is important to our hearts.

 

[simpleman]

I agree with Milo. If you play such "mind games", the man may just act blur.

Albee, We know your hb is exceptional but don't assume all men are like that.. And you really relish in every opportunity to tell us how great your hb is. Nothing wrong with that but it does not apply in most situations in other people. In fact most will not bother much regardless of how much they love their wife to be.

 

[bobochacha]

although marriage is a couple thing..but i think 1 person to plan is better?? hassle free..keke..

anyway my hubby friend also those LL one..his wife plans herself..on the spot chose Mandrin Marina hotel..pay the deposit..then let her hubby knw..hubby also bo choice..haha

if $$ nt a prob..i dont mind planning all by myself and he pays..haha

 

[thommy]

agreed with sm...we all know how wonderful ur hubby is albee...how he can afford to buy a condo for u...how much he sayangs u etc etc. too much of it hear liao also sian, dun u think so?

later the girls here all follow ur advice blindly how? later anything goes wrong are u gg to be responsible for it?

 

[simpleman]

If you work within the agreed budget.. the guy should not have any problem..

 

[miloice]

Actually, many of us do sayang and cherish our spouses alot. But, I totally hate mind games and small action schemes to manipulate their men. Guys know and are fully aware of such intentions. Many already have mums doing that for years and don't need another woman in our lives trying to manipulate us like this. We are not some idiots. Just that some wouldn't mind playing along when in the mood to.


Thomas, I see u guys mentioning more about her condo than herself actually leh.

 

[thommy]

milo,

u are wrong, u can dig back my previous posts, I have never mentioned her condo and other stuff until now. All along I have been a silent reader only.

 

[simpleman]

milo,

I also never mention about condo.. only mention about chasing on expressway..

 

[miloice]

Hi Thomas,
don't misunderstand ...

I said u guys, not you specially lah. Don't think she has been mentioning about her condo for sometime liao. But, each time, some forummer will bring that up.

 

[thommy]

milo,

I think she brings it up more often than we do. no worries, I'm not saying u are targetting me esp =)

 

[oneder]

Bren,

Since he told you his plan to rom this year and AD in 2011, you should trust him to be serious about the marriage.

However guys are usually better at being focus so don't overload his mind with many different ideas on different things. Guys are usually better with deadline being set so they can complete them one by one. Unless he doesn't do it before the planned date, there is no need feel sad or frustrated.

To solve your problem, discuss with him to come up with a checklist and dates attached to it and do it accordingly. This should improve things alot and avoid the disappointment.

For the proposal, it is better to have no expectation and get a surprise proposal even on the wedding day itself. Expectations and disappiontments just takes too much away from the actual excitement and happiness that you should be feeling right now.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Question for the guys :

If you propose to your girlfriend and she sweetly accepts it, (No princess atitude) but doesn't follow up with any action of the wedding planning, wouldn't you feel the need get some action going and start to involve her in the wedding plan since you are the one who propose to her?

I can't understand why some ladies have to do everything themselves and feels stress-up over the wedding when they can just smile sweetly, thank and appreciate their hubbies for their effort in planning a memorable but not necessary perfect wedding for them.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Albee's view on this matter may just work for Brendancer's bf. It's not mind game but 情趣. Sometimes have to communicate through action haha

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi,

Sometimes the solution is as simple as that.

If your wife is so sweet and considerate for you, wouldn't you want to do more things for her?

Eg. My hubby always want to drive me to work on his off days but I always decline and says that he should rest as public transport is really convenient. But the more I ask him to rest, the more he wants to send me to work.

If he insists on sending, I'm very touched by his action.
If he doesn't, I'm still happy, he got to rest and do his favourite things on his off day.

Just sharing my marriage tips with the ladies. Don't blast me. I do hope that all ladies will find my tips useful and have a happy marriage too.

 

[chilliinketchup]

He probably feels that there's still time (a lack of urgency), or either that he's already planning some really BIG surprise behind u, or that he's simply buying time by humouring u with those suggestions.

Tell him u want to visit the bridal roadshows when there's a chance, take up a package, and everything will be on the way. Don't wait for him to propose, if u really want to get the ball rolling.

 

[brendancer]

Wow...Thank you ALL for the advice. I'm really happy to hear all your different opinions and point of view.

Albee, I am not desperate to marry my bf as he was the one who put the timeline to this, telling me ROM in Jan 2011 and AD prolly in May-June 2011, so of course I believed him and I think it's normal to get excited and happy.

I don't play mind games with my bf. We both don't like it and we think it makes things worse,(tried and tested) so this part I totally agree with Milo and Thomas and SM. It has nothing to do with whether one party cherishes the other or not.

Anyway, thanks everyone for your concern.

Lee, I think showing him a checklist could be a good way to start, let him know how many thousand things need to be settled...then maybe he'll see the picture clearer. Thanks!

HOpe something good happens soon, then I can update you all! =)

Have a great weekend!

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Brendancer,

I just afraid that your wedding plans may not progress smoothly if you start to show him checklist and dragging him to bridal roadshows when he has not indicate any action other than his thoughts of marriage.

Please try to be subtle, not appear too aggressive and overwhelm him too much.

Have your fiance decide where to live together after marriage? If he has make some arrangement in regards to that, you can be more assured that he does have the intention to marry you. Don't worry and be a happy bride.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Powder,

Can you share with us a guy's perspective of ladies who try to do too much for their Man?

Maybe Brendancer will be able to find your advice useful?

I always like to listen to the views of Millionaires or people who have happy marriage or relationship. I don't think they are boasting, in fact I'm grateful that they are willing to share some insights with us.

 

[powder]

Get him to sign a contract with attached Appendix of scheduled preparation plan. send it to the lawyers to stamp it and make him sign it.

 

[elizann]

powder, u really make me laugh till my tummy ached. =D

brendancer, my bf is also like that. Ur bf is a practical guy who just wanna marry you and have you with him for the rest of his life, but is not the type who will bother too much with the details. I guess ur bf is like mine, matured, and in his (my bf) own words "Too manly to bother with details". lol =)

mind games are not too healthy, esp if the bf is the matured type. mindgames is ok if the bf is the immatured type who also play mindgames (no offence to anyone here). for gals, if the gal play mindgames, they risk ruining the r/s as most guys will just pack up and go if the gal does that.

 

[elizann]

Hi Brendancer,

their bo chap attitude is usually due to their egos and the need to appear manly.

another reason is that guys usually leave all the planning to the woman cos we women are naturally better at planning. =)

 

[elizann]

Hi Queenie,

my bf is also like that, ask me to prep things the way I like(not for wedding, but for other things like planning holidays) and he will juz do the payment.

Then one day I asked him "why dun u write blank cheque for me then?"

lol

 

[brendancer]

Thanks Eliz.
I hope he's really NORMAL since it's the typical behaviour. Shall continue monitoring...hehe

 

[chilliinketchup]

Hey Brendancer,

I proposed to my gf on 29 Feb 2008, the leap day. But I ding-donged for a long time and took no action afterwhich.

Some time in June 2009, she suggested going to a bridal fair @ Suntec. I agreed, we went and signed up with Labelle Couture.

Everything started rolling from there (PS. I have unknowingly fallen into her trap).

Hope your wedding planning will start soon too! If u need any help on any part of your planning, u can always turn to this forum!

 

[susanna_low]

I always like to listen to the views of Millionaires

This sentence sounds weird on one's mentality~

 

[powder]

hi Albee,

just realised u asked me something in this thread! my perspective very very acidic one, hehe... anyway i think might be too much to bear sometimes... need the right girls to appreciate my take on things...

i'm very different... no wedding, even ROM i didn't invite my brother until my mum told me he wanted to be there... and most pple do not believe that i actually made an appointment with the JOP to sign our ROM cert at Maxwell Market during friday Lunchtime with my best fren and her best fren as witnesses... that's why my wife is my wife - becos she's totally fine with it.

of cos eventually we pushed it a day back as her frens said we should at least do it in a hotel suite... so they paid for it. haha... less than 20 pple in total were there, both mums, our best frens and my brother who wanted to be there. that's abt it, we're married.

to us, the paper is just a means to give our children a legal right/birth and status. with or without the marriage we're still gonna be with each other and we dun have to feel any lesser without a cert. she definitely dun need the rom cert to claim my heart and vice versa... and that stupid Cert Number didn't even open 4D...

while i appreciate pple who want a fantastic wedding, i think we should realise that most guys really tend to be hands-off on the preparation like what most forummers mentioned. dun have to hold it against them...

whether biz, interview, military... we wear suit is nothing special... it looks smart, but the basic thing we all agree on - it's damn Hot and uncomfortable! and we'll wear it in our coffin anyway... so nothing exciting abt wearing a suit. i wore a $30 Giordano Shirt + $40 cargo pants for my wedding... i dun feel lesser nor embarassed. i must admit the hotel suite was a whole lot cooler than maxwell market would have been.

 

[kambing]

going to ROM soon, but not happy at all, even when i am making overseas calls to prepare things for wedding and ROM. trying to do my work with a time difference, and could not as wtb giving me hell through msn before her bedtime. ended up staying till late at work, achieving nothing, and both unhappy.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I always like to listen to the views of Millionaires or people who have happy marriage or relationship. I don't think they are boasting, in fact I'm grateful that they are willing to share some insights with us."

Albee, you can PM Powder lah.

Oops, I am single and non-millionnaire, am I fit to address you? haha

 

[lovepearls]

i wonder if everyone's wedding plans go as smoothly. my friends never have complaints about husbands being bochap. they do everything together from picking bridal shop, hotel etc. i feel like i am doing everything alone. to-date, i have also settle all the bridal expenses myself from hotel deposit, bridal studio deposit, wedding shoot deposit. everytime, i bring him down for comments/ opinion, it is "always up to you" and he wil look so dis-interested most of the time. i feel so lonely sometimes. HTB is busy with house reno which i am not of much help except to help to run a few errands and help selec furniture together. when i get upset, he says that i blame him for everything.. and when we fight, he say we need to reassess whether we should get married after all and then avoid me.. this is from my view pt but his view pt is that i have no value add to his life.. what is value add to someone else's life, teach a person new things, listening to another's person troubles ? (not doable when the person does not share), take care of things like house reno? i am really quite upset and disillusioned cos we just got our new home and he is saying such hurtful things. maybe i have been holding on to him for too long. when i am upset, i feel so incapacitated to do anything but he says whenever we fight and he avoids me, he gets lots of things done and he is happy about it.. maybe the whole thing is just rotten from the start..

 

[miloice]

One moment you said u r all alone in the prep then, the next, u said he is busy with the reno.Hello?!?

What he says is very true. u guys should reassess if u should get married.

 

[lovepearls]

wat i am saying is that i feel very alone in the wedding prep. thks for so helpful in your comments.