No sex for more than 6mths leads hubby to....

[icecreamy]

I had just gave birth to my boy.. during the 9mths of pegnany period, my hubby and i have sex for less than 5 times. I have extremenly low sex drive during that 9 mths of pregnancy. After baby is born, when my hubby asked for it i reject him always, maybe only once i gave in to him.

maybe due to the pressure of our newborn, i totally have no mood for sex at all.

Recently found out that hubby was "doing it" himself while looking at pics of ladies on the internet, (those models posing for cars or ladies in skimpy cltohes, etc.) But they all not nude though. There's a question going on my head, why did he look at those pics instead of watching porn?? (which normally guys will do) And those pics are not nude at all. Is this his fetish??

im extremenly hurt after catching hin red handed, but also thankful he didnt went to look for one night stand instead. I did went to confront him and he said he was very sorry and promise me not to do that again.. he told me he did that because "he is a man" and im always rejecting him..

I know im the one in the wrong in the first place, but i just cant forget the "scence", it kept flashing back in my mind i felt so hurt. I even thought of leaving him. Maybe im a pefectionist when comes to marriage. I wont allow any single mistake in my marriage. But of cause i forgave him afterall its like a very minor thing. And of cause now i'll make an effort to give "in" to him.

But how do i forget the scence, everytime i walked pass the computer, it reminds me of the "scence" and tears starts to flow down.. i dont want to hurt our relationship just because of this matter..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Hey, what wrong did he do???

You don't allow him to masturbate at all or you deem it wrong that he masturbated looking at pictures of sexy women? Either way I don't see anything wrong with what he's done. I am surprised that he even apologised for his act and made those promises.

 

[icecreamy]

nope. i didnt meant that he was wrong. just that i felt sad over it.

 

[kahlen]

masturbating w/o consent?
Look at pics instead of watching porns?

Feel sad over??

I'm kinda puzzled on you caught him red handed

 

[sgbabydoll]

Stop kidding yourself, ice-cream. This is not the first time that he has masturbated and certainly won't be his last. In fact, it is normal for people to masturbate. Ladies also pleasure themselves, and sometimes with the help of porn or some imagination they play in their mind.

 

[icecreamy]

i know im the one at fault.. but it makes me feel like im totally useless, that i didnt play a part as a wife.

 

[neolq13]

ice cream, pls dun feel sad.. at least he didnt have an affair with other gals.. he got his needs as well.. which.. the level of urs is different from his. Think of it in a more positive way.

He's not sick by looking at the pic and diy.. just to satisfy his needs only. Don't think of it as he's looking at other gals.. feel excited over them etc.. dun think too much about it and dun let such a thing bother u.. and let this affect ur relationship with ur hubby..

 

[two_piece]

I dun feel that there's any reason for you to feel hurt at all leh... masturbating is so common with guys, and looking at those magazines are just some ways to help them. Gal...there's nothing to be sad abt... you shld feel happy that he's not doing it with another woman.

 

[habe]

ice cream, don't mean to be rude, but could you be suffering from post natal blues? All these feeling sad and depressed and feeling worthless...

 

[skylar]

ice cream,
if that is how u feel, then why not u ask him for sex then? I m sure he will be more than happy right?

 

[sgbabydoll]

You need to separate your roles as wife/partner and mother. As suggestion, you can set aside one day a week whereby you spend it with your husband; just the two of you. You can go out together or relax at home, without having to tend to your baby constantly on that day alone.

I haven't had a baby before, but I learned this from my sister who is a mother of one young child. She leaves my nephew at my mom's on Mondays, and spends couple time with her husband. I get to play mommy on Mondays lol

 

[vios]

Hi ice creamy,

what the.... is he having an affair with the pictures? I know some ladies can't comprehend the guys who view such pics, whereby in the first place these are nothing porn-ful and then like you, they also wonder why their guys didn't surf porn instead. Duh.... damn if they do this, damn if they do that.

But im relieved that you do know that it's your perfectionist nature which forms an expectation of your hubby - that he will be mentally balanced w/o masturbation, that he will be pretty alright w/o the lack of intimacy - and that, he is now somewhat wrongful (in other words, unfaithful) for viewing non-nude pictures.

Don't mind me, but you created your own problem in this issue.

 

[powder]

it's ok if for some biological reasons, u're not as keen on sex... there's always parts of us tat might be more due to scientific reasons, so tat's fine...

but abit tough if u're overbearing on the porn material of his choice... everyone got fetishes... the weird ones include Leather, S&M and some which u can Never Guess. pretty face, naked bodies are kinda norm... and the mind is powerful enough to create a fantasy from there... Ladies then to read more romance novels than guys... and when u read the novels, your mind DOES ACTUALLY wonder and fantasize on its own... where sometimes u ARE the the main character...

guys like to think of themselves as heroes, saviours... fantasize abt fighting bad, flying planes, overcoming danger etc... and when it comes to more sexual stuff, it's the same creative mind tat takes over to form our fantasies...

it's BOTH NATURAL and HUMAN.

obviously if u catch him maturbating and u see Barney or Dora on the screen... it's worse. in fact that's kinda sick... but i meant it for humour, and also to tell u how normal he is...

Playing the part of a wife doesn't mean u just lie there and let him have his way simply becos he wants 'it'... u have to be respected as well... and i think he has shown u that respect Instead of demanding sex. in fact, masturbating kinda shows his understanding towards u, at least at this point of time. of cos if he's masturbating when u have a high sex-drive, then there might be more to read... but be fair to both him and u when u assess...

lastly, there's some survey/poll locally before if my memory dun fail me... and one of the pple mentioned was Fiona Xie... apparently she's a favoured lady to fantasize... Honestly, u think guys fantasize abt holding hands with her and strolling down the beach? or lying under the trees and looking at the stars? dun think there's any nude picts of her, so what do u think creates the fantasies? u dun need nude picts to fantasize... it's something totally normal which our minds have the ability to create...

time to mature and grow up. Being a perfectionist does not mean u want things perfect... it means u Demand things to be perfect. But i can tell u something abt perfectionists... they are Imperfect.

 

[victory]

Hey ice cream, I just give birth 6 months ago too! mi also don't feel like having sex with my hubby maybe of the vaginal pain when natural birth. But i will let my hubby DIY himself cause everybody "NEEDS" too. Dun be too sad, be positive.. These are human nature.. slways think of this way. All the best!

 

[icecreamy]

HABE

im not sure either... what are the signs of post natal blues?? I get frustrated very easily and can cry over the smallest matter of things. Are these signs of post natal blues??

anyway, thanks all for your replies.. it made me realise i did something very foolish.

 

[two_piece]

Ice Cream, just want to let you know, i think you really have an understanding husband. He actually apologise to you on this matter. I know of some friend's husband, they actually got angry after kenah rejected just a few times.

Cheer up!

 

[habe]

I don't know for sure either...but I read some article about depression and stuff, and one of the symptoms seems to be exaggerated emotions. A normal person feels sad, but someone with depression will feel 10 times more sad abt a same thing. I really can't comment much on this, if you do suspect, get proper help before it spins out of control...

 

[hungrydog]

Agree with 2 piece, your husband is one of a good kind. I don't think I knw any friends that will be so understanding..

Holding up the urge can really be frustrating sometimes, when you can get over the perfectionist stuff, it will be good to let him know its alright for him to do so..

Of cos, priority is you getting yourself better..Let your husband knows your prob so that he can work it out together with you..

 

[powderful07]

"I wont allow any single mistake in my marriage."

What a scary thought...
IC, you need to understand that throughout a marriage...there will be mistakes made...
You might want to reconsider that statement you made...Try to adopt a more flexible mindset in such situations where you deemed "wrong"...
It'll make your marriage much more easier...

 

[vane]

ice cream,
Getting frustrated easily and crying over the slightest things may be signs of post-natal blues. Taking care of the baby is not an easy task and it is common for new mothers to feel stressed up. You will be fine. Sometimes, it helps alot by talking to someone about your problems. Getting it out of your chest will prevent build up of negative emotions.

Take good care of yourself and have a good talk with your husband about your stirred-up emotions. I am sure he will try his best to work something out with you. Always remember that you are not alone.

 

[miloice]

well... who defines what a mistake is. to you, its a mistake, to him the only mistake could be your perception.

This is a relationship. It involves 2 persons and not all about what you think only. Instead of getting all negative, take this as a good opportunity to reflect and understand more of his feelings and needs too. Look beyond yourself.

If you find yourself dwelling too much in negativity, maybe its time to do reality check on yourself. Do seek professional help if required.

 

[vane]

Agree with milo, reflection is a good tool to know more about yourself, your husband and your marriage. Instead of dwelling on negative thoughts, spend the time on reflecting.

 

[powderful07]

IC,

Does your mood swings only happens after the birth of your baby?

Or do you have such expectations all along?

 

[giantemu]

hey,..the need to have sex is just a need. As normal human beings, its a need just like you feel hungry, thirsty and you also sometimes feel horny. Even monks feel horny - just that they overcome it throught meditations.

Don't you feel its unfair that your husband is deprived of an avenue to satisfy this need? I think its perfectly fine that he mast using magazines or surf porn. That does not mean he betrayed you or is unfaithful to you. In fact, if its other man, they will gladly use this excuse to have another lover or go patronise street walkers.

If you are not in the mood to have sex, how about you offer to mast him? In this way, he gets his 'release' without need for reading those kinky mags.

 

[ger_mummy]

haha..i have the same issue as ice cream..BUT is he nt touching me..just the opposite..
maybe we can change our roles.whahaha..
(so boring during maternity leave)

 

[blackpoisonousbtutterfly]

maybe u should tink thru wad u wan.

him masturbating is wrong? wad abt him finding another girl? even more wrong. force you to haf sex? call him rape then.

so wad can he do? b monk lor..

 

[jamesc2000]

I think your hubby is sick n needs help.

How can he masturbate to those kind of pics?

If it was porn then that would be natural.

Get him help quick.

 

[blackpoisonousbtutterfly]

it's not sick lar.. jus like some guys like to look at girls leg, some guys like to look at girls waist. everybody is different. not everybody like to look at women's boob at first look one mar.

my bf sometimes also look at picture to masturbate. sometimes he look at porn. no wrong wad. as long as dey see wad make them excited

 

[saggitarian]

james,

either you are too young to understand or you simply do not understand...

 

[jadeite]

or maybe james is just being...sarcastic.

 

[sylvaz]

maybe icecreamy meant that she's already feeling pressurized over her newborn baby.. plus her post-natal blues.. she's not in the mood for sex and hopes her hubby can understand and focus on their baby and care for her emotions more for now.. so when she saw her hubby DIY she feels very upset over it.. like he care for his needs more than her emotions and their baby..

my POV.. correct me if i'm wrong..

 

[miloice]

"like he care for his needs more than her emotions and their baby."

huh? that's very weird loh. Being focused on baby and caring for her emotions is completely different things with his masturbation. Focus doesn't mean he stop being a human and cease to have needs. He still need to eat and sleep right? Its human to have sexual needs, it doesn't stop simply because he becomes a father. While hoping for his understanding, how much does she understand what he needs?

"But how do i forget the scence, everytime i walked pass the computer, it reminds me of the "scence" and tears starts to flow down."
This shows how serious this is. Its like wife crying over everytime she sees husband eating by himself and not sharing food / accompanying her. One shouldn't be encouraging nor excusing such behavior. Its seriously off balance. She seriously need to seek some professional help.

Frankly, managing one's sex drive continues to be a very personal thing. As long as he isn't preferring DIY over sex, it is not for the partner to control and dominate what he can and cannot be aroused to. Let's not encourage such impractical control freak mentality.

 

[jess2676]

hey icereamy..tell u wat ...next time u c him diy again, y not juz take over and replace ur hand with his.

since u r not into sex, this can be a good replacement for him. I always do that for my hb when I m in "no mood" and he finds it kinky havin me rubbin him n of cos must be naked hwne u do this to him..increased his plesure all the more.

My hb naughtily admitted seeing my perky breasts jiggling about when I diy him, made him cum fast h de way his sperm shot out high up

 

[japanese_doll]

ice creamy, a wife must not forget that while her needs and duties has changed as she has become a mother, the husband's needs have not changed much. He still has his sexual needs, which did not change before the baby arrived, and will not change even after the baby has arrived. Ice creamy, your hubby is, strictly speaking, not in the wrong. If he was a pervert, he would have viewed porn. If he were an unfaithful man, he would have had a mistress, visited Geylang or had one night stands. Here, her merely masturbated, and he looked at women who were clothed. This means that he has no intention of looking at a woman in a indecent way. He just merely needed to satisfy his own sexual needs.

It takes alot for a man to apologise, esp for something that he did no wrong. My boyfriend is a divorcee. And one reason why his marraige broke up was, his first wife ignored his sexual needs. Though she looked after the kids, she never was there for her hubby as a wife, doing "bedroom stuff". So, Ice creamy, do not feel hurt anymore. In fact, ask yourself, why did things come to this point? Your hubby may have some form of unhappiness in his heart, that cause him to do that? Could he be also feeling hurt that you, his wife, have not met his sexual needs? Ice creamy, both of you need to communicate, and build your relationship so as to ensure that it does not lose it's intimacy. Intimacy is important in a marraige.

 

[miloice]

hi Jap doll,

I disagree with your comments.

"If he was a pervert, he would have viewed porn"

Thanks for labelling so many guys (and ladies) out there as perverts. The rationale that women were clothed hence no intention of looking at a woman in a indecent way is so unreal loh. Everyone have fantasies. Be it clothed or not, it is the mind that is triggering and responding to the imaginations and arousal. It would be perverted to look at a kid and getting all horny, WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES. So, what's with this idea that clothed meaning less perverted?!?

There is nothing wrong with sexual desires. Everyone have their own personal fetish. How each individual learn to cope with it is what that matters. And as partners, how we learn to communicate, share and accept each other sexual needs and appetite are part & parcel of the relationship.

Call me a pervert or whatsoever, I'm into nurse and sch uniforms and nothing ashamed about that. Just as how she likes me in my No. 4 uniform. I just share the little fetish fantasies I enjoy with my wife ONLY and get some gratification watching professional actresses performing in porn. There is no disrespect of women... just simply being honest and comfortable each other sexuality in the relationship.

"It takes alot for a man to apologise, esp for something that he did no wrong."
who and what is in the wrong in the 1st place is pretty subjective. It doesn't take alot to apologize. Some people do it just to get out of the trouble or explaining and avoid the long fights.

Sometimes, it just take some maturity for the individual to manage it calmly without the need to cry father & mother over it. Be it apologizing or communicate well with his partner to synchronize. Apologizing is just an action. Depending on his rationale and intention, it could be mean a completely different thing altogether. So, it not necessary mean a BIG thing for the guy. Some (in fact many) men put their egos in front of everything. To me, that itself is pretty immature. They hate to admit it but it happens all the time for these guys. Losing the plot over one's pride is losing the big picture completely. I would agree its a BIG THING to such guys.

 

[cuclainne]

i don't think there is anything wrong with watching porn .. humans, whether male or female, are visual creatures .. please don't tell me that you have never found anyone else aside from your SO to be visually-appealing.

 

[japanese_doll]

hm...what is SO?

 

[simpleman]

your significant other .. or other half?

 

[japanese_doll]

i see. thanks SM. Culainne, hm..though I find other guys visually appealing, they just dont' appeal to me as much as my SO...perhaps because we have gone through so much together, that, we just in our own world, that, other guys just don't match up. I am not saying other guys are ugly, but my SO is juz so special to me...

 

[cuclainne]

well my point is that we can find others visually appealing in different ways ie TS's husband found skimpily clad women as appealing, others turned to watching porn stars, etc - different preferences, doesn't mean is pervert. doesn't mean that we love or think less of our partners ..

i have a 'tv boyfriend' and my husband knows that i find him cute but that's it .. at the end of the day, i'm still with my husband so what's the deal if we find others visually appealing .. my husband also turn his head to look at pretty women sometimes, you don't see me starting a thread because of that!

that is my view.

 

[japanese_doll]

agree with you. I am ok with my SO looking at beautiful women, or having a tv gf...but just that (and perhaps I am more conservative) so I do get concerned when people view porn, and do think why they do that....

 

[gaara]

i'm facing same problem as ice-cream's SO, only thing is that we are married for only 8 mths & my wife din juz give birth to a baby. i know juz how frustrating it is. hv a wife but can only resort to DIY to curb the needs. b4 marriage, wife said must wait till after ROM. So i waited during 5 years of courtship. After ROM, she again refused coz worried that will get pregnant before actual day. so waited for another 1&1/2 year. during honeymoon, only did it twice over 3 weeks. after honeymoon, it always the same excuses... very sleepy, very late ardy, or there's ppl outside (when staying over at her or my parents' place). It has been 8 mths and we made luv less than 15 times... in fact i'm ardy sort of used to it that i dun even feel like initiating now.. juz wait for her to sleep then surf the net and DIY... i luv her very much.. and everything else is fine other than this... dunno how long can this go on though... very sick of it...

 

[miloice]

hi jap doll,

not addressing u nor conservative thinking. But rather, the failure to objective differentiate acts from intent, information from its purpose and effects.

Technically speaking, pron is just another media of information. Whatever material / media, what is really important is the audience. i.e. how they would respond to it.

Humans are sexual creatures. There is no denielling about that. And to different extend, we are all visual. And we do like to see. Porn provides to this primitive visual need of humans. Of course, it can be addictive and dangerous like many other vices. even online chatting, gaming etc have similar addictive effects on some individuals.

Personal, porn is simply an instant sexual stimulus. I have my own sexual urges and don't expect my mate to 'serve' me as and when I want and need it. Sexual compatibility is about getting the balance as a couple. If my wife doesn't want to do it that night, then how? Why do I even need to get negative, upset and disappointed? I just wank it off and get it done with.

Its a good way I can continue to manage my urges while maintaining good sexual health without the marriage. Point is, most people that watches porn, do so, as soon as they get sexually active and not something they pick up after marriage. They will not change their sexual practices just because of a paper.

 

[chip]

All these problems arises when we impose our values and thinking on others.

"If I can...", "because i won't...", "if its me...", etc.

U don't like or won't do doesn't mean you're 100% right and everyone else must not do. You think this way doesn't mean you're 100% right and everyone must not think other ways.

Spend some time to try to put yourself in other's shoes and maybe... just maybe... you'll realise that others may be right also.

I think you'll live a happier life if you can accept the diversity in this world where many times, there's no right or wrong answers, just a matter of preferences and opinions.

So when others do something you can't agree with, it doesn't mean they're pervert or wrong. It also doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you too. It could just be that they simply like to do things that way.

 

[shatterheart]

anyone know why..nowadays especially sg... marriage prob so high..? is it due to society opening up..? or cos woman can stand alone so without any hesitation confront with the man....hmmm

 

[miloice]

hans.... looking at stats, its not SO HIGH compared to the western culture. If you are to compare Chinese in Sg compared to HK or Taiwan, I would say Singaporeans generally are more heavily influenced by the western cultures. This isn't just a personal observations. My foreign friends living in Singapore shares that opinion too.

Western influence encourages individualism and people tend to place emphasis on personal goals and ideals. In a way, people are much more vocal about their thoughts.

However, being independent and confrontal are 2 different things. Being overly aggressive and confrontal reflects immaturity and an overly self-centered behavior.

 

[shatterheart]

milo... of cos i refering to asian country... westerner definately high... but to them is part of their culture.....

 

[miloice]

well... the singaporean culture is changing very dramatically.

 

[onegoal]

icecream,

u should be very happy seeing him looking at woman naked or not naked and masterbate!
Some guys likes yound woman.
some guys likes old woamn.
What if his looking at little boys or hunky man and shaking his kuku jiao??

If so, it'll very soon be the end of your marriage!

 

[saggitarian]

am i weird .. or am i out of trend in this forum ..

how come i dun understand more and more from other members posting ..