need helpful advice

[hurtfulmoi]

Hi, I need some helpful advice.

Starting 2/3 weeks ago, I noticed that my husband had been behaving erratically. He has been going out at 12.30am, citing he has "work appointments". (he's an insurance agent and he said the clients of his night appointments are "factory workers"). he also changed the password of his mobile phone but i managed to decipher the password.

So last night, i did something wrong by invading his privacy while he was showering - i checked his phone and saw this extremely disturbing message to a lady, whom he addressed as 老婆 and the lady addressed him as 老公. So this is what he was so secretive about. He told the lady not to drink too much and that he's worried that she will drink too much. The lady replied that she won't drink too much and he shouldn't drink too much too.

I confronted him and he turned the table around and claimed that i invaded his privacy, which i didn't deny. Reason i gave him: his behavior has gotten so suspicious that i must be blind not to notice the change. Since he is not willing to share anything abt wat he does, this is the only way i can find out. When i asked him who this lady was, he claimed that it was his team secretary who is pulling a joke on him. which married man in the right sense of mind will play along by calling the lady 老婆？！ Then suddenly, he admitted that the lady was his mistress but 5 seconds later, he said it's his secretary. Roti prata-ing?!

He then started to haul vulgarities on me and even laid his hands on me (he strangled me!) this is not the first time he laid his hands on me. There were injuries to show the previous 2 times but i didn't report to police as i wanted to be "fair and reasonable" and gave him chance. but now that he hit me the 3rd time, i decided that enough is enough.

He mentioned that he wanted a divorce (again - 3rd time) so i shall grant him his wish. What i need advice on is the divorce procedure, not sure if anyone can help (or should i consult a divorce lawyer - any recommendations on this???)

1. We have a exec HDB flat in joint tenancy. I am the one paying for this flat - from downpayment, to monthly instalments from my CPF and cash from our joint account (i am also the one who is pumping cash into this joint account to pay the cash component of the housing loan).
-- am i able to keep this flat under my own name since he isn't financially supporting the housing loan, after the divorce? Although he mentioned that he didn't want a cent from the sales proceedings of the flat, i do not want to lose this flat as this is the only place i can put a shelter over my kids and me.
-- even if i have to sell the flat eventually, will i be able to get the full sales proceedings to myself?

2. We have 2 young kids - 2 and 5 years old. Can i get full custody of both kids?
-- I am also the one supporting the kids. My mother is the caregiver and i am the one giving her money for taking care of the 2 kids. He hasn't helped in this either.
-- I am also the one paying for the kindergarten school fees for my elder kid. He didn't help too.
-- My kids witnessed their father laying his hands on me. Does this help me to get full custody of the kids?

3. The renovation of the flat was paid by his auntie whom he claimed that the auntie is giving the money to us as "a gift".

I have no hope of him paying for our maintenance after the divorce since he isn't doing his part as a husband and father to provide for the family. (I wonder if all his money goes to that woman.) We pretty much manage and maintain our own finances (even his credit cards are supplementary by me), or rather, i dare say i am the sole breadwinner paying for everything in the house - from internet bill, to conservancy fees and utilities bills. That's why i want to make sure the least i can keep is the flat.

Any helpful advice to share?

 

[orangepie]

Hi hurtfulmoi,

When the children is still young (below 5 years old), care and control custody are favourable to mother.
You have the ground to divorce whereas he does not, you can either state
1) because of his unreasonable behavior (which does not need any evidence), both of you can no longer stay together
2) or if you have evidence, you can choose because of his adultery, both of you can no longer stay together.

Regarding you house, i am not sure if you need to split half with him, but tell your lawyer that you pay for all the housing expense including your HDB, they can find the proof from HDB. The fastest and cheapest way to done with a divorce is to go for uncontested one, that mean you and him agree in 1) how to go with the house (in your case, get him to agree to take out his name and let you have the house totally), 2) agreed that you will have the sole care and control of the kids, and he can occasionally have access to them if you want, 3) monthly maintenance of the children, lawyer will usually advised that you list out all the expense incurred by the children and split into two, he will pay half. i suggested you at least take a $500 or $1000 to off load your financial burden.

If you can agreed all these 3 condition outside the court, find a lawyer to write a writ. Uncontested divorce can be done with $4k to $5k, whole procedure can be as quick as 6 months.

 

[fullhouse]

just curious, why do you pay for all the house 1st payments, installments when you both wanted to live together, married? You agreed to he need not pay a cent to share a roof with you? and who pays for renovations/furnishings/the rest? and also take into account, without his name in the joint tenancy, you would never have succeeded in a getting that house. so he is kind of entitled to the house in some sense. that's just my opinion.

And when he laid hands on you, did you make a police report? go to the doctors for examinations? Why didn't you report at all?
Your kids witnessed but they are very Young! i supposed it does not help if you pushed them to be witnesses for your sufferings. cos they are going to suffer as well?

As for money wise, if you allowed him to spend his own money without contributing to the household stuffs, both parties have to bear responsibilities for that.

What do you really want? the flat? if the man dun give 2 hoots, pretty sure, he wun fight for the kids and your flat to get his freedom to F around.

 

[rabber]

Take care of yourself dear. He seems violent.

 

[hurtfulmoi]

when we got married, we talked abt splitting the household expenses. i have never thought things will turn out this way. we dated for 4 years before we tied the knot. i thought that 4 years is long enough to determine if he is of "good-husband" quality. He passed with flying colours. And which is why i chose him THEN.

who knows things/people change drastically after marriage? if we all know wat is going to happen next/in the future, there will be no misfortunate, unhappiness in this world, isn't it? anyway back to main topic...

1) re: house, i checked the HDB website and this is this topic on divorcee and housing... the party with care and control to children can still keep the house, subject to some conditions, which are not stated. So that means i need to find a lawyer to double-check on that. I guess no point in calling the HDB hotline. they aint trained to answer such qns, i guess.

2) re: domestic violence, i did consider making a police report but i thought twice bcos i still want him to have the basic level of respect and dignity a man shld have. Guess i am wrong again..........

3) re: allowed him to spend his own money without contributing, i did ask him for money. but as i go abt doing it every month, then every other month, then once in 3 months etc, i told myself "why am i chasing him like a beggar? he owed me this bit, not me. if he can live with his conscience of not contributing financially, then let him be. retribution will find its way to him." (sounds evil but true! i do see such cases among my relatives!)

lastly, he did mention he "doesn't want the house, the kids. I just want my personal space and freedom back" (wat a prick!). so this is pretty much an uncontested divorce, isn't it?

to me, what i want is: the flat and my 2 kids. the moment i have these 2 kids, i know i won't get back my freedom. any mother knows this fact.

just curious, why do you pay for all the house 1st payments, installments when you both wanted to live together, married? You agreed to he need not pay a cent to share a roof with you? and who pays for renovations/furnishings/the rest? and also take into account, without his name in the joint tenancy, you would never have succeeded in a getting that house. so he is kind of entitled to the house in some sense. that's just my opinion.

And when he laid hands on you, did you make a police report? go to the doctors for examinations? Why didn't you report at all?
Your kids witnessed but they are very Young! i supposed it does not help if you pushed them to be witnesses for your sufferings. cos they are going to suffer as well?

As for money wise, if you allowed him to spend his own money without contributing to the household stuffs, both parties have to bear responsibilities for that.

What do you really want? the flat? if the man dun give 2 hoots, pretty sure, he wun fight for the kids and your flat to get his freedom to F around.

 

[hurtfulmoi]

and thanks orangepie and rabber for your advice.

 

[sharingNcaring101]

Getting a Divorce
However, if you are certain you wish to proceed with a divorce, there are several requirements which you will have to meet before a Court will grant a divorce:
You must have been married for at least 3 years before you can file a Writ for divorce on the ground that your marriage has broken down irretrievably. However, and with permission from the Court, you may proceed to file a Writ for divorce before 3 years of marriage if you can prove that you have suffered exceptional hardship or if your spouse has been exceptionally unreasonable and cruel. You are advised to consult a lawyer.
You or your spouse must be domiciled (treated Singapore as your permanent abode) at the commencement of the divorce proceedings. Alternatively, either of you must have resided in Singapore for 3 years immediately before the commencement of divorce proceedings.

How to Seek a Divorce
See a lawyer for advice and assistance. You will be advised whether you can file a Writ for divorce. The lawyer will then prepare the necessary legal documents on your behalf.
In a divorce proceeding, the parties may apply for: maintenance; custody, care and control of children and access (such as visitation rights); and other ancillary matters (for example the division of matrimonial assets, including the matrimonial home). In deciding on the division of matrimonial assets, the Court will take into consideration various factors including: the extent of contributions made by each party in moneys, property or work towards the acquiring of the assets and non-financial contributions made by parties; any debts owing by either party which were contracted for this joint benefit; and the needs of the minor children (if any) of the marriage.


Please take note that you should organise all the documents you have in support of your claim as these will have to be shown to the Court. Documents may well include pay slips, CPF statements, Income Tax assessments and documents relating to the matrimonial home amongst others.

 

[ooosh]

I think what you should do is to get a PI to gather evidence of him going out with the other lady. Don't think so much man...the rest of your questions like spitting of assets, house, children will probably depend on the evidence you gather. One step at a time. Take care.