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[ariel84]

Missy, you mentioned that you don't know why SIL decided to be rude now. Was she treating you better in the past? Like in the beginning when you pak tor with your hubby, how was her attitude to you? Did it just became worse after her divorce?

I don't know if this will work. Just a suggestion - would you want to try becoming friends with your SIL? Since she seems to be the biggest problem here, and your hubby seems unlikely to change his way of treating his family. Perhaps you can explore getting your SIL "on your side" and slowly changing her mindset. There must be a way to reach this woman.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy: I do agree tat u are v contradicting. U say tat u are willing to stay w ur PILs for sure, but u are not even close to them nor are u really making the effort to love n care for them as ur own parents. The family bond is v strong, u shd have known tat long ago n accepted it b4 marriage.

There's is nothing admirable about ur hubby. Firstly, i think u dun really understand him. He has such a strong devotion towards his family. Chances are an ideal wife for him will be one to embrace his family, help him to take care of them, be supportive n understanding towards his work, be gentle n loving when he comes home after a long busy day.

Getting married is v easy. Having a strong n happy marriage is not. It takes alot of commitment, mutual respect n understanding n tons of effort to make things work. Of course, stepping into a clear marriage helps. U shd have known how things were going to be. Its really time to reflect on urself n evaluate ur marriage. If u keep having tat distance w his family, u will slowly find tat distance being reflected in ur marriage.

 

[youngmother]

I had a long long talk with my HB yesterday.

I told him how I feel exactly. I can see tears in his eyes.

This was what he told me.

"theres are no perfect things in the world. Definitely there are certain areas which are imperfect, 1 cannot expect all the perefect things in life"

"u already noe we will be staying together after married... Before u came in, our relationship is very strong and I dunno if u understand..."

"Yes... 8 person staying in a 5 room flat is very cramp"

"Still a year and half ago. We should be shifting there... Buy HDB yet dun stay is illegal..."

When I ask him that issit he hope I must be mentally prepared that there might be 8 person living in the HDB, he answered me this

"All I can answer u now is sis should be getting a house, she might have plans already. Maybe PILs are staying with her, maybe with us."

I said "So u mean u want me to be mentally be prepared that 8 person might be living there?"

He kept quiet.

I suggest why not we all sit down and talk.

"You just just forcing me... I am just helping them to survive... thats all.."

"Originally, I came from this family, when u came in, I started another family with u..." he stopped.

I add on "Yes, so u know somemore both family dun seemed to work together"

He replied "Exactly..."

Then I ask "Then what are we going to do then? See the problem and continue to be let it be a problem?"

He said "Actually you are just picking on sis... "

I said "All i ask is u stand up for me when shes being rude to me but as a hb u didnt, u just hope i can tolerate and forget, i do not mind if we show respect to each other and stay together. Now she failed and u want me to tolerate? And assume I am picking on her?"

He then say he will talk to her again.

I ask "will we get divorce because of this?"

He answer "I dunno"

----------------------

Can any man solve this before I jump to conclusions?

What should I do?

After the house comes, there will be 4 of us. If his sis is joining, 8 persons in the flat. If I reject, I may face a divorce.

Child is unborn, 4mths old, still in time to make decisions for myself.

 

[opalstar]

Thought you were going to pick a good timing..

Actually true also, we don't know the SIL side of story , maybe TS have a contributing role to play. After all, in asian context , it is pretty common for e single sibling to stay with parents and whoever is taking care of them.

Er, howw you count.. Whether Sil stay or not should be either 7 or 8 .. How you count 4?

Okay, anyway, to share a true experience about my family experience. . You can chose to take it anyway you want..

I have a wonderful cousin in early thirties now. When he got together with the wife. The wife promise that she will love the parents like her own and my cousin alrdy told her, first condition is that must stay with parents. She happily agree.

Less than 2? Years in marriage, they went for a divorce. Cos the wife keep saying don't want to stay with parents and his sibling. My cousin took six month leave to basically comfort her, sayang her, saying he can do everything she ask for except to cast his family out. Like your husband, he also told her that wothout his parents, there is no him.

Slowly she start saying my aunt and uncle naggy, always leaving her to do this and that.. When my aunt fell and broke her hip(?) , she barely went to visit her.. And because need several months to recover, she took the opportunity to say to send my aunt to nursing home.. Then maybe can at the same time, ask sibling to stay else where.. My cousin refused, showdown and the wife left.

My cousin never went to get her back since. Cos he is not going to discard his family. Never will.

So yes, missy missy, I do understand ur situation, but family bond will never break especially if ur hubby is like my cousin pattern..

But he is really the most responsible and wonderful cousin I know of.. The wife who left now regrets it and putting up a scene and dun want to sign papers..

My family (including extended) have its share of screwups but the one common trait is our tight bonds..

Same as your husband case, if you want to throw an ultimatium , make sure u can take the result.

 

[youngmother]

No opal,

HB 1st trying to drop me hints here and there, saying I should be contented etc. I didnt start anything on this . He said life issnt perfect, if its too perefect, sometime is wrong somewhere etc. I guess hes trying to tell me that my life is already perfect in his eyes, I should accept the imperfection which is staying with the big family..

including my unborn child, there is already 4 (HB, me, 2 kids) and 2 PILs, 1 SIL and 1 maid. So makes total 8 person. Basically what I wish to see is that PILs take 1 room, my kids and maid take a room and we take 1 room. If SIL comes in, maid can sleep in the household shelter, my kids? Stay with us and we had 4 in the same room? Size of HDB flats in SG everybody knows... 4 in a room is... My kids will grow up 1 day. When I told my HB this, he said PILs will leave 1 day, then? everything will be solved? SIL take 1 room, my kids take 1 room and we couple take another room? Should I hope my PILs in pink health and live another 20yrs and my boys to sleep with us or living room for that long? Or should I be "optimistic" that PILs will have another 5 yrs to go and my boys get to have a room after that? I just cannot help not to think on his words over and over again...

I am not too sure if your cousin and wife has got kids. We have 2. I do not know how old is your cousin's sibling. My SIL is 33. Your cousin might reconsider if she takes the parents but not the sibling? Mine already told me it comes in a package.

Of course I do understand family bonds. I come from a complete family too... I got married and leave the house to start a family with him. Yeah I know its my choice but kids are already on earth, it just makes me feel very gek sim when I already know his answer:- He rather desert the family started with me than leaving his family.

Why must he see things in such a serious manner? Seriously am I unreasonable when I wish to give my kids an environment space?

Right now I am really heart broken.... Is that really what I deserves even after I took pains to bear 2 children for him? I really regret this...

 

[miloice]

Missy, i didn't continue reading all the exchanges here. Basic advise here. Learn to filter the minor petty differences. Look at the big picture.

You should put your foot on important matters that affect your life in major ways. Get that across into the thick head of your husband. For the minor things, let go. Don't even let it affect you anymore. Your words will matter much more to your partner if its sharp, straight to the point addressing the fundamental issues than daily continuous naggings over seemingly trivial matters. The more one nag, the less weight their words carry. Its the same as the exchange here... the more emo you get with your flip flops idea, you lose your creditability and others will start to feel you are just being emotional and not objective.

Things like relationship with SIL, u think getting your husband to tell her off will help build it? Use some common sense leh. This emphasis for the man to take sides and 'stand' for you is really quite pointless. When one put a foot down on something, it should be a necessity. Is there a need for him to tell her off? I don't think so. I believe, lunching with her personally and applying more empathy relating with her daily would have a much better effect in building that relationship.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Missy,

8 in HDB 5-rm.

Master bedrm : Hubby,you and baby
2nd bedrm : FIL and MIL or FIL and your elder son
3rd bedrm : SIL and your elder son or SIL and MIL
Maid in bomb shelter or living rm.

Maybe your MIL don't want to share a rm with FIL, hence the alternative.

I think this should be comfortable temporarily until hubby earn more and upgrade to executive HDB with 4 bedroom or resale jumbo HDB.

I guess since there is no way out just try to think postively. Smile at yourself everything in the mirror and say today will be a better day.

Just to share with you. My mum or MIL stay over at my house at times too. There is a bedroom especially for them. They have the freedom to come and stay as and when they like.

My 2 kids in another rm and my hubby and I in the master bedrm. Maid in yard.

I set an example and also train my 2 kids and maid to say good morning to all the elders in the house every morning. In a loud, cheerful smile. This ensures a happy, harmonious start to a bright new day.

It may seem crazy to you. But whenever my mum or MIL come unexpectedly to stay over, which is quite frequent. I will gather my kids and maid and perform a welcome chorus to them. The elders sure like it and all of us have fun.

Try it today. You will see a difference in your family.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Missy,

To put it simply, just be a " Kai Xin Guo".
and everything will be good.

Your happiness and cheerfulness will be infectious and cheer up everyone including your gloomy SIL.(Who feels the world owns her something)

 

[opalstar]

My cousin sibling is early thirties as well exact age I don't know e exact age. Actually the main problem like you, she wants her own world..though I thank my cousin that he doesn't have kids but he comment that it wouldn't have make a difference

U claims to understand family bond and want the best for your son. Your husband is someone son too. Can't he choose to b w his parent?.can't u understand the mindset of a parent.all I keep reading is that u dun want both ur sil and pil to stay w u. If ur sil move out , u will want ur pil to move out as well.. I wonder how u will feel when ur son tell u that he is chasing u out, cos once married, his wife is his family not u!

By aLl mean, put ur foot down on Sil. Just dun say ur husband love u less..

 

[ariel84]

Missy,

If your SIL is nice towards you and you both can get along, would you then be willing to let her live in the house?

You need to check your heart if the real reason is that you need space for the kids (no doubt, this is a very valid reason), or is it that you cannot stand your SIL and don't want to live with her?

If it's the second reason that's driving you, I still suggest that you try to rebuild the relationship with the SIL. It's worth a try right? You have a happy marriage with two kids, why let it go because of one silly unreasonable woman.

 

[youngmother]

I dun think I want to think of the configuration for them... No matter what I proposed, seemed forcing him. So be it bah... Theres another 1 and half more yrs to go. Who knows what will happen in between.

I just forget about the whole topic and carry on with my life. Maybe we just need time to cool off and do adjustments. Nobody can force him anything. Its up to me whether to take it or leave it. The situation now is like this. He already told me what he want and I told him mine too, guess we will give some time for each other and see if we can compromise. If we cant, separation will be after taking keys too.

I dun deny that deep inside my heart I want a place on my own, very own... I am selfish and I want my own world with the one I loves. Maybe I love my HB but not his family. Its too late to know it now. I already willing to take PILs in now and respect them in future. I think I had done a great job by going this extend, for my HB, he think as a wife, i must take his parents because he and parents comes as a package, loving him must love his parents. As for SIL, HB wants me to accept too, its included in the package and he expected me to take it or leave it as well. Its really up to me to decide.

HB might be caught in between now. I dun wan to persue anymore. Hes been highlighted and there is a yr and half to improve things. I have a yr and half to accept the package. Who knows SIL might suddenly get married and start her own life? To force a decision now is too early issnt it? I am pregnant and I dun wish this to affect me further. I want a healthy kid in long run. If he thinks to remain this way is better and I hv to accept, so be it. If by then I still find I cannot adapt, I might just give up the HDB and move back to mum's place.

Sometimes I think I am just an extra. And HB might feel its not right to ask me to leave at this point of time. Well... its my limit already. If I am firm on my limits by then, I will step back with my kids and return him the original happiness he said he used to have before me and son steps in. Maybe this is what he wants from me but yet so simple and I cant acheive it.

 

[renerene]

Albee,

sometimes I can't help but admire you for your positive vibes and cheerful disposition in life. I don't think it's simply "luck" that you are able to live like you're in a fairyland where everything is good and will somehow turn out good. Do you meet people from the forum? I would really like to meet you if you do, I have a lot to learn from you.

 

[opalstar]

Missy Missy if that's you want at the end of 1.5 years. Then go ahead, start planning for it.

Not trying to scare u but if u want to ultimately take e big step, be prepared to Keep aside money for engaging of lawyer for custody of children(yes, kids, don't think u will be taking custody of both) and maid. You also don't want at that tine to be left with no money to showdown,.

Don't know if u ever told ur husband that u r willing to take PIL just not SIL. Cos all I keep reading is that u don't want both and with his idealogy of filalness , it can be hard to meet.

Since u already decide to wait till kid born and move house. Take this chance to reassess with a clear and objective mind to see if u can truy to live with them.. Somethings in life is hard but can be worth it..Mending relationships w both PIL and SIL could impact ur decision later on. Who knows? Maybe SIL will get married and u can have room for ur children then..

Good luck with your life and of course I hope ur husband, his family and urself could live in harmony..

 

[susanna_low]

Based on what I've seen so far, men do really value family kinship. Even for my own hb, he can't tolerate me saying a single remark on his family. Once he flared up on me when I made a harmless remark on his family.

My own neighbour divorced his wife, just packed up and left the house when his wife shouted @ his mum until she cried.

Guess the only alternative is to accept the package, there's no way that he will move out without them.
Maybe it might sound abit silly, why not change some fengshui in the house to create more harmony?

 

[youngmother]

Hi Opal,

yes, I just told him yesterday, I said I am already prepared to respect his parents no matter wat because they are parents. Then he said his family including his sister which really made my heart turn very very cold.

Maybe at the end of the day I will accept the package. It will be a very tough way ahead... If heaven is kind enough, dun lemme go thru this kind of shit in next life...

 

[nichie]

Hi, missy missy

I felt that your have a lot to say about your situation but nothing seem to be happening…may be you can learn something from Samantha from the other thread “Infidelity in a husbandâ€, practice the healing process she talked about which produce amazing result for her. She is now completely at ease and peace with herself concentrating on her pregnancy while her husband is having fun outside with another woman and returning home to her everyday as if nothing has happen. She is till optimistic and ready to reconcile with her hubby and grow old with him eventually. Can you imagine the mental strength and self-control needed to live life as such? Considering your problem is having a filial hubby and living with 8 persons, your problem seem manageable with some understand and zen mentality. You are like her expecting a baby and this healing process will do a lot good to your unborn baby. You should try it and probably make contact with Samantha to give you some moral support…who knows…it will heal you and change you to want to grow old with your hubby and his other members in same house and not thinking of divorce anymore….if you cant change your hubby then you should try to change your own mentality…..

 

[opalstar]

outcast .. I have e exact same thoughts just not sure if it is good to agitate her more..
Or if it is even fair to compare their situation though I personally think Samantha is going thru a tougher time..


Btw .. Outcast..Are you sure you are not a guy?haha otherwise want be my bf? I am a nice person *winks*

 

[nichie]

sister sister....I am 100% a gal but who say gal-gal cannot be couple *winks**winks*


kidding lah.............

 

[mesa]

hi all, i have also chance in upon this thread posted by missy and read some of the previous posting. The only thing I can relate to Missy problems is that she is in the same situation as me, carrying an unborn child, having pregnancy blues and hormones that is driving emotions at all time high. I went through that in my beginning stage when i fist found out about my husband affair. But I was lucky to have a wise old friend that helped me through the toughest and darkest period of all my bitter thoughts.

Maybe maybe missy here might be thinking she rather have my problems then her problems. Same for me too, I am definately wishing I have her problems instead of my problems of infidelity in my husband, but I am not in the actual situation so it is easier said then done!

Missy, my 2 cents, as I am also facing problems and sharing on experience, focus on the innocence of yr 1st kid and the joy of her growing up. Focus on giving positive vibes to your unborn child, you do not want a grouchy baby upon delivery, you will never forgive yourself if anything happens to the baby due to adults issues. Remember the love you had with your husband, the laughter and sunshine days that I believe he has brought to your life during yr dating and marriage days. All these are some of the thoughts that kept me going other than kids happiness. No marriage is without problems, just have to work through them and salvage if you are resolved to do it.

 

[mum_of_2_girls]

Hi Missy,

Just to comfort you. It is indeed better for hubby to spend time with MIL and SIL than having an affair.

You know, Your hubby is attractive and successful. Lot of SYTs out there. But luckily your hubby doesn't have time to entertain them due to SIL and MIL.

Looking on the bright side, you should be thanking SIL and MIL for taking hubby's time so he doesn't have time for affair.

My own hubby only work part time. Lots of off days.
Unfortunately I have to work on his off days, so I always encourage him to visit his parents or ask them to stay over. To have fun with his parents and our kids while I work.

His parents are really happy that his own son and grandchildren can keep them company and have fun while hardworking DIL (Me) go out to work.

My hubby is also happy that I treat him and his parents well, letting him relax with his parents and kids while I go to the working battlefield.

Actually, you can say I'm not so innocent. I'm out there working and hubby has lots of free time.

I think all of you will know what will happen when a Man has too much money and too much time.

Maybe Missy you can think like me since you have no choice but to live with PIL and SIL

 

[watching]

Missy,

You are being repetitive with your words, I am guessing you are using the same words all over again at home which will not make a difference in getting your points through. All it does is add pressure to your already strained relationship. Philosophical ramblings like, ` If heaven is kind enough, dun lemme go thru this kind of shit in next life...` are just ramblings, bleh. Avoid talking like that, you won´t be taken seriously. Reread what some forummers has said here (no need to regard all suggestions), you could convey these messages to your husband. Be articulate when you do.

I do not deny the most difficult part is to motivate (nobody seems to know how to go about it ?? Ask Powder leh...*wink*, that man knows to motivate) your husband to let his sister go but to get there you need to think of the steps ahead. All you´ve written is not to get too confrontal with the in laws nor your husband but what are your plans exactly? How are you going to execute them?

 

[youngmother]

thanks for all the comments.

I already told my HB about my thoughts. If there is a possibility that 8 persons living together next yr, let me be mentally prepared. He cannot give me an answer. Thats the most pissed off part when his words keep flipping. On good days he will tell me he wants everyone to live together. On day where i confront him, he say will ask the sister to get her own property. On tense days, he will say he dunno what to do and I am giving him stress.

Well.... right now I dun want to think of wats going to happen after we take keys. It really have to depend on situation.

I just hope I can concentrade on my pregnancy and nothing else. I dun wish to talk to my HB on this topic anymore. Message already passed to him, if he insist 8 person living in the same flat is the best choice, he will have to find space for the 8 person and make sure nobody complains.

Maybe I just need time to get used to it if I decided to make do with it. I just hope HB will not be overboard and neglect my feelings. Maybe I think myself too noble. Getting married at a young age and give birth because I didnt want my HB to have big generation gap with the kids, because my MIL wants to carry the grandchildren from my HB. I am a person who think on long run, if we want to retire early, we have to make plans on how its going to work. I like to have a focus so that I will be motivated and work towards the focus. Looks like my HB's thinking is otherwise. He plan according to situation. He solves problems that comes along the way. Whenever there problems, he believes it will be resolved somehow and seemed always prepared for the worse. Its always "worse come worse XXXX".

Well... I think I just need time bah... I just think on bright side. My HB is not a gambler, drinker or a flirt. Hes just a man who values his family more than me and kids. Ya... no plannings... just need time to accept it slowly.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Missy: In tis world, many things have no right or wrong. Everyone has their needs n wants. Needs must be fulfilled in order for long-term joy n stability. Wants are good to have.

In a marriage, it is impt to match both parties needs n wants. As u said, from the beginning u knew tat ur hubby is v close w his family n feels v responsible towards them. U probably didnt realize the full intensity of the strong bond he has w his family. For him, his family comes first above all cos they are the reason for his existence. Wife is someone who came into his life later. Maybe u need to understand him better. Compatibility is when both parties really understand each other, match their needs n accept each others flaws.

For me, my bf is v close to his family n he barely has frens. Over the years, he has learnt to balance frenship, r/ship n family better. But i respect n understand his commitment to his family. For his family's bd, i buy prez n celebrate w them. For mothers day n fathers day, i buy flowers n prez. For CNY, i buy food n share angbao w my bf to give to his parents. When my bf shares w me about how his brother is v stressed w studies, i buy smthg small n cute for his brother to relax n smile. His mother leg cramp, i help her massage. The same things tat i will do for my family, i devote my time n energy n love for his family n he appreciates it to love n cherish me. His grandfather is in a nursing home due to health issues. If i were working part time n have a maid, i wld bring his grandfather to stay w us. To me, i am able to accept n embrace his family as a package in loving him.

U will really have to think about it n open ur heart to try to accept the different expectations tat u n ur hubby have. Otherwise, u will nva enjoy a strong marriage n blissfulness. Jia you. Its a tough time for u. U can do it. =>

 

[nichie]

Hi, missy missy

Seem like you are embarking on the road of healing and changing of mindset...I don't know how powerful is this healing process but in time to come you might find that your house is as big as a bungalow and no number of people will able to disturb your peace...thts how powerful our mind is in changing our perception....all the best to you!