Need help/advise.. bf in cc debt

[blueprincess]

Yiping,

If I were you, and if the next one that comes along also has unwholesome problems, I will also run. This is because I want to marry a man and have a good married life, and not one full of troubles. I am a gal who would rather remain single then marry the wrong man. A dozen "problematic" men can be interested in me, and they can come one after another. But I will still not have the slightest interest cos of my desire to have a healthy, blissful, married life.

Yiping, every man has weakness and strengths. This, we can accept, as we also have weakness and strengths. But, if the guy has unwholesome problems, like financial problems due to poor money mgt, then we should reconsider.

You only have one life. Thus you have to ensure that you make the right choice. The choice that you make cannot come out of the fear that the next bf will also have problems, but the choice that you make must come out because of your own personal values and principles. This, I feel, should be ur guiding principle in life when finding a man.

 

[luina]

Hi Yiping.

Actually, I have go through exactly the same thing that you are going through with my ex bf who now is my hubby. In the beginning he did mention that if he going to start a relationship he will not able to provide me any materialize thing like what other gal want. During that time, I think I too nerdy or been posses by the love and don’t feel money is important.

But soon problems start to appear one by one such as why I can’t dine in restaurant, go on tour or I pay for my own meal. Sorry to say that, cause all my ex has never ever ask me to pay, too spoilt by them, got to admit this (^_^). (But because of him, I start to learn to pay my own thing. ;p)

I start to complain and complain and demand an explanation from him. Well, because of my princess behavior, he left with no choice but tell me frank on his financial background and worst he has a debt of $24K (still rolling at that time, bank..) I was like, how can such a young guy, who owns a car and earn a decent salary have such a huge debt. He told me, when he needs to pay other bank money, he withdraws cash from other bank through his other credit card or credit ready…. I was like…. Don’t you know, if you take the left pocket money to he right pocket money, you are still not solving the problem but will incur more problem.

Whether he should consider he lucky to met me or my unfortunate to met him. Why do I say that, my financial background is strong (mid class) compare to him and education is in financial. Because of his case, I start to use all my learning from school to apply on him.

I spend number of days to go through with him on his bill and ask him why you buy insurance when you can’t afford to pay. He like, friend ma, can’t reject. Hello, if you are not able to help yourself, please don’t think of helping other, you don’t have the capability.

We did approach his family for help but same he don’t want due to this is his own problem, family should not involve, just give me a lot of excuse. But we did approach his dad, the only condition is he want to stay with us (they in the midst of divorce), but as my ex is not very good term with his dad and he know I want a place that belong to just both of us (ya, I’m selfish, but almost all gal don’t want to stay with in-law and one a place they call home). Ended up, we didn’t take his offer.

Another thing, to sell always the car, is a bit impossible, cause the financial company want us to make full settlement before release the car to us to sell and we need to pay all the shortfall and administrative charge. Again, stuck.

What I’m glad is I manage to talk sense to my ex who is stubborn and pride is important. The process is tedious, but you need to endure if you decide to stay with him. I even plan out a 5 year plan for him, told him, if we get married, how much we need and if we have children how are we going to provide them a good life. Most important, ask him, did he want to continue to go through this type of life that every second, hours, day worry for no $$ and can pride and stubbornly help you.

Since, we are not able to get loan from relative and friend, I decide to do some research on the internet to found for solution.

During the CCS, they will work up your payment with the bank. During this process, a lot of thing you need to sort up, like how much you contribute to the household, mobile bill, transportation expense, your own meal expense. They will even question what your role with your bf is. But don’t worry, you can talk to them in separate session without your bf appearance. During my interview with the consultant, I told them in fact, I have the ready cash to pay off his debt, but I want him to learn his lesson. (I think he know I have money, but don’t know I have the capability to pay off his full debt, heehee. Must keep my $$ in case urgency. Hahaha).

He pay his bill on time and more caution on his financial management and he on and off will still treat me a good decent Japanese meal at restaurant. Heehee.

But Yiping, not everyone can go through this, I got to admit, there is time I want to let go and cry because he get himself to this type of mess. I think most important both of you must have determination that thing can work up if not, my advise to you is let him go. This is a true experience.

** Oop, sorry for the long winded msg.

 

[ahyip]

Hi Luina, thanks for sharing your story and experience. Really appreciate it. It's comforting to know someone actually succeeded. I know it doesn't mean the result will be the same, if i choose to wait and stay with him.. cause there's too many factors to consider, like will he really learn like ur hubby. That's not something I can control. And if i really want to stick with him will I be able to take the hardship? I'm still thinking it through.

I'm abit confuse though, why would you call him ex bf? It sounded as though you guys break up but got back together again. lol

 

[luina]

Hi Yiping, this is how I address him after we get married. ^.^ We didn’t break up, in fact I go through the entire process with him. To date, I still feel surprise that I manage to go through this with him. I trying to find an answer, why would I want to waste my time on him and go through this with him where other gal didn’t go through? Sometime, I ask him, did you put some curse on me which lead to me to stick with him? (Just kidding) But I believe is because both of us believe that we can make it.

Frankly speaking, I think I consider lucky cause I able to see he put in effort in paying off his bill and provided me a good life. As a wife or ex gf, what I can do for him is just to show him moral support and understand where he stands. After knowing about his financial background, I start to demand less or in fact no more dining in restaurant or go for expensive activity. And join him to eat at hawker centre or stay at home watching movie. The lesser we go out, spending of money will reduce. It is not easily in the 1st place, but we did it. Just imagine if one party wants to save, another party wants to spend, in the end, and you won’t be able to pay off your debt.

It since like you are still at the “shock / confuse†stage, give yourself and your bf a cooling period like 1 week to sort up what you 2 want. If after the cooling period, both of you are unable to reach a agreement, my advice to you, let go of him even it is hurtful, it not worth at all if he don’t want to change. But the finally decision is still yourself, whether can you take up the hardship or gamble your future with him.

Don’t give yourself too much stress. Think wisely and carefully. If thing cannot work out, just treat it as a learning curve. ;p

 

[susanna_low]

The most impt is the determination to change for the better, not only for u but also for the good of his own future.

 

[tomasulu]

at his income level, he can't afford a car. with the used car prices the way they are, it is a good time to sell. sure, you may have to pony up some cash to do so but otherwise you won't have the money towards paying off the cc debt. and so the interest rolls over until the problem becomes untenable.

btw, now is also a good time to get a higher paying job.

 

[p0o9i8]

I dated a guy for over 4 to 5 yrs, since 18 till 22.
In my poly days, he was every girl's dream guy.. why I say so.. he projected the image of a super caring guy.. My parents love him, he was affectionate.. not too bad looking.. etc..

But unknown to all, he built up a bad habit which was gambling. Thru his habits, I picked up gambling as well cos of my greed and lost all my savings.. not much, 1 to 2 k, but as a 18 yr old back then, it was all I had.

Back then I studied and also took up many part time jobs to fund my shopping and gambling.. but gd thing I kicked this habit later after losing everything I had. I was negative and living on my pocket $$.. have never felt so pathetic before.

after graduation, BF signed on with the Army, claiming that he would not have time for me if he went to NS..

I found my 1st full time job and after 1 yr I left for further studies..

Thruout the relationship, I find him to be TOXIC..

Being in a relationship, my expectations, at least at such a young age.. is to learn and grow together..

Both of us had different directions.. I wanted to earn more, and establish my career, I din see this in him..

moreover, he got himself deeper in debt.. desperate and had to borrow from me frequently.
Though he always pay back what he owes.. my respect for him had diminished.

To me, he was a loser who did not help himself, better himself or had any ambitions.

I could see no future.. and left him.

I think at age 25, its not too late, you have to seriously consider.. do you want to baby sit this man.. your future husband?

when you reach 35, don't you want your own house and be able to holiday, honeymoon together without any debts to worry about, or him with his bad $$ management skills..

Honestly, age 30 is peak, and you should be earning likely your best salary..
If he is still tied down by debts and need you to prioritise his spending.. this guy is not worth the effort.

Love does'nt fill your tummy.. u dun need a rich guy.. but definitely a wise guy whom you can depend and also grow old with.

I would'nt expect my husband to babysit me.. but I regularly compete to better myself and try to match his earnings. This is one of the few motivations for me in life and what I love my husband for. He pushes me to better myself. And this is a point I appreciate of him

 

[p0o9i8]

o, to add..
if you do accept him for who he is and decide to stick by him despite his shortcomings..

when you guys finally marry, or in the process of getting some big ticket items..

house / wedding etc..

this is when the stress comes.. and u will have to really relook at the possible life you will have should you marry him. granted by then, you could be 27 or 28.. which by your standards.. even later.

If you do get past this stages, congrats..

next.. kids.. enrichment classes.. holidays.
If you can "tahan" counting pennies.. having to pinch pennies and save to put your kids thru enrichment class.. or even a basic kindergarten, then fine.

But u may find yourself comparing why your life is so "ku" compared to your friends who may be better off..

in short, your hubby could be a financial and emotional burden.

sorry to be so negative, I am a very pragmatic person, and my job nature forces me to be very analytical and strategic with my decision making.

not to offend you.

 

[tomasulu]

good unsentimental advice. but it's scary coming from a young-ish person.

30 is not when you earn your best salary. unless your career choice involves kicking balls into nets.

 

[p0o9i8]

I mean 30 is a start.
at least from my friends and peers, I see 30 for them a start right up to 45+
30 is not the age where u earn the most, if thats what u were thinking

 

[luina]

Hi Yiping, how everything?

 

[pinkydollie]

Hi there, u shld advise ur bf to go thru CCS.. have them to look into ur bf's finance such that they are able to work out something for them.. Personal Loan or insurance loan have their interest rate..

if CCS are able to help ur bf, they will be able to convince the banks to issue ur bf the DMP which interest rate in some cases is as good as 0% or otherwise less than 10% (even than what the banks can offer with their DRP) and there will be no need for u to worry abt incurring late payment charges..

But there are points to note.. CCS likely will advise ur bf to sell away the car cos to all the bank's POV, a car is a liability and without the car, it will allow ur bf to have more to repay his debt.. And so in cases wherein DMP has been approved, ur bf must be prompt in his payment and he have to learn how to manage his finances.. that's for u but most imptly is for himself..

other than CCS, there is also another way out.. which is to declare bankruptcy.. and becos ur bf's debt is less than 100k and assuming he is not a sole proprietor of any company, he will fall under the DRS - Debt Relieve Scheme.. this will allow his debt to be manage by official assignee and no longer by banks.. which OA will have the decision of how much ur bf have to pay and what are the actions (like sell car or house) he should take to repay the debt.. also at the end of three years, his debt will be considered cleared becos he do not need to be discharge from bankruptcy..

one bad thing is that in both cases, his credit rating will drop.. it will be hard for him to get any loan frm any banks or credit company..

hope the above can give u an idea of what are the solutions he have..

if u want to know what are the legal actions that can be taken against ur bf, u can pm me.. =)

 

[shopshopshop]

Hi Eve

its true that one bad thing his credit rating will drop once this case is lodged thru CCS.

Just like my bf, he has sought help from CCS. CCS has also requested him to sell his car, therefore he trf the car under my name.

All his credit cards has been terminated too, hence i apply supplimentary cards for him.

And I am now his personal accountant heeeeheee.

Dun worry ok, just seek help from the right channel and pieces will fall in place.

 

[pinkydollie]

Hi shopaholic, yes i agree!! =)

 

[ahyip]

Thanks all for the replies.

Since most of the cards are from a same bank, he've spoken to the bank and try to consolidate the amount into 1 repayment loan. Currently is still waiting for the loan to approve. If for some reason it doesn't get approve, we'll seek help from CCS.

We've work out a plan on how to pay back the money. And if everything goes as planned, the debt should be gone within 18months. He has been sticking to our plan for the past 3 weeks and is more alert on money spending.

As for me, i've gone through the crying part. If he's determine to change for the better I'll definitely stand by him, if not, I'll just let him go.

Hi Lunia, thanks for checking. Mind turning on your pm? Incase I wanna seek advise from you in private

 

[luina]

Hi Yiping,

I have on my PM. But not sure right a not. heehee

 

[_bb]

Hello YiPing

I dont think borrowing money from relatives ias a gd idea cuz 谈钱伤感情.

I mean :

(1)your SO is a man in his 30s, I believe he want pride n face.

(2) What happened if a day the lender suddenly ask ur SO to return all them money?

My friends used to own CC debts. But i planned for them and now they are debt-free.

Honestly the first few mths of not spending anything and just to pay the loan is very difficult. But so long your SO can get over the hurdle, I believe he will be able to pay off his debt soon within 1-2yr

 

[hannah24]

Hi Yiping, Good to hear you guys worked it out. I guess at the end of it all...if he's determined to change for the better because of you then it means you mean a lot to him. Just be careful for your future. I am pretty realistic but at times I also believe that money is not everything. Follow your heart and mind. All the best dear.

 

[oceangrace]

Hi, really need advice on my situation.

I had a debt of abt 50k mainly fm credit lines/credit card balance transfers and currently struggling with monthly min. payments.

If I were to seek help via CCS, I am worried it will affect my mortgage loan which will only be disbursed over the next 3 yrs. If the agreement had been signed and processed, anyone know if its totally safe?

Or, if I were to pay this bank all that I owe and then go for a DMP, will it still affect my mortgage loan?

Appreciate your advice.

 

[pinkydollie]

DMP will not affect ur mortgage loan.. fyi, DMP aka Debt Management Programme is aim to help you to spend less and factoring in how much you spend every month.. therefore they will work one expenses plan with you that is within ur means..

the very impt thing is that once DMP has been approved, DO NOT stop paying or miss every payment.. cos the banks will have the right to revoke ur DMP on the basis that u stop paying.. otherwise, u r safe and all the banks are happy that u made payment rather than go into bad debts.. =)

 

[oceangrace]

Thanks pinkydollie... Really appreciate your advice

 

[pinkydollie]

u are welcome.. =)

try to go to them as soon as possible.. =) dont let the debt roll into a big snow ball that u cant accept..

if possible, look for a certain Mr Lim, he is one of the better and most experience one in the group.. he will be able to give you good advice.. =)

good luck to you!!

If u need any more advice on what are the legal proceedings bank do, i can give u a rough gauge or the time lines and proceedings they will use based on situations. Do PM me if u need any help! =) jia you..

 

[oceangrace]

I actually intended not to let my other half know abt it but guess in the end, I plucked up my courage to confess to him last eve and he offered to help wif part of the debt and that was a big relief for me. The other half I will need to bear it myself which I think its fair cos I need to be responsible for my own debts.

I will settle whatever we can and re-look at the situation again in a month or two. If possible, we would like to avoid seeking external help if we can manage. No matter what, by doing so will definitely affect our credit standing.

Thanks for being ard to provide so much info. Shd I still need help, will PM u

Nice knowing u...

 

[pinkydollie]

sure! no problem!! hmmm... in actual fact ur current credit rating has alr dropped comparatively..

try to arrange for instalment payments with the banks but first thing of all they will demand a initial lump sum payment before they offer u an instalment plan.. this act is to prove whether r u sincere in making payment. =)

hopefully everything is alright for u soon... jia you!! =)

 

[oceangrace]

Thanks for the encouragement! Will Jia You and Jia You!!!

 

[mirrorcelcius]

Today Generation, little problems, your friends already advise you to consider the relationship.

do anyone here have no problem at all in life ? anyone ?

if you put this thought of RE-Consider style, just a little problem, you will never be with anyone.

I would love to date someone does not have flaw ad problems in life. it is a awesome.

 

[tomasulu]

He is a 30+ someone who hasn't planned well for his finances. Putting that aside it would take him quite a few years to get to where he's financially able to be married and start a family. That's assuming he will swallow the bitter pills necessary to right the financial mess he's in. If he's Greece will you be the German savior? Your sentiment is noble but completely misplaced.

 

[miloice]

little problems will snowball. No one expects a life without problems, but its blind to ignore key fundamental issues that is has already snowball and likely to worsen given the lack of priority to manage it.

 

[yesno333]

It is important to stay thru thick and thin in a relationship...since he owe 18k...u should dip into ur savings to help him clear as much of his debts as u can....borrow from ur own family or friends if possible....imagine what if u are the one in debts....the important thing is he is good to you..money should be secondary....

 

[veryboring]

Lu Luina (luina)
I have read your story. I am totally impressed with you how u stay with your bf till he becomes your hubby.


Unlike some people without thinking twice advised people to break up lah this la that lah... Some people likes to 'yi lao mai lao'.

Yiping (ahyip)
Of course it will be a difficult process to get to the end of the tunnel and see the light but ultimately nobody here knows your boyfriend more than yourself. If you want to break up with your boyfriend, you will find 101 reasons and ways to support yourself with excuses for the break ups. But if you love your boyfriend deep deep and wants to stay with him all the way, i believe u will find many reasons to stay with him till the end. Breaking up with your current boyfriend will not assure you of getting a better one. Unless for every guy who wants to be your boyfriend, let them fill up an interview form with questions including 'are you an ex bankrupt, are you with debts more than 3X your current salary, are you this are you that'. If only they are clear then you will be with them?

You may get someone who can provides you a life of a princess but remember a prince usually can have concubines and many other bad and undesirable habits in their life. So you weigh your on pros and cons. You know yourself the best and all the best to your BF and You.

 

[miloice]

some people... are you going to answer to people that waste years turning a blind eye to issues that are existing all the long.

There is no fixed answers. What worked for one doesn't mean will work for another. Just be very aware of what they are getting into. There is no blaming of the spouse or friends that encouraged them to stay on or break up. It always takes two to tango. Hoping the partner to change is hopeless. There need to be determination to progressively influence the change.

 

[clark]

fat, ugly, like to stalk pple, retarded and stingy MILO....

can you TANGO out of here ???

 

[mirrorcelcius]

capitalism, no DEBT no GROWTH, you bf deserve it, he is part of the system. so live with it. don't want to have debt. live within your means. when someone do better don't get envy.

 

[mmei_zi]

yeah....who ask u to choose a LOSER!!! ask him to drive taxi la...

 

[Luina.Lu]

Hi Yiping,

It’s been quite some time seen my last post on 7 Sept 2011 on how you and your bf? Is everything fine?
Time past fast, I have not visited here since my last post of 7 Sept 2011. Busy with ton of thing.
SO and I have been doing great. We even completed our banquet and renovation for our new flat last year and paid off everything with cash. Of course slightly less than $100K of what the currents news about groom and bride spend for their wedding.
Hubby is still paying off his own debt that he occur the last time, although we can paid off it quite some time ago (it also serve as a reminder to hubby, don't anyhow spend or commit thing that he can't), but we decide to save it for raining days.

Hi VeryBoring,

Thank for the compliment.

There are people who think why stick to such a guy who can't even paid off his bills or debt. But I think a lot of people forgotten one thing. Regardless whether you are born from silver, gold or metal spoon, we are human and human make wrong decision or mistake.
In life there is up and down, some will have a smooth or rock path throughout their life. As long all of us know what to do and make sure history will never repeat itself again and be more responsible to solve the matter rather than waiting for miracle to happen by itself.
An example, that might be one day, you might become like the BreadTalk boss. He has a few business venture failure and incur with huge debt, did his wife and family members left him. In fact, no, his wife goes through everything with him and now what have he become and the credit go to who? Is his family and himself because they have never let go and move from there.
Everyone will have different fate, as long you try it and know you have done your best, whatever outcome face it. Rather blame on this and that.

Pardon for my blunt. No offence to anymore.

 

[ooosh]

In debt or not is not important. it will always get paid off someday as long as you keep it under control and lead a frugal lifestyle to keep it in check. Everyone of us will incur debt the moment we start our family be it housing loan, car loan, renovation loan and other misc personal loan. Those who stretch the loan repayment period to max for housing and car loan but say they have no debt, the interest incurred is a hell of a debt itself.

To me, most importantly is to be happy in a relationship and stay positive to the people who cares for you and in your daily life. Paying off debts or constantly loggerheads with your other half more tiring? I think its the latter as debts can be solve by money the other you cannot.