Need advice on splitting wedding costs with my partner

Hi all, would like some advice as none of my close friends are married yet and I'm the first amongst them so don't really have anyone to ask haha.

So my mum is the traditional type and requested for 6 tables and expects my partner to pay. My partner expressed displeasure to me (subtly) and asked if I can negotiate with my mum to which I said I'm not able to. Knowing my mum, she confirm pocket all the angpows..Anyway my partner agreed to give my mum 6 tables but asked me to split the costs with him for the wedding 50-50. My mum keeps the 6 tables angpow but any other angpow we receive, we split 50-50 too.

So just wanted to check with the ladies here, is the splitting of costs between couples usually done before or after deducting the tables given to bride's parents? Am I supposed to pay for half of the 6 tables my mum had requested for? Or can I just pay the (total tables-6 tables) / 2?

Appreciate insights as to what's the norm. Many thanks!
 


buddhabar

Active Member
Wedding is a couple event , unless you marry up ( significantly ) else both of you should share and bear the full cost together.
This includes the entire event from wedding preparation, gown, suits, photoshoot, dinner banquet etc All the angbaos , except those from the 6 tables for your mom's, should be pool to pay the bill. Imo, the 6 tables are from the newly couple to the mother in law and not part of the dowry.
i have a buddy who carried a 3 yr debt because of his wedding expenses which inevitably caused a strain in his marriage.
During my time, my wife and i started a joint account 1 year prior ( till today ) and we contributed monthly to this account equally. This account is used for the entire wedding event and subsequently all future family expenses including buying our matrimonial house, our childbirth, sch , yearly holiday etc.
 
Thanks for your input. Is it a norm to share cost of the 6 tables given to the bride's (my) mother? Or is it supposed to be paid by the groom?
 

hiaohiao

New Member
Hi all, would like some advice as none of my close friends are married yet and I'm the first amongst them so don't really have anyone to ask haha.

So my mum is the traditional type and requested for 6 tables and expects my partner to pay. My partner expressed displeasure to me (subtly) and asked if I can negotiate with my mum to which I said I'm not able to. Knowing my mum, she confirm pocket all the angpows..Anyway my partner agreed to give my mum 6 tables but asked me to split the costs with him for the wedding 50-50. My mum keeps the 6 tables angpow but any other angpow we receive, we split 50-50 too.

So just wanted to check with the ladies here, is the splitting of costs between couples usually done before or after deducting the tables given to bride's parents? Am I supposed to pay for half of the 6 tables my mum had requested for? Or can I just pay the (total tables-6 tables) / 2?

Appreciate insights as to what's the norm. Many thanks!
Everything split 50-50 because we are hosting the event as a couple. I will never let my husband shoulder something on his own because we are a team.
 

prettycameras

New Member
Hello, I had a similar situation. My mom requested for a few tables, meaning she will pocket the angbao. My understanding is that the groom’s side is supposed to pay for the tables as “dowry”; the bride shouldn’t need to pay.

My fiancé had a shock too when I told him, but I negotiated with my mom for less tables.


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TazLyn

New Member
Mine in a way was 'split' too in the past. In traditional way, the husband need to pay for the tables requested from the wife's mother. Like 10 table etc. The wife of course can helped to pay 50-50 for the table (without letting the mother know) if she want. Usually the hongbao from the guy's side will go to the husband, while the hongbao from the woman's side (ie table), will go to the wife. Definitely a good idea to split 50-50 for the hongbao, since usually the man's side have more table (aka more hongbao).
 

hambie

New Member
Hi Sunshinepancakes

just a piece of advice, traditions are passed down by ancestors few generations back where the guy has to gift or to brutally lay it down - buy over the bride. Reason being last time woman (many gens back) they give birth, take care children, cannot go out work, even if they work, they are paid super low due to sexism.

Now 2024 already, many woman now earns more than man. For myself, i told my husband I want to hold a wedding and on the other hand he just wants to ROM as wedding is unnecessary spending (smart, prudent and intelligent person). I do agree and said sure, since i want it, i can afford it, you just pay for the rings because i am unable to pay myself.

And if we really want to materialistically count who pay what, honestly, the money he spend for me i think the money i pay for wedding also cannot cover or pay back !

wedding and marriage is two (2) people thing. Ownself decide. You are your mom’s daughter, your husband is someone’s son. Always remember. Who can pay what, if can pay just help. Ultimately angpow money confirm he get more than you if he invite more. Unless your family wealthier than his.

Last but not least, don’t forget ah, the more you allow your mom take, the lesser you guys have to pay for renovation. Even if bank loan both also eat 菜贩。As a future wife, support your husband. You control your family, he control his.
 

ElinJ

New Member
My sister case same as you. My mom ask for 10 tables as my father side relatives a lot.. .. but only manage to reduce to 8 tables only (the 8 table angbao will kept by my mom). Her hubby not happy on this. So her MIL step in say ok. When after wedding, my sister told me, overall still need to top-up another of ard $10k after overset the remaining angbao. Her hubby face turn black but luckily is her mil help them to pay the $10k instead. From what I know, if girls parent side ask for table is consider their dowry. But to prevent conflict, they both should have an open and honest conversation about each other feelings and expectations.
 

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