My Wife Has Died

powder

Active Member
sometimes i find some girls abit funny... u would rather spend hours and days or even weeks/months/years guessing...

when only a few hours can give u an answer.

it's even funnier when i see pple posting online to ask if they are pregnant...

some things in life... it is there for u to get the answers... and u must be prepared for it. waiting around for answers When the answer u can find out today, later, etc... is something i dun understand.

life only got that many number of years for u... u wanna spend your time wondering or living it to your best... is entirely in your hands. Why u and i can have different lives is becos 6yrs ago, i would have gotten my answer liao, and i would have made decisions based on them... to live life better and happier.

so it's for u to figure...
 


alienwoman

New Member
powder..wat u say is true to some extend..errr, but u sound very fierce to take charge. i'm not soft but i have my limits on wat i wld do in handling situations, like everyone else in this forum. =) however,now, i'll fight for some answers- becos my limit given in this situation has reached. so here i am, gathering tots and some opinions. thanks for chipping in..
 

salsa_babe

New Member
I dun understand wat's there to be embarrassed of

To spend time posting here and replying, why not just do something that might give you the answer that you have been waiting for?
 

powder

Active Member
i'm not fierce, i'm just someone who wants to make Good Fast decisions instead of dragging on... i think the teenage years i have wasted enough time wondering if a girl likes me, whether i should ask her to be my gfren etc... little things like these... i think we've gone thru abit here and there to have learnt our lessons from young. Or have we?

life should be progressive... we should get better and not repeat mistakes, we will save time, from minutes to hours and over the course of 50yrs - we may even have saved a full 3-5yrs! that's ALOT of time... simply by taking charge and making decisions on FACTs, not on wishes, on hopes, on suspicions or guesses.

if in the same situation, and i NEED to know... i would just tell my gfren that i cannot go on this way and would like time away from her... it's either she opens up or she doesn't. IF i can handle without knowing, then i wouldn't bother to ask... and just be happy with what we have. Not needing to know - is a decision, it would be my decision. of cos i'm a guy so i dun really care much abt a girl's background if i love her and decide to be with her. it Will Not affect me psychologically, life goes on for me... But for yourself if u're stuck in this turmoil, do something to find out, or rest your mind totally.

that, is a decision.
 

powder

Active Member
further to that...

u will know what sort of a person u are when u look at your coffee conversations with frens... isit full of guesses and conspiracy theories where alot of mind-juice is wasted wondering things and creating scenarios...? or isit the type where u share your facts, your plans, your intentions and u put them into action?

so if u intend to put into action - marriage, life, children, growing old together... i guess it has to involve his family (if it means Alot to u)... and the more u procrastinate, the longer it will to take u to the next level. his folks could just be decent normal folks, whilst he may be the one with the problem... we wonder wonder wonder... until such time u Know, u won't know. so dun guess lor... if u're happy then be happy... Dun question your happiness, dun question how long u can be happy, dun question if u can be happy...

u get what i mean? alot of pple fcukup their own happiness by asking how long their happiness will last. If u are in it, u are in it. we all know life also encompasses sadness and grieve... they are unavoidable aspects in life... and they will hit us when we least expect simply becos that IS life... so we take what we can, if u are happy today... HEY! BE HAPPY! dun question it.

perhaps at the end of it, u'll get your answer, but until u get it, dun let Guesses on the answer - bother u nor deprive u of being happy...

if u trust him wholeheartedly, then who can take that away from u? if u trust him wholeheartedly, then dun let pple make u waver in your decision to trust him... and to trust him means to trust that his reasons are valid and good... til such time u no longer find reasons to trust him. in any case, to trust is simply to trust... u cannot half-trust, quarter-trust, trust abit... u simply Trust.

perhaps now is a good time to spend some time discovering yourself... who u are, why u are, and to truly explore yourself in this life... and the life n dreams u hope to achieve... wouldn't that be a better place to spend your time on?

Smile! becos u have someone u love and who loves u back.
happy.gif
 

powder

Active Member
yes yes, am a guy. but hor... my best lady fren is stronger than me hor... she grabs life by the horns and fights harder for her happiness... so gender is just a small part to it. just need to know as a lady u're more prone to emo... but can control one lah...
 

ajumma

New Member
it's possible that ur bf comes from a strict family and he is afraid that they may not accept u, which may lead to him being put in an awkward position between his family and u.

also, just guessing, maybe he has this fear that if his family and u don't get along, he may lose u.

anyway, after 7 yrs, it is time for him to be a man and confront his fears.
 
alienwoman,

no matter how i just believe.
To be clear what you want first.
If really not suitable, no matter how many yrs with him . a person wont change... either to his family.

No point, throw your head into the water and you know you going to be breathless..

Be truthful to yourself, is it worth or not?

Rather to waste the 7 years now then waste another 7 years ..

No matter, how much as outsider tell you.
Yourself has answer should continue or not....
 
Seriously, which woman don't want to have a happy memories wedding and the person which love her and married him..

Just be fair to yourself and your family member and friends whom cared for you..then make them worried about you.

If they know you are not happy and bless for the married.....all will be sad.

To sign that paper is cheap but to go through the divorce case is expensive .. if have kids even more sad lor ...
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Alienwoman: U allowed the situation to go on for 7yrs. As u said, its a long period of ur time n its ur youth tats wasting away. I honestly feel tat u shd have at least got to know his frens or colleagues, so tat u can assess his character better.

It might really do u good to get a close fren whom u trust to hang out ard ur bf's place to 'look see'. Otherwise, if u really want to talk abt respect, then stop the wedding discussion now n let ur bf know tat while u are not forcing him, it is impt tat u meet his parents b4 both of u discuss the wedding plans again. Ask him to give u a timeline during which no talk about marriage shd be entertained. If he 'overcomes his mental barrier' (which i kind of distrust) n introduces u to his family, it is fair to u n u can assess his family to c if u will have any problems w them in future. If he still doesnt intro u to his family by next yr, i suggest u seriously think about ur own future.

I dun see how both of u can discuss marriage seriously when u have nva ever met his family. If u are a parent, how wld u feel to have ur child out of the blue telling u tat he has a gf n wants to get married? I am sure u wld feel tons more comfortable tat ur child introduces u to his gf, let all of u take some time to know each other b4 bringing up marriage. Quite weird to pop into his family n say 'hi, i'm his 7yrs gf whom u have nva met. u dun know me but we are going to get married n we have discussed the details w/out u.'

Truth be told, when u introduced him to ur family yrs back, he shd have been prepared to introduce u to his as well.
 

yoongf

Member
Alienwoman,

I am just curious, why both of u pak tor for 6 yrs? Isn't that kind of draggy? Noone brought up the topic of marriage?
 
yes that what i think also..

seriously, if a man really serious with you after 3mths you know during the honeymood period lor..

but, a man is just drag until one day find a correct woman then u are spare one lor ..

i am sorry .. hopefully what we said is not truth ...

my gf encounter such issue .. the man look perfectly innocent looking .. treat her family and even sponsor study which is 8 yr diff ..

end up when my gf reach latest 20s for more than 9 or 10 yr tat is rubbish.. everyone ask him when not married always same old excuse not ready , no money .. those are so example for a man to lie ..

Image early morning pick you, lunch fetch u, after work fetch you hme .. u call anytime is on the ball will cme to pick .. wkend also cme over the huse to eat with her family.. so ..

only hardly stay over nite her place on weekend...
when go hme will half hr call her to tell her he is hme .. end up he is married ...

one day, he saw his passport...

I not biased toward man .. the fact just ask urself what you wan ..

is it worth to get upset or to continue headwire and mess up ur life .. always so lost and think why other so good life ...

just remember this :
what kind of person you wish you to live with depend on what kind u mixed with ..

is cruel to tell all these but one day you will be also other people parents .. end of day, you know your child life is so messy ..

you can foresee ..

If he love you .. all those strange stuff wnt be happen ..

very sorry if said anything hurt you .. jsut dun feel offended ..

Is time to stand down and straight up your though then been so upset and loss ..
 

matka

Member
Donna, just being kaypoh here. How did your friend find out about his marital status by looking at the passport?
 

alienwoman

New Member
my more than enough tots has covered all above. my nerves shrinking. at the moment, i'm taking a step back no matter how discussions between me and him evolve.
if he doesn't make effort to salvage, i'll snap the funny business.
 

alienwoman

New Member
finally i said it. but won't be impulsive..
previously on hold becos - my concept on the solution is --don't fail a person's paper if only one answer is wrong or not satisfactory.
 
what is the big deal for not meeting his family??? i dun understand it. you all are jus complicating things.

i dun bring my bf to my home for a visit for also 7yrs.

there are only 3 visits in a yr. 1st is cny. 2nd is to ask my parents for approval for mariage. 3rd is to discuss marriage plans. then i'm marrried to him the next yr.

same thing. he dun bring me home until abt 6yrs in relationship. (1 yr earlier than me) 1st visit was also cny. then no visit at all for almost 2 yrs. until 2nd visit is after my parents approved our marriage, then we go and ask for his parents approval.

now i'm living with my in-laws. no problem at all. they still treat me very gd till now...

i have asked around... only my mil will make breakfast for me. those i've asked say no mil will make breakfast for their dil... except me.. if i'm home for meals, she will promptly cook it every meal herself.. where to find such a gd mil?

so... not meeting the parents is after all not a bad thing at all.

dun worry too much for nothing...
 

alienwoman

New Member
if everyone can think and feel the same, we can all exchange partner or pick any man at bustop we fancy becos either A or B man, things will work out well without a pinch.
 
we are in a generation whereby the parents are only concern for ur happiness. and if you are happy with the guy/gal, they will be happy for you too. and treat ur other half like own child.

we are not in the old generation whereby the daughter-in-law (dil) must be in favour with the mother-in-law (mil).

some couples do meet at bus-stop only and love at 1st sight and live happily thereafter.

1yr or 7yrs relationship is actually no different.

i got frens who get married after knowing 1yr only, but working out very gd.

i got frens who know each other abt 10yrs but got dumped in the end.

if things work out, it will work out fine eventually.

if things doesn't work out, no matter wat it won't work out.

i'm someone who believed in fate.

if it's yours, it is yours. if not, it is not.

i'm only concern in my relationship with my hubby rather than my relationship with my in-laws. that is why i'm not keen in "meeting the parents" session. i dun wan anything to jeopardize our relationship.

if u value ur bf, you should do everything to keep the relationship gg and not stain it with the "meet the parents" issue. do you think meeting his parents is more important than your bf? not every guys will cheat. so dun think that he is cheating on you.

most ppl will still have some secrets hidden in the heart. dun try to dig it if he doesn't wish to share.

btw. there are really ppl out there exchging partners and picking man on the streets they fancy. dun underestimate the youngester nowaday.
 

alienwoman

New Member
think u dun understand, its respect both ways..
we have diff values. i don't think its advisable to be only concern with my relationship with husband. the background of a person, despite not affecting the person's upbringing, might impact future lifestyle. Eg. u like A man, meet parents 3 times for formality sake,after wed, u realised fil is dunkard, mil is always rude, whole family finacially stranded.

All this in a mature sense, should be taken into consideration. even family is fine, and in-laws are nice pple, give the poor old folks some time to digest.

Parents are happy when we are blessed, but to show ample due respect, they ought to have some acceptance period too.

perhaps my upbringing is diff from urs. very diff even on the way of my lifestyle if staying wif in-laws.

my 2 cents worth...
 

alienwoman

New Member
not offended, but i know you r straight forward person so i reply same way.
i won't lose my bf if he tries to salvage. its just how i do it, thus posted my message
 
hmm...

of course i have thot of this before, like why my then bf not bringing me home for visits etc..

but a fren told me...

even if ur pil are very bad, maybe always fighting or even involve police... am i gg to give up my bf? if the ans is no, then i no need to care so much. coz ultimately, the person i grow old with is my hb. touch wood - maybe i only live with his parents for a couple of yrs only and they are ready to "go"...

because 相è§å®¹æ˜“,åŒä½éš¾ã€‚even if i visit them everyday it is different from living together. they still need to put on a friendly face when u visit. but if start living together... do you think anyone can put on a friendly face every min?

that is her/his (cannot rem which fren told me) point of view. which i personally think very useful. so i adopt it...

maybe i'm lucky enough that everything turns out well...
 

alienwoman

New Member
ya you are very fortunate.
i had a fren whom did not meet up with bf's family till late stage. got pregnant then married. after 1st kid, problem start to make her dizzy.
her fil passed away, left huge debts w/o ins coverage, mil sick. drag for 5 plus yrs. dun care also cannot, so she stucked by her husband. can't even afford decent living when nothing is of her business.

this is what i meant. mil is also mother. once you marry the man you love,u don't only grow old wif him, both have to live life together.

hand in hand, take the journey (burden or joy)
 

cksgp

New Member
Hi alienwoman,

It's truly painful to wait for so long.
Even as a guy, I would be in a position of wondering.
What kind of family does he have?
How is he being brought up all these years?

And yes, when one marries, he or she also "marries" his or her family.
Right now, even though my wife has "sort of" left me and my family,
she also spends less time with her family btw,
I still keep in close contact with her family,
helping her parents, brother-in-law etc.

The family unit is a strong bond no matter how people deny it.
It will return to haunt them one day (esp. when they are older).
The Mas Selamat case is evidence of how powerful family is.

My advice is to hold on to the relationship if you believe in him.
And to be patient if you love him.

Ezekiel
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
Alienwoman: I agree w u on the family part. Yes, it is based on individual comfort level. Its gd tat despite ur love for ur bf n the length of time u have spent w him, u are still able to see the issue clearly n be fair to urself abt wat u need n want.

I believe in the same mentality tat ur in-laws are family as well, so its impt to take time to get to know each other, let them be comfortable w u n accept u for who u are, rather than just cos u are their son's bf. Dun know how to explain but I feel tat it makes a huge difference n u will be able to sense if they really like u or they have no choice but to like u. Speak to ur bf to share w him clearly how u feel, assure him tat u love him n are serious abt the r/ship (otherwise, u wldnt be spending 7yrs w him rite?) n seek his opinion n tots. If both of u are really planning marriage, u will also have to discuss topics like finances, spending styles, conflict handling, filial piety, housing, commitments, chldn, parenting styles etc. It pays to know each other's tots n stand on each topic cos we all have different family upbringing, different culture, different religious beliefs, different characters n different life experiences. 2pple coming tgr to form a union is not an easy feat. It takes a lot of effort, mutual respect, understanding, give n take etc.
 

alienwoman

New Member
evon: my bf's parents are jus as impt as my parents. glad u share the same view. i certainly hope me and my possible ils will get along well.

today is my bf's birthday, =) we went out for a nice meal. i have been pondering over the so many opinions suggested on wat to do, i decided to take charge but not by spying on the house. instead, i told him i'll appreciate a ring soon after recent talks on finances and rough plans. he said soon..very very soon, he needs sometime becos he nvr bought a ring so is shopping ard..

i hope it happens...last chance i give with little patience. afterall, i'm lookin for some sort of confirmation of our long run together. the il get-to-know mission i'll stretch to give somemore time, i'll give the old folks their due respect
 

albertri

New Member
alienwoman wish you all the best! and after reading your other post he's one lucky guy for you doing all these things to him and for him
happy.gif
 

albertri

New Member
@ alienwoman

To me if you can take what he is not and can live with it I dont see any problem. The bottom line here is are you happy now with him? and you think you'l be happy in the future wih him with his sortcomings and personal and emotional/mental issue? then I dont really see the problem maybe the problem now is you're ready to settle down and he is still dragging his feet due to his mental barriers etc...
 

albertri

New Member
maybe he is not ready to settle down? anyways you main problem is he is not introducing you to his family... that's the 1st hurdle you two need to over come before you two start planning to get married
happy.gif


No one could help you if your BF is not emotinally and metally prepared to intro you to his parents. Like most ppl who advice you you could do is wait for him to actually do it or take matters to your hands.... your choice Oh 3rd one is time to move on...
 

sand_2011

New Member
@ alienwoman

My encounter was similar to yours. I was into the 5th year of my relationship with my bf, now fiance, when he finally brought me home.

Like you, we had huge fights over this issue and he never wanted to tell me truthfully why he refused to intro me to his parents. At one point, i was even convinced that he is a married man.

One day, after a heated fight and i think I threatened a breakup - he finally came clean. And his reasons were because his parents are people who are difficult to please and have high expectations. Especially his father who is a traditional, arrogant, snobbish man who expects women in the family to treat him like a king. They are not rich by the way.

My bf was afraid that his parents would not like me and he doesn't want to put me through his father's shit.

When I met his father the very first time, i finally know what shit my bf was talking about. My relationship with his father is one word -cold. Because I'm not that kind of xiao nu ren... and well, i can tell he doesn;t like me - he never like anyone anyway. It doesn't really affect My relationship with my bf and we are going stronger than ever.

Anyway this is beside the point. My point is, your bf might have some 难言之éš... So, need to communicate and get him to open up.
 

alienwoman

New Member
Hi All,

Sorry, I went on holiday...anyway, big news

I am engaged. I took the ring on proposal. Have arranged to meet his family some time soon when they are back from holiday. Till then, no wedding preparations first.

After careful thoughts, I have for now disregarded quite a bit of worries on my mind.
Now is to meet the folks, make sure everything is clear before I honor my word to marry him.

I told him not to feel bad that I said yes with half committment because our relationship worked on for 7 years without 50% of what's coming.

I cleared my head and am now moving on as long as he is not married or from some family diff from previously claimed
 

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