My Wife Has Died

[cksgp]

It's really interesting how life changes.
It was 7 years ago when I stumbled upon this forum.
And posted in the Home and Reno
as well as Wedding Preparation topics
(under a different username).
Today, 7 years later, I am posting in another sub-forum altogether.

That's how life is.
Only when it happened to us at a personal level,
will we realize how real these things are.
And only then can we truly feel for
those who are hurting at the same level.

Two weeks back, after a month's of disappearing acts
and coming home late from work,
on a bright sunny Sunday morning
(weather doesn't reflect the heart)
my wife of 7 years suddenly told me that
she is re-considering our marriage.

That was a real shocker to me.
I was totally devastated.
I am a Christian. I hold certain values as sacrosanct.
which include the unbreakable covenant of marriage:

But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.â€
Mark 10: 5 -9

It was a non-negotiable for me as a believer of Christ.
Ultimately, marriage is love by decision for me.
And that decision is to love no matter what happens.
I assume she was a Christian and she held the same beliefs.
We are not young Christians by the way.

I decided to check out this forum again
and was shocked to find the immense hurt
that everybody is going through.
I am still very hurt and has been crying at very odd times
when memories of us being together just take over me.

Despite being a Christian, the pain is very real.
The heart is so painful at times that
you feel like tearing it apart
so that you cannot feel anymore.
but it doesn't happen.
You scream for help and mercy
but an empty reply return.
Nobody knows. Nobody hears.
Your pain is personal.
It is from within.

I asked God why did He allow this thing to happen.
I've always been reading His Word regularly,
a chapter a day, cover to cover.
On that day, it was Ezekiel 24.

Son of man, with one blow I will take away your dearest treasure. Yet you must not show any sorrow at her death. Do not weep; let there be no tears.
Ezekiel 24:16

What happened was God decided to take Ezekiel's wife away from him.
Reason?
So that it will show the Israelites how God will also take away
their dearest treasure because of their disobedience.
It was cruel.
Ezekiel was faithful.
He didn't deserve it at all.
But he did what God told him to.

He preached the message in the morning.
In the evening, his wife died.
He cannot cry or mourn.
Not even a proper burial for his beloved wife.

I cried.
It was such a difficult lesson.
And it was the first.

The first lesson was that
God demands our all, our total trust in Him
that this is in accordance to His will and purpose,
even when the present situation seems in total contradiction
to a God who is perfect love.

Now I am placed on a dark and difficult journey
of discovering what is true love all about.

For those who are also going through this…
here are some very practical advice:

1. Find a friend (same sex) who loves you
and shares the same values as you do
to pray for you and walk this journey together.
It helps really a lot.
Do NOT walk this journey alone.

2. Read the Bible.
God ministers and speaks through His Living Word.

3. Go on the Love Dare.
http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853
A 40-day journey that commands your heart to love,
not by feelings, but by wisdom, thought and decision…
to learn how to love unconditionally.

4. Pray
This is the time to pray like never before.
Pray for strength for the long road ahead.
And pray for your partner.

God bless!
Ezekiel

 

[ariel84]

Take care... there are still a lot of blessings and miracles in store for you.

 

[albertri]

Bro we all goes to certain trials though may not be same as yours but do always remember God wont give you trials that you cant over come. Remember Job when the devil ask God that he was a good follower coz he was blessed so much, God tested him he lost everything including his love one but he still keep the faith and endure, in the end God blessed him 10 folds of what he has before. I'm a christian also but not very good one. But I do like you keeps these Christian beliefs also.

I know God has some special plan for you. Stay the path and continue serving him

God Bless

 

[powder]

maybe too much God killed the marriage.

it's like living with a wife or husband who starts every sentence n makes every reference to "my father says..."

i'd probably reconsider it too. even my sister is kinda overbearing with her constant reference to God.

well that's life isn't it? i doubt God Himself spends that much time making reference to Himself...

perhaps u've been living in your own world for too long and totally detached from reality.

 

[cococherry]

thats maybe e reason why many of my friends and I are deist

 

[miamivice]

She left you because you're boring.

I got bored after the 2nd paragraph. Wassup with all that god shit?

 

[powder]

oh n pls dun take this as bashing, i'm Christian too, but i think some of u dun live your own lives, but simply will everything to God's Will. i'm beginning to wonder why he gave some of u Freewill and able bodies when all u do is talk abt him...

i'm not sure if u really love Him or u really really wanna get to heaven. and i'm also not sure why u are living this life when u dun intend to really live it.

by all means live a Chrsitian life, but dun open and close your motuh with verses from the bible spilling out... i doubt God is very impressed to see that although He has created progression in this world thru Brilliant minds... some of u seem to wanna continue living in BC doctrines n realities.

i have to agree with Utah, prob left u cos u're boring and everything is linked to God... do u even have sex for pleasure and closeness? or isit just some procreating responsibility?

 

[texasholdem]

ck,

u scared no more women left in this world?

 

[alienwoman]

Hey all,
Help, some advice please! I think i may have serious big mental hurdle to cross before settling down.

I've been dating a guy fr a considerable long time (6 yrs). he was intro to my family when i dated him bt he's nvr brought me home. No.. not once in e past 6 yrs, I've nvr seen his place, don't know who his family is nor have i been "open" enough to call his home number.

To me, my bf is just his mobile number n him. Mental struggle to him n me. I'm now hittin my big 30. the pressure of settling down w/o getting due respect frm him n knowin who my future family is daunting. i can't help feeling tt it is humiliating to core. most reading tis might say, i'm dead silly, any girls wld have left. I actually have, but he was indeed a very nice person but shy though. he is always 120% there for me no matter wat happens.

my parents are asking me abt this issue too. I'm very pressurised. His reason he gave is that he has this mental struggle to tell his parents abt his personal issues.

what should i do? i'll becom the incredible hulk when he finally want to bring me home becos he's worried abt how shocked his parents wld be not knowing future d-i-l. I am now feelin vengence in me even if we were to have a wedding. i wld give no shit on his family at all, of course, it'll be a sad wedding...either for them or i stomach n be the most self feel worthless bride ever.

His parents might think i'm real problematic

 

[powder]

if u have not met his family, why paint a picture of the family and their thoughts... when u do not know them and they do not know u? the person whom u should question here would be your bfren, isn't it?

can be many many reasons... and reasons dun have to necessarily be bad...

 

[sgbabydoll]

40 is the new 30. 30 is the new 20. Don't panic even if he is not the right guy. The knot isn't tied yet. Do what you have to do now, that is, evaluate him and the relationship properly. Now is the time, not later.

 

[alienwoman]

we recently discuss abt our wedding, planning out finances when we chat. I think wat i feel is tt i'm embarassed. of course i would respect him as he is respectful of me. however, when feelings are of concern, half the time our tots run while. 6 yrs

 

[alienwoman]

is a long while...to know a guy and get flushed and worried

 

[sgbabydoll]

What is there to be embarrassed about? You should be concerned, not embarrassed.

 

[alienwoman]

so any advice on what i should do?

 

[powder]

tell him u feel like a kept woman, only without the excitement of an illicit affair.

 

[alienwoman]

i try do it later this evening..and "powder".
can i ask for somenmore advice?..pai seh, really need someone to chat and pour my heart to

If he still is shy on the so called "mental barrier" to introduce me to his family now, how should i answer my parents. no one is over bearing here-my parents are jus worried if he was going to take it seriously after seeing my cousin's bf break away from engagement and 10 yr relationship..

 

[powder]

have u met his frens? i mean really close frens etc?

thing is... unless u're the kind who can live in just a 2-person relationship... it's gonna be hard to be in this with him. seriously, just u and him?

u should find out why there is a mental barrier... WHY? due to? becos of?

 

[albertri]

alienwoman, I am puzzled why your BF is hessitant to intro you to his parents I could only see some possible reason.

1. he is Embarrassed of his parents/family. fo what ever reason.

2. I hope he's not embarrassed of you to intro you to his parents though.

3. he's already married

 

[sgbabydoll]

Shy? Secretive or shy?

Does he talk about his family members and friends at all? Or these are taboo topics in your conversations?

 

[alienwoman]

i met his frens when we were in the beginning of the relationship, but i had not tagged alone long since becos it was a all guy meeting. he seldom talks abt his family, mostly on work but he will still tell me about things going on at home if i ask.
he's not married...

 

[alienwoman]

i honestly do not understand my bf's so called "mental barrier". He explains it as awkwardness in telling his family about his personal life.
phew..apart from this hidden flaw or weirdness abt him, i swear he is an upright honest and nice person who is always respectful of others.

at times, it drives me cranky to jus think. whether i stay in the relationship wif him becos he'll make a great husband or leave him on spite of anger due to this.

sob sob

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Alienwoman: Alberti has a point, ur bf may have smthg to hide. U are talking about 6yrs of r/ship n u have nva met his family? Wat about cny or his bd or mothers day or fathers day? Honestly, have u not felt anything fishy about him at all?

Shy pple do not hide things from their family nor feel the need to be secretive about their lives. That is beyond shyness. Dun make excuses for him. I seriously think tat u shd hold the wedding plans till u get tis issue settled. U are saying tat his family does not even know tat he is attached? Family is a part of life tat doesnt change. It is most unusual tat he nva made the effort to introduce u to his family n invite u to join them for dinner and events. U are 30 right? So i'm guessing ur bf shd be 30-35yrs old? For a guy of tat age to spend 6yrs having a mental barrier of sharing his 'personal issues' w his family is ridiculous to say the least. Ask him to come up w a better excuse. But mind u, chances are it will still be an excuse n not a reason.

I dun know if he has smthg to hide like he is married or his dad is disabled or his mum has a mental condition. But in my opinion, I do know tat he doesnt love u n think for u much. Its been 6yrs. Most committed pple wld have invited their gf home within the 1st yr, just to say hi. Furthermore, it takes time for u to build a bond w ur in-laws. U have to remember tat if u do get married, his family becomes half ur family as well. Plus for marriage discussions, both side parents will usually meet for a meal n chat. U dun want tat to be the 1st time u meet his family right? If u have a gd r/ship w ur parents, tell them the truth n i believe they will caution u tat smthg is not right w ur bf.

I sincerely suggest tis n hope u can think abt it privately - if u have his address, buy a small hamper n drop by w/out letting ur bf know prior to tat. If some1 opens the door, intro urself n apologize for the sudden visit. Say tat u were in the area n ur parents advised u to buy smthg for ur future in-laws as a gift. If no1 opens the door, gently knock on the neighbour's door n c if u can get some info abt ur bf's family.

When ur bf questions u about it, explain to him tat u feel bad tat both of u are discussing wedding plans w/out u knowing his family. U can say tat ur parents told u to buy a gift up n u happen to be in the area, so u didnt inform him prior to it. If he reacts normally n apologizes for not introducing u to them earlier, then i think it is gd. If he flares up at u for not respecting him etc, then u shd know tat smthg is really weird w him n chances of him cheating on u or lying to u is super high.

I really hope u can know his true person b4 making the marriage plans. I'm sure u wld want to get his family's blessings. Y wld they bless a stranger? Or maybe their son is already married or has a steady gf whom they know but its not u?

 

[sgbabydoll]

I won't do what Evon has suggested even though the intention was good and you may find out more about his family. You see, it isn't so much about what kind of family he has but what kind of person your bf is being so secretive and private about his family that you should be concerned about.

 

[wat_are_dreamz]

Alienwoman: How do u know tat ur bf is not married? Cos he spends alot of time w u? Cos he has sex w u? Cos he doesnt wear a ring? Or did u check the ROM records? Guys have a v unique frenship n loyalty. I know of guys who know their frens wife n gf. When the fren bring gf to meet them, they just keep quiet n feel tat its not the gal's fault, so they still try to be nice n polite to chat w her. After tat, then they will sit w the fren n try to persuade him to stop the r/ship but if the fren insist, they will just respect.

At the age of 30, u shd be cognitive enough to know tat pple let u c certain sides of them. Dun have to swear abt ur bf being upright n nice to pple. U have nva ever truly seen how he behaves at home w his family. Tat is usually a more real portrayal of one's behaviour. Arent u likdat too? Maybe to strangers u are kind, but to ur family u flare up sometimes or show black face? For all u know, he is nice to strangers cos u are ard but he might be a pervert at work or have a v bad temper n beat his parents at home?

I am not saying tat he is a bad person. But truth is his behaviour is extremely weird. Wat u have seen of him is but wat he has allowed u to c. U can try to chat w his colleagues or close frens or neighbours or family to really c who he is at all times. He tells u wat goes on at home when u ask, but how do u know its real??? I can always tell u tat i stay in a 3storey bungalow, father is MP, mother is a doc, 2 sisters n 3dogs at home. U believe? Dun let love blind ur eyes. Its not true love.

If u do leave him, it shd not be cos of anger but rather tat he is not the right one for u. Maybe cos he cant give u the reassurance n security n honesty tat u want. Nothing to do w anger. U have been dating him for 6yrs n u know zero about his family n frens n colleagues n ex-schmates. Dun throw the remaining 50+yrs of ur future to a man likdat.

 

[alienwoman]

evon, wat ever u said was in my mind..lucky i chose to talk wif u guys in this forum..at least i can assure myself that i was not letting my anger into proper decision making.
I actually am getting so sore tt i won't even dare to marry him. Frankly initially it was worse, thrun conversations, he expected me to stay wif his parents after married. wif some folks i dun even know, then subsequently he gave in to buy a new home for half week stay to not lose me..
I talked to him over the phone over lunch jus now, n i lost control of my anger when he kept sayin sorry. A BIG SLAP ON MY FACE. he's trying to make up for this mistake by being tt 120% bf.
i tried to resolve this by raisin the topic over e past few yrs but am soon givin up,
i don't need his family to approve me but i need this man is dragging me into a beautiful scenic with my heart into a rubbish dump.

Can some man be so insensitive. I'm 28, he's 30

 

[alienwoman]

on a clear mind before my bed time, analysing my situations, thoughts of leaving him do come to me like few times a week.

evon...i don't think i would ever knock on their doors jus like tt....

 

[albertri]

alienwoman

if all means have been exhausted then time for you to move on I am sorry if this sound to easy for us to tell you, after 6yrs with him we know it's hard but it will be harder for you once you two get married and discover things that you should have known long time ago.....

 

[powder]

hmm i'm thinking... the other logical explanation with him being the good guy and all... is that his family could be prominent, thus the secrecy n stuff... ie minister or powerful local person.

 

[alienwoman]

yes, i don't think he'll ever consider how i feel..i'll sort my thoughts out when i am in more control of my own emotions..

~mistake- i was too naive to think tt it will work out, i don't think it ever will

`dissapointment- to come to this - he ranked his own feelings over mine despite me voicing out.

Thank you all for chatting wif me..the struggle i have inside me all this while-pain is intense.

 

[alienwoman]

hahahaha, most likely not.
i'm very sure tt he doesn't come from such family because he has very poor spoken english.
:-O

 

[albertri]

@ alienwoman

in relationship it's always give and take its a two way stream and it wasnt a one way road... if this happening to you as early as now what do you think will happen when you two get married? If you're the only one bending and flexing and he himself just stood there not doing anything then he doesnt care for your feelings at all he just care for his. I may sound harsh but better to realize and see these as early as possible than discover this when you're married with him...

 

[sgbabydoll]

Sounds like this relationship gives you lotsa stress and grief.

 

[alienwoman]

yes stress.
if he is a B**tard, then it's fine becos i'm not the soft soggy type who would die for love. but he is not. i know he will make a good husband except for this worry i have. qn is how true is this part and how it'll impact my life

the qn always in my head -

is it worth is to break becos of this, wat if real reason (even then its hard to stomach) then i'll regret for life- everyone is diff

its hard to rationalise n press red button

 

[amarelli]

alienwoman,

I have been reading this forum for some time, mostly to kill time. But when I saw your problem on this, I had to sign up and register to share my story on it.

My case is similar to yours, just that I am the girlfriend who has the "mental barrier". I truly believe that a person can have this so-called "mental barrier" to tell his/her family about personal issues and it doesn't mean that he/she is not close or does not care about the family. I don't know where does this kind of strange barrier orginated from but it does exist. I reckon for my case, it is from my teenager years when my parents strongly objected me from having a boyfriend. I used to keep it as a top secret and never dare to tell them it. So when I advanced on to my adulthood and of course I am now eligible to have boyfriends, I still can't pluck up the courage to tell them. (although I am sure they will not object as I am already in my 20s, completed my degree and earning a decent income). Part of me thinks that by keeping the relationship a secret, I can have more control over it and not be affected by external factors.

Another reason for me is that I am afraid that my parents do not like him. I am a perfectionist and never wanted my parents to worry about me or to be disppointed in me.

But of course if you plan to spend your life with someone, you have to eventually tell your family about it. CAn't possibly keep this secret forever.

So one fine day, I took the opportunity of a good occasion (CNY) and invited him to my place to introduce him to my parents.(after 3 years) I am glad they do not dislike him and I am now very much relieved. I took me a lot of courage to make this move and it is absolutely necessary if you are serious in this relationship. I am still working very hard on this relationship.

I am also glad that my boyfriend is very understanding. Never once did he pressurize me on this issue.

I suggest you talk to him about it and try to understand the root of his problem. If you love someone, do not give up so easily.

Take care and good luck!

 

[albertri]

@ alienwoman

like what amarelli wrote down she find the courage to intro his BF to her family.... so for her case she's the one who has the problem but she find the courage within to make way for her BF and her family to meet. I do hope he would find that courage also. Try to help him but if he really dont want, you two may need some space and time to think things over.

 

[duckyholic]

if your bf is living in singapore, i really wonder how come you can keep your curiousity about his family for so long>?

if i m you, i would find a chance to peep his home address etc on his IC and pop by c the house by myself even just by standing outside or near the house.... just to c who walk in and walk out from there

another alternative is you can engage a PI to check his background, if you are willing to pay some money .....

is already 6 years ..... i seriously think he take too long to overcome his mental barrier...

he is only making up an excuse to what i can c
woman like to live in self denial .....

 

[alienwoman]

I'm so appreciative for every one's advice. i don't feel so alone and so helpless now.

I know his address,he nvr kept them secret but i was nvr invited back home.

To everyone, i hope u guys don't mind becos i showed him wat was discussed here yesterday to try let him understand tt i'm not pressing him fr selfish reasons but its normal for pple to percieve it a serious problem.

we are hittin 7 yrs soon, in between this period, we broke up once. He kind of like avoided me like a plague, becos he developed phobia of my quarrellin feats on this issue. i kept away,both of us dreaded each other's behaviour but missed each other terribly. i realised my mistake too, felt tt i was very childish, so i took care of him by sendin medication or other items at times by mail w/o name on post.

soon after, we patched up, i tot i'll give some room since i realised he was impt (felt like i lost a fren whom i could talk to- no one cld make the replacement- felt so lost and down).
since, i placed a lot of effort in my work, work has since gone uphill, takin focus away frm relationship. despite tt, as time passed, i started to feel insecure again. to the extent my imagination run wild.

last evening when i spoke to him, i told him tt i felt tt i lost my pride. he sounded very very apologetic. he gave same reason like amarelli (wat he always try to convey) but he is trying very hard to overcome. he said tt i was very impt to him becos he doesn't talk to his family tt much, i'm like his soulmate. i melted inside but still maintained the ugly face. felt the same way too.
presumably, man and woman are diff creatures. Even faced e same situation, man r more objective but ladies even when objective, thinks more. my perimeter of worries widened. from jus being petty, to worrying that if we do ty-e-knot, his family n me wld be uncomfortable.

i had a weird dream last night, very vivid. i was in the train with anor guy, he was holding my hand. I wasn't very happy...

* wat does it mean- on my part, big issue exist and i wish to salvage my confidence in him. to him, he is in a blissful relationship, jus one more itme on list undone.

hard to judge and decide.

unknowingly at times, we develop affections when we get along wif pple. even when we detach from them on objective reasons, we feel a little traumatise.

(", thoughts last night- will i regret losing my soulmate..if he was tellin the truth, i might be pressin a little too hard

 

[alienwoman]

duckyholic, i think 1st 2 yrs i pressed too hard, so i guessed he was a little overwhelmed. later we broke up..
subsequently when we smoothed hard feelings out. we focused on work and were going easy on the relationship.
recently, i felt that we are closer than ever, we are more mature and understand each other's personality more. with all tt surfaced n work achieving stability, i feel that its time tis meet-parent-issue surface again, unless he like to date till late 30s to be married.so i bring up this issue again.

PI doen't seemed to be a good idea. tt resort seemed to lack respect to him, if i feel compelled for PI, i think its time to loose him.

 

[duckyholic]

your reply on make you look like

一个愿打，一个愿挨

so there really isnt much to advise.
you know in your heart what is the problem, if you do not have the courage to see the truth for yourself, no one can help u..

u remind me of a gf whom bf always like yours dun allow her to go to his house and they dated for 7 years. on surface, this bf treated her like princess also, is like a soulmate as well...

this issue bug her and one day she decide to go his house downstairs and wait for him, to c that he came home hugging waist to waist with another woman !!
she was shocked and unbelievable as the bf treated her so well......

if she was willing to find out earlier , her 7 yrs youth wouldnt be wasted.

man r very good at talking such that they can manipulate your feelings in such a way that in the end you may think that its your fault instead of his.....

i feel sorry for you
if you wanna continue live in denial, no one can help you

this man seriously is hiding something and i know u knew it

 

[powder]

end of the day it's whether u can accept or not... what other pple think, should only guide u on the norms or typicals... but u can always have your own set of ideals in any given scenario.

there are things which i follow, some i dun... i'm sure same for u and everyone... be it hobbies, dressing, preferences... that's what makes us unique.

 

[duckyholic]

i wouldnt waste time like you to think and think if i should break up with him or not instead of using the time to find out whats in his house tat he cant let you see..

you should only consider any breakup option after you knew the family cos afterall is almost 7 years reln n you deserve to know whats he so scare about.....

is like , 死，也è¦æ­»å¾—明目

whatever reason, his character has serious flaw.
if his family prove to be very normal and nothing to hide type, then it also show that he is someone that is very insecure and closed heart type since a gf whom he claimed to 'love' dearly, he can tahan to hide from family for almost 7 years !! what does this show??? i can understand if is 1st 2-3 years , but 6-7 years ????????

u realli need to wake up to face the truth

i really hate man that come up with all sorts of reasons or excuses to show their gf

 

[alienwoman]

true,u're so right.
advices aren't necessarily picked up. nontheless, its impt n safer tt pple seek advices to consider other view points. whether controversial or not, at least we don't see n make decisions impulsively.

 

[alienwoman]

duckyholic, i'm not making excuses.
but i put 7 yrs here- almost all my youth le...
i need to round up this stage, positive or negative, properly, so tt i can move on happily. with or without this man.

 

[alienwoman]

sorry duckholic, i missed your earlier posting..
=( your gf must be really hurt.

ya, i must do something..ok..where do i start..shit

 

[alienwoman]

my bf staying in landed ppty..if i stand around, will neighbours look? i find it very diu lian...

 

[duckyholic]

ya,precisely u invested 7 years of youth in this reln, you should not waste time thinking n thinking...... no point since the man is so good at talking, he will only continue to use the 'delay' style to put u off the idea .....

you should action,action,action

he is in sg and this country is so small, how difficult is it for you to pop by his place to see what is happening? it may take a few days but if you try long enuf, u sure know

muster your courage to just go knock his door if there is family inside.....

if he is angry, thats his issue since he caused it. what you asking is just "be fair to me"

if he is angry to break up with you over this, then let him go, he is not worth a minute more of your time....

when one day u find someone that treated you fairly and show u proudly to everyone he know "this is my gf" then u will understand the true released happinness that u gladly deserve

 

[duckyholic]

is even easier that he stay landed property so u can just hide behind a tree/ car opposite the house to see who go in and out there.... after you observe the necessary then u decide if you should go knock door...

ask a fren along, if is someone has a car will be good , u can sit inside n observe

dun just keep on worrying abt neighbours etc....
just concentrate on what you need to do

 

[alienwoman]

wah piang...hahahaha
sorry i'm not laughing at u..laughing at myself
ok i'll try,but first must find fren n sit over this notion over weekend.
cannot go wrong, jus in case he wasn't lying, i'll be really embarassed.
it nvr crossed my mind tt my bf could have tt much to hide.
pain-pain-pain

 

[infojunkie]

some ppl r very gd at compartmentalizing their lives.

to them, love life and family life just dun mix... nothing devious abt it

what u can do is to quietly verify that he's indeed one of those ppl, and just leave it at that... or leave.