My Wife Died and how I long to be Intimate.....

[lhxkel]

My wife died recently from cancer and our marriage was still in a honeymoon period. During our marriage, we had quite a good sex life; being intimate twice a week. When her illness got worse 1.5 months before she died, we couldn't be intimate. During these times when my sexual desire rises, I will snicked off during sleeping hours to look at porn and masturbate to ease off the feeling. Now that she is gone, my sexual desire just keeps rising and yearning to be intimate. I'm not a guy that will resort to prostitution or ONS just to fulfill that pleasure because I feel that when I had sex with my wife, its a combination of the physical attraction and the deep intimate relationship I had with her. Resorting to prostitution and ONS, I feel that the love or the heart to heart level cannot be attained and that makes sex too mechanical; heartless.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do you handle your desires?

 

[ajumma]

I'm not a guy, but I think most guys have that kind of sexual desire and their solution is to DIY? Thank you for sticking by your wife throughout her illness.

 

[simpleman]

The best is to find a girl friend..

Sex is part of what we need but it is not everything. The girl friend will also help to fill the emotional void.

 

[lhxkel]

Thanks ajumma for understanding how a guy functions. If you are married or have a BF, you at least know how he thinks and feels.

Hi sm, my late wife was my best girl friend to me and a loving wife too, so I don't have any other girl friend which I confid to. I confided everything to my late wife. I'm looking forward and opened to having another relationship but I just let nature takes its course.
For now, porn & DIY is my only avenue...

 

[pinktweet]

then i will pity the girl friend .. cos she will be used as a replacement

 

[lhxkel]

Well, it may seem like I'm finding a replacement but I don't think it is gonna be. It will be a replacement if and only if I'm trying to find a new girlfriend that resembles my late wife both emotionally and character wise.
Before my wife left the world, she told me to find my own happiness and not compare this new lady to her.

 

[simpleman]

What is wrong with finding a girl friend after the death of wife? Yes, in a way it is a replacement but again no 2 individuals are the same.. The wife cannot be replaced.. but a new relationship can take place.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Vinnydoo, I can only say that you are not doing something abnormal given the situation.

 

[miloice]

how did u manage your urges all these while before you knew your wife then?

 

[lhxkel]

Hi MiLo. Haha..it is a personal question. Should I answer it??? Well, porn and more porn! haha! Not really that way, more like on & off then I look at them.
You know when you get to taste the really stuff (being able to have sex), it is rather difficult to not think about it. Before marriage, I don't think about it because sexual intercourse was a forbidden fruit to me.

 

[miloice]

well bro, what I'm trying to say is, we manage our sexuality pretty much the same before and after marriage. Doesn't matter whether you had premarital sex or not. You could refrain from sex all those while and still cope with your sexuality right? Why not now? Horny we will get but its manageable till the right one come along again.

 

[powder]

so the bait is out with a fishing line... let's see if any kind soul here will take the bait and soothe your sexual needs...

the classic signs are there, just that it isn't very well put out... i mean u got the bait n the line, but i dun think u can fish very well...

the ingredients all seem a little rushed and too keen to display your goodness but in a rather shallow way...

with the recent passing of a wife, i would think if really needed, u just go back to how u used to cope as a bachelor who doesn't go for ONS nor prostitutes... rather than make out a question to be innocent Knowing full well wat u want is another girl u can be emotionally involved with First, before u do the Jiggy...

if that is so, then u should start dating immediately instead of snookering yourself over here and hoping to hook someone into your bed.

i'm seriously sceptical... u dun sound like u ever got married in the first place. a dead wife is a very convenient way to start..

u should go to the other thread to teach miko how to get over a lost spouse so fast. maybe u can approach her... i think the match may be good in an uncanny way...

 

[watervapour]

Hey, powder u r e first think to think otherwise of this guy!!!!

Maybe he is mighty mouse in another form.

 

[powder]

it's the choice of words and how his love for his dying wife was juxtaposed with his urge for sex... how he talks abt emotional aspects and calls it 'sex'.. i would think 'making love' would have been the more natural words to use. and of cos his wife told him not to compare "this new lady" to her... why use the word "this"?

pple who find sex mechanical would not use the word "heartless"... it's one of those words u use to hook girls cos girls dig this word in the sense that in all my life experience - Guys dun use the word "heartless"... it is a very girl word to use. when a guy use it, it is often to draw in female attention... guys normally use the word 'cruel' for the same description required.

anyway... Advisory is out, so leave to u guys to decide for yourselves.

 

[nichie]

Hello, my dear powder, you sure ‘heartless’ is a girl’s word and ‘cruel’ is for guy, may be I missed watching ‘爱’…I have my doubt but not from the words he use but on the scenario he has written. I was wondering its normal for a person to have his sexual desire risen when his wife is suffering from cancer in pain and dying, he should be very sad, worried and tired taking care of her, does he still has the mood to be sexual arise unless he is indifference to her suffering? Watching porn and masturbate during this time? He mentioned that his wife has just recently died and even he missed the intimacy with her, this should not be the issue he should be worried/missed now especially during this mourning period…we should be able to control our urge and desire…

It is perfectly alright to find another partner after the passing of our spouse but to be overly obsesses and concern about intimacy issue/our sexual needs during her critical period and shortly after her passing, don’t seem to be right to me. I know of this guy who is seem as a very loving husband to his wife of 25 yrs and was very sad and distraught on the passing of her, however, to everyone surprise, he got married again half a year later….ok…you can get marry again…I am not asking you to weep or mourn for 5 years but at least not so soon le…I felt it’s a mockery of the previous 25 yrs of marriage…may be its just me or a woman thingy that at least we want our spouse to really show that they really missed us….

 

[infojunkie]

treat ur loved ones well when they're ard, no point missing them when they're gone cos they won't know...

there's no room for vanity in the afterlife.

 

[miloice]

Outcast, cancer treatment is a long term thing. It would be unreal to think a man would persistently be worried 24/7 till a point of no sexual urges. I really wonder how much do you understand a man's sexuality.

"at least we want our spouse to really show that they really missed us…."
Is there a need to show anything? When people move on doesn't mean that they do not miss their loved ones. Finding happiness again is probably what his wife wants him to do. Love doesn't work with a time table. When a man remarries, the stereo-typing is that he has forgotten his wife of 25 years. Likewise, a widower might remained unmarried for yrs, it doesn't show anything at all. Its frankly silly to place such expectations. People look ahead and move forward. It doesn't mean memories and experiences of the past are not cherished. We do not need to stick with mindsets like mikko weeping of a lost relationship 5 yrs on. Cherishing and grieving are 2 different things. It is unhealthy to grieve beyond a needed period to move on. When I think of my dad, I miss him too. But, I don't cry or feel the need to be miserable. Rather, I look forward to being a father myself. I appreciated that relationship, opportunity and bond I had with my father. And would like very much to share that with my children in future.

 

[miloice]

"there's no room for vanity in the afterlife."

short and straight to the point.

 

[miloice]

"u just go back to how u used to cope as a bachelor who doesn't go for ONS nor prostitutes"

exactly my point. what's the diff? Its just abt coping with one's sexuality, come on. TS isn't a teenager, new and unsure of how to cope.

 

[nichie]

Dear milo
I am referring to the period of 1.5 months before his wife died not from the time she is diagnosed with cancer…I am very doubtful that during that critical period when his wife is dying and suffering in pain, how can he still have the mood to be sexually aroused and watching porn….wouldn’t he felt what she is going through if he love his wife so much…does his brain still have the capacity for such fantasies under such situation unless we are over rating his feeling for his wife.

Yes, I agreed and understand that when people move on doesn't mean that they do not miss their loved ones but to fall in love and get married again only after six months of your spouse passing…personally…I think its kind of ridiculous...how can a person accept and get into a new relationship within such a short time after spending his life and loving a woman for 25 years unless….getting married again after six months means the relationship needs to get serious and mature sometime before that inorder to come to the stage of getting married which means its started may be 1,2 months his wife passing unless they are having an affair way before that…I don’t know…unacceptable to me….. may be some people can get over the grieving and missing phase very fast…like switching a on-off switch…

 

[powder]

outcast, obviously u seem to think i made only 1 point. this contradicts your powers of observation .

 

[miloice]

Outcast, some men can find the time for affairs and sex romp no matter how stressed they can be. One can always find sometime away from all the problems and just wank. Masturbating is a form of stress release too. One might not have the mood for sex but a quick jerk off doesn't require much moods and atmosphere really. It isn't making love to the tissue paper or our own hands. You really don't understand men's sexuality.

 

[thommy]

I agree with powder. Wife just passed away can still think of sex???

 

[miloice]

Hi Outcast, there are alot of unknowns to the outstander. There is nothing acceptable or unacceptable about another person remarrying. The assumption that there muz be an affair. Why such judgements?

There are couples that married after shortly knowing each other. There is no such time frames. Maybe, they were ex lovers and both are once again single? We don't know but are so ready to come with such conclusion over others relationship and marriage. Why is that so? Where is the benefit of the doubt? Do we probe into the affairs to others to validate if we should give them our blessings or condemnations? As long as the individuals are happy, what's the problem?

 

[nichie]

Dear milo

Are you sure this is man’s sexuality? You are confused or is it me that I don’t understand. It will be very disgusting and disappointing if your life partner/parent is dying and suffering but your mind is thinking of sex/intimacy to the extend that you need to masturbate and watch porn to quench the urge at this critical time…. even animal will stay by their dying mate guarding and caring for them…if your mind don’t fantasize or stimulated how can your urge aroused….you can only do that if you don’t give a darn about the person suffering.

Of course there is no problem even if a guy remarries one day after their spouse passed away,however, it goes to show the love that guy has for the deceased spouse. My comments are based on this particular person. For a normal and reasonable person, if your wife of 25 yrs passed away and if you truly love her, you will not get into another relationship and get marry again within such a short time of course UNLESS……in this case even their children are surprised and shocked because they have yet to get over the lost of their mother.

 

[miloice]

Outcast,

very confused meh? We don't masturbate only when there is a need. Playing with our cock don't need so much reasons one. Small kids play with their didi without even knowing sex nor fantasizing much.

This is not to ridicule. You really don't know much about a guy's sexuality.

 

[nichie]

Wah, milo, if you want to bring in small kids playing their didi then I have nothing more to say…ya…may be man will just take out their dick to play once a while when they are bored or stressed….ok…that I really don’t understand….I admit.

 

[pinktweet]

maybe guys used sex as a de-stressing tool? ie. before wife died, he felt stressed and needed sex .. after wife died, he felt sad and stressed and needed sex ??!!

 

[ajumma]

And has the thread starter disappeared? Must really thank powder for his post. It's sad that there are such people around fishing for sex. Gary Ng number 2?

Vinny, you've just accumulated for yourself some really bad karma. Cancer is not a topic meant for joking around with. 人在åšï¼Œå¤©åœ¨çœ‹ã€‚We may not know who you are, but if you are indeed as powder says, you better watch for your comeuppance.

 

[lhxkel]

The female thinks that man thinks of sex 24/7 but I disagree. The urge to have sex comes & goes. If a man loves his wife very much and also loves her body & even when her hair has ALL dropped from chemo, he will wants to spend intimate time with her (She appreciated that I still find her sexually attractive even when her hair has all fallen off). That's me when I'm with her through those treatment times. When she was down and fully dependent on me, I took care of all her needs and not think about sex ONLY. The only thing is what we teasured in being intimate, I can't have it anymore before she left & when she left. When this memory comes, I just yearned to be intimate with her and I know I can't & the desire is high, I DIY.

Although a person's passing is indeed painful and difficult but one cannot fill his or her thoughts 24/7 about the person's passing. Depression & misery will set into the person. People will say, "you cannot let go"
Life has to move on. We cannot bring a dead person back.

Sex is seen as a tool when pure personal sexual pleasure is derived from it; there's no love between the couple.

Some man & woman are born with high sex drive, some isn't. In another post, this woman sex drive was high and her man isn't. She thinks about how to make her man happy when having sex but the man simply just brushed the topic aside and just have sex with her to fulfill some request from her. On the hand, the vice versa can happen.

 

[lhxkel]

Ajumma, thanks for the advice & please don't be presumptuous about my purpose about posting this thread. Anyway, who is so free to joke about and laugh over cancer? I don't think any of the replies were jokes or comics right?

Powder posted:
"so the bait is out with a fishing line... let's see if any kind soul here will take the bait and soothe your sexual needs..."

Powder is suggesting and assuming I'm here to fish and Ajumma, you just read Powder's first line and assumed too that I'm fishing here... Too presuming! See how things get chained up?

NOPE. I'm just trying to see how people handle such situation. One of the advice, control my desire just like when I was a bachelor. That's good advice from MiLo & powder..ironically.

 

[ajumma]

Vinny,

Sorry if I have been presumptuous. I can't help agreeing with powder when all your posts are about sex and nothing but sex. By the way, what kind of cancer did your wife have?

 

[lhxkel]

The topic is focused on sex because my thread was so short and all the presumption was built upon the unknown and I'm focusing on the man's sexual needs. I wish to keep her cancer private. Thanks!

 

[ajumma]

Err.. ok. Then actually your problem is solved, because you already know the answer is DIY.

 

[miloice]

Outcast, all these disgust about DIY during his wife illness etc. I'm telling you straight jerking it off is really quick and simple. Its one toy all men are born with. Don't need to think too much over DIY. People do masturbate out of boredom to kill time or anything.

 

[miloice]

Vinnydoo, man's sexual needs doesn't change suddenly after the 1st intercourse. You still cope with it and get on with life. So, what's with this thread?

 

[lhxkel]

For people who has gone through similar situation as me to share it here. Not restricted to guys only because as I said, high sex drive doesn't occur in guys only.

 

[powder]

dude, the answer can only be one rite? since u need to be emotionally involved with a person before u can have 'sex' with her... and u have sexual urges... and u not into ONS or prostitutes...

i mean, isn't masturbation like the ONLY thing under the abv circumstances?

sex and sexual urges didn't just appear in your life... all these while as a bachelor and later on with your wife... Based on YOUR restrictions and criteria... only 1 thing u CAN do...

so that's the fishy part isn't it?

so the fishing bait is probably waiting for someone to kindly suggest helping u get your rocks off by being emotionally involved with u... cos if they dun get emotionally involved with u... u Won't have sex with them.

so it's either u carry on masturbating to porn...

or someone here offers u some emotional aid + sexual relief after the initial emotional ice-breaking.

Is there any other way?

if this isn't an entrapment... what is?

 

[miloice]

let's respect his wish.... Ladies, please don't even reply to him. He wish to talk to widowers only. But, somehow in a sggrides forum. lolz.

 

[clark]

only persons who have a fat, ugly and have overaged ass can reply (see above)

 

[dracano]

I certainly don't trust this TS. I'm highly skeptical as some of you are.