My situation

[potatochip]

My wife and I had been married for and is together for a total of 8 yrs we are both still in our early 20sDuring our relationship, I must admit that most of the small things, she had been accomodating me and I all the while thinks that by doing a few great things for and and making a few great sacrifices for her would beat doing alot of small things and sacrifices, however now I realised that it is wrong
Just last monday we had a huge quarrel and managed to work things out on wed and then we had sort of a make up sex but we quarrelled again on thursday and this time she just left the house. Me being too egoistic just allowed her to leave and did not even bother to talk to her when she came back. As such she decided to go to her parents place to stay on Friday.

On Friday, i called her telling her that I am going to look for her and she asked me not to saying that she does not want to see me and what we had very long conversation

She told me that she had lost the feelings that she had before when she was with me and the time that we had sex on wed after the quarrel she said that the feeling while having sex is also different, she said that the feeling is no longer there. After a few hours of talking, we finally met up together with her and her father, she reluctantly told her father that she will came home with me. We stayed at the void deck of our house to talk things out. our conversation was about the things that I did to cause her to feel that she had been giving in and that I do not give her any attention anymore and that this relationship is not the same anymore. She also mentioned about staying away from each other in the mean time to let her decide if she willl really be happy if she is no longer with me. Our conversation lasted until 5 in the morning and I then managed to convince her to come back home as it is late and told her that she can decide to go back to stay with her parents if she decide to the next day.

I realised that I had stopped doing all the sweet things that I did for her last time and these had build up over time resulting in our marriage to be on the rocks. I knoe that inside me I still love and care for and and I did explained to her that maybe I did not express my love and care for her in the way that she is able to feel it. The next day when she woke up, she is still convinced that she wants to be separated after a long heart to heart talk. As such i got no choice but to relent and she left for work. Her idea is that she will live away from me and in the mean time, we still can meet up and talk over the phone remaining in contact. She said that she need this time to see if she is able to find back the feeling she lost. I she is able to find back th feeling and we are able to work things out, we will be together again. We kept on smsing each other while she is at work and I must admit that I am crushed due to the incident facing something something that might lead to a divorce as deep down I know that I still love her alot

She told me that she feels that she had been giving in all the while and that I only take. She told me that I only wanted my way and she always have to accomodate to wat I want.She also told me that she do not love me anymore and she feels that she will be happier if she is alone. After hearing all these, I realised that me being the typical man had been doing alot of things that caused her to feel this way and I also told her that I am willing to change. In the end we agreed to go out after her work and she agreed to come back home and stay. During her stay, I did all the little ltittle things that I had ever done for her before but stopped doing and she told me that she feels that I am doing all these because I do not want her to leave.

we did have sex after she came back however while having sex, there is something that kept on holding me back as I am afraid that she will still feel that it is not the same which turns out to be true then the topic of living apart came back again. She told me that although the feeling that she will be happier without me had fade away, it is still there and that she is scared that this feeling will always be there and in the future, if we were to quarrel again, she the feeling will emerge again. She expressed that part of her wish to try to live apart to see if she will really be happier but another part of her is afraid that if she were to leave, she is afraid that if she were to decide to come back together, I will not want. She also said that now she is afraid to commit too much into this relationship as she had been hurt deeply and she will not devote herself to me at this moment. I did told her that I will be willing to change and make her feel as loved as before however she said that she need time. She also did mentioned that maybe this is normal as we had been together for very long and that it could be the time when we need to have a kid to rekindle the love in another way, however I opposed to this as I feel that if it is because of the kid that is why we are being together, it is not the right way. She also agreed saying that she also do not want to have a kid now compared to prevously when she kept on asking us to have a kid while I asked her to wait til our financial power become more stable

The things going on in my mind is does she still love me? Can we be back together again just like the last time? Will I be able to make her feel happy being in this relationship again or things will never be the same? What does it means that the feeling while having sex is different, wat causes the feeling to be different, and will having sex ever be the same again?(maybe someone who had felt this way before can shine some light and share his/her experience) Is it really true that this happens in all relationship and having a kid will rekindle the love?(if so dun it means that you are together just because of the kid and not because u wan to be together?) Am I doing too much or trying too hard that caused her to feel that I am now doing all this juz on the surface and not from my heart?

I really am very confused and need help anyone please share your point of view

 

[lyndy]

"She also said that now she is afraid to commit too much into this relationship as she had been hurt deeply and she will not devote herself to me at this moment. I did told her that I will be willing to change and make her feel as loved as before however she said that she need time. "

You didn't exactly specify what you did that hurt her. How to comment?

Dont quite agree that love fades with time.

Have been together with my husband for 10 yrs, married for 4yrs. Also in 20s. He just hit 30.
At the beginning of our r/s, we had no common interests and along the way, we kept asking each other how come our r/s could last for so long.

So we made an effort to develop common interests together, like scuba diving, rock climbing, travelling. I guess, along the way, that has strengthened our bond.

We have had our share of tiffs but havn't had any major quarrels, so sometimes, i actually do have doubts if what we have is 'real'. Or rather, i feel my r/s with him has not been put to the test. And that in a way has resulted in some insecurity on my part. But i've managed to deal with that.

And yes, I think having kids would be a healthy progression because, the bond would be strengthened even further.

However, i think before the kids come, the foundation bricks must have been properly laid 1st else, having kids will only magnify the cracks.

 

[potatochip]

You didn't exactly specify what you did that hurt her. How to comment?

She told me that is something that had already build up through time, it is affected by the little little things that i had not been paying attention to, mot giving her enough attention, when she is talking to me although i am listening, but i am not looking at her and when she told me she felt empty inside her heart, i did not really took the time to really listen and just brush it off as i really did not sense that something is beginning to build up inside her. she also said that wheneer i tell her that i do not like her to do somthing, she will control herself and stop doing all those things because she has the fear of me getting angry. when i am angry, i just will give a attitude and give one straight face and she says that she abstain from all the things because of all the fear and she is afraid of me being angry more than anything else. all these caused her to feel that in this relationship, she had been sacrificed and giving alot to me but in the end she feel that i dun love her due to wat i had done and she is hurting alot fearing to devote herself to me again as she do not want to feel the hurt again.

we had been together since 14yrs old and all the while form then til now she did not have the total freedom of being able to do wat she likes and experience life as a real person without commitment before we signed and committed to each other
could it be really time that i let her go so that she could go out and experience the life the she had not went through since we had been together? i noe tat this could lead me to lose her forever as she may never come back again but i do not want her to regret living a life without all those freedom that other young adults had before getting committed, even the thought of her going on with her life without me and me having to go through m life without her is enough to cause my heart to ache the way i had ever ached before but it could be good for her.
the hardest decision could be the best decision but i will not be able to bear the pain? really confused now

 

[advisor00]

Hello potatochip

Your relationship with your wife is shallow and immature and this is to both of you.

It is almost based on sex here and sex there.

If you can survive past another 5 years and still maintain a good realationship , not based on sex then I'll consider this as a form of a miracle.

But miracle never ever happnes, so what is your take from what I've said?

 

[powderful07]

kengleetan,

Here's what I have to say about your take...

That you only addressed one very small portion of what potatochip is hoping to get an answer from the issues that he's facing...
Pardon me if I'm wrong...but "sex" is only a small portion of the issue on hand; but yet you seems to have the idea that sex is the MAIN issue here...

So what's your take on what I say about what you have said?

I say you gave bad advice...

 

[simpleman]

potato,

I think that things are not looking good but you shouldn't make it worse.

It is a very delicate line you have to tread.

apparently, she wanted some space and time and you should give it to her. On the other hand, you cannot just disappear, you still have to be in close contact and keep it going - only thing to remember is to give her some space & time.

It will not be easy but if there is a chance, you have to take it and not rush things nor force issues...

Be as nice as you could possibly can.. and let her enjoy and feel your love.. she may decide something in your favor.

As for SEX just go with the flow..

 

[findingnemo]

Dear Potatochip,

Both of you know each other for 8 yrs since 14 year old. Assuming that you are each others’ first, that is quite a long time and in fact achievement. You stuck together through your teens when many teens are experimenting with puppy love and changing bf/gf. Your r/s has come to a stage which became stale and unexciting. To add on to the staleness, you have stopped doing all those sweet little things during courtship and early part of the r/s. To most women, these sweet little things are very important, regardless of the length of r/s. To let your plant grow well, you must give it varying degree of sunshine, water and fertilizer.

Both of you are now just in your early 20s. At work, your wife (and so do you) may meet lots of different and sometimes interesting people at work. She may come across many types of guys. Some may be may be handsome, some not so handsome, sweet-tongued, others suave, etc. She may have female colleagues who talk about how great their bf/hbs are and subconsciously, she may compare and that made her realize that her r/s with you has become very dull and nothing to talk about.

For every r/s, there are bound to be ups and downs. The honeymoon stage will not last forever. There will tend to be a cooling off stage after the sparks are gone. That is not to say all r/s will be doomed to fail. There are many long lasting marriages around. A couple must recognize and accept that such changes in a r/s is normal. Communications is thus very important. Couples must continue to talk/chit chat with each other to stay connected. Usually, in a long lasting r/s, couples have evolved from being lovers to each others’ best friends. I think for your case, the situation is not really that bad yet since no 3rd party is involved. Depending on what action you take, your marriage may survive this stage.

All women like attention and the feeling of being pampered. Perhaps you should woo her again. If she wants to go back to her parents in the short term, please let her go. If she doesn’t want to see you for the time being, then just let her be. But stay connected. Call her everyday (but do not pester her with many calls) for a short chat and concerned words eg: ask her whether she has eaten, etc. SMS her sweet nothings. Give her space. Surprise her with small gifts or cards. Ask her for dates. Do not ask for sex for the time being. The idea is to create fresh feelings again so that when she “accepts” you again, everything will fall back into place.

I wish you good luck.

 

[potatochip]

Nemo

I totally understand and know what you are trying to say. I know that if she want some time alone and staying away from me, i must give her and I am prepared to give them to her.

Last night the we had another long conversation and I told her that if she really want to live apart i will support her i must admit that tears well up my eyes while i was saying such thing. she then told me that she do not know what she wants now and she is still staying with me.

I somehow feel that she had been doing things and making decision base on me and not taking into consideration what she really wants. i love her and i want her to be happy. i feel that if she were to stay apart for awhile she will be happier but i cannot bear to ask her to leave but she also did not make any decision as of now if she were to make a decision to stay separated for awhile i will respect that and let her do it, if she were to tell me that she wants to continue staying with me, i am afraid that she stayed is because she do not want me to be sad but not because she really want it.
I do not know if i should just ask her to leave or continue to wait for her to come to a decision...

 

[miloice]

when she asks for the space. Give it to her. Assure her that you are doing so not because you believe and agree with what she thinks but because you respect her feelings enough.

In any relationship, one would need to learn to live with disagreements. There is no need for couples to agree in everything. Neither do u need to fight or sacrifice. Instead, work on the constant feedback and simply work out of solutions that take inconsideration of both your priorities. She doesn't really need a yes man or someone to go all out to give in to her. All she need is to feel respected enough... that you sincerely consider her pov and priorities even if you might not completely agree or understand her. Actually, all the long talks that you guys are doing, should have been done through all these yrs.

What you can do now is be supportive. You need her to gain back the confidence and belief in the relationship itself.

About giving her gifts etc, it can also add to pressure her. So, u gotta be careful. If you know her friends, it might be more useful. The 'trick' is to be around only at the right time. i.e. being physically away but yet aware of her well being. If luck is on your side and you get to be around and supportive when she needed it, it will work wonders. It worked for me. Wish u luck.

 

[potatochip]

Miloice

from what u said did u experienced what i am experiencing now?

dun mind share the experience? i really wish for things to work out and i hope that your experience could help me also...thanks in advance

 

[miloice]

not really the same lah ... we were dating then. From personal experience, the more you try to talk and convince her to reconsider, the more they will resist it. I guess its human nature and your persistence will only cause more friction and unhappiness.

If you think of it logically, its really natural psychological behavior.

u have to be really lucky loh. cos if someone is certain in breaking up, u cannot force her to reverse her thinking. You can only be watchful and grab the opportunity if it comes. If it doesn't, its expected.

 

[potatochip]

ya what u say make sense i think now what i can do is just to wait and see how things goes. and of course be more sensitive and show my care more lor

 

[tinkybell]

potatochip, i think i can understand and feel the hurt of neglect and no attention that your wife is getting from you.

As you mentioned that it have build-up over time and she is giving in to you most of the time, i believe she have felt sense of insecurity long time ago but keep mute hoping you will change.

i know how sad this can be and how much running away can lessen the pain cos i am somewhat in this situation now.

maybe I am not in the best situation to comment but I strongly believe that healing her heart and giving her assurance is so much more important that the sex and difference feelings that you are trying to figure out.

maybe you can start from the very basic like giving her more attention and care, spend more time with her, do things together. let her feel that you care and love her, talking is not any assurance to a girl.

all the best to you and hope you work hard to touch your wife again.

 

[potatochip]

tinkybell

i understand and i am now trying to see what can be done to savage the situation hopefully things will turn out well.

you sound troubled maybe you would like to share your troubles here? i may not be able to give any advice but am willing to listen/read(tried to search for any thread posted by you but do not know how to)

 

[tinkybell]

potatochip, proud of you of wanting to seek help to improve your marriage. you have make a big step forward.

I am trying to cope with things on my side... just hope things improve...

 

[potatochip]

thanks things seems to be have improved on my side and i believed i had learnt and am still learning how to respect and love. i also sincerely hope that things werk out on your side too good luck

 

[miloice]

hi bro,
u have the good attitude towards it. Keep it up. Only this way, can you let her regain that confidence in the marriage.

 

[tinkybell]

potatochip, I am so happy for you that things are improving..

Thanks for your well wishes, I hope things goes well for me too... but I guess my case might be slightly more tricky...

 

[potatochip]

milo
thanks

tinkybell
thank u too just remember if u wan to share i will be reading just like i had mentioned in my prevous post...

 

[potatochip]

its over already the both of us tried hard however things still do not work out we did not quarrel or fight this week however my wife told me that she dun feel the same anymore even though she can see the change in me.
we are going to be separated first before proceeding for the legal way. to those that wished me luck and stuff, i sincerely thank u however i guess luck is more than wat i need

 

[saggitarian]

Nothing conludes when the signature haven pen down.

maybe of a kind good heart. do a photo album for her. with photos and small notes on each incident jus for the last present.

even if it doesnt ends well, its gd to see and for once recollect and tell each other about the gd happy memories 2 person have for each other.

next time dun flare up .. do more letter writing .. although it seems corny.. sometimes writing a letter saying how much someone means to you and 10 things of what the other habits are.. actually mean a lot of a ger.

next time write letters too if u are piss by somethings if u are those who have emotional burstup one. saying today i feel angry because.... i feel that you should have consider my feelings because...... dun point fingers bacause at the end of the day. each actions only means well for the other.

 

[koikoi]

potatochips,

I feel that you have only tried for 2 weeks only, and so fast both of you conclude to end it? ask for sometime... give her tme to cool down first... let her sense your presence but dun stress her...

 

[noknok]

Have both of you tried marriage counselling?? Sounds like neither party is certain that you want to end the marriage. Maybe all it needs is someone to tell the both of you together from an outsider point of view.

Marriage is a big thing that both parties agree to share their rest of their life together. Your wife had already committed to the relationship when you got married. I doubt any old married couples will say marriage is easy, it takes hard work to stay together. The feeling of love will change. From romantic kind of love to family love. In my point of view, marriage shouldn't be something that can be undone by another divorce paper. Marriage should last a lifetime

Potatochips, since you still love her and from what you said, her feelings for you dun appear to be totally gone. Maybe you can suggest to her to see a counsellor. Just to get a different perspective. Good luck.

 

[potatochip]

marriage counselling...i dun mind going there but u see now the problem is not kept between the 2 of us our oarent know about it and her father did tried to talk to her about it and ask her to think it through. i spoke to her from the bottom of my heart and she can tell me that she did not think about wat i said and she juz listen

she had not come back since monday and monday 7pm is the last time i saw her til now. tuesday she told me that she is coming back home and i waited for her she is out with her friends and i gave her the time and not call her or msg her but in the end..she called me at 10+ and tell me she is not coming back. it is ok for not coming back but dun give me the hope of seeing u and then shatter the hope. juz now she said that she is coming back also and she also had been out with her friends the whole day but i believe that she will not be back tonight.
she told me that she dun want to hurt me then on the other hand tell me that she dun love me anymore and she know it because now she did not think of me when she wake up and tell me how she go out with her friends and what they did and how she really felt happy. den by saying all these she is not hurting me?
i am confused, she asked me to move on to find another gf to make things easier for the both of us she say that if i were to find another gf she will feel better knowing that i had moved on. i actually had gathered my courage to embrace the worse to come then she start to come and say hurting stuff. i then told her that she now knows the reason why she want to separate, it is not because of the fear of being hurt but because she dun love me cos she told me herself and she said there could be another cause for her not to love me and she then said that she does not have any faith in me. what followed was the whole afternoon of her coldness towards me.
i am confused, if she really juz want to feel better to leave me i will do it i will give the impression of being moved on and be really happy by going out every night, but a part of me is tinking if she is juz throwing tantrum, then i were to start to go and drown my sorrows and not stay at home giving her the mindset that i am happier without her then we were to really divorce, then it would be a misunderstanding that cause all these. i really dunno wat she wants if i know i will really react accordingly as i am really feeling miserable now waiting for her call waiting for her to come home and to be disappointed.

 

[simpleman]

potatochip,

From what I can see.. it is all over between you two. Don't torture yourself lah to continue to wait for her..

Don't have to take every word of her literally.. the words said are meaningless.. just look for the action .. that she prefers to be out then going home.. it is very obvious..

You can wait and hope.. but it is pointless..

I hope you can see it for yourself. You can choose not to be miserable..

 

[andee]

hi... give her her space but if you really still love her, show her relentlessly but not pushing.

my bf is just like you (apart from the experience part n the relentless never give up love attitude) and we just hit the deep pit rough patch... but wad milo said (sorry for going back so far front), "From personal experience, the more you try to talk and convince her to reconsider, the more they will resist it. I guess its human nature and your persistence will only cause more friction and unhappiness."
it's really true. he said i pushed him too far n he needed space.
i've cried my ball eyes out n vented all my temper alone n he will never know n understand so i am walking away because it hurts too much.

as long as in your heart you noe you love her then again n again. I believe the happily married couples here try many times relentlessly to make it work. But if she really makes up her mind to leave, maybe tt's the only best way for the both of you to be happy eventually. it may not seem so now, but time will show.

sorry. just pouring cos i am feeling what you were feeling and perhaps still feeling and just wanna offer my tiny two cents worth.

 

[potatochip]

ya i know...now she juz needs me to move on so that she can leave in peace. I will be showing that i had moved on already so that she can go.

 

[potatochip]

been quite awhile since i posted here, these few days alot tings had happened. we juz went for our HDB first appointment and things were going ok when suddenly she met me one day. we actually had plans to go out but suddenly she told me that she dun feel like going out and she juz wants to stay at home. the next day she told me she is going out and that she can choose to ake public transport or to ask another guy to fetch her. i then told her that i will uneasy but the choice is hers. she then told me that it have to let go and not to feel uneasy i then told her that if she were to tell me things like this and i dun feel anything, means i dun love her anymore and asked if this is wat she really wants. she did not reply and i called her. in the end she chose to take public transport and she told me that she dun want to contact me for the time being. i then felt that since everything i do also wrong i told her ok and i hung up the phone. i decided to give up and started to clear everything and stopped all relation with her and i even cleared the marriage status i had with her in facebook. we did not contact for the next 2 days.

then i decided to sms her on thursday and this is wat i typed
"i told myself not to call or sms u but i do not know why i am still typing this msg to u but if u still prefer not to contact me then dun reply" her reply was "i feel that it is impossible between us...really impossible we can only be friends. i feel that at the current moment u cannot control your emotions and it is better if we dun contact unneccessarily". i then replied " from the moment i hung up the phone i had given up...i also feel that it is impossible between us to be together anymore maybe i still regard u as a good fren ba" and this is her reply "ok that is good u go rest ba bye bye". i then told her that i will be calling her again the next day as we still have some matters left dangling and she juz replied ok. the next day i called her and she sounded unhappy and after settling the important stuff i asked her wat she is doing all and she said that she has nothing to say. i told her that we can still be frens and she said she agree but not at this moment. as she is shifting into our new house once we get the keys, i told her that this weekend i will be free to help her and she said dun want she want to do it one shot. i then told her that she has alot of things to bring over and it is impossible to do the packing and moving in one day and i offered to help her pack, she then said she will liase with me again and that is the last time we spoke.

I am confused, when i told her that i had given up her reply does not sound happy. if this is really wat she wanted then she should be relieved and her reply should not be as such. i dun want this to end with both of us thinking that the other party wants to give up. i really dun know wat she is tinking. when we spoke she will keep saying divorce and that we can never be together. but when i told her that i had given up, she does not sound happy (at least i dun think she sound happy). I am waiting to see if she will call me to make arrangement to help her pack her stuff as we should be getting the keys by monday or tuesday, but til now there is still no call. I had made up my mind not to call or sms her anymore but wat is stopping me is her reply when i told her i had given up which starts me thinking if this is really wat she wants...had been confused for so long.

 

[powder]

try not to read too much and just follow where this takes u... it's already proven that both of u aren't good communicating, i dun think u should second-guess.. has it crossed yoru mind that she has met another guy liao?

 

[potatochip]

another guy. before things turn to this extend she did emphasis to me that this is not because of another guy and i choose to believe her even til now. been waiting and hoping that she will call or sms me but so far no news. somehow or rather now i feel that she really does not bother about me and care about this relationship anymore. follow this and see where it takes me will only mean living separately and never be able to make it back together anymore. i told myself to let go and forget about it but it is not as easy as it seems to be. although i already told her that i had given up and stuff, i really cannot let go. even when i told her that. she also showed no signs of savaging this and instead the situation turns for the worst. haiz. she dun care about me and this relationship at all from wat i can see.

 

[powder]

i can see that too... she's probably doing more thinking than u at this point and really exploring the whole marriage, and realising that it will have the same eventuality. i guess she may be confronting herself more honestly and seriously now, than to let things go on bitterly just to fulfill a marriage both of u may be ill-prepared to take on.

what we want in life, is often an alteration or compromise... u gotta learn to see the positives in this. it may signal the end of your marriage, but i dun think it should close the door on u... if the marriage isn't gonna work out, dun force it.

 

[caramel_bath]

Potato,
yr words below paragraph jumped out at me. Of course relationships cannot stay the same anymore, it progresses into something deeper beyond the superficial sweet nothings that a guy say or do to get the girl. Does your partner expect you guys to be in courtship stage permanently?

My view: you need to be very honest with yr partner & be frank abt the amount of "attention" u can give her in long term to manage her expectations, lest this issue comes up again in future quarrels.

"our conversation was about the things that I did to cause her to feel that she had been giving in and that I do not give her any attention anymore and that this relationship is not the same anymore."

 

[tammyl]

You obviously still love her, so why do you say things like "i ALSO feel that it is impossible between us to be together anymore"? It is not impossible until BOTH of you DON'T want this to work anymore. Are you playing mind games? Is it because you don't want her to know that you're hurt?

Your wife, seems to me, to be playing mind games as well. Well, she's at least confused. For one, why does she need to tell you that she's either going to take public transport or get "another GUY" to fetch her? What was her agenda in telling you? Is she trying to solicit jealous responses from you to gauge how much you still care for her?

Quit playing mind games and be truthful to each other. A marriage is at stake. Tell her you still love her and want to make this work. Tell her you want to change because you love her and cherish this marriage.

I don't understand why marriage counseling is not a viable option just because her father knows about the situation between the 2 of you.

Regardless, give yourselves at least a longer timeline. It seems to me that everything (the separation) has happened so quickly and no proper "cooling" period was given to either party. It has been a little less than a month since the "crack" surfaced. Surely there's more to be done before throwing in the towel!

 

[powder]

tammy,

perhaps tat's cos u believe more in the marriage than the pple in it...

perhaps tat's cos u believe just cos 2 pple love or have loved each other at one point, they ought to keep trying to be together...

perhaps tat's cos u believe love requires possession even if lifestyle dun match...

perhaps it was a mismatch even if both are in love...

i have loved, sometimes more than one concurrently, and come to realise in life, that loving a person and living with that same person can be totally different aspects...

 

[miko2006]

Hi Powder,

Very profound...

The moment I can find your answer to -
loving a person and living with that same person can be totally different aspects.....

When you love someone of course you wish to live with him...

You can live with that someone BUT he is not your most love???

WHEN i can accept that, I know it will be 1 of my BIGGEST STEP in moving on

 

[potatochip]

today i went to facebook and found that an unknown person had private message me telling me that she is seeing another guy now. I then called and asked her telling her about the message and saying that i want to clarify matters with her. She then said yes and that it happened just a few days ago. Just as i had decided to fight for my love this news came and shatter my will. People who knows me know that this is something i cannot accept and i am sure she knows it too that once i were to find out it will be the point of no return. the moment she said yes to the other guy marks the moment. i cannot let go but this is too much. I am willing to change for her to try my best to give her wat she wants and try to accept her in almost everything that she wishes to do but there is always a limit and it just reached my limit. this time is really ended 020900-131208

 

[powder]

miko,

i never believed in possessing someone i love... even til this day, i dun believe that i possess my wife. i love my wife and she is my life partner. she is not 1st, nor 2nd, nor 3rd... there are no placings as far as i have lived life.

my Exes, my frens, my family... i love all of them. i made my choice in life to live with my frens, wife and mum. and recently, my little girl... there are no winners nor losers, no-one should choose nor be made to choose Placings.

there are many pple i love who are no longer in my life, but remain in my heart... dad, childhood buddy who died... ex-gfrens whom i can't share a life with who have gone on and become wives/mothers... Possession is unimportant when u see that Love does not require physical presence... just look at religion, many pple love their respective Gods and are inspired to live great lives, climb mountains... but has their Gods ever physically come down to pat them on the shoulder? it's a belief, it's a feeling tat u carry with u... u dun need anything more.

 

[miko2006]

Someday...I will reply to you, or just in my heart said thank you...Finally i get the answer

 

[powder]

just live in happiness... it's all within ourselves...

 

[clipperjunk]

i believe the person who sent you the email was your own wife, clearly she wants out...if you believe your own self worth then you should just let go and embrace something or someone more worthwhile...

 

[potatochip]

who ever sent the message does not matter anymore, but it is not her cos she is shocked that i found out and according to her she only wants to let me know after the second HDB appointment. I have to hear this from a third party and really this is way beyond my limit. i plan to annul the marriage already as we ROM less den 3 yrs, will be looking for a lawyer, actually got one already, but will be sourcing for more. Anyone have good lawyer to recommend? pls post the contact details and the price thanks

 

[honeygreentea]

Thought can file for annulment if less than 1 year? What ground will you be filing under?

 

[kickapoo]

Potatochip: Really feel sorry for you. I can say i am same like you, she had crossed the limit. And i think this will more you stronger to face anything le. Takecare

 

[never_the_same]

Hey potatochip and Kickapoo, when you mentioned your wife crossed the limits, does it mean there is really no more room for her in your heart anymore? but what if she comes back to you? Will you be softhearted again? Or will you stand by your decision and go ahead with the divorce? no regrets?

 

[tammyl]

powder, please don't tell me what I believe or do not believe.

"perhaps tat's cos u believe more in the marriage than the pple in it..."
perhaps. but does that justify playing mind games with each other simply because they don't "believe" in the marriage, whatever that means? say they really don't take it as seriously as i do, so it's alright to treat it with no respect? less than a month since they've been apart they should throw words like "divorce" around?

"perhaps tat's cos u believe just cos 2 pple love or have loved each other at one point, they ought to keep trying to be together..."
if somewhere within them they WANT to be together (as evident from their mind games), what's wrong with trying to be together? why should he give up without even trying, without being truthful to his wife?

"perhaps tat's cos u believe love requires possession even if lifestyle dun match..."
ermm seriously how did you infer that? in fact, a marriage has nothing to do with possession; when i encouraged potatochip to fight for his marriage, i never saw it as encouragement to "re-possess" his wife! a marriage is about how 2 persons came together and promised each other to be together through thick and thin. and the beautiful reason they did that is love. if there was even a glimmer of hope that they may keep that promise, why should they not try. they were together for 8 years, and ALL OF A SUDDEN their "lifestyle dun match"? you think so? how well do you know potatochip and his wife to make those comments ("it may signal the end of your marriage"), give those advice ("if the marriage isn't gonna work out, dun force it")??

seriously, some of you should really think twice about giving advice. the laissez-faire way in which some of you dish out "wisdom" (OMG, the irony!) is disgusting.


potatochip,

all i was trying to say is, have no regrets. if you think you've done all that you can possibly do to salvage your marriage, i'm sorry it didn't work, and i wish you all the best. you don't have to forget her, you don't even have to stop loving her. just learn to love yourself, and live.

 

[saggitarian]

urm tammy .. if you take sentence by sentence to pin point .. sometimes it may seem logical .. but sometimes sentences doesnt really relate to you for the same type of emotions and feelings when one doesnt encounter such situation .

give u an example .. u say powder believe love requre possession so you shoot him with one paragraph on your ideas .. but .. take note ..

"i never believed in possessing someone i love... even til this day, i dun believe that i possess my wife. i love my wife and she is my life partner. she is not 1st, nor 2nd, nor 3rd... there are no placings as far as i have lived life. "

that was his next post .. =) i hope u get what i mean ..

 

[powder]

hi tammy,

"please don't tell me what I believe or do not believe."

- Why? sometimes it's important to know Why pple say certain things and give certain advice. i felt tat u were telling him something Which for some reason, u Personally wanted to believe in But might not be entirely relevant Nor suitable as a way to go...

i'm saying that u were more mindful in your beliefs, than in his circumstances. it was something u Wanted very much to believe in. Think abt it... anyway i was mindful in using "perhaps" when i addressed u.

some things u've gotta read between the lines... we should not clutter our advice with our beliefs, but we can Share our beliefs. i use words like "personally" and "i" when i share my beliefs. we should not fire-fight just becos we love fire-fighting...

i dropped a hint to him earlier - "has it crossed your mind that she has met another guy liao?"...

"a marriage is about how 2 persons came together and promised each other to be together through thick and thin. and the beautiful reason they did that is love. if there was even a glimmer of hope that they may keep that promise, why should they not try. they were together for 8 years, and ALL OF A SUDDEN their "lifestyle dun match"? you think so? how well do you know potatochip and his wife to make those comments ("it may signal the end of your marriage"), give those advice ("if the marriage isn't gonna work out, dun force it")??"
- i dun know him and his wife. u know them? thing is, what u've said is nice and dandy and politically-correct. very pleasing for listeners and nice to hear. But isit relevant to the circumstances of the case?

funny that u commented on the dishing out of advice in a condescending manner - "seriously, some of you should really think twice about giving advice. the laissez-faire way in which some of you dish out "wisdom" (OMG, the irony!) is disgusting."... when u were Royally wrong in the entire reading of circumstances.

i'll be honest here... u've been justifying how they should be together, how they have to be together, how a marriage should be and why it has to be...

but it doesn't seem to carry an understanding of the circumstances whatsoever. there wasn't even much effort in reading deeper into the circumstances.

and since u were pretty curt, i think i can be too...

u were more interested in hearing yourself than listening to him.

 

[jadeite]

...Stop bitching about each other's semantics lah. You both have different viewpoints, so what? The world is made up of different viewpoints. If everyone had the same thoughts/ideas it would be a bloody boring place. Why must you seek to analyze every word that is said and how it is said? It's the Internet, without facial expressions, intonation, etc. It's just words. Maybe one person cannot find the right words to convey exactly what he/she means...must they be taken to task? Both of you have excellent POV. Let the guy with the problem take either one as he wishes to influence his own opinion.

From what I understand, Tammy supports the seeing through of a vow made to love for a lifetime; she thinks if two people made that conscious decision to seal their love with a marriage vow (which is supposed to be till death do us part) then they should make a commitment to that vow.

Powder thinks that if a marriage has broken down irretrievably then it is better to dissolve that marriage rather than remain locked in toxic battle and cause more misery all around.

Correct? There we go. Both of you can just chill now. Both valid, strong-minded points and it's up to the guy which opinion aligns more with his. This forum too often descends into forummers picking at each other's words rather than offering genuine advice/experiences etc..

 

[powder]

it's case by case for me... what i think has to be based on the facts of This marriage, The circumstantial events, and not my Ideals of A marriage.

appreciate your post to cool things, but i wasn't bitching... just questioning someone who obviously got it all wrong cos her mind was too cluttered with Ideals tat wasn't relevant at this point and circumstance. i wasn't being mean in the first place...

thing is... there's no "they" here... unfortunately we have only access to the hubby who is keen to improve things, and no access to the wifey who has totally gone cold. so Addressing things asif there's the 2 of them here to listen in, isn't very helpful isit?

the wife isn't a willing participant, wasn't a willing participant and doesn't want to participate. she ISN'T playing mindgames... that's HER true self.

ps: the marriage hasn't broken down irrevocably. it's just very one-sided tat's all...

 

[saggitarian]

i beg to differ..to jade post.