My MIL seems to hate me

[esmechen]

First, it was the wedding date, mine has been changed 3 times
Then, it was banquet venue, they only wan it to be at the east
After which was the invitation cards, she thinks that off white not nice..
Now, it's the xiong dis and jie meis.
She mentioned to me, BY RIGHT... follow tradition, the groom side will bring equal nos. of jie meis to tally mine... Has anybody heard of that?? I've asked alot of people and they all have nv heard of this.. I seriously need some advise...

 

[fifth_princess]

i have nv hear of tat. however i hear that it is better to have even numbers, exclude 4. 8 is the best. den the equal no of xiong di and jie mei is for nice. it will look very nice on the photos and videos to have equal number of xiong di and jie mei.

i found this:
http://www.essexweddingservices.com/wedding-articles/wedding-myths/

look at point 4... dunno it helps anot...

is ur mil "wan face" tat kind?

if yes, it is no wonder she wan to involve her ideas in everything.

 

[fifth_princess]

oh ya, jus realize ur heading put "MIL seems to hate me"

i dun think she hates you.

maybe she jus wan the wedding nicely done.

if she hates you she will reject the wedding already.

 

[infojunkie]

er... what kind of advice do u need?

constructive or destructive?

 

[cococherry]

I doubt she hates u, some in laws are picky

 

[esmechen]

Thank you all... haiz.. my wedding is full of obstacles la.. My MIL almost called it off just 3 weeks ago lor... Long story haiz...cos she is very traditional and my family is very modern.. she got a lot of pattern and so my side tried to give in lor.. But after so much giving in.. she wanna chap ji ka in the xiong di, jie mei thingy.. So we find her very ma fan lor.. Seriously.. I see no point cos those other ppl i dn even know them mah.. so.. im not sure if i should just listen to her again or just tell her that there's no such things lor.. nv even heard of it.. =(

 

[cococherry]

Esme Chen (esmechen)

whats yr husband's opinions?

 

[esmechen]

He felt the same way as me..but he is soft and his mum is super persistent... so.. Haiz..

 

[sgbabydoll]

Do those who have problems with MIL have a soft husband too? Any co-relation?

 

[jcyp329]

YES .. Definately Confirm When it come to your Husband is the only son or Younger son.
Mine Happen to be HE is younger son n somemore he is the only SON at home ..

 

[miloice]

frankly, many do hate their DILs. Its a genuine and common issue. Partly, the insecurity and negativity amongst the auntie mentality, accumulated and encouraged behavior through many years. It is further worsen by the conflict of interests. Another key contributing factor has to do with the failing health of our folks, loneliness and difficulty to 'let go' and adapt that affects them both physically, emotionally and mentally.

 

[watching]

I´d like to hear more of May Ong´s perspectives on this, should she emerge with not so palatable writings, do not trample on her or you´d never hear real opinions like hers.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cai Yi Ping, my brother is the only son and youngest child in my family, but no, he isn't soft. My SIL and mom get along very well.

 

[miloice]

I wonder where is the 'trampling'... lolz.

Yah... hear of how to respond nastily and end up the marriage. Basically, as long as your in laws are nasty, fight and kill them.

 

[lunaaa]

Thank god I have modern in laws and bo chip parents. Didn't experience any of these described.

My fiancé is the youngest and apparently, mama's boy. Her favourite and he is no longer 'soft' as trained by me over the years.

 

[miloice]

trained by you?.... aiyo.... give him some credit lah. Him being firm towards his own parents and you taking credit all for it?

Hope its only a joke.

 

[jcyp329]

Well ... That depend ba.. Some if lucky enough will found a Husband that know where his own stand.. but not for some unlucky one.. Just like Mine.. My Ad Was Mar 6 and its still in the preparation process.. As the date get closer, my parent in-laws tend to want to involve much more. From choose location for banquet etc ... then My wedding gowns, My HTB groom Suit.. my mother in-law involve in .. and I actually don't like the gown that my MIL choose, HTB at 1st help me told his mum. But end I still have to Wear the wedding gown that i dun like just because HE say is my mum choose for u. Then My HTB also Din like THe Suit his mum choose.. yet, We are still playing along .. So xin ku .. Somemore after marry i be moving into his house...

 

[watching]

Trample : quoting `making it personal` and yet go into rounds of fighting her under the guise of rehabilating a person.
May wrote more than just, `how to respond nastily`.

Hmm...what purpose does inserting an emoticon serve ? To soften the tone ?

 

[miloice]

what is the purpose of your post in the 1st place? be honest. LOLZ.

 

[miloice]

All the masking doesn't hide anything abt your agenda all these time.

 

[watching]

You don’t like it when your `logic` is disputed. You say you quick minded but I disagree, you haven´t been quick to hit back directly, despite going back and forth in the posts thereafter. Rambling and rambling till it becomes an eyesore to read your writings. It would seem to me you act more on impulse in the heat of discussion. Bad behavior can be simple - an impulse indeed - but an grown man should be able to control those impulses, not justifying it as being quick minded.

Masking my agenda...you haven´t personally stated what my agenda is.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cai Yi Ping, nobody in their right mind will depend on luck to find them a good spouse. Believe they put in more effort than those who simply resign to fate and attribute any negative thing to bad luck or lack of good luck.

Joy, don't make yourself sound like a dog trainer lah.

 

[fifth_princess]

i guess those mil who want to chap ji ka in all wedding thingy is becoz they want it to look gd. and also look gd for their faces. coz all relatives will attend mah. if base on her idea wan den she can boost to her relatives tat it is all becoz of her ideas tat it look so gd. and also it will show off her "mil power". as in she can control her dil loh... utimately i dun think those mil is out to ruin the wedding loh. coz no point mah. also make her son embrassed.

if really dun like the idea say it out loh. better still.. dun tell her anything yet.. after done liao den tell her done already cannot change. change will involve $$$.

for the jiemei xiongdis say cannot find liao. all is married one, den ask her you wan married ones? which one u prefer? married or not equal nos? throw the ball to her haha

 

[cuclainne]

sometimes you just have to give and take .. learn to stand your ground on the things that you feel passionate about and learn to compromise on the things you don't ..

when i was planning my wedding, my husband and i wanted a small do - nothing fancy. but my parents insisted on throwing a wedding lunch for us .. with 1500+ guests, most of whom we don't even know. But we figured that what the heck, it's only for a few hours - just sit, smile, mingle and take photos. But that few hours is enough to keep my folks happy that they got their way.

The wedding dinner we held the night before was more to our style .. we had less than 20 people (very close friends and family only) at a middle eastern restaurant, tapas-style - even had belly-dancing performance

Sometimes you just have to learn to maintain an equilibrium.

 

[esmechen]

Haha.. Thanks guys... My HTB is the elder son of the family.. He is soft.. but of cos i also dun wan him oppose his mum la... But sometimes, i just thought we should be flexible with things lor.. so far, everything my MIL want, we have to do.. there's no room for negotiation...

Yesterday I went over and asked again abt the sister follow Groom over thingy... My future elder SIL said.. Because my HTB has a younger sister whose not married.. so she has to follow him over..and she shouldn't be alone so, will ask the equal amount of female friends to tele my Jie Meis.. ok.. still i dunno the rational behind all these acts..

I am really stuck in between.. Should I just give in or not to...
Haiz.. I think me and my HTB hav to discuss further on this...

 

[cuclainne]

Better to talk it over with your HTB .. if something that takes place over the course of a day is enough to make you unhappy, what about the rest of your married life together? The wedding is just an event - over in a day but marriage is supposed to be an ongoing journey.

I don't know about chinese wedding customs but for Malays, if a younger sibling gets married before an older sibling, then traditionally whatever wedding presents that soon-to-be married sibling gets from her groom will have to be given to the older unmarried sibling too .. one set each! My older sister was joking about looking forward to getting the same set of gifts I will be getting but thankfully my family is modern enough to do away with this.

 

[fifth_princess]

my mum also traditional type, as in when my bro and sil enter the house we must all hide in the room. but i nv heard tat there is such a rule tat if the hus younger sis not married must follow him. tat time my bro married i still not married also din follow him.

anyway. if they wan and you could do it, den do it loh.

since it is asking more friends to follow the groom. can the xiongdis gf also consider female friends to follow ur htb sis over?

 

[the_giving_tree]

Esme, your thread title is very misleading! However, reading your post, your MIL seems to be rather domineering/controlling. If it is just about the wedding traditions, who-follow-the-groom and jie mei stuff, just give in to her. After all, the wedding is only for a day but the marriage is for life. However, if she also interferes in other aspects of your daily life, well, then, that's another story.

 

[jcyp329]

Doll: its seem you are know where you heading to and you are happy with it.. Any tips to maintain ?

 

[sgbabydoll]

Cai YiPing, what tips you want?