My husband is an introvert and boring person

katc

New Member
I have been married with my husband for 8 years. I found he is a very introvert and boring person.
Our communication is really bad.
He doesnt like to have conversation with me. He doesnt even respond to me.
He is a good guy , hard working but his personallity is really weird. Because of this, we quarrell a lot and I am getting so tired with this.
I told him many many times that I just want a normal life like other people but he never change.
He also doesnt have interest or appreciate with what I do.
What should I do?
 

rip_curl

Member
I have been married with my husband for 8 years. I found he is a very introvert and boring person.
Our communication is really bad.
He doesnt like to have conversation with me. He doesnt even respond to me.
He is a good guy , hard working but his personallity is really weird. Because of this, we quarrell a lot and I am getting so tired with this.
I told him many many times that I just want a normal life like other people but he never change.
He also doesnt have interest or appreciate with what I do.
What should I do?
You mean you do not know he is an introvert and boring person before you got married? How long did you date? Boring or not, I think its unfair for you to say that. When a marriage is not working out, its easy to point fingers. Have you ever wonder if your hubby will feel you are too "active" doing your own stuff for his liking? So think abt that? Go for counselling at the very least.
 

ing1

Active Member
I have been married with my husband for 8 years. I found he is a very introvert and boring person.
Our communication is really bad.
He doesnt like to have conversation with me. He doesnt even respond to me.
He is a good guy , hard working but his personallity is really weird. Because of this, we quarrell a lot and I am getting so tired with this.
I told him many many times that I just want a normal life like other people but he never change.
He also doesnt have interest or appreciate with what I do.
What should I do?
Do u have kids? Are u working now? Or has been a stay at home mom after marriage?
 

katc

New Member
How did both of you get married ?
There must be something that both of you get attracted to each other...
Seemed he was a decent guy, he is a decent guy now too not a playful but he is very introvert. I didnt know that.
 

katc

New Member
You mean you do not know he is an introvert and boring person before you got married? How long did you date? Boring or not, I think its unfair for you to say that. When a marriage is not working out, its easy to point fingers. Have you ever wonder if your hubby will feel you are too "active" doing your own stuff for his liking? So think abt that? Go for counselling at the very least.
We dated less than a year. I didnt know he is an introvert and boring person before we got married.

I have been trying to work it out. I already told him what I want him to do example can he respond when I talk to him or can he look at me when I talk. His eyes always on tv when i talk to him. He doesnt appreciate to my cooking /bakes, and never respond to my jokes. I feel so upset when he doesnt reply me.
We have 2 tv at home, 1 in the living room 1 in the bedroom.
He has different taste of movie, so If I am watching a show he doesnt like in living room , he will go to the bed room and watch another show or he will be in the study room doing something else. But I always accompany him in the living room even I dont like the movie he is watching. Why cant he doing the same thing?
I always listen and respond to his story about things bothers him like problems at his works, his boss. But why he cant listen to my story as well... He only said he listened already.

We seldom go out together. We only go out on sunday morning to the church.

I am thinking to go for counselling but I dont think he will go. He doesnt feel there is something wrong with our marriage.
 
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rip_curl

Member
We dated less than a year. I didnt know he is an introvert and boring person before we got married.

I have been trying to work it out. I already told him what I want him to do example can he respond when I talk to him or can he look at me when I talk. His eyes always on tv when i talk to him. He doesnt appreciate to my cooking /bakes, and never respond to my jokes. I feel so upset when he doesnt reply me.
We have 2 tv at home, 1 in the living room 1 in the bedroom.
He has different taste of movie, so If I am watching a show he doesnt like in living room , he will go to the bed room and watch another show or he will be in the study room doing something else. But I always accompany him in the living room even I dont like the movie he is watching.

I am thinking to go for counselling but I dont think he will go. He doesnt feel there is something wrong with our marriage.
Sigh..the problem with many of us is that we took too long to realise that things are broken or need fixing. We start to wonder if only we could turn back time when everything is too late. 8 years is not a short period. I know its easy to say but we all fail in our communications thinking that things will simply fall in place thru time. Good luck to you and I hope there is still some chances to salvage this marriage. Have a good talk to your hb.
 

Eggwhite

Member
Have both of you through this 8 years done something together ? Travel? See shows? ..
Done things together outside the home ?

Didnt try together for a baby ?
 

katc

New Member
@rip_curl
Thanks rip_curl, hope things will get better with you too.

@Eggwhite
We travel overseas once in a year. I found that he likes mountain and hiking so much. Everytime we go travel, he will search for mountains, lake on country side area, he doesnt like big cities.
But the air tickets and hotel are expensive we only can afford once in a year. I feel we only have our quality time during our holiday.
So I told him to ask his company to relocate him to overseas (example germany) so if we want to go to the mountain the air tickets is cheaper and we could have more quality time together even i prefer to live in asia. He said he doesnt want to because living and working overseas is not good as it looks. The tax is higher and we cant really save much.
I also told him since He doesnt want to talk to me that much, I just keep a dog to accompany me. But off course he not allow me to keep a dog.

We still trying to have a baby.
 

Eggwhite

Member
@katc

So what has changed ? Dnt not see not able to travel or hike mountain or lakes..etc as a main cause...
He seems like a outdoor guy...

Why he dont want to talk to you ? Is it because of your tone or something else. ? Normally who would start conversation first ?

Expectation at this time from both parties have not been filled by both parties it seems.

To work first ....both need to want to accept to improve the situation. Both needs to see counselling.
Cannot be just 1 side.

Since you and him are trying to have a baby..is still a very good sign... dnt give up.

Not bothered would be more of a concern.
 

maritalbliss

New Member
@rip_curl
Thanks rip_curl, hope things will get better with you too.

@Eggwhite
We travel overseas once in a year. I found that he likes mountain and hiking so much. Everytime we go travel, he will search for mountains, lake on country side area, he doesnt like big cities.
But the air tickets and hotel are expensive we only can afford once in a year. I feel we only have our quality time during our holiday.
So I told him to ask his company to relocate him to overseas (example germany) so if we want to go to the mountain the air tickets is cheaper and we could have more quality time together even i prefer to live in asia. He said he doesnt want to because living and working overseas is not good as it looks. The tax is higher and we cant really save much.
I also told him since He doesnt want to talk to me that much, I just keep a dog to accompany me. But off course he not allow me to keep a dog.

We still trying to have a baby.
Given the circumstance (factors, situation, happenings, etc), ... "trying to have a baby" is just purely for procreation?

Sadly, .. there is much lacking in the love & affection aspect of your relationship. And your marriage does not seem to focus much on companionship either from what you have shared.
 

ing1

Active Member
Seemed he was a decent guy, he is a decent guy now too not a playful but he is very introvert. I didnt know that.
hmm.. try to recall THE reason why you agreed to marry him in the first place. "seemed he was a decent guy" can't really be the reason.. I am pretty sure there are many decent guys around you then, but why you are attracted to him only?

I agree with maritalbliss. Sorry for being harsh but it may be a blessing that children is not in the picture yet. You have to solve the issues that's bothering you guys first. Your children deserve the best including a happy family. Children is not a "tool" to solve problems. (I am not saying that you are using them as a "tool", pls do not misunderstand me)

Date him out. Find a quiet restaurant, have a heart to heart talk over some drinks. Don't do the talk at home so that you will not have the TV to interfere with the talk. Turn off the mobiles during the date. Encourage him to talk first. Try to approach the talk in a neutral tone, i.e. "I hope you will respond whenever I talk to you" rather than "Can you respond whenever i talk to you" etc. Also, if/when he starts talking, try not to be defensive and start challenging back. Listen to what he has to say first.

You may have to do this dating thingy a few times before he starts talking. I think you know your husband better, keep trying.

I sincerely hope you will be able to get over this hurdle with your husband and your bond will come thro stronger. Good luck.
 

rip_curl

Member
I agree with maritalbliss. Sorry for being harsh but it may be a blessing that children is not in the picture yet. You have to solve the issues that's bothering you guys first. Your children deserve the best including a happy family. Children is not a "tool" to solve problems. (I am not saying that you are using them as a "tool", pls do not misunderstand me)
Yes indeed. When you have kids there are alot more implications. I always teared for my kids now and no more for my wife thinking why they should be burdened with all these. They are so innocent but unfortunately victims of circumstances all because of someone being selfish.
 

maritalbliss

New Member
Ultimately, ... children have 'no choice' whether to come into this world or not.

We do.

They should be our product of love.

Not to be utilized as a tool / bargaining chip. Or as a 'hope that he/she won't leave me, .. things will get better' etc.
 

katc

New Member
@Eggwhite
he is not an outdoor person at all... difficult to explain. he never goes out anywhere unless go to office, church, cut his hair.
he only likes go for sightseeing (hiking etc) during holiday. He even lazy to buy food. He always complains if I ask him to buy food. I cook for him weekdays, so weekends sometimes I ask him to buy food. At the beginning I am the one who always provide him everything. He typical old man the wife must provide him everything.
Saturday If I go out with my friends, I have to quickly home and buy him food.

To answer this question:
"Why he dont want to talk to you ? Is it because of your tone or something else. ? Normally who would start conversation first ? "
I also dont know why, maybe he thinks my story its not important? he got said that to me....
Normally I start the conversation first.

I am getting stressed. Difficult to sleep. I told him can we have chit chat first before go to bed because i cant sleep. As usuall he is always busy with his notebook. He said chit chat what?
He likes to hang up phone when I havent finished talking. I am so upset about it. Can he say ok or bye not just hang up the phone. If I call him back he doesnt want to answer it. So I did the same to him. When he called me He hasnt finished talking I hanged up. So now I carry his bad habit which is not good at all.
I have tried said nicely to him if I havent finished talking dont just hang up the phone.

@ing1
date him out ? thats a scary thing for me. In the past during my birthday he never bought me present or take for dinner. I am the one who ask him since its my birthday can we go for dinner outside?
Then on the day I dressed up already He yelled at me until I felt so sad. I asked him where should we go for dinner? He said " How should I know!".

so if we go for lunch or dinner outside he is busy with his phone. we also never talk.

about the baby, I know ... I also have same thought, but I still want to have a child...

Thanks for replying me everyone....
Sorry been busy with works. will be back soon.
 

ing1

Active Member
@Eggwhite
he is not an outdoor person at all... difficult to explain. he never goes out anywhere unless go to office, church, cut his hair.
he only likes go for sightseeing (hiking etc) during holiday. He even lazy to buy food. He always complains if I ask him to buy food. I cook for him weekdays, so weekends sometimes I ask him to buy food. At the beginning I am the one who always provide him everything. He typical old man the wife must provide him everything.
Saturday If I go out with my friends, I have to quickly home and buy him food.

To answer this question:
"Why he dont want to talk to you ? Is it because of your tone or something else. ? Normally who would start conversation first ? "
I also dont know why, maybe he thinks my story its not important? he got said that to me....
Normally I start the conversation first.

I am getting stressed. Difficult to sleep. I told him can we have chit chat first before go to bed because i cant sleep. As usuall he is always busy with his notebook. He said chit chat what?
He likes to hang up phone when I havent finished talking. I am so upset about it. Can he say ok or bye not just hang up the phone. If I call him back he doesnt want to answer it. So I did the same to him. When he called me He hasnt finished talking I hanged up. So now I carry his bad habit which is not good at all.
I have tried said nicely to him if I havent finished talking dont just hang up the phone.

@ing1
date him out ? thats a scary thing for me. In the past during my birthday he never bought me present or take for dinner. I am the one who ask him since its my birthday can we go for dinner outside?
Then on the day I dressed up already He yelled at me until I felt so sad. I asked him where should we go for dinner? He said " How should I know!".

so if we go for lunch or dinner outside he is busy with his phone. we also never talk.

about the baby, I know ... I also have same thought, but I still want to have a child...

Thanks for replying me everyone....
Sorry been busy with works. will be back soon.
Was he behaving such when you were dating? Or after wedding day?
 

katc

New Member
@ing1
when we were dating , he was really nice to me. he asked me out, took me dinner, bought me bag , cake on my birthday.
after married we quarelled alot about his mom. I complained a lot. he is a mama boy.
His mother isnt a normal person either in my opinion, but actually my husband knows about it but doenst dare to resist his mother.
Is it normal for an adult man to sleep 1 bed with his mom? His mother asked him to come back to her house so can sleep in 1 bed. I felt so disgusted when I first heard about it.
But then got e few of my friends , the husband also like that. They stay together with the mother in law, if the wife is not around the husband will go to the mom's bedroom.
 

maritalbliss

New Member
@ing1
when we were dating , he was really nice to me. he asked me out, took me dinner, bought me bag , cake on my birthday.
after married we quarelled alot about his mom. I complained a lot. he is a mama boy.
His mother isnt a normal person either in my opinion, but actually my husband knows about it but doenst dare to resist his mother.
Is it normal for an adult man to sleep 1 bed with his mom? His mother asked him to come back to her house so can sleep in 1 bed. I felt so disgusted when I first heard about it.
But then got e few of my friends , the husband also like that. They stay together with the mother in law, if the wife is not around the husband will go to the mom's bedroom.
Now that is weird.
 

ing1

Active Member
@ing1
when we were dating , he was really nice to me. he asked me out, took me dinner, bought me bag , cake on my birthday.
after married we quarelled alot about his mom. I complained a lot. he is a mama boy.
His mother isnt a normal person either in my opinion, but actually my husband knows about it but doenst dare to resist his mother.
Is it normal for an adult man to sleep 1 bed with his mom? His mother asked him to come back to her house so can sleep in 1 bed. I felt so disgusted when I first heard about it.
But then got e few of my friends , the husband also like that. They stay together with the mother in law, if the wife is not around the husband will go to the mom's bedroom.
Is your husband the only child? I assume his father has passed away? Do you mean sleeping in the same room rather than sharing 1 bed?
 

maritalbliss

New Member
Is your husband the only child? I assume his father has passed away? Do you mean sleeping in the same room rather than sharing 1 bed?
She clearly stated that leh ... twice.

@ing1
when we were dating , he was really nice to me. he asked me out, took me dinner, bought me bag , cake on my birthday.
after married we quarelled alot about his mom. I complained a lot. he is a mama boy.
His mother isnt a normal person either in my opinion, but actually my husband knows about it but doenst dare to resist his mother.
Is it normal for an adult man to sleep 1 bed with his mom? His mother asked him to come back to her house so can sleep in 1 bed. I felt so disgusted when I first heard about it.
But then got e few of my friends , the husband also like that. They stay together with the mother in law, if the wife is not around the husband will go to the mom's bedroom.
 

Siaolang

New Member
I have been married with my husband for 8 years. I found he is a very introvert and boring person.
Our communication is really bad.
He doesnt like to have conversation with me. He doesnt even respond to me.
He is a good guy , hard working but his personallity is really weird. Because of this, we quarrell a lot and I am getting so tired with this.
I told him many many times that I just want a normal life like other people but he never change.
He also doesnt have interest or appreciate with what I do.
What should I do?

I assumed in these 8 years u tried all you can to make him become more engaging and attentive. You need to think if it’s time for u to stick with him. Ultimately, ur happiness is in your hands.

(1) you need to consolidate what you and him had done for the marriage in these past 8 years.
(2) if you still love him and decide to continue to make this work:
- you need to be overly optimistic. And expect less from him. Try to achieve small steps instead of overnight changes in his personality
- Praise him if he puts in effort
- slowly make him accept and learn from your habits and traits. But never pick up his bad habits. E.g hanging up on him just because he does that to you

It’s going to be a long and tough road if u decide to continue on. Set a deadline on how long are you willing to stay committed to this. Don’t make comparisons to others, especially in front of him.
Communication can vary from people to people, how u communicate between you and ur husband is entirely different from any other married couple.
There is no gold standard to love or communication. Just go with ur personalized standards, as long as you are happy with it.
 

coldjade

Active Member
Does he control you? Maybe try to take some time off and travel on your own. Give each other space to think about it.
 

TheRepentant

New Member
Reading your posts, he seems to be a insensitive man, maybe abit male chauvinist and like u said introvert. I am an introvert person, what it means it I get my energy from being alone vs extrovert who gets their energy from being with other ppl. This does not affect family life as you can go do your stuff while he chill out at home. But make a consensus for him to appear for some important social functions or events with close friends or relatives.
Some habits he has can be settled also. For example, I would also watch my fav show in bedroom tv and let wife watched hers in living room. I still love her nonetheless.
Food wise, on weekends when he doesn’t want to go tabao, just order deliveroo or grab food etc.
Some men are not as mature. Even for me, I have some immature or irritating traits. It takes my wife leaving me with kids for me to change them.
Both of you need to change how to deal with things. Things that can be tackled via arrangements or lifestyle change don’t let it affect your marriage or feelings for each other.
Change for you. Like the kind folks above have mentioned, you need to have a serious talk with him . Tell him you are on verge of quitting. Tell him your concerns and get him to commit to work on it. Make him go on some marriage fitness or counseling together.
i tel you guys are just some very dense creatures. We just don’t get it because of the way we are wired or brought up as boy. When my wife left then I realized what went wrong, so this is how dense I was. To give another example, my wife said I always threatened her, but I have no such idea at all, so what goes through a men’s mind and women’s mind can be quite different. But I changed and give in to her in everything. When there is disagreement and conflict there is a lot of ill judgement hatred.
 

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