My conflict with Mother In Law

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi Ladies

I know my topic is kind of cliche here,but I really need to pour out my sorrows so bear with me if I am too long winded.

I have many conflicts with my mother in law.
She has the tendency of passing sarcastic remarks on me like for instance today she blame my husband for breaking his promise of remaining single.That promise was made before he met me. What is she insinuating? Is she trying to tell me that her son should not marry me? I mean how can a mother make her son promise her that he would remain single?

Then last few days she said that if I didnt get married to her son, I would be played and dumped by guys again and again till 38 years old I am still a spinster. How can she humiliate me like this?

I mean i can forgive her once, but I cannot keep forgiving her if she continue with all these sarcastic remarks.

Then when I ignore her she would talk to me or buy me small things, as I am a soft hearted person I forgive her, then few days later she start her nonsense again to irritate me. Its like a repeated cycle everytime, I start to suspect its her trick of making me fall into her trap just to give her an opportunity to attack me. She is bullying me with words.

Last time when she pass nasty remarks on me, I would confront her harshly and she would go round telling others that I shouted at her, that I bully her. No matter what, I am at a losing end as all her sons would side with her.

The worst part is that when she pass such sarcastic remarks on me, she would say it with a smiling face so that everyone will think she is joking, by the way, got people joke about such matter?

Even my husband does not side with me, he said I bully his mum. not a word of consolation from him. I already told him many times that I cannot get along with his mum. But he kept compelling me to stay with her. I felt so tormented.

Can someone advise me how to handle my mother in law?
 


mmi

New Member
Hi Sheena, so u staying w yr PIL? or just yr MIL?
anyway, yr hb not siding u so dun dream of moving out...for me, i got a nasty MIL too, saying all kinds of nasty remarks to the relatives. But wat to do, my hb is the only son so we got to stick w her, i just treat her as invisible, i dun respect her at all. If got relatives gathering, i will smile and greet everybody except her. Just be happy and dun argue w yr hb, it will affect yr relationship and maybe this is yr MIL's motive, to make both of u quarrel and then divorced. So think abt it k! ^_*
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
sheena,

understand that folks will be folks. Many are careless with their words but yet at the same time very negative in their thoughts. If you realize her pattern already, learn not you allow your mood to be affected by her rubbish. You are choosing to be react and be affected by someone that is expected and with the reputation of saying nasty and stupid things. WHY?

Being negative in her thoughts, expect her to be feel threatened by your existence and expect MIL to feel so great and wonderful about their damn precious sons. And that anyone not chosen by her is never good enough for her godly son. Frankly, this aren't surprisingly at all. It only shows how lucky u had been with parents to bring u up. Many folks behave like this. You would understand better if you grow up in a family with parents more unreasonable than your in-laws.

Everytime my wife is upset with her own mum's negativity, I reminded her to appreciate and be tolerant to her. My own mum is much worser than that. You cannot imagine nor predict what kind of stupid negative thoughts are going thr their minds daily and observing every little things u do and spend the rest of the time entertaining their thoughts. Despite everything, my still love my mum just as how she loved me all these yrs.

Many old folks have a lot of free idle time doing nothing but dwell in negative thoughts that make them the nasty old woman they are today. A favorite activity, watching all these stupid draggy taiwanese drama that specializes in these stupid small wind actions is pretty much reflection on particular folks are about all these actions. They read into absolutely trivial things and think a hell of them. Realize this WILL NOT change overnight. AND, everyone is capable of being nice and nasty too. Be very tolerant and tactful. Not asking you to suffer but really let go of the unhappiness. EXPECT all these crap from them and really grow to be immune to it.

What doesn't affect cannot hurt you. You are hurt because you are letting it to. If you pick up the right skills to manage the folks, it will benefit you a long way ahead. Not just your in-laws but handling difficult people generally.

"I mean i can forgive her once, but I cannot keep forgiving her if she continue with all these sarcastic remarks."

Forgiveness is for yourself. It is the act of letting go of anger and hatred for a person. Holding onto these emotion affects no one more than yourself. How to go with if you are always having this amount of hatred for his mum? Its funnie how parents can be always so forgiving to their own kids no matter how hurtful they were. But children have little room for forgiveness towards parents and ESPECIALLY the inlaws.
 

mmi

New Member
haha Milo is rite. "Immune to it" well i'm still learning the Immune tactic.

Sigh... sometimes i wanted to tell her: Better lock your lock tight when u r sleeping coz i'm not sure i will chop u into pieces!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
This not greeting mil thing. My SIl does it. So does DIL of my MIL. That itself will trig alot of negativity.

I hear it all from my mum and MIL. Don't be as small wind as them. Just greet them lah. It makes a big significant for the folks. And its worth the effort and save u alot of the negativity that will accumulate in your MIL. It will come back to haunt u. Be immune to the nonsense and see big picture. Don't burn bridges and react in ways that will affect your marriage.

Needless to say, my mum prefers my wife over SIL. Its not that my wife love my mum. She cannot tahan her for alot of things too. That's why I'm playing the important diplomat role. Simple rule I set to both spouse and mum. Don't react. Tell me as I know better how on to feedback. My bro treats my mum like his students. Scolding and reprimanding her all the time. I understand his need to protect his wife. But clearly, its not working that well if you are to look at the kind of relationship SIL & mum is having. Mum thinks bro is under total control of his wife and fears her.

Your husband needs to play this role well. The conflict of interest between MIL and DIL is real and we don't pretend it doesn't exist. It must be managed.
 

wjchiang

Member
EXPECT, don't TOLERATE but ACCEPT. Not only will this not change overnight, accept and be prepared that it may never change.

Some parents/in-laws may not have been as lucky to have the kind of exposure that we're privileged to have. They may behave in unacceptable ways because of ignorance. Forgive. Milo is v right about "forgiveness is for yourself". Perhaps u can try to convince yourself that no matter what, your MIL raised a man whom u love enough to marry, so don't feel too sore about her "nonsense". "Gratitude" offsets "nonsense", doesn't make sense, but if that can make u feel better, why not?

When she passes sarcastic remarks with a smiling face, just smile and don't react. Sometimes, no response is the best response. Keep your basic courtesy with her, always greet her, just let her words of "bullying" u pass. There should be respect no matter what, it's difficult i know, but the fact that she's your husband's mother will NEVER change. I wish u all the best.
 

mmi

New Member
"Your husband needs to play this role well. The conflict of interest between MIL and DIL is real and we don't pretend it doesn't exist. It must be managed."

Sad to say, until now my hb cannot do anything, he is the one who is immune rather than me. 4 years! is not getting better, it's getting worst!
 

findingnemo

New Member
I feel so much better after reading Milo's posts. He is so right about the psychology of these old women.

I am still nursing a wound in my heart inflicted by my own mother just a few days ago. But now I feel better.

Milo, nowadays these aunties not only indulge in Taiwanese draggy dramas but Korean ones as well. But the plots are mostly the same. Most about MILs and DILs fighting against one another. My mother simply adores such dramas!
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
shufen, of cos he is immune. Biologically, guys zoom straight on the agenda and can really ignore things that doesn't matter to them. So, its going to be easier for him.

Not to mention, he has lived this many yrs with her. Of cos, he knows better. That's why the managing must be helped by the guy. The expectation that wife will somehow manage his mum is not a realistic one. Sadly, this is something MANY MEN are expecting their wives to do. And some guys don't even know their mums enough. Its their dads taking in all the shit. The precious sons are treated like GOD in the family and pampered all these yrs. And all he sees is the nice loving mum that pampers him regardless.

My wife always comment how I am completely immune and deaf to what others are saying. She noticed how everyone in my family is talking concurrently and the topic that interests everyone somehow prevail. That's the kind of env i grown in. So, filtering is instinctive for me.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Nemo, not only do they love to watch it. They are so involved in them as if its their life and spend much of the time watching, scolding and providing their own alternative ways of reacting to the situations.

There is some influencing by the dramas no doubt. But, it is their auntie traits that attracts them to the dramas in the 1st place. They enjoy micro politics. This is a natural by output from staying in a lifelong career as a housewife with a very limited social life. Those that didn't fall into this traits are normally those that can continue functioning beyond only their role as mothers and housewives. i.e. they are able to continue to socially connect beyond their own family and neigbours.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Milo: that is encouraging..

Sheena: living together under one roof is never an easy thing Is your HB the only son and/or is your FIL still ard? Your MIL might be feeling insecure and thus "fighting" for your HB attention. Not saying that it is wrong, but look into the background of the whole scenario and we will understand the reasons of her actions better. I guess most of the parents would hope to have the attention of their children in one way or another and most of our HBs might not always be senstive enuff to be aware or be observant to the surroundings. Quote you my personal eg, I believe my in-laws are rather afraid that my HB will not be visiting them after my AD, and my HB's grandma did kinda of hint this on a dinner table, thus, my HB and I agreed that we should make it a weekly basis to visit them after our AD, I am sure they will feel the care and concern that we had for them.
 

mmi

New Member
My MIL dun watch korea drama. She only likes to gamble. Nowadays she is using the PC whole day, playing online majong, no need to work, no need to take care grandkids, so free.... until trying to start fire w me again n again so i choosed to work and send my son to child care. It does help to minimise the quarrelling.

Milo, ya he stl can ask me how come i cannot treat her mum nicely but he cannot understand how her mum treats me. Mum cannot be son forever, it's wife will be with him whole life. He rather divorced with wife and stay with mum.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Not to throw a wet blanket at you lah, ShuFen, mom cannot change but wife/husband can change. That's probably your husband's mentality.
 

lovingyou

New Member
Gosh.. that sounds serious Shufen.. hmm.. probably, does he also put his mum / family at the 1st place before marriage?
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi everyone

Thanks for all your responses. Well, I have tried my best to tolerate her, but as I have a strong pride, I find myself very vulnerable to her verbal attacks.

I am changing my strategy now. I think the best is to dodge her as much as I can. Which means I will not meet her up for breakfast, and I only talk to her when necessary like when I have something to ask her.

My MIL is the type who think very highly of herself. She always say she is very noble to raise four sons. But recently I found out from my SIL that she used to lock her four sons at home to fend for themselves and she went out to play mahjong whole day. And she always fight with FIL in presence of her kids resulting in my husband having phobia for marriage thats why he promise her to remain single.

And both my PIL rejected my SIL many times when she asked them to help take care of her two daughters while she go out to work. MY PIL do not want to help take care grandchildren. They are both sixty plus, in good health.The reason they gave is that they dont have the physical strength to take care of grandchildren, and they are old already, should not get involved in taking care of grandchildren, and my FIL said that we juniors should be thankful that they are in good health, dont need us juniors to take care, how can we juniors expect them to help taking care of grandchilren?

Both my SIL and I find my PIL selfish,where got PIL dun like to help take care of grandchildren? I mean they are not working, every day woke up early go eat breakfast, then go window shopping, then took afternoon nap, watch television, I mean they just chose freedom over helping to take care of children.But still they expect their sons to give them allowances every month.And they also hardly cook for the family.

For many years our chinese new year reunion dinner was spent outside in restaurant dining.Both my PIL feel that their sons are indebted to them for life just because they raise them.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi Ladies

Just be thankful if your MIL got help you take care of your children while you go out working.
Dont find flaws in their methods of taking care.

Be thankful that at least your MIL help, unlike my MIL who always give lame excuses everytime when my SIL asked her to help, and also be thankful to your MIL when she do confinement for you, my MIL refused to do confinement for my SIL, and when my SIL cannot find confinement lady, my MIL went to help her, when she feel like it she went her house help her, when she dont feel like it, she never go for few days.So irresponsible, and she treat my SIL like this when she was bearing the first grandchild.
 

mmi

New Member
Doll/Little woman, yes he expects me to change and except his mum. This morning i quarel w him again becoz of 1 call from his mum. He said i always do my own way, my feeling of divorcing is getting stronger n stronger.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Sheena,

Taking care of your kids is your responsibility not your parents. Again, I emphasize, watch that expectation. That expectation itself is selfish and u call your PIL selfish.

"but as I have a strong pride, I find myself very vulnerable to her verbal attacks." Is that really the reason? Does it mean people that can endure and handle difficult people have little pride? Not quite really. Think about that.

It has alot to do with the mindset and learning to 'see open' more. Look big picture. For everything, look at things you can improve, focus on that. And things u cannot change, why bother to get upset over it repeatedly? Remember that what doesn't affect you cannot hurt u. You choose to be affected. To be upset is a normal emotion, to remain upset or move away from it is a decision. You can overcome that. It doesn't make u someone without pride. In fact, placing one's pride above other things doesn't mean strong pride. Rather, its short sightedness.
 

cuclainne

New Member
sheena, i think it's wrong of you and your SIL to say such things about your PIL .. what's wrong with refusing to take care of grandchildren? even though they might be healthy, they are in their 60s (golden years) and what's wrong with them wanting time to themselves?

are you implying that PILs are not human and should work, work, work all their lives? don't they also deserve the 'time off'?

my MIL travels all the time with her partner .. a weekend here, two weeks there .. i am envious of her lifestyle - i wish to be like that when i'm in my 60s (if i happen to live that long) ..
 

infojunkie

Active Member
"Both my SIL and I find my PIL selfish,where got PIL dun like to help take care of grandchildren?"

" They are both sixty plus, in good health.The reason they gave is that they dont have the physical strength to take care of grandchildren, and they are old already"

this sort of thinking is fundamentally wrong. u mean old folks can't hv their own lives and free will? so choosing to not helping out to take care of grandkids is viewed as being tantamount to selfishness isit? i think we should stop treating old folks as some accessories to the younger generation...
 

alcifertoh

New Member
And before anything, please do not come up the justification of having kids to please them or they ask for grandchildren if you happen to think of using that to back you up.
 

salsa_babe

New Member
the parents have been spending a great deal of their lives...earning a living and raising the kids.

now it's the only time for them to slow down their pace...enjoy some precious time with their spouse...to catch up the times they missed during their younger days.

having them to take care of your kids is a blessing BUT it shld never be a must.

that is a SELFISH thought that PIL are SELFISH for not agreeing to take care of the grandchildren..
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
ShuFen, do you know why your MIL is nasty to you in the first place?

By the way, I don't agree that grandparents are default caretakers of grandchildren. It's a choice some grandparents make to child sit grandchildren. Those who do not want to cannot be called irresponsibile.
 

vios

New Member
hi sheena,

pls note that there're differences between a nanny, a baby-sitter, a confinement lady and a grandparent...
it's purely out of goodwill that a grandparent helps to take on other roles as above-mentioned. Period.

u shld also note that the so-called Conflict is normally built and feelings accumulated by both parties, not just by one.

and ur hubby has some role to ease the tension...
if he is not realising, it is a high likelihood that u are basically ranting and complaining abt his mum....
totally ineffective as a communication measure.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Here is another part of the story

When my SIL first kid is one year plus and she had another accidental pregnancy, both she and her husband were contemplating about abortion, but my MIL assured them that she will help SIL so she should keep the baby.

So both my SIL and her husband keep the baby, but when she kept her pregancy, imagine she had to take care of her one year old toddler, cook for husband and do housework, she repeatedly asked my MIL to help her out but my MIL rejected many times. She broke her promise of helping her out. I still remember few weeks before her second delivery, when she was having a hard time, I asked my MIL to help her out, but my MIL kept giving excuses. She can go out play mahjong whole day but she just refuse to help SIL.

Actually I am not saying that PIL should help take care of grandchildren, yes, they have the prerogative to enjoy lives but I really pity my SIL where my MIL treat her like this during her first confinement and her second pregnancy.

When my SIL asked my MIL to help take care of her two grandchild for just one month so that she can take up course, my MIL also refuse to help her again giving excuses. But when my SIL husband give her allowance late, she would be unhappy and kept complaining about it. She even complain how little he gave them, imagine he gave them two hundred each,and he had to raise two toddler, and pay for car and give wife money.

Because one day if I have baby my PIL will treat me like this too. So I comprehend my SIL predicament. I already expected that my PIL will not lift a finger to help me.

Milo, everyone will be affected by what people say, because everyone has pride. How can you say I choose to be affected? Are you saying that when someone insulted you, you are not affected?
We are all humans, not saint. And its not like I am being insulted by a friend or boss where I can choose to dump my friend or quit my job, I am insulted repeatedly by my MIL whom I have to see every now and then. Imagine I have to put up with her insults, I cannot even insult her back if not she would be a crybaby lamenting to everyone.

Sometimes I really find we DIL pathetic. If we complaint too much about MIL, we are labelled as unfilial, if we dun want to stay with them again label as unfilial.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Sheena,

what I'm saying is, if you know someone is going to be nasty and there is no point being nasty back. Also, I will keep my cool and move on. That's not because I have no pride. But rather, I take pride in having more control over the emotions. Effectively, the one in control over their emotions, can influence those around better.

If we can only react and not take control over our emotions, doesn't it reflect alot about ourselves really? I'm not bullshitting you or something here. As I had explained, your instant unhappiness is normal. But, do you bear this grudge and let the incident haunt you? That's the kind of positiveness that I'm trying to encourage you to have.

At the end of the day, these are your PILs and if you are staying with them, it doesn't take a genius to realize how difficult it is going to be to fight them everyday and moment. Don't burn the bridges. Be assertive without needing to reactive emotionally. Its a vicious cycle with negativity. It takes away all the benefit of the doubt because we become optionated over everything the person does or say. If we can take some steps back to realize that. We can move away from this cycle. Learn to understand and see from their pov and even when we can't we can understand and respect that differences to give the benefit of the doubt.

We don't need to have a perfectly understanding parents to be understanding filial children. This understanding and willingness to improve should come within us and not a reaction and expectation that old folks will somehow be more dynamic to adaptations. Its time for children to take on this lead to guide & influence their parents instead.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Sheena, what happens between your SIL and MIL is between them. Just like when your colleague complains about your boss, he only has part of the story to tell, do you believe in him 100%? Do you need to take sides? You don't, right, unless you are naive enough to be stirred up or he is such a good shit stirrer to ramp up your emotions easily.

Although there is a likelihood that your MIL will not take care of your children in future, you can and should make other arrangements on child-sitting in the future. Anyway, we won't know what will happen in the future, in another few years, your MIL may become too frail to care for grandchildren.

By the way, $200 a month of allowance is quite little even though it may be the max your BIL could come out with. If we can pay our bills on time, we can pass the allowance money to our parents on time too.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi MIlo

You are right. My PIL dont want to take care of grandchildren. They should just say they dun want, dun have to give so many excuses. And their excuses are very lame.

I think conflict between MIL and DIL arises also because out of jealousy. MIL is very afraid of losing their precious son to another woman. Like my MIL she has prejudice against my SIL and me because she felt that they listen to us. It all boils down to power struggle.

My MIL like to interfere with the decisions me and my husband made, and she would come out with all sorts of lame reasons.

Just bear in mind this, when your MIL has prejudice against you, all she see in you is flaws. No point pleasing her, just like me,sometimes I find myself so hypocritical, in my heart I dun really like my MIL. Reasons is that first, she is too interfering, very sensitive, and like to throw insults at me for no reason, then later pretend nothing happen.

My PIL bullied me with words because they knew my husband never side me, my husband did not side with me as he is over filial, he does not want to break their heart so he sacrifice me.

My FIL has this problem, he likes to go drinking and after coming home from drinking, he want to find someone to rebuke, last time he always rebuke my MIL, now he rebuke me. Even he unhappy with the fact that my SIL asked them to help take care of grandchild, he also go drinking and come home rebuking me. I felt so maligned. What has it got to do with me?

I always tell myself that no matter what, they are still my PIL, this is a fact that nothing can change. I do not want to deceive myself anymore that my PIL has nothing against me, everything they do or say is out of goodwill.
They seriously have something against me, greatly prejudice against me, and bottomline is that we cannot get along.

I have decided to keep a distance from them. I only talk to them when they talk to me, I will avoid gatherings with them as my MIL has the habit of bringing up sensitive topic insinuating something to me to agitate me to make me explode so that when I got livid and confront her in presence of others, she would act innocent and start crying, portraying the whole scene like I so unfilial bullying her. She did this to me so many times that I can no longer deceive that its not done deliberately.

Now I find my MIL so scary. I dun know what she is thinking.

But luckily I have a SIL who understand my predicament.
 

cuclainne

New Member
sheena, my own mother told me that she's unable to care for my 1st daughter because she's already taking care of my nephew (who lives with her). as my mom is also not in the best of health (she's diabetic), me and the husband decided on infantcare as we're both not keen on having a live-in maid. i sent my daughter to infantcare when she was about 2.5 months old, when i returned back to work.

when my 1st daughter was only 6 months old, i found out that i was pregnant again. i sent 2nd daughter to infantcare also .. now they're 2 and 3 years old already .. so far so good .. i know that being FTWM is hard work but your SIL can opt for a part-time helper (like i have) to come once a week to clean the house. kids = your own responsibility, not PILs' or anyone else's.

actually there are many solutions that might be available to your SIL (or to you for that matter), it's just a question of whether she wants it or not.

haiz .. just like you think you have a POV, what about your PILs' POV? some PILs care for grandkids but get labelled as being lazy, behind the times, not providing good environment for the kids, etc .. some say outright that they won't and they get labelled as selfish ..
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
to share, I have an extremely difficult mother. She almost drove my dad to suicide and eventually called in quits in a bitter divorce. Since then, at 23 yrs old, I had to face her nonsense everyday. Our childhood is no lesser than most dramas you watched on TV. But, we are able to pull thr it as a family.

Each time my siblings faces probs with my mum, they rely on me to talk to her. We work in a team in the family. Apart from being her favorite son, I'm the only one that listens to her despite her crazy unreasonable behavior.

If she needs to rant and outburst, she has to. There is no way to try to talk sense to her in that situation. My focus is only to minimize the damage, and let her calm down in an environment to create as little as scene as possible. Its not just the embarrassment part. Its more for her and how others (including and especially our spouses) would fear/see her.

Unless someone is completely insane, its always possible to talk sense to them. We just need to be very very patient and observant. To slowly understand the reasons. Despite her unreasonable behaviors, there are underlying reasons behind them. Something that we took 30 yrs to learn and realize. So, I don't expect spouses to suddenly appreciate nor understand the way I handle my mum. But, we have proven our spouses that it is effective way and we have managed to keep the bridge with mum open thus far.

Its definitely tough and a constant struggle to cope with her. But, over the last 10 yrs, our parent children relationship has matured. And she finally growing up, all the yrs my dad and us fighting and enduring her doesn't do that more than now. Her divorce, us marrying and moving on, close friends and my dad's passing and deteriotating health all took a dent on her. The transition is too tough for her princess mentality to handle smoothly. She is trying to hold on. Transferring her unfulfilled needs and insecurity to us and her grandchildren.

As children, we are there for her. We go the extra mile without expecting anything from her except to remain as positive and healthy. To me, this is the love she showed me all these yrs. Its not about expectations but simply going the extra mile to care unconditionally for me. And till she death, I will continue to provide her this same unconditional love.

My wife is someone that reacts quickly to her emotions too. Each time my MIL talks negatively, my wife reacts badly and rebukes MIL uncaringly. Such actions hurts her and makes her even more negativity. I have been constantly reminding her to appreciate her mum more because I clearly know how much she loves her mum. Don't let the emotion get over and make us do or say hurtful things. The young is reactive and growing. We adapt and move on easily. Not so for the folks. These hurt go a long way to strain the relationship and poison their thoughts.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi milo

Imagine in one week she insulted me three times when there is no quarrel. I forget the first insult and move on, I met her for second time for breakfast she did it again for no apparent reason. Its like I already got over the first insult, then she haunt me again with another insult thus reminding me of the first insult, its so infuriating. Milo by the way have you had this kind of experience before being insulted repeatedly by one person every now and then?

Maybe one day when you are in my shoes you will understand my predicament.

By the way, my PIL always say that it is a great sin to confront or bicker with elders. They are the type who feel that PIL has the prerogative to insult or criticise juniors harshly. I did tell my MIL nicely that I feel hurt by her criticisms last time. She did not even apologise to me for hurting me, instead she said old people talk is like this.But I never see her doing this to her sons.She knew that I feel hurt by her criticisms but she took my words for granted and hurt me repeatedly.

Tell me how should I respect her? Respect is to be earned not forced. I felt so tormented to tolerate her every now and then, and also a husband who is over protective to his parents.

Now I tried to talk to her less, she knew I am still angry she start buying me food to please me. But I find her so scary, after all once bitten twice shy. What's more mine is hundred bitten?

Why not I also be like her? I pretend to buy her food and things, then I take opportunity to attack her with words like in a joking manner? Or say things insinating to her to trigger her sensitivity? I thought of doing this many times, I just want her to understand how I feel when she inflicted all these pain on me?

But at the end of the day, I couldnt bring myself to do this.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
if u choose to react badly to bitchy behaviors from bitchy individual, u become one too... yah rite, it's hard not to hv negative feelings, we're humans afterall. but if u allow urself to be engaged with such petty meaningless catfights and losing gd judgments & reasons along the way, then sad to say, u dun fare any better than the antagonizer...
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
sheena, yes.

Have you got a mum that accuses family members, in-laws and our spouses of all kinds of serious crimes etc? Think again. Negative thoughts are very dangerous and pulls a person out of reality. We have the expectation to know she would look at every little things and suspect all kinds of stupid things. So, when she starts her nonsenses, do I cry and self-pity? No time for that. I know her well enough, focus on what can be improved. And I assure u, I'm no means the worst case. The point is, u r NOT alone. It is very common to have difficult and unreasonable parents and in-laws. Its not the end of the world. You don't need to spend all your time battling these.

You have better goals and priorities in life than resenting the situation you are in. Either, you divorce and find someone with better Inlaws or you learn to cope with it. The choice is really this simple. Fighting to accept that gets you no where.

Think about that.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Actually I do not want to get involved in the problem between and SIL and MIL. Afterall, its their problem. But sometimes when my SIL confide in me, I will offer a listening ear. I already told her many times to employ a maid, but she refused as she has many apprehensions.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Don't be burdened by others probs when u offer empathy listening. The goal isn't to solve their probs for them. Listen, give them your suggestions if any and let them manage it.

Else, you will be overwhelmed with others probs which u have absolutely no control over.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
one more thing, the idea that minimize contact isn't always good. By having no communication, it leaves alot to the imagination and often works against your goal. Knowing how negative she is, think of what will go thr her mind? All kinds of theories of you behaving strangely and pulling her precious son from her. It will only make it worser. Build that relationship with your MIL slowly. Only then, will she slowly improve that impression.

Generally, folks are lonely and insecure. If you address these basic needs, you slowly remove the resentments they have. Talk to them more, reassure them even when they insult you. Its damn difficult but realize that we don't choose our parents.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi Junkie, as in my previous posts, I have decided to ignore my MIL, which means I will avoid gatherings, avoid talking to her much, I only talk to her when necessary like when she ask me something and I reply her monosyllabic answers, and when I talk to her its only when necessary when I need to ask her about something.

So I wont be engaged in any catfight, I am seriously disillusioned and tired of all these fights, its like so juvenile and immature.

I have decided to do this as I knew my patience is wearing thin with her, and I am on the verge of exploding and may tear off face with her anytime. If such scenario took place, I will be at losing end,because her sons will still side with her.

Hi Milo, you already said its your mum, your biological mum. After all, blood is thicker than water, and there is no overnight animosity between you and your own mum. But my MIL is not my biological mother, I am not insinuating that I dun regards her as my mother, just that its different.

This site is for ranting isnt it? I did not spend all my time battling here, just need to pour out my sorrows here. What is wrong with that?

Divorce? You think I never thought of it? But my husband is very good man, why should I divorce just because of his mum? My MIL would be over the moon if her son divorce me.
 

infojunkie

Active Member
now u're getting upset for nothing... cool down pls
happy.gif
 

simpleman

Active Member
sheena,

If you just want to rant is ok.

But you asked for advice? No?

Milo gave you many valuable advices.. the things about in-laws is that you can't avoid them so it is better that you turn a deaf ear to their insults. don't feel hurt, try to and even if you are hurt, don't show it.. just smile..

The more you showed it, the more insults you will get. Since your HB cannot help you, you have to help yourself. Still be nice and greet her but you don't have to engage in conversations with her.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Hi Milo

I did not say no communication with her. I said I only talk to her when necessary. When she buy me food I would still thank her. I have conflicts with my MIL for almost a decade. Dont you get it? We simply cannot get along.

You think its so easy to build good relationship with MIL? Look at all the posts on this website about MIL. How many really get along well especially staying together?

You think I never tried? Do you know how disappointed I am each time I tried? LIke I tried to maintain good relations with her and talk to her more, then abruptly out of no where she insulted me in a joking manner.

I am quite tired of arguing with you milo. I know alot of women out there are having problem with MIL. Anyway I have seen and heard alot of such conflcits with relatives and aunt and friends. By witnessing all these episodes, I am not saying its because others are having this problem too so all MIL are problems.

My MIL is always up to all sorts of unexpected nonsense just to gain attention and sympathy. And she always go round complaining about her DILs. And she also like to twist her words here and there just to win an arguement or to get others sympathise her. I dont know whats wrong with her.

All her sons gave her money and she got almost more than a thousand to spend a month without working. And she dont have to cook or take care grandchildren, she has money and so much freedom
but she is always complaining that her sons mistreated her giving her so little money, DILs snatch away her sons. She is so negative.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
Its so frustrating, the MIL issue can never be resolved easily.

Its very simple theory, my MIL has prejudice against me, and vice versa. When you put two such person together, there are bound to have conflcits and sensitivity. So the best thing is to avoid her, avoid her as much as possible. Avoid most gatherings except for important ones like CNY.

Avoiding her means hear no evil speak no evil see no evil.
 

cuclainne

New Member
if you already know what kind of a person she is before you decide to get married to her son, what are you getting frustrated about now?
 

simpleman

Active Member
Yes, your MIL has a prejudice against you and vice versa. You can change that by not having a prejudice against her. It is possible.

If you want to change and improve that relationship, avoidance is not a solution.

I can see that you are very impatient even when milo has been very patient to explain. I can feel your frustration and I can visualize how your MIL can frustrate you because you allowed her to affect you that much.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Actually, there are many ladies who get along ok with or are in the good books of their in-laws, just that they did not openly share it.
 

mmi

New Member
hmm....ok guys, she just being upset, i know how she feel. The conflicts with her MIL is deepen in her heart. No matter how, is kind of hard to accept such MIL.

Sheena, me too choosed dun to talk to my MIL but end up she said i'm deaf or no mouth? well, just dun let her got chance to provoke you again.
 

sheena_koh

New Member
I told my husband that I want to stay separately with him. Maybe I will rent a room outside and meet him up every few days.I dont want to live miserably forever facing my PIL.

I feel very very miserable. When I told my husband about his mother insults, in fact he heard it loud and clear too, he remain nonchalant. He never even bother to correct his mum about her words, and back to our room when I lament to him, not even a word of consolation.

Actually my husband has to play a part in my MIL insulting me. Its also because of his nonchalant attitude that got her into thinking that even my son agree with my insult.

Sometimes I really think of kicking the bucket.
I feel that my husband loves his mum much more than me. I dont know why he marry me. It seems like I am of little significance in his life.
 


sgbabydoll

Active Member
When I was still in the marriage, my MIL who was prejudiced against me in the first place, became OK with me over some years. I am not claiming credit to myself only; I believe she must have made an effort to let go of her prejudice bit by bit. Think the ex-hb had also chipped in to put in good words to both sides.

My mentality was: I would do my bit to improve things and left it to her to decide how she wants to respond. No response also can. But first gotta not let the frustration get the better of you, just like what SM has said.
 

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