My bf and i quarel every 2-3 days... i need help!!

sadgirl83

New Member
i dunno where to begin but my bf and i quarel every 2-3 days. Everything that can be argued, we would be able to argue at some point of time.

we have been together for 3.5 years, marriage has been on my mind for the past 6 months, whenever things are ok, like when we spend time together on weekends watching movies or doing nothing... my bf says he loves me and will wanna marry me but he hasn't show me anything official yet, he is soft-spoken and accommodating when we are at peace together but whenever we argue he turned into a monster, his fierce and ruthless expressions seemed so real... anyway while i'm thinking of marriage and planning in my head, i don't see the same enthusiasm in him although he agree with whatever wedding plans i share with him, but he is like no plans to save up, no plans to move forward... he is not a shy guy but he tends to shy away from the topic of marriage, love, sex and all…

but the more depressing thing is that he is very short-tempered, naggy and thinks he is very 'witty or eloquent' to the point that whenever we argue, we get lost on the point of the initial topic of argument and started picking on the words used on the argument... it's very frustrating becoz he will increase his volume, go on and on and on, to prevent me from talking, and say more and more hurtful things that later on he said he regretted saying, didn’t mean them at all, and it's just becoz of the anger that made him say all those things...

after this past 2 years of quarreling, i'm behaving like him too! and so the argument only gets worse each time... the only difference is that i mean what i say whenever i quarrel and so it leads me to think that he actually means what he said during the argument unlike what he denied to be...

i'm not sure if 2 person of marriage age (he is 5 years older) who have spent substantial number of years together and can quarrel every 2-3 days should continue to stay together...

moreover, people and bf normally say the man will have the upper hand after marriage since the girl's market value goes down after marriage… bf also thinks that he is good looking, smart, humorous, will be richer in future, and every bit the eligible bachelor...

i’m so stuck in this relationship… Help!!
 


ariesta

Member
if u dun like it, get out of the relationship! hav a cooling period... rem b4 marriage OPEN ur eyes BIG BIG...after marriage...time to close the eyes... dun let the yrs of the relationship burden u down. knw tat if u can qurral over every small little tings...ur wedding preps, housing reno and kids will trigger a breakup...coz these 3 times are the most stressful part of the married life.
 

pinkhippo2002

New Member
your situation seems quite similar to a friend's

He has been with his gf for many many years. Whenever we asked when are you getting married, he said wait for her temper to improve. They argue quite frequently from our observation

The talk of marriage has been going on for the last 2 years but they postpone & postpone again. None of us dare to probe further, not nice to be so kpo

He seems to have reservation about marrying his gf, yet things are not so bad between them to break up, so dangling lor
 

dottyback

New Member
think wat u need is a breakup n definitely not a marriage

a partner shld make u a beta person n not turn u into someone so angry n quarrelsome

y would u even wanna consider marrying someone like him? u r oreadi pointing out all the horrid points of him n looking at ur paragraphs..there's only a line or 2 dat says the 'nice' things abt him...the rest of the chunk r all negative

b4 marriage oreadi quarrel every other day over the silliest things...if u tink marriage is gonna change him...i tink u noe the answer beta than anyone

pls b kind to urself
 

sadgirl83

New Member
ariesta, ya i know must open eyes big big and think carefully b4 marriage... but my mother always tell me to give n take, forgive and forget... she is aware tat we quarel nw n then but exactly wat we argue abt she doesnt knw, she tinks its becoz bf n i r short-tempered ppl so must take time to learn...

not_auntie, ya i'm feeling i'm dangling in this relationship, like taking one day at a time, bf did tok abt plans but plans always seem so far away n whenever we quarel, we felt like we shd really reconsider this relationship n break up but after a day we will get back together...

serene, actually typing out my relationship situation here in black n white makes me feel like i've been living in tv drama n if i were to watch a show like that, i'd tell the girl that the obvious is right in front of her n she shd do herself the favor too...
 

wow_wow

New Member
sound like my BGR with my wife. want to break up and she threaten to jump down from her condo and plead and plead.

then we are back again..the marry. then i wanted to annul. she said no.. but now she want divorce. omg..
what an oxymoron.
 

sadgirl83

New Member
i'll elaborate a bit more abt wat i tink of bf...

good points whenever things r ok...
1) he speaks gently n softly to me, will try to make me laugh, if I wanna hear him sing or tell a joke he will do it
2) he will wanna b wif me every day n every evening to go out, have dinner together or watch movies n spend more time together
3) he is willing to have whatever food/ dinner i want, restaurants or watever
4) at times when i stay over his hse, if i'm hungry at night he is willing to cook 4 me like noodles n scramble eggs or drive me out to eat
5) when i wanna bring my parents to go out on weekends, he is willing to drive from his hse in the west to my place in the northeast
6) when i'm bored at his hse, he will take me to buy magazines or borrow library books
7) he is willing to drop me at the library then drive around for 20 mins b4 coming back to pick me up again
8) he doesn't mind going shopping n walking around in malls wif me
9) he will send me back hm most nights
10) he is willing to pour me a cup of water or help me get things when i'm lazy n i ask him to do so
11) he used to smoke for 10 years at least half a pack daily but after he got together wif me for a yr he quit
12) he can take my advice to take more healthy food exercise n make changes, character n habits changes he said he has been changing slowly for me, maybe a bit but I can’t think of any now…

bad points...
1) whenever we argue, he blows his top, gets angrier n angrier, louder n louder, nag n nag, n looks every bit serious abt wat he says
2) recently whenever we argue, he also started to ask me to retink abt tis relationship n then he also says tat he is worried abt marrying a girl like me (but i wasnt like tat 2 yrs ago n hardly will wanna quarrel wif ppl coz most of the times i will keep quiet n my opinions to myself, but nw tat he is so 'vocal' i cant help but to shout back too)
3) he doesn't have proper savings plan nor manage his money well, in fact he gambles... 4d, toto, soccer bets, casino... a few thousand win a few thousand lost but generally over the years more losses (quite helpless here coz his mother introduce him to gambling when he was young n they r all proud gamblers like they've seen the world n knw more, n also say if I’m keen to invest buy unit trusts it’s also like gambling)
4) whenever we quarrel, his ears r shut n no matter hw hard i've tried to get my reasonings across it will seem to him that i'm stubborn opinionated strongheaded n look like I insist that i'm only right n nothing wrong which I’ve told him many times that I don’t insist of winning an argument jus tat I wanna share my opinions
5) whenever we quarrel until i get so sick of it, i will keep quiet but he can go on n on, so i'd tell him to not say anymore since i've already stopped but he will wanna have the 'last say' n go on even more n tell me that i'm the one who have finished what i wanna say not him so he can still continue nagging until he is done with it, but of course i'm not done with wat i wanna say just that more things said will cause even more arguments
6) he tinks tat a woman should be obedient n listen to the man follow what the man says she must do n not talk back as much as I’ve been doing now, which I tink it’s not possible that he expects me to b a smart working sensible woman during the day then transform into something else so different completely
7) some times when we quarrel, he behaves like a raging bull or crazy monkey n attempt to spoil my most beloved things like laptop, table, magazines books coz he knows I dun like money to b wasted to buy such things again… I can’t stand such childish, immature n irresponsible behavior so I told him off many times, now I tink he can keep his temper more control so lesser of such stuff n like last nite in the car I can ‘argue’ alone all the way hit his arms n legs but he doesn’t react but maybe he is also not interested in me liao that’s why
8) sometimes also when we quarrel in the car, he will attempt to drive recklessly coz he knws I’m scare like hell n I’ve told him I treasure life n life is very precious, I’m so worried that this behavior will grow worse like how things grow bad when ppl grow old
9) other bad habits r more minor like always picking nose, not very hygienic, normal conversation also must add in vulgarities very Hokkien style of toking, etc…
 

sadgirl83

New Member
yawn, i dun threaten him wif such stuff but he tried tat kind of verbal threatening to me a few times... only in a fit of anger i will 'duplicate' his behavior... apparently that's what his mother used to say to him when he was young n smtimes even nw... although he totally hates his mother's behavior n gambling habits, he is almost becoming like her but he doesn't think so

tis is so much like a virus spreading to ppl closest to u... i'm so afraid my kids will turn out like tat...
 

skylar

New Member
sadgirl,

I would seriously advise you to reconsider ur r/s wif ur bf SERIOUSLY....
although his good points last an impressive 12 pts & his bads goes to a 9 pt but I seriously deem his bad pts way off in comparison to his good..

think twice
 

dottyback

New Member
of coz easier said than none since u r the one facing it now...but do try to back off perhaps n rethink abt tis whole relationship again...no bf is worth making u upset over n over again n wats the point in argueing every 2 days? ultimately..the time spent annoyed wif each other will b more than the 'sane' or 'happy' times
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Sadgirl, your bf does not owe you your happiness but at the least, he shouldn't be the source of your unhappiness too. Think again of the situation you both are in. Not exactly enviable even though some of his behaviours are sweet and considerate.
 

chewo

New Member
sadgirl, i was having the same dilenma as you when it happened to me 2 years ago, so what if the good points are really "GOOD"? that should be what a husband should perform. Any guys can do that. There are so many guys out there who can perform or maybe better than your bf for those points which you think are good.

to be realistic, a r/s that is quarreling now and then will be facing more problems in future because both parties sooner or later will be drained out. my ex and me had been discussing about marriage though we had been having arguments every 2-3 days. When in good days, it was like he is the best i can ever find, but when in bad days, i just wished to get out because the quarrelings are not making sense to me. Other than verbal abuse, he made me feel totally lost. Same as what you mentioned, i was changed to a different person as i kept all the feelings to myself and there is no point to argue further. Now we splitted and i found someone whom treasured me much more than him (though he still beg me to go back to him, but i rejected).

Just forget about this r/s... life is short, why compromise to a man whom you are not sure if he can bring you happiness?
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
I think the regular conflicts have alot to do with a vast difference in their value system and goals in life. In short, you can easily love such a man who is very different from you at all levels, but it's hard to live with him in peace.

Also, it is a given to have conflicts in a relationship, but it's a totally different story how conflicts are handled.
 

powder

Active Member
just an observation...

Good Points 1-12, Most Bfrens/Hubbies do it... except maybe the quit-smoking part.

Bad Points - mostly pride/ego issues... so dun look at the action. once the ego part can mellow down, the actioons will no longer exist...
 

crazy_guy

New Member
from the pts u mentioned, his bad pts are multiply by at least twice compared to his gd pts..moreover the gd pts are pretty normal..
 

betrayedhurt

New Member
personally, better to open ur eyes big before marriage, dont rush into it if you are not sure if he is the one you want to grow old with.
 

yuene

Member
Girl,

1) he speaks gently n softly to me, will try to make me laugh, if I wanna hear him sing or tell a joke he will do it

--if you switch on your TV or tune in to the Saturday Night Live show, it will do the same thing for you. And the best part is, Saturday Night Live is probably way funnier.

2) he will wanna b wif me every day n every evening to go out, have dinner together or watch movies n spend more time together

--you don't have to spend everyday and night with someone to spend more time together. Besides, if he's spending more time with you and arguing, what's the point of spending time together???

3) he is willing to have whatever food/ dinner i want, restaurants or watever

--If he has difficulties with his money management, the last thing he should be doing is going out and spending money on dinners at restaurants.

4) at times when i stay over his hse, if i'm hungry at night he is willing to cook 4 me like noodles n scramble eggs or drive me out to eat

--very honestly, while it's the thought that counts, instant noodles and scrambled eggs don't really take more than 9 minutes to whip up. I wouldn't consider it an overwhelming act of love.

5) when i wanna bring my parents to go out on weekends, he is willing to drive from his hse in the west to my place in the northeast

--Nice to know that he shows some respect to your parents. I wonder if they'd prefer that he shows some respect for you, though.

6) when i'm bored at his hse, he will take me to buy magazines or borrow library books

--You can do this yourself. Why on earth do you need him to accompany you to buy a magazine???

7) he is willing to drop me at the library then drive around for 20 mins b4 coming back to pick me up again

--Petrol not cheap, my dear. Why is he spending unnecessary money???

8) he doesn't mind going shopping n walking around in malls wif me

--your friends can do the same thing for you. In fact, you can even do it alone (and it is a very liberating experience to go window shopping alone at times). Do you really need a bf to do that with you??

11) he used to smoke for 10 years at least half a pack daily but after he got together wif me for a yr he quit

--he ought to quit for his own health and because he believes it's good for him. He is solely responsible for it, and if you're afraid that he's going to go back to it if you leave, then that's his problem, not yours. My friend's bf chain-smokes, isn't going to quit, but he treats her with the utmost love and respect. I would choose a guy like him over your current bf. ANYTIME.

12) he can take my advice to take more healthy food exercise n make changes, character n habits changes he said he has been changing slowly for me, maybe a bit but I can’t think of any now…

--These aren't huge sacrifices.

If he drives recklessly during arguments to scare you, I can only say, dump the jerk. He obviously does not hold your life sacred, nor his own, and a person who cannot respect life is not in any position to love it wholeheartedly. And you are not an automaton, you are a human being. If he really wants something that will say yes to him all the time, he can very well go buy himself one of those label-makers and punch out eternal 'yes'es. Secondly, usually people who think they are witty and eloquent aren't. Ditto for those who think themselves good-looking. Thirdly, anyone who influences you to become worse than when you started out is not life-partner material. You should not look back at your life after 20 years and feel nothing but self-loathing for what you've become.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
he needs to brush up on his anger management. This cannot be done in a shot.

But you guys can work things out together if both are willing to put in the effort to REFLECT and GROW.

When you spoke of marriage, did you try to understand his plan and ideas? I can't help but see him quietly agreeing with you only. His lack of interest in it is quite natural and understandable. Everyone has a pride, we tend to forget. Most of the time, what we argue isn't the true issue, it is actually a battle of pride. You work on watching over each other's pride, the conflict is likely to be less damaging.

The relationship is already strain. Frankly, stop planning for the marriage day but rather focus on the foundation you need to last the marriage.

The thing about driving, basically, it linked back to the same issue with anger management, this is serious and needs to be worked on.

Lastly, this is not some critism on you. Neither it is to push the blame on you. Your bf have serious problems and minor ones too. But so do you. We don't need to be perfect partners and have perfect spouses for marriage to work. The key point is, are you working towards understanding each other and hence forming good strategies to resolve your conflicts. Somehow, I see the focus is still on blame. If both of u cannot make progress conflict resolution, it will only ruin the relationship.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"I tink it’s not possible that he expects me to b a smart working sensible woman during the day then transform into something else so different completely "

if a person is really smart, then they know what is important to themselves and for the people around them. The secret of getting others motivated to work for you is to use what's important for them to lure them. If his ego is big, you cannot make it small. Work around his ego and not against it.
 

heart_goes_on

New Member
Hi, Sad Girl,

I guess maybe guys are the same? My hubby when it comes to quarrel, is also the same as your bf. He can said all kinds of hurtful words, loud, the eyes like dont know how much he hates me like that.... But we are already married, so cant do anything much other than tolerate, cos i have 2 kids to think of. For you, you are still single, if really going to get married, have to think if he is the right one. Cos it's really a long path. For me, i am only 28 now, so still have a long way ahead. I mean if you can't stand him, cos once married, the 2 of you are going to live together.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Emily,

there are many ways of one to be hurtful. No one in the fit of anger will be super nice and behave exactly as loving as normally. This is human behavior loh.

We need to 1st realize this before we can let go of the resentments and anger for our partners. They are also human. You also hurt him in other ways be it intentionally or not.

For me, I realize this point. And I remind myself and my wife of this all the time to avoid ugly conflicts. When I'm damn pissed, I might not be able to control too. And I will be mean too. This is human loh.

Just do damage control, recognize the its not exactly clever for ANYONE to condemn nor judge during the heat. Pull the plug and cool down 1st.
 

ariesta

Member
hi sadgal, it appears tat ur bf is pretty childish. sometimes, writing down these stuff makes it more objective and can clear ur sight. Personally, pls dump him, or at least hav a cooling period. do not stay wif him when u hav so much misgivings in ur heart. dun wait until u r married then hav ur regrets. it will be too late.
 

margie

New Member
Sadgirl,

when my hb screams at me, i walk away and tell him to speak to me after he has cooled down. If u stand there, chances are, the volume will go UP! After he cools down, we will talk.

The good points that u list out is what boyfriends do so it's not any big deal. If u say ur husband of 30 years still does that for u, then i will say u have a very good hb
happy.gif
 
Hi sadgirl

my ex did that to me too. basically show no respect for me and the worst thing is, to be able to argue w him, i also learn to shout back at him.

we eventually broke up becos he also realized tt we are different. me=sensitive him=super insensitive

perhaps ur bf will be better off with a girl who talks like him. and u r not the one becos u r a nice girl.

this is not healthy. i will advise you to leave him. becos some guys are just like that. it is in the character and perhaps upbringing. maybe he has learn since young tt it is 'ok' for men to behave like that. quite hard to change him.

yes u can perhaps try to 'change' him with ur love... but, is he worth it?

i think it is easier to find someone easier to love. dun torture urself like tt.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
People can and do change. Just that it is impractical to hope to mound a person the way we want loh. We are what we are today because of the many accumulated experiences and not just upbringing alone.
 
basically if you choose to be with him , accept the fact that there will never be e so-call equality n respect
if you cannot accept. just leave him as please realise that there is no way that you can change a person character

human nature behave in such a way that they will hardly think that they have any fault and everything wrong lies in the other person
while u are here sobbing abt his bad character, he could be sobbing somewhere about yours as well

leaving someone take alot of courage and maybe tonight when he treat you well, u will forget about what u sobbing about earlier and the cycle just turn round and round
 

avis79

New Member
Hey, can you tell u more about yourself then? How is your char and temper and what do u do to pacify these situation?

Sometimes, no smoke no fire, did u create any unreasonable demands or "little princess" request?

No offence to u, just want to know more about your r/s which is similar to mine..
 

sadgirl83

New Member
no leh... everything i ask for is normal n standard... no special request

why dun u describe ur relationship...

wat ur gf ask of u??
 

luv_ourselves

New Member
Sadgirl,

Everyone is an angel whenever things r fine, you agree? So instead of listing his good points in terms of when things r fine, why not you list down what steps he took to pacify both your quarrel when things aren't fine which makes you feel is a good point? And at the same time, compare your own good and bad points vs his. Stand at his position and list your own good and bad points. Human tends to compare own good points with others bad points. Then mayb from there you would have better understanding between how compatible you both are. Have a good heart to heart talk on both your weak points before proceed to marriage topic.

See, there's too much bits and pieces of conflicts will happen in a marriage that leads to quarrelsome matters. So we ought to see the bad side of it and how your partner is going to handle such prob. when arises. If not, trust me, there won't be fairy tale ending between marriage whereby only one party knows how to handle and pacify it.

And I do agree with serene, your partner should turn u into a better person rather than a quarrelsome and angry person.
 

gracelourdes

New Member
to be honest, sadgal...maybe at tis very moment when u r tiking abt the 'good's n 'bad's abt him, he's prob doing the same abt u as well....

my give on tis is, whilst u may seem to deduce tat 'everything i ask for is normal n standard... no special request', it may not seem tat way to him...cos each n everyone of us have different values, upbringings, experiences etc...

like for eg. to u, ur room may seem to be clean but by other ppl's stds, it may be too tardy...

wat i mean by the above is, dun measure other ppl according to ur own stds...relationships is always abt tolerance, patience, trust, understanding n love...

whilst everyone of us prob have some or quite a few bad habits tat we may not want others to noe, do note tat ppl do notice as well....

so i say tat while some of ur bf's habits can be changed like smoking etc...do not expect ur bf to change his habits, the way he live, his character for u...cos when u love someone, u shd love his good n bad points, isn't it? love ain't perfect in tat sense u noe wat i mean?

nevertheless, i do agree with milo on the anger management part...perhaps ur bf doesn't noe how to react in situations so he's retaliating in such manners of anger...i mean, if he realises tat it's a prob/issue tat could get in the way of ur relationship development n tries to do sth abt it, do be patient with him n learn with him
happy.gif
happy.gif
 

babystorm

Member
sylphide (yuene),

Based on your post, it seems like all those stuff that sadgal's bf did for her are deemed as SMALL and not a big deal at all. Little thoughts add up to alot, especially if done from the heart. Surely you know that?

May I know what are considered HUGE and overwhelming sacrifices in your eyes? Donate a kidney? Kill someone for you or?

Frankly-speaking, your post sickens me. My instinct tells me that you are single. If you manage to have a bf in future, you know what is the first thing that you must do? Draw up a list of things that you would rather he not do for you, as they mean nothing much and you are able to do it by yourself. That could save him much time and trouble.

No doubt that there are many things we can do it ourselves. However, it is nice to have someone who cares enough to do it with us or for us. Perhaps you can try to get this thought into your head, if it is not too high up.

sadgal,

I have to agree that a man who really loves you would not try to endanger your life in any way, like your bf. Ultimately, the choice is in your hands.
 

yuene

Member
Miyako,

I know that the little things add up, especially when done from the heart. But I think you're missing my point here. I'm trying to point out that if she's going to justify that being put down constantly, or having her safety put at risk during arguments is okay, it's just part of his bad points and that he has his own good points, she may find in time, when she has married him, that those things are not enough to keep her going. Sweet acts of love add flavour to a marriage, but are these things a firm enough foundation to keep a marriage going alone?

It's like planting twelve forests on deforested grounds, and then after a few days, dropping an atomic bomb on the area. You can keep replanting the forests, and you can do it sincerely, but when the bomb hits it just undoes everything and sends it back to ground zero. And over time, with repeated pounding, you find that the ground is too toxic for the trees to grow. That's what I'm trying to get at.

What is a huge, overwhelming sacrifice? For one, a realisation that his actions are hurting her, and making an effort to change for the better, instead of influencing sadgirl to become like him. He is making small character changes, according to what he says. But in some increasingly important areas, he doesn't seem to be making the change. Yes, much of how he is now is due to his mother's influence, and that cannot be helped, and certainly he will carry over baggage from that. But we are not fated to be carbon copies of our parents. We can change and it takes an effort to overcome that. Anger management is, in this case, a big issue that either he can try to work on, with sadgirl's help; or if he does not want to change, then sadgirl should also re-evaluate whether or not she wants to carry on.

More importantly, they don't seem to be headed in the same direction. While one wants to get married, the other is hesitating. If they cannot come to a consensus about where they want to head from here, what kind of marriage they want and some concrete steps to take to get there, the marriage will run into trouble in time to come. Love can keep the marriage together, and we should overlook the minor faults (and be patient while doing something about the major ones), but arguments can wear the love down too. And right now, there seems to be a lot of arguments in sadgirl's relationship. It's doing the both of them no good, especially if they continue to yell at each other like that.

By the way, I am married (good try, though, with the instinct). I did tell my husband that if I can do something myself, I will do it, if anything, so that it does not inconvenience him . If he does it anyway, I consider it an act of love, and I appreciate that by telling him, and vice versa. And I can grasp the concept of doing something from the heart, although I am not quite the romantic sort (that much I can admit).
 

silverash

Member
"I did tell my husband that if I can do something myself, I will do it, if anything, so that it does not inconvenience him . If he does it anyway, I consider it an act of love, and I appreciate that by telling him, and vice versa. "

Sylphide: I totally agree with you! Actually if most people could think things this way, they will be more appreciative towards their partner and in turn, the relationship will be a very loving and fulfilling one.
 

babystorm

Member
sylphide (yuene),

I think your previous post was kinda misleading.

By the way, I took my bf for granted many times and now, I am trying to make remedies. So when I read about how little you thought those actions (done out of love) were, it really puts me off. My bf did those and many many more.

Anyways, thanks for the clarification. My bad instinct though. lol
 

pinkhippo2002

New Member
Sadgirl

do you feel that you deserve a better guy? Otherwise you won't be posting this thread if you are sure he's the one, right?
Why don't you keep your option open. You don't have to decide now or settle for one now.

I believe a guy should treasure a gal like a pearl in his palm before he is worthy of her


Sylphide

yes, I agreed showing appreciation & not take each other for granted is very important in maintaining the relationship. But I enjoy letting hubby fuss over me leh, so I would rather he does everything for me even though I am quite capable of doing it myself
wink.gif
 

yuene

Member
Miyako,

No problem. Sometimes I tend to be a bit obscure as well.

not auntie: I think everyone wouldn't mind being pampered by their significant others (though I draw my line at cooking--my hb's valiant attempts at cooking Maggi mee always end up super-soggy... =S). It's just that I was brought up to do everything myself and for my family, so I can't quite get rid of the habit either. Makes me feel very restless...
 

simpleman

Active Member
If quarrel every 2-3 days and getting very angry 2-3 days is the norm during bf/gf days - then I can't imagine what the marriage life would be.

I believe you need to sort out your current bf/gf relationship first before even talking about marriage.
 

sadgirl83

New Member
thanks everyone for all the opinions and advises.

actually deep inside my heart, i already knew what i want and what i want is not what i see and what i get from my bf... all these while i've been trying to fix a square puzzle piece into the round mould and at the same time wonder if i should just bear with it coz life ain't perfect or should i move on to find out if life really provides me a closer fit or even a perfect match...

of course perfect in my sense, not perfect until the world also think he would be... i think it is not too much to ask for and hence has always been contemplating to move on, but then there is still fear of not finding someone suitable, or finding a worse match, or not finding any at all...

right now, i'm still stuck in the cycle... quarrel then one day later either party will cool down and suggest to live on with it, follow by a few days of bliss, then out of the blue something strike and then deja vu... it's really not a healthy relationship

hmmm... so everyone can see... while i'm here typing out my sadness... something happened again... sigh...

anyway, today i'm so sick, fever cough, here pain there pain... otherwise i'd be so motivated to exercise lose a bit of fats and then look prettier just in case my new fate pops by around the corner

i welcome everyone's advises on what i should do and not do, and if anyone after reading what i post here feels that my 'character or personality' has any flaws and should change and do something for the better, feel free to tell me... i might or might not change but in the process i think it will keep me occupied and maybe learn something...
happy.gif
 

powder

Active Member
u have your answer, why ask the same question?

i dun think u have a flaw, i just think u lack self-confidence. maybe it has to do with how u see yourself physically, and how u feel the world sees u... but as u grow older, u realise all these dun matter. it's not abt how good u look nor the clothes tat beautify u, but abt the glow from your inner-self. that glow remains as long as u have charisma and personality... u can put on a t-shirt+jeans and still possess your glow...

if u think it's how u look, then it will be how pple look at u. if u think it's how u Think, then it will be how pple see your thoughts...

i see u thru your posts, and u see me thru mine... do u have a face here? do i have a face here? we dun even see each other's clothes... yet we're talking to each other... do u need to be pretty for me to talk to u? do i need to be handsome?

if u have a great body, a beautiful face and u dress sexily, dun insist that others see u for your personality first... becos u are presenting yourself in a sexual manner to attract first. majority of guys who wanna get to know u are not thinking of reading books with u or strolling on beaches with u... they are thinking of something that u're dressing for.

end your sadness and start anew...
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Hi Sadgirl, you have very self-limiting thoughts and I urge you to start looking into this.

Do you know that it is better to be with no man than the wrong man? A wrong man will only give you heartache. Don't misunderstand, I don't hate men, even though my heart was once broken into a thousand pieces by one man. But hey, this one man does not represent the entire male species.

What I really want to say is, it is up to you to stay or leave. If you leave and you do have all the valid reasons to do just that, you will open yourself to opportunities and choices of men. But if you stay, then it is you who close the door on yourself and kill your own chances.

About being single, it is not that scary at all even though you may get hit by a sense of loneliness once in a while. But that can be taken care of by taking up hobbies, meeting new people, and spending time with family and friends.

Life is about choices. Girl, it's your life, your choice.

"i think it is not too much to ask for and hence has always been contemplating to move on, but then there is still fear of not finding someone suitable, or finding a worse match, or not finding any at all..."
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Doll....
"Do you know that it is better to be with no man than the wrong man"

well said.

to add, being with the wrong partner should make us realize what we don't want and need in a relationship. There are lessons to be learnt in failures. It is an important, completely essential and valuable part of life.

To choose to learn from your mistake or continue living and dwelling in it... the choice is yours.
 

simpleman

Active Member
Wrong man or not.. sometimes subjective. Your man could have also chosen the wrong woman..

Anyway, life is too wonderful for us to be tied down.. i mean you definitely won't die even when you don't have a partner.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Certainly, SM, right/wrong partner works both ways. I am definitely not the right woman for ex-husband. He had said it himself time and again, that I did not have the capacity to tahan a hard life with him haha.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Actually, right or wrong partner, as complex and subjective as it may be. If we cannot achieve mutual happiness, how can we claim its the right partner?

IMHO, don't need to think so much, if there is no way to be happy together, then, its not the right one.
 

redshoes

New Member
hi Sadgirl

You can't choose your parents, and you can't choose your children. But you can choose your spouse. So do choose carefully, and if you've made that choice based on what you know now, you have to accept what comes your way.

Will you be truly happy with him? Can you truly love him heart and soul even when he treats you that way?

Don't even think of divorce as an option when you are making your decision. Otherwise, there is no point even thinking about marriage. All the best.
 

sgbabydoll

Active Member
Yeah, Milo, I also think so.

"Actually, right or wrong partner, as complex and subjective as it may be. If we cannot achieve mutual happiness, how can we claim its the right partner?

IMHO, don't need to think so much, if there is no way to be happy together, then, its not the right one."
 

cloudyskies

New Member
Dear Sadgirl,

Simply put: If the shoe doesn't fit, don't buy it.

Don't jump into marriage on 'JUST BECOZ'. Be sure that at the point of marriage, he is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. Marriage is suppose to be a celebration of love. A union. Not a 'I'm not sure but ok I'll go ahead anyway' kind of deal. I urge you to give up on this guy if you are having so many doubts. If he doesn't respect you now, he will not change and respect you after marraige. He is who he is NOW and AFTER marraige. Marry him for who he is now, don't expect things to change. Only if you can accept him as he is then things might work. There's no point us telling you 'yes' or 'no'. Ultimately, you have to open your eyes to see & decide for yourself.
 

panjang_kaki

New Member
let love make it's way to u,

cupid may be trying to tell u smtg; someone else out thr, deserves to gif u wadever his has. i was like ur boyfriend, but i realised the harm and negative tots i brewed into my "high school drm girl". she was exactly the type of person i wld wanna meet. *dang!* too late. now, i promise to treat the nxt person better and not convert back to my past.

don't worry bout marriage. it'll come soon. like wad i always type in the other posts, don't find love. let love come to u. the real right one may appear soon enuff. look on the brightside! =D

first up! brush up urself. to find gd answers u need a clear mind and happy heart..some negatives hv to be face somehow, to clear a clean and refreshing path.

all the best!

ps: i'm only a small boy..but i just can't stand beaten souls being helpless.
 


rainbowz

New Member
Sadgirl, your story is sooo familiar .. I was like u 3 years ago .. My ex bf excatly the same .. I left him cause i cannot take it.. Sometimes i even feel that there is something wrong up his head when he is angry over little things ..

Yes he becomes a crazy man .. Seems like he wanted to kill me or something ..

But luckily i left him then i realise that there are better ones out there ..
 

Top