My (Best) Friend and I..

[alcifertoh]

U are now at a different phase of life. Things will not be the same again. I tend to reflect on those good old wild heck care days when we bunch did crazy things together too.. But those are the memories for us to keep and we know that gone are those days.

However whenever we meet up, we would recap and the bond of bludderhood is still there, even though the things we do together now is no longer the same. We are at a different stage and we recognise that. We will laugh at those stuffs and encourage each another on the path that we are at now, each striving for their own achievements. We cannot always stay at that stage of good old sec school days hanging around and doing silly things wasting our time away.

Life demands more out of us now, and we have to embrace what is in store for us, than halting our mentality there and never move forward.

 

[rubbishcow]

funtasty, please don't mind me for being blunt. I think that the problem lies with your friend. She is lonely and she cannot get out of her shell. A best friend need not always be by your side every week or every month. I have this best friend for like 15 years and some times we don't even see each other for 1 year. It took me like 10 years to remember his birthday and give him the first birthday present.

He is always there for me whenever i needed him and vice versa. He was there for me when i lose my "best" friend and seriously i can tell you, he hated her so much than me.

A best friend need not always be by your side. They will be there when you needed them. My girl friends don't contact each other often as well. We may had met up for movies every week when we were younger (its not like we are very old now) but now, we only meet up once in a few months for dinner.

When i discovered my ex's infidelity few years back, my best girl friend was at Australia studying. The only way to contatc her was to email her and though she wanted so much to be by my side, she couldn't return. All she could do was to give me a call and reassure that there are still someone by my side to support me.

Your friend need to learn how to be independent because you cannot be watching her back all the time. You had said you treated her as the best of friend for 18 years, had she treated you the same?

 

[lovingyou]

funtasty: being a friend, we can only wish for the best for her, you have progressed but doesn't mean that she has as well... Different people have different growing up phrases..

 

[etleen]

funtasty, you dated your bf since last nov and he proposed last xmas eve?

which means to say... you guys dated for 1 mth or so before he propose?

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

I guess I prob had too high expectations of her...i thot with the similar wavelength we shared, we shd be able to live "happily ever after"...

I've to move ahead now with a positive mindset..Things will get better for all of us..Maybe one day, when we "zi sun man tang", we will become frens again...Hee..

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

et.leen : Ahhhhh...yeah...hee..

Very fast hor

 

[etleen]

congrats.. i thought it's too soon.. actually, my bf and i dated for abt 1 mth odd.. and we are talking abt marriage as well...

so it's normal for me.. =)

btw, how old are you?

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

et.leen : I'm 31 this year...

It's normal..dun worry..

As long as the feel is right, time is not a factor..

I'm glad he proposed at that time..We found our dream flat in May and I'm gg to HDB for my 2nd appt tml!

 

[etleen]

that's nice to know that you guys had found your dream flat..

i know sometimes, time is not a factor..
but, im only 21..

 

[jiening]

i hope she'll read this thread one day and do some reflections on all her deeds... it's difficult for the involved party (i.e, you) to put your message across, but if she read this thread with all the 3rd parties opinions, maybe she'll understand what she's doing is absolutely wrong.

i guess she hasnt really understand what's the meaning of friendship. which is kinda sad... bless her.

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

et.leen,

good for you..when I got to know my bf, I hope I can be 21 again ^_^ So that we can have more time for fun..Of cos we are having fun now lah..juz that at my age, we ll plan for bb soon and then commitments follow...

Be sure of what you want and just follow your heart...

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

Jiening,

If she listen to advices, I wouldn't be having difficult time dealing with her...Like many others had said, only she can change herself..If she choose to remain in her nutshell, even the whole world cannot prove her wrong...

I can only say that I've been true and given my best...the rest, its up to fate...

 

[miloice]

There is nothing to prove. We all live only once. You don't owe her anything. The lesson is for her to learn and not for you to teach. Unless she is willing to receive your advices, else, there is really nothing you can do to influence her.

 

[lovingyou]

Agreed..

Congrats Funtasty..

et.leen: Have you accepted the proposal?

Age and how long in the r/s isn't too much of a considerable factor at times..

 

[etleen]

littlewoman: yet to propose.. but we're are discussing wedding plans.. e.g. venue, which bridal studios..

tat's why im in this forum to source for some suggestions and ideas..

 

[lovingyou]

I see i see.. any hotels in mind?

 

[miloice]

etleen, dated 1 mth + and only 21.
How about your bf, how old is he?

In 1 month, u guys hardly gone thr anything to really understand each other sufficiently. Its kind of risky. You guys probably haven't seen life enough to realize your goals. What's the rush?

Do you know his family well? Do you understand the family culture? How's the relationship with his parents, specifically, his mother?

When u rush into the marriage, you will have to learn and adapt to the differences you only discover after marriage. And if you don't like what you are getting in the marriage, reversing the marriage isn't so straight forward anymore.

 

[sgbabydoll]

"which means to say... you guys dated for 1 mth or so before he propose?"

Funtasty, maybe your best friend is worried for you making a hasty decision?

 

[alcifertoh]

But doll, the fuss that the best friend kicked up are more on her self need leh. Like not accompanying her during xmas, valentine and not enough attention from TS etc.

 

[etleen]

milo: my bf is 29..

yup, we've not been thru much.. he's mum is divorcee.. and they are close..

im not saying im getting married after 1 month + of dating.. juz tat we got into the r/s with the intention of getting married..

 

[sgbabydoll]

OK, HBH, I have omitted that part. Pai-seh

 

[its_fate]

First, we duno how “deep†this friendship had gone into. It may not be as one who has been self proclaiming.

The other gal maybe residing in her nutshell, self victimising over this which most of us think so. However, anyone really understand what is her thinking/mentality? Her reaction on her so called “best friend†deserted her for a new guy.

This “best friend†is getting married and still “yaya papaya†by inviting her. How blood-boiled (Tu Lan) can she get? She is left on the “book-shelf aka boh lang aiâ€, that bitter feeling she getting?

Of coz we can argued that: “Come on lah, you have to grow up and learn to let go such things. People cannot be with you forever and people will progress to next stage in life. How can you be behaving in such a manner to your “best friendâ€? Why jealous over this? Why this why that blah blah blah….â€

Before we start pointing fingers at others, think first! Be sensitive in handling people’s feeling. Dun think of yourself by wanting her to share your joy which maybe her pain by inviting her. Been reading so far, most of the time is your concern more then hers. Your approach maybe correct to most but not her.

We really have to look deeper into what is the term “Best Friend†mean...................

 

[alcifertoh]

But Iris, if the best friend feels that the good friend is "yaya papaya" to invite her to the wedding while she is still single... It pretty much speaks about herself liao right? Others has to be like her and cannot move on and put her on prority?

Let's even put the term best friend aside. One would also not treat a normal friend in this manner let lone a best friend? I do definitely sense the taking of friendship for granted with demands.

 

[lovingyou]

Some people are just overwhelmed by jealousy that this isn't happening to her but on someone else, thus, she can't wish the person well in a way. Another possibility might also be that she is aware that she is no longer at top priority and thus being upset over it.

 

[alcifertoh]

Be it whoever, we have to chart our own life and cannot depend on someone else to give us a "purpose" in it. Have to acknowledge that everyone has their path to take and not by default pinning this expectation on other.

One recent case I witness was Gal A and B. Gal A got pregnant. But due to some pratice, she din't intend to announce it till after the third month. Then later Gal B found out A is Pregnant. Kick up a whole fuss and say that she is damn disappointed in Gal A and they are best friends and she should be the first to know.

Very warp thinking isn't it? They need the sense of importance from others to satisfy their insecurities? Now I do not sense any element of best friend in such episode asl well. Do we as best friends feel or hope the other to be happy or we want them to make us happy?

 

[susanna_low]

What Iris say is true. The whole conversation might only be revolving around marriage, bf, flat etc. She might have nothing to say except on sarcastic remarks. Sometimes have to spare a thought for others feeling too.

 

[miloice]

Iris, if u read deeper, this best friend has always being venting her anger and frustrations on TS. Also, TS has been babysitting this friend, always being sensitive towards her to initiate social meetings as the bridge. And when TS was down, this friend just sian.

So, I really don't know how else should TS be sensitive when this friend has for the record never shown any sensitivity to the TS throughout the years of friendship.

For me, TS is simply being make used as a convenient buoy.

And its very tiring and superficial to talk with someone that is always trying to restrict information in fear of offending me. That, itself, is a pretty offending thing. As if, I'm not capable to handle the truth. What makes you think I will be so sensitive and immature to share the joy and excitement of your coming wedding?

Tio bo? We are responsible for our own feelings, we don't need someone else to act smart and filter information from us till this kind of level. Really overdoing to worry offending friends while simply sharing our happiness with them. Its kind of insulting to me. This kind of 'friends', I will siam far far man!

 

[scrabby]

funtasty: after reading your post, personally, i feel it's plain jealousy... leave her alone.

 

[its_fate]

Milo - If U read deeper, no one know this "best friend" at all. What we see/hear is one sided story tio bo?

Guess most have already planted a negative point towards this gal. What I want to highlight here is things already went lop sided.

Is it really like that or what?? I dun want to argue for the sake of arguing. What I want to say is a word of fairness for this gal..

All things mentioned are towards that gal's disadvantages. Look at things from the opposite side. Dun be rigid when passing remarks.

 

[miloice]

of cos, we are not arguing. But, if we need to be this sensitive as to refrain from sharing our joy with friends, then its really quite an overkill liao mah.

I'm pointing this out because I have came across people like this. People that fear offending others so much that they are always worried over everything they say. I listen to the kind of worries they have, I also feel tired. The funny thing is, they actually take pride in that. Thinking that, they are such attentive and sensitive friends. To me, its totally tiring to interact with people with this kind of character. Especially those that are this sensitive themselves. i.e. they assumed that it will somehow offend others likewise. These are the people that gets offended talking to me sometimes.

It makes simple daily conversations so political. My ex is one typical example of this character. Very scary for me! keekee.

 

[its_fate]

Another thing to add on for the invitation.

"Ai Lai Mai Sua"!... Why must keep asking for her leh? Then project yourself to be the pity party from her comments??..

To show others that U really "treat" her as your "best friend"... then after which start criticising on her remarks and oso digging out "grandmother debts" and starting counting one by one?? It's nonsensical.........

 

[alcifertoh]

Yeah lah We do not know TS, or her best friend.

But from the processing of the input and on neutral grounds, it's notice that the reactions are kinda off liao.

From the above, I agree that focusing too much on the couple relation topic is boring. However the best friend do seek concern and interest about it from TS initially. Then TS had been feeding her with it. Yes maybe too much or issit their topic 24/7 I do not know. But TS did avoid it when the best friend voiced out.

The flip table part of it I notice came from the proposal episode during xmas eve. Thereafter the best friend seemingly full fledge her attitude at TS liao. Even though amendments had been carried out on TS part?

To a point like has to seek to please leh... The best friend herself has to realise this if not it's just factors that put people off.

And I do agree with you. Wu lai lai bo lai suah lor. Not really need her to bless.

 

[miloice]

Iris, we are all guessing. You choose to doubt the TS but I don't think what she has said is so unbelievable.

Referring to the initial post :
" Soon, I started to avoid this sensitive topic. Whenever my bf call me when I’m with her, she will be very impatient and can even shout out loud that “ask your bf dunnit to be so superglue and call and check your whereaboutsâ€etc…So I told my bf to try not to call me when we are together so we switched to SMS. She is also not happy with this and complain that I’m rude to sms others when we are out. This went on for a while till I feel that I’ve had enough of her nonsense. So I started to be cold to her. Now I only sms or email her once a while. "

And with all other things that she has mentioned, pretty much give us a good picture in my opinion. Of cos, this friend has her side of the story too. But when u can be so offended over your friend's partner over a call? It does tell a lot of her character. no?

Also, we can see how TS have tried to be thoughtful and sensitive in the many examples provided. She is always the initiator while her friend just tags along.

If TS has such straight forward character, then she wouldn't have continued this friendship this long. Just as how we always read about how much they love so and so and suffer so much and then throw in all the rubbish that they cannot tahan. I agree its nonsensical and very ironic. But I would say, its pretty common and possible.

 

[pinktweet]

Or, i'm just thinking wild .. could the best friend a les? ie. She already treated TS as her 'bf' and hence jealous? .. since TS mentioned TS has been with this friend since their school days and they are super glue (the best friend has only TS one friend, no other good friends) and TS has been doing all the initiations, pampering her, going out with her, compromising her, etc, all stuff usually done by guys to their gfs, .. hmmm..

well, i'm just throwing out another wild possibility ..

 

[its_fate]

milo - This show very much how that gal rely on TS... To a stage whereby she can shout out loud from juz a call (from posts)...

I don't doubt on those posting coz I am not involved in this friendship..

I juz want to say: No one sing solo in a relationship. TS should oso play a part resulting on that gal's behaviour. Too much giving in and pampering is not good at all.

What I am baffled is why only now then things become like this??

Pardon me for being blunt. I juz have this feeling both are juz the same. "Making Use" of each other, be it time or whatever... Claiming each other as "best friend".. but in fact cannot tahan one another behaviour.....

Juz that one manage to find another float.... =)

 

[its_fate]

milo - Actually, I do have such experience from friends that when my then BF called me, they will "suan"... asking: "Why must call every minutes, "duo ming zui hun" calls!!!..

Also, my GF who said she boring and needs me to accompany her for kopi. When meet up, she was on her HP all the while. SMSing and calling friends to chit-chat.. Me like a "gong-kia" sitting in front of my kopi... Waste my time!!So, I juz finish my kopi and say GOODBYE to her... KNN!! hahahah...

We really have to be sensitive on such things.... Maybe it's norm for one, it may not be the same for others... =)

 

[sgbabydoll]

" juz want to say: No one sing solo in a relationship. TS should oso play a part resulting on that gal's behaviour. Too much giving in and pampering is not good at all."

I agree with this observation. Much of what happens to us is allowed by us.

 

[alcifertoh]

"Also, my GF who said she boring and needs me to accompany her for kopi. When meet up, she was on her HP all the while. SMSing and calling friends to chit-chat.. Me like a "gong-kia" sitting in front of my kopi... Waste my time!!So, I juz finish my kopi and say GOODBYE to her... KNN!! hahahah... "

I agree with this portion. That is obsessed liao then still meet for fiak?

 

[susanna_low]

Sharing joy and happiness is good but for lonely souls, over sharing is like "嗮幸ç¦" to them. Those who cant take it well will sort of like 心里ä¸å¹³è¡¡, thus the outburst.

There's a middle age "obasan" in my office who always tot that she's v chio and like to "act confident" will always pass sarcastic remarks or have sudden outburst at the slightest issue. Nothing good will come out from her mouth especially for joyful events.
However we know that she's bitter because she doesn't have those so we avoid sharing these topics with her or else later she will "ki siao" again.

 

[miloice]

Iris,

indeed, TS definitely contributed to her friend's reliance on her. But, as much as we try to fault the TS, this friend isn't some teenager. She ought to grow up herself loh.

Reminds me of when I was overseas for few months on a project. I had a really childish colleague as a room-mate for 3 months. No one can tahan him except me. All my colleagues wondered how come I 'pamper' him like this and endure all his nonsense. They keep asking me, why I don't tell him off and let him learn.

But, to me, its simple. We are all stuck there for project. There is no way I'm going to be able to change the arrangement. He cannot live with anyone else. I'm pretty clear on how big his ego is. Why should I even bother to teach him? He is an intelligent individual himself. I let him discover life through his own experiences. This is the only way I can go thr those months peacefully.

Naturally, he become like buddies with me throughout. Cos, I was never a threat to his ego and pride. When we meet up years later, he admitted to his own childishness. We cannot force or teach others how to grow up. And sometimes, its not to our best interests to too.

 

[vios]

bro, u did it right. i would too, if i were you.

but it is different from the sort of pampering and accomodating to the whims and fancies of princess/prince-like kind of friend... moreover, did i read somewhere that the friendship is like 18 yrs or so?
to be honest, i don't have much patience for such "friends", nor can i endure it for merely 18 hours or 18 days.

as much as TS is sad and disappointed with the friend's behaviour, it really is not surprising with everything considered - the latter's character coupled with the constant giving-in by TS.

 

[miloice]

agree. its not like they are friends of circumstances. TS willingly and naively continue to allow to be abused by her 'best' friend.

 

[susanna_low]

Recently I found out 1 of my closest friend of 13 years kept telling lies, that is very uncalled for coz it's none of our concern

Don't take friendship so seriously and ended up feeling so disappointed.

 

[green_tranquility]

Susanana,
Why not we try to improve our judgement of people? I believe there're still genuine friends around you.

Don't let your faith in friendship get affected because of 1 black sheep.

 

[alcifertoh]

Yeah. Come together with no expectations and face each other truely. My motto in friendship.

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

Oohhh...I was away for a day and there are so many posts to catch up with...Took me a while to read

I started this thread because I really do not know how to handle her anymore...Just wanna get others' point of view..Not with the intention of bad-mouthing her..What I shared, is all true personal experiences...

She had said even more crude things to me which I do not think I shd share further..sometimes I wonder, on what foundation is our frenship built on...

Best fren is considered attached as she has a long distance relationship with a French guy..This happened before I knew HTB..She shared with me, showed me emails from him...told me abt plans on visiting France..etc..I would listen..sometimes making fun of his english and we just laugh over it...

I thot that when I met HTB, I could do the same..I can share with her all abt us..and she will make fun and we'll laugh over it..etc..etc..but her attitude just changed totally..to a point, I've to be very careful with my words..Now,I can't be myself in front of her at all....

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

If it is all about "Making Use", then prob this thread wouldn't be started in the first place...Cos there would be no feelings involved and how will one feel hurt?

Like I've mentioned, I have more frens than her..anyone could have been a better float in terms of frenship..

I do not like best fren's temper but that doesn't mean that I do not enjoy being with her..Just like how we would quarrel with our parents or siblings but we still love them, don't we?

 

[sgbabydoll]

"I have more frens than her..."

Is there some invisible competition between you two?

 

[funtasty_funtasty]

doLL : Oh no, I do not mean that..

Just that I read one of the comments which say that we could have been making use of each other all these while and things changed when one found a float..

I was trying to say that, I did not use her as a float or made use of our frenship all these while...if not, I would have deserted her long ago, considering that I could spend time with other frens instead of her...

 

[susanna_low]

Green, my friend wasn't like that before, she change after marriage and things worsen after she gave birth and subsequently after her parents passed away. Maybe the pressure was too stressful for her and somehow she developed a "can't lose" mentality. Whatever people have, she will want to have too without consideration thus the lies.
I m actually planning a heart to heart talk to her on one of these days.

Fun: Why not you have a direct talk to your friend? Ask her why is she behaving like that?