My affair

So many threads here have come from men and women whose other halves have had affairs. Me, I'm from the other side. Slammed, despised by many people here. I've had an affair, and I'd just like to share my side of the story.

I met my husband when I was 20...the circumstances were right - we were both single, we clicked from the start, we had common interests and our personalities meshed well.

Then somewhere during our 2nd year together, the emptiness began setting in. The hugs had stopped, the loving words had dwindled to a customary 'good night' and 'good morning' message each day. 'I love you's' were beginning to feel routine and meaningless. I have always been fully in touch with my emotional needs, and when I started noticing this, I began voicing out my concerns to him. I knew they were important, and I knew I had to pick up the spark once again. But each time I tried - reasoning with logic, arguing, persuading - he would promise to change, but revert back after a week or two. I know now too late, that is just the way he is.

He has always been calm, levelheaded and matured - husband material without a doubt. And so after 4 years of attempting, I gave up eventually. Expectedly, the quarrels lessened to a point where we seemed like the perfect couple, quarrel-free and at peace with each other. After all he had never been one who'd get jealous or possessive, nor point out any misgivings/disatisfactions in our relationship. It had been me all along, and I thought that maybe if I'd put aside my emotional expectations, it might have been better for the both of us.

But I knew deep inside, that it came with a price - with my emotions locked up, along went the love that I had for him - if it was even love in the first place.

During our 5th year together, my father passed away, leaving behind just mother and I. My mother has always been strict with high expectations of me, and when father passed on, I felt that being the only child, I had a duty to fulfil. I wanted her to have a grandchild, and I wanted to ease her mind. And so I followed the path that had been set for me - agree to my husband's marriage proposal, apply for a flat and settle down.

A year after our ROM, HE appeared. During a period that was dull and grey, and I was just moving along where life took me - and I think I was even subconsciously turning to romance novels and drama serials just to fill up that gap in my heart.

Like a burst of sunshine, he entered my life, and suddenly everything lit up. Even after knowing that it was impossible between the both of us, he continued to court me with a fierce determination and a warm smile on his face. Perhaps I was touched by his courage and sincerity, but I knew that I had been given a second chance, and I didn't want to miss it. I cried from the overwhelming guilt, the first time we had sex. And as we sat there in the dark, he smiled and kissed me on my left cheek, right cheek then my forehead. He said to me that this was a special kiss, just between loving couples. Then he pulled me into his arms and just held me there. It was then that I felt love, so pure and strong that I knew I was willing to risk everything I had, just to be with him. Throughout the months we spent together, I finally felt like I was truly needed by someone else, and my heart was so full of emotions that I thought it'd burst.

But maybe Karma caught up with me shortly after. Several months into our relationship, we began quarreling. Insecurity and suspicion ate at us, and things started to get ugly. He finally broke up with me last week and I never found out the real reason why, don't think I ever will. But the next day, I came to a decision, something I knew I had to do. So I sat my husband down and told him that I didn't love him any longer, told him everything that I had bottled inside of me, everything except for the affair that I'd committed, the one thing that I'd never be able to reveal to him...He was calm as always, and he said he'd known that my love had faded, adding that he wasn't going to hold me back if I really wanted to leave. Our future is unknown, but we've agreed to take things a step at a time, and weigh out our options.

I'm crying as I type this out, not from my husband's calm suggestion of a divorce or the possible loss of security and a stable life henceforth, but from the love and passion that I'd found, and lost again. I no longer have sight of the clear path that was once paved for me. But I'd finally experienced real, powerful love, and we'd tried, loved and clung on to each other so desperately for the 7 months that we had together. Although it ended too soon, although the pain I'm feeling now is so deep and intense, I have no further regrets.

I'm not asking for understanding or pity, or even forgiveness, but I just hope to tell everyone - husbands, wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, that no matter what, do not assume that your partner knows you love them, do not assume that there's no longer a need for as much affection or romance as before. And listen, really listen, to their pleas for help. Act on it, before it's too late, before they turn to look for love in another's arms.

I know that I might never be able to love my husband again after all this All I can do is pray for him, that he will find love again, and if I am very lucky, so will I...

Thank you for reading my story.


New Member
That 2nd guy could have broken up with you for another woman, isnt it? You wont know the reason.

Even if you are still together with this 2nd guy, the spark and love may not last forever too. How would you that 5-10 years later he will still be as loving.
Hi orchids, quite possible =) I no longer need a reason for our breakup, or what would happen 5-10 years later, but I'm very certain that his love for me was real, while it lasted. And for that, I am already grateful


Active Member
that's not entirely a bad thing...

at least now u hv the courage to step out of comfort zone

well, the rite person is yet to come.


New Member
I don't think the idea is about whether TS could have had a happy ending with the 2nd guy. The 2nd guy may have been a cad in disguise but he still showed her that happiness can be found, even for a fleeting moment.

If we are all zen enough and able to see the big picture and able to 看开, we should realise that life is actually made up of several fleeting moments. Nothing is forever.

I'm happy for lullabye that she has gotten some form of enlightenment from this episode. Such knowledge is the cornerstone for the emotional strength you draw upon when you face future obstacles.

agree with junkie. really not entirely a bad thing. I'm TS has learnt a lot.

Have a good Friday, and a good weekend guys!
Thank you for your kind words, bedokboy and junkie. Bedokboy, what you've said really resonates with how I feel I'm feeling. Although the urge to go back to 3rd party is really so strong. I'm fighting it every minute. But I know if anything, he is a catalyst to the entire outcome...and like what orchids mentioned, he might not even be the right one in the end. I've tried hard enough, now I'll just let fate deal with everything else...

Although I cannot deny the severity of the offense I'd committed, and it might go against the norms of society, I am not ashamed because it came from deep within my heart...But in retrospect, the admission on my part and my decision to agree with the divorce was made not because of the 3rd party, but for myself, and for my husband. I couldn't continue lying to myself and him, and I couldn't bear the fact that my husband would be living with a wife who does not love him...he deserves much more than that.


New Member
To each has their own expectaion... And to each whom work hard to achieve it. You are very clear headed in fact, to know what you actually want. I salute you for that. More salutes to your bravery to actually willing to work and fight for it.

All the best to you! Be strong!


New Member
"I am not ashamed because it came from deep within my heart"

You don't care as long as you feel like it? Wow.

What goes around, comes around.


New Member
The man may be MARRIED. While u r glad u had that MOMENT IN LIFE, it will be hellish for the wife when it is exposed. New life for you may lead to end of life for another. Worst if kids r involoved.


New Member
when there is an affair, of course from a third party's eye we will blame the person who had the affair. sometimes it can be an affair that is purely for sex, or just simply for the thrill of it, but in TS case, it was a love affair. something that she could actually give up her marriage for.

and what could have led to this type of love affair? surely something is missing in the marriage.

it's indeed important to marry someone that we love and to make an effort to maintain the relationship. no matter how responsible a person is, if he/she don't feel loved, u never know what might happen.

at least TS admitted that she didn't love her husband. and it set both of them free.


Active Member
well my lullabye,

7months could make an entire life pale in comparison.... i'm glad u went thru it and savoured a part of life in entirety... sometimes just to know something can exist...means more than never exploring...

i can assure u with alll certainty of my 36yrs of life, and having mingled in pple's life... that what has awakened in u, Can be fulfilled... as long as u dun hold on to the past too tightly, and simply live life becos u love life... life will have ways of giving u opportunities...

just keep walking, and thanks for sharing... it touches my spirits... u take good care...

ps: i'm abit like your hubby, will be indifferent and perhaps very willing to let go. onlywhen u understand life and respect freedom, can u truly seek happiness.
Guy, if it makes you feel better, what goes around has indeed come around. He left me in the end, left me with mere memories, and very real, deep pain. Never a day had passed without my conscience weighing on me, and it was a constant struggle both for me and him. Every step forward that we took, was possibly a step towards an end - my marriage, my reputation, the life that I had carefully built just to name a few...

Just do it, I may be selfish, but not at the expense of another family other than my own. No wife or child was involved...this has never been intended as a cause to defend extramarital affairs, what I just want to say is, marry with strong love as the foundation, have it very clear in your mind before proceeding with the marriage...

To powder, Ajumma, chilli queen, milo and all the others who have given me your support, i thank you all sincerely...I may not deserve this understanding but I am very thankful, and deeply touched...
I recall a day, just several months after my rom. When a friend announced on msn that she was she was 'crying with joy'. I asked what it was about, and she revealed that her boyfriend of 9 years had just proposed. I remember feeling very puzzled and slightly worried. Why did I not feel that same kind of joy? Why did I feel immune and indifferent on the day of my rom? I think now, I know the reason why...


New Member
hi lullabye

my story is very very similar to yours and i'm still stuck in a complicated mess. i hope by chatting with you, it will give me some strength to move on. just wondering, do you regret giving up the clear path that was paved for you even if you didnt end up with the guy you love so much?

or would you have rather been stuck in an unhappy but extremely stable marriage?

how did people around you take the news of your split?


New Member
Hi my lullabye and peas in a pocket,

My story is very similar too, but as a different role and i still missing her everyday, still hoping for her return.

PM me if anyone need a friend and supports



New Member
Hi lullabye, I am also in a similar situation too.

Are you still in contact with Him?

I am really happy for you because you had the courage to take that step forward and that you are clear headed.

7 months maybe fleeting but what matters most are the memories that you had with Him and that there were no regrets.

Do PM me. I would also like to move on too.
Reddy, I am no longer in contact with him...I think he's been through as much pain as me, and I think it's time for me to let him go, let him search for a love without all this burden that I'm carrying with me...


New Member
Hi lullabye, has he tried to contact you as well?
I can see you have thought through quite alot and had gained some enlightenment. Likewise, I am curious to know would you rather be stuck in this loveless marriage or be lost in directions now?
chapter7, sorry I'm afraid I can't disclose that here

Reddy, he hasn't contacted me as well. It was a painful breakup, and the relationship I had with him, in itself, is a whole new story altogether. Reddy, I can never do without love. Impractical, perhaps. But it is who I am, and what anchors me to the man I yes, I needed to know that my marriage had become is necessary to me.


Active Member

just wanna say... be careful of who u meet on the net... there are guys who thrive on what u share, and will try their luck.
Then that guy better damn well be equipped with the stability patience and dependability of my husband, and the passion confidence and charisma of 2nd guy. (bad humour, I know, I'm sorry just couldn't resist)


Active Member
"Guy, if it makes you feel better, what goes around has indeed come around. He left me in the end, left me with mere memories, and very real, deep pain."

Don't be so dramatic and link one incident to another. Anyway, go watch "Eat, Pray, Love" and be inspired. Juliet Roberts plays Liz who realises how unhappy her marriage is, gets a divorce and goes to three different countries - Italy, India and Bali, Indonesia - in search of herself.
doll, Haha, the term 'what goes around comes around' in itself refers to a series of incidences linked by karma and retribution, no? Thanks for the recommendation


New Member
thanks for sharing lullabye .. it should serve as a wake up call to ladies and men here who are facing the same situation as you for them to do something before any affairs started .. you are very lucky that it happens to you early enough for you to take action, ie. to annul the marriage .. imagine if HE appears after you already have kids with your husband .. then things will be complicated ..


New Member
I admire your courage to share. There is one thing that rings in my mind when I read this.

"Love the one you Choose and Choose the one you Love"


Good luck in find the one you love


New Member
all becos of one moment of excitement and the marriage is broken? worth it?

i know of one shameless couple in real life who did that when he is married with a newborn son.
he commited adultery when his wife was pregrant.
pity the son. but just too bad. a leopard will nvr change its spots.
Tpk, like I said it was nv my intention to defend adultery. So, worth it or not, it's up to u to draw your own conclusions. I respect your stand too
Pinktweet, I agree I'm lucky in that sense.. Just feel sad that things turned out this way btwn husband and I..

Ting yi, I agree.. And people hold on because of hope... But hope can sometimes be a double edged sword... It can give you strength, but it can also be a dangerous illusion...

Brian, thanks for your well wishes. The same goes out to all who r in search of true love as well!
My solutions may not be the best, but I believe these are answers that I have to seek for myself...and paths that I have to choose on my own...though definitely since I'm posting this in a public forum, everyone is to welcome to give suggestions and comments, and I will gladly and with much thanks, read and digest each of these comments


New Member
lullabye, just curious what's your next step now? i mean, next step with your hubby? Are you guys going to try all over again one more round by working things out? Not sure if he can change to be more romantic and passionate to win your love again, since this has been stagnent for so many years already. If he should change, will it last and how long will it last? Will he revert to his old unpassionate self and by then will your love fade again?
First thing I have to do is get over the 3rd party...clear my mind before I can proceed. Even though I have accepted our breakup, it doesn't mean that my heart is over him
I don't think I can move on with my husband or anyone else, if he is lingering on in my thoughts...

As for my husband, I don't and never will expect him to change...I've learnt my lesson from the past few years. For a stoic, down to earth man to change to a passionate's just not possible, not natural, and not something that should be forced on to him...


New Member
if u r going to get back with your husband, i seriously pity him.
he's been made a cuckold in this saga. and one day should he find out, what will be his reaction?


New Member
my lullabye, do you eventually intend to tell your husband about this affair? I think it's very heavy to have everything kept within yourself and plus with those lingering thoughts of 3rd party, does your husband even suspect anything?

I can totally understand the lingering feelings of how you feel about 3rd party. Perhaps, you can start a blog or a diary to just pen down your thoughts or something. Perhaps, it might help?
reddy, I'm sorry but I don't think I'd like to elaborate further than what I've revealed so far. My main purpose was just to share this episode that I've been through. Thank you for your concern =) If you'd like, we can discuss this through pm...just leave me a message. I'm actually curious regarding your situation as well.


New Member
Lullabye, I ever do share the same situation you been, more i was marry for more than 7yrs and when the problem happened, of cos thing get out of hand, I couldn't take it anymore as I was forced and threaten by the "other party". I broke down and call my husband while he is overseas for work and told him everything. About the affair I have, and the mistake I made, he told me calmly he "know" and told me not to worry and ask me to wait for him to come back. I waited for him to come back and we have a long talk. I can tell you what happened from then till now he is still standing strong beside me leading me along. From my point of view I can tell you, do let him know the truth,not becos to get back but to let him know you not lying.


Active Member
TS is not getting back with the hb.. what is the point of telling him? Just to be honest? Come on. Not lying is not a virtue in this respect.

Time will heal. We will get over anything with time and effort on our part.

mistake, in my POV, by telling him, I might unload my guilt to make myself better, but I have shifted the burden over to my husband...making it now not just my cross to bear, but his as well...I'm not so naive to think that just by his acceptance of the truth, everything will have a happy ending and there will be no further any case I've never believed in rights or wrongs. Every decision made will have a different outcome, although they might never be the outcome that we imagine them to be. Not making a statement, merely a fact to ponder on...