My [30m] girlfriend [28f] always say I'm useless and her mom [50s] agrees

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by newproject, Apr 23, 2016.

  1. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Asking on behalf of a friend.

    My friend is a "nice guy" , very modest and unassuming. He is a great friend willing to drop everything at last minute to help his friends.

    The problem is he's a bit soft so many people take advantage of him at work. That's the reason why even though he is brilliant at his work others take credit and he isn't promoted even after others more junior have. He's the type of guy when others feel unfair for him he will say never mind. (Not sure if he really minds)

    My friend recently got his first gf via online dating . I've met her a few times, she's petite, well dressed , woman of few words . So as a friend I was very happy for him because he finally got a gf .

    They have just dated past the 3 month mark but my friend is telling me he is starting to have problems.

    It seems like he has told his gf his frustrations at work including the fact that colleagues take advantage of him.

    She is very unhappy and thinks he is useless to be taken advantage like that. She told him she won't want to be with a useless man.Apparently her mom knows about this and agrees too.

    Also the crazy thing is she wants to get married by end of this year! My friend is not sure cos they only dated a few months and they quarreled over it and she broke up with him.

    Now he is thinking of going back to her begging her to take him back and agreeing to get married this year.

    I'm telling him not to. The girl obviously has contempt for him and to get married so soon?

    tldr: friend's three month ago gf calls him useless and yet wants to marry him this year. She broke up with him but he is thinking of giving in and agreeing to get married .
     


  2. Staypositive

    Staypositive Active Member

    Thot ur a " know all"? Asking ppl for advice? Trying to set up another thread to distract others? Dun dare to admit your own mistakes and keeping quiet like a wimp?Call yourself a man.lol.
     
  3. Funnybelly

    Funnybelly New Member

    I would rather your friend be single and happy than married and bullied. Its starting already and it will go downhill from there since she doesn't see that as a good trait.
     
  4. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Yes that's what I said too. But can't blame him also as its his first relationship.
     
  5. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    hi, apart from being nice, your friend has a bad weakness. The inability to say no and decline his friends and acquaintances requests. Frankly, I was pretty much like this 20 years ago. Close friends tell me how others are making use of me. When I got to know my wife, she too share the same, that I'm being too nice till a point that I don't protect myself. She broke up with me. Reason, wasn't that I'm useless but she doesn't have confidence about a future. She don't see how I could protect her. That was a wake up call. I cold turkey myself. Reflect and realize this simple fact. Being kind to everyone is being cruel to those we love, they suffer in our expense and failure to prioritize. Yes, I still help whenever I can, however, knowing priorities is key. From finances to time, our resources are limited. Your friend shouldn't be thinking about his relationship. He needs to wake up and think about his priorities and values. What is important to him, what is he doing to pursue and defend it?
     
  6. life_is

    life_is Active Member

    Tell your friend not to get married to this woman. She and her mother will give him hell, scam him and live off him via divorce and women's charter. Tell her to cohabit first, make sure none of the in laws ever dare to interfere. The moment they try any tricks, break up with her and move on. There are plenty of women out there looking for bf. She can just get old and be left on the shelf if she disrespect him again. Tell your friend to have some guts to say no to the marriage until he is sure she will respect him and her mother to know her place. Until the woman is 100% committed to him and none of the extended family dare to interfere, don't even consider marriage. Your friend can do way better than this. I know for a fact because all my bachelor friends are having a good time and able to buy apartments and cars. A divorce to a man means losing a roof, children and having to take a pay cut to feed his children who he has zero rights to. Until he cannot even fend for himself. Tell your friend that this is his future if he does not stand up to such people.
     
  7. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    You are very wise my friend. I don't think all girls are like that, but this particular one seems likely to act the way you suggest.

    The disrespect so early gives it away.
     
  8. Infernolord

    Infernolord Active Member


    Gush its exactly how my exs said about me :(
    They feel that i m too nice to the extend i cant protect them.. I tried to change.. they said i have changed. i tried to ignored, they say i dun care. But care too much, they say i cannot protect them..
    haha then how?
     
  9. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    newproject, i guess you and i know how this should end right? he shouldn't be with this girl if she doesn't respect him. it doesn't matter if people take advantage of him, it's about how she can help him build up his self-esteem and encourage him to be a better person to stand up for himself. some people just need a push and if they have the right support especially from a loving gf, they will feel much more confident about themselves.

    the only reason why he opened up to her about all this is because he felt she was trustworthy and would support him with encouraging words. he shouldn't be called useless. from my last relationship, my ex did open up to me to complain about his work issues, i listened and agreed with him on the parts that he was correct. on the other issues that did not seem right and a bit out of line, i didn't chide him, i advised him to help him see from another perspective. he also listened and understood what i was saying.

    as a partner, we are to help the other person grow and encourage them to be better people. not to look down on them and make them feel small.
     
  10. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Brother, the thing is, we all change with time. Our experiences will mould us, our partners will influence us. So, why bother if your gf lament you change. What's impt is, whether the change is progressing positively or accumulating negativity? Don't change for others, change because you believe it is important and helpful for you. Protecting yourself doesn't mean ignoring others and stop caring and being helpful. Rather, its knowing how to manage expectations of others and having your own priorities right. You have your values, if you think you need to act, to help someone, do it. At the same time, if someone is manipulating you, you should have no issue to tell him/her off.
     
  11. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Infernolord and other singles take note!

    If you find a girl like that then yes cling on for dear life.

    Otherwise don't so clingy lah
     
  12. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    I wonder if that is a compliment to me? Haha. Just to break tension, have to laugh at ourselves a bit.
     
  13. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Is if what you write is true, who knows whether you as good as you say lol.

    But yeah finding a good girl isn't rocket science.

    She got to be good character and supportive , you have similar goals and compatibility and you attracted to each other.

    You find that girl..you hold on don't let go
     
  14. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    No one is 100% good that's why there is good and evil. All about balance.

    There are still good girls and guys out there and yes, what you've written is correct. If you find one, hold dearly on to them. In the first place, they would not intentionally hurt you nor leave you when things get tough.
     
  15. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    I usually judge people by intent. So if not on purpose can forgive.

    Also you are correct no one perfect..

    That's why the concept of a love tank is good.

    If your wife is always supportive and loving maybe say once a month a bit irritable ok lah..cos your love tank quite full can empty a bit.

    But I see people cling on at all costs to partners who are not even close to worth it. Or they try at all cost to fix.

    Why? Scared to be alone? Too idealistic ?
     
  16. miloice

    miloice Well-Known Member

    Glad that I cling on when I found my wife. When you strike gold, you need to realize and cherish it.
     
    ohmytego likes this.
  17. verysadguy

    verysadguy Member

    Hasty marriage would end up in divorce. Tell him to think thrice about it. If he only realises his folly after marriage, then he would not only lose the girl but half his asset as well. Don't add to the statistics of divorcee..
     
    Staypositive likes this.
  18. life_is

    life_is Active Member

    In some cases, like mine, it is ALL assets because I paid a lot in cash and all not counted. Be careful what you pay for in marriage. Just pay for the counted parts like mortgage and let the other party pay the rest. Then confirm win in divorce. Just stating facts so people know. Don't fall for things like how you should love and give. Protect yourself first.
     
  19. buddhabar

    buddhabar Active Member

    If you have to cling on to someone then you never had the person in the first place and will probably never . Clinging on is just prolonging miseries . Having said that, I've known of couples who cling on for lifetime.... sad to say for non marital factors.
     
  20. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Sigh he's a idiot.

    They together again planning rom Sept or oct

    He went to his gf house begged her back and she agree on various conditions.

    Suffice to say they are so crazy no normal person would agree. E.g. Give her allowance of 30% of his pay , after married she won't accompany him see his parents, for traditional wedding don't need serve tea to parents etc (think his gf and his parents got problems)

    They quarreling a lot now too. But he think is true love.. That once wedding over she will be more stable..

    I think I push my objection until my friend now don't want talk to me.

    I give up.
     
  21. life_is

    life_is Active Member

    Almost confirm will divorce and he will lose everything. She doesn't even respect his parents at all. Kind of like my ex also. She made my mum, who is a stroke victim, travel all the way to her mother place to see my kid instead of other way around. I can't wait to see how my ex suffer for her actions. Will be great to see her get stroke and suffer the consequences.
     
  22. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    Could you advise him to at least go through marriage counselling first with his fiancee? This way, they will try to have at least the same expectations and understanding.
     
  23. life_is

    life_is Active Member

    Marriage counselling is a joke. Go only if have a lot of free time. It's a common tactic to milk more out of divorce as the courts will think you tried. The whole system is a joke.
     
  24. Aj.tan

    Aj.tan Member

    Hmmm actually marriage prep course is pretty useful! Helps both sides to talk out difficult aspects. There's usually also a counsellor to facilitate to give suggestions.
     
  25. life_is

    life_is Active Member

    Only works on some people. I've seen how people can change overnight and forget everything they promised. Be selfish. Be a survivor. Don't embrace any lofty ideals because these are the people who lose out. Just live lives based on what the marriage system here recommends, which is to be selfish. No one will symphatise or help someone to stand up to a system that rewards selfish behaviour in marriage. So everyone should open their eyes and realise that a marriage is simply a contract of convenience, not to be taken seriously. No one ever got punished for a lot of things that go against the institution of marriage, so why bother? Think of how you can milk the spouse for all they are worth and drag them through the courts when they have nothing so you can pretty much gain whatever you want. That is the marriage system here.
     
  26. meowmeowcha

    meowmeowcha New Member

    sounds like hell just a signature away. RUN!!!
     
  27. minipork

    minipork Member

    WHAT??? sounds bad though. :eek:
    Why the girl liddat one
     
  28. sbella23

    sbella23 New Member

    Pity for ur friend...
    It's really bad sign of she, she's not supporter girl...
    Very bad for marriage, she will always blaming everything on him soon. Plus the mother act same..
    Rethinking abt that dude ...
     
  29. Joes

    Joes Member

    What will be, it will be. Let 'Fate' decide for the guy and the girl if they will end up together. :)
     
  30. Lostmoon

    Lostmoon New Member

    Your friend really needs to do some sports. It's great to be a nice guy, but our world is not for weak it's just sad true. I was like him 7 years ago, but the sport has helped me to become more confident and learn how to protect myself.
     
  31. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Update.

    I saw on fb my friend got married in Dec 2016!

    ROM only.
     
  32. littlepinkpointes

    littlepinkpointes Active Member

    Some people just have to learn it the hard way lor. They ask for advise we give but they don't heed, there's nothing we can do about it also. As a friend, you've done your part.

    I have friends who are like that too, don't like to hear the hard truth, ignore and went ahead (with whatever the issue is). I can only silently comment, "we told you so..."

    Their life their decision.
    :)
     
  33. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    I wonder how his idea has changed now that they are married. Is she really "stable" after tying the knot?
     
  34. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Going through divorce/ annulment? Shocker!

    He finally snapped after she became even more unreasonable. Charitably we could see it as her trying to push him away by placing more and more unreasonable demands.

    Hard not to tell him , told you so
     
  35. meiji5

    meiji5 Member

    *Jaw drops* Why in the first place did she agree to marry him if she is pushing him away with more demands?

    I feel sorry for your friend. He gave in all for her and she just continued going about her own way and rules.
     
  36. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Both are immature I guess? Her for not being firm enough to say no.

    Him for not realizing that there was a limit.
     

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