Mixed-race relationship...especially when it comes to marriage.

[azn]

by far and right, i've been reading about threads regarding this as my relationships has always been around chinese men.

well, i'm a malay muslim woman.my ex(buddhist) was a chinese, and so does my present(free thinker) bf.

i've been with my bf(talking about the present one) for 3 yrs now(not including that we were frens for 2 yrs).

like all common problems faced by mixed relationship, i've been thinking about marriage...for starters,i'm in a position that at times i practice my religion(prayers) and that my mom has doted me to be that good daughter(well not all the time i'm guai lah,juz that she's my mum afterall and i love her).

the problem is ive been thinking what my bf has said about once he converted, he would be married into my family(like he is being sent) instead of the other way around.

like from what i heard for chinese wedding,female is married into the male and hence the surname of the male is used as a whole family.i'm willing to take his surname for a choice cuz name isn't an issue.

hence he proposed a civil marriage cuz his mom is worried that he is being married away instead of me getting married away to him.as parents, of course they are concerned about their child's future wedding.i've met his parents and they are really nice and welcoming and we talked well.(i'm slowly learning chinese so that i can communicate better with his mum).we even had dinner together and it was really nice cuz i really feel at home like i'm part of his family.now and then i gave chinese sweet cakes to his mom during chinese new year or mooncake festival.

alright so i drift apart from the subject.well the point is i on the other hand does not believe in about marrying away or the other way around...or perhaps i didn't understand the concept of chinese procedure and wedding wise.he said he is sorry to be selfish in that way, but i have my own stand as well that im unable to go through civil marriage due to muslim law.we didn't fight on this instead,we juz try to have slow talk and trying to grasp each others view.

perhaps anyone can enlighten me about this chinese procedure about being married into his family and surnames?he told me, but i don't really understand that well.=p

i love him,i'm willing to work for this although it may take time.at the same time i'm also leaving up to fate.if things between us work, i'm grateful.if it's not,then im able to let this go.but on another note, i prefer to think more optimistic about this relationship.

i'm open for all comments...be it any religion,race,gender...after all we are singaporeans.

 

[saggitarian]

lets say a guy surname is Tan. the gf surname is lin.. so when married .. the gf name will be ADDRESS as Mrs tan and Ms lin.

Both of you go apply one hdb flat and stay out from both parents house.. then the marring in or out will not happen rite ?

but it is impossible for him not to be converted into a muslim family .. how are you 2 going to live together if he is still not cleanse (CUT u know what i mean) and what about the halal.. non halal utensil .. food all these ..

its still possible.. as cases are still happening . gd luck .. =)

 

[cuclainne]

nono, i married a foreigner who converted to islam but retained his birth name for professional purposes.

have you talked to him - whether his concern was just about the name or the fact that he needs to convert? religion can be quite a sensitive subject, even between two people who can be madly in love with each other.

converting doesn't mean that he has cut off ties from his family or that he ceased to be their son .. after marriage, you can take on his surname as your married name. whether you choose to legally change this by deed poll is up to you. i didn't for mine because i wanted to hold on to my maiden name - something that i'm proud to keep.

 

[azn]

saggi: thnx for the information. =)

cuclaine: yes, religion can be quite sensitive. well in both ways about name and conversion he didn't mind.we're just trying to find a win-win situation where both of our parents can be happy about the procedure of the marriage where by

his mom: that im married into his family instead of the other way around.

my mom: that converting is necessary.

well, i do understand that converting doesn't mean cut off his family ties of course and i don't intend to(a reminder that even my mum said converting doesn't mean cut off the ties from the family).

from what i thought is that both parties are marrying into each others family if it were to happen.but he thought that once he converted he would be married into my family instead of his...which is quite confusing for me to understand what he meant.

 

[cuclainne]

actually you'll both be marrying into each other's family - his side will gain a daughter-in-law, and yours, a son-in-law .. i also don't understand .. maybe it's a chinese custom?

 

[azn]

yeah that's what i thought:that is both marrying into each other's family.

guess another slow talk again lah the next time...headache.haha.

so was the procedure tough for your husband?the process of conversion that is.

 

[cuclainne]

my husband converted in his home country - it was only several months later that he converted, cos he had to make appointment to see the imam and he can only make it during lunch breaks.