Mindset on Wedding

Discussion in 'Matters Of The Heart' started by joyfel, Mar 14, 2019.

  1. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    Hi guys, i am planning for a wedding end of next yr but even before all the crazy planning and venue hunting happen, i already have quite a weird mindset abt the purpose of weddings and im not sure if this is normal and hope to get advice here.

    With my current bf for 4years now and wedding seems to be the next step (also due to my parents' pressure). 2 years ago i was rly keen on getting married soon, buy a house, spend some time alone before having kids. But now I am starting to have second thoughts abt it.

    Due to some last minute out of control issues with finances, both of us are tight on cash currently. Not poor but can still afford decent meals at restaurants (max $20/pax approx) sometimes.

    Also because of the above, I started to feel the below points:
    - I didn't want any banquet at first. Those are pointless as it's just a waste of cash which you're not guaranteed to recoup. (We still had to go with it because bf's side)
    - Wedding dinners do not guarantee how well your marriage will turn out. You can have the best wedding dinner, ring, proposal or the entire experience, trying to make it look as perfect as possible, but ultimately if your marriage ends up in ashes, so does all of the money you spent on that wedding dinner.
    - I didn't want engagement ring /diamond ring anymore as it is, again, money.... maybe maximum just a cheap wedding band if we really have to for the solemnisation.
    - Also do not need any proposal since we already bought our house and there's literally no way of backing out from that "unspoken" proposal since we signed the house (unless want to pay that penalty) lol.
    - whats the purpose of a proposal and a banquet? I don't see why girls / couples get so excited/dreamy and some even unrealistic expectations about it.
    - why bother going through all the hassle of the Guo Da Li or the traditions that follows?
    - why do people even get married?
    - why do people do all these just for a marriage that you have no guarantee how if it is really gg to be as how you imagined it to be and it's gonna be so much more hard work than whatever the heck you're putting in now.

    all of those things need money so why bother? I told my bf, save the money for the mortgage loan payments, and save those effort to help me out with our home & children in future.

    Before this, to me, a wedding banquet & a proposal is a must for me. I want to experience what friends / people on facebook posted. I wanted a wedding diamond ring & wedding bands. I was excited for the day to come when we start planning. I imagined how my proposal would be.

    Now that it is abt time, but with no luxury of spending much, i ended up thinking deeper and more abt the purpose of weddings and i became really disinterested in the whole thing. All these seems so negative and like I have no assurance / i have some serious trust issues??

    But I'm a girl lah, so i will still envision and expect a bit but that's abt it. I eventually felt that being more practical (as per points above) would be a more sensible thing to do. But at the same time, i do qn myself if i will ever regret this. Lol.

    A decent $40k budget for the entire wedding is possible in our limits. But whether isit $40k or $20k, regardless, it still doesn't change my mentality.

    Is this normal ? Do I have trust issues w marriage in general? Is it because he's not the one? Im not sure how to tell that apart either.

    Thank you.

  2. Chocogal

    Chocogal New Member

    Hi Joyfel,

    I am one of those that you mentioned... We or rather I spend most on the whole wedding.. well yes the marriage did not last at all.. we filed annulment after 3mths into e marriage. So.. yes you are right and now when I look back how expensive or how grand the wedding is doesnt really mean a beautiful marriage.

    After all the wedding or banquet is just a one or two day event, but marriage is a commitment thats for a life time. It requires both you and your partner to work on it. It's a lifetime contract.

    I hope you dont be too pressurized by the wedding preps. Most importantly is you need to be sure that this man is the man you really want to be with for the rest of your life. No matter how life changes so long as you both commit to working everything out that comes your way together in this new chapter.. don't worry too much about it if you feel he's the right one. wedding is jus a one day event. Marriage is a lifetime.
  3. Xinzi

    Xinzi New Member


    I have those kinds of thoughts too and I am planning to get married this year. But like what chocogal has said, it is important to really see if the person is suitable for you... The one that you think can be with you for the rest of your life and accompany you throughout the difficulties.

    Money has been tight for us too, as our house is ready suddenly. Thus, everything is being shifted forward. My mentality was the opposite of urs..At first, I thought that banquet is not important. But, after knowing that my parents are wishing to have a banquet and are really happy for us, we decided to go and have a small banquet of ten tables ( with arguments too).

    Money can slowly earn back, but wedding and proposal is only once in a lifetime. find something that you really like to do during the wedding process...It can be small little things to encourage you to move on. After the wedding or with the wedding preparation almost ready, hope you will feel much better.

    Hope it helps:)
  4. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    I am sorry to hear about your situation and I hope for strength in you. It must have been a difficult decision for the both of you. If I may, how did you finally decided that annulment was what you wanted?

    What you said resonates with me that life changes and both commit to working everything out. The issue I have now seems to stem from the fact that I am unsure if he is the one?? I have seen my own parents divorce, my sibling's divorce and friends struggling to manage work+kids while their husbands do whatever they like (and of course, not helping), relatives cheating on their spouses or not speaking with each other causing much confusion for the poor child. Since young, I thought seeing all these is not going to affect how i define my own "perfect" marriage, which i really didn't get affected, until now this one time when my own wedding is on the table.

    I am just afraid i marry the "wrong" person I guess. Plus the fact that we are tight on cash because of unforeseen circumstances, my own "ideal" wedding the bubble just burst already.

    And thank you for offering your advice!
  5. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    Thank you, i do agree once in a lifetime and it should be an enjoyable process. I am not sure what I will enjoy..... I guess I will take time to know the small things that will help me feel better with the planning, and possibly change my whole perception of it.
    How do you know if he's really the one? Do you guys have arguments still? I am not sure if i feel unsure abt the relationship is just a phase that many couples go through due to it being too long term and you start to take each other for granted, which eventually make me feel like I just dread the whole wedding and marriage thing.
  6. Chocogal

    Chocogal New Member

    Hi Joyfel,

    Well I am also like you being tied down cause of the flat coming soon. Though I hesitated to proceed with the wedding but all our relatives already know we were getting married and I do not wish to disappoint my parents especially .I hoped that after wedding all will be better since planning for a wedding is not easy. Alot conflicts came along and probably I got to know this man who's going to be my future hubby better.

    Before the wedding I already have thoughts about backing up..cause he gamble and always accumulate debts.. I was blinded by love ...And the thought of my parents having to face up to relatives with questions etc (if the wedding will be cancelled), we proceeded with the wedding. Things were okay for the first two weeks.. but we started to quarrel everyday and I came to find out many things that's he's lying to me. I always have to explain myself for things that I did or do not do. It wasn't like that when we first started.. he painted alot of beautiful pictures and plans ahead..

    He started having anger management issues and I always feel living by the days at his mercy..It's really very hard, and I know I have reached my limit and this is really not the kind of life I want. A lifetime is really too long to commit to this kind of marriage.. as least not for me and I am not someone who's okay to keep holding on to a marriage that I am not happy everyday at all.. I became more alone and sad even after the wedding..

    Everyone has their limit and I have reached mine. It's OK to be alone and happier than be in a marriage that I am not happy at all. He thought I will never file for annulment or divorce cause he feels that I always just say and will stick to him cause of the house that's going to be ready soon and that I love him too much to file for a divorce or annulment.

    It wasn't easy really to come peace with your own fears and reality. But I hope you don't go through the same experience with me really. We sign the piece of paper to be happier thinking we found the one. But I choose to sign the piece of paper that cost 3k to redeem my freedom from the wrong decision I made.

    It's been a year since I walked out of him I never regret making that Decision..

    Sorry for the long message. Just wish to share cause I hope no one goes through the same experience like me..

    I wish you will communicate better with your hubby to be and have a happy marriage with him.

    Jia you!
  7. Xinzi

    Xinzi New Member

    My dad always told me that I will not know if the person is really the one for me or true to me until one dies. Because the person may be lying and we are not worms in their body to see the person's thoughts.

    To me, I feel that it is not really about the one for me. I believe that it is a fate to me and through the interactions and years, he makes me comfortable and feel that I will be able to go through difficult times with him. The most important thing is that when I am facing some difficulties or experiencing happiness, I want him to be there for me, tgt with my family. Perhaps, you can do this: when you think of him, will you smile? Or even if you complain about him, do u really mean it? Did he shows effort in maintaining the rs, as maintaining is needed even if in marriage? So if he maintains or does things in actions and not words...

    Or think in another way, if there is no issue in wedding, do you still think he suits you? Or there are still many things in the everyday life that makes you unhappy. Marriage is about happiness so if during the dating, you feel unhappy then perhaps no point to continue. But if you feel unhappy only during the preparation, just try to hang on and talk it out with them.

    Sometimes, we do argue. We had a major argument recently, because both of us are very tired. But before we started out, we agree that argument should end within 24 hours. Either one has to give in at the end of the argument or at least talk it out to understand each other thoughts. So we make a promise to each other saying that no matter what no one should say words of giving up. If one is busy, the other will try to change and help each other. Ultimately, what is most impt: ppl, money, family, happiness. One will have to give up something to get another thing... If is about money, try to cut things down in other things.

    Hope it helps...
  8. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    You have to really try to be clear to yourself what you are worrying about.

    Are you in a situation where everything is generally fine but you are worrying in general because it's a big change, lots of people have failed marriages and ultimately even if you are happy now , who can tell what the future brings?

    Or are in a r/s with a ton of red flags where you feel pressured into marriage cos will lose face if back out and/or worse you hope things get better after marriage (giant huge red flag in my experience).

    I don't know you enough but so far I think you are the former. Are you the type that always worry unnecessarily ? Pessimist?

    As for choice of budget to spend on wedding it's a personal choice no right or wrong. BTW 40k for a wedding budget is not that small unless you planning at really top hotel and a lot of tables.

    I do note some of the things you mention like gatecrash, guodali can be not that expensive really.

    EDIT importantly do you really love this man? Not just comfortable and nice but LOVE. As in you would sacrfrice yourself for him ..

    Pls don't marry him if you have no many doubts.
  9. Eggwhite

    Eggwhite New Member

    If you love this man after much thoughts and same wise for him to you to spend the life together...build a family....etc go for it. Wedding is just a process...enjoy the process....this process can be simple...can be complex ...can be cheap..can be expensive. Work it out with your HTB comfortably. The person you are marrying is more important than your process.

    Getting married is a BIG MILESTONE for both for your lives. Mainting it through different stages would need to have alot of efforts and commitment.

    Just remember the vows deeply....

    We all dont have crystal ballls to see what happens next 10 years down...20 years down etc.
    What you decided will affect your life.
    What you do is your own decision.
    The more you worry about the outcome..the more you will worry.... worries ⁰never ends.
    Be happy with your decision is what it matters most and be brave about it.
  10. rip_curl

    rip_curl Member

    Male or Female, if you read enough of this particular section of this forum, you will know there were so many stories behind marriage. I hope everyone can gain from all these sad stories. The pain of a failed marriage will be eternity be it 10, 20 or 30 years later. Its never fair cause everyone has their own reason why they want out. So marriage is just a new unknown journey and most important you have to communicate and acknowledge the mundane-ness of a married life especially in our society. When kids come into the picture, its another new journey. Simplicity is bliss and your life can still be happy as it is rather than trying to paint a happy family/marriage when infact its not. We all already know inside if there is already some cracks, fix it asap before the cracks get too big to fix.
  11. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    4 years and we still argue like once every month - can be over small things as well, and even the way we communicate to each other tend to be misunderstood - or isit that we still dont know each other in and out so well. Thank you for your pointers. It helps me to think though more.
  12. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    Yes, you are right. You're good at reading people! I tend to worry more about things, especially when I don't feel confident about it. Maybe I am just not confident over the rship even after 4 years, or if he will change after marriage. I wonder if there's anything related to marriage/kids that needs to be discussed before the wedding which may help remove some worries that I have. Or going to pre-marriage counselling helps?

    I just tot like marriage will be the same as when before wedding. But of course with kids, priorities will change and that will be another ball game. (Okay seriously I think I might be over worrying?)

    Not planning at a top hotel as they are charging exorbitant pricing. We are looking at anything less than $1k per table for year 2020 and we have 35 tables. So essentially we have the chinese / cantonese restaurants choices mostly (which was not what I ever wanted for my own wedding while I was growing up but when life hits you, you don't have much of a choice and I dont want to be in a debt just for a wedding)

    Am also dropping gatecrash, too much hassle- but the guodali cannot be avoided cos of my mum.

    To the last edit part of your qn: It is really about habit ? Every weekend we see each other and spend the time together. It has grown to a comfort level (which I think is supposed to be like that?). Of course if he needs help I will be there and through his happy or sadness I want to be there also. I would not like it if I was not his priority. Haha.

    I just thought like people feel generally happy planning their wedding of a lifetime but yet I see nothing but a hassle and full of "???" in my head which is why I posted in the forum.
  13. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    Thank you Eggwhite. This is very useful as well, esp your last paragraph.

    I am wondering probably I am the one who might be commitment-phobic. lol.
  14. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    35 tables is towards bigger side. Either you have a lot of relatives or friends (typically if family has business). I would recommend unless really close don't need invite . A lot of them will actually prefer ..thay.

    You know people usually only show happy stuff on Facebook? It's the same with weddings. I know for a fact weddings are stressful for a lot of couples particularly if finances are tight or worse there is disagreement between couples. If not that interference by family

    When I got married finances weren't that much of my issue , my wife is a easy going person , my in laws and my parents were the same and things went smoothly.

    But I can tell you even for us there were a few unhappy moments (regarding extended family), stressful moments etc

    In the end though the marriage is what is important, the wedding is just one day, and I can see why a lot of people get jaded over the wedding.

    For me the wedding was something I looked forward too because I know my wife had seen many of her friends get married before her and now it was her time. I was also proud to show the world my lovely bride.

    But most importantly I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together without me shuffling from East end of island to West just to see her!

    Before ROM you are actually recommended to go for marriage preparation courses. The one I did was over 2 weekends. You should definitely do it that will give you peace of mind

    As for questions to discuss you can Google questions to ask before marriage and look through together. Typically things to do with finances, where to live, kids (arrangements) working etc..

    As we have told you none of us can predict the future but at least discussing some typical future concerns might help

    My sense is your r/s is fine you just having a case of pre wedding jitters.

    That said I know of girls who get married and change their minds and anull breaking the hearts of the guy.

    Please don't be such a person.
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2019
  15. newproject

    newproject Active Member

    Quarrel once a month seems a bit concerning. I'm assuming this is pre-wedding discussions (wedding arrangements inevitably leads to disagreement)

    But what happens during a "quarrel". How you two conduct yourselves in a quarrel may be as important as how freq it happens
  16. joyfel

    joyfel New Member

    yah exactly, I only have like 11 tables - close friends n relatives (whom my mum feels can afford to pay for the angbao)..... so his side is like.... i got a shock. But it is his grandparents' wishes and i cannot ask him to trim it down. to be fair, 2 tables for "reserve" so we probably can trim it down a lil further.

    Noted on that. Thank you.

    I will definitely try not to be like that...

    Sometimes things like, he's mindlessly gaming for hours on end which i hate because it is just wasting precious free time away doing meaningless things. He does not practice moderation.
    Or, how we need to split the housework in future - he thinks hiring part time helper but for me, i prefer saving the money and splitting the work.
    Or, small little things like the way we talk to each other - sometimes he thinks im upset when im not and then we both get upset (vice versa). Usually this happens a lot. to a point i feel our communication with each other sucks.
    How he does not like me telling him off (I need to tahan him ignoring me/cold to me for hours for things I said which is not my fault)
    He's like a "woodblock", a very logical man, while I am very emotional - so there's that..

    Usually either one of us gets mad, ignore each other. If it's a bit serious, we take 1-2days to cool off. But I do try to think in his perspective when I cool down. And we will talk it out. Because we know we say mean things when we are angry.

    May I add that this 1 yr every time theres major argument come up, i keep questioning myself if i made the right decision.

  17. coldjade

    coldjade Active Member

    I think it's inevitable that we have doubts before we make such a big decision.
    But unfortunately marriage is a thing you really won't know until you do it.

    I also had doubts and was upset with many things with regards to my upcoming wedding.
    At first I thought we can get married when our BTO is ready, but we end up getting married 2 years before it will be ready.
    Then I wanted a simple wedding, maybe a lunch at a nice place, but HTB side is traditional and wants a full church ceremony + banquet dinner.
    Basically most decisions are his parents' decisions.

    I didn't enjoy a single bit of wedding prep.

    A colleague recently asked me how I was doing when we met at the canteen, I said "Busy with wedding prep, so mafan, can't wait for it to end."
    She then smiled and said, "Try to enjoy it yah? Because once you get married you will realise wedding prep, wedding, and the arguments that come with it, were all such a small but rather fun part of your life. It's a first world problem."

    Ever since then I tried to enjoy as much as I could. Even the wedding shoot which I didn't want, or the food tasting at the hotel which I didn't choose.
    I spoke to my HTB, say I feel upset as my say in this wedding is really small and I am trying very hard to cope. He listened and started to "fight" for me. Like he didn't allow his parents to change the dishes at food tasting, let me decide the flowers decor (he knows I love flowers) and the theme colour for banquet decor etc. Small but means a lot to me. Most importantly, it means even more that he is "fighting" for me.

    End of the day communication is key. And it's important to find blessing within all these "ordeal".

    Also, I agree that wedding prep course is important. Many people might think it's unnecessary, I was like that too, but I realised the topics there helped us convey many things we wanted our partner to know and understand.

    All the best!

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