i dun like ranters... especially those who spend their whole life ranting... and when i see them in the coffin, all i can rem is that they spend their life ranting, whining, complaining and doing absolutely fcuk-all about things... but i also realise that they may not have been brought up in an environment where they could actually do something abt it, or Know that they can do something abt it.
thing is, i believe u're not from that era of those women... and u have every ability to take stock of where u're at, where u'll be going, and how u wanna be when u lie in that coffin. u have not been sentenced to life-imprisonment with your MIL as the warden, and your husband as the prison officer who is afraid to stand up for u. i see that the doors are open and it is really up to u If u wanna change things, or just walk out.
i believe u when u say that u are unable to find solution other than the one which requires a rather massive outlay... so to be fair, let's focus on the person most impt here... You.
whether right, whether wrong, i think we all have the right to happiness... of cos i Do point out when pple are wrong, in this case i do think u can be sometimes deliberately be more obstinate than u should towards her... but since that's an approach that won't change, and since your MIL isn't exactly mary poppins, then i dun think it's entirely wrong. i do take on senior pple from time to time, just that often, i manage to win them over before ever needing to go head-on.
now seriously, u know u have only 1 life, u read books that questions religion in a deeper fashion, and u know where u stand... What is stopping u? stopping u from living life... stopping u from leaving the prison?
Miyako, it works both ways. Basically, I realized how compatible and magical it is for us. Its not just the sparks. We are very happy and good together. We become better and have with bigger dreams as a couple.
Anyway, the thread isn't about me. It was intended as a clarification to Galileo to help her realize that she doesn't read people well at all. And its a far cry from what she actually perceived.
like most of the guys here, i personally feel that as husband and son to both parties, we have a very impt part to play, if not crucial. i'm quite amazed when i hear of husband-stories from this forum, who dun seem to take a proactive step to resolve issues, but just sweep under carpet and hope somehow things will work out... becos it never does.
whilst the basic respect for elders must be there, it should never be one-sided and not the case when one party continually tries to 'makan' the other party. if we can't even protect our wives from the tyranny of our parents, or relatives, especially those acidic ones like during CNY, then i think we fail in our basic role as husbands. we dun need to be on the offensive, but we can definitely shield or buffer, and if need be take pre-emptive measures.
no point taking sides for the sake of it, no point using frens' MILs as examples, cos as much as i realise some MILs can be painful... i also know some DILs can be rather wilful. so it will never end if we go by the wrong/right path becos there's never absolute right nor wrong.. which in most cases pple will try to steer towards. the misunderstandings and fights tend to overlap...
"He says he wants harmony.My husband is a very good man, good in everything, no bad habits, an enterprising man who have high dreams, mild to almost no temper man, no philandering, no clubbing, no friends, very homely, and quite nice looking, tall and lanky, and financially stable, although not filthy rich, a promising man
but except that when coming to family matters, HE IS A WIMP!!!!!!!!!!!!! "
Tell me who doesn't want harmony but want fights everyday? A person that does nothing to protect the very ones he loves. Very 'good' indeed. Is he really good or 'good' in the sense she can easily eat him everytime and he will just give in. He is hopeless in dealing with his own mother. No confidence and dare not take the initiative to change. TS likewise, only want to rant but keep within the self created box. So, why call him a whimp when she is so also not willing to do what it takes to invoke changes. Engaging in daily fights don't make her less a whimp than her husband. Do what is needed to make that difference in your lives and stop the petty fights. Its pointless.
Also, don't need to keep saying you don't start the fights. Grow up, do you not see the similarity with kid fights insisting that the other party started it first?
Wah So many divorcees here. Actually I thought being single got its benefits too, I can go out with any intellectual and attractive guy, and fine dining and the courtship process.
I hardly go fine dining with my hubby, I am a parsimonious person, I stinge on everything, sometimes my hubby want fine dining, I didnt want. As if you do cook at home, you will realise fine dining really expensive. Of course you are paying for better quality food and ambience.
Actually, I think in this era, most people novelty wears off easily, that is probably why so many divorces nowadays. I guess when the novelty wore off, couples start to find faults, pick fights and give reasons like irreconcilable differences.
Maybe having kids can make the marriage bond stronger.
Milo, I see.. So things improve between you and your wife after a quarrel or fight?
I'm actually quite a fiery person and snap at my bf quite often. I don't know if our rs is improving but mostly, my bf will sayang me and I will be ok. Of course there are times when things get blown out of proportion. That's when our rs is put to test.
From what you shared, I'm visualizing that I'm your wife and my bf is you. Definitely not easy to handle. So seeing you are blissfully married and overcoming these odds tells me that nothing is impossible.
actually, there is no need to quarrel. She will get over it after a while. She just need time and space to cool down. I will just approach her with the topic when she is in a better mood and we improve with time and practice. One can see the progress. The need to be upset over the same kind of things lessens. As we look back through the yrs, we laughed at how we used to 'fight' over such trivial matters.
Galileo, why are you so hard on yourself after marriage?
Its good to save. But, its even more important to earn more. And I don't quite agree to go to the extend of compromising your quality of life. Date your husband and your friends and family more. Enjoy quality time with your family in ways you all enjoy. Its pointless to save for the rainy days when your loved ones are no longer around to share the fruits with you. Cherish every moment you have with them.
Ting Yi, yes, Its because I am too thrifty and stingy thats why I feel a big pinch to let my husband buy a house for his parents. Albeit its his money,but it will definitely affect us in the long run. And with the new property guideline complicates matter.
Milo, I adhere to my frugal spending habits as I was once very extravagant, only in recent years then I realised the importance of being thrifty.
Being extravagant is my nature, once I start being spendrift, I may go back to old days of spending money like water. I am working hard to refrain from lavishing myself with luxurious lifestyle.
One does not need to go into the extremes. Pamper yourself and loved one without bursting your budget... do so with what you can afford. If you have always been wishing to bring your parents for a trip. Do it, they might not be always healthy enough to travel.
My dad was alive and kicking one day and dead another. Life is fragile.
the term thrifty isn't exactly an appropriate word to use here... not really a word to use for buying a home that is necessary. in any case if this ends in divorce, u're also not gonna be getting much financials out of it.
it's one thing to be thrifty, it's another thing to hoard money for the sake of insecurity. a squirrel that knows where to find food during winter, is unlikely to need to store alot of food to get past winter... In other words, knowing how to earn money is as crucial as learning how to save it. being frugal n thrifty is meant for pple with little or No Means of earning good income, less meant for younger n better equipped pple like us with the world at our feet if we want it to be.
think hard, dun hold on to values that dun hold value over time.
proliferate means a rapid increase. there is no 'suddenness' implied. words have meanings and they don't change because you have a preference. by all means use uncommon words but use them appropriately and sparingly. when you write like a walking thesaurus, people know you are a blow hard and trying too hard to impress. especially when your command of the english language is obviously weak to begin with.
Maybe I used the word proliferate wrongly, but you dont have to make it sound like my English is really abysmal.
Who? Me? wrote
"why do you use words like abode, propensity, proliferating, etc.? we don't live in the 19th century anymore and you don't own a weapon of mass destruction"
May Ong wrote:
"why are we critiqueing her English? why the lecture on vocabulary?
she has her own style. i find her bombastic style unique and fun to read in a way. much more fun than the flat and dry and uninspired prose most of us write in"
Propensity and abode, I am sure I didnt use it wrongly, and what has it got to do with nineteenth century? These two words are commonly used in Straits Times and novel, etc and by the way, it does not mean you dont comprehend propensity and abode, meaning others dont, and not that I am trying hard to impress, but I am just trying to put the vocabulary words I learn into use, I think May Ong does understand what I am writing, and she probably understand definition of propensity and abode.
Maybe you can read all the posts I post on this thread, I do write simple English at times, I just write whatever comes into mind.
Powder, the definition of thrify meaning careful about spending and not wasting money, to me, buying a house for pil is a waste of money, as they are being invited to stay with their other sons, but pil still insist we buy a house for them. My husband and me got future plans, and we need money for retirement.
And my husband is not rich enough to buy them resale HDB, a resale two room HDB cost about two hundred k, and my husband has to pay all in cash to buy it under their name, you think its so easy to fork out two hundred k at once?
Yes, I agree with galileo that buying a house is not like buying a tv, its a huge cash outlay and longterm financial commitment that might not work well for them if they want to start their own family. Moreover, parents belong to everyone, why should be only her hubby paying it. I think her pil is just trying to make thing difficult for her, not as if they have no where to go but they insist her hubby to buy a house for them if they don't want to stay with them. Should not entertain such nonsence.
Outcast, you are absolutely right. I also think that my pil deliberately make things difficult for us. She complained that after my husband married me, he gave her less money, she said I brainwashed my husband into giving her less money.
Mil and me have differences in household matters. We often have conflicts in household chores or where should this and that be placed.
She is bitter and sour that my husband gave majority of power to me in handling household matters, so she kept insisting my husband buy a flat for them. She wants house keys to all her sons houses, and she asks to occupy a room in every of her children house. She said she wanted to stay rotationally, but she only goes to her other son house to stay once in a blue moon.
Pil often tell her sons and Dils that filial piety is of paramount importance, they said by giving parents generous amount of money will bring many good luck and prosperity for us juniors in future. And they often reiterate this on many occasions, especially in my presence.
When her sons got married, they gave nothing to dils except for a hongbao. No jewellery, nothing.
ya, i will just endure that my in law judged me as a bad dil. In their eyes, I am always wrong no matter what. The animosity feelings between me and pil has always been there for many years.
There is no way to bury the hatchet, even to patch up is just on surface, the hard feelings are always there.
The heart knot can never be opened. Now I try to minimise contact with them, I dont talk to them unless its really necessary.
I could understand that feeling very well. We actually endured for 3 years before finally moving out in Jan this yr away from my own mum and not my in-laws. My mum had severe depression due to her tinnitus. Worse still, we can't talk back or agitate her, she won't hesitate to tear down the house. In fact I work only just to avoid her. Once I had a headache and i took MC home to rest and she nagged non-stop until I ran out of the house. My tolerance level is very high and I highly suspected that it's train by her.
The final straw came when she scolded my hb for nothing while he's watching tv.
I knew that my hb had been unhappy staying together throughout the years. I initiated to move out this Jan despite that we will be moving overseas next Jan.
After moving out, everyone including her is much happier too, our r/s improve and also she kept her illness under control.
I don't know, for me, life is short and I don't want to force myself to live miserably for long term, just imagine after a hard day work, home should be a place for us to relax and recuperate but we have to yet tense and gear up to face another battle, how to be happy? Its bad for our health in the long run. Life is too short to waste time on people that deliberately give us trouble, if we try to be nice but they don't reciprocate and try to be nasty, then hubby need to do something to improve the situation, if not, you can't have best of both world, something need to give after sometime...a choice has to be make...we got to ask ourself whether is it worth it to endure such shit for next 5, 10, 20 years...sorry...I don't have such patient.
what good is knowing that life is short... when u choose to life in environment where u cannot exercise the doctrines that give meaning to the phrase "Life is Short"?
u dun like the environment, u either change it or get out of it. i suppose if change is impossible without exhausting a decade of our life, then getting out might be a more viable option... becos Life IS Short, isn't it?
what good is telling everyone life is short, and every single whine n complaint - centres around u not being able to fully comprehend the deper meaning of that sentence?
what good is saying life is short and u go back home to the same fcuked-up environment?
what good is saying life is short and every possible alternative is being dismissed as too hard or impossible? and u stick to the same life.
so yes, definitely... i too would not have such patience...
Even I hide in room, but knowing their presence in house, I also feel unhappy and uneasy.
This kind of mental torture is everyday. When they not in, I am fine, when they home, I could feel the pressure in me. Never stay with in laws. But what happen when pil has no financial capability to buy own house and the only alternative is to buy a flat for them which is not within our means?
No choice lor... Endure lor.... My pil very quarrelsome. My husband and I never ask them shift out, but they keep accusing us of wanting to drive them out of house.
i don't think you will listen to this because you are in the "ranting" state of mind now.
but i still have to say this, perhaps to help other readers, or to reinforce my own belief.
if you want to be a truly successful person, you have to take charge of your emotional response to external triggers.
have you met some people who remain calm no matter how panicky the situation is, who never lash out in anger when offended, who never complains in the face of difficult people and situations, who never badmouth other people? they are always at ease with themselves and IN CONTROL.
it is not that they are blessed with a better situation than you. it is not that they are born with a better temperament.
it is just that they know what is ultimately most important - self-control and discipline over ones mental and emotional reactions. they don't give a damn or a second thought to people who do not deserve it. as they overcome bullying with dignity, there is nothing to stay angry over, because they never shortchange themselves.
and most of all, they forgive those who are weaker than themselves, and they forgive themselves for being less than perfect too.
these are the people who are surrounded by an aura of glamour or even charisma. they seem to be ABOVE it all. because of their self-confidence which is unshakeable and as sturdy as steel.
as they don't meddle with the small stuff, they become giants.
i have ever encountered a pair of MIL-DIL. the grudge between them was so deep that the DIL's health broke down and she developed cancer after many years of emotional torment. as for the MIL, she was abandoned in old age and she cursed her DIL every day till she died.
if you do not resolve to take charge of yourself and the situation, this tragedy could duplicate itself in your family.
you might become the DIL with the ill health, or your MIL might be crying everyday in the old folks' home while cursing you under her breath.
is this the scenario you want for yourself? three years, five years later, will you still be struggling with the same problem worsened, or do you want a breakthrough?
why don't you challenge yourself to aim for the best possible? the best emotional management on your own part, while seeking a practical solution for the problem at hand?
also, in the core of that bagload of negative feelings you are carrying on your shoulders everyday, is frustration with yourself.
i think behind all the hatred towards the MIL, is ultimately a frustration with yourself for not managing the situation.
like you yourself say, you are not entirely blameless.
we cannot control other people nor are we responsible for them. we cannot predict them.
but you are your biggest resource.
within your mind and your hands is the potential of answers and solutions.
by letting this situation persists, how are you to account to yourself? how are you going to face yourself? how are you going to answer yourself? is this your dream life? or is your dream life getting more and more distant to you?
your MIL is not going to apologise for anything that happened.
your MIL is not responsible for your happiness. you are.
I have suggested some very mid-term measures like shifting out and staying in rental for 2 years and see how it goes. What so difficult? She kept insisting that in-laws want them to buy them a flat once they shift out. Why so? Let them stay in current house and just shift out to rental to buy some time.
She is only wanting to rant and not looking at the solution.
It is possible to improve the relationship between MIL and DIL - but it will require a lot of patience and understanding and will take a long time. It is much easier not to stay together and much easier to improve relationship in such a manner.
You know. You have to take charge of your life. You can rant and rant and it won't change anything. You can give up your life to you MIL, or you can do something.