Mils bullying Dils with words!!!

[galileo_girl]

After dwelling in same abode with PIL for many years which is a sheer purgatory,I have learnt an important lesson, which is irrational ballistic emotional behavourial flared up and heated quarrel does not salvage problem with in law,but instead giving them an opportunity to justify that I am a bad Dil, so a calm and diplomatic mindset will intimidate them to be wary of me and not trying all means to torture me mentally in the past.

My relationship with my mil is the worst, although we do not engaged in heated quarrel nowadays,but in our heart, we detest each other and we simply cannot see eye to eye. We can talk for ten minutes, but if put us in a lengthy conversation for an hour, we would be beating about the bush, saying negative comments to insinuate to each other without triggering a quarrel. But in my heart, I felt very bitter and sour towards her, I hate it whenever I call her mother.

Last time, I was very gullible and naive,my mil have the propensity to implant thoughts in me that I married into a good family, and also she likes to blow her trumpet about what a good mil she is, how unworthy and degrading I am for her son, and how lousy I am compared to the rest of my sil.In fact, there is a time she antagonise me deeply by saying that I am useless, a good for nothing. All I know is after I got married into her family, I developed inferiority complex and low self esteem about myself, I felt very indignant, its not like i married into a doctorate family, or any affluent family. My Pil cannot even converse in English, neither are they knowleageable,they are uneducated and poor looking old folks. Its not that I belittle them, it is fine with me if they dont have good credentials, but most important is how they treat Dil.Pil simply like to put their family on high pedestal, and last time used to hurl insults and criticism at me,really torturing.

Got many times I contemplate about divorce, until today I cannot accept my in laws.Living with in laws exacerbate my marriage problems with my husband. I spent alot of time ranting and pouring out grouses to him about his family.

My advise to all is never stay with in laws. I do not want to generalise, but I have many encounters since young till now witnessing the tension of in laws staying together.I have heard complaints even form friends who are not staying with in laws. In fact, if relationship with Pil is strained, naturally, the rest of the in law also hated me, but I am still lucky as I have a sil who also hated my mil. We often gossip and pour grouses to each other about Mil.

Last few days, my mil tried to cajole me into burying the hatchet and patching up with my bil who is her son. My bil turned very nasty at me with swearing and agressive threats over a dosmestic issue, which is actually not any of his business and not any problem at all. My mil expect me to meet him and acknowledged his presence. she wants me to eat humble pie, telling me that her son is extremely obdurate by nature and will never made the first approach.Mil tells me that if I make first approach to patch with him , I will be considered very noble. So I tell her I will never do that as her son owes me an apology and I think its not worth me doing that. Then she started to turn sour, she told me her friend Dil often help to mediate problems among the in laws. So I tell her that her friend is a good MIl thats why her dil do that for her. I am sure she knows what I am driving at, I am trying to tell her that she is not a good mil to me and I will never do that for her.

What I learnt is that if mil keep saying negative things insinuating to me about how bad I am, hurting me indirectly and act nonchalant about it, I also reciprocate what she has given me. Dont tolerate Mils especially if they do it often. People who deliberately say things to hurt others frequently are doing it out of malice and are not worthy of your respect. By giving them the ultimate respect tolerating and not refuting their words will not improve the situation but only turns out to be a fiasco, ruining your own life. Why should I let my mil gloat and put herself on high pedestal at the expense of my misery?

So I learnt to be smart, since she like to hurt me indirectly, I just reciprocate.When she criticise me, I just defend myself in a diplomatic way, or sometimes I even tell her off. Imagine this, if I dont refute my mil, I suffered in silence, as my husband does not take sides and he will not speak up for me. But if I refute her, I feel better about myself, al least I feel less indignant, its like I fought justice for myself. My mil may be elderly folk, but that does not mean she can chastise me or make crude remarks to me, I have to protect myself from her inflicting pains onto me, its my prerogative, we are now living in modern era, and we should not be at the mercy of MIls!!!!!

I am not trying to instigate Dils to go against Mils,as I reiterate that if your Mils has the propensity to make nasty remarks to you either directly or indirectly on a frequent basis, dont suffer in silence. Just retialiate back in a calm composure. Show them that you are not at their mercy!!!!

 

[kittenpie]

Ms Galileo,

I agree 101% with you.

life is short. no man or woman should have to endure such stupid domestic issues in silence. always retaliate where fit.

however, i have one HUGE question for you.

why did you subject yourself to "After dwelling in same abode with PIL for many years which is a sheer purgatory"

 

[galileo_girl]

Pil do not have financial capability to buy their own house, so I have to stay with them.
That is why I am contemplating about divorce at times.

I read your other posts, you mention dealing with mil have to be firm and assertive, I totally agree with you, we share many sentiments together, living under same roof in a limited space is indeed a difficult ordeal.

 

[miloice]

Why is your spouse allowing the bad attitude?

Stop thinking its so damn clever and witty with your diplomatic rebukes. Frankly, I see 2 petty women engaging is silly battles.

Negativity only encourages more negativity. My advise is to think over what the hell is your partner doing about it. If he isn't and just expecting you to endure, then why are you even still in marriage with such a man?

Look at the big picture. Does engaging in daily silly battles such as this value add to your life? If you cannot tahan, leave.

 

[galileo_girl]

I can describe my life staying with mil. Every minute spend with her is a tension, we are both melodramatic,she and me being the protagonist, we having preliminary surmise over whatever each other said or done, we pretend to talk to each other out of sheer obligatory, we endured each other till patience wearing thin, like awaiting for a bomb to be detonated.

 

[kittenpie]

PIL expect DIL to ingratiate themselves to them.

well ... if the PIL has bestowed upon the DIL abundantly with kindness and gifts, then of course the DIL will ingratiate herself to them.

poor and stingy IL need not apply.

 

[stanzza]

You have learned plenty.

For guys there is only one thing to learn. Don't marry local girls LOL~

Na, you can't choose ur family you r born into but you can choose your wife.

I'll choose to dump woman whom cannot adapt into family everytime.

 

[kittenpie]

Ms Galileo,

the key solution now is to get rid of the IL.

get accomodation for them and send them away.

they are affecting your quality of life.

 

[infojunkie]

a declaration of war against evil MILs

wow...

 

[kittenpie]

stanzza (stanzza)
Junior Member
Username: stanzza

Post Number: 307
Registered: 7-2010
Posted on Tuesday, October 05, 2010 - 9:35 am:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have learned plenty.

For guys there is only one thing to learn. Don't marry local girls LOL~

Na, you can't choose ur family you r born into but you can choose your wife.

I'll choose to dump woman whom cannot adapt into family everytime.

===============================================

we know lah.

that is why you can marry a woman who happily wash toilets for your parents.

 

[stanzza]

Wow May,

get rid of in law. Get rid of wife la.

 

[miloice]

stanzza, adapting is both ways. Yes, spouse need to be understanding and willing to accept your parents. But as a husband, protecting and understanding your wife is your responsibility.

When the support isn't there, its hard for any woman to just endure. And frankly, its plain selfish. The man just want to enjoy the best of both worlds and let the 2 women settle it themselves.

May, should be getting rid of the lousy husband.

 

[kittenpie]

Ms Galileo,

you can ignore what Milo insinuated about you acting smart-alec and being silly. he is condemning you without appreciating the facts you have built up.

i dont think you are silly because you are now dealing with the type of MIL who keeps making a nuisance of herself by doing things like - forcing you to apologise to BIL when it is not your fault.

but now let's think of a solution.

i dont think it is healthy for your life to continue as it is.

you have to either ship your PIL or your HB out. have you planned?

 

[miloice]

I'm not condemning. Ask yourself. Are you happy? You said it yourself...

"although we do not engaged in heated quarrel nowadays,but in our heart, we detest each other and we simply cannot see eye to eye. We can talk for ten minutes, but if put us in a lengthy conversation for an hour, we would be beating about the bush, saying negative comments to insinuate to each other without triggering a quarrel. But in my heart, I felt very bitter and sour towards her, I hate it whenever I call her mother."

Look at the big picture. Why is your so called loving husband allowing you to undergo all these shit? And all these diplomatic talks that doesn't at all value add to your already shitty life. WHY PLACE SO MUCH VALUE IN IT THEN?

Go figure.

 

[miloice]

And yes, Galileo needs a solution. a long term one. Daily fights is definitely not the solution.

Her husband cannot choose his parents. But, he should know his mum enough. He failed as a husband, so, don't just blame the MIL.

 

[kittenpie]

perhaps i got a little carried away with my "ship out" rhetoric.

shipping out is OF COURSE (and quite needless to say) the very last resort.

people living together hurt each other because of mismatch in expectations and absence of clear rules.

if the MIL has been counselled to drop all her expectations that a DIL has to ingratiate herself to her, she would not keep crossing the line and imposing herself on Galileo.

has any clear rule been set? no personal attacks in speech. no subtle insults. or else the other party has the right to leave the conversation? to leave each other alone and never to interfere?

all of us need more skills in handling our relationships.

 

[cuclainne]

you don't just marry him/her, you marry into the family too .. and just as you can choose your spouse, you can choose your ILs too. this is my pov - if i met a man but could not get along with his family, i would rather not pursue a relationship with that person. he will be miserable cos i am unhappy with his family, the family will be unhappy cos he's with me and then we would both be unhappy with each other for the reasons above. too much work, in my opinion.

i had an ex that i got along well with, but i don't get good vibes with his mother or aunt. his aunt works in the same company as me, although in different departments, and feeds information to his mother .. even though it's good information, i got worried at how easy it would be for his aunt to instigate his mother and how easily his mother could be convinced of that cos they are thick as thieves! so i called it quits.

i am glad that i get along well with my ILs, so much so that the husband even jokes that his mother likes me more than him, her own son.

 

[miloice]

May, I agree much more with your last reply. Much more rationale and constructive instead of encouraging daily 'battles' to continue.

 

[miloice]

Cuclainne, wah... what if a man has parents that he knows pretty surely no one would get along with? Does it mean he is doomed for life?

Not quite right? I mean the man has both roles as son and husband. He needs to understand them well to be supportive to both women. Frankly, many men sucks in this area and they just perceive and assume being successful in other aspects would somehow trivialize this very common and real problem.

 

[galileo_girl]

Wow!!!This is really amazing. I didnt know my post would trigger so much response, heated debate. Guys do not understand these war battles between mothers and wives. My husband is not doing anything, he said his mother will be heartbroken if he refute her when his mother rebuke me.He said he does not want to take sides.

I think its not anyone's fault, its just cannot put Dils and Mils stay together.

Milo on ice, please dont speak like you are then a smart aleck, demeaning us women who are not tolerate of Mils. We are now in a high technological modern era, and not during feudal olden times, where Mils have preorgative to choose Dils, and even discriminate against Dils who are not up to their expectations and liking.
The small feet bind women olden days are over, its already many decades ago, now we are living in a modern where women are all liberated, we have the preogative to fight for our own rights.

Milo, you speak like a MCP, and I think you are suitable to marry those foreign brides who are docile, submissive, subservient, those who kissed the ground you walk on. No offence to you, but you seems to be drifting away from the modern era, you speak like you are from an older generation.

Its not my husband fault, whoever he side with, he will hurt one party. So he nonchalant, let us fight.

 

[infojunkie]

i think the mil still has the winning edge

 

[cuclainne]

milo, i wouldn't say he is doomed because there is surely someone who would be ok with that situation .. i'm saying that it would not be me!

 

[kittenpie]

Its not my husband fault, whoever he side with, he will hurt one party. So he nonchalant, let us fight.
==============================================

Galileo,

Perhaps it is this thinking of yours that may have led to the downturn of the relationship.

your husband DOES have a role to play in mediating the relationship between MIL and DIL. in fact, he has the PRIME role. without him, the two of you would not even be related at ALL.

his role is NOT to take sides, like you said. his role is to help set the expectations. and it is possible to set expectations without ultimately hurting anyone's feelings.

if he had counselled your MIL not to impose her expectations on you, to adhere to rules in her communication with you, and told her never to engage in interfering behavior, your MIL would not have the chance to go berserk at you.

the RULES must be set, the EXPECTATIONS must be set.

the negotiator and the mediator should have been your husband.

it is really your husband's fault that the relationship between MIL and DIL deteriorated.

 

[miloice]

LOL... tell me.. Which part is it MCP?

That I point out that you have a lousy husband that isn't supportive and understanding? That leave you to deal with his difficult mother?

Frankly, even the short coversation here.. you have displayed amazing selective reading and interpretation. The very clue that it isn't just your MIL.

"I think you are suitable to marry those foreign brides who are docile, submissive, subservient, those who kissed the ground you walk on. No offence to you, but you seems to be drifting away from the modern era, you speak like you are from an older generation."

I have a terribly difficult mother. But, you don't need to pity my wife at all. Because, she knows she is well protected from her MIL. There is nothing so MCP about being a responsible husband. The real MCPs are men like your own husband that doesn't even bother and let you fight. Yes, its a difficult task to be sandwich in between but he should know his mum enough. I am very patient and caring to both mum and wife. And a total contrast with your interpretation. GO FIGURE that. LOL.

Probably why he is nonchalant because he understands that you are just as willing to engage in the stupid battles.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Galileo Girl doesn't need a solution. Can't you all tell?

 

[galileo_girl]

May, the problem between me and mil is not just a sheer expectation problem. Its the conflict, animosity feelings which has been proliferating in recent years which has caused the relationship to turn sour and bitter. Even if expectations are met, the grudge and vendetta is still there. What transpire between me and mil is severe animosity feelings, which I recently realised that it is beyond redemption, and cannot be salvaged.

 

[xylon]

<font size="+1">Getting Along With In-laws</font>
Tips for Coping with Difficult Parents

As far as in-laws are concerned, the longer you have them, the better the relationship usually becomes.

Although most relationships are fragile in the beginning, when they start off on equal ground, they continue to develop and strengthen as the marriage matures. When the marital relationship succeeds, the relationship with the in-laws usually succeeds, too.

Work to Get Along With In-Laws

Attempting to blend family traditions and lifestyles is never easy. It takes open communication and a sincere desire to get along with new in-laws. The most important thing is not to meddle in other family member’s affairs, but to give and take within each relationship.

Getting along is often impeded by misplaced loyalty. Clinging to parental loyalty is a major obstacle to overcome when developing successful marital relationships. Adult children need to become more loyal to their mate than to their parents. It’s in the best interest of everyone involved for the new couple to establish their loyalty to each other rather than to the parents who raised them. Failure to negotiate a loyalty switch causes a tug of war that uses the child as a rope being pulled in different directions by different family members. Sometimes the loyalty switch can be devastating for a parent, but letting go is part of the inevitable process of growing up.

To avoid the drama of family crises, people must learn to respect other people’s dreams, i.e., a couple’s driving force that determines their interests, activities, and selection of friends. Typical family dreams are achievement, wealth, social status, children, religion, and social involvement. Refusal of one couple to respect another couple’s family dream (e.g., when or if they want to have children) creates a multitude of problems.
Have Realistic Expectations for Parents

Parents’ exaggerated opinion of their child’s desirability and eligibility can cause additional problems in a marriage. Parents who think their child married “beneath them†are never going to accept the spouse. This struggle of acceptance and loyalty can cause tremendous strain on a relationship.

When the married child carries around this exaggerated opinion of himself and his family, it can lead to unfair comparisons. If a man negatively compares his wife’s cooking to his mother’s culinary abilities, then he is comparing plums to prunes, so to speak. While his wife may have a few years of experience in the kitchen, his mother was stirring soup and poking pot roasts long before his wife was even born.

Another common beef about cooking surrounds family celebrations and legacies that are passed from one generation to the next. A marriage is not just a marriage between two people, but between two family legacies. Unrealistic parents may feel betrayed by children who adopt traditions from another family or create new traditions.

Create a Safe Distance Between Families

After trying to openly communicate, sincerely get along, and set realistic expectations, sometimes the only solution to strained relationships is to put physical distance between the offended parties for awhile. Today’s mobile families aren’t as close as they used to be in previous generations, with college, career, and friends making convenient excuses for young people to escape from troubled families and move to new locations. Distance may help keep the peace and help the heart grow fonder. Weekly telephone calls to catch up on events could be all that’s required to maintain a healthy relationship with the in-laws.

Mothers-in-law on both sides have a particularly nasty reputation to overcome. Is the stereotypical scheming, won't-untie-the-apron-strings mother-of-the-man-you-married a myth or reality? Perhaps a little of both. Even so, practicing charity – tolerance and leniency in judging others – sounds like a good idea for outlaw in-laws of all ages, sexes, and nationalities whether they live next door or thousands of miles away.

Key points for getting along with difficult in-laws:

* Keep communication lines open
* Don't meddle
* Negotiate a loyalty switch
* Have realistic expectations
* Establish physical distance
* Withhold judgment

source: http://www.suite101.com/content/getting-along-with-inlaws-a28485

 

[miloice]

Doll, she doesn't realized that she is a mirror and worthy opponent to engage her MIL. LOL

 

[kittenpie]

Galileo,

it is really very emotionally unhealthy for these unpleasant feelings to rage on continuously. at this intensity of feelings, your body may even be developing some latent ailment that could explode years down the road. im not cursing you, im informing you of the risks your health is suffering.

have you planned what to do yet?

 

[miloice]

Guy, nice sharing... but she will also thing you belong to the older generation and must have married a foreign bride that kissed your foot. LOL

And Stanzza, before u reply, she doesn't represent all local women. She just represent those that local men hates.

 

[xylon]

http://www.creating-abundance.net/gratitude-2/creating-abundance-and-spiritual-laws-part-4

In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Covey gives two very powerful examples. The first one is about Victor Frankl, a psychiatrist who was imprisoned and tortured in the concentration camps during World War II. During this time in his life, when basic human needs and dignity were stripped away from him, he came to realize that his tormentors could limit his physical freedom, they could inflict physical harm but they could not control his mind. His choice to use his mind to go to a future event such as lecturing students after his release was profound. From that discovery he empowered himself and inspired fellow prisoners and even guards. He has influenced countless numbers of people who have read his book, Man’s Search for Meaning.

The second example was a woman who attended one of Covey’s presentations. As Covey spoke of this gap, she was incensed that he was telling her she was responsible for her feelings. After all she was caught in a situation that she was certain was not of her making. As a nurse she was caring for a man who was not only ungrateful for the care he was receiving, but also seemed to take pleasure in berating the staff and making their lives miserable. During Covey’s explanation, she had a break through and realized that she, and only she, determined her response to this man’s deplorable behavior. It gave her such a tremendous sense of freedom that she could not contain herself. She jumped up while Covey was speaking, started talking and then sat back down realizing that her outburst wasn’t appropriate. However her feeling of being let out of prison was so intense, she continued to talk to the people around her.

 

[susanna_low]

Home is supposed to be a sanitary and not a fighting ground.
It is v depressing to return home and also wake up to see someone that u do not wish to see everyday and in future, u always have to think of how to counter-fight, more stressful than being @ work.
A auntie that I know share with me that she used to linger at the void desk as she dread going up to face her mil but then both had already passed on. Life is short, hope that u find a solution to settle the house issues. Your hb is not the only son right? How about suggesting your PIL to stay with the other siblings instead?

 

[miloice]

Galileo,

in contrast with your very distorted interpretation about me. I have a very frank and short tempered wife. She can flare up and snap at me pretty much. But, I appreciate her truthfulness. Not that kind of person that engage in auntie petty fights. If she is pissed, she doesn't need to fight. She will show it with her blackface instantly

Spoilt? maybe, but i love her this way. Not petty nor scheming.

You are just as auntie as your MIL engaging in your witty auntie battles. Well done. PRESS ON. Boxing ROUND Number 28999. Many more to come... CHEERS!

 

[infojunkie]

yeah, highly unattractive ppl need to learn from stephen covey to be highly effective

 

[matka]

The husband plays a big role in all of these. It's terrible that he can't rein in his own mother. Basically she is insulting her own son because obviously he chose his own wife.

But I think the main culprit here is PRIDE.

I think Guy's example on Victor Frankl is a good one to follow.

 

[miloice]

Should be highly auntie and shallow.

 

[galileo_girl]

It is not that I dont need a solution, its that I have no solution. The only solution is to buy them a house, which will impoverished my husband finance and we have to take austerity measures if stay separately by buying them a house.

I come to this forum to rant, to pour out my grievances, at same time to find solace in women who has problems living with in laws, who are in same predicament with me.

And in order to protect myself, I will try to dodge my mil as often I can. But still, if she insinuate negative, derogatory remarks to me out of malice, I will still defend myself, and if possible, I will throw back at her the bad remarks.

My stand is very clear. I will not pick a fight, but if mil wants to bully me with words, I am ready for the battle of wits.

If mil try to degrade me with words, if she doesnt respect me, why should I give her back the respect? I am not a slave subjected to her verbal attacks. Slavery is already abolished long ago.

 

[miloice]

hint : the solution lies in your spouse and yourself. You are a team, and need to work as one to overcome the issue.

 

[sgbabydoll]

Can you not get the rest of the siblings to chip in and buy a house for your PILs?

 

[kittenpie]

Galileo,

i see your point of view.

the solution need not cost the family an arm and a leg.

(1) your HB has other siblings and can help to chip in the expenses

(2) there is the option of low cost rental and low cost housing for the elderly. if anything there is such a thing as reverse mortgage ...

(3) how sure are you that the PIL really has no money? they could be hiding money somewhere. make them help to foot a small part of their new accomodation.

lastly, your unhappiness is not invalid. you have the right to feel unhappy and the right to air your unhappiness. but you have got to work with your husband to find a workable solution to this situation.

your emotional health is important. take care of it.

 

[cuclainne]

galileo: instead of buying, you can rent.

i co-owned the HDB where my mom, dad, siblings live with my sister. then i married the husband. from then on, we've been renting. my mother feels guilty that it's because of her staying there, that me and my family have to rent. but me and the husband are ok with it - we are certainly not going to ask her to move out just so we can buy a HDB.

there are always other alternatives.

 

[miloice]

"If mil try to degrade me with words, if she doesnt respect me, why should I give her back the respect? I am not a slave subjected to her verbal attacks. Slavery is already abolished long ago."

The above statement displays zero EQ frankly. When you are kind to others, its not only when others are kind to you. You need to understand the environment and decide how to best respond. Look at the big picture. How is fighting her going to make your life any better? It doesn't. You are clinging onto straws over things that doesn't at all help and caging yourself with boundaries you set for yourself.

Start communicating with your partner and getting him to understand your issue. Together, work out something than continue being upset and silly. Instead of telling you the solution is move out or divorce, my advise is simply for you to really actively explore the possibilities and push for the needed changes. Could be both internally within yourself as well as with your partner.

 

[stanzza]

Okay jokes aside...

We are not debating =p

Let's look at it objectively. Were you improving your relationship with the family or worsening it?

When you say ppl aren't being good IL. Have you reflect and think whether you are a good DIL? You probably is justified to say your MIL is not good. Put yourself in MIL shoe though. Were she justified in saying u r not a good DIL?

Did your MIL not eat humble pie herself in approaching and persuading you to step down? If she's really that bad, she would have just say u r wrong and a bad DIL in front of your BIL you know. Don't even have to discuss w you first.

It takes 2 to tango. Relationship is not about who's right or wrong. That is not even important. Everyone just tolerate and accept each other's flaw more, and appreciate each other strength more. Respect would grow. Doesn't matter who take the first step. 家和万事兴.

If you focus on who's right/wrong, who did what to whom first, u will always have relationship problem.

---
Last few days, my mil tried to cajole me into burying the hatchet and patching up with my bil who is her son. My bil turned very nasty at me with swearing and agressive threats over a dosmestic issue, which is actually not any of his business and not any problem at all. My mil expect me to meet him and acknowledged his presence. she wants me to eat humble pie, telling me that her son is extremely obdurate by nature and will never made the first approach.Mil tells me that if I make first approach to patch with him , I will be considered very noble. So I tell her I will never do that as her son owes me an apology and I think its not worth me doing that. Then she started to turn sour, she told me her friend Dil often help to mediate problems among the in laws. So I tell her that her friend is a good MIl thats why her dil do that for her. I am sure she knows what I am driving at, I am trying to tell her that she is not a good mil to me and I will never do that for her.
---

 

[kittenpie]

The above statement displays zero EQ frankly.
=======================================

what rubbish. why should you generalise everything.

different types of people call for different tactics.

there are nasty people who get nastier if you are kind to them.

then there are nasty people who stop being nasty once you start being kind to them.

it all depends so just stop your jeering and your taunting

 

[galileo_girl]

Milo,

By the way do you know that in recent years, divorce rates are proliferating and most of the divorces are initiated by the women, I may not represent all women in Singapore, but still I have alot of friends who are like me who hated in laws, not that I am trying to justify that I am right to hate my in laws, but you cannot deny that its a common problem that staying with in law does not breed harmony but animosity, I am saying for most cases.

My Mil tell me that all her friends have been constantly complaining about their Dils, some even stay out whole day to avoid seeing Dils.

I relate an incident to you. Got one time i tell my Pil about a domestic issue, like for instance, dont throw this away, it still can be used, I say it in a normal tone. Then my husband tells them the same thing in normal tone too, then we got bombarded by pil, they accused us of wanting to chase them out. There are many differences in household matters between me and mil. Now whatever she want to throw, I just cannot interfere. Because once i interfere, she will get wrong idea.

Such a small matter pil already kick up such big fuss, how to expect my husband to interfere in the conflicts I have with his mother?

 

[tomasulu]

why do you use words like abode, propensity, proliferating, etc.? we don't live in the 19th century anymore and you don't own a weapon of mass destruction.

 

[matka]

Where did your in-laws live before you got married?

 

[simpleman]

Well, continue to rant.. and continue to fight.

Wish you happiness forever in fighting and ranting.

And here we are happily watching you rant and fight..

 

[simpleman]

The above statement displays zero EQ frankly.
=======================================

what rubbish. why should you generalise everything.

different types of people call for different tactics.

there are nasty people who get nastier if you are kind to them.

then there are nasty people who stop being nasty once you start being kind to them.

it all depends so just stop your jeering and your taunting

Well I wouldn't say ZERO EQ. But definitely not high. Otherwise how else would she be in that sort of situation she is now in.

Firstly, she is "blind" to marry her hb. I mean, the HB has a role to play. Cannot just watch the fight right? It is his behaviour that fuels the fire.

And I cannot imagine, BIL abusing her verbally. What is the HB doing? BIL means HB's brother right. Surely, he will not and should not allow his own brother to scold the wife for no reasons. Even if there are reasons, it should be bro to bro talk.

 

[simpleman]

There are a couple of solutions:

Put an ear-plug or plug in your iPod all day long when you are at home.

Or, ship them out or you shift out.. it is that simple..

If it cannot work, then divorce your hb..