Matters of the heart, indeed..

purplesky

New Member
hi everyone, i going to share my long story with you and hope to seek some help/advices here.

i am 23 this yr and my SO is 31. we met in 2009 and ROM last year. we intend to hold our wedding in may 2012, after my graduation.

planning for my wedding has been happy, choosing venues, bridal shops, etc. my SO really dotes on me, allowing me to decide on things i like (of course within budget) and give in to me whenever we enter an argument (i think it's norm in wedding planning?).

my SO works in the public sector for almost 10 yrs now. when he was young, he did not have much savings because he did see the importance of it. But eventually, he realises the importance of it and started doing it. before he could actually utilise his savings for his wedding, his ex-gf actually cheated on him and partial of his money.

further to that, his grandma was sick for the past 1.5 yrs and he has to pay the medical bills on behalf of his mother who is not working. this further depreciate his savings. yet, he is able to cough out money for hotel deposit, photoshoot deposit, my proposal ring and our BTO's option (all these amounts to abt 10K already).

i am holding a diploma holder now and is working as an administrative person. every month, i gave my mother $800 ($600 for sch fees, $200 for her allowance). however, my mother claim that she will pay for my sch fees and and she will save the $600 for me. with my previous ang bao savings and the monthly $600, i should have abt $20k in the bank now. my father promise me that this money is in safe hands and will be returned to me. this amount of money is said to return me when i graduate. i still manage to save on my own but, my savings are limited now as i have spent it on our wedding bands, ROM, HDB option fees and a short holiday trip.

recently, i asked my father if he thinks it's okie for me to advance some money from my mother (abt 5K) as i want to pay for the remaining amt for the photoshoot, misc items for wedding and to return some money to my SO for the hotel deposit. my father told me to ask my mother and i agreed. on the fateful that i wanted to ask my mother, my father came to me and told me that my mother would not agree. he started crying and said he felt very bad and guilty because whatever he promised was not fulfilled. i told him that it's not his fault and if my mother does not want to pass me the money, i would take a loan from bank (maybe cash plus or sth) and repay back monthly. he does not agree to it and initiated to help me (w/o telling my mother). i refuse to take his money because that is all he have and he needs the money for his illness (he used to suffer from colon ulcers).

last sunday, i pass the monthly allowance to my mother. i only pass her $600 because i am quite tight this month. while waiting in van, for my mother to deposit the money at the bank, i told my father from next month onwards, i am not giving her any allowance (aka "sch fees") and i will save myself to pay my the sch fees. he got agitated and said: "sometimes i really wanna scold you. your husband wanna marry you, he should pay for everything!" i was taken aback. where is the father who wanted to help me? why is he on "alliance" with my mother now? i was very upset and shouted: "fine, i need no money from you all. i can take a loan from bank!" and i ran away (i know i am a little impulsive and agitated at this point).

my father attempt to call me but i did not answer (i admit i have a stubborn character). my SO ask me to answer the call and see what my father wants to say. so, i answered. my father asked me where am i and ask me to go to the bank to meet him and mother. he said that there's always room for discussions. i was really upset (and stubborn) and i refuse to. why is it that there's only room for discussion when situation turns sour? 2 days after that incident, my SO asked if my parents called me and i said no. he urge me to speak to them asked them what they want to discuss about. he feels that afterall, they are my parents and i shouldnt have a "cold war" with them. after much pushing, i decided to call my father. he sounded restless and said since i do not wish to discuss so forget it. both mother and himself are really tired. he hung up after giving an excuse that he needs to go for delivery trip.

until today, it's not resolve. my cousin in KL text me today and asked if i knew my mother is going for her back check-up in hospital today and asked if i know what i should do. i replied "dunno". i don't feel like inviting my parents' relatives and friends to my wedding but my SO insisted that we should because afterall, they are my parents.

i really do not know what should i do. i don't feel happy getting married. i cannot accept the fact that my parents are the ones who say they will learn to accept my SO as part of the family and as husband and wife, we should always help each other along the way. yet, on the other hand, they "discriminate" him by saying "no money don't get married". how would my MIL feel if she hears this? how would she think of me and my parents?
 


miloice

Well-Known Member
u cannot accept what fact?

Your folks will have their own set of thinking and values. They come from a different era from us. The expectation that they will think like you is a naive and unrealistic one.

Handling your folks and in laws are never straight forward. We don't live in a perfect world with families giving full unconditional support. Look at it from another perspective. They are concerned that you would suffer with your partner. Any parent would worry. If you take steps back to try to understand them, you may not agree with them, but you would understand their reasons better.

Do you think its really about the money? Your parents are not letting you spend your 20k savings in your interests. Look at their intent. It is not to steal your money or something.

btw, what's the rush for marriage right after your graduation? Why not work for some years to generate more savings and allow your thinking and relationship mature after your career stabilize? You are young and have many years ahead of you. You have time to plan things progressively.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
to add

Be reminded, your folks took the initiative to call you to negotiate. This showed how much they care about your feelings. You ignored their requests? Its more than stubborness. You are childish and unsteady. Frankly, not suited for marriage yet. You behave like a teenager. No matter how sour situation becomes in a family, if one used more empathy to understand each other difficulties, things will open up.

How much do you care about your parents feelings? A very self centered and green personality.

If you rush things, either you learn it during the marriage with many struggles provided the marriage is still intact or you ruin it completely.

"my SO really dotes on me, allowing me to decide on things i like (of course within budget) and give in to me whenever we enter an argument"

be warned.... how much patience can a man have only. Its really naive that women place value in partners that just endure and let them win. Is that win win? Look for a man that challenge your thinking, develop it to arrive in happy outcomes without the need for agreements or either side supressing. The right man is not the one that grows the whimpy spoil princess in you but one that walk that growing path of happiness with you.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi purple,

When I just started work after graduation, my mum volunteered to help me safe keep my salary.

Although I was capable of saving myself, I still say OK to her since I didn't spend much on myself anyway. So every month I just reserve $500 for my food and transport and gave her all the rest.

Whenever I make my mum angry, she will say she will not return my money to me. I can have my money back only when she dies.

After a few such episodes, I stand up to her and only give her her monthly allowance and save my own salary myself. I will not subject myself to her mercy any more when I suddenly need extra money to buy things. I hate to get money from hubby for my personal things although he doesn't mind.

My hubby was very understanding when he found out I had nothing to contribute to the wedding and house because all my money was locked up with my mum.

Up to this day, my money is still with her. I just treat the money as her future medical costs.

So Purple, I think you will never get your $20k back till your mum pass away. Just treat as a gift for them.

Just to comfort you. The amount with my mum is very much more than your $20k. Luckily, you realise this early.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Albee, as a parent, u know 20k is peanuts. All parents spend much more than that. Don't you set aside money for your parents? Both children and parents should not threaten each other with money. Just because we have the earning power now, doesn't mean we should be insensitive to our parents.

Purple, in the spur of anger, you can do so many things to hurt your parents. But, you did not expect your dad to have any spur of moment himself?

its common that we hurt our loved ones in anger. We are all guilty about that. Let go of resentments over things said when emotions are running high and focus on building the family bond. The closer you guys are, the more understanding they are of your difficulties. The more you fight them, the more difficult they get.

It is a vicious cycle.
 

susanna_low

New Member
Before u started to plan anything, it's beta for u to sit down and hv a good discussion with ur parents.
Do find out the actual reason of them holding the $$.

Is it because of any financial difficulties? Or they do not wan u to put all the nest in one basket? Or is it they feel it's the responsibility of the hb to pay for the marriage?

If they are unable to help out with the expenses, do compromise that u will give them a nominal amount and more once everything is settled..

It's not the end of the road as there's a solution for every issue.

Personally I do find that it's a good idea to start planning for the future @ a young age.
Start to work out a budget and at the very least, both of u are still able to save from scratch. Give urself 1-2yrs time and plan towards your budget.
 

powder

Active Member
u're not being reasonable with your allowance for explanations... it's your way or the highway. u are too petty
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
"it's your way or the highway."

The observation is consistent what she valued in her partner. No surprise.
 

purplesky

New Member
hi everyone, thanks for your advices.

i would to share that the reason my parents do not allow me to gain access to my money is because they feel that my SO should bear full costs of the wedding and i (the girl's side), should not fork out a single cent. As i mentioned earlier, i feel that my SO has paid quite a significant amount of money and i feel that it is only right that we share some of the expenses with him. however, my parents still insist that it's a "NO!" until when i could not contain any longer and burst the bubble, they realise that what they should suggest sitting down to discuss earlier instead when the bubble burst.

i am not asking for the whole sum of $20k at once. i only asking for partial of it which is $5k so i can help my SO pay the remaining of the bridalshoot and some HDB fees.

honestly, my SO and have discussed and agreed that in the event my parents are not returning me the money, we'll share the debt of the wedding together. it's just that we have to work a little longer and save more before we can have kids. afterall, it's our wedding.

milo, fyi, i give in to my SO as well, knowing his kind of character. i rather keep quiet at times than to further comment on anything or to answer his questions. better still, i would walk away to avoid entering an argument with him. win-win? i doubt so.

i gave my mother a monthly allowance of $200 and $600 for school fees (which she saves for me). up til this stage, im all prepared not to get back the 20K, neither am i prepared to get any ang baos from during the wedding.

i might earn peanuts but, i can slowly pay off any loans i get for my wedding.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
no one but u are keeping the bubble burst. Make up with your parents and talk things out calmly.

Frankly, I strongly discourage to thin one's resources unnecessarily to rush a marriage that you can manage comfortably. Since both of u can ill afford the wedding u wish to have. Why not take some time to comfortably plan it?
WHAT IS THE RUSH FOR?? You need to keep your buffers for many unforeseen circumstances. Your 20k is going to be peanuts over these situations. This is why your parents are so worried for you.

Find out more about divorces. Finances is one of the key issues.

You have already closed your mind about your own partner thinking there is no way to arrive in win-win. Why so hard up to marry him then? You seriously need to rethink. Why are you pursuing so hard for? Someone you cannot even share your mind with happily? Communication between couples is fundamental. How comfortable are you with him frankly?

btw, its completely contradicting to what you mentioned earlier...
"my SO really dotes on me, allowing me to decide on things i like (of course within budget) and give in to me whenever we enter an argument (i think it's norm in wedding planning?)."
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Win-win is achievable. Just not overnight.

Work on the communications. The need to keep quiet or 'give in' has to be with a purpose. Just shutting up will not resolve anything. Through patient guidance and feedback, couples can influence each other to become more understanding.

Just that many have no patience nor determination to see beyond the current. Hence, the vicious cycle. You keep quiet but do you let go of the resentments as well? The fact you think its never possible to be win-win already indicate you seeing no hope in it and not actively influencing each other positively.
 
when you make a decision, if money is in your equation, you will not able to do the magnificent, because money is very important to you and nothing else.
 

purplesky

New Member
honestly, after seeing so much advices.

i kind of concluded one thing. i've thought over and over. maybe i can only annul my marriage?

my MIL have come to know that my parents hurl words like: "没有钱就ä¸è¦ç»“å©š!" she's not angry neither is she happy that my parents hurled such words. i feel really awkward in front of her. i do not know how to face her.

my SO doting on me seems to be temporary thing and does not last long.
avoiding arguments seems to be wrong as well because i have failed to communicate properly.

and it is true that we do not have the money to get married. no doubt we plan for it, unexpected circumstances had depreciated our savings and we're left stuck in no where.

i guess, it's better to forfeit 10K worth of deposits now than to pay for a long-term of loans.

thanks everyone for the advices.
 

powder

Active Member
u are ruled by emotions, abit too much of it in fact.

even the best good pple, can make bad decisions or screw themselves if they are overtaken by emotions when making decisions.

take control of your emotions, allow your mind to think logically, then u expand that to a longer-term thinking... learn to anticipate and run likely scenarios on a 1-3yrs spectrum...

once u 'see' the likely result, u can then work backwards to Today's decisions.

IF u can muster this, i can assure u that u will be happy 90% of the time with less repercussions.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
Is there really a need to forfeit? Have you negotiated for a change in dates?

Don't rush into another decision. You are in this mess because of bad planning. You don't need another one in attempt to reverse it.

Reflect and learn how to better cope with things. Shit happens in life. Everyone faces them. No one plans to fail, they just fail to plan properly or simply overly optimistic. Learning never stop. Its not done over night but over time. Couples learn and grow together to become better lovers for the partners. Of cos, through the learning, many couples realize the incompatibility too. But its for the good of both, cos they become more aware of what they need and want. Only then, can they have more control over their own happiness. Shit can happen, but do we waiver over them?

Even if you need to go ahead with your wedding, WEAR A HAT OF YOUR SIZE. You don't need to get into debt over a fantasy wedding only to struggle after and fight with your spouse over finance till it break down the marriage. Kind of a lost cause.

When I did my wedding with my wife, my cash flow was tight too.... there are just unlimited wants and wishes to fulfill and I'm not some rich chap... we just prioritize on what was important. We did our honeymoon 2 yrs after. When you have children, it will strain your finances even more. So, please plan your future and don't make yourself a victim of the pit hole you dug for yourself.

Lastly, the best way to accumulate wealth isn't savings... but to expand your potential to earn. Grow your income progressively. As a couple the income grow together as your career advance will enable you to do much more in yrs to come.

We are going for our 2nd photoshoot next week.... after 6yrs in our marriage. With the same photographer to mark our new milestone in our marriage.
 

miloice

Well-Known Member
we forfeited our photo package back then too.... was taken in by the hard selling in a particular bridal studio. I negotiate for more stuffs and they up the deposit. Paid a 2k deposit for it. Need to write off the bad debts then to continue with a bad deal.
 

simpleman

Active Member
wah so drama..

I thought only not happy with parents because of some money issue..

Now have to annul marriage?

And a doting hb that is only temporary?

I would rather think it is the issue of TS.

Why marry in the first place and then annul at the slightest problem.
 

mum_of_2_girls

New Member
Hi Purple,

Your hubby did not ask you to pay anything yet so why do you stress up yourself for?

Just tell him nicely that your money is locked up with your parents. He will understand and settle the bills himself. You still can have a wedding within your means.

I don't think he will ditch you just because you can't pay for your share of the wedding costs.

I told my hubby about my locked-up money with my parents, he was OK with it. Any way he was taught from young that he had to save for his marriage and don't expect anything from his parents. So naturally he didn't expect his future wife to foot the wedding bills too.
 

purplesky

New Member
milo & sm: thanks for waking me up. i admit that i was a little too emotional.

albee: my SO is aware of situation. but i thought i could help him since he's a little tight recently (after his grandma's medical expenses).

my aunt called me yday and said she has spoken to my father. she tried to convince him yet he ruled that my SO is out to "dig" my money or out to cheat my money. i was thinking: "com'on, cheat my money? im no rich man's daughter!" nevertheless, i couldnt careless about the negative comments my parents wanna hurl at my SO. i was upset, really upset.

i've had a discussion with my SO yday and decided to go ahead with the wedding, inviting all our relatives and friends. it's once in a lifetime, we do not wish to regret. as for the financial issues, i guess we would sort it out. we'll use our bonuses to clear it and repay the remaining back.

you guys are right. they are my parents. whatever they hurl at my SO, whatever they say, i'll take it and swallow it. i'll still respect them and when it's over, then i'll get a relief.
 

simpleman

Active Member
yes, take a step backward.

you are just talking about 5K to help .. so it is not a lot of money to begin with..

Anyway, you should be old enough to manage your own money..
 

purplesky

New Member
sm: actually, that's exactly what i thought and everyone else thought but not my parents.

5K is a significant amount of money that my SO would cheat me on.
5K is also a significant amount of money that i would splurge on.

i cant save money.

but anyway, that's what they think. i couldnt careless. take it or leave it!
 

lunaaa

New Member
Do your parents know your SO - whatever that means, I assume it means your fiancé - well?

If they know him for a long time and do trust and like him, they wouldn't feel that he is out to cheat your money right?

Seems to me that your parents aren't too close to your SO.


So many acronyms..... And I just figured out that DH means Dear Husband?
 

carlislesg

New Member
Money can ruin everything.. Let's all try to focus more on other things rather than thinking of how not to use your money, how to spend it all and some others.
 

woofy55

New Member
purplesky: Well, It's just the starting... you 2 have long way to go and rmber marriage is not just 2 of you. It involves the whole family of the 2 of you.

I agree with one of the comments above. Your parents might just be heartache that your life might be "hard" next time. Cos even $$ for wedding preparation you need to bother. What's your life beyond.

You have to stand at different perspectives at different stage of your life. And talk to your parents more. Are they in trouble themselves? You mentioned your father got colon ulcers and your mom had a check up in hospital.

Don't contain yourself in self-pity too much thinking that your parents don't support you.. blah blah blah... sometimes others do certain things or say certain things have their meanings. They might not want you to get worried.

Open up your heart and mind.. and see what's really the concern.
 

wat_are_dreamz

New Member
purplesky: It all sounds like a rush to me. U said tat u met ur SO in 09, got ROM in 10 n planning for the wedding in may 12.

If u are really sure about it, then I think u have to quickly grow up to be more matured n to understand ur new role as a wife, rather than just as a gf. U are considered a grown-up now in the eyes of ur parents n shd learn to handle affairs better n look at the big picture. If finances are tight, there is no need to rush for ur wedding. Or sit down n do up a list of the things n estimated budget required.

Marriage is between 2 families, not 2 individuals. Unless u are ready to walk out on ur family due to some serious reason. Maybe ur focus now should be on ur studies n to strengthen the bond u n ur SO have with both families. Plan for the wedding later.
 

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