Lost, Need Advice

[hen12y]

Hi all,

Me and my gf have been together for ard 4 years till now, all along our relationship got no major problem, so since last year we plan to get married this year on oct, 1 year of planning and suddenly few days back she msg me say she wanna reconsider because she is not sure whether she can do it.

She ask me to give her time to think but the problem is we dun have much time, whatever things i ask her she will reply dunno. We've done everything already, invites, photoshoot, booking of solemnizer, pg, vg and all our relative know abt this marriage. I dun even dare to tell my parents abt this cause i dun 1 them to have bad impression of my gf, but what if they ask me to pass them the invites, i will be lost at words.

When i ask her do you still have any feelings for me she say yes but not as much as before. Right now im like half hanging.
im going 30 and my gf is 24.

Sorri for my poor english

 

[ariel84]

Maybe she's having wedding jitters? Have you both spend enough time just being alone with each other lately? May be good to have a heart to heart talk and find out what's going on in her mind.

By the way, you proposed already?

 

[pinktweet]

good question, ariel! ..

 

[little_ms_naughty]

I also think its wedding jitters...

I suffered that too..

Dunno this dunno that...

give her a few more days..

Gd Luck!

 

[nichie]

Yalor...may be after the long and exhausting 1 year preparation and now coming to an end, feel a sudden hollow inside. Then she finally realize she is getting married now...feel not sure now...but some assuring talk and comforting may be do the work.

Ariel

Don't understand...they are getting married next month and you asking whether he has proposed? I thot normally you propose first then prepare marriage...not this way mei? (Sorry no one propose to me yet...so not sure abt the correct way)

 

[denise80]

Spiderman, it could really be wedding jitters. I rem I had that too even though to me, nothing was wrong with the relationship. The thought of after the ROM day I'll be 'eternally' tied down to this man gives me the jitters and made me wonder if I've really really made the right choice then. That being said, wedding jitters must be taken seriously. You must acknowledge and validate how she feels because I have friends who in the end called off everything and broke up because of such jitters. Like you, they had everything done too..Photoshoot etc just not ROM.

I suggest you have a good talk with her and in your talk with her, do not discuss about marriage but discuss about your relationship and expectations and plans in life.

 

[ariel84]

Outcast, I am just testing the possibilities... anyway I don't think there is a standard formula to proposal, hehe.

 

[hen12y]

Hi all thanks for all the reply.

Ariel: yup i have already proposed 1 year ago.

outcast: All the planning is done by me.

denise: i tried to talk to her but she choose to ignore and kept quiet.

i have try talking to her but whatever i say dun seems to go into her mind. I oso never pressure her and keep asking her for a decision. The only reason i think is holding her back not to call off the wedding is because of the fine by banquet.

 

[hen12y]

Littlemsnaughty & Denise then how did u gals get over it? What did your bf do?

 

[shirleypoise]

Was there any change in her life in the last year? Job? New friends? New hobbies? These would show u some signs...

 

[hen12y]

Job yes. Other than this everything is the same. Nothing went wrong with our relationship its the same as before.

 

[shirleypoise]

That's a clue then. She could b overtly stressed up in her new job n would prefer everything else to b status quo so that she could concentrate on fitting in.

Does she share everything w u? If she does, then there could only b that ONE thing that she's keeping to herself resulting in her not wanting to tell u the problem...

 

[nichie]

Hi, spiderman

I find it strange tht you are the one who is doing the planning and preparation becos from what I know from my gfs, mostly, they are the one who is doing all the preparation while their guys are not so involved although you did said she has a new but that also don't really explained her action. Hw's her reaction when you propose to her? Excited? Looking forward? Or nonchalant?

Did she discussed or talk with you abt the marriage or preparation? How is her attitude?

 

[shirleypoise]

"Job yes. Other than this everything is the same. Nothing went wrong with our relationship its the same as before."

Hmm... U've mentioned in ur 1st post tt she still has feelings for u but not as much as before...

R u kidding urself???

 

[flyingstar]

woo..pre-wedding jitters. i think it's very common for brides to have that.

did you go for a marriage preparation course? talk about life after the wedding? plans for the future?

maybe she's insecure about all these that's why she's hesitant.

suggest you give her space and time to cool off, and let her know that you will be there if she wants to talk. then don't contact her until she looks for you...

i don't know whether this will work though...time is running out like you said.

you might want to think of how to salvage the whole thing if your wedding does gets postponed...

 

[hen12y]

Breakingfree: i dun think she is stress in her job and im not kidding myself everything maintain the same as before as for she got feelings for me but not as much as before is what she told me but i still feel the same.

Outcast: ya tats wat i told her she knows i angry and i got voice it out but she still choose to ignore the preparation. Nv really did propose to her just a ring and a bundle of roses tat i wrap myself. Happy and stun for awhile i guess. The only thing tat make her excited is only choosing photo for album tat is ard june.

Flyingstar: did mention to her before but no respond from her so we did not go for marriage preparation course. To give her time and space is what i can only do now.Never really talk abt plans and future.

 

[denise80]

Hi spiderman, my hubby didn't have to do much even tho I had wedding jitters. We just had a lot of frustrations and quarrels. I didn't say I want a break up that time so it wasn't as serious as yours. But I do remember him reminiscing the past with me, especially when we had a professional doing our montage of how we got to know each other etc. Have you done this part with her? You may want to revive that feeling of how you courted her and how you all dated? Your situation could be that she's still rather young and she's afraid to make the wrong decision. Yes, you may think that she probably shouldn't have said yes then of course but women only realise the gravity of the issue when the date of solemnisation draws nearer. Anyway not playing a part in this wedding planning may not mean she's not keen. I don't like to plan so my hubby was the main person liaising with banquet, photoshoot etc.

Spiderman, perhaps for the past few mths, everytime you two meet is to discuss wedding matters and she needs communication beyond that? Try going out as a couple and do things together other than wedding preparations? Sometimes too much of wedding prep may make one feel like it's a chore and we may forget why we're doing it in the lst place.

 

[hen12y]

Denise: I wanna ask the professional to do the montage but she dun want. I dun have a few mths my rom and ad is on 30th oct 2010. Just last week we still book maldives trip for our hm and arrange food tasting on 23th sep. Really dunno what to do now. When i go over to her hse find her wanna talk things out, she was playing mahjong at her fren hse, i was like wth u still got mood for this and i get piss off. Then i ask her to put herself in my shoes if i were the 1 doing this how would she felt? She told me nv happen to her how she knows.

 

[denise80]

Are you close with her family members? Will talking to her family members help u understand what she's thinking?

 

[hen12y]

Sad to say no.

 

[clipperjunk]

like that you still want to go thru the wedding with her? leave her to her nonsense and you move along....apparently she's screwing you badly....

 

[powder]

ther's a host of reasons and u Better Hope it's wedding jitters... if it's not, u're basically screwed and if dicvorce, u will have to support someone who doesn't wanna stay married to u... think wisely.

in new job, she could have met a guy who is makes u look like a boy. at her age, she needs a man liao, are u that man?

her frens could be telling her things u dun want them to tell, but since they're her frens, they will tell. and create all the doubts she has now.

generally, girls will have more feeling towards the wedding than the groom. and since she has Neither, u might like to ask if it's even worth getting into a marriage.

leave the ball in her court to call it off, and make all the necessary reversals thru phone calls.

if she calls it off, u have your answer... if she doesn't, u have your question re-asked. what have u got to lose?

 

[hen12y]

clipperjunk: Its so hard to find someone u love and u wish to tie the knot with her. After 4 years of relationship, 1 year of planning and 2 more mths before we tie the knot. Its so hard to move along. Can i go for marriage preparation course now? Is it too late?

 

[powder]

takes two to tango. if she's willing to go, then what are u waiting for? but dun expect mPC to be your solution

 

[hen12y]

Powder thanks for the reponse,

I really do hope that its wedding jitters. "Leave the ball in her court to call it off" i have already done that. Right now i cant even communicate with her. She dun wish to talk and want time to think.

Any gals out there experience wedding jitters, can share with me how to solve it and what can i do now rather than wait. Right now i dun even dare to call or msg her now scare that she will feel irritated.

 

[hen12y]

Powder: I will try to ask her go. At least if i tried i will have no regrets. Life is too short for regrets. At the end of the day if it still dun work out, at least i know i done my best to salvage it.

 

[powder]

dude, u wanna listen to the girls ah?really ah? u serious hor? really really ah?

ok ok i very straightforward. it's Not wedding jitters.. u must rem, girls always advise what they would like the problem to be First... before they actually bother to think harder. they would then use it to compare against themselves and somehow form some weirdass conclusion that sorta follows their own individual stories. very uninitiated sort of solving problems... think ten-year-series. fixed formula sorta way.

but for u, i am willing to piss those above off...

'wedding jitters' is a probability of cos, but this phrase was formed by pple who wanted to see the wedding go thru as much as they wanted to watch channel 8 serials.

when u wanna on the girl to be your steady, after she agree, u feel elated n excited or u feel jittery? like "oh, i now got a gfren, how am i gonna cope? what will my life be now with a gfren?"... No right?? so jit's a very low probability that it's jitters.

if she has an ex, it could be that they have gotten into contact recently and she is having a memory rush, he could have said things to make her wanna hold back from u in the meantime. that has Higher chance than WJ.

if she's in new in job, she could have met a guy like me to make u look like a Son she marrying, n not a Husband/man. or she could be having crushes. i'm wondering wat sorta job she's having. hopefully not real estate... that industry can singlehandedly contribute to more adultery than the porn industry.

the best probability u'd wanna hope for, would be the fact that she is already homesick n can't imagine life without her parents. in which case, isn't that good too, cos she's definitely not as excited abt starting a new life with u.

well the list goes on... not wedding jitters tho...

ps: u should continue replying to BreakingfRee... she should be able to lead u closer to something than just wedding jitters.

 

[hen12y]

Nope not in real estate industry. She is not the kind that will be homesick from what i know. Met a guy in new company or contacted her ex i did ask her but she say no and i choose to believe it.

 

[powder]

u dun need a reason. when a person stops loving u as much, why do u need a reason?

when u like her or fall in love with her, did the reason come first? or the feeling. come first?

so if pple. falling out of love, do u. thing the reason. come first or the feeling come first? well actually no feeling liao hor?

she's either going thru self-awareness or guilt now. else she would not avoid u.

 

[cococherry]

my friend's gf call off their wedding lately (their wedding is in late Aug)
His gf told him that they are incompatible and she is not ready for committment.
But actually she is already seeing someone else.

u remain the same but she might had changed. 20yrs old girl and 24yrs old women have diff goals and wants.

 

[kimono]

Hi 5piderman,
After marriage, will guys be staying alone or with your parent? Stay with your parent might be one of the issue which she's worry.

 

[hen12y]

We will be staying with my parent after wedding because our flat will only be ready on 2013

 

[jefferson_edison]

probably she seeing someone else. so her feeling not as much as before.

better call off the wedding else later move in she regrets then it'll be a mess.

 

[little_ms_naughty]

5piderman,

It took him alot, & i really mean alot of reassurance to me.

His actions spoke for itself, & i actually also did confide in family/friends, & they observed him, & reassured me that he is certainly a man that i could be dependent on..

Wedding jitters can occur because of alot, alot, alot of reasons...

My reason was because his Mum was very hard to get along, & sometimes, he would be stuck between me & his Mum...

Ultimately, he has shown me that he is capable of managing all the situations well, & we decided to go ahead with the wedding..

For now, i'm happy to say that the r/s between me & his Mum is slowly, slowly building up...

For your case, i think you really need to sit her down & have a heart to heart talk with her..
Identify the problem, fix it (if its fixable) before committing into marriage, else chances are, the marriage is not going to work out..

All the best!

 

[flyingstar]

don't think going for MPC now will help salvage anything. she may think you are adding pressure to her. anyway normally MPC takes 1 month...so with your ROM/AD on 30 Oct there really is no time.

 

[lovingyou]

TS: She wasn't being excited in the whole wedding planning, could it be that she had regretted even since she accepted the proposal? She might not know how to explain to you that she isn't ready for this commitment? How is her new job like? Is there any differences in her mood, her TLC towards you after this change of environment?

 

[ariel84]

Guess she's not sure of what she wants. Or she is sure that it's not you she wants anymore, but don't know how to break the news to you.

Doesn't sound like wedding jitters.

Actually, if I'm you I'll postpone the ROM and give us some time to think.

 

[cococherry]

Be patient since October is coming soon

What's a Marriage preparation course? it seems overrated. Is it the this course for those couples who are unprepare for marriage but need to because of HDB flat?

 

[thommy]

outcast, not everyone proposes before preparing for wedding. some have no proposals.

spiderman, she could be seeing someone else, just that you dunno only. Otherwise how can she be totally not interested in your wedding preparations? I highly doubt its wedding jitters.

 

[reddyredlee]

spiderman:

There is a possibility that she is seeing somebody else. If not, why would she suddenly drop you this "bomb"?

Although she agreed to marry you, perhaps she didnt think it through properly and now she is reconsidering.

Were there any major quarrels between both of you recently? Were there any major issues that both of you did not resolve?

 

[vios]

Spiderman,

you said that "we don't have much time" but actually you still do. for goodness' sake, you are not marrying the "invites, photos, venues" and anyone else except her.

whether or not it's the jitters or some other reasons, it's good that she needs time to think it through Again - rather than getting it complicated in the later stages. she is actually more mature than you, despite her age.

 

[hen12y]

littlewoman: working environment same as before. Mood, maybe nv talk as much as before.

Ariel: "Or she is sure that it's not you she wants anymore, but don't know how to break the news to you". this is what im thinking too.

Thomas: "Not all cancellation of marriage is due to 3rd party". This is what she reply me. Saw you are very active in novotel clarke quay cause i also choosing that hotel.

Reddy Lee: No major quarrel recently.

Vios: I never say "invites, photos, venues" is important im just saying what we have done.
"we don't have much time" if my parents were to ask when giving out invites? What am i going to say? Oh my gf say she still need time to consider? How would my parent feel?

 

[thommy]

yes, my wedding was held there.

honestly, I think u need to sit down and thrash things out with her. More to it than meets the eye.

 

[simpleman]

My gut feel, not to scare you is - it is more than just pre-wedding jitters.

In any case, you will need to confront the issue but you may not like the outcome. Just be prepared for it.

Just painting the worst case scenario

 

[hen12y]

Thomas: yup, will do. already msg her to see when she have the mood to have a heart to heart talk.

sm: Have already prepared myself for the worst scenario. Just wanna see if i can get any advice here. Cause i really dunno what to do now.

 

[shirleypoise]

Wah lau, Powder, you say until we girls r like some weird creatures... But hor, a lot of wat you've written is quite true leh... hahahah...

Girls will usually start off on the soft tone; inferring that the problem is something less serious... cuz we are somewhat "trained" to comfort first before attempting to consider the problem. Most prob cuz we are normally the ones who tend to think too much. (of course there are exceptions...)


5piderman,

Hmm... I've never experienced wedding jitters... don’t think that she will get that if you are who she wants.

Could you take it if she were to tell you straight in your face that she doesn’t want to marry you anymore???

Do you seriously think that she would reveal to you if she has started to re-contact her ex or if she has met a new guy at this current stage???

Get real lah... she is in a state of confusion, she doesn't know if you are the guy that she wants for a husband and at the same time she doesn't want to lose you...

And I'll be frank, that this would mostly happen if she has someone else in her life... but since she has told you that “not all cancellation of marriage is due to 3rd party†then perhaps she’s just telling you that she’s not ready to marry you…

Expectations change with age... so would requirements. This is good cuz we should always be improving ourselves. Problem is, we usually would not share all these expectations and requirements with our bf/gf cuz we might not even know it ourselves.

Instead of waiting for her to confirm if she wants to carry on with the marriage, why don’t you call it off since it’s obvious that she’s not ready? Perhaps that would help her make the decision.

 

[shirleypoise]

"she's either going thru self-awareness or guilt now. else she would not avoid u."

Powder, totally agree with you on this.

 

[powder]

well breakingfree,

there's urgency here so i cut to the chase, and that requires me to make a call. in order to make a call, i will dispute the other assessments which i find is a waste of time and just keeps u wondering n waiting. that's my call. Action is needed, not just thinking thinking thinking...

whether my call is right... whether it is a 3rd party or whatever... there's one thing 5piderman needs to do... and that is to assess if he Wants to go ahead now. the decision doesnt just lie on her, waiting for her, oh it's just the jitters etc etc...

it's his decision to make now Too.

 

[matka]

All the best Spiderman.

No matter the outcome, I hope that you move forward, positively.

 

[lovingyou]

TS: never talk as much as before = there is a decrease of communication and dun u find it slightly strange?

I think you can't be forever waiting for her to have the mood before u guys talk about this.... There is no good / in the right mood for discussion on such issues... both of you jus have to do it, to decide on it...